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tODAY: Angels may go bowling hi 68º / lo 56º
An independent student newspaper, serving the University of Wisconsin-Madison community since 1892
An English major who can’t speak English
Volume 120, Issue 11
2142 Vilas Communication Hall 821 University Avenue Madison, Wis., 53706-1497 (608) 262-8000 l fax (608) 262-8100
Kathleen Brosnan ‘leen back
News and Editorial edit@dailycardinal.com Editor in Chief Emma Roller Managing Editor Todd Stevens Campus Editor Kayla Johnson City Editor Maggie DeGroot State Editor Ariel Shapiro Enterprise Editor Alison Dirr Associate News Editor Beth Pickhard Senior News Reporters Jamie Stark Ashley Davis Opinion Editors Dan Tollefson Samantha Witthuhn Editorial Board Chair Hannah Furfaro Arts Editors Jacqueline O’Reilly Jon Mitchell Sports Editors Mark Bennett Parker Gabriel Page Two Editor Victoria Statz Features Editor Madeline Anderson Photo Editors Danny Marchewka Ben Pierson Graphics Editors Caitlin Kirihara Natasha Soglin Multimedia Editors Eddy Cevilla Briana Nava Copy Chiefs Anna Jeon Margaret Raimann Nico Savidge Kyle Sparks Copy Editors Jacob Pearce
Business and Advertising business@dailycardinal.com Business Manager Cole Wenzel Advertising Manager Blair Pollard Accounts Receivable Manager Michael Cronin Billing Manager Mindy Cummings Senior Account Executive Mara Greenwald Account Executives Sasha Byaliy Taylor Grubbs Graphic Designer Jaime Flynn Web Director Eric Harris Marketing Director Erica Rykal
The Daily Cardinal is a nonprofit organization run by its staff members and elected editors. It receives no funds from the university. Operating revenue is generated from advertising and subscription sales. The Daily Cardinal is published weekdays and distributed at the University of Wisconsin-Madison and its surrounding community with a circulation of 10,000. Capital Newspapers, Inc. is the Cardinal’s printer. The Daily Cardinal is printed on recycled paper. The Cardinal is a member of the Associated Collegiate Press and the Wisconsin Newspaper Association. All copy, photographs and graphics appearing in The Daily Cardinal are the sole property of the Cardinal and may not be reproduced without written permission of the editor in chief. The Daily Cardinal accepts advertising representing a wide range of views. This acceptance does not imply agreement with the views expressed. The Cardinal reserves the right to reject advertisements judged offensive based on imagery, wording or both. Complaints: News and editorial complaints should be presented to the editor in chief. Business and advertising complaints should be presented to the business manager. Letters Policy: Letters must be word processed and must include contact information. No anonymous letters will be printed. All letters to the editor will be printed at the discretion of The Daily Cardinal. Letters may be sent to opinion@ dailycardinal.com.
Editorial Board Hannah Furfaro Kelsey Gunderson Emma Roller Nico Savidge S. Todd Stevens Dan Tollefson Samantha Witthuhn l
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Board of Directors Board President: Jason Stein Emma Roller Cole Wenzel Samuel Todd Stevens Blair Pollard Vince Filak Janet Larson Alex Kusters Jenny Sereno Chris Drosner Melissa Anderson Ron Luskin Joan Herzing l
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dailycardinal.com/page-two
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
tHURSDAY: chance o’ rain hi 63º / lo 49º
Teachers like to establish in their discussion section that, “All comments are valued and respected. The classroom is a sanctuary and we aren’t going to make fun of the kid who spends 15 minutes talking about that time in third grade when he made a miniature clay pueblo and how it brought him closer to a cultural understanding of the Spanish Conquistadors, and how he thinks blah, blah, blah.” In a similar fashion I ask, this column is a safety zone where I can divulge embarrassing shit that makes me look foolish, right? We aren’t going to judge me for what I’m about to share? No, you are going to judge me? Regardless, I shall bravely forge ahead and selfdeprecate myself to pieces. Taking into consideration the minor detail that I’m an English major, I’m constantly in awe of my impeccably poor communication abilities. I fumble over words like it’s my job. Sometimes I go out on a limb and use a noun as a vowel and hope no one notices the difference. I even like to incorrectly use well-known phrases and mix up vocabulary words. You need examples? I thought so.
