page two 2
l
TODAY: thunderstorms hi 70º / lo 53º
WEEKEND: few showers hi 47º / lo 69º dailycardinal.com/page-two
Weekend, September 25-27, 2009
An independent student newspaper, serving the University of Wisconsin-Madison community since 1892
Study shows number of students are morons
Volume 119, Issue 18
2142 Vilas Communication Hall 821 University Avenue Madison, Wis., 53706-1497 (608) 262-8000 l fax (608) 262-8100
News and Editorial edit@dailycardinal.com Editor in Chief Charles Brace Managing Editor Justin Stephani Campus Editor Kelsey Gunderson Caitlin Gath City Editor State Editor Hannah Furfaro Enterprise Editor Ryan Hebel Associate News Editor Grace Urban Opinion Editors Anthony Cefali Todd Stevens Editorial Board Editor Qi Gu Arts Editors Kevin Slane Kyle Sparks Sports Editors Scott Kellogg Nico Savidge Features Editor Diana Savage Food Editor Sara Barreau Science Editor Jigyasa Jyotika Photo Editors Isabel Alvarez Danny Marchewka Graphics Editors Amy Giffin Jenny Peek Copy Chiefs Kate Manegold Emma Roller Jake Victor Copy Editors Anna Jeon, Margaret Raimann
Business and Advertising business@dailycardinal.com Business Manager Alex Kusters Advertising Manager Katie Brown Billing Manager Mindy Cummings Accounts Receivable Manager Cole Wenzel Senior Account Executive Ana Devcic Account Executives Mara Greenwald, Kristen Lindsay, D.J. Nogalski, Jordan Rossman, Sarah Schupanitz Online Account Executive Tom Shield Eric Harris, Dan Hawk Web Directors Marketing Director Mia Beeson Archivist Erin Schmidtke The Daily Cardinal is published weekdays and distributed at the University of Wisconsin-Madison and its surrounding community with a circulation of 10,000. The Daily Cardinal is a nonprofit organization run by its staff members and elected editors. It receives no funds from the university. Operating revenue is generated from advertising and subscription sales. Capital Newspapers, Inc. is the Cardinal’s printer. The Daily Cardinal is printed on recycled paper. The Cardinal is a member of the Associated Collegiate Press and the Wisconsin Newspaper Association. All copy, photographs and graphics appearing in The Daily Cardinal are the sole property of the Cardinal and may not be reproduced without written permission of the editor in chief. The Daily Cardinal accepts advertising representing a wide range of views. This acceptance does not imply agreement with the views expressed. The Cardinal reserves the right to reject advertisements judged offensive based on imagery, wording or both. Complaints: News and editorial complaints should be presented to the editor in chief. Business and advertising complaints should be presented to the business manager. Letters Policy: Letters must be typewritten, double-spaced and no longer than 200 words, including contact information. Letters may be sent to letters@dailycardinal.com.
Editorial Board Charles Brace Anthony Cefali Qi Gu Jamie Stark Todd Stevens Justin Stephani l
l
ANDREW LAHR spare me the lahrcasm
H
ave you ever bought an “ab-tronic” off of the TV for sculpted abs, seen a hypnotherapist for a life change or considered becoming a scientologist? Then, according to a lengthy study conducted by several UW-Madison graduate students, you may be a moron. In a correlational study conducted on several hundred UWMadison students who were told they were being asked to participate in a study which was to uncover a link between lifestyle and obesity, data was collected on the daily activities of the eager participants. Researchers were baffled by the results. Apparently over 80 percent of participants, with a 2.3 percent margin of error, engaged in activities which, under normal circumstances, a full-fledged moron
would partake in. These studies are not intended to belittle the acuity of the human race, but only to isolate those instances of mental ineptitude in order to lower future instances of unintentional idiocy. Tim Sheraton, the lead research coordinator for the study, said the research was “intended to show the inherent intelligence embedded in the human psyche, but actually ended up doing just the opposite.” He went on to add, “I, like my colleagues, was assigned the job of monitoring daily activities of the participants, and after reviewing the data of a 19-year-old male, I fear for the future of the human race as a whole.” Sheraton went on to list examples of moronic tendencies in his observation. “I saw things that even those who I would consider unintelligent people would cringe at. I watched my participant, heavily inebriated off of keg beer, walk up to local law enforcement, vomit at their feet, and then ask them for quick directions to Taco Bell to ‘refill the tank’ for the night.” He was
The Dirty Bird
Vince Filak Alex Kusters Nik Hawkins Jason Stein Jeff Smoller Janet Larson Chris Long Charles Brace Katie Brown Benjamin Sayre Jenny Sereno Terry Shelton l
l
l
l
l
l
© 2009, The Daily Cardinal Media Corporation ISSN 0011-5398
For the record Corrections or clarifications? Call The Daily Cardinal office at 608-262-8000 or send an e-mail to edit@dailycardinal.com.
of her participants was seen purchasing an anti-aging face rub, apparently under the impression that the oily cream was going to reverse cell-aging on her face. Other instances of moronic activity included actually buying music and movies off of the Internet, using those whitening strips you get at Walgreens, an affinity for France or anything French, consuming overpriced “organic” foods, listening to Lil’ Wayne by choice, willingly drinking Busch Light and watching more than accidental amounts of MTV on any given day. Extended studies will be conducted outside of Madison after the unexpected results virtually baffled local researchers. It seems that current social data don’t actually factor in the “incredible lack of common sense” engraved in the minds of everyday people. Studies will begin in Milwaukee next month with the expected results of an even higher percentage of stupidity than here in Madison. Worried you’re a moron? Find out by e-mailing Andrew at aplahr@wisc.edu.
