April 17, 2013
THE MUFFINGTON POST top news and opinion: occassionally facts
Indira said What?!?!
University President Says Scandalous Things.. Provost Weighs In, Lost 10 Pounds, Looking Great..
BLOG: Why “Butts” Shouldn’t Appear In Print The Muffington Post Canada | By Bobby Dicks
PSYDUCK: ‘My Addiction To Painkillers’
Sources confirmed Tuesday that President Indira Schmamerasandwich did, indeed, say “what?”
The Muffington Post apologises for writing a sensationalist headline perfectly crafted to entice you into the article to find out the mundane answer to a provocative-sounding question rather than put what Indira said, more helpfully, right in the headline so you know what you’re getting. No, we wanted to tease you in here. We cast that line, you took the bait, we reeled you in and revealed that bait to be a dry plastic lure rather than a juicy, succulent moist worm, and here the two of us are. Cuddling. To get back to the point, more specifically, Indira’s words were “say what?” in response to Deputy Sheriff Tommy Lickauschwitz’s new mandate letters — the ones that mandate man dates. Lickauschwitz’s idea is that the universities should be making their money back by putting their hot pieces of man ass up for charity auction. “Yeah, I mean look at a guy like Karl Allmine. He’s off gallivanting the globe right now, but with lips like those, he could easily rake in a couple thou’ per date. Then you got your Fergalicous-Bell. I’d pay like, 10 for him for sure.” To which Indira uttered those now-famous words: “say what?” High atop her office in the skies, Indira immediately followed up with harsh criticism.
Indie Board Game Sweeps the Nation
“Well, I don’t see why I wouldn’t be asked to participate in this program.” she said. “Perhaps had he consulted with me he would have found me more than open to the idea.” “I like to go on dates too, I like to be held once in a while,” she said, eyes wide as a puppy’s. Opposition group GOATSE has also chimed in, calling the mandated man dates idea privileged oppressive transmisogynist misandrist heteronormative stop-gap band-aid measures which won’t help them achieve their communist paradise where education is free and privileges are checked. “Education is a right,” GOATSE said, “And we won’t simply get down on our knees, thrust our asses to the air and get fucked any longer. We will spread our ideals wide, no matter the pain it causes.” Nobody pays attention to them though, so back to the people who matter. Indira said that with her salary, she could afford to buy a man date at a charity auction every other day if she so chose, but wanted the opportunity to put herself up there as well. But Lickauschwitz refused to budge on the issue, despite claiming his mandate man date letters were in draft form only and open to feedback. “Look, nobody wants to spend time with Indira,” he said. “I, personally, would rather put a kitten in a blender, pour in some cornflakes, piss on them, turn the whole concoction into a smoothie, serve it to elementary school students and call it a healthy breakfast.” Premier of Dumberta Phalluson Smegford was reported as wondering aloud, “Jesus’s tits, when is someone going to rein that gentleman in? Why the fuck did I ever make him next in line for throne of Alberta?” “Oh,” she continued not three seconds later, “I suppose that’s probably my job. I’ll get right to it after I’m done sucking the blood from all these babies that will never go to college now. Their young blood sustains me.”
blog wild Why “Hen-Tighe” Is Sweeping
the Nation
Maniacal laughter was reported to accompany this bout of involuntary telepathy. It turns out that Indira was still pretty hurt about not being offered up for a charity date. “I don’t get it,” she said, trying to fight back tears. “I’m smart, funny, rich, a snappy dresser, rich and I’m a great listener. Why won’t anybody take me out on a date?” she cried. In a rare show of emotion, Lickauschwitz finally offered to pony up the dough and take Indira out. “Hopefully that’ll shut her up,” he said, rolling his eyes. Although this historic meeting has yet to take place, sources close to The Muffington Post say that the two plan to meet at one of the hundreds of coffee shops littering 109th street and see how things go from there. “If all goes well, we may be eating some pissed-soaked cornflakes and watching the sunrise together,” Lickauschwitz said with hopeful, boyish charm. Guest 113 Fans 4 minutes ago
Wait, how the hell am I able to comment on a printed newspaper? And how do you know it was 4 minutes ago? That timer ain’t gonna change! Reply
WhatTheKell 0 Fans some time later
Check your timestamp privilege, brah. Reply
Mechanical Broom Sweeps Nation
2 ~ Tiger feasts and other treats
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The Muffington Post is a work of “fiction.” The rest of this should say that this is actually a wonderful jape perpetrated by those plucky scamps over at The Gateway. We should probably have other disclaimer stuff here, but I don’t know what it is. Whatever you do, do not forget to replace this placeholder text, otherwise we look like right cunts.
MUFFPOST POLITICS
“No more fun” Students enraged as university bans all fun to save money
The Muffington Post Canada | By Creeping Farts In financial pandemonium, the University of Alberta announced its intention to cut the entire university experience to cope with budget cuts Beginning in fall of 2013, students will no longer be able to have any sort of extracurricular activities available at their disposal, which will save the university hundreds of thousands of dollars. This includes getting rid of all student groups on campus in order to rent out their office spaces in the SUB basement to generate funds. “Ideally, these spaces will be rented out by some big names that will attract students and investors to the U of A as well as bring in some additional income,” said Vice-President (Property and Finance) Dawg Hickey. “We’ve sent a few telegrams out to businesses such as the Tickle Trunk to see whether they would be interested in setting up their establishments in former office spaces. It’s expected to be an even bigger draw than student groups.” Starting in September, students will simply be expected to attend classes and focus solely on their studies. When asked how students will be able to enjoy their time at the university and make time for fun, Hickey responded by saying, “Ain’t nobody got time for that.” Instead, the university will be forcing the Faculty of Arts staff to brainstorm ideas for fun and paint them on the side of the Tory Building, as printing out pamphlets would be too expensive. The Muffington Post was able to get an exclusive preview of this list, which includes suggestions such as puddle-jumping, re-typing notes and playing rock-paper-scissors. “Students are coming here to be the next big leaders of our generation, not to waste their time enjoying other things. School is all the fun they could ever possibly need!” exclaimed President Indie Samarachabrah. All alcohol will also be banned on campus to deter students from turning to the bottle with this elimination of the university experience, and RATT and Dewey’s will be shut down. “Every night I prayed for the day to come where booze would be wiped off the face of this campus. This is the best day of my life,” said University of Alberta Protective Services (UAPS) Director Billy Noway. “Do you know how much of my job consists of dealing with students who are drunk off their asses throwing things out of their windows and making a mess of this institution? DO YOU?” he added. “Salvation is upon us.” Students, however, are not so enthused about the changes, and are already organizing a protest to the legislature to demand action this Friday at 12 p.m. It’ll probably fizzle out and just be, like, five guys though, because everyone just has, like, so much other stuff going on right now.
Bloody Monday: Tiger Terrorizes Students, Eats Pet Dogs During Exotic Pet Therapy The Muffington Post Canada | By Blandrea Gross “Everything has gone terribly, terribly wrong.” Dean of Students Frank Robinson made the understatement of the year Monday morning when students arrived on campus to a messy surprise. The university’s Exotic Pet Therapy program, designed to stimulate students who were over-relaxed after normal pet therapy, took a dark turn Friday. The presence of a ferocious Bengal tiger, a grizzly bear and one of China’s famous giant pandas initially thrilled the campus community — until one of the animal caretakers forgot to lock the tiger cage. After savaging the other cages in an attempt to eat the two bears, and thus breaking the animals free, the tiger rampaged through campus for two days, with nobody to stop it until Monday, when administration returned to the scene of horror. It was the weekend. In the meantime, the bears went on a rampage of their own. Robinson said he arrived on campus Monday and parked his car near a dumpster, only to have a garbage-stuffed grizzly chase him away. “I barely escaped with my life,” he said. The Bengal tiger and giant panda have vanished, causing mass panic in surrounding communities, but not before eating most of the normal pet therapy dogs. In an interview, the university’s president, Indie Samarachabrah, mourned the loss. “Between the tiger and the panda, the university spent way more money than it should have — all for the sake of students,” she said. “We should have just used that money to keep the U of A afloat.”
