almanac 2
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hi 39º / lo 31º
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
An independent student newspaper, serving the University of Wisconsin-Madison community since 1892 Volume 123, Issue 80
2142 Vilas Communication Hall 821 University Avenue Madison, Wis., 53706-1497 (608) 262-8000 • fax (608) 262-8100
News and Editorial edit@dailycardinal.com
tODAY: mostly sunny
Editor-in-Chief Abigail Becker
Managing Editor Mara Jezior
News Team News Manager Sam Cusick Campus Editor Adelina Yankova College Editor Emily Gerber City Editor Patricia Johnson State Editor Eoin Cottrell Associate News Editor Dana Kampa Features Editor Melissa Howison
:
Opinion Editors Haleigh Amant • Ryan Bullen Editorial Board Chair Anna Duffin Arts Editors Cheyenne Langkamp • Sean Reichard Sports Editors Brett Bachman • Jonah Beleckis Almanac Editors Andy Holsteen • Kane Kaiman Photo Editors Courtney Kessler • Jane Thompson Graphics Editors Mikaela Albright • Haley Henschel Multimedia Editors Amy Gruntner • Grey Satterfield Science Editor Nia Sathiamoorthi Life & Style Editor Katy Hertel Special Pages Editor Samy Moskol Social Media Manager Rachel Wanat Copy Chiefs Vince Huth • Justine Jones Maya Miller • Kayla Schmidt Copy Editors Claire Esmonde • Kara Evenson Ilyssa Frank • Ellisa Kosadi
Business and Advertising business@dailycardinal.com Business Manager Tyler Reindl Advertising Manager Jordan Laeyendecker Assistant Advertising Manager Corissa Pennow Account Executives Brianna Albee • Erin Aubrey Michael Metzler • Dan Shanahan Elisa Wiseman Marketing Director Cooper Boland
The Daily Cardinal is a nonprofit organization run by its staff members and elected editors. It receives no funds from the university. Operating revenue is generated from advertising and subscription sales. The Daily Cardinal is published weekdays and distributed at the University of WisconsinMadison and its surrounding community with a circulation of 10,000. Capital Newspapers, Inc. is the Cardinal’s printer. The Daily Cardinal is printed on recycled paper. The Cardinal is a member of the Associated Collegiate Press and the Wisconsin Newspaper Association. All copy, photographs and graphics appearing in The Daily Cardinal are the sole property of the Cardinal and may not be reproduced without written permission of the editor in chief. The Daily Cardinal accepts advertising representing a wide range of views. This acceptance does not imply agreement with the views expressed. The Cardinal reserves the right to reject advertisements judged offensive based on imagery, wording or both. Complaints: News and editorial complaints should be presented to the editor in chief. Business and advertising complaints should be presented to the business manager. Letters Policy: Letters must be word processed and must include contact information. No anonymous letters will be printed. All letters to the editor will be printed at the discretion of The Daily Cardinal. Letters may be sent to opinion@ dailycardinal.com.
Editorial Board Haleigh Amant • Abigail Becker Ryan Bullen • Anna Duffin Mara Jezior • Cheyenne Langkamp Tyler Nickerson • Michael Penn Nikki Stout l
Board of Directors Herman Baumann, President Abigail Becker • Mara Jezior Jennifer Sereno • Stephen DiTullio Jacob Sattler • Janet Larson Don Miner • Phil Brinkman Jason Stein • Nancy Sandy Tina Zavoral
© 2014, The Daily Cardinal Media Corporation ISSN 0011-5398
For the record Corrections or clarifications? Call The Daily Cardinal office at 608-262-8000 or send an email to edit@dailycardinal.com.
Inur yo
DREAMS
Getting over PostTraumatic Jock Disorder Kane kaiman dream interpreter
Kane Kaiman is a graduate of Cedarburg High School. There, he scored a 5 on his AP Psychology test, giving him the authority to interpret the dreams of all humans and some of the earth’s more intelligent mammals. A brooding recluse, Kaiman has not been seen outside his mansion at 222 N. Carter in over six years. This week’s dream:
“I was college-aged, but I went back home for a baseball tournament. But the tournament was for high school kids only, so I was told to sneak in the main doors of the ballpark if I wanted to play. The person that told me to sneak in was really just trying to get me in trouble and security stopped me and asked for I.D. They said they were taking the I.D. to Jim Barton, who was my boss back in high school. I said ‘good’ because I thought he would vouch for me, but he walked by and told security to kick me out. And they did.” —Jacob Miller, sophomore
One hundred percent accurate interpretation:
We all wish we could go back and relive the glory days. You and I more than most. The year is 2002. It’s a very important mid-June night. My groundbreaking work studying the dreams of dolphins has finally paid off, and I’m about to give an acceptance speech for the Abraham Maslow Award in front of hundreds of the world’s most influential psychologists at the International Psychologist Association’s annual convention. As I am walking up to the podium, it dawns on me: This is the pinnacle of my career. And I am truly happy for the first time in my life. In three weeks my face will be on the cover of Time Magazine above the caption “Dolphin Doolittle: The Psychologist That Can Speak to Animals.” In four weeks I will be dating Marisa Tomei. And in five, “The Dolphin Dream Diaries” will become a New York Times Best Seller, making me the most wealthy psychologist on the planet. Flash forward to the present day. No one is asking me to give any speeches. No one from Time
wants to take my photograph. I’m single and penniless. Where did it all go wrong? My interpretations are still 100 percent accurate! They always will be! Accuracy is not the issue. The simple fact is that people don’t need human dream interpreters anymore. Super computers, such as Deep Dreamer and Vision Master II, have rendered our work obsolete. Of course, these computers are so large that they fill entire rooms, but they can interpret dreams in fractions of a second. You’ll get a speedy and 100 percent accurate interpretation. Beep, boop, bop: “You. Have. Intimacy. Issues.” Beep, boop, bop: “You. Have. An. Oedipus. Complex.”
