The Spectator ● April 1, 2015
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The Disrespectator Moran Holds Cell Phone Drive for the Phoneless By Tina Jiang and Blythe Zadrozny Assistant Principal of Security, Student Affairs, Health, and Physical Education Brian Moran hosted a cell phone drive for the phoneless on March 13. Attendees included staff members and alumni, as well as students hoping for a way to get their phones back without the help of their parents. Admittance was prohibited until 4:00 p.m., when phones were distributed to those in need. Moran cited the drive as a form of reconciliation with students. “I really hope this leads to a stronger bond between me and the students. I want people to know that I care enough to spend my time working for the public instead of patrolling the halls trying to find chances to make students cry,” Moran said. The drive kicked off with an opening speech from Moran in which he recounted his moment of realization. “It was turning point in my life. I was celebrating my 500th phone acquisition when I realized that there must be more to holding four positions than taking phones away,” Moran said. With every phone that Moran gave back, he gave an account of the adventure he had experienced in attaining it. Perhaps the most outrageous story was
one of a stakeout performed by Moran himself. “My days are often spent contemplating how I can strategically get more phones. One day, I came up with this idea to hide in bathroom stalls to look for illegal usage of those damned cheating devices. I took a timer in with me to a stall so that I wouldn’t be seen, and if a student was in there for longer than five minutes, I climbed into that student’s stall, and snatched his phone away,” Moran said. For students lucky enough to receive a phone touched by Moran’s very own hands, a thrilling surprise was discovered. “I opened the phone and in the photos I saw thousands of selfies Moran had taken. At first, I was a bit shocked, but I think that this is just what I needed to make me feel better about my phoneless years: Mr. Moran’s bald and smiling head,” senior Coby Goldberg said. The event continued until 4:30 p.m., when the demand became too high and supplies ran out. Moran, however, feels it was a successful undertaking. “I think I changed some lives today. I think this will lead to some of the respect I deserve,” Moran said. As of now, Moran is the only staff member in the school who has taken steps to repent for his early years of phone taking. However, foreign language
teacher and dean Manuel Simon has shown promise of continuing this charity work. “Mr. Moran really inspired me today. I think I myself would like to get involved in ending phonelessness. However, I do still need to get to my own personal goal of 250 phones taken away…” Simon said.
“I opened the phone and in the photos I saw thousands of selfies Moran had taken. At first, I was a bit shocked, but I think that this is just what I needed to make me feel better about my phoneless years. Mr. Moran’s bald and smiling head.” —Coby Goldberg, senior
Munawar Rahman / The Spectator
The administration has been inspired by Moran’s actions and will be creating a new department expressly for actions such as this. Moran will be heading this newly created department, making his latest official title Assistant Principal of Safety, Security, Student Affairs, Health, Physical Education, and Cell Phone Philanthropy. “I really feel as though people are going to look back and remember me as the guy who changed their lives. Yes, my yelling might have scarred them for life, but I also hosted a half hour cell phone drive,” Moran said.
Spectator Opens Column for Stuyvesant Confessions By Julia Ingram Stuyvesant Confessions is a Facebook page where students can submit things they would like to say anonymously. Statements range from a person’s crush to speculation on teachers’ past lives to frustrated rants about the difference between macarons and macaroons. However, the page has been shut down on numerous occasions by Assistant Principal of Health, Physical Education, Safety, Student Affairs, and Facebook Brian Moran. “People’s feelings were getting hurt, because of Facebook, and the page had the word ‘Stuyvesant’ in the title,” Moran said. “So obviously it was my responsibility.” Given the repeated failures by various students to host a successful Stuyvesant Confessions Facebook page, The Stuyvesant Spectator decided that in the next issue, it would start a regular column dedicated to showcasing these confessions. The Spectator Editorial Board hopes that the Confessions column will further the goals of the Facebook page while preventing cyber bullying. “You can’t tag anybody in the Spec, since it’s on paper, so we’re not going to have any problems,” Editorin-Chief Daniel Kodsi said. “Nobody will have any idea which Kevin Lee you’re talking about!” The Student Union (SU) supports The Spectator’s new initiative, especially considering that they haven’t come up with any of their own. “We need to catch up to Bronx Science. We can’t allow them to surpass us in any way, even on Facebook,” SU President Jonathan Aung said. As of at time of publication, The Bronx Science Confessions Page is up to Confession number 7433, while Stuyvesant Confessions is only up to number 1326. Many students are also in support of the new column. One student, who wishes to remain anonymous but goes by the pseudonym “Stuy Drake,” is especially enthusiastic. “I, and the other Drake figures of Stuyve-
sant, need to share our insights with the world. When I posted a poem with the line ‘bent me like a metro card,’ I expected more than 100 Facebook likes,” Stuy Drake said. “On a deeper level, we’re all deep,” he added, nodding and looking into the distance philosophically.
