HEALTH & SCIENCE
Wave goodbye to waving p.5
ARTS & CULTURE
Movies that make you mad p.9
WALK WITH US
Prepare to have your world woked p.11 JANUARY 26, 2011 ISSUE I, VOLUME I
“I NEVER THOUGHT WE’D HAVE A FIFTH ‘R’” REV. JULIAN BULL’S STRIKING NEW VISION FOR CAMPBELL HALL
The Oracle College Psychic “He told me I was a lock for LA Valley College. He was right!” - Sophia Bredice
“I didn’t believe The Oracle when he told me I wouldn’t get into Harvard. Trust me-that won’t happen again.” - Greg Romano
“The Oracle? Yeah, I know him. If you see him, tell him I’m still waiting on the 20 bucks he owes me from CPK three weeks ago.” - Nikki Miller
“I was there when The Oracle told a random passerby that he probably had no friends. It was amazing.” - Brett Lake
“He’s not God... but he’s pretty close.” - Caryl Kristensen
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Your Guide to Navigating This Issue Of
Editors: Chelsea Duff ‘11 Matisse Haddad ‘11 Lexi Klein ‘11 Brett Lake ‘11 Chelsea Pearson ‘11 Matt Romano ‘11 Michael Weinberg ‘11
THE CAMPBELL SOUP
Natalie Alavi ‘11 Izzy Bugatti ‘11 Danny Dunitz ‘11 Adam Ehrlich ‘11 Mackenzie Fargo ‘11 Dominic Johns ‘11 Alex Johnson ‘11 Greg Romano ‘11 Emily Trebek ‘11 Celestina DiMauro ‘13 Margaret LaGaly ‘14 The Campbell Soup is not to be confused with the nutritious, easy to cook deliciousness that takes just minutes to prepare. We are a student organization committed to the improvement and edification of our beloved school through humor. Self-aware institutions can laugh at themselves, accept constructive criticism, and celebrate their imperfections; it is no accident that these institutions are also among the most established and well respected. Campbell Hall’s membership into the pantheon of satirized institutions is richly deserved and long overdue.
Interested in joining The Campbell Soup? E-mail email@example.com for more information
Cover Story - The Fifth ‘R’ Coachellitis Outbreak New Carpal Tunnel Findings Senioritis Pandemic Sparknotes Outage
2 4 5 5 6
SPORTS 7th Woman Key in Victory Full Court Press with Hayley Scott Middle School P.E. Imposter Tennis Team Cruises to Another CIF Title Cheerleader Injured
7 7 8 8 8
ARTS Actors Getting ‘A’s Movies That Changed Everything
WALK WITH US Camels on Campus Wok With Us Pyrotechnics 2 Second Rule
11 11 12 12
The Campbell Hall We Really “R” In the wake of the Villa’s demolition, a new school identity is found. GROUND ZERO, CH - Campbell Hall administrators were shocked this week to learn that Matt Construction employees had unearthed two stone tablets detailing a “Fifth R,” Wrestling, to accompany the current four. The tablets had been submerged at the site of the new performing arts center (and parking garage) for centuries, as the new “R” is written in an ancient and archaic form of Greek, according to experts. Following the discovery, the Campbell Hall board of directors and administrators met to discuss how to fully and effectively implement the “Fifth R” into the community. “I’ve always felt four R’s weren’t enough,” said Campbell Hall Headmaster Julian Bull, “and though I’ve wanted for some time to introduce a fifth, the timing never felt right. Now, as a 5th R has been miraculously bestowed upon us, I can think of no better way to usher in this new era of our fine school.” In accordance with the new “R”, the Elementary, Junior High, and High School curricula will be reformed to include principles of wrestling. This will mean introductory courses on the history of wrestling, wrestling styles and maneuvers, and guest lectures from wrestling experts, like Mickey Rourke. Alongside the chapel program, a new wrestling program will fill students’ activities block once a week. Current Campbell Hall administrators will work together to design
the wrestling program. A new administrative position, equivalent to the Chaplain, will most likely be created to suit the needs of this new program. The discovery has the school’s Art Department working overtime to make updates as necessary. New music and lyrics for the alma mater will try to capture the warrior spirit of the wrestler, and a new video to be called “The Fifth R” will aspire to have the longevity of its predecessor. School officials anticipate some concerns over the dangers of a contact sport like wrestling. An elementary school administrator who refused to be named indicated that the school is making preparations for a backlash. “We recognize the risks and will take precautions against them. For starters, a virtual and completely safe wrestling simulator will be placed in every Elementary classroom, so as to instill the values of the sport while simultaneously reassuring anxious parents.” In perhaps the most telling commitment to overhauling the curriculum, Reverend Bull also announced that graduating seniors can only obtain their diploma if they can successfully submit him with an arm-bar. “I’m not going easy on anyone,” said Bull without breaking a smile after a heavy workout. “The seniors had better be ready for a real struggle.” --D.D.
