The Spectator ● June 14, 2011
Page 13
Humor These articles are works of fiction. All quotes are libel and slander.
Teitel Angered by Exclusion from Senior Crush Lists By Eli Rosenberg with additional reporting by Wilson Stamm Principal Stanley Teitel, in a fit of uncontrollable rage, viciously tore down the array of senior crush lists, which had been posted on the second floor, on Tuesday, June 2. Teitel’s rampage was apparently spurred on by the fact that his
“I’ve gotten at least three ‘I’d Taps’ every year since I’ve grown out my beard.” —Stanley Teitel, principal
name did not appear on a single crush list, including in the “I’d Tap That” and “Honorable Mention” sections. The lists are usually put up in the form of creative posters in which seniors note the people on whom they have had a crush in their four years of high school. While the lists mostly contain the names of students, teachers and school administrators have been in-
cluded in the past. “I’ve gotten at least three ‘I’d Taps’ every year since I’ve grown out my beard,” Teitel said. “This is outrageous.” Senior Konrad Wojnar was surprised to hear about Teitel’s reasoning, “I just thought that they removed the crush lists because my name appeared on them too frequently,” Wojnar said. Despite the confusion as to why the crush lists were taken down, near universal anger has arisen in the senior class as a result. “Teitel needs to realize that he isn’t the only one who wants to see his name on a crush list,” senior Jack Zurier said. “It’s hard to compete with him. I don’t think any of us students could grow that kind of facial hair.” The Spectator has received many reports on the tearing down of the lists. Teitel’s actions were “frightening, at best,” sophomore Everett Ross said. “People could hear his roars from across the building.” “I saw him leap what must have been 25 across the second floor atrium,” senior Sara Lu said. “He was foaming at the mouth. I was terrified.” Teitel’s actions have not gone without ramifications. “Now I will never know who I could have had awkward sexually charged encounters with,” senior Damian Siniakowicz said. This infamous affair may have struck a blow to the senior class of 2011, but they were not the only group affected. “We are at a loss for words,” New York Post spokesman Gregory Steinman said. “Without the Stuyvesant crush lists, we might have to report on real news.”
Extreme Physical Unattractiveness of Student Body Leads to New Dress Code By James Frier and Wilson Stamm Starting in September 2011, students who try to enter Stuyvesant while exposing any skin can expect extreme
“Thank God I won’t have to see any more backne when I’m trying to teach a class.” —Bernard Feigenbaum, Mathematics teacher
admonishment, according to a new dress code released by Principal Stanley on Tuesday, June 7. The creation of the dress code prohibits the wearing of excessively revealing and offensive clothes, including those that expose shoulders, backs, stomachs, thighs, or express any form of individuality.
The dress code was, according to Teitel, driven by the need to counteract the overall unattractiveness of the student body. “I’m tired of throwing up in my mouth a little bit every morning when I walk through the halls,” Teitel said. “Students have gotten more repugnant, repulsive, and repellent every year, and frankly, this excessively revealing clothing is not helping in the slightest.” Many teachers echoed Teitel’s sentiments. “Thank god I won’t have to see any more backne when I’m trying to teach a class,” math teacher Bernard Feigenbaum said. “I find skin conditions particularly distracting, and I have a sneaking suspicion that my other students do too.” However, the new dress code has not gone unopposed. “If I want to show off my sallow, chafing skin at school, that should be my right,” said junior Renata Horowitz. The dress code will also help the security guards in their protection of the school. “We often have trouble monitoring the security footage when all we see on the other side is greasy teenage skin.” School security guard Rodriguez said. “I think anything short of a mandated paper bag over the head is cutting it short.” Although most students oppose the new dress code, a small group has expressed support for the new policy. “I can finally sit through a class and pay attention all period without being constantly distracted by girls’ exposed shoulders,” junior David Vander said. “Although I am a little bit sad that I will no longer be able to impress chicks with my short, backless shirts.” Protests have also been or-
ganized by students to fight the dress code, including a petition submitted to Teitel, and a planned walk-out if the administration does not repeal the dress code. However, Teitel remained adamant about the
“I can finally sit through a class and pay attention all period without being constantly distracted by girls’ exposed shoulders.” —David Vander, junior
implementation of what will be the first formalized dress code at Stuyvesant since the infamous “No Hammer Pants” rule, repealed in 1993. “I’m determined to keep the ‘class’ in ‘classy’,” Teitel said. “Or at least to keep my breakfast in my stomach.”
Stuyvesant High School Lives Up To Mission Statement By Chester Dubov In a rare display of public hubris, the Stuyvesant High School administration announced that the school has succeeded in fulfilling the mission statement outlined online on the school’s Web site,at www.stuy.edu. Principal Stanley Teitel made the announcement during a special assembly for parents, students, and alumni, held in the Murray Kahn Theater on Tuesday, May 31 at 6 p.m. According to the school’s Stuyvesant High School Wweb site, the school’s mission statement reads: “The Stuyvesant High School philosophy is that each student is a worthy human being and a necessary partner in a program established for his/her future in a democratic society. With the cooperation of parents, the staff nurtures the developing awareness and responsibilities of each individual. The
“Nothing makes me feel more validated in my humanity than getting screamed at for doing my math homework on the third floor.” —Jonathan Lessinger, junior
school seeks to providees positive direction in an academic environment thatwhich offers the individual intellectual, moral, athletic, aesthetic and social opportunity.” In his speech, Teitel made reference to the text of the statement, in order to identify successful policies that the school has implemented. “Due to our planned improvements to [Technology and Art] course offerings, future students will be offered even greater and more meaningful ‘aesthetic opportunities,’,” he said. “We believe in a minimalist philosophy: ‘less is more.’.”[I get that this is a reference to the 5tech thing, but I don’t quite get the joke.] Teitel spoke about the decision to publish the mission statement on the school’s redesigned Wweb site. “The school stands for very concrete and specific values, and we wanted our Wweb site to reflect that,” he said.
“Due to our planned improvements to [Technology and Art] course offerings, future students will be offered even greater and more meaningful ‘aesthetic opportunities.” —Stanley Teitel, principal
However, according to internal administrative documents obtained by The Spectator, the school’s institutional philosophy was articulated in a first draft of the mission statement as “We do everything in our power to keep our name out of the [New York] Post.” Education experts have questioned the validity of the administration’s announcement, citing the school’s recent “B” grade in the “school environment” section of the data driven city-wide 2011 School Report Card, baut students seemed to take the statement for granted. “Of course we’ve fulfilled our mission statement,.” jJunior Jonathan Lessinger said. “Nothing makes me feel more validated in my humanity than getting screamed at for doing my math homework on the third floor.”