Palomar College Volume 29 Number 27 June 11 . 1976 San Marcos 92069
FIRING RANGE FOR AVENGING PEDESTRIANS
Entrances to be exits·
in new parking plan
Traffic coordinator Rex "Wrong Way" Galore has announced a new traffic system, to become effective immediately . Under the new system, all entrances to the campus will become exits. ' When questioned as to the reasons for a new system , "Wrong Way" replied, "Well, we took a survey of the students, and found out that most students were much more interested in getting off campus than in getting on. And since we are always trying to suit the students' wishes, this was the logical system to implement. " Also, the new system is real simple: I mean, no hassles trying to remember which direction the traffic is supposed to go or trying to tell ·a n entrance from an exit." "Wrong Way" was aked how someone would get on campus if necessa ry . " Well, we don't really expect this situation. However, such a person would either have to come over the 'P' mountain to the northeast of campus or fly in by helicopter." "Wrong Way" said another PARK IT - Incredibly complicated map shows you how to get off change will be in effect immediately. campus in practically no time at all. All you have to ~o is follow the From noon until 3 p.m . each school day, when most students are leaving little arrows, then take the San Diego Freeway until you get to the campus, the main hallway (beginNew Jersey offramp. (Map by Michael Hun t) ning near the maintenance building, running past the Industrial Technology department.
lf@@~~w
~@~®rru@®rr TODAY Spider Appreciation Day for the Peter Lorre Fan Club, P-32, noon. MONDAY The Society for the -Prevention of the Heartbreak Due to Psoriasis will hold a slide show· and banquet, pole vault pit, 7 p.m. TUESDAY Cancelled. There will be no Tuesday this week. WEDNESDAY Last day to work out deal with instructors before finals · begin tomorrow. National Earwax Prevention Day. THURSDAY P rocrastination C lub meeting has been rescheduled a gain for next Monday, J u ne 7, 1 p.m . FRIDAY The Telescoop will sponsor guest speaker Dr. Phillpott P. Fenwick, leader of Orthodontists for Jimmy Carter group in area, R-4A , 7 a .m.
Drama Dept.
past the flag pole, and ending at th e tennis courts) will become a one-way road for optional use by exiting motorists. " Wrong Way" warns pedestrians and students in the patio and Physical Educa tion areas to use extreme caution when pedestrianing during these hours . For a look at the changes, see the map on this page if we remembered it. "Wrong Way" wa s aked if there would be any changes in the pa rking program . " Well, we were going to eliminate all parking restriction s so tha t students and faculty could park anywhere they wanted to. •Then we realized that this is a lready the procedure." "Wrong Way" commented- on future changes in the traffic system at Palomar. " Well, as we a ll know, Palomar -g~ts bigger every semester, population-wise, and the probl ems will become greater, tra ffic-wise. In ~rder t · alleviate this , I'm s ure we will need to use every wa lkway a s a n optional motorway during heavy traffic hours. "Also, I see certa in campus facilities eventua lly being used to alleyi'ate traffic problems . F or instance, I tbink we co uld effec tively use· the' ski-run as a kind. of "ju.i nping-off ' place to get motorists off to a fast start. We could set up pit areas in the parki ng lots for q uick service. Not to mention ba nked curves, ch eckered fl ags ... "
Bud brook presents 'Pu"ck' The Palomar Communicable Collage Drama Department will be presenting Ashy Budbrook's I Am a Hockey Puck this week. ' The play is written, produced, directed, and starred in by the multitalented Budbrook. " I think we have a helluva terrific play here," stated Budbrook. "I've never seen such a hard-working cast and crew." Puck is a metaphysical allegory on Watergate, though there are other facets to the play. It may also be viewed as a tender look at the used car business as seen through the eyes of a boy and his dog. The play opens in a Chrysler factory. The boss of the auto workers, Mark E . DeSodd, lays off all employees who are even remotely involved with hubcaps. This includes our young lovers, Tom Turkey and Hedda Gobbler, who wind up on the street selling tickets to the New York World's Fair. They soon ~iscover that the New York World's Fair was over years ago and, dejected, move to Hollywood. Tom decides to gamble everything and go on the Let's Make A Deal
show dressed as a hockey puck. He Tickets for this ' week's perforwins the big deal , which unfor- mance go for the ridiculously low tunately for him is a full-size hockey price of $3.50. Friends of the director arena. However, he converts the and friendly drama critics are, of arena into a hotel for Eskimoes. The course, invited to sneak in through scheme works, because all the rooms the back door. are rented for six months at a time. - --- -- - ~ The, tragedy strikes. The IRS puts Tom in jail for claiming his 711 refrigerator as a business deduction. E'mile Zola (played by Paul Muni) makes a fiery, passionate speech in his defense. The plan fails when it is discovered that Zola has been dead i for well over forty years. With all hope lost, Tom considers suicide. But at the last minute, the Seventh Cavalry rides in to the rescue and everybody lives happily ever after, with the possible exception of Gregor Samsa, an exter~inator who has hay fever. The cast includes Budbrook as Tom, Budbrook (again) as DeSodd, Budbrook (you guessed) as Hedda, and, in a special appearance, Jean HOCKEY PUCK! Shown Paul Sartre as Monty HalL above (L to R) is Palomar Drama Budbrook, who directs all Palomar productions, has played lead Instructor Ashy Budbrook in a roles in The Lion in Winter, Street- poignant scene from his play, I Am a Hockey Puck. car Named Desire, and Heidi.