What do you mean slideshows don’t work in print?!? Fuck this company!
the muffington post
MUFFPOST POLITICS
General Kony
Bleeding heart, I seriously love children.
I’m Sorry For Everything I’ve done, and have Sworn Off Child Soldiers for realsies I’m sending the children home. Just ahead of the one-year anniversary of “Cover the Night,” the feel-good activist movement finally made its way to me — and boy, do I feel like an asshole. Real talk: I had no idea things were this bad. I’ve spent the last two decades orchestrating a guerilla war from a command centre deep in the jungles of Uganda. Shit, I don’t do the recruiting and the training; I pay other people to do that. What I’ve been doing is pointing to places on maps, shuffling little figurines of soldiers from one place to another and telling my generals to get the job done. The problem is, they didn’t tell me how they did it. Now that I finally realized that those dickasses have been recruiting children in my name, well, I know why this war’s lasted so long. Kids suck at war. They don’t make kid-size automatic rifles, so those poor little suckers have barely been able to hold the damn things, let alone aim them and pull the triggers. They just get absolutely mowed down by the enemy every time. Rat-at-at-at-at-at-at and just like that, 50 dead kids. It’s enough to make me sick. Eventually though, I figured out what happened. My grandmother got me a laptop for my birthday last year and I started to check out this surfernet thing everyone had been talking about. I found Wikipedia, and it was probably after 12 straight hours of opening up article after article that I finally found the Kony 2012 page. I mean, I’d seen a few Kony 2012 signs, but my generals told me it was an ice cream promotion, with the “c” changed to a “k” because it’s more fun that way. My face turned 50 shades of red. And that’s why I’m immediately sending all the kids back to their homes. True, some of their homes were probably destroyed by them in my name, but that’s where my new charity comes in — and I want to thank The Muffington Post for the chance to talk about it today. It’s called Kony Kares for Kids, or, the KKK (the “k” in “kares” is for fun!). And what we’re looking to do is really special. I have my autobiography coming out in May, and I’m going to accompany it with a speaking tour. For every dollar of profit I make, I’m donating 10 cents to my charity. And we’re going to use that money to help rebuild these kids’ lives. That’s right. A whole 10 per cent of my money will go directly to paying people to find volunteers to rebuild homes and lives. We’ll have expert teams of volunteers donating their own time and money to fly out to Africa and start building up homes. I figure if we fit six kids to a dwelling, we’ll be done by this time 2015. Then there’s the medical aspect. A lot of these kids are suffering diseases. Many have infected wounds from taking bullets in my name. I will pay my people to find medical volunteers, perhaps medical students looking for some real world experience, to suck out the infections and kill those diseases. Some kids were amputated, got sent back into the fray, then got wounded and amputated a second time. Well, I will get the very best prosthetic limbs volunteer time can scrape up from the jungle floor and crudely fashion into vaguely cylindrical shapes, and then affix them to the stumps with adhesive harvested from the friendly sac spider. The kids have been robbed of education too, and that’s why we’re going to be building schools and putting together a fast-track program suited to these kids’ areas of expertise to get them ready for the workforce at an accelerated rate. With a little theory to back up their practical experience, these kids will be unstoppable if they want to sign up to the army in a couple more years. Finally, the post-traumatic stress disorder many likely face. I will offer to personally meet with each child soldier and talk through their experiences. I am confident that all the damage done to these poor kids will just float away after some good facetime alone in a room with me. If there’s one thing Kony knows, it’s how to talk to kids. You can preorder my book at http://konykaresforkids.me now, and you can book a speaking engagement for your institution at the same place. Remember, every dollar you give will, in a small way, help the kids whose lives I destroyed. LOLzzzz 512 Fans 5 minutes ago
nice story, u wer cooler when u were maiming ppl Reply
This makes me sick to my stomach. 193 Fans 5 minutes from now
This doesn’t make up for all the shitty things you’ve done, you absolute douche. Go die in a fire. You have sinned against humanity and no amount of apologizing will make it better, you should be made to suffer like the children suffered. You’re worse than Hitler. You made a child Holocaust. Jesus loves the children and you are the anti christ. Reply
Best thing ever 29 Fans 5 minutes in heaven
BOOM roasted Reply
April 17, 2013 ~ 3
4 ~ At least he didn’t bring back Pope on a Rope
the muffington post
Vatican? more like Vatican’t
The Muffington Post Canada | By Goertz Goertz Goertz
Not even a month into his papacy, Pope Francis I has made his mark on the centuries-old institution. First was the choice of the name Francis, after the fictional eldest brother from FOX’s hit television sitcom Malcolm of the Middle, played by scientologist Christopher Masterson. Second, Francis’s inaugural mass was held at a Wendy’s, a historic first for the church, which usually avoids anything related to women. But his most shocking action as Pope came earlier this week when he announced the liquidation of the Vatican. This does not mean he will melt it all into liquid. It’s more like Liquidation World, where great deals await you on items that didn’t sell real well. I think you get the idea. Basically, he’s selling all their stuff and giving the money to the poor. In an exclusive interview with Ryan Seacrest yesterday, Pope Francis explained himself. Imagine his parts in a Spanish accent. Ryan Seacrest: What exactly does this mean for the Vatican? Pope Francis I: It means we’re getting rid of everything. It’s honestly embarrassing how long it’s taken us to realize how unfair the situation is. Between tithes, donations from rich Catholics like Dan Akroyd and tickets to the Vatican’s museum and theme park, we rake in about $15 billion a year. Seacrest: Holy shit. Francis: I’ll allow it. Seacrest: So what happens now? Francis: We sell it all. I don’t need to be transported in bullet-proof gold! I don’t need Prada shoes dyed from the blood of fetal lambs! I don’t need to bathe in dove milk! Selling DaVinci’s Last Supper alone could provide food, shelter and clothing for a ton of people! Seacrest: Like how many people? Francis: Does it matter? We’ve amassed an incredible amount of wealth over the centuries, and I think it’s wrong. Jesus would have flown into a rage at the sight of such dramatic disparity. When I first became a priest, I took a vow of poverty. That means squat when my house is a friggin’ country. Seacrest: What do you say to those who oppose your decision to sell everything off? Francis: Well, you can’t please everybody. I think it’s like people who oppose gay marriage. You kind of just have to wait for them to die out. Seacrest: Wait, don’t you oppose gay marriage? Francis: Okay, bad example. But seriously, when someone’s reason for opposing something is inherently tied to their own narrow, biased experience, their credibility is questionable at best. Then Seacrest changed the subject from gay rights and made Malcolm at the Middle references instead. They discussed the merits of the show and laughed fondly at the jokes they could remember. Seriously, why hasn’t Christopher Masterson gotten more acting jobs?