Archaeologists became suspicious after these men were found on the building site. photo by Lexi Klein (11)
School News SCHOOL BRACES FOR ABSENCES DUE TO COACHELLA
HIGH SCHOOL OFFICE, CHCampbell Hall School is busy making early preparations for a possible quarantine after attempts to contain a mysterious seasonal illness have failed. A recent report prepared by school nurse Rachel McDermott indicates that almost half of the high school falls seriously ill around Friday, April 15th of every year. Her report suggested that Campbell Hall administrators will “take the initiative” this year to “do whatever it takes to ensure the health and safety of our students.” Administrators have hired a team of UCLA doctors led by renowned epidemiologist James Reuben to investigate the absences. “The real clues lie in the notes,” observed Dr. Reuben, who spent hours going over the data. “Every note and voicemail seems to say either ‘out sick’ or ‘coachella.’” Although administrators had never heard of Coachella, the doctors are now researching where it comes from and how best to stop it. “I have been studying medicine for 27 years, so I am sure I
Investigators and doctors poured over hundreds of notes just like this one from April, 2010. Photo by Lexi Klein (11)
can find a cure to this illness,” says Reuben. “My staff and I have been investigating this new disease, which we have given the scientific name Febris Coachellitis, and I am sure we will find both the root and the cure soon.” Medical historians think there were possible cases of Coachella found in the Attu Island in the early 18th century.
Another outbreak of Coachella seemed to have claimed the lives of an entire crew of Antarctic explorers. Still, doctors are still uncertain as to whether this is the same disease. Not everyone is caught up in the hysteria. Some members of the faculty think the administration’s response is excessive. English teacher Catherine Siphron, who herself endured several long days of Coachella, thinks it is a rite of passage. “If you’re a teenager in California, you’re probably going to experience a Coachella or two,” said Siphron. “It’s at the end of the year, and it’s pretty harmless.” In the meantime, School administrators are encouraging parents who fear their kids are coming down with Coachella fever to take their kids to UCLA to be examined. “Despite the prevalence of Coachella, it has never caused our students to visit their doctor,” said Secondary School Principal Carolyn LaGaly. “This may explain why today’s doctors have no answers.” --M.H.
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School News REPORT: DRIVING TO SCHOOL A MAJOR HEALTH RISK SOUTH WASH, CH After months of research following several complaints of wrist pain in upperclassmen, school officials were able to confirm yesterday that students who park on campus are at a higher risk of developing carpal tunnel syndrome than students who park off campus. Once the increase of carpal tunnel incidence was confirmed, the Parking and Transportation Committee conducted a three week self-study. The report found that the average on-campus parker waved sixteen times each morning and an additional thirteen times in the afternoon when exiting school.
A student irritates her flexor tendons while leaving school.
Photo by Michael Weinberg (11)
“Your average morning drive to campus is going to include waves to five security guards, four teachers, four groups of students, and oncoming three cars on your drive in,” said Mr. Ray Griffin, the committee co-chairman. “On the way out, students will wave to three security guards, three teachers, and three groups of students. That means that, in one week of driving on campus, a student will wave 203 times.”
While school lawyers are investigating the potential liabilities, medical staff warn of the health risks. “The repetitive twist and lift motion can lead not only to carpal tunnel syndrome, but also to arthritis and other repetitive strain injuries,” explained school nurse Rachel McDermott. School officials also worry that students will now turn to head nodding, which can be even more dangerous. For the time being, the report advises students to look straight ahead when driving on campus, and to use the “I didn’t see you” excuse if they are confronted for being rude. --A.E.