I
Broads stay home A woman's place is in the home. The Telescoop has finally decided to take a stand on the Women's Liberation issue, and that's it . . We hear you asking, "How can you, a college newspaper, take such an outdated, sexist stand on such an important issue?" Here's the answer: Because Bohle said we could (He's our advisor. He lets us do anything we want). Now we hear you asking one another, "But don't you have women on the staff?" We have two answers to that one: 1. Somebody has to do all the typing, and 2. They're in the kitchen making cookies. Seriously, though, we tend to treat everybody (even women) with equal respect. When our people (chicks included) tum in good work, we give suitable rewards. Like bubble gum. All those myths we've heard for years about women are absolutely true. · Women do ·have natural rhythm, particularly if they're jazz musicians. They shuffle a lot. If you were coming out of Alpha Beta with a couple arms-ful of groceries for the man of the house, you'd shuffle, too. If there are any women reading this, why don't you go to Cosmopolitan where you belong? Seriously, we love you, girls. We'll let you read if you don't make any noise. Sorry, dears, this editorial is almost over. To sum it all up, The Telescoop says, "Some of our best friends are women, but we wouldn't want our sister to marry one."
The Telescoop Opinion expressed above is that of a depraved gBB station attendant who thinks he is a Hershey bar. Opinions expressed by any other writer in this rag are definitely suspect and a breath test will be administered on request. Letters to the editor will be laughed at by the entire staff and subjected to humiliating criticism and editing before printing. This edition of TM Telescoop is printed by, for, and about the Amalgamated Students, but has no relative connection with anything in the lmown world, much less Palomar College. Advertising (and more) ia solicited in R-4A or call (612) 856-3452. Since that is an all·night.donut shop in Des Moines, Ia., then call us (our number ia unlisted).
Editor ...............• . ..... . . ... •.. . . . ........ . Warren Peace News Editor .........• . ......... .. . .... . ... . ....... Clark Kent Featuree E<i.itor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . Sharon Sharalike Sports Editor ................. •.. .. . . . ... . . .... Jock E. Shortz Circulation Editor ........... •. . .... .. .. . .... .. . . Bela Lugosi Police Funeral. Editor ... ...• . .. ... . . . •. .. . ... Paddy Hearse Telephoto Lena Editor .......... ..... . ... .. .... Binaca Luhrs StaffWriten . . . .... . ....... . ........... . ......... Justin Time Jimmy Olsen, King Kong, Wile E. Coyote, Grantland Wheat, Firewall Kelp, Itsa Boore, Weir N. Saine, D.B. Cooper Staff Photographers ... . . . .. ..... (names withheld on request) J ollrllBlialli AdviMr. . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . n .a . Photo AdYiaer .......... ....•..... ...... .. .. F. Stop Fitzgerald Graphioa Arta Advi8er .. . ..••. . .....••........... Pike A. Pole
Adviser reveals all about the 'real' Telescope staff Call me Ishmael. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Once upon a time and a very good time it was there was a moocow ... I never was very good at beginnings, so just pick the one you like the best and consider it the beginning of this piece. Mter spending this spring semester as the sabbatical replacement for Fred Wilhelm and as the adviser for The Telescope, I could very easily answer to Ishmael. I might even answer to Bill. Or Sally. For those of you who have never experienced the thrill of a Thursday afternoon spent pasting up the newspaper in R1, allow me to lift the veil of mystery a bit. First we had an editor (who will remain nameless) whose idea of putting in an afternoon's work was to walk around rather clumsily while spouting off atrocious puns (e.g., Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?). His biggest contribution on Thursdays was to say, "Oops" whenever I asked why something hadn't been done. His stock answer after the "Oops" was : "Yeah, but don't worry, I'll get it done right now." His entire life is on tape delay. He was either on Rocky Mountain time or last year's calendar. Right about the time I would herd the crew around the paste-up tables and gently prod them to work with my razor-edged pice pole, a loud scream would emit from the comer occupied by Letty, the typesetter. "I DON'T BEUEVE IT!" Mter the convulsive sobbing stopped, she would show me the sports editor's latest masterpiece.