Kim Jong Un
Lovable and Benevolent Supreme Dictator, the beautiful and not at all oppressive country of North Korea
Why won’t anyone be my friend? I’m so lonely
Hey world. Why are you being so mean? Daddy said you’d be like this, and you’re only proving him right. I’ve been Supreme Leader for more than a year now and I haven’t gotten any presents or anything. You guys are seriously a bunch of assholes. When Obama got elected, he got a Peace Prize! I get squat. Why is that? I’m not asking for much. I mean, a cake and a party will do. That shouldn’t be too hard to pull off. “Happy Dictatorship, Glorious Leader” could be written on it all pretty in frosting. And you could have put candles on it and I could have made a wish and blown them out. But no, nothing. I’m not going to lie, I’m kind of in tears over here in North Korea. My father dies, and then... and then... the rest of the world just ignores me. Look, I’m really sorry I’m a bit on the chubby side while half my country starves, but I’m trying to diet, okay? I only eat one bag of dirty American chips per day now, and I’ve cut my fries intake by, like, 75 per cent. And I also started lifting. It won’t be long before the firmness of my muscles mirrors the firmness of security at my prison camps (best inheritance ever). All I want is what’s best for my people, and what’s best for me is best for them — and that’s some real recognition and appreciation for me, lil’ Kim. The citizens of North Korea hold parties in my honour pretty much every day. Is it so much to ask that everyone else held even one after I took control? It’s just... it’s just not fair. What does it take to get some attention from you? I feel like I’ve tried everything at this point. We could throw another big party and parade with our pretty weapons, but you didn’t seem to care last time, and whenever we blow up our fancy bombs you give us the silent treatment. I even promised to blow you all up and you just kept on going like nothing ever happened. If you don’t start paying attention to me I’m going to scream. You know that I can control the weather, right? That’s right, I can control the weather — father told me so. So pay attention to me! I can make another Hurricane Sandy. I can make two! If you don’t come to my next birthday I will drown you in so much water you’ll be jealous of the Marianas Trench and shock you with so much lightning you’ll be glowing. I will unleash a hailstorm with balls the size of tires! How do you like me now, world? Maybe you should have given me my god damn party! You’ll rue the day you dared not show me the respect I deserve! North Korea is best and only Korea! But in the meantime, things are kinda lonely here. Feel free to drop by and come play with me! Please? Hey I’m a Secret Agent 1,930 Fans 4 years ago
North Korea is the nation-state equivalent of a short bus. Reply
the muffington post
The Muff: now touchable ~ 5
the muff takes the dive!
The Woman Behind The Scenes Drops The Goods On The Muff’s Latest Success The Muffington Post Canada | By Areola Muffington The future is print. Friends, I am proud to present to you today the first print edition of The Muffington Post. Our online news and blogs have challenged and informed you for eight long years, and now we’re finally ready to make the transition to dead trees. They told me it couldn’t be done. “Areola,” they said, “can’t you just be happy knowing you’ve somehow managed to run a successful online news organization?” Well, when I ran for Governor of California that one time, they told me that couldn’t be done either. It wasn’t done, but the point is you can’t stop The Muff from taking a dive. And here we are. Pick up this newspaper. Read an article. When you’re done, click the link to go to the next one. It’s easy. Let’s try it now. Just put your thumb right here, press down a little and pinch the paper on the other side with your index finger.. and then turn the page. Just like online, right? This newspaper also has tabbed browsing for your convenience. To activate the feature, simply disassemble the pages, lay them flat on a table, and select the one you want to read. When you’re done, you can easily put the page back down on the table and choose a new article. We’ve got bookmarking covered as well. Read an article that you really liked and might want to reread someday? Carefully remove the article from the newspaper (you may need a pair of scissors, so make sure there’s an adult present to help), take a pin and stick it to a wall. Now you know where to go should you ever need to access the article in the future. Maybe you read an article that made you really mad and you want to leave a stupidly dumb, ill-informed, offensive and ignorant comment about how the writer is dumb and so much for “objective journalism” while you sit there doing absolutely nothing but allowing your unexamined prejudice and ideology cloud your expert judgement of journalists’ work. No problem. Scroll to the bottom by delicately grabbing the paper on both sides and then lifting while keeping your eyes steady. Now, see the comment button? No? Well, nevermind — pinch the button just like how we practiced with the link earlier anyway, only this time have your thumb and index finger grasping the entire newspaper. Next, bend the arm holding the paper down so that it is at a right angle to your body. Close the paper and roll it up extremely tight. Orient the rolled newspaper vertically, take hold of it like how you jerk off, open your mouth wide and then firmly bend your arm back into an upright position so that the newspaper thrusts to the far reaches of your throat. Leave it there until you pass out. Don’t worry about the choking sensations. It’s the only way to cure you.
6 ~ April 17, 2013
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the muffington post
MUFFPOST Science
Space Rocks!!!
Flying rocks in our atmosphere are heading towards our earth.. Crack NY police officer to save the day? The Muffington Post Canada | By Another Gruber HALIFAX - Scientists predict that within the next 100 years, there is a 30 per cent chance that the earth will be struck by an asteroid like in the hit 1998 action-drama Armageddon. Thanks to NASA’s NEOCam, which uses long-range infrared sensors to track the movement of asteroids and comets (which are apparently different things), mere earthlings can now predict which asteroids will hit the earth months before they do. When asked how they’d react if an on-coming asteroid presented real danger to life on earth, NASA celebrity spokesperson and famous astronaut John McLane said, “I don’t know, I’m a fucking actor. Maybe they’d blow it up! Yippee ki yay, motherfucker.” And he should know. In Armageddon, when Ben Affleck was chosen to stay behind and blow up the asteroid, Die Hard did it instead because his daughter Liv Tyler was in love with Ben Affleck and I think she was maybe even pregnant. He was all like, “take good care of her” or something and Ben Affleck was all torn up but it was too late because the doors were already closed. Though their popularity peaked in the late ‘90s, asteroids first made their mark in the late Cretaceous period, when a really big one hit the gulf of Mexico and wiped out 75 per cent of all animal species on earth, including most of the dinosaurs. The dinosaurs would go on a 66 million-year hiatus, before being reanimated for a short-lived 90s theme park and re-reanimated for the hit children’s film We’re Back! A Dinosaur’s Story! Though initially seen as a tragic event, the ancient mass-extinction marked the end of the dinosaurs’ domination of the earth and the beginning of the reign of mammals. We interviewed a handful of mammals about this event but most of them refused to comment in English. The only ones who did speak English was NASA celebrity spokesperson Die Hard, whose answer was mostly swear words, and a nerd. And when we asked the nerd about the probability of an asteroid posing a serious threat to life on earth within the next 100 years, he was like, “Sorry, what’s your question?”
Debate Rages On as Pot Holes Destroy Our Fair City The Muffington Post Canada | By Richael Moss HALIFAX - Canadians across the country have been subject to a new and never-beforeseen phenomenon this spring. Dubbed “pot” holes by some for their uncanny resemblance to kitchen cooking pots and the current vernacular for marijuana, these strange phenomena have caused countless headaches for motor vehicle drivers and small dogs alike. Theories behind these holes were discussed at the recent 69th Annual Symposium on Strange Earth Effects. Dr. Simon Tist, a geology professor at the University of Toronto and expert on unexplained phenomena, was the keynote speaker at the symposium. “What we’re seeing here is the rapid acceleration of a completely normal geological process known as Global Swisscheeseification,” said Tist. “The hard outer shell of the earth is prone to falling into the soft inner core, creating holes that look a lot like Swiss cheese.” According to Dr. Tist, human activity such as mining and digging foundations has accelerated this normal process, resulting in the more frequent occurrences of smaller holes. The disproportionate frequency of occurrence of these holes in pavement, though, has led to opposing theories by other researchers. “The fact that these holes almost exclusively appear in pavement shows that the Global Swisscheeseification theory offers an incomplete explanation,” said Cambridge Professor Reese Archer. “Our research suggests that these are the result of creatures that enjoy eating pavement.” Dubbed the “Sarlacc Theory” by detractors, Dr. Archer’s theory suggests that small worm-like creatures eat their way through pavement for nourishment, resulting in the annoying holes. “These creatures can apparently grow to be several feet in diameter, though they are exceptionally shy and have rarely been seen.” Dr. Archer’s research also suggests that the creatures hibernate during the winter, explaining the high frequency of hole formation during the spring. This highly controversial theory is rejected outright by Dr. Tist who banned Dr. Archer from the recent Symposium. “The problem with some researchers is that they forget that correlation doesn’t imply causation,” he said, elaborating, “simply because most holes appear in areas that happen to be covered in pavement doesn’t mean that the pavement plays any role in the formation of these holes. More than two-thirds of the earth is covered in water, and we fully expect to observe many more of these holes in the Pacific as research progresses.” Regardless of the theoretical cause of the “pot” holes, the Government of Canada has advised motorists to use vehicles with more than four wheels such as snowmobiles and tanks in order to avoid vehicle damage, at least until the holes can be filled in.
