Baatein
Introduction Hi parents and teenagers! Thank you for taking the time to go through this magazine. This is the first issue of a series that will be about mental health. This issue is on Stress. This is my MA project at the Graduate School of Education, Stanford. Through this project, I hope to get adolescents, parents and teachers to think and talk freely about mental health. There are various pressure that students go through as they progress through life. This magazine is a small step to help students feel free, safe and supported in school and at home.
Talk Section: These are question answer sections, where child and parent take turns to ask and answer questions. As you turn the page to this section, don’t forget to turn on the sound recorder on your phone. You may need to download a sound recording app for this, so please do it now. After the section is over, you can turn the recorder o and continue with the story.
Cards: The cards are in two colours, one for the parent and one for the child. These are to be used after a reply is given. For example, if the parent notices anything on the cards being done by their child, like expressing emotions or making a joke, they can give their child the corresponding card. Similarly, the child can award their parent after asking the question.
You will need a pen and paper for some questions
Media use The audio recordings will be used to improve the Talk sections of this magazine. They will not be used or published in any other way. Please send the audio recordings to swati261@stanford.edu and your facilitator. The facilitators will record a video of you after you go through the content. This will help better communication between me, you and the facilitators. These videos will be seen by me and my professors, and not published anywhere. Please sign the consent forms before being filmed. Please do not share this magazine yet among other friends, as it is still a work-in-progress. Do give me and the facilitators your honest a and critical feedback on this magazine. It has the potential to be of use to a lot of students in India so do let me know how I can improve it. Thanks again, and I hope you have some meaningful conversations. All the best,
Swati Shelar LDT’18 Stanford GSE
Every person has their own challenges. Challenges bring stress. Stress is a bodily response to change in our life – our brain signals our bodies to secrete hormones that make us want to fight, flee or freeze in response. This was useful for humans in prehistoric times when the challenges were about life or death, but today, these hormones need to signal us to do more than just fight, flee or freeze. Today, how we handle situations is important for our peace of mind, and not just surviving. Just like we need to know about how to stay physically fit, we also need to know about staying mentally fit. Here’s a story about Anju and her family, and how they navigated one tough time in their lives.
Chapter 1: When Anju was very little, her Papa knew just how make her laugh. He would make up some funny story to distract her when she was sad, and Anju would soon forget anything was wrong. Ma knew it was mostly related to her being hungry or sleepy and would immediately feed her or put her to sleep. Anju was in Class 10 now. Her board exams were coming up and she was
very worried. She had never been an exceptional student. She had tried to do better in each test last year, but the result was never what she wanted. Her parents wanted her to have the best opportunities for future success. They were concerned about her performance in school. They often told her to work harder, to score better and to study more.
Every day, Anju woke up early, did about half an hour of homework in the morning, rushed to catch the school bus, went for tuitions after school, rushed home, ate something, spent about an hour on Facebook, Instagram or Snapchat, panicked about studying, then did her homework, helped Ma with the dinner, tried to study some more while keeping an eye and an ear on the TV in the hall,
did her homework late at night, managed to finish things by midnight and went to sleep. Weekends were busier because of her IIT coaching classes. This was the routine for many of her friends, but she felt alone. She felt heavy every day. She felt tense and worried. She didn’t know how to express what she’s feeling, so she didn’t really speak to anyone about it.
Talk For Both: What are your emotions right now? You can start with these words: Joy, sadness, anger, fear, disgust and then think of more complex ones. Write them down. You can use single words or full sentences. Child asks: Tell me about one tough or stressful time when you were younger. Parent asks: Tell me about your school these days. Anything tough or stressful happening?
Chapter 2: Her parents could see that she’s withdrawn, and they tried to give her a lot of advice, with the focus of doing well in school. Her relatives often give her advice too. “Do yoga every day, beta” “Don’t drink tea in the night” “Why do you spend so much time on Facebook, it’s reducing your study time” “There are so many videos on Khan academy, why don’t you try those? They make studying easy!” Anju didn’t find any of these suggestions helpful. She couldn’t express what
was really bothering her, and slowly she shut herself off from everyone. She didn’t like asking anyone for help and didn’t want to listen to anyone talking to her about her academic performance. Anju knew that she could handle stress. She had raced at two state level athletics championships. She’d got quite tense but didn’t fail to get a silver or gold medal. She thought that exams were not as big a deal as compared to that stress, where she had a shot at being a part of India’s track team. She felt weak that an exam could make her worry so
much. She wondered if she was just not intelligent, and what that could mean about her future. There was no fianncial future in running , and she knew that. Anju’s family was a typical middle-class family, living in Mumbai. She was an only child, and her parents had never made her feel less because she was a girl. She had a strong sense of responsibility for them, and though her parents never said anything, she worried about how she would make them proud and earn enough in the future to give back to them too.