sex and the student body
GREASED LIGHTNING ERICA ANDRIST sex columnist Hi Erica, I was in the Sex Out Loud office yesterday and you guys have a million different kinds of lube. What are the differences between all the lubes, advantages/disadvantages, etc. Sincerely, Seeking Lube Information Please
l
Board of Directors
promptly laughed at, arrested and thrown in the drunk can. It is important to note that instances of severe mental handicap were not based solely on actions while under the influence of alcohol, as even Albert Einstein struggled with relativity after a few shots of whiskey in him. In fact, the most staggering moronic actions were recorded while participants were in a sober state. Susanne Heidelberg, a promising medical school student who handled the observation of several “high-interest” participants, details some of the actions she recorded. She was particularly surprised at the stupidity present in her assigned students, as she assumed you’d have to have some amount of brains to get into UW-Madison. “I watched a 20-year old female buy three bottles of Fiji Water at three dollars each. She based her decision solely on the ‘pretty bottle’ and her desire for that unique watery taste found only in the depths of a volcanic island in the Pacific.” Another
Hey SLIP, My readers are getting creative with the sign-offs. Love it. I also love that you’ve been checking out the SOL office and our safer sex supplies, but please note I’m not representing SOL’s stance on any particular issue when I write for the DC. If you want to talk to me in my SOL capacity, you can certainly visit me in the SOL office. Anyway, regardless of the capacity I do it in, I could talk about lube all effing day. Lube is a super-duper supplement to our sex lives; it serves the dual purposes of making things safer and more pleasurable. It does both by reducing friction, and less friction equals a lesser likelihood that things will tear, e.g. a condom or the lining of your asshole. Neither of those events is something most of us particularly look forward to happening during sex, so lube can be a helpful addition. Once we’ve decided to use lube, we have three basic kinds to choose from: water-based, silicone-based, and oil-based. Water-based lubes are made primarily with water (duh), and some common brands include Astroglide, KY, Sliquid, Maximus, and Liquid Silk (note—Liquid Silk does contain a small amount of silicone, but for all practical purposes falls into the category of “water-based”). Many people like water-based lubes because they absorb into the skin after a little while, meaning you don’t have to walk around all day with a sticky had-sex-this-morning residue all
over your private region. However, if you’re in for a lengthy sack session, this may also be a disadvantage of water-based lubes, since they will require some reapplication after a while (KY is notorious for this, since it wasn’t originally designed for prolonged friction; it was designed to help doctors stick their fingers more easily into, ahem, tight spaces). These lubes also wash right off with water, so if you’re taking an especially relaxing bubble bath, you’ll want to try a silicone lube. Finally, one free, readily-available water-based lube is spit. I am not suggesting you hawk a loogie into your partner’s lap, but a little oral sex prior to intercourse or manual stimulation can provide all the benefits of lube from a tube.
Lube is a super-duper supplement to our sex lives; it serves the dual purposes of making things safer and more pleasurable.
Many water-based lubes are thin and, er, watery, but some thicker, creamier varieties are available. However, many people prefer silicone-based lubes, such as Wet Platinum, Eros, or System Jo, if they like a little more texture. To know if your lube is silicone-based, look for something ending in –cone in the ingredient list (usually you’ll see dimethicone and/or cyclomethicone). Silicone lube is also used on most lubricated condoms. These lubes have the advantage of being thicker and longer-lasting than water-based lubes, but the correlated disadvantage is that they can sometimes keep things slick long after they’ve served their desired purpose. Another disadvantage of silicone lube is that it can’t be coupled with silicone toys. Silicone is a solid at room temperature, and silicone lube is made with a particular chemical to keep it liquid at room temperature. Thus, if you get that liquid silicone lube chemical on your solid silicone toy, your toy will start to liquefy. Maybe in your butt. Bad news. Last and pretty much least, I’m going
to spend just a second talking about oil-based lubes. I don’t want to make a blanket “you should not use oil-based lube” statement, because many people enjoy the long-lasting lubrication oil can provide. However, while both water- and silicone-based lubes are condom-compatible, oil will degrade latex barriers, making them more likely to break. Oil is also difficult to remove from your orifices, since water and oil don’t mix, and most of us aren’t really interested in a soapy postsex enema. For these reasons, water- or silicone-based lubes are better options. On top of these bases, many lubricants have bells and whistles designed to “tingle” or “taste like chicken.” While some people do find these bells and whistles to enhance the tastes, smells and other sensations of sex play, many others find putting additional chemicals in/onto their most sensitive areas result in some unpleasant reactions. Many flavored lubes contain some kind of sugar (often glycerin), which yeast looooves to grow on. “Tingling” lubes are commonly irritants, and the tingling sensation we feel is our epithelial cells saying, “Hey, omg, wtf?” Some spermicidal lubes, nonoxynol-9 in particular, are great at killing sperm, but are so irritating they actually cause itty-bitty tears in the lining of the vagina/rectum, increasing our susceptibility to HIV infection. Again, these are not necessarily blanket statements saying, “Don’t use these.” Rather, they are things to be aware of if you decide to try out these lubes, and they are reasons to test out small amounts of any new lubricant before dousing your favorite toy with it and going to town. See, I told you—I could talk about lube all effing day. Whatever your question is, I could probably go on about it all effing day. Thanks to SLIP for whetting our appetites this week (pun intended), and shoot me an e-mail if you’d like me to expound on your favorite topic next week. Wanna get direct feedback to questions you’re too embarrassed to ask in public, but desperately need answered just in time for the weekend? E-mail Erica at sex@dailycardinal.com.