Babes In The Wood (Bartlett) by Stagescripts Ltd

Babes In The Wood A pantomime by John Bartlett

Babes In The Wood by John Bartlett © John Bartlett 2004. All Rights Reserved This e-script may not be copied or transcribed by any means electronic, optical or mechanical without the prior permission of the copyright owner or his agent. Photocopying this script without a suitable license is strictly prohibited. This play is a work of fiction. Names and characters are the product of the author’s imagination and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. ‘Babes In The Wood’ by John Bartlett is fully protected under the international laws of copyright which are enacted in the UK as the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. The right of John Bartlett to be identified as the author of the work has been asserted by him in accordance with the above Act While every precaution has been taken in the preparation of this pantomime, the publisher assumes no responsibility for errors or omissions, or for damages resulting from the use of the material contained herein.

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Publication History:

January 2012 :

First Edition

Stagescripts Ltd Registered in England and Wales No. 06155216

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SE-0266

(Rev A)

Characters (Max cast : 12m, 3f, 21m/f

doubling/trebling possible)

Principals : (6m, 3f, 4m/f) * denotes singing role Dame Droopy (m) - a nursemaid in the household of Sir Basil Sage And Onion (unseen) Tig (m) - Sir Basil’s cheeky young son *Marion (f) - Sir Basil’s beautiful daughter Ebenezer (m) – a Swineherd *Tom (m) – Ebenezer’s son * Robin Hood (m) * Maid Marion (f) – Robin’s heart-throb; confusingly she has the same name as Sir Basil’s daughter Dim (m/f) Dimmer (m/f) Nail (m/f) Plank (m/f) The Demon (m) Fairy Fluff (f) – a fairy with a West Country accent Support : (6m, 17m/f) Little John/Joan (m/f) Alan a Dale (m) Friar Tuck (m) Will Scarlett (m) Longshanks (m/f) Person 1 - 13 (13 x m/ f, but could easily be doubled/trebled) Simon (m) Bob (m) The Crow’s Voice (m/f) Bruin – a pantomime bear, non-speaking (m/f)

Music Act 1 #1 #2 #3 #4 #5

A Song and Dance routine for the Chorus Solo: A Song for Tom (proud of his past, but concerned for his future) Duet: A Love Song and Dance for Tom and Marion A Short Bird Dance for the Chorus Playout (Director to choose)

Act 2 #6 #7 #8 #9

Duet: A Song and Dance Routine for Robin Hood and Maid Marion A Fairy Dance Finale / Triple Wedding Playout (Director to choose)

Set A single set is all that is required. Details are given in the stage directions for Act One, Scene One.

Babes In The Wood ACT ONE Scene One - The Immortals A woodland scene with Nottingham Castle in the distance. The set comprises a wishing well, a large oak tree, a few bushes, and a thatched woodland cottage with a single practical door. The tree has a hole on it high up, sufficient for a practical puppet crow to stick out of. The scene begins with the lights dimming to the sound of ‘tinker bells’, a tiny beam of light is discerned flitting amongst the trees, laughter is heard coming from behind the oak tree. With a silver flash, the Good Fairy enters.

Fairy Fluff

‘Ere oi be, good old fairy fluff Oi do magic and that kind of stuff Oi put the dew in the dew drops And the fizz in Mum’s alcopops. When it rains Oi makes the flowers grow And Oi’m the one that paints the rainbow Oi like to sing and dance all day long An’ it really don’t matter if Oi gets it all wrong. Cos’ nobody knows it’s wrong ‘cept me An’ Oi don’t mind one little bit, you see.

She sings and dances a silly ‘Fairy Song’ (eg ‘Mairzee Doats And Dozy Doats’)

There what do you think of that Oi didn’t forget nufink an Oi didn’t sing flat Now Oi feel all of a quiver with dread and woe Oi feel a tingling from my head to my toe. There’s something nasty coming this way Oi’ll hide behind this tree ‘til it’s gone away. She hides behind the tree, there is a flash and the Demon enters.

Demon

Ha! Ha! Ha! I’m the evil demon of the wood I’d give you all a pinch if I possibly could If I had the time I’d tweak your noses Then with my big feet I’d stomp all over your toeses But wait I’m feeling a funny sensation It’s something sickly and good if I’m not mistaken Now am I right or am I wrong It’s coming from over here, a horrible fairy pong (He chases the fairy out from behind the tree).

Fairy Fluff Demon Fairy Fluff

Demon

I might have known it was you Making the place untidy and spoiling the view Oi was having a lovely day until you turned up Oh go and stick your head in a buttercup What are you doing in my wood anyway? Oi’m just making sure the Babes don’t get lost and stray Oi’ve made a promise that Oi cannot break Oi’m looking after them for old Dame Droopy’s sake Old Dame Droopy drawers! What on earth for Those children are really a bore They’re spoilt brats I do decree They don’t believe in Santa, let alone me 1

Fairy Fluff Demon Fairy Fluff Demon

Fairy Fluff Demon

Well maybe that’s true and maybe not But a promise is a promise … What! Oi never breaks a promise no matter how tiny Pooh! A typical fairy … all perfect and shiny Well I can tell you right now You’ll break your promise of this I vow Good shall always win as you shall see Oh yes! Well in the meantime look after this flea

He picks a flea out of a match box and puts it on the fairy who instantly starts scratching.

Fairy Fluff Demon

Oooh! That was a really nasty thing to do Oi’m all itchy and scratchy from my head to my shoe Ha! Ha! Ha! That’s nothing, just watch me now (He throws the box of fleas over the audience).

Fairy Fluff

I’m so evil I must take a bow With my fairy wand Oi’ll make things right Be gone all fleas and hide out of sight Now you horrid demon of the wood A statue you shall be right where you’re stood (She waves her wand and the Demon instantly becomes a statue).

So much for you and your nasty way You see, being evil really doesn’t pay Bye bye everybody, don’t worry or grieve I’ll see you all later, but now I must leave She exits. However as soon as she is out of sight the Demon comes back to life.

Demon

She’ll have to do better than that, I’m a demon from hell Ha! Ha! Ha! I kept my fingers crossed during her spell So she’s pledged to look after the Babes in the Wood This is my territory along with Robin Hood If it’s a fight she wants, she’s in the right place For I’m evil and wicked and really quite base

He exits, laughing his demonic laugh.

Scene Two - The Swineherds The door of the cottage opens, and Tom, the Swineherd’s son enters. He yawns and stretches.

Ebenezer Tom

Ebenezer

(Offstage). What’s the point of having a dog and wagging your tail yourself! Go and

get some water from the well, you good for nothing nu nu! Nu nu? Well I like that, it’s all right for you lying there like Lord Muck! (An old boot flies on stage from the open door narrowly missing him). All right, all right keep your hair on, if you had any! … Miserable old so and so. (He sees the audience for the first time). Oh hello everybody … come on you can do better than that! My names Tom … hello everybody! (This continues until the shouting is suitably loud enough). Oh, that’s enough of that! I’m so glad you’re all here, it can get very lonely in the woods all on your own, well that’s not strictly true, I do have my father, but well, he’s not exactly a bundle of fun … in fact between you and me, he’s a mean cantankerous, miserable, good for nothing, stingy old … old duffer! (Offstage). Tom! Where’s that water, I want some tea. 2

Tom

Ebenezer Tom

(Shouting off). Why don’t you use it to have a wash! He’s really dirty; I’ve never

known anybody to be so smelly. He never has a bath, in fact he never washes at all! Not like you lot, I can see your mummies and daddies scrub you behind the ears and wash you between the toes and pick all the fluff out of your belly buttons, yes you all look spick and span! (Offstage). Tom! Oh don’t mind him, his bark is worse than his bite. Are you all looking forward to Christmas? Are you? (Continue until a suitable response from the children has been established). I know I am, well I think I am. I’ve never had a present, you see, well not a proper present, but you never know maybe this year I’ll get one. I did get a new pair of socks once, but as I’ve never had any socks before, I’ve never worn them, look. (He produces a pair of babies socks). My Mother gave them to me, that is before she went away. Oh well never mind, I hope she’s happy wherever she is … but … well, sometimes I can’t help wishing that …

The Demon enters.

Demon Tom Demon Ebenezer Tom

Demon Tom Demon Tom Demon Tom

Hello, young Tom. Oh hello, you made me jump! How do you know my name, and why are you so red? I’ve been sitting by the fire? Oh, just a lucky guess I suppose. (Offstage). Tom will you hurry up and fetch that water, I’m dying of thirst in here! Whoops, I forgot about him. Coming! Sorry, it’s nice talking to you but I’ll have to go, my father wants water from the well. If I don’t make his cuppa I’m for the high jump. Let me help you. (They cross to the well). Tom, you know when you were about to wish that your mother would return … Did I? Yes you did. Now Tom, have you ever considered that this might be a wishing well. Oh I don’t know about that, I’ve lived here all my life and … Try it, you never know, this time your wish might come true. Go on shut your eyes, make a wish and see what happens. (To the audience). What do you think? Shall I do it everybody, shall I? I mean it can’t do any harm can it? Well here goes nothing (He shuts his eyes). I wish … I wish that all my dreams would come true. (While he is wishing, the Demon makes a spell and disappears. Tom, lost in a world of his own, is not aware that his father, fed up with waiting, is creeping up on him. Ebenezer clips him around the ears). Ow! Well that’s not exactly

Ebenezer Tom Ebenezer Tom Ebenezer Tom Ebenezer Tom

what I expected! Where’s he gone? Where’s who gone? There’s nobody here except you and your silly day dreams! Now young feller me lad, where’s my water! Sorry father, I was talking to this funny man and … well he seems to have vanished. I’ll give you funny man, come here! All right! All right! I won’t be a tick. (He pulls up the bucket). Hey that’s odd, there seems to be something in the bucket. Water, I hope! No, it’s something else. What is it? Give it to me! (He snatches the bag). Bah! It’s empty! (He throws it back). Just a minute, what’s this (Reading the label). This bag is full of wondrous delight Any wish granted no matter how slight The bag will deliver what you require Just make a wish for your desire.

Ebenezer Tom Ebenezer Tom Ebenezer Tom Ebenezer Tom Ebenezer Tom Ebenezer Tom Ebenezer Tom Ebenezer Tom Ebenezer Tom Ebenezer

I’ve never heard of anything so ridiculous! If you believe that then you’re a bigger fool than I thought you were. Now throw it away and make my tea, I’m parched! No, not yet, I mean there’s no harm in trying is there? Besides, if it is true, unless I make a wish I’ll never know, will I! Go on then, dunderhead! I wish er … I wish um … I wish … I wish you’d stop wishing! I wish for the best gob-stopper in the world. A gob-stopper! Of all the ludicrous, idiotic, stupid things to wish for! I don’t think so, I had one once and it was brilliant, it was all different colours and it lasted for ages and ages, so there! Well if you ask me it’s a complete waste of time anyway! Dad … look! (He excitedly looks in the bag and pulls out a gob-stopper). Bah! I don’t believe it, you put it in there yourself! No I didn’t! Where would I get a gob-stopper from? You never buy me anything! Well wish for something else. All right, I wish for a er um … I wish for a, a … um er I wish … Oh, for heavens sake I wish for a … A lobster! A lobster? Why a lobster? What do you want with a lobster? Nothing, but as you don’t believe in the bag it doesn’t matter does it? A lobster indeed! Well I’ll prove to you, that this is just an ordinary old bag! (He puts his hand in the bag and immediately reacts with pain as he tries to shake the lobster off). Yeee-ow! (Trying to remove the lobster, he runs around the stage, finally making his exit into the cottage).

Tom

I knew it! I knew it! Silly old duffer … serves him right! What shall I wish for now? I know, I’ll wish for a bag of sweets. (He reaches into the sack and takes out a bag of sweets). Here we are! Who wants one? Hands up! There we are, one for you, catch and one for you up the back etc.

Enter Ebenezer minus the lobster.