Talk For Both: There is an optimum amount of stress required in a person’s life to be able to succeed at tasks and enjoy the process. Sometimes stress pushes us to do well, especially if it is linked to a group succeeding. Think of a time that stress helped you, and share! Child asks: Do you think Anju was worrying too much about the future? What is her responsibility to her family after she grows up? What’s the best advice you’ve got in your life? Parent asks: What might have been a good way to give advice to Anju when she was troubled? Can you name a time when I have given you good advice?
Chapter 3: Anju’s best friend in school, Rahul, was a little worried about her. Rahul knew Anju since she was three years old. They lived in the same colony and went to the same school. Anju and Rahul’s parents had also become friends because of them. Though they spoke different languages at home, they understood each other better than anyone else in their lives. Rahul had a crush on Kavya, who was in Class 11. Kavya went to the same tuitions as them. Kavya and Rahul spoke a
lot, and Anju could feel Rahul slipping away from her. She felt jealous. Anju would not admit to herself that she was jealous. She didn’t know how to process her feelings for Rahul. Since he was her best friend, she didn’t want to like him like that, she wanted to remain good friends with him. But like all her friends in class, she didn’t have a crush on anyone else, or a boyfriend. She wanted to stay very focused on studies this year, but she did get
Rahul was worried about Anju talking less and less to him. He tried for a few weeks to talk to her, but She couldn’t talk to anyone she didn’t respond to him about this. She couldn’t tell like she used to. He spoke to Kavya a lot more now, her other friends about and they started going out. this, and it seemed very They spoke very little to strange to talk to parents each other now. about crushes. They had never spoken about this Anju would sometimes see topic, ever. She even got posts on Facebook or uncomfortable watching Instagram with the two of romantic movies with them. She knew that some them together, or where of her friends’ parents were they’d tagged each other. She got quite sad after open to their children seing these every time, having relationships, but and distracted herself by some were very strict. She surfing the internet more. had no idea about her parents’ opinion. distracted and think about Rahul and Kavya a lot. She hasn’t told this to Rahul.
Talk Child asks: Should Anju be thinking about having a relationship in Class 10? Is there a right age to ‘go out’ with someone? Did you have any crush in school / college? Parent asks: What do you think about students having relationships in school? How can you identify if a relationship is having a positive or negative influence on your life? How do you interact with a person you care a lot about but is creating a negative effect on your life?
Chapter 4: Ma and Papa couldn’t talk to Anju anymore. She felt that they didn’t understand her, and she had not real friends. In school, she started closing herself off from friends because it felt so strange to not have Rahul as her best friend anymore. She was not ready to replace him with a new best friend. She started watching videos endlessly on her laptop every night and getting very little sleep. She didn’t feel hungry anymore. She had a lot of headaches. She couldn’t think clearly anymore
about the tasks at hand or prioritize her work. She got angry and irritated and emotional easily. Sometimes she completely gave up on her homework and studies even if all the books were open in front of her. Her parents would alternate between getting angry and getting very worried for her. They spoke to a few relatives about her behavior and consulted with her class teacher about how she behaved in class. They wanted her to be happy and do well, but they didn’t know how to help her.
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Distraction is sometimes effective to cope with stress. For example, watching something funny, reading a book or playing a game can relieve a lot of tension, especially in a group setting. Now, media online has become infinite, with endless scrolling on social media or auto-playing videos. It is extremely tough to focus our minds when companies work so hard to compell us consume media endlessly. Also, personal content online has an effect of making every detail of a person’s life open to their friends and followers. People tend to share more happy details than sad, and in tough times, it can feel like everyone around you has a much better life than you.
Social media, infinity, Smilies
There is a lot of positive and helpful content out there on the internet too. Technology is not the enemy, how we use it matters. Some simple strategies to help control time online are: - Put your devices away from bed at fixed times every day - Decide how much time you want to spend online before you start - Turn off push notifications from non-essential apps - Browse videos and distracting content with someone, not alone - you can even do this virtually with a friend.
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Which of these are not symptoms or eects of stress: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17.
Stomach Problems Sti neck and shoulders Clenched jaw Feeling overwhelmed Inability to prioritize Avoiding regular work Fractures Short temper Shortness of breath Paranoid thoughts Depression Fever Anxiety Heart problems Shaking hands Uncontrollable outbursts PMS
18. Frequent headaches 19. Excessive crying 20. Back pain 21. Cold and cough 22. Frequent mood swings 23. No sleep 24. Too much sleep 25. Low / Extra appetite 26. Loneliness
Answers are on the last page
Talk Child asks: What do you (parent) do, when you are stuck thinking negative thoughts? What helps you realize that you are stuck? What’s do you like about your social media usage? What do you not like? Parent asks: What’s your favorite thing to do online? How does your online behavior compare to the rest of your friends? What helps you move away from negative thoughts?