Now I don't want to say that he could not spell, but when I saw his first story back in February, I thought it was in a secret code. I had to call in the CIA, but even they couldn't crack it. His idea of spelling was to just throw in the right letters and then let the reader put those letters together to form a world. "THe L apormar Comet'ss umed a stop on the Mssioiso Cnfrnce" is oneofhis more readable sentences. Now in the background of this chaos, imagine if you will, dear reader, about three or four tape recorders blasting out a 1 7/ 8 ips (inches per second) tape at about 30 ips. You can imagine that ·high-pitched, mostly unintelligible squeal droning on at a frequencey only a tad below what could crack the windows. Even on a Memorex tape. That was the rather talkative features editor entertaining the circulation manager, or another female staffer, or a pencil, or the wall, or the air, etc., etc. I wouldn't have minded if the work had been done, but the bare paste-up lay at her side, virgin territory untouched, although she had been sitting next to it for an hour. She talked so much that one day we had an editorial meeting out on the lawn and her tongue got sun burned. The only quiet Thursday we had this semester was when she was absent with a sprained tongue from trying to talk to too many people at once. Then there was the news editor. The guy with his finger on the pulse of the campus, right? Not a chance. This guy was taking 21 units and working 55-60 hours a week. He was lucky he knew what day it was
much less what was happening. But Imustadmit,hegotitall done when the rest of the staff decided they all had dentist appointments, their grandmother had died or their car was double parked. No matter that the paper wasn't anywhere near done when they felt like leaving; the staffers would pick out one of the above excuses (or sometimes all of them) and leave it to the news editor and me. Finally about 6 p.m., the twohour task that the staff had begun at noon could be wrapped up. By this time Letty (the typesetter) would be babbling incoherently at her machine, and the editor, who normally babbled incoherently, would be beginningtomake sense. It was definitely quitting time when that happened. The worst of times? No, not hardly. The best of times? Not exactly that either. But it has ended as a profitable - and enjoyable one for me and I hope for the staff as well. Now about that moocow and that once about a time opener of mine. Oh, well. I never was very good at endings either.
xor.owo CMeeTCft
Tot; KTC cwerc~
noCAt!4H J!tlti
Palomar forms noseflute group The Palomar music department announced recently the formation of San Diego County's first noseflute ensemble. The noseflute, used by wandering minstrels in the middle ages, has had many pieces written specifically for it, but the instrument has fallen into obscurity in recent years. "The noseflute is probably one of the most versatile instruments," said Fred Nasal, new music teacher. "IngmarSchwartz's Symphony inC minor, opus 347 is probably the best known piece using a noseflute as its solo instrument."
TELESCOOP STAFF MUGGERS - Pictured above or below depending how the idiot pasted up this page and pictured left to right depending on whether the printer got the neg in backwards or not are: Anita Bryant, Snoopy, The Planter's Peanut man, Eliot Ness, the Loch Ness monster, a
The tonal nuances ofthenoseflute are tremendous. Ranging from middle C toE thrice above, the treble is truly its home, but with practice and a special tenor noseflute from the Nestle's Crunch bar, Sky King, Clarabelle, 13th century, deep basses can be Manners the butler and Gene Sager doing his achieved.
famed impression of a canned ham. The clown The ensemble's first concert next asleep in the rear is the ill-advised adviser of this year will be late September, barring rag; he is always asleep -that's how we got this hay fever problems. issue past him.
Learn to write good Palomar College English instructor, KenMcBormick, of San Mucous, Cauliflauer, is looking for people who want to learn to write good. "The problem here," states McBormick, "is that everybody and his brother is illiterate. Even you." To combat the problem, McBormick and fellow colleague Sal Minestrone, are starting a class for illiterates just out of high school. The class is Your Friend the Participle: How It Can Work for You. The goal of the class, says McBormick, "is to provide a creative command of the English language, with all its nuances, textures and colors, and if that fails, at least to provide students with ways to order snails in certain restaurants." If students can't even do that, McBormick has other suggestions, such as Palomar's Remedial Spelling class, in which the student is encouraged to cheat on his urine test, which is administered upon entering the Army. McBormick was asked how this could be done. "Do it the way I did," he said. "Just copy off somebody else's paper." If, however, the student advances, he will be invited to take other courses offered by the English Department. Among these are:
***
Major American Novelists. Course taught by McBormick. Lectures consist of thrilling insights into the human condition, coupled with McBormick's hilarious impression of Ernest Hemingway shooting a matador.