Ebenezer Tom Ebenezer Tom Ebenezer Tom Ebenezer Tom Ebenezer Tom Ebenezer Tom Ebenezer Tom Ebenezer Tom Ebenezer

Give me that bag! Why should I? Because it’s a menace that’s why! Hey dad, where’s your friend? Friend? What friend? Your pet lobster of course. Humph! Never you mind. Aw, go on dad, tell us what you did with it. (To the audience). We all want to know, don’t we? Well, first of all I chased it with a broom. Oh yes, and then what happened? I put it in the guzzunder. Guzzunder? What’s a guzzunder? Guzzunder the bed! Oh I see, well mind you don’t forget it’s there otherwise you might get nipped in the bud! I’ll nip you in the bud in a minute, now give me that bag! (He snatches the bag out of Tom’s hands and dances around with glee). We’re rich! We’re rich! Rich? That’s rich coming from you! How can we be rich? Don’t you see, you dinny boy! 4

Tom Ebenezer Tom Ebenezer Tom Ebenezer Tom Ebenezer Tom Ebenezer Tom Ebenezer Tom Ebenezer Tom Ebenezer

No I don’t see; all I see is that we are extremely poor and the only way to make a living is to keep pigs in the forest, and we’re not very good at that either! Oh give me strength! How did I end up with a complete nincompoop for a son, that’s what I want to know! Well if that’s the way you want it, how did I end up with a miserable, useless, stingy, and good for nothing old goat for a father! Look, you lug brain, with this bag I found, I can ask for anything I want. Excuse me? Who found? Well, you know what I mean. You’ve changed your tune; five minutes ago you didn’t believe in it at all! Well, I’ve changed my mind. I can have a position in life; power, money … I can be whoever I want to be. Look Dad, I don’t want to spoil your fun, but don’t you think this has all gone to your head; it will all end in tears you know. Poppycock! (A hunting horn is heard off stage). Oh look out; it’s Robin Hood and his band of merry men. Let’s go inside in case he steals my bag. Why would he do that? He’s always been very good to us … besides, he only steals from the rich to give to the poor. Yes but things have changed, now we’re the rich! But he doesn’t know that, and anyway we’re not rich yet. Yes, well, I don’t want to take any chances, and besides there’s a few things I want to wish up in private. Such as? Well we could do with a new Sheriff for a start!

Exeunt.

Scene Three – Sherwood Forest MUSIC #1: A SONG AND DANCE ROUTINE

FOR THE CHORUS

Enter Robin Hood.

Robin Hood

Longshanks Robin Hood Longshanks Robin Hood

Well met, well met, my merry band of outlaws. (General cheering from the chorus: “It’s Robin!” or “ Where have you been?” etc). Well my merry men, what luck have you had on the roads today? I shot a dappled deer in the forest. (Mock horror). Oh no, not one of King John’s special deer? (Bowing). The very same! Well done, Longshanks!

General cheering.

Friar Tuck Robin Hood Friar Tuck Robin Hood Friar Tuck Robin Hood Friar Tuck Robin Hood Little John Robin Hood Little John Merry Men

We delayed the Abbot’s coach! (Mock horror). Shame on you! And what prey, did you purloin? Oh nothing special, just a bag of gold … (more cheers) a few rings, (cheers) and an enormous picnic hamper, with enough food to feed half of Nottingham! (Cheers). Tut! Tut! And what did you leave the poor old Abbot? His dignity of course! Oh, and a chicken leg! What? Not a whole one I hope! Why certainly, I wouldn’t want to be greedy now, would I! (General laughter). And what about you Little John, what have you brought to the party? Strange tidings indeed. How so? I’ve been to Nottingham. “Nottingham!”, “That’s dangerous”, “You were lucky you weren’t caught”, etc. 5

Robin Hood Little John Merry Men Little John Merry Men Little John Merry Men Little John

And what did you find out? Mysteries of mysteries. “Come on tell us!”, “What’s happened?”, (etc). Well it seems that suddenly, completely out of the blue, the Sheriff received an urgent proclamation from London. “What did it say”, “What was in it?”, (etc). There’s more … It was written in the King’s own hand! “Good heavens!”, “Really”, (etc). It seems, that somehow the Sheriff has blotted his copy book! By King John’s command, he’s been sacked and must return to London without delay!

General cheering.

Robin Hood Little John Robin Hood

Merry Men Robin Hood

We certainly live in peculiar times! What is the cause of these strange tidings? That’s the mystery, it appears the Sheriff has no idea whatsoever what he has done to upset the King. Well, ours not to reason why, but better the devil you know, than the one you don’t! We shall see what we shall see but in the mean time, where’s old Ebenezer he’s usually on the scrounge for something! “Don’t give him anything!”, “He doesn’t deserve it!”, “He’s probably asleep!”, “Lazy old so and so!”, (etc). Enough! Enough! It takes all sorts to make a world; besides Tom is a good lad who deserves better. Will, knock on the door and see if you can rouse him.

Will Scarlet knocks on the cottage door.

Will Scarlet Robin Hood Will Scarlet Robin Hood Longshanks Alan a Dale Longshanks Robin Hood

There’s no answer, Robin. Try again, Will. (Knocking harder). There’s still no reply. It’s unlike Ebenezer to be tending his pigs at this hour of the day. It’s unlike Ebenezer to be tending his pigs at any hour of the day! Tom does all the work anyway. I think Ebenezer is more like a pig, than a pig! (General laughter). Little John, you try … but not too loud in case you break the door down.

Little John knocks on the door with his quarter-staff.

Little John Robin Hood Alan a Dale Robin Hood

The devil himself would have heard that. Well as miraculous as it seems, Ebenezer and Tom must be out! Either that or the old duffer’s gone deaf. Leave him food and some money. (A horn is heard offstage). Someone comes; away, away! Until we meet again at the old hollow oak, to feast and make merry.

Robin and his merry band of outlaws slip back into the forest from whence they came.

Scene Four - The Swineherds Cottage As the outlaws disappear the cottage door tentatively begins to open, Ebenezer and Tom speak through the crack.

Ebenezer Tom Ebenezer Tom Ebenezer Tom

(Offstage). Have they gone? (Offstage). Yes. (Offstage). Good. (Offstage). Dad, why are Robin Hood’s men, merry? (Offstage). Have you seen them lately? If I were Robin Hood think I’d be merry too! (Entering). Look I’m really not sure about this.

Ebenezer

I’ve told you before, never look a gift horse in the mouth! (He enters. A transformation has occurred, for both he and Tom are dressed in the clothes of rich noblemen. Miraculously, Ebenezer has turned into The Sheriff of Nottingham). How do I look?

Tom Ebenezer Tom Ebenezer Tom Ebenezer Tom Ebenezer Tom Ebenezer

Tom Ebenezer Tom Ebenezer Tom

Like a dog’s dinner! I feel really uncomfortable in this lot, just like a trussed up turkey! Which reminds me, why is turkey popular at Christmas time? I don’t know, why is turkey popular at Christmas time? Because the weather’s warmer! (He laughs uproariously at his own joke). Is that supposed to be a joke? It’s terrible! Who’s never hungry at Christmas? How should I know? It’s definitely not me, I know that! The turkey, because he’s always stuffed! (He laughs loudly at his own joke once more). What’s got into you? I’ve never heard you make jokes before. I’ve never had reason to! That was an absolute brainwave of mine wishing up that hand written letter from King John! If only I could have seen the look on the Sheriff’s face! Well, you never know, you still might! All I need to finish my costume off is the Sheriffs badge and chain of office. I’m still not sure about this. Shut up and either give me the bag or do as I say. OK, on your head be it! I wish for the Sheriffs chain of office.

Tom takes the chain of office out of the bag and gives it to Ebenezer who puts it on.

Ebenezer Tom Ebenezer Tom Ebenezer Tom Ebenezer Tom Ebenezer Tom

Ebenezer Tom

There, what do you think? I think you look ridiculous! Don’t be such a spoil-sport! You’ll never get away with it, never! Of course we will, with this bag we simply can’t fail! Mmmm! Oh, stop your havering; Nottingham awaits! What about our little cottage? Oh, bother the cottage ... I hope I never see the wretched place ever again! Now hurry up! You go on, I just want one last look at the old place. I know it’s not much but it has been our home for as long as I can remember and I’m, well, I’m rather fond of it, you see. Oh please yourself, but don’t be long! (He exits). I won’t.

MUSIC #2: A SONG FOR TOM Tom

I must take one last look inside. (He exits into the cottage).

Scene Five - A Love Match Made In Heaven Fairy Fluff

That old Demon thinks Oi’m caught Things aren’t turning out as Oi thought But Oi’m not beaten, no not at all He’s the one heading for a fall And even though the Sheriff he did betray Old Ebeneezer thinks he’s won the day But poor trusty Tom is true to his heart For with his honesty and faith he will not part 7

A reward shall be his, Oi do declare But that Demon must not meddle, he wouldn’t dare Oi must put moi thinking cap on straight This must go right, its young Tom’s fate Tom wished for all his dreams to come true The Demon can do magic and Fairy Fluff can too She waves her wand to the sound of tinkling bells. Satisfied, she skips offstage. The door of the cottage opens, and Tom enters.

Tom

That’s funny, I feel all sort of tingly, almost as if something special is about to happen. I suppose it’s because I’m leaving the cottage behind. Oh well never mind. I wrote this whilst I was inside. (Reading). “Gone away, cottage to rent, free of charge. Must be careful owner! Kind regards, Tom. PS I really loved this place”.

Enter Marion , peering over her shoulder as if she is being chased.

Marion Tom Marion Tom Marion Tom Marion Tom Marion Tom Marion

Tom Marion Tom Marion Tom Marion Tom Marion Tom Marion Tom Marion

Tom Marion Tom Marion Tom

Oh, hello. Gosh! What’s the matter, you look as if you’re catching flies or something. Gosh! What? Look, what are you doing in the forest? Do you know the people that live here? (Tom nods his head, indicating ‘yes’). What’s the matter, can’t you speak? Gosh! I’ve not seen you around the castle before, where do you come from? I, er …I, er … Gosh! You don’t say very much do you? (Quickly). Golly! Gosh! Exactly! You know, in your own sweet way I think you are rather good looking. Yes, now I come to look at you properly, I think you’re very handsome! (Tom is about to say ‘Gosh’ once more, but she stops him by putting her finger on his mouth). Ah! No more ‘goshing’! Now listen, I don’t suppose you are going to the Annual Ball are you? No, it was stupid of me to mention it, but well, I’m going on my own you see and well, I was wondering if … oh, it doesn’t matter, I really shouldn’t be so forward, I’m always being told off for it and … I think you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen! Gosh! I would love to take you to the Ball, but I can’t. Why not, are you taking somebody else? No, it’s not that; I’ve never been to a Ball before you see, and besides, I haven’t been invited! Well that’s easily sorted out, here! (She gives Tom a ticket). That’s very kind but, but, but … But what? I still can’t go. Why not? Well, I can’t dance. You can’t dance! Of course you can dance, everybody can dance! It’s easy, look I’ll show you. (They take up a ballroom hold). Just follow me. One-two-three, one-two-three … that’s it! One-two-three … are you sure you’ve never done this before? No, never. We could do with some music. Music? You won’t find any music in the forest! I suppose we could sing. I suppose we could. 8

MUSIC #3: A LOVE SONG AND DANCE FOR TOM AND MARION Dame Droopy Tom Marion Dame Droopy Marion Tom Marion

(Offstage). Yoo-hoo! Coming … ready or not!

Who on earth is that? Oh, botheration! (Offstage). Come out, come out, wherever you are! It’s my old nanny, Dame Droopy. Aren’t you rather old to have a nanny? I know what you mean … I suppose she’s more like, er … well, I suppose she’s more like an old aunt really. My father went off to fight with King Richard years ago and ever since then she’s been looking after us. Tom I see. Marion Unfortunately, she still thinks I’m a child, which is why I’m supposed to be playing ‘kick the can’! Dame Droopy (Offstage). I’m getting warmer! Marion I’ll have to hide, otherwise I’ll never hear the end of it! Tom When will I see you again? Marion At the Ball, don’t forget, I’ll be waiting! (She begins to exit). Tom But I don’t even know your name. Marion My name’s Marion, what about you? Tom It’s Tom. Marion Thomas? Sir Thomas? What? Tom No just T… Dame Droopy (Offstage). Here I come! Marion Until the Ball! (She starts to run off, thinks better of it, and returns to give Tom a kiss before she exits).

