The Spectator ● January 19, 2012
Page 7
Humor These articles are works of fiction. All quotes are libel and slander.
Math Teacher to Front Boy Band By Edith Villavicencio Mathematics teacher David Park announced on Friday, December 23, that he will be the lead vocalist and guitarist of a new boy band, which has yet to be named. Most of the band’s details are still undecided, but Park has released several preliminary singles, including “A Bit of Humble Pi,” and “A Fraction of My Love.” The news has set the student population abuzz with excitement. Park was inspired to create the band because of pressure from many of his female students, who know of his fondness for playing the guitar. “[My students] would ask me why I was just a math teacher, when I clearly had this other passion that I wasn’t pursuing. They encouraged me, and assured me that I really had potential,” Park said. Though it seems that Park has tried to remain professional while at school, students and faculty have reported catching him taking posed photographs of himself during his students’ tests. “I think he’s trying to pick a trademark pose for when he’s famous and has paparazzi all over the place,” sophomore Savannah Jeffreys said. “But he’s going to need a little more practice with the posing. All he does is make a ‘shh’ sign or smile next to the calculator or chalkboard. It’s not cute.” Some speculation has arisen regarding the group’s genre. Park himself has revealed that he is having trouble deciding whether to maintain an exclusively
mathematics-themed image, or whether to stick more to the typical style exemplified by today’s popular pop groups. In an attempt to become more “mainstream,” Park started coming to work in brightly colored T-shirts and hi-top sneakers. He also got a new haircut, which bears a suspicious resemblance to the signature side-swept locks of Justin Bieber. Faculty members of the Mathematics Department have expressed concern over Park’s new look. “We encourage math teachers to dress in a nonalarming fashion as part of the mission of our department. Our goal is to focus the students’ attention on absolutely nothing but the formulas and numbers, which is why we try to have teachers dress in such a way that they will blend in with the classroom. Blackboard-colored clothing is preferred,” Assistant Principal Maryann Ferrara said. Park also plans to develop the group’s imagine with a creative name. While he is still unsure what the final name of the group will be, Park is partial to “The Angle Angels.” “I was looking for a name that would simultaneously reference my passion for the mathematical arts and my angelic good looks,” Park said. “I’m just so excited to embark on this new stage of my life.” But not all the students are excited about Park’s musical endeavor. “This is a school. All I want to do is focus in class. Mr. Park came in 15 minutes late to class, and said he was practicing being fashionably late. His new habits are detracting from our
education,” said an anonymous freshman student. To determine additional band members, Park is recruiting Stuyvesant students based on a math exam. He asked the student announcer to tell all interested students to report to the Murray Kahn Theater after school on Monday, January 9. He had all participants take the 2008 AMC exam sitting alone at a desk onstage while he and the rest of the students watched. Park claimed it was an accurate test of mathematical talent as well as the ability to perform under pressure, both of which are of the utmost importance. For an anonymous freshman, the selection process seems unfair. “I can sing. I can dance. But math? No way. Does Mr. Park expect us to derive formulas during performances? If he doesn’t, there’s no reason I have to take that test to join the band. Come on, I totally have the hair for it,” he said. Other students are worried about Park setting the stage for other teachers to partake in activities usually meant for younger people. Park has already submitted a request to try out for Senior SING! as the lead dancer for the boys’ hip-hop crew. “His idea for our theme was Math in Space, following the story of a student who calculates the volume and surface area of each planet, narrating his adventures through song and dance. It’s even worse than the SophFrosh themes,” senior Jonathan Lessinger said.