SENIORITIS CLAIMS SOPHOMORES; OUTBREAK FEARED SOPHOMORE LOCKERS, CH - An outbreak of severe senioritis in the sophomore class has killed the Ivy League hopes of 4 students, school administrators have said. The outbreak, which previously had been confined to the senior patio, has now begun to spread to the teeming sophomore hallway filled with overcrowded, unsanitary crowds, prompting authorities on Tuesday to brace for a more severe epidemic than previously thought. “Senioritis is a complex public health emergency under normal circumstances,” said Mrs. LaGaly, secondary school principal. “Sophomores are a year away from worrying about college, so they can be under the impression that their grades don’t count. By the time they realize [their grades] really do matter, they’re too lazy to do anything about it.” Signs of senioritis in underclassmen include constant tardies, lack of proper uniform and complete and utter apathy.
Sophomores on a simultaneous bathroom trip organized via cell phone.
Doctors began testing for the disease after two sophomores showed up without their books for two weeks. Mr. Vinny Cimmino, math instructor at Campbell Hall, said that the school’s health office sent home letters earlier in the week warning parents of a possible outbreak.
Photo by Lexi Klein (11)
The outbreak has bewildered teachers who are more accustomed to these symptoms in seniors. Senior Mary Chieffo, who has demonstrated an immunity to the disease, has given researchers blood samples in the hopes of finding a vaccine. --A.E.
School News ENTIRE SOPHOMORE CLASS FAILS ENGLISH
LIBRARY, CH - An entire class of sophomores failed their finals after the booksummary website Sparknotes suffered an outage in midJanuary. The website server crashed the weekend before the final due to an unprecedented number of students trying to access the site at once. “When I realized I wasn’t going to be able to get my chapter-by-chapter Sparknote summary of my assigned books, all I could do was accept an F on the final,” said Darby White (13), whose feelings were mirrored by many other students in her English class. “I haven’t read a whole book since the 3rd grade,” said sophomore Griffin Mckinzie (13). “Once I realized Sparknotes was down and freetranslation.com couldn’t translate from Shakespearian to English, I knew my chances at passing the final were slim.” According to the admin-
Sophomores express shock and horror.
istration, up to 67% of the sophomore class complained of flu-like symptoms on the day of the exam. Students were disapponited to find that the health office was stocked with extra ibuprofren. Despite the technical difficulties, some clever students found ways to obtain the coveted Sparknotes. A student who prefers to be anonymous shared, “I re-
Photo by Lexi Klein (11)
alized that the overflow of Sparknotes users the weekend before the final might crash the site. I was one step ahead of the game.” The student could have been found on Ben Street the morning before the exam selling printout copies of Sparknotes for $50 each. “It’s basic supply and demand” said Economics Teacher Mr. Kevin Morgan after hearing of the make-
shift business. Representatives from sparknotes.com refused to be interviewed for this story. When pressed, senior executives insisted that their product is not marketed towards school-aged kids, but towards adults that are looking to appear more sophisticated at cocktail parties. --M.R.
Sports SEVENTH WOMAN IN THE STANDS BECOMES SIXTH PLAYER ON THE COURT GARVER GYM, CH - A student in the stands was impelled into action during a Girls Volleyball Game after the Lady Vikings, dressing the minimum number due to a contagious virus, suffered an injury to a key player in the final game of the season. With a commanding 2-0 game advantage, the Vikings were serving for the match when senior Rose Haworth (11) re-injured her sprained ankle. After Haworth was ruled out of the game by school trainers, CIF officials ruled that super-fan Mike Weinberg (11), 17, could enter the game as an emergency substitute. “We didn’t want to forfeit after playing so hard in the first two sets,” said the Lady Vikes’ Head Coach. “[Weinberg] has been to every game this season. He was in uniform, as always, so it made the most sense to bring him on.” Opposing Head Coach Merguerian Smith protested the substitution, but was overruled by CIF officials. “The recent trend of girls playing maledominated sports like football and wrestling made the decision a no-brainer,” recounted one CIF official. “The student in question was enrolled and eligible. It would have been sexist not to put him in the game.” When informed that he would be “subbed in,” Weinberg ran down from the stands chanting “seventh woman, seventh woman,” a reference to the once-popular fan club that has been reduced to just Weinberg this season. “For the most part, Mike did what was asked of him,” said senior Sydney Carfagno on Weinberg’s
“We told him to stay out of the way by running out of bounds after each serve.” performance. The Vikings were leading 24-23 when the opposing server located Weinberg and sent a jump serve in his direction. Weinberg, who had been running off the court as instructed, was credited with a dig after the ball ricocheted off his head, over the net, and just out of reach for the diving opposing player. “It’s funny how things work out sometimes,” said Weinberg. “I never thought I’d get a second chance after Home Alone 4.” --G.R.