Tom

Gosh!

Scene Six - In Comes The Dame Tig enters in a hurry.

Tig Tom Tig

Hi-ya kids! My names Tig, what’s yours? (Without waiting for an answer he speaks to Tom). Hi-ya what’s yours? Tom. Hi-ya Tom, want a fight? Can’t stop I’m hiding from old Droopy Drawers! Fight you later! See-ya; wouldn’t want to be ya! (He exits).

Enter Dame Droopy.

Dame Droopy (To audience). Hello! Hello! Stand by your beds, Old Dame Droopy’s here at last! I’ve been sat in my dressing room for the best part of a week … oh, all right at least half an hour! Oi! You! I know you’re out there, the next time you write one of these extravagances I want to come on right at the beginning! No, don’t even think about giving me any of that back chat, I absolutely insist! (Seeing Tom for the first time). Who are you? Tom My name’s Tom, I used to live … Dame Droopy Very nice dear, but now I’m finally on (puts on a mock German accent) I vant to be alone. (Normal voice). So if you wouldn’t mind running along dearie, I’d much appreciate it! Tom But … Dame Droopy No buts dearie, just push off, there’s a good chap. Tom Well OK, I’ll see you later, page thirty-five, I think! Dame Droopy Page thirty-five? 9

Tom

That’s right, at least I’ve read the script, which is more than I can say for you! (He exits).

Dame Droopy Cheek! (Shouting after Tom). Mind the stairs. (A loud crash is heard offstage). Oh dear, what a shame. Mind you, if he’s broken his leg, he does have another one! (She laughs uproariously at her own joke). Now then dears, having a nice time are we? … Good, I’m glad to hear it. What goes snap, crackle, pop? … I’ll tell you next week, it’s a cereal! (She laughs). Talking of which, what do feet eat for breakfast? … Cornflakes! (She laughs). Oh, please yourselves! I expect you’re all wondering what a lovely, delectable, young lady like me is doing in a dirty old dump like this! Well, I’ll tell you … I know you’re all dying to know. I’m having a picnic with my two wonderful children … well, they’re not actually mine per-say, I mean I’m not their real mother at all. I did have a son once but … but, I think I’m going to cry. (She begins to sob uncontrollably). You see, old Sir Basil Sage and Onion ordered me to look after his two children while he went off to fight with King Richard. Well, I couldn’t refuse, otherwise I would have been thrown in the dungeon and pillaged! But that was years ago, and well, I’ve never seen Sir Basil or my little boy since! (She begins to blubber once more). Oh, well, that’s enough of that, we don’t want to overdo it now, do we! Where was I, oh yes I was telling you about my little boy … oh, he was a charming little chap, and so clever! He was walking at six months … the bottom fell out of his pram! Oooh! Just a minute, I’m getting that deja vu thingy, almost as if I’ve done this or been here before, you know what I mean? Just like when you ask the bank manager for a loan, and he says no! Come on, hands up, who’s been there? (Accusing the audience). I’m sure you have and you … Haven’t I seen you somewhere before? Don’t tell me, I never forget a face, I mean with a mug like that you wouldn’t would you! What’s that? Oh, you are the bank manager! I thought you looked familiar! Only kidding! Now listen, as I was saying, I’ve brought the two kids out for a picnic and we’re playing ‘kick the can’, but I’ve pinched the can! I don’t suppose you’ve seen them have you? … You have! Where did they go, over here? What over here? Down here? (etc etc) … I wish you lot would make up your mind. Look, I tell you what, would you help me? Would you? Right, if I put the can down here, if anybody comes sneaking up on it, perhaps you would tell me? You would? Fantasmic! I think we should have a little practise. I’ll pretend to sneak up on it and you shout “Droopy!”. OK? Here we go then, I’ll go and hide. (Before she exits, Tig enters and sneaks up on the can. The audience shout, and Tig runs off). No not yet, you’re too early, you’ve got to give me a chance to hide first! (Tig sneaks out as before and runs off as the audience shout). I don’t think you lot have got the hang of this, have you? Now listen, I’ll tell you once more! I’ll go and hide and when I’m out of sight, you shout “Droopy!” as loud as you can (At an appropriate moment during that, Tig comes sneaking and kicks her up the backside and runs off as before). Oooh! Who did that? Who? … I don’t believe you, you’re having me on! If you ask me there is something very odd about this wood! (Tig sneaks out once more, but before he can kick her, Bruin enters and sneaks up on Tig, kicking him up the backside. Tig in turn kicks her up the backside and runs off). Yeeeow! What’s that?

There’s a what? … I thought you said it was Tig! It’s a what … a bear? Don’t be ridiculous, bears only live in the woods … just a minute, I am in the woods! Right, bear or no bear, I’ve had enough of this! (She plays peek-a-boo with Bruin; as she goes one way, the bear goes the other way, etc). There’s nothing there! You’re having me on … there’s nothing behind the tree (She plays a bit of business here before Bruin captures her with a classic ‘bear hug’). Oooh! You’re so strong and hairy! Just a minute, how dare you go sneaking up on a poor innocent young girl like me … and don’t even think about taking advantage … well, I suppose you can think about it! (Bruin Robin Hood

continues to hug her). (Entering). If I were you I’d keep perfectly still! 10

Dame Droopy Oooh! I nearly jumped out of my skin! It’s bad enough being held prisoner by a carpet rug without you sneaking about. Who are you anyway? Robin Hood Robin Hood of Loxley, but most people call me Robin Hood. Dame Droopy Not Robin Hood the outlaw? Robin Hood At your service, the very same! Dame Droopy Help! Help! Heaven preserve me! Robin Hood You sound like a pot of jam. Dame Droopy And you look like a gooseberry. Robin Hood I’m sorry I didn’t realise I was playing gooseberry; I’ll leave you two in peace! Dame Droopy No wait! Can’t you do something about this wretched old flea bag he’s worse than my old mum’s whalebone corset and between you and me he could do with a bath! Robin Hood That depends. Dame Droopy Depends? Depends on what? Robin Hood On how much you are prepared to give me. Dame Droopy You Robin ba… Robin Hood Language! This is a family show! Now cough up or else! Dame Droopy Cough up! I’m not made of money … What do you think I am a fruit machine? Robin Hood More like an old fruit! Dame Droopy What a nerve! Now you listen here, sonny boy … if you get this flea bitten old carpet rug off me, I’ll make it worth your while. Robin Hood How much? Dame Droopy Well I was thinking more of an offer in kind. Robin Hood You must be joking! You’re as old as the hills, besides we wouldn’t be suited. Dame Droopy Oh, I don’t know, when I want to, I brush up quite well! Robin Hood Sorry, not interested … you’re just too old. Anyway, I’m the outlaw, and I don’t make bargains; besides I’ve got a job to do! Dame Droopy I doubt it. Robin Hood Look, I don’t have time for this, it’s my job to rob from the rich and give to the poor. Dame Droopy What makes you think I’m rich? Robin Hood I happen to know you live In Sir Basil’s castle, so you must be rich. Dame Droopy Absolute piffle! I’ll have you know my parents were so poor they had to share a room! Robin Hood Oh well have it your own way … Bruin! The bear squeezes harder.

Dame Droopy Oooh! Stop it … you’re making my colly’s wobble. Robin Hood You’re only making this harder on yourself. Dame Droopy You can tell this brute of yours he can squeeze as much as he likes, you won’t get a penny out of me, so there! Robin Hood Well in that case. Robin blows his horn. Enter Little John, Friar Tuck and Will Scarlet.

Dame Droopy Robin Hood Dame Droopy Little John Robin Hood Dame Droopy Friar Tuck Robin Hood Will Scarlet

Now what? I’d like to introduce you to some friends of mine … this is Little John. Pleased, I’m sure. How do. This is Friar Tuck. I’d shake hands, but I’m otherwise engaged. Charmed. And this is Will Scarlet. Bonjour, Madame. (He kisses her hand). 11

Dame Droopy Enchanté, Monsewer. Robin Hood Now boys, this young lady is loath to part with her valuables. Dame Droopy Quite right! I’m a good girl I am. My valuables might not be as new as they were, but they’re all in good working order. Robin Hood I’ve just about had enough of this! Now where do you keep them? Dame Droopy Oooh! Matron! That’s for me to know and you to find out. Robin Hood I intend to! Dame Droopy Oooh! You naughty boy, but I like you! (She manages to get an arm free and gives Robin a push). Cor, you lot are older than I thought you were! Robin Hood Well lads, there’s only one thing for it. Little John I knew you were going to say that. Robin Hood After three … three! All four of them sing ‘My Uncle Walter’ (a scout song).

Outlaws

My Uncle Walter goes dancing with bears Wha-wha-wha, Wha-wha-wha Dancing with bears Craggy bears Shaggy bears Saggy bears too …

The Dame is passed around the group until she is dizzy from dancing.

Dame Droopy Robin Hood Dame Droopy Robin Hood Dame Droopy Robin Hood Dame Droopy Robin Hood Dame Droopy Robin Hood Dame Droopy Robin Hood Dame Droopy Robin Hood Dame Droopy Robin Hood Dame Droopy Robin Hood Dame Droopy Robin Hood Dame Droopy Robin Hood Dame Droopy Robin Hood

Help! Help! Put me down you great big brute! Had enough? Never! (They continue with the song). I’ve come over all squiffy. Well? Well nothing! (They continue once more). All right! All right! I’ve had enough! Take it, take it all! It isn’t much, but you can have everything I’ve got! And about time too! I’m ready for you, do your worst! Just a minute, apart from this old fashioned sixpence, this purse is empty! Of course it is! I thought you said you were rich? No I didn’t! Did! Didn’t! Did! Didn’t … Robin, dear heart, before this goes any further, may I remind you, that you were the one that said I was rich, not me! So I did! You know for all the trouble you’ve caused me, I’ve a good mind to make you eat this worthless old sixpence! You wouldn’t! Oh yes I would! Oh no you wouldn’t! Oh yes I would! Oh no you wouldn’t! Oh yes I would! Oh no you … (Robin puts the sixpence in her mouth and holds her chin to make her swallow it). Ooo-er I’ve swallowed it! Can you see any change in me? Can I see any change in you! If I ever see you again it will be too soon! Come along lads we’re wasting our time here!

The outlaws exit, with Bruin. 12

Scene Seven - Picnic Capers Tig Hey, Droopy-Drawers … has it gone? Dame Droopy Where were you when I needed you? I’ve been held up, squeezed and forced against my will! Tig Is that what you call it! Sounds to me your boat’s come in! Dame Droopy Cheek! I’ll have you know, your poor old Nanny’s been robbed. Tig Robbed! You were robbed years ago! Dame Droopy I’ve been ravished by a highwayman and seduced by a bear! Tig Cor, that’s posh! Dame Droopy Pay attention will you, this is my big dramatic bit! Now where was I … Tig You were all bare and being seduced on the open highway! Dame Droopy I didn’t say that! I said I had been robbed by that robbin’ Robin Hood! Tig Da-de-da, da-de,da … (etc). He encourages the audience to sing the Robin Hood theme tune.

