14 minute read
Screens: Why Do They Have the Appeal They Have?
Dr. Kathy Koch
Children have needs. You know that. It’s why they cry, fuss, throw fits, and can be demanding. It’s also why they’re motivated by some things and not others. This includes technology.
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Third-culture kids (TCKs) use technology for schooling. Like students in their passport culture, for some TCKs, schools have closed in-person learning and are now doing everything online. For others it has been their only educational option given where they are serving. As MKs have suddenly left the country where they have grown up, technology has become a lifeline to friends who are scattered around the globe. In addition, many have left without the opportunity to say meaningful goodbyes or had friends leave without any closure.
All of the unexpected changes and transitions have produced enormous grief and life has felt out of control. They’ve lost the people with whom they would normally process their grief and have turned to their screens to connect. In this COVID era, children, especially teens, may feel the need for technology more acutely, may be spending far more time online, and their dependency on their screens may be growing. It is important that we think through the role of technology in their lives and examine its appeal.
What if I suggested that the needs causing children to choose technology aren’t satisfied by technology? Is it possible that it’s the exact opposite? Might technology be making their needs even more significant? More controlling? More unmet? Yes. As a result, almost out of desperation, children use technology more and more. Could this be relevant to adults, too? Yes.
Let me explain by sharing the lies I believe technology teaches our children. I could keep mentioning adults in this article as I did above. I won’t, but do realize that if we’re not careful, what I write about here can happen to anyone of any age. Because children’s brains aren’t fully developed and their character isn’t as mature as ours hopefully is, they are usually affected more by technology’s influence.
People assume tech addiction is caused by technology’s influence on brain development. There’s certainly truth to that. What children experience often, they want to keep experiencing because of how neurons connect. However, I believe the changes to the heart are more controlling. This is why we must stay alert. We must parent strong and long!
Lie #1: I am the Center of My Own Universe
Many children today are lonely. This was true before the Covid-19 virus caused us to socially distance from others and stay home more. It might be more true today. Then, for TCKs, separation and loneliness can be increased because of relocating frequently, language barriers, differ-ent values from those in their communities, busy schedules, and more.
Because children are lonely, they may turn to their devices for connections, using social media, gaming, and any number of apps that make them feel connected. Two things may happen. They’ll have less time for true connections even with their families, and they’ll need to use technology more to feed the lie. Why?
The “like” factor of social media can make children feel like they rule the world. Also, they check to see who’s calling before answering their phone, and they can buy just one song instead of an entire album, watch what they want on their own handheld device, and correct and edit pictures they take, including selfies, to create their own version of the world.
What’s the big deal? These behaviors increase their loneliness, the very need they’re trying to meet with their technology. If children believe they’re the center of the universe, they don’t need anyone. Or maybe it’s more accurate to say they only need people to serve them and acknowledge they’re the center. It’s hard for peers to do this because so many of them believe they’re the center of their own universe. So, using technology because they’re lonely can actually increase their loneliness and make it harder for them to connect.
More importantly, this lie is an affront to God. He is the center of the universe! Our behavior must lineup with this truth. If we act like we or our family or ministry are the center, our admonitions about their pride, entitlement, and selfishness will fall on deaf ears. We can provide evidence from Scripture and our observations of how the world works—that God is the center.
We must teach and reinforce that all people have value, and no one is more important than anyone else. We can help our children stay connected to people living in one place while they make new friendships in a new location without allowing them to believe the world revolves around them.
We must call self-centeredness sin and teach children how to be other-centered. Helping them serve others helps with many aspects of this lie. Telling them to put their devices down may not work. Getting out of the house to meet other people’s needs might. Many families are already good at this. Tell children one reason you serve is to reorient them to truth you’ve taught. We must put God and His people first. You will not let technology rob them of their joy or purpose.
Lie #2: I Deserve to be Happy All the Time
Depression and anxiety are common today—too common. It makes sense that our children want to avoid these feelings. Therefore, they prioritize happiness and turn to their tools, toys, and technology because it’s proven to meet this need. Or does it?