Super fan Michael Weinberg (11) watches the Lady Vikes warm up before a match. Photo by Lexi Klein (11)
FULL COURT PRESS WITH HAYLEY SCOTT Today freshman sports correspondent Hayley Scott caught up with senior varsity baseball player, varsity football player, and Homecoming King Henry Aleck (11) for an exclusive interview. Hayley Scott: Henry! All of my friends tell me you’re a quarterback! You totally look like a quarterback. Henry Aleck: Uh, actually, I’m a linebacker. HS: Wow… I bet that’s really tough. You probably have to be, like, totally fearless to do that, huh? So, Henry… I heard that some senior guys can bench like 300 lbs. How much can you bench? HA: Like 200? I don’t know. HS: Oh my god you are so funny. Are you always this funny? ‘Cause you’re, like, really funny! HA: I have Calc in 2 minutes... HS: Okay, last question! I heard you drive a blacked out jeep. That is so cool. You know, I’ve always wanted to ride in a jeep... I bet it’s totally freeing and exciting. Jeeps are sooo rugged and dangerous. HA: Yeah...that wasn’t really a question. HS: Daddy is so excited to meet you. HA: What? HS: Okay, thanks -- bye! HA: ….
HS STUDENT CAUGHT IN JH PE CLASS LOWER GYM, CH - Many high schoolers fantasize about going back to Junior High and recapturing their former prestigious athletic days. One Campbell Hall student took this idea a little too far. For 9 weeks, George Kisselevsky (12) managed to play the role of an 8th grade student enrolled in an F block Physical Education class. He was later outed after junior high parents began to question his abnormal height, strength, and facial hair. “He’s huge; I don’t understand how people didn’t pick up on him earlier,” said Andrew LaGaly (11). “I mean, he starts on the varsity football team. How he wasn’t identified earlier is beyond me.” LaGaly and some teammates would often approach the 6’0” 230 lbs Kisselevsky, asking him if he wanted to “hang out” during his F block free. According to LaGaly, Kisselevsky would always decline, saying, “I have work to do.” Turns out Kisselevsky did have work to do – work that resulted in taking down tweens that came his way on the basketball court. His per-game averages of 35 points, 30 rebounds, 10 blocks, and 4 students sent to the school nurse shattered California middle school athletic records. College scouts began to take notice.
GIRLS’ VARSITY TENNIS TEAM WINS WITH NON-DOMINANT HANDS VALLEY COLLEGE, LA - The girls’ varsity tennis team competed in a thrilling CIF championship match in which the team won 10-8 after competing with their non-dominant hand. The tennis team was undefeated entering the match and CIF voted that the team had to switch hands in order to make it fair for their opponents. “We’ve been blowing teams out of the water the whole year,” said Coach Steve Kuechel. “After winning three consecutive CIF championships, I was more than willing to give my girls a challenge.” Even with the switch in hands, the team handled their opponents easily, leaving them even more disheartened by their loss. Players after the match credit Kuechel with keeping them sharp and motivated. “This is the best effort I’ve given in four years,” said Sarah Lee (11). “We’re really competitive girls, and we find a way to win no matter the circumstances.” --B.L.
George “Babyface” Kisselevsky
Photo by Lexi Klein (11)
School health officials and athletic trainers were among the first to raise serious questions about Kisselevsky’s eligibility after training rooms were flooded regularly during F block. “The injuries we saw during F block were unlike anything we’ve seen for middle school students,” said Athletic Trainer Gina Jo. “Bloody noses and black eyes happen every once in a while -- but never in numbers like these.” While parents are livid and administrators embarrassed, the junior high students themselves have mixed feelings. “George didn’t mean to hurt anyone,” sobbed one 7th grade girl who was a member of Kisselevsky’s P.E. class. “All he wanted to do was play sports, and the administration just kicked him out of the junior high! It’s so unfair! George and I were supposed to be together and now we’re not allowed to see each other! He didn’t do anything wrong!” After making sure that Kisselevsky was not around, most junior high boys shared that they were happy to see the senior go. “It wasn’t fair. He had six inches and three years on the rest of us - we couldn’t be expected to compete,” commented an 8th grade male basketball player. “It’s nice to know that he wasn’t some super human freak athlete. Now I can go back to dominating.” --D.J. & C.D.