Big Bang Theory a Hoax!?
The Muffington Post Canada | By Sum Hak NASA - Scientists have recently begun to speculate whether the Big Bang Theory truly ever existed?
Researchers within super cool space company NASA are now suspicious that the entire theory was only put forward in the first place under the notion that it would be a good name for a comedy that used situational humour sometime in the faraway future. Original researchers who claimed the big bang theory may have been paid off by CBS personnel from the very beginning. No real evidence has been found to corroborate this theory yet, but one of the doubtful researchers explained their theory. “We believe that researchers made up this fiction about the universe being a hot dense state before wait, expansion started 14 billion years ago,” researcher Shelley Coops said. “The rest may all be fiction. Maybe the Earth was always cool, and the autotrophs always drooled. Research shows neanderthals never even needed tools while walls and pyramids appeared magically rather than through human invention. Math, science, history and all of mankind’s unraveled mysteries never actually started with a big bang. That would just be silly.”
April 17, 2013 ~ 7
the muffington post
8 ~ April 17, 2013
MUFFPOST Good News/Bad News
(What happens when unbelievably GOod things go bad)
What’s falling from sky? Slideshow of dogs falling from the sky onto an unsuspecting population
Puppies rain down from the heavens.. Innocent citizens argue whether it’s God or aliens making a statement.. also Every Word Is Captalized Puppyhate66 13 Fans 4 minutes ago
Why does anyone like puppies? They’re just small dogs, what’s the big deal? Reply
The Muffington Post Canada | By Robert S. Dickinson EDMONTON - In a strange occurrence on Monday morning, residents of the Edmonton area noticed a strange meteorological occurrence where pug puppies rained down from the sky from massively ominous yet pure, fluffy white clouds. While this was fantastic news to those who witnessed the puppies’ slow descent from heaven, many were disappointed upon their landing. When the puppies hit the ground, the crowds who gathered to witness this beautiful supposed gift from God soon grew apathetic and jaded when they noticed that the puppies had grown into full-sized adult dogs when they landed. “When I first heard about the hailstorm of dogs coming, I thought we were promised puppies. Instead all we got were full sized dogs. This is bullshit,” one disgruntled man on the street said. The man requested anonymity due to his desire to not be connected in any way to what he called a “disaster.”
The Muffington Post’s esteemed science correspondents speculated that the pugs’ fall from the sky accelerated their aging through the process of magic, turning them into disappointing, less active and more boring older dogs once they hit the ground. Those same correspondents are currently trying to find an answer as to how so many dogs got in the sky in the first place, but their current hypothesis is that this was also because of magic. Many of the people who travelled to where the pugs were landing to see the puppies explained their disappointment over what they had actually found. While puppies are carefree and stress relieving, the older dogs were disappointingly immobile and a tragic reminder of our own mortality. “Honestly, who really wants to spend any time with old dogs? I only ever enjoy being around old dogs when I’ve known them for long enough that I can remember when they were puppies,” another innocent bystander explained. “I have no good times to think about when I look at these regular-sized dogs — just mild annoyance at how slowly they move around. Who needs that?” Police officers appeared quickly to take the pugs away to a nice farm upstate where they assured bystanders that the dogs would be able to run around freely and that they’d be in a happier place.
Puppylove69 193 Fans 4 minutes ago
This story is fucking FALSE. I know I saw kittens fall from the sky, not puppies. Reply
Muffdiver4Lyfe 193 Fans 7 minutes ago
This is the greatest disappointment I’ve ever seen. Who wants to pet old dogs? Reply
I<3Muffz 193 Fans 8 minutes ago
The response to these dogs was disgusting. Old dogs need love too!! Reply
All War Ends!!! But does peace on Earth bring peace for Earth? The Muffington Post Canada | By Tim LaRoche
ANYWHERE YOU WANT - In a revelatory announcement on Monday afternoon, American President Barack Obama and North Korean Evil Emperor Kim Jong Un shook hands, making peace between their new nations. After a week of similar moves being made by the president with America’s other enemy countries, all wars and the potential for wars have come to an end. But while the upper class and elites celebrate this move away from warfare, the everyman working in North America’s most vital industries, producing weapons and equipment for the army, are suffering — unbeknownst to America’s wealthier sectors.
Man steps in grass for first time but never steps out The Muffington Post Canada | By Donald Ripchen SOMEWHERE, USA - The grass got a little greener for Tim LaRoche last Thursday when the 45-year-old man stepped on grass for the first time in his sad, pathetic life. It may seem shocking that a grown man could go his whole life without touching grass, but according to LaRoche, it can happen.
“People just don’t understand what we go through in this industry,” one weapons manufacturer said. “We work to the bone to produce arms for wars that people apparently don’t even want to have anymore.”
“I had really overprotective parents when I was younger,” LaRoche explained. “I was never allowed to go outside and play with other kids. I had to sit inside all day and attend to my studies and take care of Mother. Mother was always in a sour mood due to her illness; sometime she would hit me when I wouldn’t stop crying. Other times she made me wear a dress and would call me Anastasia.
As tension heated up between North Korea and the rest of the world, it looked like the two sides could soon come to war, leaving this arms industry worker excited for his future.
“Why Mother? Why did you do this to me?” LaRoche said oddly impersonating his Mother’s voice.
“We were expecting a huge spike in business. I was telling my kids about all the things I’d be able to buy them, and now what am I supposed to tell them? What do I say to my children when I can’t put food on their table?” the arms industry worker said.
Other than that random display of emotional disturbance, LaRoche seemed quite happy to be stepping on grass. Just like a baby learning to take its first steps, Laroche was excited and a little nervous to be experiencing this natural phenomenon for the first time.
“This peace is going to affect us financially and the spirit of our workers, their families and our communities as a whole are going to suffer when less and less money is put into weapons making and dealing. Our nation is so intertwined with guns, it’s going to hurt America to lose that connection.”
“My first time was a little nerve racking. When I get nervous, I start to cry and sometimes I wet my pants. Mother would always beat me whenever I wet myself. She called me nasty names and threatened to sell me to the orphanage. When I was especially bad she would lock me in the cellar overnight. It was truly frightening. There were rats and cobwebs everywhere. When company would come over Mother would force me to stay in the cellar until everyone left. She was quite ashamed of me,” LaRoche said while sobbing.
As Obama looked down from his now peaceful ivory tower in Washington on a nation gone unemployed due to his new warless mandate, congressmen have begun to rally against what they see as a foolish move for America’s future. “We need more wars for morale. If we can’t prove we’re the greatest country in the world by kicking some tiny nation’s ass every so often, then what’s the point of being on top?” one congressman said. “I mean shit, we might as well just be Canada at that point.” This is truly a scary future for the world going forward: a future where the peacemaking ideals present in elite nations such as Canada overtake the everyman, blood thirst that Americans know and love and that has made the world the beautiful place it became, through wars. “This is just typical in Obama’s America,” the arms manufacturer said. “The everyday working man gets the shaft every single time.”
