OUT OF THE HAT Let’s put an end to this great big hadeda about nothing.
G
ather around, fellow Stanfordians, for we have a most vexing issue that must be honestly addressed. No, not the thorny question of whether or not old Ted wears a wig. Hear ye, hear ye the hadedas? I thought so. I have your undivided attention. Well, I would if it were not for that unbearable racket assaulting you from above. What are we to do? There is a Stanfordian of my close acquaintance who has no further use for her alarm clock. For, every morning just afore the sun peeks over the mountains, the fearsome shriek of the hadedas (birdus horriblis squawkae) blasts through her bedroom as they take wing from the trees on the lettuce farm side of the river, pausing only to drop their guts on the turrets and spires of Castle Herriot in Adderley Street before smugly flapping off over the R43 to wherever they go to infuriate others. It is at this point that I should declare my love for birds. My heart skips a beat when a bird of iridescent hue alights on a nearby branch. Malachite sunbirds take my breath away. The beauty of Malachite kingfishers almost evokes tears of joy. If there were a ‘Malachite sparrow’ I’m certain I would decant extra seed onto my bird feeder. When I lived in Durban, I had a large backgarden aviary and doted on my avian flock. I’m not too modest to announce that I won awards for breeding rare species in captivity. I got up during the night to hand-feed barelyfeathered fledglings whose mothers had fallen off their perch. Ah, Durban. Hadedaville. There, the Grand Order of the Unruly Squabble of Hadedas
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meet daily to assign 30 of their number to which it might belong. each rooftop just to ensure that no baby The ensuing din then causes 1,056 hadedas sleeps, no housewife watches The Bold and to fly off in search of another tree in which Beautiful unmolested, no dog grabs 40 winks to squat and examine their bums, a move on a hot and humid arvie. They are that evil. requiring them all to want to sit in exactly the But the prehistoric-looking, beady-eyed skysame spot on the very same branch. This, wailers did not bother me as much as they in turn, brings about a most unedifying rort do here in about which of Stanford. them got there first. Why? Well, And, I must ask, In Durban one’s hearing is continuously it’s obvious. assaulted by the white-noise brrrmm why is it that when In Durban, one of them shows of several million electrical household one’s a bit of initiative appliances and the roar of a few hundred hearing is and flies off on its continuously VW Golfs being over-revved as hijackers own, perhaps to assaulted actually shop for hurtle home after another fruitful day’s work some food for its by the white-noise young instead of brrrmm of several million electrical household just sitting around arguing about it, do the appliances and the roar of a few hundred VW rest tag along, screeching to their cousins in Golfs being over-revved as hijackers hurtle Caledon about what they’re doing, where home after another fruitful day’s work. they’re going and why they’re doing it? But in our little village, apart from the I’m sorry. They have to be stopped. And, I reassuring clanging of the church bells and can now cheerfully report, there is hope. As the very occasional roar from Hennie’s should an old journo who likes to scratch around the the Bulls manage to win (and I’m deliberately dark underbelly of Stanford, I am not talking not mentioning Mr Hutton’s parrots here, out from beneath my tail feathers when I say OK?), all is blissfully quiet. that the word in a certain dark corner of a Until, that is, one of the squillion hadedas certain public hostelry is that plans to hold a decides to peck at its behind. One would hadeda hunt are already well underway. hope that this seemingly minor event would I’m no fan of the propensity of the kilt-clad pass unnoticed. But, no, a hadeda attempting aristocracy to clear Scottish skies of the to prise free a flea from its nether regions relatively taciturn grouse but, in this instance, never fails to prompt an all-encompassing I wish all power to the elbows of our hadeda and ear-deafening inquisition from all of the hunters. Fred Hatman other hadedas, presumably inquiring after * Please send your comments to further details such as the size of the flea, the fred@fredhatman.co.za exact position of it and the specific species to