***
Major English Novelists. Course also taught by McBormick. Lectures consist of thrilling insights into the human condition, coupled with McBormick's hilarious impres-
sion of James Joyce shooting Ernest Hemingway.
***
Major Irish Novelists. Yes, course taught by McBormick. Lectures consist of thrilling insights into the human condition, coupled with McBormick's hilarious impression of Brendan Behan shooting a bartender.
***
Major Neurotic Novelists. Course taught by you know who excuse me- whom. Lectures consist of thrilling insights into the human condition, coupled with McBormick's hilarious impression of Samuel Taylor Coleridge shooting up.
***
All students who are at least semiliterate are invited to take these courses. But they must pass a short quiz (administered by McBormick) which is here reproduced for your use. (Don't say we never did anything for you, ingrate): TRUE/ FALSE: 1. You wish this was am ultiple choice test, don't you, stupid? Well, it isn't. That's tough. 2. James Joyce was originally an encyclopedia salesman. 3. Dante was originally Episcopalian. 4. The Pope is a Catholic. 5. So am I, stupid. 6. Oh, yeah? 7. Yeah. You and whom else? 8. Me, that's me and whom else. ESSAY QUESTION: 1. Write a sort analysis of the symbolism as used in Thomas Hardy's classic novel Return of the Encyclopedia Salesman. What symbolism? Don't ask me, I only teach here. 9. If you're dumb enough to take this test, you're good enough to take my class. Now give me the paper. Go to the back of the room and pretend you're a bobolink. '
HEY! WHASSAMATTAYOU!- Shown above is Palomar's new Financial Aids Director Don Vito Philpott. Philpott received his degree in Business Administration at Las Vegas University. His hobbies include cooking (spaghetti is his specialty), closing curtains, playing the violin, and mumbling.
(Photo by the late Joe "Shark" Santini)
_J)k~~~-~
~~~~ ¡ Every MAN who would k now th e GRA N D TRUTHS, th e P lain F acts, tbe
Old Secre ts and t he Ne w DiscoVer ies of Medical Science ns n ppllet1 to M arried Ltfe, Rb ould wrtte for our wouderf"ul little bonk . called ''A 'l'RE Arr iSE F OH. MEN ONLY." T o a.ny en. r negt mn n we will m ntl one cop y Eatl rely Fre e, in p laiu sealed cove r ... A re f uJ(e !'rom the quacks."
THE ERIE MEDICAL CO., BUFFALO, N.Y.
Comet 9 receive Scholls'
award for fielding prowess The Palomar baseball team has recently been awarded the 1976 Dr. Scholl's trophy for excellence in kicking the ball.
Fungus strikes local netters; forfeit match Pa loma r's Tennis T eam was fow ed to forfeit a recent match with Ch a ffey due to a n infectious disease affecting the squad. , Coach Mike Currant reported to The Telescuup news staff that 12 of his 1:3 pl a yers ha ve been affected by the dreaded scum : Athlete' s Foot. T he lone healthy pl ayer, Serge Hackhande, sa id he was immune to th e si ckness beca use, " I don 't ta ke showers a fter practice."
Archery mishap hospitalizes official Tra gedy struck a recent Palorqar archery meet when the meetoffic1al, John Smith , wa s shot ·in the posterior by a n errant Scott Sage a rrow. Palo ma r coach Mildred Hayers exp lai ned th at Sage was attempting a " Willi a m T ell " type maneuver by s hooting a n a pple off th e head of Palom a r ma na ger, Bullseye Bowman . Sage sa id la ter that his shot was taken off target by a s udden gust of wind a nd wa s directed at Smith . S mi th, was reported in fair condition a t P a loma r Memorial hospital, where he stat-ed, " It looks like I'm going to be d o:ingla lot of standing in the next.two w.e eks."