Chapter 5: For many months, Anju felt this heavy feeling. Some days were good, when the exams were far, when she had a friendly, comfortable conversation with Rahul, and when had fun with her friends and family. Other days were terrible. She couldn’t smile. It took a lot of effort to even get out of bed and go to school, let alone paying attention in class or doing homework. Her parents sometimes thought she’s being lazy. One day, she heard Ma crying and talking to Papa about her. Another time, she saw Papa looking at an old family album when
they had gone on a vacation, looking quite sad. Anju wanted to snap out of this feeling, be a good daughter and friend, and just give her all to her studies. She started to think that she can’t achieve anything after school. She didn’t have a clear aim like her friends who want to be lawyers or architects or scientists or engineers. She knew that it is important to do well but had no aim to motivate her for the future. Her parents wanted her to have options open until she really decided what to do, so engineering seemed to be the broadest option to everyone.
Anju hears Ma crying
She started watching videos endlessly on her laptop every night and getting very little sleep. She didn’t feel hungry anymore. She had a lot of headaches. She couldn’t think clearly anymore about the tasks at hand or prioritize her work. She got angry and irritated and emotional easily. Sometimes she completely gave up on her homework and studies even if all the books were open in front of her. Her parents would alternate between getting angry and getting very worried for her. They spoke
to a few relatives about her behavior and consulted with her class teacher about how she behaved in class. The teacher also noticed that she was struggling, but thought that only her parents could help her. They wanted her to be happy and do well, but they didn’t know how to help her.
Talk Parent asks: What are the ways in which Anju can find her own aim to study for? What is the role of the school in this process? Should Anju’s parents have shared feelings of being sad that Anju was going through a tough time instead of trying to motivate her or getting angry? Child asks: What are the ways in which Anju’s parents can encourage Anju to think about her aim in life? How should Anju deal with causing her parents sadness, while being so stressed out herself?
Chapter 6: The time came for Anju to give the 10th board exams. She pushed herself a lot, and by the end of the exams she was very tired. All her friends were celebrating that it was over, but she was in a constant state of tension until the results came out. She still had to study for entrance exams and
started worrying about that even though they were two years away. She got her result. As she expected, she hadn’t done very well. In fact, she barely passed. Her parents tried to tell her that her Class 12 and the entrance exam marks mattered more than these marks,
Anju crying in a box, tears filling up
but she saw this as a huge failure. Her parents were a little disappointed, but they wanted her to concentrate on the future instead. Anju cried a lot for a week but hid these tears from everyone. She was very ashamed of herself. She thought about living with this shame for two more years until the 12th boards. It was too hard. She imagined that when she went back to school, the teachers would look at her like she was a failure. She imagined Rahul and Kavya laughing at her. She imagined herself as an
adult, crying when people in suits asked her about her 10th standard marks at job interviews. She even thought a little about suicide. She had heard of other students committing suicide in the news. What struck her was how sad the families had looked in those news reports. She then thought, suicide would be the easiest way out of her situation and that her parents deserve better than that.
Anju reaching out of the sea of water
Talk India has the second highest youth suicide rate in the world. Students are the most likely to commit suicide, with girls being more likely to take this step than boys. The rates have been steadily increasing over the past 20 years. There have been reports of very successful people also turning to suicide in the news of late. Parent asks: What do you think about Anju’s opinion on suicide? Child asks: Any personal stories about our family or your friends related to suicide that I should know about? If you know anyone or ever need this information, these are suicide hotlines in Mumbai. You can add them to your contacts: Aasra, Mumbai 91-22-27546669 The Samaritans Mumbai – 022 6464 3267, 022 6565 3267, 022 6565 3247 iCall, Mumbai – +91 22 2556 3291 You can also always contact the police (Control room 100 / Crime prevention: 120)
Chapter 7: One day, Anju just started crying while having dinner. Her parents were a little shocked, the last time Anju had cried like this, this loudly and for this long, was when she was 8 years old. Ma fed her food, moved her to the sofa and hugged her for a long time as she cried. Papa also sat next to them and kept saying that it was okay and stroked her hair. Anju didn’t say anything, but after crying for a few hours, she was tired, but felt lighter than she had in a long time. Ma cuddled her as she went to sleep. After she slept, Ma and Papa spoke for a long time.
Family hugging each other
They were a little worried, but relieved that Anju had opened up to them, and that they were finally able to take care of and help her in some way. Papa showed Ma the album he had been going through and they both cried a little too, as they remembered Anju’s cheerful and bubbly nature from just a few years ago. They missed that child. They realized that their child was growing up and was becoming a young adult. They wondered about how they could get Anju to feel comfortable with talking to them again. Instead of putting more pressure on
her to succeed in the next exams, they decided to focus now on helping her think positively before anything else. One relative suggested that they should visit a counsellor. They made an appointment with a nearby child psychologist and visited as a family. The counsellor spoke to Anju privately, but also spoke to all three of them. In a short time, they felt comfortable with her, like she was family too. She suggested 5 pillars upon which Anju could be supported and stay positive.
