21st Century Parenting

21st Century Child Parenting The Magic of co-regulaTion

By Olivia Sinco

A fancy word for a simple technique, co-regulation is defined beautifully by

www.relationshiprestoration.org as:

“The way that the nervous system of one individual influences the nervous system of another.”

If I can hold a state of calm, happiness and contentment, then children around me will come to feel this too. In energetic terms, co-regulation is simply law of attraction.

“Co-regulation is happening all the time, whether we’re aware of it or not.”

Co-regulation is happening all the time, whether we’re aware of it or not. The real value behind becoming aware of and practicing it, is to build better relationships with the children in our lives, influencing them in a way that is beneficial for their wellbeing and development.

Imagine a busy five-yearold’s classroom on a Monday morning. There may be up to eight children who, for one reason or another, aren’t following the familiar morning routine.

There may be tears, children in the hallway refusing to move, staring out of the window, running away or just playing. Now here is where law of attraction kicks into play, because I know that in order to create the right conditions to have children co-regulate with me, I must not pursue them. It appears that many children are accustomed to being pursued at home. If I spend my day chasing the co-operation of every wayward student, I would leave work drained, because they seem to feed off of the chase. It simply isn’t effective.

The dilemma we have as staff, is how to meet the emotional needs of each of these individuals efficiently, to have them feel safe and motivated to want to join the class and learn. And so ‘Card Club’ began.

I put on a timer for 10 minutes and bring out four packs of kiddie cards that can be used for the games Snap, Fish, Old Maid and Memory Match. All the stragglers are invited to play.

Of any strategy I’ve ever used, card games are by far the most effective. Why? Because I love to play cards. If, on these Monday mornings for example, someone suggested that I take out a game of Battleships

“Of any strategy I’ve ever used, card games are by far the most effective. Why? Because I love to play cards.”

to entice our dysregulated students back to the mat, it simply wouldn’t work. I hate Battleships and can’t last even a few minutes without getting bored. The success of Card Club, at dramatically lifting the emotional state of students in minutes, is due to the strong positive emotional state it triggers within me. The students are co-regulating with me, and the speed and effectiveness of the energetic transference is magical to see. Whatever problem they have, playing together seems to ‘wipe the slate clean’, bringing them all back to square one.

The biggest surprise I’ve had over the first term of using it, is that what they want most is to play each other. All I have to do is sit by, watch the timer and help with some of the shuffling and dealing. I realise, it’s peer to peer connection that feeds the momentum of the games, my instigation of the process and holding space for it to occur is just the starting point.

Over in the senior classrooms, the success of cards is just as evident. Using a regular deck, I’ll play one-on-one with a student who’s having trouble sitting still and, as with the younger ones, I’ve discovered that playing each other is what the older kids want too. I’ll often have 12-year-olds begging me that, if they do a good job on their learning, can they play cards together afterwards as a reward?

Cards aside, the basic concept of co-regulation is that I need to be in a very secure state of calm, in order to have children co-regulate with me, if I’m not, it can be other way around, where I may unintentionally co-regulate with them. Children can exhibit extremes of emotion at the drop of a hat and, if I don’t hold my own balance properly, I’ll be swayed by their ups and downs and join them in a negative place. For parents, whatever it takes to hold that unshakeable feeling of happiness, that’s your strength. It becomes a discipline.

It’s probably the biggest misnomer of modern parenting, that taking care of our children’s happiness is the goal. When the truth is, taking care of our own happiness and having them join us in it, is the real point of power. From an unshakeable state of contentedness, we have the strength and clarity to teach our kids that meeting their needs is more important than satisfying their wants. We remain energetically in charge in a way that benefits the entire family.

“When the truth is, taking care of our own happiness and having them join us in it, is the real point of power.”

Olivia Sinco is an Education Support Worker, Facilitator of the 21st Century Parenting Program and artist.

Image Credit: Pixabay

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