No one cares about that home run you hit in sectionals or the time you went all the way with Carmen Santos behind the bleachers.
But you’ll only get the bare bones. You won’t get any advice, or sympathy, for that matter. Nevertheless, dream interpreters are a dying breed, and have been for years. These computers get more sophisticated every day. And, eventually, every newspaper will have one, including The Daily Cardinal. So, do I wish I could wind the clock back to 2002 and waltz back up to that podium again? Of course I do. But I don’t obsess over it so much that it influences my dreams. It’s time to let go, Jake. No more fantasizing about your high school baseball career. No more telling people about making All-Conference. You aren’t the big man on campus anymore. No one cares about that home run you hit in sectionals or the time you went all the way with Carmen Santos behind the bleachers. This is a school of over 40,000 people. How many of them do you think consider themselves high school sports heroes? If you want to regain some of that former glory, it’s time to find a new niche. I recommend writing for The Daily Cardinal. The Carmen Santos of the world have grown up since high school, and I heard they’re into intellectual guys these days. Do you have a dream you want Kane to interpret for you or someone you know? Email Kane at kaiman@wisc.edu for his absolutely 100 percent factually accurate advice.
Thursday: rain/snow mix hi 36º / lo 15º
dailycardinal.com
Almanac Classifieds
For sale
Services
Playboy collection—Welp, I’ve been a monthly subscriber to the premier sexy gentleman’s magazine since the 1970s. Let’s just say Hugh is my man. Been single my entire life, so these Bunnies are kinda like girlfriends. In total, 148 magazines are for sale. No crusties, I swear. All soiled issues have been disposed of. Serious inquiries only. Really need this money to support my addiction of paying for online porn. $1,000, no negotiations. Email cremedeladreme@yahoo.com.
Advanced Pokemon tutor— Been playing GameBoy since I was a wee lad (I’m 20 y/o now). Was the first U-12 to have 151 Pokemon on Red, Yellow and Blue versions of the game. I charge $20 per hour for personalized sessions. Can help even the most advanced players (trust me, I’m better than you noobZ), 555-6665.
Mini bottles of Axe Shampoo—Used to work at the Cinema 12. When promoting “Transformers 3,” we had a special Decepti-scent bodywash giveaway. I have like 500 or so little bottles of this shit. I’m 39, I can’t wear this stuff without feeling like an idiot. I want to get rid of the whole lot at once, 100 bucks or best offer. Call 555-9090.
Ideas guy—I’m full of ideas! Need someone around to give you that much-needed genius plan? That’s me! I hardly go a day without seeing something on TV that I thought of years ago! It’s insane! Find me behind the counter at CVS if you want to talk. I just demeand half of all the fame, glory, money and credit that results from my spectacular ideas.
Shopping Carts—These are not, I repeat, ARE NOT, from the Copp’s off Park Street. I just so happened to come across 20 or so unattended shopping carts sitting around near my house. I did not steal them. Nope. If you are a supermarket and in need of nearly two dozen Grade-A shopping carts, text me at 5558903. No, I didn’t steal them. Soul—In all the movies (“Bedazzled” is my fav), the devil lets people sell their souls for anything they want. Well I want to sell my soul. My life has been spiralling downhill for the past eight years or so. I work a dead-end job, nobody loves me. Nothing exciting has ever happened to me in my entire sad existence. Would prefer to trade for 10 wishes. Meet me at the Memorial Union Terrace at midnight if you can make this work. Garbage—One man’s trash is another man’s treasure! Come dig through the landfill also known as my home. There’s probably something nice. For address call 555-0098.
Bushwacker—Exactly what it sounds like. My services are free of charge. I’ll find you.
Cars & Vehicles Gearless bike—AND YOU THOUGHT FIXED GEARS WERE COOL! This is the hippest f-ing bike you’ll ever see. Don’t ask how it works. It doesn’t. This is an entirely aesthetic method of transportation. Dudes with thick mustaches and flannels will be in awe. Chicks who are way to cool to talk to you might look in your general direction or show some degree of emotion for the first time in years. You will get laid instantly. Email zeppelinsux1992@aol.com for all the deets. WANTED: Useless, rusty scrap parts—willing to pay top dollar. I’m trying to make my yard look like a scrap yard. I’ll take doors. I’ll take steering wheels. I”ll take full cars, half cars, quarter cars, tractors, trucks, semis. Anything that no longer works at all, I want it. Soon my neighbors will wish they hadn’t installed those damn flood lights. Lolling at their demolished property value. Address is 19 Grandview. Just come by and dump yer shit.
On this day in history... 1861—Russian Tsar Alexander II abolishes serfdom. He institutes good, old-fashioned slavery the next day. 1913—The very first Cracker Jack prize, a live sea urchin, is inserted into the box. 1960—Bil Keane’s “Family Circus” cartoon strip debuts. Centered around a dysfunctional family of horrifically disfigured circus freaks, the strip becomes famous for its graphic content. 1987—The first anti-smoking ad airs on television featuring Yul Brynner. Brynner famously spits right onto the camera lens after uttering the line, “I’d rather throw in a nice chaw than inhale that shit.”