Luckily for our readers, Muffington Post reporters were there when LaRoche took his first steps on green grass. It was truly a sight to behold. “It feels wonderful!” LaRoche exclaimed. “ I can’t believe I went my whole life without experiencing this — no Mother! I’m allowed to be out here. You’re dead now, I don’t have to listen to you anymore. These people are my friends, Mother. No Mother, I won’t put on the dress. It’s too big for me now. Stop yelling at me, Mother!” Unfortunately, LaRoche had a very violent allergic reaction to the grass and suffered debilitating hives. “Oh god, why did I do this? Mother was right. I should have never gone outside. I will never doubt you again, Mother.”
the muffington post
April 17, 2013 ~ 9
MUFFPOST sports
WNBA Players can’t jump!?!?
Women’s basketball players demand respect.. Politicians could force more fans to watch games.. Women’s basketball league apparently a real thing.
The Muffington Post Canada | By Robert S. Dickinson LOS ANGELES - Last Monday, excitement ran high at the 2013 WNBA Draft with the momentous ushering in of a new guard in America’s other high profile professional basketball league. The Phoenix Mercury, Chicago Sky and Tulsa Shock bolstered their rosters with Brittney Griner, Elena Delle Donne and Skylar Diggins — all players expected to drastically change the face and profile of the WNBA. But there was another, far more pressing issue in sports fans just couldn’t ignore. Despite the news from the NBA, everyone was just too distraught to give it the attention it deserved — after all, who has time for women’s basketball when Kobe Bryant’s has a torn Achilles tendon? “I haven’t slept in a week. I just can’t waste a single moment when I could be praying for Kobe,” said a fan, who spoke out on the condition of anonymity. “It’s just too much,” he continued, bursting into tears. “How can basketball possibly exist without him?” When asked about whether without Kobe Bryant to watch in the NBA, he might start viewing WNBA games, this reporter got a confused response. “Women’s basketball? That’s a thing? Since when?” the fan asked, surprised.
Muffington Post Commentary: Politicians should step in on hot WNBA debate Don Baymore
Local Loudmouth, Butts International
LOS ANGELES- Unfortunately, the overwhelming sexist and misogynistic views and mentalities of the average North American sports fan will mean that WNBA players will probably never receive the same attention of even any NBA benchwarmer. The fact that the WNBA failed to captivate and capitalize on the NBA lockout and shortened-season of 2011-12 with increased attendance numbers speaks to the sexism present in American sports culture.
“I just don’t give a single fuck about women’s sports. Basketball? Golf? Lesbian bear wrestling? Nope,” said pretty much every sports fan ever. “Actually on second thought, I don’t even give half a fuck and probably never will. In order to fully combat the double standards and second-tier status that the WNBA currently enjoys in North America sport, legislators across the lower 48 must, at this critical time in the WNBA’s history, begin to enact and implement legislation to ensure that the other basketball league maximizes on the potential of its new and exciting stars. Firstly, politicians, especially progressive and Democratic ones, must explore the possibility of implementing television blackouts and empty arena policies for cities with both NBA and WNBA franchises, like Washington, DC, that fail to attract sellout crowds for their WNBA teams. Better yet, barricade the doors to NBA teams stadiums so fans have nowhere else to go besides a WNBA team’s home stadium. Secondly, constant re-runs of the WNBA ruckus known as the “Malice in the Palace II” must be distributed to, and shown by, Sportscentre, Rogers Sportsnet, and any other media sporting outlets, both in Canada and in the US, day after day after day, just to prove to the sexists out there that it’s not just male athletes that can lose their cool and that even woman have the ability to duke it out and give just as good as they get. And it’ll also serve as a good reminder that the WNBA exists in the first place. Surveys have shown that people simply seem to forget sometimes. The matter remains that if the WNBA is to become the fifth, and eventually, number one major sports league in North America, government intervention by lawmakers across the United States is paramount to ensuring that a good sporting product receives the just attention it deserves on the sporting landscape currently dominated by the NBA. And hopefully, the drafting of those players by the WNBA on Monday night will be able to transform their league and the world of North American sport in more ways than one. That when they are mentioned ten years from now, the names of Brittney, Elena, and Skylar will be said in the same breath, and garner the same reverence, as those of LeBron, Melo, and D Wade. After all, if we don’t advertise this league at all, and if no one does anything to improve its image, someday people might actually start to notice.
Viva the basketball Revolution!!!!
The Muffington Post Canada | By College Basketball Reporter #12314124
ATLANTA - A strange thing happened in the NCAA basketball national championship game last Tuesday as both Louisville and Michigan took the court wearing the same jerseys, sporting the colors of red, white and blue. But this was no loyal patriotic gesture on the parts of these college athletes. Instead, in an inspiring show of solidarity, the players started chanting, “Viva the revolution” as they threw down their coaches and athletics masters and stormed the court waving both French and American flags. “We’ve gathered here to band together in the biggest game of the year and demand we be paid for our services. Many of us may have multimillion dollar futures in the NBA ahead of us, but we can’t wait until then when we’re playing sports now,” star Michigan guard Arnie Benz said. “You could say we’re giving our own brand of March Madness to NCAA,” Benz said with a wink to reporters. The players brought a makeshift guillotine on court where they dropped a paddle from up high — borrowed from a local frat house’s hazing party — onto the necks of NCAA coaches and officials repeatedly until they answered the players’ demands. The players demanded to be paid contracts similar to NBA players, pointing out that the world has stopped paying attention to other basketball leagues during the March Madness tournament. “LeWho James? Dwayne What? The Miami Huh? I’ve never heard of any of these things, they’re meaningless compared to even our first round games like Kansas State vs. La Salle,” Benz said. When asked about the discrepancy between the flags they chose, starting Louisville forward Billy Wallace explained to reporters that the players were looking to emulate the revolutions they remembered hearing about in class. “We feel that our cause is similar to the proletariat who rose up in southern America in the early 1930s at Pearl Harbor. We are fighting a literal war against our college oppressors, just like when the Czar of America told his people to ‘just eat cake.’ It’s just like that,” Wallace explained. “Well we’re not going to eat the NCAA’s cake anymore!” On an unrelated note, many of the players were close to losing their college scholarship a week earlier. By day, most are communications students at their respective schools, and most are failing their history and politics courses. As of now the revolution has yet to spread to other schools’ teams, whose players cite the silliness of the whole matter as being a deterrant from their joining in. Muffdiver4Lyfe 193 Fans 2 minutes ago
This is ridiculous. College athletes get paid for what? Why not college doctors getting paid like real ones? Or poli sci students getting paid like real baristas? Reply
BracketBuster 1 Fan
Toronto sports fans unsure of how to cope with success The Muffington Post Canada | By Dan Grapes TORONTO - Mass fainting spells recently plagued the Greater Toronto Area as sports fans around the centre of the universe pass out, spitting and sputtering in shock from not having much of anything to complain about this year. “I just… don’t know what to do with myself,” said one long-time Toronto sports fan. “For decades, I’ve been able to complain every single season about all our teams sucking the big one, speculating who should be fired and trying to recover from the personal affront to my own pride that my favourite team’s failures are.” As the Toronto Maple Leafs and Blue Jays teams show promise of actually making the playoffs this year, fans have grown confused as to how they should cope with their favourite teams playing meaningful games for what is the first time in most of their lives. One six-year-old Leafs fan was asked to comment on the Leafs’ success, but could only weep, breaking down into tears immediately, confused at the idea that their favourite team might succeed. With the city’s hockey team in a playoff spot and the baseball team coming off an offseason that saw the team make huge gains in an effort to become playoff-worthy, the fans have taken solace in the baseball Blue Jays’ slow start. “Thank god the Jays are blowing it so early. If I didn’t have them to complain about, I’d be so lost. What is life in Toronto without daily complaining on our sports radio stations? What is life at all without a shitty Maple Leafs team missing the playoffs? Is that even life at all? Not in my world. Not in the Toronto I grew up in. Not in my home.”