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want children to be unhappy. They just need to understand that happiness isn’t guaranteed. It’s based on happenings they can’t control. It’s fleeting and doesn’t truly meet legitimate needs.
Technology teaches children that everything can be easy, and they can always get a higher score on a game if they play long enough. They can have what they want now; it’s new, they can personalize it, and it’s entertaining. It all allows them to avoid boredom. The “like” factor from social media that feeds much of their belief they’re the center of their own universe also feeds this lie—many regularly check on the number of their likes and followers and use the numbers and comments to keep them happy.
The isolation that comes with too much technology use can cause depression. So, children turn back to their tools. Also, because the world doesn’t work like technology, they can be angry, demanding, and miserable. Not everything is fun, about them, and easy. They can be angry with themselves and others. I tell children all the time that it’s not their parents’ job to make them or keep them happy.
We must prioritize joy over happiness, contentment over entitlement, and effort over laziness. We can model and teach the difference between wanting something and needing something so they learn to wait. We can be present and listen longer to help them process the negative feelings they’re trying to avoid. We can model our dependence on God and cultivate thankfulness and joy. If they don’t learn to understand that life is different from technology, a mental health crisis can be right around the corner.
If your children are demanding, complaining, and arguing, you’re not alone. If you see them running from grief, fear, unhappiness, dissatisfaction, and loss, you’re not alone. Talk with them about this lie and how it’s controlling their choices and their reactions. Stand up for yourselves and explain that you don’t work like their technology. Be strong! We need to teach truth about what to expect from the world and we need to be able to handle their anger toward us. If we give in and do what they want, we’re no different from an app on their phone they control. We won’t be helping them live healthy and mature lives.
Lie #3: I Must Have Choices
When I teach parents about these technology lies, I introduce this lie by reminding the moms they are not short-order cafeteria cooks. They’re not paid and there’s no menu on the wall. If they planned to serve spaghetti, they don’t need to make anything else. Children can eat it or go to bed hungry. They laugh and often clap. I don’t think they’re clapping for me. I think they’re clapping for themselves because they want the courage to say “no” to their children.
I understand why children want choice. It allows them to stay happy and feel like they’re the center of the universe. Also, because of drop-down menus and the large number of apps, websites, television channels, movies, songs, and other things available, children think choice is their right. We who are older usually understand that choice is a privilege.
Are your children more demanding than you ever pictured them being? If they’re hard to satisfy, pushing back against your expectations and policies, and doing their own thing far too often, this lie is at least partly responsible. This is another motivation to get them to put their devices down.
We can provide choices when we can, but let’s hold our ground when it’s not best or convenient. Let’s also model and explain better standards than happiness, especially when making important decisions. Think about your standards. How do you choose what to believe, how to behave, and what to do? Teach those standards, how to make decisions, and how to handle consequences well when they make unwise choices. If children don’t learn from their mistakes or immature decisions because we protect them from feeling any “pain, ” they won’t mature and grow in appropriate independence.
Lie #4: I am My Own Authority
There are many reasons children believe they don’t need anyone, and they can be their own authority. Their devices connect them to information and answers. Rather than looking for parents to talk with or asking teachers questions the next time they’re in school, they can “google it. ” Websites with search engines and apps quickly offer information.
We can look up the weather, hours when stores are open, check restaurant menus, and get directions, definitions, and answers to math problems all with a few clicks. We can ask Siri all types of questions. We all benefit from these fabulous conveniences. Unfortunately, though, children can get the wrong idea that they don’t need anyone. And it’s another reason they look addicted to tech and may be. They want and need their devices nearby.
