The Spectator ● January 25, 2016
Page 25
Humor
Courtesy of MidtownLunch.com
A Comprehensive Review of Halal Carts by Stuyvesant
By Shaikat Islam The growing number of Muslim immigrants from the Middle East and South Asia at Stuyvesant has enabled halal carts to establish themselves as the predominant form of food service for young scholars. Though they are the saviors of students, they don’t get much rep from major Stuyvesant organizations. The Big Sibs guide praises Whole Foods, Zuckers, and other pricier establishments, but presents a mere two-liner for all the halal carts on Chambers Street. That’s a problem because not everyone can afford to pay ten bucks for a small cardboard box of lettuce. Whether you’re frugal, indecisive, or a Muslim, halal carts are always there for you in the form of savory, succulent chunks of lamb or chicken over that beautiful mountain-esque bed of rice. As a Stuyvesant student and a Muslim myself, I find that the halal options near the school are pretty great, but there’s a growing problem: the halal cart to student ratio is too high. Fighting among students over the best halal cart is extremely petty and should be avoided at all costs. Adam Smith, the great Scottish philosopher, points out in “The Wealth of Nations” that an “invisible hand” prevents wasteful resource allocation in a competitive environment. In layman’s terms, competition creates equal opportunity for earnings and reduces waste. Applying this to the halal cart situation in combination with the variables of customer service and customer preference, the presence of so many halal carts is justified. However, as a self-proclaimed connoisseur of halal carts, I am oligarchical in my biased opinion that two—and
only two—halal carts should exist near Stuyvesant. Here’s my research for the decision: 1. Shady’s: Colloquially known as “Shady’s” by Stuy students, this halal cart is at the absolute top of my list. The aesthetic conforms to an atmosphere of American grit and hard labor. Two middle-aged South Asian men, trying their best to provide students with the best food a limited
shake your hand if they recognize you. I started eating here as a freshman, and will continue to eat here until I graduate. You will have no regrets when you eat here, and I recommend this location above the others. The two men manning the cart are like family to some Stuyvesant students, so be on the lookout for this cart. Once, I even witnessed them performing an altruistic act: a student dropped his food on the ground (it was bought at Rafiqi’s) and Shady’s replaced it, even though it wasn’t purchased at their cart. If that’s not good customer service, then I don’t know what is. 2. Rafiqi’s: Rafiqi’s is at the bottom of my list because of the workers’ unruly conduct and behavior, so please don’t go here. They are the genesis of the conflict among halal carts, and I have two pieces of evidence. As a freshman, I was in the nascence of determining my lunch providers, so I was more open to different choices. The first time
The Big Sibs guide praises Whole Foods, Zuckers, and other pricier establishments, but saves merely a two-liner for all the halal carts near Stuy. That’s a problem because not everyone can afford to pay ten bucks for a small cardboard box of lettuce.
budget can buy, operate the cart. The food itself is absolutely tantalizing: the chicken mixes savory and spicy quite poignantly. The lamb is cubic in nature and is also quite tasty, but is as generic as that of any other halal cart. The prices are stunning. Since the running price is just five bucks for a combination plate (of lamb and chicken) with a free soda, it beats most other carts by a landslide. If you become a regular, you’ll see a proportionate increase in the portions offered to you. The two men actively manning the station are polite and will greet you and
I went to Rafiqi’s, I admired their practice of using brown paper bags to serve food, because it reminded me of old-time, nostalgic delis. As I became more mature, however, I figured that the practice was inefficient (how do you hold halal food in a paper bag with one hand?). I digress. When I went there a second time, the workers put me in an uncomfortable situation by showing me a video of a scandal. I had no clue what their point was, but the video was an apparent leak of inappropriate behavior performed by Shady’s. According to Rafiqi’s, Shady’s doesn’t wash their rice,
but I figured that was nonsense because to boil rice, you need water, so Rafiqi’s argument made no sense. It was a clear attempt to skew favor toward their cart, and to me, that’s just bad business. My second piece of evidence was essentially extortion: a Rafiqi’s worker took a 20-ounce soda can from the front of Shady’s cart without asking nicely, and the Shady’s worker was clearly hurt and proclaimed the wrongdoing of Rafiqi’s employee. Perhaps their behavior has changed, or perhaps it’s only limited to a few bad apples, but I maintain my position of not going to Rafiqi’s. I also maintain my position that the three dollar-deal at Rafiqi’s was a front for selling less food at a lower price. When orders weren’t high enough, the price was bumped back up. 3. Green Cart: Located near Whole Foods, that unholy place of juice cleanses and non-GMO, organic, “authentic,” grass-fed, organic-fed, healthy, “ethical,” whole, mom-and-pop, environmental, humane, non-toxic, safeto-eat, Fortune 500, and corporate produce, Green Cart offers more food, more choices, more spices, more options of rice, more meats, and more sauces. Combine all of that and a pretty good six dollarprice for more expensive dishes, Green Cart is pretty chill. I haven’t eaten enough here to figure out how friendly the employees are, but the food is pretty good, so this is my second choice for halal carts near Stuy. 4. The One that Sells Breakfast and Halal, Two Blocks from Stuy: Unmarked territory. I don’t know enough about the owners to make a balanced decision. Go here if you’re an adventurer. 5. The Halal Carts near City Hall: Tourist traps. Only go here if you’re looking for mediocre food and mediocre prices.