3 minutes ago
This still doesn’t make up for the fact my bracket was ruined? Seriously, Georgetown lost to Florida Gulf Coast, WTF!? Reply
When asked about the city’s football and basketball franchises, the fan suddenly composed himself and his answers were swift and to the point. “Who gives a shit?”
10 ~ April 17, 2013
the muffington post
MUFFPOST Health
Hipster STD Rampage!!
Hipsters terrorize nation, corrupting children.. New STD running rampant in horny kids.. How to spot a hipster The Muffington Post Canada | By Vikram Seth HALIFAX - Health officials around the world are warning teenagers of a dangerous sexually transmitted disorder that is being passed around from men deemed to be “too cool” and is all the rage amongst the younger generation, known as ‘the hipster herpes.’ Teenagers and young adults have fallen ill to the strange symptoms of this new STD, usually after sexual intercourse with a male hipster who refused to identify himself. If you’re currently in an intimate relationship and you’re worried your partner might be a hipster, here are seven signs to help identify them. 1) You often find that when you’re on dates with your partner, you frequently visit thrift shops, vegan restaurants and obscure, rundown cafes. On the occasional instance that you attend a movie, you find yourself watching weird arthouse European films with subtitles and enough nude scenes that you suspect it’s just a pornographic film. Test whether your partner is truly hipster by taking him to a Wal-Mart or the new Transformers film. Or take your partner to a steakhouse, and you may soon find their veganism was all a façade. At this point, dump him immediately — you are surely dating a hipster. 2) When your partner does take you out to dinner, no matter how much money he may possess, you often find that they refuse to pay. Their claim is that they don’t want to buy into gender stereotypes and want to help empower you by letting you pay. This is likely all a ruse, as hipsters are typically also cheapskates. 3) Your partner will never answer text messages or phone calls in a timely manner. This isn’t just due to laziness, but rather his lack of a cell phone. Your partner will find these contraptions to be too mainstream and will instead prefer to wait to call you back using his home rotary phone. But be forewarned, if you buy your partner a new iPhone, he may hiss at and attempt to destroy any Apple product you attempt to bestow upon him as a gift. 4) Similarly to this iPhone warning, if your partner is a hipster and he comes across your iPod, he will throw it in the nearest trash can before lighting it on fire. While you reprimand him for this misdeed, he will inform you of the superiority of vinyl records to mp3s. Expect a lengthy lecture about the pros of vinyl records with their cracks and hisses are how music was meant to be listened to. 5) If your partner is a hipster, you may notice that birthdays and Valentine’s days pass without gifts. He will instead inform you such celebrations are too corporate, man. 6) If you have missed all these signs, you may engage in sexual intercourse with your partner. One final sign to watch for is when he puts on an unusual, vintage sheep intestine condoms that produces a “more intense feeling.” 7) Be warned, if you directly accuse your partner of being a hipster, he will react with violent tendencies. You may receive fair trade coffee thrown in your face, but luckily no further harm will come to you as he doesn’t lift, bro.
Dr. Ooze
Professional Doctor, No Really
1) Smoke more cigarettes to improve your health in mere seconds a day! Some people will tell you that diet and exercise are the only the ways to live longer and healthier, but those people are dead wrong. Smoking cigarettes is the only sure fire way to get healthy. You’re probably thinking, “But cigarettes are bad for you.” You couldn’t be more wrong, you fucking idiot. I should know because I’m a doctor. Cigarettes contain the healing power of nicotine and several other naturally occurring substances such as arsenic and carbon monoxide. When you light up a and inhale the smooth, filtered smoke a du Maurier ™ it releases these therapeutic chemicals into your body, making you look and feel younger. Also, each cigarette you smoke adds 10 minutes to your life. It’s also never too late to get your kids hooked on the healing power of cigarettes. Thanks to the stupid, authoritarian government, cigarettes are illegal for people under 18, but you can just buy some for them anyways. If you let your kids smoke cigarettes, they’ll be the coolest people on the elementary school playground. It’s very important for young kids to have high self-esteem.
2) When it comes to homosexuality, I know way better than the medical community
A lot of people in the liberal media will try and tell you that being gay is not a choice, but that is so not the truth. I should know because I’m a straight male doctor who’s married to a real actual woman. Nevertheless, being gay is a mental illness and I’m here to tell you how to cure it. The gay man will be attracted to a member of the same sex. They’ll also usually be pretty fruity and weird. So if any of your friends or loved ones exhibit these traits, it’s safe to say that they’re one of “the gays.” They might call you a homophobe, and they might be right, but don’t worry. Once the initial shock of having a gay relative wears off, you’re obviously going to want to try and cure them. That’s where I come in. If you want to cure the gay man, you just have to send them to my Dr. Ooze Straight Camp. It’s a rigourous four-week intensive boot camp designed get rid of the gay by the end of the day. The first week of camp is just being tied to a chair with your eyes glued open while we show straight porn and blast heavy metal music. That should be enough to make any red-blooded man straight as an arrow and as hard as a diamond. The remaining weeks of camp will be an intense physical workout session everyday. It’s nothing but sweaty, shirtless men doing push-ups, sit-ups and lifting all day long. It may sound harsh, but that’s the only way to burn the gay away. But don’t worry; it’s not all of it is hard, sweaty, glistening-in-the-hot-sun-all-day work. We also get to have a lot of fun at straight camp. We have pillow fights and sleepovers, on the last day, all the camp members perform an all-drag version of Billy Elliott.
the muffington post
MUFFPOST ARTS
NIP SLIPS GALORE
Stars Let Their Nipples And Balls Hang Loose At Willow Smith’s Birthday Bash The Muffington Post Canada | By Black Muff HALIFAX - Step over, side-boob. There’s a new trend in town. At Willow Smith’s 13th birthday party last Wednesday, there appeared to be something of a nip-slip epidemic, with some of today’s hottest stars letting their velvet peaks go on promenade. Jennifer Lawrence, who appeared to be spilling out of her dress on the set of her untitled upcoming movie, finally allowed her goods to fly free after tripping over an invisible staircase that seemed to only be visible to J-Law herself. Needless to say, there was full-on areola. The nip had, in fact, most definitely slipped. The brown full-moon eclipsed the pale pink sky of her Chanel bustier. If this party were the Hunger Games, her nipple enthusiastically volunteered as tribute. Now the questions remain: Was this an act? Is the fame already getting to the latest Oscar winner’s head? Has Tumblr .gif-ed this shit yet? J-Law wasn’t the only star to expose her nipples at the event, with Pitch Perfect and Bridesmaids star Rebel Wilson bearing all upon entering the party. In classic Rebel Wilson fashion, the star stole the scene by slipping her nip out the bottom of her Forever 21 crop top, which was screen printed with the word “BETCH” in lime green block letters. Bystanders wondered if the nip slip was on purpose or not, as she aggressively pursued Zac Efron for the entirety of the night, rubbing her chest against his back. Efron reportedly left the party in tears. “Ha ha wot guess I’m kinda kooky I dunno,” said Wilson, not even giving a fuck. It’s funny because she’s British! (Or is she Australian?! Click here to find out) Amanda Bynes showed up to the party uninvited, wearing nothing but a fleece blanket tied around her waist like a sarong. Needless to say, all eyes were on her set of eyes. The Muffington Post thinks Bynes is guilty on two big, round counts of indecent exposure. Court dismissed, bring out the dancing lobsters. When asked to comment on her behaviour, Amanda whispered, “Only God can judge me,” before draping the blanket over her head and wandering into the middle of busy traffic. Teen pop wonderboy Justin Bieber had a slip of a similar kind during the party, but there were no nipples here. While dancing with his friends, not one, but two of his testicles caught wind of the bumpin’ beats, dropping out of his gold spandex bikini bottoms. Surprisingly, he didn’t seem too fazed by the whole thing. “I thought wearing a thong speedo in public was a bit risky, but YOLO, I guess. Ha ha swaggy. Selener so jelly right now. Don’t stop beliebin,’” Bieber said, tossing sick deuces to his homies. He proceeded to dance the night away, both testicles swaying like wind chimes in the spring breeze. When asked to comment on the various boob and genital slips at her party, Smith just laughed, whipping her hair back and forth.