Dame Droopy You lot are not old enough to know that! Richard Green and I were like that, (she crosses her fingers) … like that we were! Those were the days, the Flowerpot Men … “Hello libble weeb!”… “Ah hello libble weeb!” … “Ah bub-bub!”… “Ah Bub-bub!” Tig Have you gone off your rocker? Dame Droopy “Rag,Tag and Bob-Tail” … “The Woodentops” … “Spot The Dog” Tig Where? (The Dame imitates Spot The Dog). That’s it; you’ve definitely lost your marbles! Dame Droopy Oh, the innocence of youth! Who remembers ‘Twizzle’ and what about ‘Andy Pandy’? Come along, hands up! I’m surprised you lot owned up to that! Who say’s panto is only for kids! This lot might have youth on their side, but us oldies, we’ve got… Tig Weight! Dame Droopy That’s enough of that! I know what we’ve got, we’ve got stamina! Tig Pah! Prove it! Dame Droopy Right! A challenge. I like nothing better than a challenge! We’re up to it, aren’t we! (She elicits a response from the audience). Yes of course we are! Right anybody who can remember Gene Pitney, The Shadows, Al Bowley… Tig Al Bowley? Dame Droopy Yes, Al Bowley! Tig Anybody who can remember Al Bowley deserves a telegram! Dame Droopy Well anyway, you lot are on my side then. Tig Right everybody who likes The Spice Girls, Steps, S Club 7, Westlife, Hearsay! Dame Droopy What say? Never heard of them, here today and gone tomorrow! Tig In other words anybody under twelve is on my side! Dame Droopy Why didn’t you just say so in the first place? Tig You started it not me! Who is going first? Dame Droopy First! What’s the challenge? Tig Er … I know, we’ll see which team can stand up and sit down the quickest! Dame Droopy If you ask me that’s biased and unfair. Tig Not up to it, eh? That means we win! Dame Droopy Oh no it doesn’t! Tig Oh yes it does! Dame Droopy Oh no it doesn’t! Tig Oh yes it does! Dame Droopy Oh no it doesn’t! Tig Oh yes it does! 13

Dame Droopy Tig Dame Droopy Tig Dame Droopy Tig Dame Droopy Tig Dame Droopy Tig Dame Droopy Tig Dame Droopy Tig

Dame Droopy Tig Dame Droopy

Tig Dame Droopy Tig Dame Droopy

Not so fast! Experience and wisdom over youth will always win! You’re having a laugh! We can beat this bunch of old fogies can’t we? Oh no you can’t! Oh yes we can! Oh no you can’t! Oh yes we can! Oh no you can’t! Oh yes we can! Well you had better prove it then, who’s going first! Age before beauty! Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I tell you what, we’ll toss for it! (To the audience). Has anybody got a coin we could borrow? … Thank you! Can I keep it? … You want it back, you miserable old skinflint. And make sure you do give it back! I’ve told you before about accepting money from shifty-looking strangers. Right tails we start, and … (she flips the coin) … tails it is! Brilliant! Right everybody in my team stand up and sit down as quickly as you can, on your marks, get set, go! (The younger members of the audience leap to their feet and sit down again.) . There … beat that! Piece of cake! Here we go, my team do your best, don’t let the side down. Get ready, get steady … go! Ha! Ha! Ha! … Absolutely useless! You lot couldn’t catch a sleeping tortoise! Well, you youngsters might be slightly quicker on your pins than those of us who are, let’s say, more mature in years. But, as I said before, experience will always win the day! Says who? Says me! Go on then prove it! Well I bet you even stevens, your team can’t do this without making a muddle of it. (She holds her nose with her left hand and holds her left ear with her right hand and then alternates it - right hand to nose, left hand to right ear. Whilst she performs this feat of dexterity she encourages her team to join in). Come along everybody, come along. That’s it, you can do it! … (etc).

That’s easy-peasy, lemon-squeezy! Come on then gang, you can do it! We’ll show them! Ready? … go! Dame Droopy Ha! Ha! Ha! You look like a bunch of demented monkeys! Tig All right you win … I suppose! That makes it one all! It’s not fair; I’ve never been any good at that sort of thing! Dame Droopy Oh well, never mind, dear; we can’t be experts at everything now can we? Tig Hey what’s for lunch? I’m starving. Tig

Enter Marion. She creeps up on the can and kicks it.

Marion Tig Marion Dame Droopy Tig Dame Droopy Tig Dame Droopy Tig Dame Droopy

One, two, three, in! I was here first, that’s cheating. Tough you should have kicked the can! I’m the winner, so there! She does have a point! Pooh! Where? Beaten by a rotten old girl! Oh, never mind sibling rivalry, let’s have our picnic, I’m starving! Sizzling what? You wouldn’t understand. Marion, get the picnic basket, I left it over there, behind the tree. 14

Tig Hey, Nanny, me old fruit! Dame Droopy That’s the second time today I’ve been called an old fruit! A bit less of the old, if you don’t mind! Tig Have you heard the one about the fight in the biscuit tin? Dame Droopy No but I’m going to. Tig Well the ‘Bandit’ hit the ‘Yo-yo’ with a ‘Blue Ribbon’ and got away in a’ Taxi’! Dame Droopy (Shaking her head). I might have known! Now help your sister unpack the picnic! Oooh! I’m really looking forward to this. Tig Me too! Cold pizza! Dame Droopy Eggy sandwiches! Tig Shortly followed up with an eggy far… The Dame claps her hand across Tig’s mouth.

Where’s your manners, there are children present! There’s nothing wrong with the odd bottom burp now and then! Tig! Oh, shut up you; little miss goody two shoes! Now, now, let’s all be nice to each other shall we? What else have you brought? Sausage, jelly and cake, chicken, cheese sandwiches, marmite, ham, paté, sausage rolls, swiss rolls, a battenburg, a fruit cake, lemonade, cherryade, and boat loads of crisps and nuts! Tig Cor! Marion Look I don’t want to disappoint anyone, but I think there must be a mistake! Dame Droopy Mistake? What do you mean mistake? I packed it all myself! Marion Well take a look yourself. Dame Droopy Tig Marion Tig Dame Droopy Tig Dame Droopy

They gather round the basket. Tig pulls out a pair of the Dame’s knickers.

Tig Dame Droopy Tig Dame Droopy

I’m not eating that! Give me those! Oooh-er! There’s nothing in here but my smalls. Smalls? More like bigs! Bigs! I’ll give you a big clout in a minute! You couldn’t get a smaller pair of smalls than this!

Dame Droopy produces a tiny thong.

Eugh! You don’t wear those do you? What if I do, it’s none of your business anyway! Winter drawers on! I don’t want to interrupt or anything but, what are we going to do now, I’m starving! Nuts! Nuts to you too! We’ll just have to make do with nuts and berries. I think you’ve gone nuts! I don’t want nuts and berries! I want proper food and I want it now! Dame Droopy I want, doesn’t get! Tig If I don’t get something proper to eat I’ll have one of my tantrums, and you know I can, and I will too! Dame Droopy Don’t be such a spoilt brat! Tig Right that’s it! Dame Droopy You’ll only make things worse! Tig I don’t care. Tig Dame Droopy Marion Dame Droopy Tig Dame Droopy Tig

Tig has an amazing tantrum. Marion and the Dame hold their ears. 15

Marion That didn’t get you anywhere did it, and besides I’m still hungry! Dame Droopy We’ll just have to think of something else to take our mind off it. I know I’ll recite a Christmas poem. Tig Oh, all right if you must, but I’d rather have a sausage! Marion So would I! Dame Droopy T’was the night before Christmas and all through the house Not a creature was stirring not even a mouse The stockings were hung by the chimney with care … Tig & Marion They’d been worn all the week and they needed some air! Dame Droopy That’s not funny! Tig Knock knock! Dame Droopy Who’s there? Tig Igloo! Dame Droopy Igloo who? Marion and Tig together sing

Tig & Marion Igloo knew Suzie, Like I know Suzie … Oh, oh, oh, what a gal! Dame Droopy Tig Dame Droopy Tig Dame Droopy

Oh really! Knock knock! Who’s there? Snow! Snow who?

Marion and Tig sing together, the Dame joins in.

Tig & Marion There’s snow business like show business Like no business I know … Marion

This isn’t helping I’m still hungry!

A Crow appears in the hole in the trunk of the oak tree.

Crow Dame Droopy Marion Dame Droopy Crow Dame Droopy Tig Dame Droopy Crow Tig Marion Dame Droopy

Hey, what’s a bird got to do to get some sleep around here? Who said that? I don’t know. It must have been the wind. It’s an ill wind that blows no good! Right! I’ll get to the bottom of this if it’s the last thing I do! Definitely! … Your bottom is almost on the floor as it is! How dare you! I’ll have you know my bottom has been much admired! Who by, an elephant! Don’t look at me, I didn’t say a word. Neither did I! That’s it, nobody makes a monkey out of me and gets away with it … Split up! (They separate and creep around the tree, turning round and continuing backwards they bump into each other and fall into a heap. The crow watches from above). Can you see anything?

Tig No. Dame Droopy (To the audience). What about you lot? Did you see anything? … It was a what? … A bird! … What sort of a bird? … A crow! … Don’t be silly, crows can’t talk! It must have been something else. Crow Who says I can’t talk!

Dame Droopy Who said that? I must be hearing things. Marion, you stand watch. Tig, you look this way, and I’ll look the other. (They separate as before. However Tig only goes half way, before he changes direction. A chase ensues in which the Dame is chasing Tig and Tig is chasing the Dame, rather like a dog catching its tail. They obviously never quite catch up with each. The crow watches the proceedings with interest). Oooh! I’m more puffed than

Crow

pastry! I’ve gasted my flabber, I’m all of a tizz-woz! You’re all pooped out like a poopy thing!

As the light dawns they all slowly look up!

Dame Droopy Crow Dame Droopy Crow Dame Droopy Crow

Good heavens, a talking crow! So, what of it? Well it’s just I’ve … Just what? Come on, spit it out I haven't got all day! Whoever heard of a talking crow; parrots, yes … but crows, no! Don’t talk to me about parrots! (It sings a scout song). Crow Green and yellow Green and yellow Mother be quick, I want to be sick, Lay me down to die

Dame Droopy Crow Dame Droopy Crow Dame Droopy Crow Dame Droopy

Now look here… No you look here, give us a kiss! Certainly not! Who do you think I am! You look like an old buzzard to me! What a nerve! Go on give us a kiss! Why should I … besides, I’m not in the habit of kissing every Tom, Dick or Harry I meet! You could have fooled me! Only because you’ve never been asked! Now listen here you two, I’ll have you know, in my day, I was considered quite a beauty. When was that, 1066! I’ll throttle you in a minute! Aw, go on give us a kiss! Now what do you want a kiss for? Well, you never know, I might turn into a handsome prince, or something. I thought it was only frogs that turned into princes. Look out, I see no ships! You see no ships! What are you talking about? That’s what you say when you’re in the crow’s nest. If you ask me this bird is one sandwich short of a picnic. Picnic! Sandwich! We’re starving! We’re starving! Look out! Look out! There’s men about!

Tig Marion Dame Droopy Tig Dame Droopy Crow Marion Crow Dame Droopy Crow Dame Droopy Crow Dame Droopy Marion Tig Marion Tig Crow

The Crow disappears into his hole in the tree.

Scene Eight - Dim and Dimmer Dim Dimmer

(Off stage). Shhhh! You go that way and I’ll go this.

Which way? 17

Dim Dimmer Dim Dimmer Dame Droopy

That way! I thought you said this way. No, I said that way. Why don’t you make up your mind. Ooo-er I don’t like the sound of that … quick, hide!

The Dame, Tig and Marion ‘hide’ on stage. Enter Dim and Dimmer, dressed as two guards from Nottingham Castle. Dimmer has a false arrow sticking out of his helmet. They creep on, either side of the stage, and bump into each other. They immediately turn to fight or run.

Dim Dimmer Dim Dimmer Dim Dimmer Dim Dimmer Dim Dimmer Dim Dimmer Dim Dimmer Dim

Why don’t you look where you are going! Why don’t you! What’s that sticking out of your helmet? What this? (Proudly). It’s an arrow! I can see it’s an arrow, you clod-hopper! What’s it doing in your helmet? Shh, don’t tell anyone, but it’s my patent anti-outlaw device! Your anti-outlaw device! How does it work? Well, if we just happen to bump into ‘you know who’. No, I don’t know who. Yes you do, the dreaded hooded one. The who? (Looking this way and that, he whispers). Robin Hood! Shhh! don’t mention that name round here, you’ll end up with an arrow in your helmet or something! Exactly! Now if he turns up, I’ll just play dead. No change there then! You know, you’re not as stupid as you look, are you? (Looking at him). Oh, I don’t know though.

The Crow appears and sings the old Robin Hood TV theme tune. Dimmer leaps into Dim’s arms.