It was summer 2004 and I was taking in the great Canadian terrain with relatives on a family vacation. No, silly, we weren’t backpacking up some mountain or maneuvering our way down a river; we were perusing the local candy shop in the quaint city of Stratford. “Gummy Worms?” I proposed to my cousin. “How about Good & Plenty?” she replied. “Yuck, are you crazy?” I said in return. After the controversy ended, (I got my way, in case you were wondering), the whole family huddled up to discuss options for later that evening. After exchanging ideas, I said, “How about we just play it by year?” Everyone went silent. People exchanged glances while others squinted their eyes at me in confusion. My uncle asked me to repeat what I said. Timidly, “Play it by year?” Laughter erupted. Those bastards! My mom, seeing my embarrassment, took one for the team. “Ya know what? I thought it was ‘play it by year’ too. Doesn’t year make more sense than ear? She must have picked it up from me. Simple mistake.” No one protects her baby cub like my mom. (Thanks, ma!) My seventh grade teacher liked to lower the self-esteem of innocent children. It just so happens that in her class I sat next to John, a real jokester. During class, we had to discuss the pre-
vious night’s reading with our neighbor. BUSTED! Naturally, I asked John to quickly fill me in on the reading I hadn’t done because I had been too busy playing “NBA Jam” with my brother. Basically, what it boils down to is that John purposely fed me a load of crap—he said “gauchos” were the same things as “canyons.” I didn’t know better so I tried to make sense of it in my brain. “Gaucho kind of sounds like gouge, and a gouge is sort of like a gorge, and a gorge is a canyon, sooo yeah. It adds up.” My teacher called on me to stand in front of the class and talk about gauchos. “No sweat, I have this one in the bag,” I thought to myself. After giving my spiel she glared at me like the principal in Billy Madison who says, “What you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I’ve ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it.” (Yay! Second Billy Madison reference within three weeks!) She asked me to draw gauchos on the chalkboard. I hesitantly proceeded to draw something that sort of resembled the Grand Canyon. She shook her head in disgrace and asked Hannah (the smarty-pants) to
draw gauchos next to my “work of art.” She drew a perfect pair of Western pants and then recited (even though no one asked her to) the definition of gauchos. What a brat. In sum, my feelings on the matter are, “A simple ‘WRONG’ would have done just fine.” Even now, I’m still f ’ing stuff up. Every liberal arts major knows that papers are the perfect time to shine. A time to say, “I can’t really remember 58 percent of what was said in class on this matter, but here is a pile of embellished B.S. you might find convincing.” Last year I got a paper back that I thought I did fairly well on. First, second and third page did not have any marks. Alright, smooth sailing! But then on page four…yikes! In harsh red ink the following was circled: “Long and behold.” Accompanying the circle was an arrow, the word “What,” and about five question marks. Turns out, “Long and behold” isn’t a phrase; it’s “Lo and behold.” Whoops. So, I suppose this means with one required English class to go, I should probably switch majors? Or maybe just drop out of school altogether. You didn’t know what gauchos were either? Not until they obnoxiously became a fashion trend circa 2005? Let’s chat about it at kqbrosnan@wisc.edu.
Campus Briefs
The best in fake news delivered in briefs for your reading pleasure
‘Whipped Loser’ admits he actually “kinda enjoyed” girlfriend’s UW- Volleyball match UW- Madison senior Stan Lapidus has confirmed rumors that he attended and actually “kinda enjoyed” his girlfriend Sasha’s entire Women’s volleyball match against Purdue Monday night. While Lapidus’ girlfriend and UW-Volleyball captain Sasha Gunderson credited her team’s “fighting spirit” to help explain Wisconsin’s easy victory over Purdue on Monday, Lapidus’ sincere enjoyment of the event remains far more of a mystery as it continues to stump experts such as sociology professor Michael Armstrong.
“We’ve simply never seen anything like this before. And I’ve been working here for nearly forty years,” said Armstrong. Armstrong continued, “This is certainly not the first time we’ve seen boyfriends of volleyball players be dragged to the games as some kind of psychological or emotional punishment, but it takes a truly whipped loser the likes of which we have never seen before to actually have fun at one of these events.” As Armstrong confirmed, it has not been uncommon for boyfriends of volleyball players in the past to be forced to attend games. What makes Lapidus’ case so unique is that he may be the only boyfriend in history to stay for the entire duration of the volleyball match. And
while boyfriends in the past have killed time by looking nervously at their watch, playing games on their cell phones, or ensuring that they show up to the match completely intoxicated, Lapidus used none of those popular strategies. “Yea, I knew Sasha had a game on Monday so I bought tickets to go see ‘Inception’ with my buddy Mike. About forty minutes into the movie, I got a text from Sasha saying that I had better come to the game, so I did what any boyfriend would do: I walked straight out of the theater, stopped at a flower shop to buy [a dozen red roses for Sasha], and sprinted to the gymnasium to go support my baby,” the whipped loser said after the match.
Several male witnesses (who asked that their names be withheld to avoid the humiliation of admitting that they, too, attended the women’s volleyball match) stated that Lapidus watched the game with great interest from the moment he arrived. When asked why they attended the match, they replied, “Well, our only other option was men’s soccer, it’s not like we had a choice.” The witnesses also claim that Lapidus sat on the edge of his seat, refused to take a bathroom break and even stood up and screamed “Lets go!” after a particular point in which Sasha helped the team score, although the final accusation could not be verified immediately. —Phil Vesselinovitch
© 2010, The Daily Cardinal Media Corporation ISSN 0011-5398
For the record In the Tuesday, September 14 edition of The Daily Cardinal, the article “Council members deny TID expansion” incorrectly stated that Common Council members did not expand Tax Incremental District 32 at the Monday Board of Estimates meeting. It should have stated that they voted to expand the district on a 3-3 vote with the tie broken by Mayor Dave Cieslewicz. The Cardinal regrets the error. Corrections or clarifications? Call The Daily Cardinal office at 608-262-8000 or send an e-mail to edit@dailycardinal.com.
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