Some hussies a-partyin’
April 17, 2013 ~ 11
12 ~ April 17, 2013
the muffington post
the muffington post
April 17, 2013 ~ 13
Mary, Queen of Scots Justin Bieber’s Number One Fan
An open letter to Justin Bieber EDMONTON - We, the League of Extraordinary Dead European Females (LEDEF), would like to step up to Justin Bieber’s defense. As the leading organization dedicated to the preservation of the legacies of deceased influential European women, LEDEF can confirm that Anne Frank would have, in fact, been a Belieber. Many of our founding members are fans of popular music. Anne Boleyn has recently been a big fan of Coldplay’s album A Rush of Blood to the Head, Catherine the Great has always loved Wild Horses by the Rolling Stones, and Joan of Arc is head over heels for the Jonas Brothers, although she was previously a fan of Police’s Voices Inside my Head.
Naked As A Jaybird Lord Supreme of Porn
Brony Porn 4 Lyfe HALIFAX - Being a brony is more than just wearing a fedora everywhere, having a neck beard and living in your mom’s basement. Bronyism is a lifestyle, goddamn it! It’s not a choice, and it’s totally not weird for 45-year-old man to be obsessed with a TV show marketed to pre-teen girls. Fuck you, and check your privilege!
My Little Pony teaches everypony that friendship is magic. And let me tell you, friendship is magic. I wouldn’t know because I’ve never had one. But the show has opened my eyes. Making friends is hard. You have to make eye contact with someone and then start talking to them. If that person is a girl, then it’s impossible. Watching My Little Pony gives me and my brony brethren a chance to lay back and avoid the stresses of having a social life. You can even adopt a ponysona yourself and write fan fiction about your adventures in Equestria. My ponysona is Heartbeat Bubbles, and she is red and green and follows Fluttershy around and is kind to all the animals. Her cutie mark is bubbles. Every night I write a new chapter, careful to respect the canon, about Heartbeat’s challenges to make friends and fit in with the other ponies. The best part of being a brony is that there are many chances to lecture people about the subtle nuances of our culture. One of my favourite pastimes is to go to McDonalds when they offer the My Little Pony toys with happy meals and watch the reaction I get from the girl behind the till when I insist on getting a My Little Pony toy. My favourite part is when she inevitably tells me that the toys “are for little girls.” It’s my favourite part because I then get to lecture her for half an hour about how My Little Pony is for people of all ages and how she’s discriminating against me for refusing to give me a toy. It’s not easy being so blatantly discriminated against. I used to think oppression was just something women and black people talked about, but now I know how real it truly is. Even though watching My Little Pony will teach you everything you need to know about life, it also has other benefits. Did you know that there is a whole genre of porn dedicated to the show? It’s called Clop Clop and it’s amazing for when you just need something more adult from the ponies. A lot of people will tell you it’s weird for a bunch of balding, fat, middle-aged men to be jacking off to art of naked children’s cartoon characters, but they’re just jealous that they haven’t discovered the sexy secrets that lie underneath Applejack’s tail. Oh, those firm hind legs and that musky scent after she works all day on the farm... I’d buck her, if you know what I mean. Some people will tell you that Clop Clop is like bestiality. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Bestiality is gross. How could someone get off to a real life horse? That’s disgusting. Clop Clop is way different. They’re not real horses, they are fictional ponies with cute names, faces and the voices of little girls. That’s definitely not as weird as bestiality. Sigh. The only problem is that My Little Pony isn’t real and I’ll never get to have sex with Twilight Sparkle. Oh Twilight, you are the bestest pony of all, yet here in the real world I must stay, denied the chance to softly stroke your delicate mane and gently kiss your passionate velvety horselips. Alas, to deviantART I return once more...
Though speculation as to which musical groups were preferred by children famous for suffering through persecution may seem callous and self-centred, we support Justin’s approach to reaching out to a new group of potential fans. Thank you for keeping in touch with the LEDEF. Sincerely, Mary, Queen of Scots Chair, LEDEF P.S. Princess Diana simply adores the Backstreet Boys.
Local Single Mom Someone Marry Me Please
Local Single Mom Witholding Weird Old Tip Ottawa - Doctors hate me, dermatologists hate me, language professors hate me, and it’s all because of this one weird old tip. Yeah, it’s me. The single mother in your area that has this wacky little tip that makes me look 20 years younger, melted off all of the fat from my aging, child-rearing body and makes me learn things, like, really fucking fast. Like seriously, I learned eight languages in one day. Now basically every single person with a doctorate in my area hates me, and quite frankly, I’m sick of it. Do you know what it’s like to have everyone hate you? And then have people spend money on advertisements just to let the whole internet know that they hate you? And to have one of them with a woman peeling her literal face off in one of them? You know, the straight-up horrifying one with that woman wearing that medical hat? What is this shit? That’s not what I look like. Did you know that this is basically the modern-day equivalent to the Salem Witch Hunt? Did you know I’ve actually been likened to a witch in my own community? In your community? How does that make you feel? Was it necessary to mention in the advertisements that I’m a stay-at-home single mother? Yeah, it’s true, but do you know how many women have patted me on the back and told me that they “support” me? Yeah, the “I don’t need no man” attitude is cool and everything but do you ever look at yourself, realize how perfect you look, but then realize you have nobody to share it with? I’m going to just go ahead and say it: I need a man. I’m looking for some hot local singles in my area. Oh my god, I’m so lonely. Does anyone ever ask about how the single mother with the weird old tip feels? Does anyone care about how I wander around my house alone — albeit with a flat stomach and baby’s-ass-smooth face — while my children literally ignore me? My children hate me because the internet hates me. Thanks a whole frickin’ lot, internet. You’re probably reading this because you think I’m going to give you my weird old tip. Well obviously I’m not giving it out, since society’s wronged me so. But you know what? I have a weird old tip that will literally solve all of your problems. It’s called KINDNESS. Yeah, if you click on the advertisements it’s probably going to tell you to diet and exercise or something. Do you actually believe that shit though? You think I got where I am on Weight Watchers? Heck no, techno. Do you think I got perfect skin by exfoliating and moisturizing regularly? Hell no. My weird old tip is hella weird and you best believe I’m keeping it to myself. Cause it’s pretty damn weird. So yeah, everyone hates me but I have literally no stomach fat, know all of the languages in the whole world, PLUS I’m 55 years old and I look 25. So you can suck on that, assholes.