Crow Dimmer Crow Dimmer Dim Dimmer Dim Dimmer Dim Dimmer Crow Dim Crow Dim Dimmer Dim

Da-de-da; da-de-de; da-da-da, da-daah! It’s him! Why don’t you two clear off! (It exits). OK! Wait a minute, that’s not Robin Hood, it’s that tatty old crow! I’m not being ordered around by some stupid old bird … let’s get him! Right! Climb up on my shoulders and stick your hand in the hole and grab him! I might be stupid, but I’m not that stupid! I’m not going to stick my hand in some dirty old hole … not for you or anybody. Why not? Well it might bite me. (Offstage). You better believe it! Don’t be ridiculous; what are you a man or a mouse? (Offstage). Mouse! Oh never mind, I’ll do it. (Dim climbs up on Dimmer’s shoulders. He reaches into the hole and immediately reacts with pain). Yeee-ow! It bit me! Told you so. Come here you mangy, flea-bitten, good for nothing, stupid old bird. I’ll wring your wretched neck when I get hold of you.

Dim peers into the hole. The sound of ‘passing wind’ is heard. Dim reappears with ‘custard pie’ all over his face. The Crow appears in its hole.

Crow

Well, there’s mud in your eye! 18

Dim

Eughhh! I’m covered in sh… Crow

Dim Crow Dimmer

[Singing] … Shine

up your buttons with Brasso, Only three-happence a tin …

Just you wait till I get my hands on you! Temper, temper, temper! Look, we haven’t got time for this … Robin Hood might catch us at any minute! Besides, if we don’t capture Dame Droopy and those two brats of hers and bring them back to Nottingham Castle toot-sweet, the new sheriff will have our guts for garters!

The Dame, Tig and Marion peer out from their respective hiding places.

Dim Dimmer Dim Dimmer Dim Dimmer Dim Dimmer

You’re right, that new Sheriff is a bit of a monster! A bit of a monster! He’s more than that he’s a whole monster! I heard that he’s rack and pinioned half the town! If he carries on shouting like that he’ll blow a gasket and split his piston! But what does he want with old Dame Droopy; what has she ever done? She’s not paid her taxes, which is why we’ve been sent to fetch her back! Why us? Because you dimwit … No I’m not a dimwit, I’m just a Dim. The dimwits live over in (insert name of a locality).

Dim Dimmer Dim Dimmer Dim Dimmer Dim Dimmer Dim Dimmer Dim Dimmer Dim Dimmer Dim Dimmer

Shut up before I stick this where the sun don’t shine! Oh yeah, and where’s that? Up your jacksie! Now listen, we’ve been sent deep into the forest to fetch Dame Droopy back, because we are the pride of the regiment! I’ll say we are! When the sergeant asked for volunteers everybody cheered and took a step backwards, saying that we were the only men for the job! It’s nice to have mates! Yeah! Come on then let’s get on with the job. But what if she doesn’t want to come back … even if we say please! Of course she’ll come back, we’re not called Dim and Dimmer for nothing you know, our family name’s at stake. I like steak. But what’s he going to do with her when he has her in his evil clutches? Probably mangle her mango’s and … Mince her marshmallows! Split her seams! Guillotine her gizzard! Twist her tootsies! And flatten her falsies!

The outraged Dame gives the game away.

Dame Droopy How dare you! I’ll have you know this is all me … well most of it! If you’ve got it flaunt it that’s what I say! Dim There she is! Dimmer Get her! Dame Droopy Whoops! That’s torn it … Help! She runs around with Dim and Dimmer in hot pursuit.

Tig Dim Marion

Oi! Over here! There’s another one! Over here! 19

Dimmer

And there’s another!

A ‘grand chase’ takes place in which Dim and Dimmer are made to look dim and dimmer. Eventually they manage to capture the Dame, but Tig and Marion escape.

Dim Dimmer Dame Droopy Dim Dame Droopy Dimmer Dame Droopy Dim Dame Droopy Dimmer Dim Dimmer Dim Dimmer Dame Droopy Dim Dame Droopy Dim Dame Droopy Dim

Ha! Ha! Got you at last! You’re coming with us. That’ll be nice, it’s the best offer I’ve had all week. I just love a man in uniform! I don’t think you’ll like what we’ve got planned for you. But what have I ever done to you? Nothing, thank heavens! Cheek! In that case, unhand me at once. Sorry, can’t be done. Why not? Well we have our orders … nothing personal you understand. But we’ve got to throw you in the deepest … Deepest. … dungeon we can find. And then we’ve got to throw away the keys! But why, what have I done? You haven’t paid your taxes! Taxes! What taxes? I’ve never paid any taxes! Exactly! But … No buts! The Sheriff says that if you don’t cough up some cash asap, he’s going to confiscate Sir Basil’s castle and lands and make the whole lot of you homeless! Dame Droopy Oh you mean heartless, insensible, ruthless pair! But what about my two babes, we can’t leave them behind to shiver the night away in the forest. Dim Oh yes we can, besides it’s you we’re mainly after. Dimmer Yeah, one in the bush is worth two in the hand! Dame Droopy I beg your pardon! They hustle the Dame off stage.

Scene Nine - The Leaf Dance Marion and Tig enter. The Crow peers out of his hole.

Marion Tig Marion Crow Tig Crow Tig Crow Marion Tig Marion Crow Marion Crow

What are we going to do now? I don’t know. If we go back to the castle, we’ll be thrown into the dungeon! We’ll have to sleep here in the forest. I wouldn’t stay here if I were you! I wish you wouldn’t keep doing that! Doing what? Making me jump … we’re in enough trouble as it is. True, but I still wouldn’t stay here. Why not? Are the woods full of witches, ghosts and ghouls? Ghoulies don’t frighten me! No, it’s nothing like that. Well what, then? Oh nothing much … I just snore for England, that’s all. (It sings a couple of lines from ‘The Teddy Bears Picnic’).

Crow Tig Marion Tig Marion Tig Marion Crow Marion Crow Marion Crow Tig Marion

If you go down to the woods today You’ll be sure of a big surprise …

You’ll be in for a big surprise in a minute! Hey Sis, what about sleeping in that little house over there. I mean it does say …“Gone away, cottage to rent, free of charge.” Well I suppose we could but … What? Well as this is the first night of our adventure, wouldn’t it be exciting to sleep under the stars? No! Oh go on. I’ll tell you what, I’ll keep guard. Would you? Yeah, an’ if I see a ghost or a pair of Ghoulies, I’ll let you know! Oh, that’s really kind of you. Don’t mention it. I tell you what, I’ll even sing you a lullaby. It’s all right, don’t bother. Don’t listen to him, it’s really sweet of you but … (Fairy Fluff enters. She waves her magic wand. Tig and Marion yawn). I’m suddenly feeling ever so tired. I can hardly keep my eyes open I’m sure I’ll be asleep in a …

Tig, Marion and the Crow all fall into a deep sleep.

Fairy Fluff

This is not exactly what oi’d planned Things are getting out of hand Oi’ll have to think things carefully through But in the mean time I know what I’ll do. By the magic powers in my wand Protect these ‘babes’ in slumbers bond Keep them safe from anything nasty Wild animals, ghosts and all things ghastly. To keep them warm all through the night I summon those with the power of flight. (Several Chorus ‘birds’ fly on stage covering ‘The Babes’ with leaves).

Fly my pretties, collect some leaves Soar and swoop amongst the trees Cover the ‘babes’ from head to toe My work is done so now I’ll go. MUSIC #4: A SHORT BIRD DANCE FOR THE CHORUS When the ‘Bird Dance’ is complete the Demon enters and the birds fly away in fright.

Demon

I feel all of a shiver I need a cure There’s something afoot, of this I am sure Come you dark things of the night There are little children out there to fright. (Witches and monsters appear from different areas of the stage).

Fairy Fluff has cast a spell She’s kept us out so scream and yell! They scream and make frightful noises before exiting like banshees.

MUSIC #5: PLAYOUT 21

END OF ACT ONE INTERVAL ACT TWO Scene One - Outlaw Babes The scene opens with ‘The Babes’ asleep at the foot of the old oak tree. Enter Robin Hood , Maid Marion and the rest of the outlaws, they perform the opening number.

MUSIC #6: A SONG AND DANCE ROUTINE FOR ROBIN HOOD & MAID MARION Will Scarlet Robin Hood Will Scarlet Chorus Maid Marion Robin Hood Chorus Robin Hood Chorus Robin Hood Chorus

Hey Robin, look at this! What is it? Looks like visitors? “Where?”, “Kill them!”, “String them up!”, “Boil them alive!” (etc). Wait! They’re nothing but children, mere babes! Stand back all of you, let me see! Why I know them, its old Sir Basil’s youngsters. “String them up!”, “Boil them alive!”, “Boil their bones” (etc). Nobody is going to harm anybody! Now be quiet while I think what to do. “Brilliant!”, “Why didn’t I think of that!”, “That’s why Robin is our leader!” (etc). All of you be quiet! “Sorry Robin!”, “We didn’t mean to make so much noise”, “Sorry it won’t happen again!” (etc). Robin Hood Will you be quiet! Will Scarlet I didn’t say anything. Robin Hood No, not you Will … ALL OF YOU! I need to think! Nail I wish I could think. Plank And me. Nail I wonder what it’s like. Plank What? Nail Thinking of course, you big fat ninny! Plank Don’t you call me a big fat ninny, you ugly grease ball! Nail Grease ball! Robin Hood Excuse me. Nail & Plank Certainly Robin, how can we be of assistance? Robin Hood SHUT UP! Nail There’s no need to shout. Maid Marion Look boys, Robin just needs some time to mull things over that’s all. Why don’t you keep guard … I mean you never know but this could be an ambush or something. The outlaws instantly form a tight circle, squashing Robin and Marion in the middle.

Robin Hood Chorus Robin Hood Plank Nail Plank

That’s another fine mess you’ve got us into! Lads! Lads! Do as Marion says, spread out and keep watch. “We were only trying to help!”, “There’s no pleasing some people!”, “Why didn’t you say so in the first place!” (etc). Nail and Plank, you two stay here with me, the rest of you hide in the forest while I think of a plan! Why don’t you just wake them up? Don’t be so stupid that’s far too obvious! Sorry! 22

Nail Plank Maid Marion Robin Hood Nail Plank Nail Plank Nail Plank Nail Plank Robin Hood Nail Robin Hood Plank Nail

Dork! Sor… (Interrupting). But Robin, that’s it!

Of course it is why didn’t I think of that! Well done, Plank. Yeah, well done; I wish I had your brains. You just said I was stupid! Yeah but … And you said I was an idiot! I didn’t mean … And you called me a dork, you dork! I’ll bash you in a minute! Oh yeah, you can try! Lads! You want a knuckle sandwich too? Oh sorry Robin, I didn’t mean you. Just go over there and keep watch! I haven't got a watch to keep. He means guard the path, you wazzuck!

Whilst they are complaining Robin pushes them away.

Don’t call me a wazzuck, you dork! Dork! Cor that’s rich coming from you! Don’t they look sweet, they’re so peaceful it seems a shame to wake them. I know, but it has to be done. Robin, give me your hat. (She uses the hat’s feather to tickle Tig, who reacts as if there is a fly bothering him). Oh, what a little darling! Tig (Still half asleep). Move over you fat lummox, and stop pinching all the leaves! Marion I haven’t pinched all the leaves… (Seeing Robin for the first time). Oh hello, I suppose you must be Robin Hood. Robin Hood At your service. Marion Tig! Tig! Wake up we’ve got company! Tig I don’t want muffin today, I’d rather have porridge! Marion Tig! (She shakes him). Maid Marion It’s Robin Hood and Maid Marion. Tig Made Robin do what? (Finally waking up). Cor! Well I’ll be jiggered, a real outlaw! Marion Really Tig! What sort of an expression is that … Dame Droopy would be horrified! Robin Hood Dame Droopy! I’ve seen more of her lately than I want to! Tig Yeah, I know what you mean I saw her in the shower yesterday! Marion Tig! Maid Marion What are you doing sleeping in the forest? Tig We’re outlaws like you! Robin Hood Outlaws? Tig The new Sheriff even sent his men to capture us … Marion To put us in a beastly dungeon … Tig And throw away the key … Marion But we managed to give them the slip … Tig No we didn’t, we escaped! Maid Marion Why should the Sheriff want to do such a thing? Tig I don’t know, it was something to do with taxis. Marion Not a taxi, taxes! Apparently Dame Droopy hasn’t paid any taxes. Tig Ever! Marion And now the Sheriff is going to confiscate our home and everything in it. Plank Nail Maid Marion Robin Hood Maid Marion

Robin Hood Marion Tig Robin Hood Tig Plank Robin Hood

But Sir Basil, your father, is responsible for paying taxes not old Dame Droopy. I know, but since daddy went off to the Crusades, we haven’t seen hide nor hair of him. Yeah, not even a rotten old postcard without a stamp! That’s because postcards haven’t been invented yet. Oh, that explains it then. Robin, there’s somebody coming down the path! Quick; hide! You two had better come along with me.