“On a deeper level, we’re all deep.” —Stuy Drake
Submissions for the new column should be deposited in the dumpsters in the fifth floor cafeteria by the Hudson Staircase, or in the box outside Moran’s second floor office. The Editorial Board will be in charge of the selection process for included confessions, because, as the administrators posted on their page, “Sometimes even we admins can’t even.” The administration, however, has expressed concern about potential effects of the new column. “The last thing we want is The Spectator to be the cause of the words ‘Battery After Tenth,’ coming out of someone’s mouth,” Principal Jie Zhang said. Nevertheless, The Editorial Board is determined to follow through with their plan. “We are supposed to be the pulse of the student body,” Opinions Editor Brian Dong said. “We need show all the voices of the students of Stuyvesant, from those complaining they didn’t get Top Five in SING! to those who believe that ‘the dress’ is blue and black”
Moran Acquires Segway and Traumatizes the Student Body By Jonathan Buhler A new sound graced the hallways of Stuyvesant today, one that instilled fear into the hearts and minds of students, for it was none other Assistant Principal of Safety, Security, and Student Affairs Brian Moran rolling by on his newly acquired Segway. Prayers were muttered, eyes averted, and paces quickened as he cruised the corridors, eyeing every last individual for possible cell-phone contours. Sophomore Lorenz Vargas was one of the unfortunate students to encounter Moran using his new acquisition. “I was innocently checking my e-mail on my phone when suddenly, the hallway exploded into a sea of sound and I saw this wheeled monster
flying towards me, sirens blaring as it gathered speed. I tried to make a break for the half floor but looking behind me, I see Moran leaped off his Segway directly into a spread eagle lunge flying towards me and wrestling me to the ground,” Vargas said. “The entire half-floor population promptly replaced their phones with notebooks and folders in a well rehearsed manner.” High-speed pursuits not dissimilar to the one above are becoming commonplace in the cellphone-ridden hallways of Stuyvesant after Moran blew all of the school’s annual budget on his military-grade attack Segway. “It’s decked out with all the new stuff; tasers, radio, you name it, this baby has it,” he said triumphantly as
he drove through the fifth floor. “The newer, more liberal cellphone policy has left students pushing the boundaries even further, believing it’s now okay to walk around in the hallw—.” The interview was briefly interrupted by Moran snatching a phone from the hands of senior Shahruz Ghaemi, who proceeded to mutter a couple of unprintable phrases. “As I was saying, we need to crack down on devilish cellphone usage, and what better way to do so than with a Segway?” Not everyone at Stuyvesant shares Moran’s enthusiasm for his new toy. “He’s brought a gun to a knife fight, it’s [long expletive deleted] unfair,” junior Ryan Boodram said. “There is a perpetual balance between the hunted
“It’s decked out with all the new stuff; tasers, radio, you name it, this baby has it” —Brian Moran, Assistant Principal of Safety, Security, and Student Affairs and the hunter, and the hunter just upset that balance. I also question the financial soundness of the purchase as the school does have running costs, and our balance is now a fat null.” “As of today, all phones captured inside of Stuyvesant will be
sold on eBay to the highest bidder. I’ve done some calculations and that should be more than enough to cover the costs of this beast,” Moran said when asked how he was going to repay the school’s newly depleted budget.