All That I Am

by Crystal Avilla Axley Award Finalist

Stupid. Lazy. Useless. Those hurtful words swam around in my head like gnats on rotting fruit. Nibbling, chewing. . . swallowing my innocence before I even knew what they meant.

Stupid Lazy

Useless

Is this all that I am? All I am destined to be?

Stumbling my way through life, I grew taller but not wiser. My mind fully encased in the hard shell of lies I believed. I knew only this: I deserved nothing good in life because there was nothing good in me. What was the point of me? Why would something do useless even be created?

My soul was a shriveled, jagged piece of nothing shading everything I touched with the dark shadow of failure. Is this all that I am? All I am destined to be?

Times loses all meaning in the dark. Passing slowly yet quickly. . . and so, so much of it Too much of it.

I spent an eternity slithering through the suffocating black. . . then. . . something strange happened. The first flutter of something came alive within me unrecognizable and alien. I pondered this new thing, like getting to know a stranger. I named this stranger DOUBT, and fed it. . . watching it grow.

Was I really useless? Was I really stupid?

A crack opened in the dry husk of my being allowing me to wonder for the first time if life held more than THIS, even for one such as me. As Doubt grew, I changed his name to CURIOSITY Could I? Should I?

An idea brewed in the miasma of my consciousness. . . An odd, revolutionary, totally outlandish idea. Maybe I could. . . THEN I DID!

CURIOSITY became CONFIDENCE

With fresh eyes I looked around me shocked to see the world had changed when I wasn’t looking. The timeless gloom had been carved away revealing a Disney-hued palette I was unfamiliar with. Is this what others saw?

Those without the raging demons within? It was breathtaking!

I almost giggled the, happiness bubbling forth from some deep place coming home after a long journey though it was a home I had never known before. When the happy glow faded, others stood in the shadowsthe shadows that I knew so well.

I could tell they were each thinking the same thing. . . Is tis what I am? All that I’m destined to be? No!

I reached out my hand again and again

Yanking

Tugging

Pleading

Pulling. . .

Begging

Cajoling. . .

You do not have to stay in that pit that foul place

THIS IS NOT ALL YOU ARE. THIS IS NOT ALL YOU ARE DESTINED TO BE.