14 ~ April 17, 2013
the muffington post
Jonas Brothers And One Direction Enjoy Giant Boy Band Orgy The Muffington Post Canada | By Bryan ‘Perez’ Cromsgrant HALIFAX - “I slipped Nick Jonas’ purity ring off his finger and rammed it onto my rock hard cock before jamming it securely in his virginal asshole.” So tweeted Louis Tomlinson of One Direction on his band’s purported recent sexual encounter with the Jonas Brothers.
given the importance of this revolutionary collection of young adults who sing vapid throwaway teen-friendly ditties for the musical-industrial complex. “Niall, Liam... they were all there,” shot back Tomlinson, “I should know — I drank one heck of a cocktail that night, if you catch my innuendo.” Tomlinson has done quite the media circuit following the tweets, and each time his story becomes even more outrageous. “You know what ‘docking’ is?” Tomlinson asked bemused talk show host after talk show host. “It’s when you stick your dick inside someone else’s foreskin. I docked the shit out of Harry.” There’s no shortage of speculation online as to why Tomlinson has gone public with this, with many suggesting this is a lame cry for attention from two bands slipping in popularity. Meanwhile, seemingly desperate for any kind of attention, NKOTBSB, an unholy combination of no-longer-important boy bands New Kids on the Block and the Backstreet Boys, has claimed Tomlinson had actually been in attendance at their orgy. As of press time, Tomlinson’s Twitter account has remained silent on the matter — though he did reply to an interested Justin Bieber with the terse, “No. I don’t do beaver.” JONASBROTHERS4EVAANDEVA 1947394749 Fans
“What I’m really looking forward to is next time,” he then posted. “Next time, I want Nick to come so hard inside me the dick juice leaks out my nose.” The other members of both bands have vehemently denied attending this mega-boy-band orgy, at which Tomlinson claims he came “a jizzillion” times. Over a 15-tweet tirade, Tomlinson went into great detail as to what went down. In a San Diego hotel room, the two bands traded riffs for six straight hours, pausing only to snort “a metric fuckton” of cocaine. This six-hour fuckfest included at least five consecutive screaming eagles and one marathon bukkake session. Tomlinson claims that by the time the last of the seven ejaculators had came, the first was good to go another round. The boys made it through four rounds before Joe Jonas was finally covered head to toe. “We don’t know who Louis thinks he had sex with,” all three Jonas brothers wrote in a statement, “but it certainly wasn’t any of us. We were each on remarkably chaste dates that night in three different cities.” The other members of One Direction have each denounced Tomlinson’s claims over their own Twitter accounts. Liam Payne called his bandmate a “lying fuck,” adding that if he really wanted him to wear a strap on and double penetrate his anus, all he had to do was ask. Sources close to the band have suggested that the incident has strained tensions so bad that a break up is inevitable — which everyone agrees will effectively kill pop culture dead
8 minutes ago
WUT DA FUQ I LUV DA JO BROS SHOOOOO DAMN MUCH! 1D AIN’T GOT NUTTIN ON DEM! Reply
SUB Dance Mom 2 Fans 4 minutes ago
I just wanted to say I’m thoroughly outraged by this article. My children and I were visiting SUB for a dance competition, and they picked up a copy of this story when the name One Direction caught their eye. Thinking this would be some innocent story about an adorable boy band, I let them. But boy, was I ever wrong. This trash has scarred my children (aged three, four, five, seven and nine) forever. Do you know what they asked me last night? “Mommy, what’s an orgy?” This so-called “newspaper” is a piece of utter trash, and you should be ashamed of yourselves for publishing this sort of thing when young children are around. I can assure you that my family and I will never again return to a dance competition in SUB ever again. Reply
the muffington post
April 17, 2013 ~ 15
97... 98... 99... 100... 101 Kardashians!
The Muffington Post Canada | By Bennifer Clubberson
Quebec City - After watching Kim Kardashian gain enough baby weight to be considered a beached whale, the truth has been revealed: Kardashian is having not one, not two, but 101 babies. The news was revealed to Kardashian and boyfriend Kanye West at her latest ultrasound last week, where celebrity doctors were confounded to discover the actual number of babies in Kardashian’s uterus. No one could offer any explanations for the phenomenon except for West, who told reporters, “Imma let you finish, but my sperm are the strongest swimmers of all time.” Kardashian initially released a statement telling the public that they would continue with family tradition by naming all 101 of their offspring with names starting with K, but West shut her down, stating “Beyoncé has the best name of all time!”
Get Ready, Africa: A&Pee Debuts War Wars, The Most Best “Wars” Show Yet The Muffington Post Canada | By Cryin’ Orangegrove Saskatoon - Taking the “Wars” format to its logical and inevitable conclusion, this week A&Pee announced a new addition to its reality TV lineup: War Wars. Contestants will be challenged to whip up a TV-worthy war on a low budget. While they’re free to start their wars on any pretence they like, they are prohibited from engaging each other — the network wants to keep these characters around for at least a few seasons, of course. They will be judged not only on the raw body count, but also on value for money, overall structural devastation and resource management.
And with the news that their brood would be much larger than expected, Kardashian and West also revealed their plans to star in a new reality TV program, tentatively titled 101 Kardashians. The show will focus on Kardashian and West’s attempts to deal with their new children, all the while hunting for nannies to help them out in a televised competition. Wannabe nannies will compete in various tasks such as “Trashiest Make-Up”, “Shortest Marriage,” “How Many Names Start With K” and “Retrieve Kim’s Earing From the Ocean.” West also added a few of his own competitions, including “Bling Management” and “Best Speech Crasher.” There will also be competitions more suited to taking care of the 101 children, such as “Baby Juggling,” “Diaper Olympics” and “Speed Round Bath Time.” The winning nannies must be willing to change their last name to Kardashian and their first name to something beginning with K. Grandmother-to-be Kris Jenner was enthusiastic about the news, but expressed concern that the onslaught of babies could hinder the couple’s sex life, adding that “not too many men want to throw their hotdog down a hallway.”
The Muffington Post obtained an exclusive interview with one of the cast members, Californian professional surfer Brody Fontana.
Though Kim expressed similar concern about the imminent deformation of her lady parts, she looks forward to screening the new show and turning over a new leaf in her life.
“So the format is they give us each $50,000 and then pair us up with experienced African warlords and drop us in impoverished nations,” Fontana says. “The point is to take our good old American know-how and see just how much turmoil we can rustle up over the course of a season. It’s gonna be super chill.”
“I’m so excited to meet all of these new people and just grow as a more mature woman,” said Kim. “Oh yeah, and the whole motherhood thing will be cool too, I guess.”
According to producer Matt Schwartz, the network has seen significant success from programs like Storage Wars and Shipping Wars, and is hoping to capitalize on the model’s popularity. “We took a look at our other ‘Wars’ shows, and I said, well, what if we just see who can instigate the most entertaining war?” he said. “It’s another way to display capitalism’s time-honoured tradition of survival of the fittest.” But the show, which airs next fall, has also come under fire. Professor Emeritus Richard Shellshocklington of Cambridge University’s department of political science has criticized the way in which the show intends to display war, calling the premise “intrinsically flawed.” “What they’re forgetting,” he said between sips of tea, “is that it’s simply not right to make entertainment about things such as body counts and damage to buildings and whatnot. “No, the reality is far more complicated than that. You see, you have to take into account the longterm effects of the war. Post-traumatic stress disorder can only fairly be judged over a very long period of time. Not to mention the power struggles and corruption that emerge in mismanaged post-conflict societies and the destruction they bring with them for, in some cases, decades.” What bothers him most, he said, is that there isn’t a patient enough audience to really do the concept justice. “It would require at least 10 full seasons just to deal with the beginnings of the effects of the first round of wars. And I just don’t think today’s TV-watching public is going to stick around for the long run,” Shellingshocklington shook his head in dismay and sighed. “The real losers here are Brody and the other contestants. They won’t ever truly know who the real winner was, because the show will be cancelled long before that as the public latches onto Sex Wars instead. Oh don’t lie, I know it’s coming.”
To submit your audition tape for 101 Kardashians, just send a sex tape to Ryan Seacrest at the E Network.
16 ~ April 17, 2013
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