THE ANCHOR-Diocese of Fall River-Fri.. Aug. 5. 1988
When love isn't enough By Dr. James and Mary Kenny Dear Mary: I am concerned about my older brother. He is soon to be 34, the oldest of four. The other three of us are married with families, and live close to our parents. My brother lives with my parents. He smokes marijuana. He is always drinking beer. Often he is drunk at 1 p.m. And he drinks and drives. My father tells my brother that he's drinking too much and it is upsetting to my mother. My brother cools the drinking down for about two weeks. I want to throw my arms around him and beg him to stop killing himself. I've sent cards telling him he's got to take care of himself. I read about Toughlove. If you use Toughlove on a loved one, will they ever understand you did it for them? And how do we get the courage to do it? - Md. You want your brother to change. Lectures do not work. Your father lectures him. His behavior changes for two weeks. You write notes. No change occurs. The concept of Toughlove might be what your brother needs. Toughlove basically holds that family members who enable others to live a dangerous and destructive lifestyle are not loving. but actually hurtful. Setting limits so that the family member is required to
change destructive behavior is actually loving. Your parents have not indicated that they are willing or able to change their behavior toward your brother. Enlisting your parents' help means you must try to change your parents in order to change your brother. Addictions counselors note that alcohol abusers generally have family members who inadvertently "permit" the abuser to persist in his or her destructive lifestyle by covering for or taking responsibility for the abuser. Such persons are called enablers. In your brother's case your parents'are probably enablers by providing room and board for an irresponsible adult child. However, they must be motivated to change their behavior. Lecturing them will not work any more than lecturing your brother works. That means the only behavior you can change directly is your own. You can stop being an enabler for your brother. Since you are married with family of your own. you have limited impact on your brother's lifestyle and probably limited influence on changing him. Nevertheless. here are some Toughlove-type changes you can make in your relationship with your brother. I. When you know for certain that your brother has been drinking and is driving. call the police. The police may refuse to pick him
up until he has an accident. On the other hand, society's feeling against drunk driving is currently high. and police response is appropriate. If you find it difficult to report your brother. picture him killing your child as he hits him or her while driving and drunk. Then call the police. 2. When you visit your parents' home and your brother is there drunk. refuse to stay. Take your children and go home immediately. Invite your parents to your home, but do not invite your brother unless he is sober. In a family as close as yours, isolation from loved ones might be a deterrent to drinking. 3. Attend AI-Anon meetings to learn more about how families relate to alcoholic members. You can learn more about how to cope with your brother's drinking and get support from others who face similar problems. Your letter shows that you are warm and kind. However. the love and warmth in your family have not helped your brother. Try to get other family members to join you in a Toughlove approach. In any case. try the approach yourself. Your brother's life and future are at stake. Reader questions on family living and child care to be answered in print are invited. Address the Kennys, Box 872, St. Joseph's College, Rensselaer, Ind. 47978.
Feel free to clap enthusiastically By Antoinette Bosco I recently read an article that got my goat. It was titled "At the Theater. Clapping Is Getting Out of Hand." Author Michael Konik began by admitting that "nothing thrills a performing artist more than hearing applause, preferably of the thunderous variety." But although Konik approves of the "genial convention" of clapping at a final curtain call, he believes most clapping and cheering "have become sheer self-indulgence and self-congratulation." "Opera houses," he writes, "are notorious breeding grounds for inappropriate applause. Luciano Pavarotti often elicits three or more minutes of sustained adulation when he sings 'La Donna e Mobile' in 'Rigoletto" " Konik and I must have been born on different planets. One reason I love to go to the opera is the warmth and enthusiasm of the audiences. Few things are more joyful than an audience's "unbridled response" to a beloved star or an exciting performance. Konik's complaint is against what he calls "mindless noisemaking that pretends to honor the performer but is actually a che~p ploy to alert others to the clapper's refined taste." But how else are audiences who have been recipients of a creative gift supposed to express enthusiastic appreciation? The Bible talks about making a "joyful noise" and that is just what spontaneous clapping is: the audience's way of communicating to the performer that it has been touched - right then and there. From the performers' point of view, it is wonderful to know that their gifts have been received and acknowledged. For consider what does attract massive live audiences. Not stuffy
plays with self-controlled audienFurthermore, a performer's gifts ces, that's for sure. Young audien- and talents have been bestowed ces today flock to rock concerts. for sharing. When audiences burst where they scream, dance, jump, . into applause. the performer knows yell and cry - participating to his gift has been received and their hearts' content. reciprocated. We all love to applaud our heKonik's prescription for thearoes. For most kids, that means tergoers eager to break into rock stars. For others, it may be "thoughtless" applause: rub their Pavarotti. Whomever. wherever - aud- hands together or wait and write a iences want to participate in an letter. emotional experience sparked by a Not I! I cheer the clappers. Bravissimo to the joyful noise! live performer.
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"Go ahead and trash it," he said. "but not this." He retrieved a boot tongue green and brittle with age. "This is the remnant oJ my first real hiking boots," he said in a faraway voice. "Do you know how many miles myoid buddy Larry Plugmeyer and I hiked in these?" "Not many, if he was wearing them too," I said sarcastically. I looked into the box. "Memories of your youth? A rusty horseshoe. a dented hubcap, a moldy baseball cap, a cigar box, empty shotgun shells, a ball bearing, a putrid feather....•·· "A putrid feather! That, my dear wife, is the first pheasant I ever hunted." "Why didn't you take a picture of it?" I asked. "Because I shot it in tall grass and when I went to fetch it all that was left was this feather." "How do you know you hit it?" "I knew I had completely obliterated it," he said. "Besides, if I hadn't, it wouldn't be my first pheasant, would it?" I nodded as if that made sense and handed him my work gloves. How can you be ruthless with nostalgia?
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Nostalgia wins out By Hilda Young Inspired by a radio talk show. I decided recently to declutter our lives. We keep entirely too much junk. I started dejunking in the most logical place. the garage. My husband appeared as I was attempting to drag a big box of junk toward the garbage can. "You shouldn't be doing that." he said. "You're right," I puffed. "Here. you drag it out." "I mean, you shouldn't be trying to give that box the heave behind my back. It·s full of special things." "You must be mistaken." I said. "I checked. This puppy is full of rusty, smelly junk." "Ha." he said. pulling out a piece of wood roughly resembling il fist. "And what do you call this?" "Trash," I told him. "This," he said, "is the best buffalo ever carved in Mrs. Bogg's Cub Scout Den No. 43." "Poor Mrs. Boggs," I muttered. "And this?" he challenged, holding up an old canningjar containing some dead bugs. I ignored the obvious and shrugged my shoulders.
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