CHEERLEADER INJURED AT GAME; CROWD UNRESPONSIVE FOOTBALL FIELD, CH - A cheerleader who suffered a high ankle sprain during the Vikings’ game against Brentwood was neglected as her teammates pleaded with the crowd for assistance. According to witnesses, the cheerleaders kicked and screamed, at one point even forming a pyramid to get the crowd’s attention. Cries of “Come on, crowd -- help us out!!” shouted in unison went roundly ignored. School trainers administered first aid after the game. The cheerleader is currently resting and is expected to make a full recovery. School officials are investigating the crowd’s slow response. --L.K.
Arts MOVIES THAT CHANGED EVERYTHING: HOME ALONE 4 Centuries from now, when future civilizations try to understand the subtleties and nuances of our culture, archaeologists will discover no finer cultural artifact than “Home Alone 4: Taking Back the House.” Based on the story of thrice-abandoned Kevin McCallister, played by the passably adorable Michael Weinberg, this film aims to be a great deal more than a standard made-for-TV movie and thereby succeeds in being one of the best “fourth installments of a trilogy” in recent memory. Director Rod Daniel, who first stormed the TV movie scene in the mid-1990s with iconic treatments such as “Beethoven’s Second” and “Things that Go Bump,” brings to this story a flair for the unbelievable. Known in Latin America as “El Maestro del Realisimo Mágico,” Daniel once again tempts viewers to suspend their disbelief for ninety truly incredible minutes. Unlike its predecessors, this film takes on a Joycean realism from its
onset. Gone are the McCallister family gatherings and lavish Christmas celebrations of the past; this year, the McCallisters are going through a divorce, and the difficult times have cast a shadow over the holiday season. Determined to keep in the Christmas spirit, Kevin - who could not be more than a year older than when we last saw him despite the 10 year gap in production – resorts to watching home videos of McCallister Christmases past, a particularly depressing development since the last two holiday seasons were filled with trauma and near-death experiences. By all rights, the texture of Kevin McCallister’s life should have been brutally coarsened by repeated tragedy and abandonment by the time he endeavors to spring hope into his parents’ failed marriage. But because “Home Alone 4” is self-consciously framed as a contemporary fairy tale cum redemption story, or because Mr. Daniel cannot help but to lean toward the (continued on Page 13)
Michael Weinberg (11) and John Rue (95)
Photo courtesy of M. Weinberg (11)
...wetness is the essence of beauty
Campbell Hall Diving Team Wednesdays during long lunch in the fountain
Arts RECORD NUMBER OF THESPIANS MAKE HEADMASTER’S LIST
The cast of the upcoming musical “NERDS” skipping another lunch to get ahead in class.
After the fall show’s riveting and beautifully done production of Shakespeare’s “Pericles,” Theater Director Josh Adell has taken on a new endeavor. At the urging and support of the faculty, Adell has agreed to produce “NERDS,” the early 20th Century Broadway musical about lovingly brainy high school students who struggled with and overcame distraction and frivolity to become stellar students. On the first day of rehearsal, Adell addressed the cast, explaining the hard work that “NERDS” will require: “Imagine you are a student who is well-rounded, hardworking, and focused. In “NERDS,” I want you to do more than just play nerds. I want you to become nerds.” As is his custom, Adell is pushing the envelope and challenging his actors to dig deeper than ever. Each student’s phone is taken away at the beginning of rehearsal and replaced with a TI-84 calculator; time
is put-aside for meditation and the days usually reserved for vocal practice are now devoted to the study of ancient Greek philosophy and Latin texts. Each student is expected to go home and complete their homework dilligently and in a timely man-
“I want you to do more than just play nerds. I want you to become nerds.” ner. If it’s not past their bedtimes, which are strictly enforced, students are instructed to read a book for pleasure, though it must be at least 200 pages long. Excited by the prospect of stretching their acting abilities, the cast has more than risen to the occasion. Danny Manning, a senior in the cast of “NERDS,” credits the show for his recent string of perfect test scores.
