JUNK FOOD
Witches Among Us
Words Katie Mack
Double, double toil and trouble, Fire burn and cauldron bubble; Eye of newt and toe of bantam, badge of captain and F-4 Phantom! Such chants are most likely heard on the breeze blowing from the weekly Wiccan/Pagan ceremonies held at Lackland Air Force Base in San Antonio, Texas. Yes, it’s true, the U.S. Air Force has actually allowed witches and warlocks to infiltrate their ranks. This is due to the fact that, probably, their high priest, Tony Gatlin, has cast one of his famous hypnosis spells on Mark A. Welsh (the Third), General Air Force Chief of Staff. Shockingly, the Wiccan group was started over a decade ago, and has been slowly growing in legitimacy and in numbers. What started with 10 to 25 attendees, has grown into a following of 300 to 400 willing participants. It is certainly a sight to behold the digitalcamouflage-wearing officers, and cadets in their tiny caps and heavy boots, dancing with brightly colored ribbons around a May Pole, led by Gatlin in his black Dracula robe, which he may or may not have purchased at Party City.
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Gatlin told KENS 5, a local TV news station from San Antonio, “All Wiccans are witches, but not all witches are Wiccans.” Yeah, yeah, we get it Gatlin, enough with the crazy magic riddles, people want to know what is Wicca all about? Should we be worried? Are they having world-domination meetings with Satan? Are there going to be Witch-burnings I can look forward to? According to Gatlin and most Wiccan/Pagan sources, witches do not worship Satan, but they do cast spells. What kind of shit is this?! What is the world coming to!?
Run for your lives! Gatlin tries to reassure us that spells and magic are simply the means by which they practice their faith. “Magic is manipulating energy to make your will manifest,” Gatlin continues, “Christian faith may have prayer… we have things that we call spells that are akin to prayer.” Ok, Gatlin, answer me this, if witches actually do magic, then why are the Wiccan prisoners of California bringing up a lawsuit against the state for their own chaplain? You would think, if you could do magic, you wouldn’t be in prison… am I right? Wouldn’t you just go poof, and Shawshank Redemption yourself? But as of February 2013 there is an estimated 183 to 2,000 Wiccans in California jails. And that’s not the end of it! We may be seeing a wave of Harry Potterwannabes apparating all over the US! In Massachusetts, on May 17, 2013, another inmate brought up a lawsuit of his own against the state claiming that they denied him access to objects necessary to his faith, which included cakes of dragon’s blood resin, hazelnuts and Mugwort ritual tea. There’s no denying it, witches are living among us, you might even be one and you don’t even know it yet. As for me, I’m anxiously awaiting my eleventh birthday and my invitation to Hogwarts!