This article is by no means all-encompassing, but serves as a rudimentary guide to those who want to enjoy the benefits of eating delicious halal food every day and also wish to gain 20 pounds before the start of winter. I beg future customers of the halal carts to make a more informed decision with their dollars. Buy from Shady’s or the Green Cart. Everything else is trash. Or, you know, you could go to Whole Foods or Zuckers or Checkers or something. To expe-
rience the hard-working ethic of American immigrants, however, go above the corporate-operated, extravagantly priced food items and experience what hundreds of Stuyvesant students call “delicious” and “homey.” In the end of all of this, you’re essentially limiting yourselves to my criticism of the halal cart industry, but if you want to step it
This article is by no means allencompassing, but serves as a rudimentary guide to those who want to enjoy the benefits of eating delicious halal food every day and also gain 20 pounds before the start of winter.
up a notch, you can scientifically perform an analysis of food quality and customer service for every halal cart within walking distance from Stuyvesant and make a wellinformed decision. If you do this, however, you’ll essentially be wasting your time, because like I’ve said, everything besides Green Cart and Shady’s is trash, so follow my bias and believe me because I said it in a Humor article. Eat well. If you find that all the food establishments near Stuyvesant are reminders of a capitalist society, and you think that’s bad, and you use the terms, “bourgeois,” “Williamsburg,” and “paleo” on a regular basis, I’ll be more than happy to give you a fishing rod and a survivalist kit to consume the natural flora and fauna surrounding Stuyvesant.
Ms. Maggio Shuts Off School’s Lights By Kenny Lin and Michael Xu Stuyvesant experienced a miniblackout on Wednesday, December 23, in which the lights of the threeto-five escalator suddenly went out, causing fear and pandemonium amongst escalator riders. The situation further degraded when freshman Chloe Doumar, who could not be chased down to be interviewed, panicked and brought the escalator to a screeching halt with her 100-pound wheelie backpack. As a result, many students found themselves trapped on the escalator. “We were stuck there for hours,” junior Alice Chai said. “I was desperate to the point where I almost considered walking up the escalator.” However, others weren’t nearly as distraught. “I spent the time being productive and reading ‘The Odyssey,’ which, for once, was vaguely interesting—since it was too dark to actually read,” sophomore Jihui Xue said. The situation was then worsened by the Assistant Principal of Safety, Security, and Student Affairs, Brian Moran. After
fixing the escalator, he promptly confiscated phones that were being used by students for light. Following an investigation conducted by the Student Union (SU) and a few students taking
she explained in an interview with The Spectator. “By shutting off the lights,” Maggio said, “we saved enough money to feed at least a quarter of a kid.” That day, Stuyvesant left a 1.2 percent smaller car-
extra credit to those who would “make Stuyvesant sustainable again.” Sophomore Vivien Lee, a student in Maggio’s Urban Ecology class, said, “[Maggio] told us that turning off the lights would count
“I am very excited about the potential TerraCycling has with me in charge. I have plans for creating a secret police force to man the cafeteria trash cans to make sure everything goes where it should go. Students who do not properly recycle will be either have their parents called or thrown off the cafeteria balcony, depending on my mood.” —Marissa Maggio, biology teacher Forensics, it was discovered that biology teacher Marissa Maggio was ultimately guilty of tampering with school property. Maggio’s stated reason for shutting off the lights was to “solve world hunger,”
bon footprint, and as the 11,328th largest user of energy in the city, that is a dramatic difference. In order to provide the manpower needed to shut down all of Stuyvesant’s lights, Maggio offered
as a test score, so we went to the utility closet next to the 11th floor pool and cut the wires. Some kid accidentally shut off the internet too.” In Maggio’s defense, sophomore
Kevin Boodram said, “I believe that the Student Union is deliberately pinning the blame on Maggio. Just because she failed them all freshman year doesn’t give them the right to incriminate her unjustly, and in fact, this goes against the SU Constitution.” Many are still reeling in shock from Maggio’s actions. According to Principal Jie Zhang, Maggio will be stripped of her teaching license, and instead head the janitorial department. However, Maggio says she is actually looking forward to the opportunity. “I am very excited about the potential TerraCycling has with me in charge. I have plans for creating a secret police force to man the cafeteria trash cans to make sure everything goes where it should go. Students who do not properly recycle will either have their parents called or be thrown off of the cafeteria balcony, depending on my mood.” When asked whether students would be able to survive a five story drop into the Hudson, Maggio simply replied by advising students to take swim gym.