Ask Anu Advice

Anu is a Clevelander living in New York and a graduate of New York University with a Bachelor of Arts in Politics and Economics, and a Minor in Film Production. She has worked for organizations such as Environment New York, Hillary for America, Alissa Neil PR, Broadway Video, Care in action, and the National Domestic Workers Alliance. She’s been previously published in Brown Girl Magazine, Burnt Roti, and Washington Square News. When not writing, she can be found watching stand up specials and pretending to be a fan of the Cavs. Follow Anu at: @anubhuti_kumar

When starting a new relationship, what should you look out for? (good things to take note of and bad things to stay away from)

When it comes to big questions, I think the best thing we can do for ourselves and to find answers is break it down into smaller, more manageable questions, rather than paralyzing ourselves with nebulouslessness! First, let’s start with the fact that we need to evaluate a potential partner for ourselves. Start by making a list of things that are important to you. Is it that they text back in a timely manner? Is it that they take the initiative to make plans, and plan dates? Do they ask you about yourself? Decide what’s most important to you, and decide if they fulfill those things.

Next, and not to be cliché, but take it to the board of directors aka the group chat. Sometimes we can be in a lavender haze and not see some glaring issues. Good friends will point that out, and that is why we need them in our lives, always. Good friends will ask you the hard questions you might try to gloss over, and they will celebrate with you when they know you’ve found true love (and help you make sure you don’t inadvertently mess it up)!

Also, think about your deal breakers. You don’t want to be Ted Moseby and get the ick over, like, loud chewing, but do decide before you get too invested what the things are that you absolutely cannot tolerate. Will they only go out for drinks, but you want to do fun daytime activities? Has it been months and you have yet to meet any of their friends? Will he never let you control the remote or complain about your choices?

Be clear about your boundaries and once you are, don’t make them a shifting goal post to accommodate a new lover. If they like/love you and you’re communicating your needs clearly, they should be making an effort to meet you where you are. If not, it’s not you, it’s them.

How do you find balance between prioritizing yourself vs your partner?

OK, this is a great question and I’m not sure anyone hits the right balance all the time! That being said, no one wants to be early years Ann from Parks & Rec or the little sister in 27 Dresses. In an effort to be healthy, 21st century partners, let’s keep these two things in mind:

1. Sometimes you’ll have three weeks solid of plans with your partner. Maybe they’ll have family visiting, maybe their friends are getting married, maybe you have a trip planned. It’s ok to spend the majority of your time on these things for them because you know they’ll do the reverse.

2. You need time to rest and recharge, and any good partner and friend will understand that and give you grace. It’s a big and overwhelming endeavor to try and stay balanced and keep up with everyone and everything all the time, so the best thing you can do for yourself is break it down into some very tacklable goals. Here’s some examples to start:

1. Make an effort to set aside 1-2 nights every week to see your friends, on your own, without your partner. Maybe make it a set day every week, so you preempt weekly scheduling issues!

2. Take a minute each day to check in with a different friend. Stay up to date on each other’s lives so you have topics to discuss and follow up on when you see each other!

3. Check in with your partner every few months to see how they feel about how much space they feel like they can take for themselves, and share how you feel. Then make a plan to give each other the alone time and emotional support you each need.

Searching for a cute anniversary date night idea, thoughts?

So! Many! Let’s make a list:

1. A boat ride! Imagine floating around the Hudson River, at sunset, in a sailboat. Just a hint of danger being so close to the water and the risk of you or your phone falling in, wine in hand, snuggled with your cutie!

2. A comedy show. Ok, I know comedy can be hit or miss, but either way, you’ll have a lot to talk about at dinner after.

3. An unlikely but still valid romantic, dramedy? Karate Kid. In the vein of 80’s puppy love romance, take your love to mini golf! The light competition, the complicated courses to strategize around, and the victory celebrations are sure to bring the two of you a lot of joy!

4. Take your partner to a diner to share a milkshake! Everyone loves some old-timey, Archie (not Riverdale)-style wholesome dates.

5. Karaoke. By the time you’re hitting an anniversary, you’re probably not afraid to be embarrassed around each other, and a Katherine Heigl-James Mardsen “Bennie and the Jets” moment is DUE.

How to hint that you’re feeling left out with your colleagues at work and what to do about it without starting drama?

This can be so hard, particularly in a COVID-ridden world where 1) there is often no office, 2) even if there is an office, some coworkers are often hybrid or completely remote, and 3) people are burned out! Socializing can feel like a lot when we’ve gone through some incredibly hard collective trauma, and consequently are overworked, reevaluating our priorities, and physically more tired after slowing down considerably for over two years.

Now that we’ve set the scene with some context and level setting, let’s focus on solutions. First, I think it’s important to adjust our mindsets and approach these situations with grace for our coworkers and assume they are also showing up with the best intentions. They probably aren’t excluding you on purpose (maybe they are, and that’s an unprofessional situation which you probably want to stay away from and find another crew!), maybe they don’t know that you want to be a part of their social group, or they have a long standing rapport and are unaware how that comes off to others.

Second, let’s talk about what you can actively do to change this! The goal would be to build a rapport with your coworkers that they seem to have with each other. Do y’all do icebreakers at the beginning of your team meetings? Next time, suggest a topic to the meeting lead that is in the view of your interests (do you love music and concerts, ask people to name the last album they listened to! Do you LOVE romcoms? Ask people to name their favorite trope!). Now you have a baseline to build from! Take note of their answers and next time you read a rom-com you think they would be interested in, or hear music from their favorite artist, Slack them and start a conversation.

Now that you’ve found some things in common, invite a group out for drinks! Being the hostess means never being excluded. Beware, this means a fair amount of logistic burden on you and can be exhausting.

The situation started with them not including you, but now you’re leading the plans and bringing everyone together. This makes it obvious you do want to be friends with them, and if they continue to exclude you when they make plans, I promise it’s not you, it’s them.