HOBOSCOPES

SAGITTARIUS

“NEW YEAR! NEW YOU!” That’s what the gym near my house used to shout at me everytime I drove past. It was a big floppy banner with red and yellow fireworks painted behind the word “NEW.” They went out of business in June. I guess I go on more walks lately. The dog likes it. What’s new for you, Sagittarius? It doesn’t really need to be much. I hope you’re taking care of yourself in whatever way you need. And I hope you know that you’re enough just exactly the way you are. And don’t forget to cancel your gym membership if you don’t go anymore.

CAPRICORN

“8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1!” Nothing like shouting out a countdown while I single-handedly make the eight slices of this frozen pizza disappear. But it feels like somebody else should be here, Capricorn. Like there should be a party and somebody to share all this with. And maybe sometime there will be again. This year we can just countdown the days until we can be together again and think about what we’ve learned over these past months that we can take with us. I learned I should probably stop at five slices.

AQUARIUS

Things were so much easier when you just lived on your hidden island of warrior-women; protected, cared for, never fearing, always training for a battle that you never really thought would arrive. But the outside world always finds its way in, Aquarius. These times have tested every skill you’ve ever learned and taught you more than a few new ones. It’s enough to make an Aquarius jump into her invisible jet, fly away and never return. But cut yourself some slack off that lasso of truth, friend, and give yourself a break if you don’t feel like fighting for everybody else all the time. Maybe just stay home today and fight for yourself.

PISCES

It’s almost a new year, Pisces! Well, for some people, anyway. I mean, China has about 19 percent of the world’s population and they don’t celebrate a new year until Feb. 12. Balinese New Year will be on March 14. And there are about 100 million people in southern India who will celebrate on April 8. I guess what I’m saying is that you can start a new year any day you want, but if you’re looking for a big change, you’re probably going to have to make it yourself.

ARIES

Recently a physicist found evidence that there was a previous universe before this one. A universe that existed and then collapsed before our universe was even born. So if you’re going into this year feeling like it’s all been done before, Aries, you’re right. I can only assume that the previous universe also had a physicist who thought he’d made a huge discovery about an even older universe that came before. The only truly original thing you can do, Aries, is experience your life as yourself and experience it fully. Don’t worry about being the first or the best or the most. Just be you.

TAURUS

They let me be on the basketball team in 7th grade, Taurus. I was short and slow and didn’t really understand the game, but it was a small school and they assumed I would get taller. Every once in a while somebody would throw me the ball. Usually I’d drop it. I think about that this time of year because when we’re all watching the big ball drop and waiting for midnight when everything changes, I find it helpful to remember that not everything does. I’m still short and slow and I don’t understand basketball. But none of that matters to an amateur astrologer. Maybe it’s not you that needs to change in the new year, Taurus. Maybe it’s just your team.

GEMINI

So nobody came by your house with the prize goose this year, huh? Nobody gave you extra days off or doubled your salary? Come to think of it, this all feels like more of the same. Maybe the ghosts forgot to show up and change the hearts and lives of the people in charge. The good news is, we can stop waiting for them. If you need more time or more space or more respect, you may have to go find it. Stop waiting for people who never treat you right to come around. Be the Bob Cratchett you want to see in the world.

CANCER

What were your New Year’s resolutions last year, Cancer? Come on, let me see ‘em. I won’t tell anybody...oh but this is too good. “Travel more. Go to the Gym. Spend more time hanging out with family and friends.” We never really know what’s coming next, Cancer. But I will say you did a great job rolling with the punches this past year. And it’s still hard to predict what kinds of things are coming in the future, but I think you have a great idea of the kind of person you want to be when you get there.

LEO

Nobody in my family ever really watched sports or cared much about holiday TV specials. But every New Year’s morning, we’d wake up and eat waffles and watch the Rose Parade. Flowers glued to flatbeds with a theme. That’s about all the sports we could handle. I think it’s cancelled this year, so if I want to see violets and lilies fastened together in the shape of Buzz Lightyear, I’m gonna have to glue it myself. These are DIY times, Leo. Whatever beauty you’re looking for, you might be the one who needs to make it. Get started. I’ll warm up the waffle iron.

VIRGO

How are you, Virgo? I know you’re always quick to tell folks that you’re better than you deserve, but this might be a good year to rethink that. Sure, it’s great to acknowledge that you’ve been given more than a person could possibly earn. You’ve got a mind and a body. You’ve got people to love and people who love you back. That’s a lot. But I’m afraid your focus on what you don’t “deserve” might be skewing your view of what other people deserve from you. You have a lot to give, Virgo. And when you make the rest of us work so hard for it, you miss out on the opportunity to fully be yourself.

LIBRA

I’ve been looking through all these Best of 2020 lists for albums and movies and TV shows. Turns out people made a lot of great stuff last year. Of course, it mostly just makes me feel old when I get to the top 10 and it’s all stuff I’ve never heard of (Will I understand Dua Lipa if I’ve never heard the first Lipa?). But it made me think I should do my own top 10 list for 2020, Libra, and I just wanted to let you know that you’re on it. I thought you might want to make one, too. Who are the top 10 people you’re most grateful for this year?

SCORPIO

Do you ever get the feeling that you’re not actually in the moment you’re experiencing? Like, maybe you aren’t really reading this right now. Maybe you’re far in the future and you’re just remembering, in great detail, the time when you read this. You’re remembering just what you were wearing then and the temperature and exactly how you felt when you got to the end of this sentence. That seems unlikely. You’re probably actually in the present moment, reading these lines and that’s good news. It’s good news because it means you get to decide what you’ll do next.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a certified financial planner, or a naturalized Themyscirian. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1