As they make themselves scarce, Dame Droopy enters.

Dame Droopy Oh hello everybody! Are you enjoying yourselves? … You are … splendid. Not too full of ice cream? … Well, I’m glad you’re having a good time, because I’m having a terrible time! I’ve been insulted, attacked by a bear, dragged through a hedge backwards, carted off to prison and told to stand and deliver by that naughty Robin Hood. Silly boy, if he stood around long enough I would certainly deliver. I suppose you’re all wondering how I escaped. Well, Dim and Dimmer certainly live up to their name! The silly-billys left a table in the dungeon, so all I had to do was to give it a Miss Piggy karate chop and escape. Ah-ha! How did I do that, I hear you asking yourselves … well it was easy: two halves make a whole, and once I had a hole I just had to crawl through it, and here I am! I’m surprised I don’t cut myself I’m so sharp. Those two will have to get up earlier if they want to catch me! However for the minute I’ve given them the slip, it was too tight anyway, and now I’m on the run, a poor defenceless woman, alone in the world with no one to turn to. Oh, what am I going to do!? The Crow pops out of his hole.

Crow Dame Droopy Crow Dame Droopy Crow Dame Droopy Crow Dame Droopy Crow Dame Droopy Crow Dame Droopy Crow Dame Droopy Crow Dame Droopy Crow Dame Droopy Crow Dame Droopy Crow Dame Droopy Crow Dame Droopy

I’ve no idea; but when you do, can you do it somewhere else please, you’re giving me a headache! Not you again! ‘Fraid so, now push off before I call the police! Call the police! But you’re just an old crow that lives in a tree! A bit less of the old, and anyway it’s better than a mole that lives in a hole, besides I’ve joined the CID. The CID? Yeah, I’m working undercover for special branch! So watch out I might arrest you. Ooo-er I’ve never been caught by the fuzz before. You can’t be too careful around here you know. Why-ever not? The whole place is crawling with thieves and outlaws. Don’t I know it. And they always work in pairs. You mean there’s a pair of knickers at large! Exactly! The other day I caught two of them doing some early Christmas shopping! Very sensible. Not before the shops are open it’s not! What did they steal? A calendar! A calendar? Is that all? Yeah, they’ll probably get six months each! You’re having me on you are! Look out there’s a thief about. So you said, the woods are full of them! 24

Robin Hood, Maid Marion, Plank, Tig and Marion creep up on the Dame.

Robin Hood

Ah-ha! Caught you! I thought I said if I ever saw you again it would be too soon, now here you are again! Dame Droopy Delicious isn’t it! Robin Hood That’s a matter of opinion. Enter Nail.

Nail Robin Hood

Robin, the sheriffs men are coming! Right, as you’re now an outlaw yourself you had better come along with us. Nail and Plank you stay here and buy us some time.

Robin Hood, Maid Marion, Plank, Tig and Marion begin to exit, but do not do so until stated below.

Plank Nail

Right-ho, Robin. Just a minute, buy some time, what with! Nail have you got any cash? I’ll see … (Rummaging through his pockets produces an assortment of weird and wonderful things. Eventually he finds a penny). Er, hold this … and this … and this … oh, I’ve been wondering where that went! Ah, here we are! A penny! That’s not enough to buy some time! Don’t look now, but it’s too late … the Sheriffs men are here!

As Dim and Dimmer enter Nail and Plank hide behind a tree. Catching sight of the still exiting outlaws, Nail and Plank pull up short. Dimmer falls to the floor as if dead. Exit Robin Hood, Maid Marion, Plank, Tig and Marion.

Dim Dimmer Dim Dimmer Dim Dimmer Dim Dimmer Dim Dimmer Dim Dimmer Dim Dimmer Dim Nail Dim Plank Dim Nail Dimmer Dim Dimmer Dim Nail Dim

Did you see that? (There is no reply from the prone Dimmer). I said did you see that? Go away, I’m playing dead! What do you mean, you’re playing dead? I’ve been shot in the head, now go away and leave me alone! Shot in the head! No you haven’t, that’s just a pretend arrow! Yeah, you know that and I know that but they don’t! Get up, it’s embarrassing. No! But we’re the bravest of the brave, the flower of the regiment! Speak for yourself, sweetie. We’ve got to hold up the tradition. I am. What do you mean? We always lose; I’m just saving them the trouble of shooting me that’s all. Hello? Hello? Mr Outlaws? What do you want? We’re looking for Dame Droopy, I don’t suppose you’ve seen her have you. What if we have. Well if you could just lead us to her, we’d be ever so grateful. I wouldn’t lead you up the garden path. Well that’s not very nice is it! I thought you were dead. Oh yes, I forgot. Look if you don’t tell us, we’ll just have to fight you! I knew it! So why don’t you save yourselves a whole lot of bother and just tell us where she is.

The Crow, who has been watching the proceedings for some time, decides to join in.

Crow

Up yours, you hairy-nosed lick-dish! 25

Dim Dimmer Crow Nail Plank Nail Plank Nail Plank Crow Plank Dim Nail Dim Plank Dim Dimmer Dim Dimmer Dim Nail Plank Crow Nail Plank

Dimmer, you’re not going to take that lying down, are you? Yes! Oi! Call yourselves outlaws? More like a couple of fruit cakes! What a nerve! Let’s get ‘em! You go first and I’ll follow. Right! … Just a minute, you go first and I’ll follow. No, after you. No, no, no … I insist. You two couldn’t fight your way out of a wet paper bag! Oh yeah, come over here and say that! No, you come over here. All right, we will! Right! Right! Dimmer! What? They’re coming over here! What! (He jumps up and runs offstage). Hey, wait for me! (He exits). That showed ‘em! I’ll say … they won’t be back here in a hurry! Hey look behind you! Give us a kiss sailor! Time to go! Quite agree! (He exits).

Scene Two - The School Room Enter the Dame, Tig, Marion and members of the chorus (which includes Persons 1-3 and Persons 5-13). The Dame sets up an easel and blackboard.

Dame Droopy Come along everybody, come along. Stand in line, stop pushing! I thought I told you to stand at the end of the line. Person #1 I did, but there was somebody there already. Dame Droopy Oh well, never mind. Listen to me everyone, listen to me! Just because we’re all outlaws we don’t have to be ignorant as well. Chorus “Ignorant!”, “I should co-co!” (etc). Dame Droopy Places everybody, places. That’s it; settle down! Good morning class. Chorus Good morning, Miss Dame Droopy. They class then proceed to sit down in an unruly fashion talking all the while.

Dame Droopy Hello! Hello! I’m waiting! (They continue to take no notice). I say everybody, yoo-hoo! Even more racket than before. The Dame blows her football whistle.

Chorus Off side! Dame Droopy WILL YOU BE QUIET! Any more trouble and I’ll have to fetch Auntie Smacky and you won’t like her one little bit! Now first of all I need to call the role … Alan a Dale Cheese! Dame Droopy What do you mean cheese? Alan a Dale Cheese roll. Dame Droopy Don’t be impertinent, and don’t answer me back. Right let’s get this started, we’ll be here until doomsday at this rate. Alan a Dale … Alan a Dale! (No answer). You’re Alan a Dale aren’t you? 26

Alan a Dale Dame Droopy Alan a Dale Dame Droopy Alan a Dale Dame Droopy

Yes. Well, answer your name. No! Why not? You said I was not to answer you back! Oh well, never mind the roll call … if anybody isn’t here, see me afterwards. Now before we begin I have an announcement to make. We will only be having a half day of school, this morning. Chorus Hooray! Dame Droopy And the other half, this afternoon! Chorus Boo! Person #4 comes in late.

Dame Droopy Only my little joke! Now first of all I need to test your general knowledge. Who can tell me which is further, Australia or the Moon? Hands up don’t all shout at once! You there! Person #2 Australia, you can see the moon at night. Dame Droopy Correct! Who wrote Oliver Twist? Person #2 How the Dickens should I know! Dame Droopy Well done! Alan a Dale What do you call a teacher with ear plugs? Person #3 Anything, they can’t hear you. Dame Droopy I do wish you would pay a little more attention. Person #3 I’m paying as little as I can. Person #4 yawns loudly.

Dame Droopy Person #4 Dame Droopy Person #4 Dame Droopy Person #5 Dame Droopy Person #5 Dame Droopy Person #5 Dame Droopy Person #5 Dame Droopy Person #5

When you yawn you’re supposed to put your hand up to your mouth. What? And get bitten! And now I come to think of it, you came in late! I overslept! What? You need to sleep at home as well! (She laughs). Now, where were we … ah, yes; who can name two pronouns … er, you! Who? Me? Very good! What is the most common phrase used in school? I don’t know! Excellent! What is an archaeologist? That’s easy. Go on then clever clogs. Someone whose career is in ruins. Hey Miss, I’ve got one for you. What holds the sun up in the sky? Oooo-er-um, I know this … don’t tell me, er… Its easy … sun beams of course.

One member of the chorus starts whistling.

Dame Droopy Of course, silly me, now what did … (More whistling). What did …? (The whistling continues). Please don’t whistle when you’re studying. Simon (Has cotton wool stuffed in one ear). I’m not; I’m just whistling. Dame Droopy That’s because you aren’t paying attention. Are you having trouble hearing? Simon No, I’m having trouble listening! Dame Droopy Well take that cotton wool out of your ears! Simon You’re the one that keeps saying that things go in one ear and out the other. I’m just trying to keep everything in that’s all! 27

Dame Droopy Simon Dame Droopy Simon Dame Droopy

What’s your name? Simon. Simon who? Simon de Black Forest Gateaux. Well, Simon de Black Forest Gateaux, see if you can spell your Christian name backwards? Can you do it?

The Dame writes his name ‘Simon’ on the blackboard and reverses it when he answers.

Simon No, Miss. Dame Droopy Fantastic! I thought you weren’t paying any attention; you’re a lot cleverer than you look. Simon Am I? Bob Hey Miss … I can write my name backwards as well! Dame Droopy What is it? Bob Bob! Dame Droopy Bob? Really! Bob who? Bob Bob down and kiss my ar… Dame Droopy Bob! That’s enough of that! Now then class, I think that’s enough general knowledge for a while. (There is general cheering). We shall continue with spelling. (General jeering).