Photo by Lexi Klein (11)
“When I act, I need to immerse myself into the character -- I try to live, eat, breathe, and sleep like them,” said a pensive Manning, struggling to find the right words. “When I found out I was playing Valedictorian Frank Gallagher, I wondered where I’d find my inspiration for the part. Honestly, I was scared.” Manning, who hopes this role will impress college talent scouts, spent time with several high-achieving students to learn their routines and mental approaches at school. “If I want to have a career as an actor,” he explained, “I’ve got to be willing to put in this time and effort and take risks.” While the musical looks promising, the actors are nervous for “hell week.” Unlike past “hell weeks”, when performers excused themselves from work, students are expected to do extra work to supplement their learning in the classroom. --M.F.
Walk With Us CAMELS TO CARRY THE LOAD BACKFIELD, CH – After a number of complaints that the trek from the backfield is too arduous, school officials decided to make camels available to assist students across the football field. “We realize how unfair it is that the students are being forced to park so far away,” said Reverend Julian Bull. “Although the camels don’t necessarily get students to their lockers faster, they can carry heavy bags and make the walk less strenuous.” According to Rev. Bull, the camel proposal was one option selected from several other finalists, including one plan to purchase fifty segways and another to provide valet parking. The camel solution won by a slim 5-4 majority in the December board meetings.
“My bag is worth more than all those camels combined.” “The camels won on the strength of their cost effectiveness, safety, and low carbon footprint,” added Rev. Bull. “In line with our value of diversity, we are pleased to invite these beautiful Middle Eastern creatures to ‘walk with us.’” Students will soon be able to load up camels
Izzy Bugatti (11) is seen walking from the backfield with her camel.
Photo by Lexi Klein (11)
in the morning to make the trek across the football field. Although the service is expected to be widely used, some students say it’s still not enough. “I guess the camels will make the ridiculously long walk easier, but I don’t want my bags smelling like exotic animal throughout the day,” said Lexi Klein (11). “My bag is worth more than all those camels combined.” Overall, students seem satisfied with the new service. -M.H.
NEW FUNDRAISER ANNOUNCED CARSEY GALLERY, CH - With Campbell Hall’s goal of 25 million dollars for the new art building within striking distance, the Office of Advancement will be hosting a day-long cooking fundraiser featuring celebrity chef Bobby Flay. The event, to be called “Wok with Us,” is a family-oriented afternoon of Asian cuisine and charity. “Some might balk at the steep entrance fee,” commented Headmaster Julian Bull, “but keep in mind that, after the session, you’ll have enough chicken stir fry to Wok with Us banners have been posted all around campus. Photo by Lexi Klein (11)
feed a family of four for three straight weeks.” Donations start at $600 to become “an acquaintance” and go up to $20,000 to become a “Ghengis Khan patron,” where benefits include recognition at the event, a picture with Chef Flay, and enough food for a family to enjoy a chow mien dinner every night for up to six months. “We’re not just stir-frying vegetables and chicken,” continued Rev. Bull. “We’re stir-frying our children’s future.” --M.W.
Walk With Us RECORD DONATION SETS OFF PYROTECHNICS IN THE SOUTH WASH
SOUTH WASH, CH - Several students and security guards were injured on Tuesday when pyrotechnics detonated as the fundraising thermometer prematurely reached its peak due to a sudden $5.5 million donation. “It was totally unexpected,” said Reverend Bull. “We didn’t plan to have this much money raised until the spring of 2011.” Students and parents were driving into school when the incident occurred. The security guard shack was the epicenter of the event, receiving the majority of the impact. Six students and two security guards were admitted to the hospital with minor injuries. All are resting comfortably. “All I saw was this bright light coming from the top of the thermometer,” described a visibly shaken Aaron Deane. Parents were outraged that the school thermometer was rigged with pyrotechnics. “I feel awful,” said one parent who did not want to be named. “I gave millions to the
“The next thing I know, fireworks start shooting in all directions and then I wake up in the hospital.”
The sign just days before the accident.
Photo by Lexi Klein (11)
building fund. I feel like I am partially responsible for the injuries.” The Los Angeles Police and Fire Departments have begun investigating the thermometer to see if it violated the fire and safety codes or broke the law in any way. “We bought the fundraising thermometer as a way to make the fundraising seem fun and creative,” said Eileen Wasserman. “We never thought this travesty would happen. May God be with all of those injured during their recovery.” School custodians were seen repainting the sign after school lawyers worked out a settlement with the victims for an estimated $5.5 million. --B.L.