Counsellor and family
GIVE Anju was happy when she could help people and the environment. She always picked up trash at the beach. Papa encouraged her to volunteer at his friend’s NGO that cleaned up the beach every week.
BE ACTIVE Ma helped Anju to use half an hour in the mornings to go running, instead of studying like she used to. She had hardly taken part in inter-school sports during Class 10, because she’d been unfit. Ma made sure that she got some running practice every day.
TAKE NOTICE Anju loved nature, and Ma started a small bird feeder in their balcony. Anju could look out at while she studied. Anju loved to notice how the birds came and drank water, bathed and ate little grains of rice. Ma and Papa often commented upon the birds and the flowers in their balcony. The birds and their antics became a favourite and happy topic of morning conversation for the family. Anju also started taking notice of her breathing. When she started getting frustrated, she would remind herself to breather deeply a few times and then react.
Anju and fam
mily looking at birds
KEEP LEARNING School work seemed repetitive and full of other stresses to Anju, and there was nothing else she was learning. Papa thought of many things that Anju hadn’t learnt, like chess or oil painting. Papa loved chess as a teenager, and he shared his excitement about it with Anju. As Anju learnt to play chess with Papa, she started to get excited about getting better at it every day.
CONNECT Instead of stopping her, Ma and Papa encouraged Anju to spend time more time with friends and talk on the phone. Since she had become very quiet, they knew that she needed more contact. They tried to involve her in their longer conversations too, and slowly realised that their child had grown up to have a voice and opinions that were new, a little different from their own. Ma and Papa sometimes disagreed with Anju but remembered to be patient and give her the time to talk. They didn’t want her to go back to saying nothing at all. Anju started feeling freer than she felt before at home.
Talk The five ‘Ways to Wellbeing’ are actions we can take to feel mentally supported. These strategies were identified by the National Health Service in the UK in partnership with the New Economics Foundation. Each of us already uses some of these strategies to cope. They are simple, personal and action oriented, and this is often an effective way to approach stress. Give : Do something nice, connect with the larger community Be Active : Find a physical activity you enjoy Take Notice : Be curious, reflect on what you appreciate and are thankful for Keep Learning : Set a new challenge and enjoy achieving it, feel confident when you grow Connect : Feel close to the people around you
Name one thing under the five headings that you would enjoy. Give
Be Active
Take Notice
Keep Learning
Connect
Parent asks: What was one time when you felt very free to talk to me? When did you feel I should have, but did not, let you deal with a problem on your own? Child asks: How can Anju strike a balance between accepting help and being independent, taking care of herself? What can I do if you are feeling stressed?
Chapter 7: One day, as they are going to the counsellor, a neighbour asked the family where they were going. They were all a little confused as to how to answer. Later, in the car, Ma felt that they should tell people about the counsellor, because it may help someone else’s child. Papa and Anju were a little hesitant. Anju still felt a little ashamed about getting help, and Papa didn’t want Anju to be singled out more in school than she already was.
They had a big debate in the car, but for the first time, it was a peaceful one. Instead of holding their feelings in like they generally did, they realised that they had all been frank with each other and spoken very comfortably. Anju spoke to Rahul about her feeling of jealousy as well. She realised that she was more upset about losing him as a friend than jealous about him having a girlfriend. Now that she was more at peace with herself, she didn’t feel any pressure to have a relationship. Being alone was not a burden, it was even fun.
Anju started feeling more peaceful and calm day by day. This tough year for Anju had made the family a little closer and made them all a little stronger to face the challenges to come. She started thinking about the exams again, but as another opportunity be judged at the same level as everyone else, without any bias towards her past. Being positive helped her stay strong, and she believed that her strength would her succeed more than her marks.
Family in car
Talk
Stress can lead to serious mood disorders like Depression, Anxiety or Bipolar disorder. These need treatment by mental health professionals (psychiatrists, psychologists, counsellors) and depending on severity may need medication. India has a lot of stigma around medical treatment of mental health. However, it has helped many people lead better lives. Going to a counsellor when you are stressed, even if it doesn’t seem very severe, is not a bad idea. It is worthwhile to find out about counsellors near your home, just as you know which doctor to go to if you fall ill. Child asks: What experience with mental health professionals with family, friends, media or yourself, have you had? What do you think of seeking professional help? Parent asks: Do you agree with Anju’s opinion about telling people about counsellors? What’s your idea of a successful life?
This was just one small chapter in Anju’s life. She will face tougher times in her life, and so will Ma and Papa. They are learning to support each other better, are you?
Hands holding each other