Chorus Dame Droopy Chorus Dame Droopy Chorus Dame Droopy Longshanks Chorus Dame Droopy Person #6 Dame Droopy Person #6 Chorus Dame Droopy Person #6 Dame Droopy Person #6 Dame Droopy Person #6 Dame Droopy

Dame Droopy Person #7 Dame Droopy Person #7 Dame Droopy

“Oh no, I hate spelling!”, “I can’t write anyway!”, “Spelling makes me sick!” (etc). Now, now … spelling is merely common sense! No it’s not! Yes it is … I’ll prove it! How do you spell hungry horse with only four letters? “No idea!”, “Haven’t a clue!”, “Who cares!” (etc). It’s easy, I’ll show you … (She writes on the board: M T G G). There we are! That’s not spelling, that’s cheating! “I agree”, “Yeah, that’s not fair!” (etc). All right, who can make up a sentence using the word ‘lettuce’? I can! Go on then. (Sung, in a silly church voice). Let us prey. (Sung). Ah-men! That’s not a bit funny! Right, for your punishment, you must think of the largest sentence you can! Life imprisonment! I think you and I might fall out in a minute! How can you possibly get so many things wrong in one day? I get up early. What is the matter with you; can’t you get anything right? Well if I could, there wouldn’t be much point being here would there! I suppose there’s some logic in that. Well … (Person#7 begins reading out loud from a book. The subject matter is immaterial). … if spelling is too hard we had better begin with the basics. Why is the letter ‘A’ like a … Why is the letter ‘A’ like a … Why is …Why … What are you reading? I dunno. But you’re reading out loud! Yeah, but I’m not listening. Give me that book (Reading). ‘Useless’ by James Joyce. I might have known it, you stupid great lummox! Now, why is the letter ‘A’ like a flower? 28

Person #7 Dunno! Dame Droopy Because a ‘B’ always comes after it! (The Dame laughs at her own joke). And who would like to come out here and show me why the letter ‘T’ is like an island? Tig Because it’s in the middle of (He writes on the board). ‘W-A-T-E-R’! Dame Droopy Oooh! You rotten old spoilsport, that was one of my best gags! You knew that already, didn’t you? Tig Of course I did, it’s the only thing you’ve ever taught me! Dame Droopy Be quiet and sit down. I think we’ll leave spelling for a bit. Now are any of you any good at Maths? Chorus “I hate Maths!”, “Oh no not Maths!”, “Maths stinks!”, “Anything but Maths!” (etc). Dame Droopy Now, now … don’t be like that! There must be somebody who is good at Maths, mmmm? What about you, are you any good at Maths? Person #8 Yes and no. Dame Droopy What do you mean, ‘yes and no’! Person #8 Yes, I’m no good at Maths. Dame Droopy Oh, really! See if you know this one … who invented fractions? … No? Henry the Eighth! Ha! Ha! Ha! Henry the Eighth! Every one a winner … oh well, please yourselves! Right, to business … now we’ll see what you’re made of . (She says these numbers out loud whilst writing on the board). 34,312 plus 76,188 … divide the answer by 3 and multiply that by 4 … and what do you get? Chorus The wrong answer! Dame Droopy I see we’ll have to begin with some simple sums. If 1+1 = 2 and 2+2 = 4, what is 4+4? Person #9 That’s not fair you’re answering all the easy ones and leaving us the hard ones! Dame Droopy Come along, come along, all answer at once: what is 4+4? Chorus At once! Dame Droopy I suppose I asked for that! I see must tackle this in another way … inclusive learning is the answer! (She laughs). Now listen carefully, if you had five apples and the person next to you took three, what would you have? Chorus A fight! Dame Droopy No, no, no! Let’s try again, if there were ten flies and I swatted one, how many would be left? Chorus One! Dame Droopy One? Person #10 Yeah that’s right, the one you swatted and all the others would have flown off! Dame Droopy You’re not getting the hang of this are you? We’ll try one more time shall we? Person #10 I’d rather not! Dame Droopy If I bought a hundred current buns what would each bun be? Chorus Stale! Dame Droopy Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear! Alan a Dale, try this … how much is half of eight? Dame Droopy writes on the board the number ‘8’.

Sorry, I can’t work it out! What do you mean? Any five year old could do it! Oh that explains it then, I’m far too old! (Exasperated). Would anybody else like to have a try? It’s easy-peasy; the answer is either nought or three! Nought or three! How on earth did you work that out (handing over the chalk), go on, surprise me! Person #11 Well if you divide eight in half this way it’s three and if you divide eight this way it’s nought! Dame Droopy Why did I ask! I think we’ll leave Maths for a bit and move on to Physics! Alan a Dale Dame Droopy Alan a Dale Dame Droopy Person #11 Dame Droopy

Chorus “Brilliant!”, “I like Physics!”, “Physics is fantastic!” (etc). Dame Droopy Oooh! At last something you’re all interested in! Right, let’s see what you know. On the Periodic Table what is the nearest thing to silver? Person #12 The Loan Ranger’s bottom! Dame Droopy I asked for that! What happens to gold if it’s exposed to air? Person #12 It gets stolen! Dame Droopy Oh dear! Well then, there’s nothing for it, we’ll just have to conduct an experiment. Chorus “Great!”, “I like experiments!”, “Who are we going to blow up?” (etc). Dame Droopy No, no, no, nothing like that. We’re going to do an experiment involving gravity. Chorus What goes up, must come down! Dame Droopy Exactly! Now … (The class bombard the Dame with pine cones). Who did that? I’ll find out; I’ve got eyes in the back of my head, you know! Now let’s get on … If I place a penny on my nose and hold this here (she holds a funnel under her nose) … look at the affects of gravity when I drop the penny … so! (It lands in the funnel). There, a perfect example of gravity at work! Now, I want two volunteers: you and you! (She pulls out two likely volunteers by the ears). Right, I’ll just put these funnels down here and here (front of their shirts or trousers) and put a penny here and here! (On their noses). Right … are you ready, are you steady … (She tips water down the funnels. The two victims run off clutching their wet clothes shouting “Eughhh!”, “It’s cold!”, “I’m going to tell my mum!”, “I’ll get you for this!” etc). Right, that’s got rid of the two troublemakers! Now then

class, any more for any more? Mmmmm? I’m the boss … Chorus Yes, Miss Dame Droopy. Dame Droopy And don’t you forget it! Chorus No, Miss Dame Droopy. Dame Droopy That’s better! Robin Hood and Maid Marion enter.

Robin Hood Ah, everything is in order I see, well done! Dame Droopy Oh yes we’re all getting along famously! I was just about to start a singing lesson … just a minute, I’ve had a brain wave … Person #13 More like a brainstorm! Dame Droopy As you are both here perhaps you would like to join in … (Robin and Maid Marion begin to creep out). And just where do you think you two are going? Maid Marion Well, we were just … Dame Droopy (As if commanding a dog). Sit! Now, we will begin with a scale! (She sings la, la, la etc). Now you try, ready … (They do so and make a horrible sound). Good heavens! You all need tuning up! There’s only one thing for it; everybody come out here and stand in a line. Now, hold the ear of the person next to you, like this. Now, (to the first in line) sing me a note, dear. (A horrible sound emerges. She twists the person’s ear and ‘tunes’ him/her up). I turn the ear this way to make the note flatter, and this way to make it sharper. Are we ready, after three … three! (She goes along the line and gradually they are tuned up). That’s better! Now we’re going to sing ‘Underneath The Spreading Chestnut Tree’, and you lot (the audience) can join in too. Oh, and by the way, there are some actions as well! Ready! … Steady! … Go!

Chorus (et al) Underneath the spreading chestnut tree I loved him and he loved me There I used to sit upon his knee ‘Neath the spreading chestnut tree Dame Droopy Splendid! Splendid! Tig Dame Droopy, I think this side was louder than that side. In fact I don’t think that side were singing at all! Chorus (Part) Oh yes we were! 30

Tig Oh no you weren’t! Chorus (Part) Oh yes we were! Tig Oh no you weren’t! The Dame blows her whistle.

Dame Droopy That’s quite enough, thank you! There’s only one way to settle this … we’ll have a competition! But first we need some little helpers! Who would like to come out and help us sing? Hands up! Come along then, you and you! (Suitable children are selected and brought onto the stage). Right, so we know what we are doing, let’s all sing it together once! Are we ready? … Go! (They do so). Jolly good! Now let’s split into two halves, my side to start! Ready? One, two, three! (The Dame’s side sing). Wonderful, beat that my little chick-a-dee! Tig We can do better than that, (to ‘his’ audience) can’t we? Ready… Go! The other half of the audience sing.

Dame Droopy Very good. Give yourselves a clap! (There is an ear shattering clap of thunder). Oooo-er! Looks like rain! Quick everybody back to your seats before you get wet. The wind and rain continue to howl, the storm gradually increases in ferocity until one by one the cast are blown off stage.

Scene Three - The Plot Thickens Enter the Demon, laughing. He clicks his fingers and the storm ends abruptly.

Demon

Ha! Ha! Ha! I hate singing! What did you think of my storm? Not bad for a teacup was it! Ha! Ha! Ha! So you horrible, revolting, disgusting children, you’ve been having fun with old Droopy Drawers have you … well, it’s got to stop! I would just like to say I haven’t finished with her yet … Oh no, not by a long chalk! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Enter a very bedraggled Fairy Fluff.

Fairy Fluff Demon Fairy Fluff

Demon

Oi moight ‘ave known that storm was you My hair’s in a mess an’ all askew So Fairy Fluff your promise is broken A promise is a promise, of that Oi’ve spoken Round one to you, Oi must agree But things will turn out right as you shall see I really don’t think so you sparkly trollop Now out of my sight with this magic wallop (An invisible slap makes Fairy Fluff react by jumping in the air).

Fairy Fluff

What still here and not gone yet Be gone I say; I’ve won the bet Not so fast you ugly dem…

He blows her off stage.

Demon

Ha! Ha! Ha! That’s got rid of her!

Enter Ebenezer.

Ebenezer Demon Ebenezer Demon Ebenezer

If the mountain won’t come to me, then I must go to the mountain! (Seeing the Demon). Who are you? Your benefactor. My benefactor! My eye! You’re having a laugh, ‘ain't yah! Why don’t you push off and eat something wholesome; you look a bit off colour to me! Bah! I don’t deserve this! I’ve a good mind to turn you into a slimy frog! I’d be hopping mad if you did! 31

Demon Ebenezer Demon Ebenezer Demon Ebenezer Demon Ebenezer Demon Ebenezer Demon

Ebenezer Demon Ebenezer Demon Ebenezer Demon Ebenezer Demon Ebenezer Demon Ebenezer Demon Ebenezer Demon Ebenezer Demon Ebenezer Demon

Ebenezer Demon Ebenezer Demon Ebenezer Demon Ebenezer Demon Ebenezer Demon

Listen you pathetic little worm, where do you think that magic bag came from? How do you know about that? Who do you think put it in the well in the first place … Father Christmas? He might have done. When did Father Christmas give you anything? I put the bag in the well, you stinkwort! Well, you’re not getting it back! I don’t want it back, you snivelling bean pole! Well, what do you want? Oh, I just want what you want. Oh yes, and what do I want, that I haven't got already? The total lack of human ambition never ceases to amaze me! That bag, my sneering friend, is only the beginning. I can show you sights that would astound and amaze you! (Disbelieving). Oh yes. And I can lead you to riches and power beyond your wildest dreams! What’s in it for you? (Angrily). What’s in it for me! (Calming down). Oh, nothing much … I just want you to help me break a promise, that’s all. I’ll do it! I’ll do anything you ask and then … and then everything will be mine; all mine! I sometimes wonder why I even bother, it’s just too easy! Pay attention, I want you to capture Dame Droopy and the two ‘Babes’. But that’s why I came to the woods in the first place … consider it done! Good! Now Ebenezer, when … How do you know my name? Never you mind … as I was saying; when you have got them in your evil clutches I want you to torture and beat them until they renounce all help and knowledge of ... Yes? Fairies. Fairies! That’s what I said. Fairies don’t exist, you funny little man! If only that were so! Now do you think you are up to the task I have set you? Of course I am. Well I’m not so sure. I think you could do with some help! Ye fates and ghouls and creatures of night Rise up, rise up to help our plight Seek the object of our desire Then return to the pits of eternal fire. Ebenezer just do as I ask and all will be yours. (He exits). Whatever you say … (looking around) where’s he gone? (A disembodied voice). I’m over here. Where, I can’t see you. (Voice). Seeing is believing, but I’ve already gone! No you’re not, you’re right here! (Voice). Ah, but can you be certain? Besides I can prove to you I’m no longer here. Go on then. Am I in (insert local town)? No! Am I in (insert local town)? 32

Ebenezer Demon Ebenezer Demon Ebenezer

Tom Ebenezer Tom Ebenezer Dim Tom Ebenezer

No! Well if I’m not in (insert local town) and I’m not in (insert local town) I must be somewhere else! Correct! Well, if I’m somewhere else, then I’m not here am I! But … (The Demon’s ‘voice’ exits in a puff of smoke). If he wasn’t here, then was he here at all? I must have been dreaming, or was I? Fairies indeed! Tom! Tom! Tom! Where is that wretched boy? (Entering). Here I am. (Startled). Argh! Don’t creep about like that I nearly had a heart attack … and don’t get any ideas! Now, have you memorised the plan? Yes, Father. Excellent! Now where are those good for nothing soldiers of mine. (Offstage). I heard that! Shivering behind the tree. Come out here the pair of you.

