WHO’S A BULLY? The distinction between bully and bullied isn’t always clear. In a school environment, social hierarchy often determines these two positions, which isn’t always a good thing. “Bullies who are on the higher end of the social hierarchy are often liked by teachers, liked by administrators and so they often get a pass even though they’re harming other children in terms of their social relationships,” says Knack. Schiff says it can also be difficult to decipher the truth from multiple versions of an incident. Did a student trip another on purpose or was it truly an accident? “The question of intent can also be hard to judge, depending on the situation,” says Schiff. Kids can pretend they’re joking or teasing was misinterpreted and, based on their social status and whether or not they’re already viewed as troublemakers, they can often maintain their social standing because they are so well-liked within the school environment.
While the conscious awareness may not fully be there, Knack believes that those who bully understand that their behaviors reward them with social privilege, whether they’re fully conscious of it or not. “They definitely are trying to figure out how to maintain that power,” she says. Kids who are bullied often withdraw from activities, go from being talkative to quiet, experience fluctuations in grades — all red flags that parents need to be aware of — but what about the kids who are doing the bullying? If you notice that your child is suddenly getting a lot of extra attention from classmates, that could be a different sort of red flag, especially if that attention comes out of left field. “Some kids who are engaging in bullying behavior may react with more confidence,” says Knack. “Kids have a hard time knowing what to do with that extra attention. It can be hard because some of these (behaviors) we expect because they’re hitting puberty … but it’s important for parents to pay attention.” l
Parental Guidance If you suspect your child may be the bully: uAssess yourself. “It’s really important for parents to take some time for selfawareness,” says Clarkson University associate professor Jennifer Knack. Kids can pick up nuances from everyday life and copy behaviors. Reflect on how you talk about colleagues or relate to your friends and, if needed, “show a less aggressive way of interacting,” she says.
uRecognize that bullying doesn’t have one cause. There is not a onesize-fits all reason behind why someone bullies. “We’re quick as a society to point to parents and say, ‘This is your fault,’” says Knack. “Parents who are doing the absolute best we could expect still have kids who are picking up things from teachers, coaches or other kids.”
uTalk about what it means to be cool. As kids move into middle school, speak with them often about what it means to be cool within a peer group. Encouraging empathy can be helpful as kids begin to realize how their actions affect others. “Having those conversations helps your child learn to navigate situations without aggression,” says Knack.
One Teen’s Tale “The Survival Guide to Bullying” At age 8, Aija Mayrock became the target of her peers. “I had a lisp and a stutter,” she says. “Because I was bullied for the way that I spoke, I stopped speaking.” Because of social media, the bullying continued even after a move from New York to California. That’s when she told her parents. While she admits to feeling like the entire world was against her, she was determined to prevail. “I had these really big dreams for myself,” she says. “I wanted to be a writer, a performer. I allowed my bullies to take a lot from me, but I wasn’t going to allow them to take those dreams.” So Mayrock began to write. Her ideas manifested into a book, The Survival Guide to Bullying: Written by a Teen, which became an international bestseller. Now a speaker and activist, Mayrock credits her writing as the outlet that helped her heal. She encourages those who are being bullied to harness their creativity. “Don’t suffer in silence,” she says. “You truly are never alone.” — Kristen A. Schmitt
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