There are additional reasons children believe this lie. For example, there is no clear standard of right and wrong in our culture. Many authority figures from government, schools, and the church have failed us. Television shows and movies often have no authority figures in them, or the authority figures are shown as out-of-touch and clueless. This is especially true for traditional family authority figures like dads. Therefore, our children may develop the attitude of “I know as much as other people. I can’t trust them to be right. I might as well be in charge. ”
This is dangerous for all children and certainly for those in new cultures. They truly may not understand enough about the culture, language, money, transportation, authority systems, and the like. Being totally independent isn’t wise. A healthy interdependence is.
Do you see how the lies feed each other? Children who think they’re their own authority can act like they’re the center of their own universe. They don’t need others. They stay happy by determining their own version of what’s best and by rejecting leaders and others with information they disagree with. They make choices that will allow them to be their own authority.
When we’re available and fully present to our children, they are more able to come to us for answers and insights. We have more hope of influencing their beliefs. Do they see us being teachable? How do we handle it when we don’t know something? When they see us turn to God’s Word, pray, wait for answers, and prioritize church and our relationships with spiritual leaders, they may want to do the same.
Lie #5: Information is All I Need So I Don't Need Teachers
While watching a movie with my nieces and nephew, I verbalized a question on my mind about one of the stars. Before I knew it, two of them had the answer. They had used Google or Siri. Children are very used to having information at their fingertips. This also explains children’s desire to have their phone with them at all times. It also unpacks the authority lie further.
Adults know wisdom matters more than information. It’s why we crave more than the data available from Siri and even a search from a website. It’s why we want and need authority and teachers. On our own we can’t know enough.
We’ve also lived long enough to believe more easily than young people that God is wise and His ways are worth searching out. We want to be taught by Him and we want more of what He offers.
Children aren’t satisfied by information only because it’s easily accessible. They may conclude it’s all that’s necessary because they’re tested often in school and many assignments also stress rote learning and not the application of ideas and wisdom. It’s understandable that they think they can find what they need on their own.
Along with the other lies, this explains the school and church dropout rate, rebellion, lack of teachability, and how easily some young people get into trouble because they make foolish decisions. Children and young adults who turn their back on God after having earlier declared belief, love, and commitment may also have succumbed to this lie.
Everyone can have information that might look equally good and convincing. Without teachers teaching, children will be at a loss. They need standards to use when choosing what to believe and act upon. However, which authority will they believe? What if they don’t choose an idea and that makes someone unhappy? What if ideas limit their choices? If I choose to believe “this” than I can’t believe “that. ” See? The lies are enmeshed. Again, it’s why children say they need their phone and time on devices. Changes in their behavior may not come easily, but with the right ideas implemented, change will occur.
Conclusion
I pray that understanding these lies has helped you understand why children feel they must have their devices nearby and on. Because we must care about their hearts and their character, we must do the hard work of teaching and reinforcing boundaries.
Talk with your children. Show them the connection between these lies and their attitudes. When I teach preteens, teens, and young adults about these lies, many are very grateful. They sincerely tell me that they don’t want to argue (so often) with their parents. They don’t want to be demanding and complaining. They didn’t connect their behavior and choices to their use of technology. They understand it when I explain it.
The good news is that when we help children reject even one lie and embrace truth of even one lie, changes can be quickly obvious across other lies. Start somewhere and expect and watch for growth.
About Author Dr. Kathy Koch
Dr. Kathy Koch (“cook”), is the founder and president of Celebrate Kids, Inc., based in Fort Worth, Texas. She has influenced thousands of parents, teachers, children, and teens in 30 countries through keynote messages, seminars, chapels, banquet talks, and other events. She is a regular speaker for Summit Ministries, Axis, Care Net, and many homeschool conventions. She also speaks for other organizations, churches, schools, and pregnancy resource centers. She is also a popular guest on Focus on the Family radio, was featured as the technology expert in Kirk Cameron’s movie, Connect: Real Help for Parenting Kids in a Social Media World. She has written and published five books with Moody Publishers, including Five to Thrive, Start with the Heart, Screens and Teens, 8 Great Smarts, and No More Perfect Kids. Dr. Kathy earned a Ph.D. in reading and educational psychology from Purdue University.