Enter Dim and Dimmer.

Dim Dimmer Dim Dimmer Ebenezer Dim & Dimmer Ebenezer Dim & Dimmer Ebenezer

I heard what you said about us being good for nothing, but it’s not true. No, it’s not! Dimmer makes an excellent door stop, don’t you Dimmer. Yes I do, so there. Well never mind about that now, have you remembered the plan? Yes, what plan? The plan we went over and over! Oh, that plan … No! Remind us again. Why am I surrounded by imbeciles!

Dim and Dimmer look round.

Dimmer Ebenezer Dim Dimmer Dim Ebenezer

No, there’s only us. Give me strength! Look we’re to scour the woods until we capture them and … And then we’re going to take them back to Nottingham Castle and … And torture them with … … feathers until they give up! Right … Tom you stay here; you two go that way, and I’ll go this!

They all exit in different directions, leaving Tom on his own.

Scene Four - The Grand Chase Enter Marion.

Marion Tom Marion

Tom Marion Tom Marion Tom

Oh, hello again. Gosh! Now, don’t start all that again! How are you? Such a lot has happened since I saw you last. I’m afraid I won’t be able to go to the ball with you after all; you see, I’m an outlaw now and … Oh Marion, I don’t care! I didn’t want to go to some silly old ball anyway, I just … well, I just want to be with you, whatever you’re doing! I’ll become an outlaw too! But you can’t give everything up for me, all your fine clothes and … Oh, hang fine clothes; as long as I’m with you, I don’t care. You know since we last saw each other I haven't been able to get you out of my mind. Me too, in fact I think I’ve fallen in love! Gosh! 33

Dim Dimmer Tom

(Offstage). You’re standing on my foot! (Offstage). Sorry!

Oh goodness, I nearly forgot! My Dad, er, I mean the New Sheriff and his men, are scouring the woods looking for you all. We must get away; I’ll take you to my secret hiding place nobody will find you there, hurry!

Tom and Marion exit.

Dim Dimmer Dim Dimmer Dim

(Offstage). Stop standing on my foot! (Offstage). I’m not! (Offstage). Who is then? (Offstage). I don’t know! I can’t see a thing in this bush. (Offstage). Put your hand on my shoulder and we’ll find a way out.

Enter Dim, then Bruin the Bear, followed by Dimmer. They creep on looking warily about.

Dimmer Dim

There, I told you it wasn’t me standing on your foot. It was this dirty great big bear. Bear? What! … b, b, b, b, BEAR! … Run for your life!

A Grand Chase now ensues, involving the whole company of Outlaws, Robin and Marion, Dim and Dimmer, Ebenezer, The Dame, Tig, Bruin and of course the witches and ghouls conjured up by the Demon. Eventually Maid Marion is cornered by Dim and Dimmer.

Dimmer

Ha! Ha! Ha! Not this way, my pretty!

Maid Marion turns to run but Dim is blocking her path.

Dim Maid Marion Dim Dimmer

Nor this! Your name wouldn’t be Marion by any chance would it? And what if it was? She’s the one all right! … Get her! She’s in the bag!

Dim and Dimmer capture Maid Marion. Nail and Plank enter. Taking in the situation immediately, they hide.

Maid Marion Just you wait till Robin hears about this … he’ll rescue me, and then you’ll be sorry! Dim I doubt it! Dimmer Yeah, me too! The three of them exit. Once they have gone, Nail and Plank enter warily.

Nail Plank Nail Plank Nail Plank

Why didn’t you do something? Why didn’t you! There were two of them! So, there are two of us! Yeah, but they looked mean and ugly. I suppose we had better tell the others what’s happened. Come on, let’s face the music.

Nail and Plank exit.

Scene Five - We’ll Meet Again Ebenezer enters one one side of the stage as, simultaneously, the Dame enters on the other side. They creep on backwards, before bumping into each other, at which point, they turn.

Ebenezer Dame Droopy Ebenezer Dame Droopy Ebenezer Dame Droopy Ebenezer

Who are you? Who are you? Don’t tell me … I never forget a face! If I had a face like yours I’d forget it! Insolence! Don’t you know who I am? The voice is familiar. I’m the Sheriff of Nottingham! 34

Dame Droopy Ebenezer Dame Droopy Ebenezer Dame Droopy Ebenezer Dame Droopy Ebenezer Dame Droopy Ebenezer Dame Droopy Ebenezer Dame Droopy Ebenezer Dame Droopy Ebenezer Dame Droopy

And I’m the Sultana of Baghdad! Are you sure I don’t know you? Play your cards right and who knows! Fancy a kiss under the mistletoe, sailor? I wouldn’t kiss you under a general anaesthetic! Look, I haven’t got time to bandy words with you! Oooooooh! I’m looking for a pair of ‘babes’ … What at your age! You ought to be ashamed of yourself! (Noticing his chain of office). The original medallion man! I’ll have you know that this is a badge of office! Now listen to me … I’m all ears! I’m looking for old Dame Droopy and the two ‘babes’! Have you seen them? Might have. What do you mean … might have! Look, did you see them go this way? Nope! Well, did you see them go that way? Nope! You don’t seem to know a lot, do you? Well, that depends; I know you’re not the real Sheriff, and I know my name is Dame Droopy … Bye-eee!

Dame Droopy makes a hurried exit, pursued by Ebenezer.

Ebenezer

What! Come back here!

Scene Six - The Resolution Enter Robin Hood and Little John from opposite sides of the stage.

Little John Robin Hood Little John Robin Hood

Robin! Robin, we’ve been looking everywhere for you, they’ve captured Maid Marion! What! We must rescue her at once! Where have they taken her? To Nottingham Castle! How did this happen? No, tell me along the way. Call up the men!

Tom enters and overhears what is being said.

Little John Robin Hood Little John Robin Hood

But Robin, it must be a trap! Marion is the girl I love, I’ve no choice! Are you with me, Little John? Aye! Of course I am! Well come along then, there’s no time to waste!

They both exit. The sound of a hunting horn is heard. Tom emerges from his hiding place.

Tom

How did they find her? Even Robin doesn’t know my secret hiding place. But what’s worse, he said he loved her! How can this be? She said she loved me … I just don’t understand. I must get back to Nottingham Castle to release her, before Robin can rescue her.

As Tom exits, the Demon enters.

Demon

Ha! Ha! Ha! With the help of my wicked, wicked ghoulies and ghosties everything is going to plan! Fairy Fluff has lost as sure as eggs are … rotten! Now that I have tempted Ebenezer with envy and greed, I cannot lose! My final act, a masterpiece if I don’t say so myself, is that I’m going to make Ebenezer fall head over heels in love with that brat they call Marion. Ha! Ha! Ha! Let’s see if that Fairy can get out of that! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Exit the Demon. Enter Fairy Fluff. 35

Fairy Fluff

Things are going from bad to worse Oi see Oi need the help from the Fairies three That wicked Demon is the one Oi must beat He’s nothing but a bully, a rotten old cheat. If he can have helpers then so can I Come fairies, come and heed my cry This fairy dance will make them laugh and sing Come fairies; come join me in my fairy ring.

Three fairies appear and dance the sort of dance that fairies like to dance.

MUSIC #7: A FAIRY DANCE Fairy 1 Fairy 2 Fairy 3 Fairy 1 Fairy 3 Fairy 2 Fairy Fluff

Fairy 2 Fairy 1 Fairy 3

Fairy Fluff you’ve called us to your fairy round We came at once when we heard your fairy sound Now here we’ve danced in forest bower And all linked together in fairy power What is the wish you’d have us make? We’ll do anything for you … … for old time’s sake Thank you for coming, Fairies one two and three Oi’m in trouble with a Demon as you shall see He’s up to no good and full of tricks We must cast a spell that really sticks. We’ll find the root of all this trouble Then we’ll prick the Demons bubble To bring us back from disasters brink Let’s join our wands to help us think.

The fairies slowly dance in a circle as they cast their spell.

Four Fairies

We’re on the brink of dark disorder The Demon’s changed the sacred order Give to the bag a life of its own All things given were merely on loan Now by the power of sunshine and light Bring all here to make things right

There is a fairy flash and they all disappear. Enter Little John and Robin Hood

Robin Hood Little John Tom Robin Hood Tom Little John Tom Robin Hood Tom

Little John, why have you brought us back to where we started? But I didn’t, Robin. (Entering, unaware that he is wearing his old clothes). Hold! Tom, is that you? You and I should learn not to judge a book by its cover. We both love Marion and now you and I must fight for her. Why you little whipper-snapper. Robin, let me … Robin, this affair is between you and me. I overheard you say that you love Marion, and so now we must fight! Tom, there’s a mistake. No Robin, we must fight … there’s no other way!

A quarter-staff fight ensues. Enter Maid Marion and Marion from opposite sides of the stage.

Maid Marion Robin, what are you doing? Marion Tom! Robin Hood Marion! 36

Tom Marion Tom

Marion! Why are you wearing those old clothes? Marion, I er … I don’t understand.

Enter Dame Droopy.

Dame Droopy Oooh! I’m completely flummoxed! That Ebenezer’s like an old blood hound … I just can’t shake him off! He’s had me running all over the forest and now I’m completely pooped … I’m so full of poop, I’m ready to droop! Enter Ebenezer also wearing his old clothes.

Ebenezer Ah-ha! Got you at last! Dame Droopy Unhand me … Just a minute, I know you. You’re Ebenezer, the swineherd geezer, my husband! Omnes Your husband! Dame Droopy I haven’t seen you in years, not since Sir Basil ordered me to look after his children while he went off to fight in the Crusades. Tom Mum! (He runs over to the Dame and gives her a hug). Dame Droopy Tom! (Incredulously). My little Tom! Come to mama! My, haven’t you grown! Ebenezer Where’s my lovely chain of office, and where are all my fine clothes? And, (to the Dame), as for you, the last time I saw you, I was waiting for my dinner … and I’m still waiting! There is a fairy flash and Fairy Fluff enters.

Argh! I’ve been blinded by a shiny old hag! Oi see everything’s returned and safe in the bag Oi’m Fairy Fluff the guardian of the wood Oi’ve been looking after all that’s good. Now things are back the way they once were Ebenezer Are you saying I’ve got to live with her? Dame Droopy You better believe it, hun! Fairy Fluff There’s only one task left to complete The Demon’s the one Oi must defeat The magic in the bag will hold him fast So now Oi wish him in it … (SFX: water running out of a bath. LX : a suitable effect). … Hurrah! Oi’ve won at last Demon (From inside the bag). Help! Help! Let me out! Fairy Fluff This bag will be your prison forever and a day O’ll never let you out whatever you say Now good folks a double wedding there shall be Right here in the woods, if they all agree Tom Marion, will you marry me? Marion Oh Tom, I thought you would never ask! Ebenezer Fairy Fluff

They embrace.

Robin Hood Marion, would you do me the honour? Maid Marion Robin, the day we met, we were married in our hearts! Yes, yes, a thousand times yes! They embrace.

Dame Droopy Ebenezer, we’ve had our ups and downs, but I’m willing to give it another go … what do you say? Ebenezer Well, I have to admit I do miss your dumplings! Dame Droopy That’s settled then … there’s plenty of room in Sir Basil’s old castle, you can all come and live with me there! 37

Omnes Robin Hood

Fairy Fluff

Hurrah! Thank you for your offer, Dame Droopy, but I think Maid Marion and I will stay here if you don’t mind … I mean, Sherwood Forest just wouldn’t be the same without Robin Hood and his Merry Men, now would it! The time has come to welcome one and all So come sing and dance for the wedding ball.

The company perform a final song and dance routine.

MUSIC #8: FINALE / TRIPLE WEDDING Curtain calls. Fade to black.

MUSIC #9: PLAYOUT

THE END