Administration Implicated in Coat Conspiracies
By DANIEL SOLOMON and JOSEPH SOLOMON
On Friday, January 7, a school administrator took to the loudspeaker to make a peculiar announcement. “All students,” the administrator said, “must wear a coat or jacket if they are to go out for lunch.” The message, issued on a day when the temperature topped 50 degrees, befuddled many students, a few of whom were stopped at the bridge entrance and told that next time they would have to eat inside if they were not more heavily bundled up. “Why do I have to wear a coat? Why does the administration discriminate against sweaters? Besides, if I had a cold, I could get out of this place,” said senior William Knight IV. Now, a closer investigation has revealed a possible answer to Knight’s question: Principal Stanley Teitel has allegedly been taking kickbacks from coat companies in exchange for forcing pupils to wear their products. The accusation came to the attention of The Spectator thanks to an unnamed student, who reportedly saw Teitel pocket a five-dollar bill that he received from a tall, hooded figure attired in apparel from The North Face. “Initially, after the money was exchanged via handshake, I thought that something else was going down, but then I noticed the guy’s outfit, and just put two and two together,” the unnamed student said. The student’s allegations, proved true by security footage, did not encompass all the illicit activity that Teitel had been involved in. Indeed, the video seemed to show a representative from the jacket and book-bag giant Columbia engaged
in the same bribery as his counterpart from The North Face, muttering under his breath about “cheap alternatives.” Both alleged payoffs were not above five dollars, thus not violating the Department of Education’s gifts policy, meaning Teitel cannot be subject to disciplinary proceedings. Still, he declined to make a statement when reached for comment by the Spectator. For their own part, students have had a lot to say, some speculating about other suspected schemes. “If he got 10 dollars from those coat companies to make us wear jackets, he might have been bribed by the Health Department to void us so we would have to eat school lunch,” said junior George Kaiser. Another theory goes that the administration cares too much about the students, imbued with a sense of paternalism, or rather maternalism. “It’s amazing how much the school looks out for me, taking my coffee away to stop me from burning my tongue, calling home when I’m absent, making sure that I know which periods I’m supposed to be at lunch and in class,” junior Isabelle Clark said. “I can feel the love.” While the school has already taken the unprecedented step of protecting pupils against the common cold, it is now exploring ways to help the students in additional ways. “I rearranged the desks in my class into a circle and put a rug in the center. Then I started reading my new book, ‘The Girl Who Never Made Mistakes’. After the kids, had oohed-and-aahed at the pictures, they nodded off on the rug. I guess I’ll just call that nap-time,” said math teacher, sleep guru, and author Gary Rubinstein.
By Robert Melamed
After a series of complaints by Stuyvesant staff and teachers, new measures have been put in place to make riding elevators harder for students, even with a pass. Elevator passes have traditionally been given to students who were physically unable to get to their classes by using the stairs. However, recently many staff members have accused students of faking injuries and requesting a pass so they would not have to climb the stairs. “How dare students even think about taking the elevator and wasting my precious time,” English teacher Phillip Mott said. “I need space to breathe when I’m in the elevator and I don’t need some punk in a fake wheelchair taking up my space.” In a meeting on Tuesday, January 3, Principal Teitel caved into faculty demands and appointed Physical Education teacher Rhonda Rosenthal as the new dean of elevation. “She is perfect for the job,” said Principal Teitel. “Nobody has seen more phony injuries than Rhonda, and when it comes to spotting fake injuries she has always been one of our elite physical education teachers.” “I am excited to finally have the chance to give students the gift of physical activity both in and outside of the classroom,” Rosenthal said. “Never again will a student miss a precious oppor-
tunity to climb the stairs.” Rosenthal began patrolling the elevators almost immediately after her appointment, and in an effort to “spruce up the environment to encourage activity,” Rosenthal altered the elevators.
“Never again will a student miss a precious opportunity to climb the stairs.” —Rhonda Rosenthal, Dean of Elevation Both staff elevators have been outfitted with speakers and a disco ball. “It’s for the staff’s fitness as well as the students,” Rosenthal said. “Now they can be burning calories by dancing their way up.” Rosenthal also uses the new elevator design to easily catch students who are faking injuries. “I let the power of the music overcome them,” Rosenthal
said.” The students who break out dancing are obviously not actually hurt, and as punishment they must attend a yoga session with me after school.” The new policy has fallen under harsh scrutiny by students who are actually injured. “I broke my leg last week,” junior Joaquin Pinto said. “When I went in the elevator I was compelled to tap my finger to the beat of the 1977 classic “Stayin’ Alive.” I was immediately accused of faking my injury and ejected from the elevator.” “Rosenthal kicked me out of the elevator as soon as I started dancing,” junior Andrew Xie said. “I have four broken teeth and an ingrown toenail. How does she expect me to make it to class on time without the elevator?” However, some students have come to enjoy Rosenthal’s new policies. “Ms. Rosenthal’s yoga sessions have changed my life,” sophomore Michael Sugarman said. “Girls never used to talk to me, but the group yoga lessons are a great way to force them to.” The Stuyvesant Faculty have been impressed by the success of Rosenthal’s program. “I have never seen the students wanting to use the stairs more than they do now,” said Principal Teitel. “I am now considering moving Rosenthal to the first floor entrance of the school. She will probably be more effective at keeping students out than the security guards anyway.”
Abe Levitan / The Spectator
Administration Cracks Down on Unauthorized Elevator Use by “Injured” Students
A student faking an arm injury was outed yesterday after being overcome by the urge to dance.