CONTROLLED SUBSTANCES SARAH WALDRON
46
i was diagnosed as clinically depressed last month this means i can do anything i want but the catch is i don’t want to do anything i’ve been spen¬ding a lot of time in my apartment accumulating old containers of indian food and coke cans my roommate is talking to his girlfriend in the kitchen so i am staying here google search ‘how long wear same clothes rash’ followed by ‘death by sun deprivation’ apparently children in a cult in russia lived underground and never saw the sun up until they were discovered -- sounds good i tweet something depressing and take a nap in the haze of pre-sleep i am imagining the room filling with lava from the space under the door and the crack in the window my own giggling wakes me up a text from my ex girlfriend reads: “hey are you ok?” begrudgingly i agree to meet for coffee i drink three red bulls and she has a latte but i don’t feel embarrassed she fixates on me with aggressive concern “have you been eating?” i am overly aware of my own facial movements “yes” my nose twitches slightly she places her hand over mine and traces my knuckles deliberately she is paler than i am later we are in my room but i am not embarrassed by it we are kissing she tells me i’m too pretty to be depressed and takes her top off i didn’t ask for this i avert my gaze but i don’t know why maybe to be polite, maybe to escape her aggressive brand of consolation i sit back on the bed sort of turned on by her plain white bra the list of reasons not to fuck her has erased itself my sheets haven’t been washed in 6 months her deodorant smells like patchouli and jasmine “you used to hate being on top” “don’t look up at me, it’s a bad angle” after she looks at me and smiles a smile that maybe means something to her i feel like throwing up from all the red bull i roll over and take some pills that are on my nightstand hoping one is actual medicine she leaves i fall asleep my dreams are filled with more lava and gasoline and a girl in a bikini masturbating later she texts : “feeling any better?” “no not really”