The trophy is plywood covered with imitation imitation leather with two golden baseball shoes on top. The laces of the shoes are tied together. The Comets barely edged the Los Angeles Aztecs professional soccer team. " This is a great honor," a team spokesman said. "We worked very hard for this trophy. It was a team effort." The Comet infield, which was last year's outfield, sported a stunning .453 average this year. The only problem is that that figure represents the Comet fielding percentage and not the batting. During one particularly podiatric 14-12 loss , it was mentioned by the opposing coach that it looked like the Comet soccer team on the field. Rumors. have it that this year's freshman soccer players will definitely compose next year's infield. The outfielders will be composed of some members from the yoga class and the battery will be a ha mster and a tunafish sandwich. In addition to the Dr. Scholl's trophy, The Telescoop has learned from a highly unreliable source close to the company that Spalding is planning a new line of gloves and shoes named after the Comets. The shoe, which will be blush-red with white felt letters spelling out " Oops!" on both · sides, has a squa red-off toe, much like the one used by football place kickers . The glove, which will also be blush-red with white silk-screened letters spelling out " In here dummy" in the pocket, will have no webbing between the thumb and first finger. Spalding's spokesman denied that they were contemplating a balsa-wood "Comet" model bat.
LOOK MA! NO-GOOD HANDS- A member of next year's Comet baseball team, Weak Ankles Wilburforce demonstrates a new warmup ritual. From now on for double plays, the shortstop will somehow stop the ball with the peach crate he will now carry, tee the ball up, and kick it to the second baseman. He will catch the ba ll delicately in his mouth and then spit the ball to first. You guessed it, Snoopy h a s signed up for next year's Comet kickers- er, baseballers. Pele has also expressed an interest, but no contract arrangements have been met.
Fouline cops Morris Award for pt. scoring Fred Fouline received the Doug Morris Award at the Palomar College Basketball awards banquet held at Taco Bell in Vista last Thursday evening. Fouline, 11th man on a 12-man squad, received the Morris Award for dedication and academic prowess shown in the past season. Morris, a star for the Comets in '73-'74, paved the way for dedicated athletes to show their talents under head-coach Randy Baldmore. He flunked out in spring 1974. Morris was famous in Palomar sports history for scoring more points for the opposition than a ll players combined in the school's 13 year history. Morris scored 26 points in the opponents basket as compared to 20 points for all players in the school's existence. Morris commented at the conclusion of the banquet that, "I just like to score. I don't care what basket they go in."
Palomar student arrested ·at zoo for feeding terns Palomar student Harry Moss has been recently released from the San Diego jail after being arrested for slipping marijuana seeds into the food for the arctic terns, very large rare birds at the San Diego Zoo. SKELETON DEFENSE - The Palomar College defense backfield and Asked why he did it, Moss replied: displays their new uniforms for next season that head coach Red "Well, I just wanted to leave no tern Dog hopes will intimidate their opponents into mistakes. unstoned. " , (Photo by Pole Aroid)
The following want ads ha ve been reproduced from the Kansas City Tim es of Monday, May 2, 1892 with out commen t fo r your information .
Clairvoyants Mme Mack of Chicago gives magnetic ma ssage treatments, electric, steam and a lcoholic baths by n ew method. 204 E. 6th St. Mrs . Duke gives magnetic a nd massage treatments. Call 420 E. St.
Partners Wanted P artner wa nted - fo r fi xing up a health resort at an artesian minera l s pring th a t cures diseases when doctors with drugs a nd medicines h ave fai led. Wm. Blaring, Ma nhattan, Ka n.
Personal A sprite widow lady of36 years, in business in the city desires the acquru ntan ce of a nice gentlema n , age between 40 an d 47; none but a man that can a ppreciate a true woma n need a nswer. Address H6, The Tim es. Persona l - Free tria l bottle - We h ave the only known remedy that will cure Syphilis in an y stage and we are the first a nd only firm in America that offers free tria l medicine for this disease. Vegetable remedy. Send for circular. Men tion t his pa per. Strictly confidentia l. N ew Life Medicine Compa ny , 11 15 Mrun St. Kansas City, Mo. Wa nted - Employment to write essays, lectures or sermons, or revise a ny kind of literacy work; perfectly com petent. All communications confidential. Address L L B, 816 Grove. Married ladies pi n their faith to our in fallible secret; once kn own a lways relied on ; price $1; sealed particulars 10 cen ts. Ladies E mporium , Kansas City, Mo.
Wanted- Male Help Trades Wa nted - First class barber ; steady work and good wages. Address L.C. Snell, Sedalia , Mo. Wa nted - At once, twenty-five h arness ma kers on buggy and team work; good wages a nd steady work the year around. For pa rticulars a ddress The Kon a ntz Saddlery Compan y, 354 Sibley St ., St. P aul , Minn. Wanted- All h arness ma kers to s tay a way from Cincinnatti and Peoria, Ill. By order of Union No. 16, Kansas City, Mo.