The Spectator ● September 8, 2011
Page 15
Humor These articles are works of fiction. All quotes are libel and slander.
Senior Bar Rejects Class of 2012
In an unprecedented move, the “Senior Bar,” a concrete block located near the second floor entrance housing numerous lockers, has rejected the Class of 2012, citing the new senior class’s dearth of coolness as its chief motive. Senior Felicia Rutberg attempted to sit on the Bar when she entered the school on Thursday, Sep-
“This really doesn’t come as much of a shock.” —Stanley Teitel, principal
tember 8. However, as soon as she sat down, she experienced what she later referred to as a “moderate electric shock.” Furthermore, when seniors attempted to hang a celebratory sign above the Bar—a tradition on the first day of the school year—the paper banner spon-
taneously burst into flames. The move surprised the Class of 2012, members of which had spent the previous three years looking forwards to being allowed to spend time at the bar. “I can’t believe that this happened,” Rutberg said. “I’ve wanted to sit on the bar and feel cool for years, and now, I’m scared to even go near it.” This year’s senior class is the first to have been rejected by the Bar since the school moved into its current building in 1992. Until now, seniors have enjoyed the privilege of congregating near and sitting upon the Bar every year. “This really doesn’t come as much of a shock,” Principal Stanley Teitel said. “As much as eating on the Bar and the general excess of fun being had in its vicinity annoys me—and believe me it does—upperclassmen showing disrespect to the Bar ranks among the worst offenses here at Stuyvesant, and the Class of 2012 has been nothing but disrespectful. Student’s shouldn’t take anything for granted, and now, they need to deal with the consequences.” “We predicted that this would happen,” alumnus and former Bar denizen Jackson Maslow (’11) said. “The Bar has made several snide comments over the years regarding [the Class of 2012’s] ineptitude and arrogance, and now they’ve gotten what they deserved. I guess they’ll just have to hang out on the half floor like total losers.” Members of the senior class have expressed concern over the effects the Bar’s rejection
will have on their senior year. “Where else will we go to show off the fact that we’re older than other people?” senior Jonathan Lessinger said. “How will underclassmen know that we’re better than they are?” Teitel has been unsympathetic to the Class of 2012’s re-
“Where else will we go to show off the fact that we’re older than the other people?” —Jonathan Lessinger, senior
quests for him to ask the Bar to refrain from electrically shocking seniors. “I respect the Bar’s decision. The seniors have brought this on themselves. For three years now, they’ve been hated by school administrators and fellow students alike, and now, the Senior Bar has followed suit.”
Study Shows Freshmen Get Smaller Every Year
By James Frier and Eli Rosenberg
A study released by New York University on Thursday, September 8, has confirmed the longheld belief that high school freshmen decrease in size every year. The study, titled “Diminution in Average Size of Ninth Grade Students over Time,” cites 20 years of data that shows a general downward trend in height, weight,
“It’s never been easier to fit freshmen into garbage cans and lockers.” —Joaquin Pinto, junior and overall physical maturity. It comes on the heels of the announcement that Stuyvesant has admitted the smallest freshman ever, Timmy Wilkens, who is three feet and five inches “tall.” “This study has come as no
surprise to me,” Principal Stanley Teitel said. “When I first started here, we were getting freshmen six, seven, even eight feet tall, all with luscious beards to boot. Now they can barely see over the tops of their desks.” “I knew there was no way I was that small as a freshman,” said senior Connor Justice, who now stands a robust five feet and four inches. In anticipation of the Class of 2016, the school is downsizing a number of the buildings features that have been described as “big” and “scary” by many of the current freshmen. Windows, which currently open eight inches, are to be permanently locked. “The Wall,” a popular hangout for degenerate freshmen on Chambers Street, has been shortened to a freshman-accessible height of one-foot, leading to its new nickname, “The Step.” However, despite the recent measures taken to make the school more accessible to diminutive freshmen, the administration has also begun to take measures to reverse the trend of increasingly short students. After hearing of the study, Teitel sent a letter to New York City Schools Chancellor Dennis M. Walcott proposing that height be taken into consideration as part of the Specialized High School Admissions Test in such a way that taller students can gain acceptance to Stuyvesant with lower scores. “We’ve got a reputation to uphold. I’m tired of my stu-
dents being confused with those middle school kids across the street,” Teitel said. “Plus, increasing the number of tall students at Stuyvesant should help our basketball team finally bring home that championship.” Student response to the study has been varied. “It’s a shame that we don’t do Freshmen Fridays at Stuyvesant,” junior Joaquin Pinto said. “It’s never been easier to fit freshmen into garbage cans and lockers.”
“I knew there was no way I was that small as a freshman.” —Connor Justice, senior
Some upperclassmen were surprised by the news. “In the past, I just assumed that the freshmen seemed smaller, because everyone else is bigger,” senior Kevin Han said. “I guess I was wrong.”
Eli Rosenberg / The Spectator
By Joe Steele
Senior Implicated In Locker Trading Ponzi Scheme
Knight was recently aprehended by authorities after his locker trading business was revealed to be a Ponzi scheme.
By James Frier and Eli Rosenberg Security guards forcibly removed senior William Francis Knight IV from his 9th period Existentialism class on Thursday September 8, and took him into custody. Earlier in the week, suspicions arose around Knight’s activities on a Facebook group entitled “LOCKER TRADINGS - SENIORS ONLY!.” Later that night, Knight was charged with four counts of fraud bringing his weeklong endeavor to an end. It began on August 30, at 3:03 PM, with a post offering to buy lockers from seniors with the intention of selling them back to people later at a higher price. Knight appeared to be successful, buying a total of fifty-seven lockers. By the end of the week, he had made an estimated profit of 2.6 hundred dollars. However, by the first day of school it became apparent that in almost every case, multiple students had been sold the same locker, with some students even being sold lockers with nonexistent numbers, such as 2-12345. Victims pooled their recourses together and quickly took action. An anonymous whistleblower has since been put under the watch of the Witness Protection Program after notifying the United States Securities and Exchange Commission of Knight’s scheme. The SEC proceeded to conduct a through investigation of Knight’s activities over the past week and uncovered the Ponzi scheme. After Knight was found to have booked a 4:15 flight to the Cayman Islands set to depart later that day, SEC officials began to collaborate on a sting operation with Stuyvesant School Security officers to apprehend him before he could flee the country. “[Knight] had been looking a little nervous and shifty-eyed all
period, which is unusual for the first day of school, “ Existentialism teacher Rosa Mazzurco said. “Now I understand his strange behavior, although I do wish the SWAT team had waited until the students had finished filling out the Delany cards.” Knight has so far refused to cooperate with law enforcement officials. However, it is expected that he will plead guilty to the charges, for which, if convicted,
“I personally am shocked that something this base and morally bankrupt could happen at Stuyvesant.” —Principal Stanley Teitel he could serve up to four life sentences of in-school suspension. The scandal has rocked the Stuyvesant community, which had previously prided itself on being a place where students and faculty could trust one another completely. “I personally am shocked that something this base and morally bankrupt could happen at Stuyvesant,” Principal Stanley Teitel said. “I guess we should have just let students pick their own lockers after all.”