HEROIC CONSTRUCTION WORKERS ABIDE BY TWO-SECOND RULE GROUND ZERO, CH – 18 Matt Construction workers saved a 3rd grader’s life yesterday morning by administering CPR while abiding by the two-second rule. “The two-second rule” is a Matt Construction policy that strictly forbids any of their construction workers from looking at a student for longer than two consecutive seconds. The rule was detailed in a letter sent home to parents at the onset of the construction last summer. As a student climbed one of the fences overlooking the construction project, a high wind came and knocked the fence over, rendering the child unconscious and unable to breathe. Matt Construction workers were the only people on the scene. 18 men rushed over to the child and began administering CPR. They developed a rotation in which, after every two seconds, rescuers rotated in order to obey the rule. A long chain formed to help resuscitate the student. After a few minutes of heavy rotation, the child began breathing again and was rushed to the hospital for further testing.
“It’s really amazing how complete strangers went out of their way to save a child,” said Reverend Bull. “More importantly, they all obeyed the two-second rule.” This event gives the school newfound faith that the construction workers will never break the two-second rule. “We reassure all of our educational clients with the 2 second rule,” said a Matt Construction worker who spoke on condition of anonymity. “Our workers know that eye contact must not last longer than two seconds no matter what the circumstance. We take pride in our workers for following the rules.” Health professionals at the scene were amazed by the construction workers ingenuity in spite of their lack of training. “I’ve never seen such teamwork and such creativity,” said a paramedic. “In a time of such chaos, they banded together and saved a young child’s life. Today is a good example of the kindness and compassion of the human spirit and the staying power of the two-second rule.” --B.L.
HOME ALONE 4 (Continued from Page 8) sanguine, this film turns out to be one of the most upbeat stories about the consequences of chronic parental neglect and abandonment imaginable. Tired of Buzz’s constant bullying, young McCallister runs away from his mother only to find that his father, despite his recent divorce, has made plans to marry a rich, young twenty-something socialite with no redeeming qualities. Understandably shell-shocked by the news, Kevin medicates his anguish with the material and technological mores of the new fiancé’s home. In the first of many allusions to Hemmingway’s Nick Adams, this new Kevin McCallister is incapable of emotion commensurate to his pain. Daniel’s message is subtle, but undoubtedly that there is only so much neglect our young children can take. Kevin’s repressed trauma leads him on a dark descent, culminating in the discovery of a secret liquor cabinet, followed immediately by a hauntingly racy shower montage to the tune of James Brown’s “I Feel Good.” In the hands of a less-experienced director, the scene would be completely
gratuitous; in the hands of Daniel, the scene is as chilling as any horror scene of the last twenty-five years. If Home Alone 4 were a simple face-off between a young adolescent that no adult takes seriously and the most incompetent burglars ever, it would be some desperate producer’s predictable and reprehensible attempt to squeeze the last few dollars out of a long-dead franchise. The film’s final scene confirms our suspicions. After the burglars are caught in the act and arrested, the police immediately flee the scene without recording evidence or questioning witnesses, leaving the reunited McCallisters standing awkwardly in front of Mr. McCallister’s fiancé’s house. The McCallisters, despite witnessing the entire crime, are not asked to play any role in bringing these criminals to justice. This is not poor police work, nor is it an oversight by Daniel; rather, through the thin veil of the Hollywood happy ending, the film’s searing coda is unmistakably the movie’s message fully articulated: these are the most negligent parents in the history of cinema, and it’s time we stopped paying attention to them. -- J.R.
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FOR SALE: Awful sweater
Buyer must have no sense of style and a strong stomach. Willing to pay someone to take it off my hands. 323-804-0129
Greg Romano 5% Matt Romano 95% Matt walked to Physics class in Tom Ford Khaki slacks with neo-grunge Nike outerwear. Greg was seen rocking the same outfit, accessorizing with to-die-for Prada tennis-shoes.
Zack Klein 60% Lexi Klein 40%
Ginger alert! The twins accesorized their D&G denim rompers with MiuMiu stockings & the must-have spring 2011 Timberlands at a special event in LA on Oct. 31.
Valerie Gosch Danny Manning 51% 49%
The actor was seen sporting a karategi inspired Proenza Schouler ensemble. A month later, the actress opted for the same chic outfit at the Teen Vogue Young Hollywood Party.