The Spectator ● November 21, 2013
Page 15
Humor These articles are works of fiction. All quotes are libel and slander.
During free periods, lunch periods, and after-school, students—typically in pairs, but occasionally in groups of three—have been stopping and frisking each other in the Hudson Staircase. This behavior is vigorously supported by former Republican mayoral candidate Joe Lhota. According to numerous reports, dozens of students are stopped and frisked each year in the Hudson Staircase. The shadiest among this group are stopped and frisked repeatedly, on a weekly or even daily basis. “The Stop and Frisk policy has bolstered our school’s community,” senior Luke Morales said. “And while we will never tolerate racial stereotyping in this school, I typically only stop and frisk Asians.” There are many different styles of Stop and Frisk, with variations in firmness and duration. The traditional Stop and Frisk starts at the upper hips,
and ends at the chest or buttocks. “It is important that the frisker be thorough,” junior Anne Duncan said. “But it is unprofessional for the frisker to go below the waist on a first frisk.” Of course, there are some outspoken opponents to Stuyvesant’s Stop and Frisk tradition. Assistant Principal of Safety, Security, and Student Affairs Brian Moran is the chief opponent to Hudson Staircase stop-andfrisking, frequently pleading with students to frisk elsewhere. “It’s unclear to me whether the students are digging for contraband, or just digging,” Moran said. “Either way, I’d rather them conduct these frisks elsewhere.” Various records indicate that Moran himself was a major stop-and-frisker during his high school days. New reports by The Denver Post show that the Hudson Staircase is not the only place where Stuyvesant students stop and frisk each other. Stopping and frisking also occurs in the pool, the janitorial closets, the school store, the Big Sib office, and Kern’s dungeon.
Girl Wore Cat Costume to Show Off Her Innocence and Personality By Dennis Nenov On Halloween, countless Stuyvesant students decided to bare their great sense of fashion, their optimistic personality, and their untouched innocence. For many, it was the first time they would experience the sensual pleasure of learning without any distractions. Junior Jennifer Connors was one of many students who wore a cat costume to school. She was inspired to wear the costume after playing with her two month old cat Jevins. “Jevins wears very little clothing most of the time, and he always looks adorable,” Connors said. After entering Stuyvesant, she was initially stopped by the scanner aides and told she’ll be able to find a husband quickly. “I mean usually we tell the girls
they’ll never find a husband, but with a costume that shows off her personality, like the one she was wearing, she’ll be able to find a husband in no time,” scanner aid Jane Williams said. Connors, who has no selfesteem issues, sported the costume with the sole intent of accentuating her best features. “I think that cat costume really brought out my introspective and chaste nature,” Connors said. The scanner aides, the security staff, and random passersby on the train weren’t the only ones who noticed. “That costume made me realize she has a NICE personality,” sophomore Miki Steele said, expressing the sentiment that was common among Jennifer’s male peers. Jennifer also won the Student Union’s esteemed “Stuyl-
loween’s Illest” contest for most unique costume. “In all my three months as President I have never seen such an exceptional display of creativity,” Student Union President Eddie Zilberbrand said. Connors reported not being involved in any awkward moments, especially not in her health class where she discussed teenage sexuality. “I think having the ‘Spirituality of Sex’ seminar on Halloween really adds another dimension,” health teacher Lisa Weinwurm said. Teachers in other departments agreed that having everyone dress up really facilitates learning. “Today was a good day. All my students were on focus, and there was almost no funky business in class,” math teacher Paul Chen said. “The only problem was the smut dressed up like a naughty cop.”
What do you call a flying bagel?
Luna Oiwa / The Spectator
By Jeremy Karson, with additional reporting by Noah Rosenberg
Bonny Truong / The Spectator
• Stuyvesant administrators expressed concern that over two months into the school year, the freshmen are still happy. • TIME magazine named Dante de Blasio the sixth most influential teen of 2013. His biggest accomplishments are growing an afro and getting into Brooklyn Tech. • ZQT-10 forms are now available on the Stuyvesant website for returning spring athletes. The “Q,” added to the code this year, is believed to stand for either “Quinoa” or “Quidditch.” • Barack Obama will change his name to Pinocchio amidst recent reports that he lied to the American people about their ability to keep preexisting insurance plans. • The administration and the College Office have found yet another way to ease the college process for the seniors by changing one of the college counselors. These “more-stress, more problems” tactics have yet to be replicated by another school, which shows that Stuyvesant is still #1.
Stuyvesant Students Stop and Frisk in the Hudson Staircase
A plane bagel!
Credit to Omar Amin
The Gutterball Strikes Again By Nathan Mannes and Miki Steele In a recent match against Beacon High School, the Bowldogs, Stuyvesant’s boys’ bowling team, saw themselves down a few pins going into the final frame. Bowling aficionados everywhere described the game as the “match of the century.” However, an unfortunate gutterball from junior James Kong lost the game. “I don’t know what the hell happened. We’ve already beaten Beacon once this season,” coach Timothy Pon said. “I specifically told James to knock down all the pins. My coaching advice has always been perfect. It’s too bad.” Though the outcome of the match was unfortunate, the Bowldogs still have their spirits up high. Sophomore and captain Sanil Ajay Dave claims that bowling has changed his life. “Stuyvesant bowling isn’t just about getting strikes, it’s about being a part of something larger than yourself. It’s hard to say what I value more: the average score of 230 I’ve bowled this season, or the countless claps and pounds I receive in the hallway when I wear my Stuyvesant Bowling shirt,” Dave said. The bowling team isn’t just in it for the game, however. “I joined it for the females. Ladies just love the big balls that we carry around,” junior Jonathan Li said. Li wasn’t the only person
who felt that bowling was attractive. “Even though some people like the well-built body and broad shoulders of a football or basketball player, nothing can
“Even though some people like the well-built body and broad shoulders of a football or basketball player, nothing can compare to the deliciously well-toned dominant arm of a bowler.” —Jane Jeong, junior compare to the deliciously welltoned dominant arm of a bowler,” junior Jane Jeong said.
Yasmeen Roumie / The Spectator
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