FICTION
Hockey Night in the Canadas BRET TON LONEY I L L U S T R AT I O N S BY D E R E K V O N E S S E N
Befor The Crumbling, befor the Furst Sikness and the Blak Sikness there was always Hockey Night in the Canadas. The grey ones, the ones with 30 or more sumers, tell us so. Saturday nite was the sacrud time for Hockey Night in the Canadas. Familees gathurd round magical plastik boxes called Tee Vees to wach hockey games. To yung bucks like me it is hard to understand the grey ones when they talk about Tee Vees. How a hockey game could be playd one place and be playd on the Tee Vee at the same time, but they say it is so. Who can no. They tawk about waching hockey while eating popcorn and drinking beer from a botel in a warm howse without a fire. Then they cry. The grey ones always cry when they tawk about times befor The Crumbling. I have seen only 12 sumers and didn’t liv befor The Crumbling. But as apprentis to Britannica the Scribe, the grey ones tell me many storeys about the time befor and I rite them down. Not many books survive. Tuday is speshal becuz our vilage, called Canadian Tires, plays a hockey game against the nearest vilage of Timhortons this after noon. The game is the hilite of the Festival of the Wintur Soulstis. We play in the after noon even tho “NHL rools” says it should be played at night. How can this be? No one can see at night. No vilage has enuf lanterns to lite their vilage at night let a lone a dark pond. The grey ones say it was the way, but who can no. Our vilage will do wel in the game. We hav 2 Gretskis on our team. Playurs can only yooz the sacrud name if they have been
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chosen as furst star many times in vilage against vilage games or hav ten gol notches on ther hockey stik. Gretskis get to whar the magic number 99 on ther coat. If you are almost a Gretski, sometimes you are called a Mar-e-o. You are given the numbur 66 to whar. Once you are good enuf to be a Gretski, they turn the numbur rite side up. Both vilages wil gathur on Sweet Watur Pond to wach the game. We wil find out who has survived the wintur so far in Timhortons and if the Blak Sikness is bak. I wil see Heathur of Timhortons again. She makes me feel a wonderful qwivering. When she looks at me, I am happy and sad and ankshus all at once. She and I are almost man and wuman and neerly old enuf to be mates. But only if my clan leadur and hers agree. You cannot mary within your vilage. It is Otawas ways. Bonfires wil be lit by the pond so the grey ones can stay warm. The zebras wil cleer the sno from the pond to maak a rink. Then they wil stain the ice with blubery paynt to maak the blu lines. Befor the game, the zebras sacrifice a smal animal to make the holy red line in between the blu lines even tho no one nos what the red line is for. “NHL rools” say nothing of a red line but the
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