Mother Goose (Maun)

Mother Goose by

David Maun

“A timeless tale brought magically to life.�

Mother Goose

by David Maun © David Maun 2011. All Rights Reserved This e-script may not be copied or transcribed by any means electronic, optical or mechanical without the prior permission of the copyright owners or their agent. Photocopying this script without a suitable license is strictly prohibited.

This play is a work of fiction. The characters are entirely the product of the authors’ imaginations and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

‘Mother Goose’ is fully protected under the international laws of copyright which are enacted in the UK as the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. The right of David Maun to be identified as the intellectual owner of the work has been asserted by him in accordance with the above Act. While every precaution has been taken in the preparation of this play, the publisher assumes no responsibility for errors or omissions, or for damages resulting from the use of the material contained herein.

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SE-0254

Rev A

Cast (6m, 4f, 1m/f) Fairy Paxo The Demon King Sam Ella Squire of Sweet Content Jill Goose Jack Horner Billy Goose Mother Goose Priscilla Queen of Gooseland

An Inexperienced Good Fairy King of the Underworld An out of work actor Sam’s not very bright girlfriend The Village Squire Daughter of Mother Goose Nephew of the Village Squire Son of Mother Goose The Heroine of the Tale A large goose The Ruler of the Land of Geese

Chorus of Boys and Girls. (NOTE: There are a few small speaking parts for the Chorus).

Synopsis of Scenes The Prologue

Somewhere Betwixt and Between

Act One Scene One Scene Two Scene Three Scene Four Scene Five

The Village of Sweet Content A Sidestreet in the Village of Sweet Content The Village School A Corridor in the Squire’s Mansion The Ballroom at Goose Hall

Act Two Scene One Scene Two Scene Three Scene Four Scene Five

The Kitchen at Goose Hall On the way to the Magic Pool The Magic Pool – deep in the Forest A Sidestreet in the Village of Sweet Content The Court of the Queen of Gooseland

The Epilogue

Somewhere Betwixt and Between

Walkdown

The Court of the Queen of Gooseland

i

General Notes Staging This pantomime can be staged very elaborately or very simply depending on the size of the stage and the capacity for scene changes. It has been written in the format of alternate scenes being played in front of a set of secondary tab curtains, to allow for the main set changes to take place behind.

Lighting The script includes a number of lighting cues, together with very basic suggestions of the style of lighting. However, it is possible to add as many other cues as a Director deems necessary.

Pyrotechnics The script includes a large number of cues for pyrotechnic flashes, for the two ‘immortal’ characters. The number of flashes used, will no doubt depend on the budget available. In which case, choose the most appropriate, ie, at the opening of the show.

Sound Effects There are only a few sound effects, and these should be easily available.

Music The script includes a number of suggestions for songs. But, in general, songs should be chosen by the Director, Musical Director and Choreographer to suit the vision they have for the pantomime.

Costumes In general, ‘Mother Goose’ should be costumed using the 18th Century style of dress as follows:i)

Mother Goose should be dressed as a traditional Dame. She needs to be poorly dressed at the opening, with her clothes getting more and more outrageous as the show moves on and she has more money to spend. ii) The Squire and Sam could wear Frock coats, Waistcoats and Knee Breeches, iii) Jill should look very much the Principal Girl with traditional dresses. iv) Ella could wear very simple peasant style dresses or skirts and blouses. v) Billy could wear knee breeches and ‘hero’ shirts in different colours. vi) Fairy Paxo could be a traditional silver, white and sparkling Fairy. vii) The Demon King could be dressed in dark colours (maybe red and black) and should be as regal as possible. viii) Priscilla needs to be a large friendly animal and as ‘cuddly’ as it is possible to make her!

She needs to appeal to the younger members of the audience. ix) The Chorus should be as bright and colourful as possible. In Act One, Scene Three there is an opportunity for the girls to be dressed in ‘St Trinians’ style school uniforms, while the boys could have knee breeches and ‘hero’ shirts.

Suggested Music The songs/music shown in the script are only suggestions and can be substituted with such others as are felt appropriate.

ii

Mother Goose ACT ONE MUSIC #1 : OVERTURE

The Prologue Somewhere Betwixt and Between. LX: Mysterious (possibly use a rotating glitter ball). FX: There is a flash stage right and Fairy Paxo enters into a spotlight. She curtseys to the audience and begins.

Paxo

A special greeting to you all I’m Fairy Paxo, at your call.

I’ve come to tell you of my quest To seek out goodness, find the best.

To Mother Goose who’s kind and sweet I’ve come to give a little treat.

But, alas, I’ve hit a little snag It seems the cat’s out of the bag.

Well, not a cat – in fact, a goose Who got away and now is loose.

She’s large, but she is not a killer She’s warm and gentle - her name’s Priscilla.

I must locate her before long And hope that nothing else goes wrong.

You see, this is my first real task, I want it right – not much to ask.

But, I digress, on with the show It’s nearly time for me to go.

Before I do …

FX: A pyrotechnic flash. LX: A red follow spot hits the corner of the stage. Into this steps the Demon King.

Paxo Demon Paxo Demon Paxo Demon Paxo

… gosh, who are you?

I am the Demon King, and you?

I’m Fairy Paxo – how do you do?

Bah and humbug, toodle-oo.

You’re very rude and impolite.

I said farewell; push off; goodnight. (He turns away).

(To the audience). This man is evil, mean and rotten And is my enemy – I’d forgotten!

I must leave soon, return to base And give the details of this case Bye-bye for now, I’ll be back soon And in disguise, to fool this goon.

Exit Fairy Paxo. LX: Fade follow spot.

Demon

At last, that Fairy Paxo’s gone How she does go on and on!

But I’ll outwit her and her cronies And make them all appear as phonies!

1

I am the Demon King, and now It’s time for you to stand and bow.

Pay homage to a monarch who Is evil, nasty, through and through.

I don’t mind if you hiss and boo It is entirely up to you.

Please keep it short, don’t make a fuss Some people have to catch a bus!

But enough of all this – it is time for my plan To cause mayhem and mischief to all that I can.

Mother Goose is generous and kind And really getting to be quite a bind.

She’s happy and popular – not like me.

But I’ll change all that – just you watch and see.

I think I’ll have fun and be very nasty.

Fairy Paxo enters from the back of the auditorium dressed as an usherette. LX: Bring up house lights

Paxo

Demon Paxo Demon Paxo Demon Paxo

Demon Paxo Demon

Here’s sweets and balloons, and all of them free.

Programmes and ices and chocolates galore This speaking in rhyme is fun – and there’s more!

Excuse me, I say, excuse me. What do you think you are doing?

I’m an usherette. I’m just doing my job.

Well, would you mind doing it a little quieter – I am (theatrically) trying to act!

And not doing it very well from where I’m standing!

Oooooohhh! SILENCE! (To the audience). Doesn’t he go on!

Hi folks, you see, it’s me, Fairy Paxo In disguise! Now let’s see what he’s up to.

Alright, alright – don’t get your toasting fork in a turmoil.

You carry on and I’ll stand here quietly and listen.

Thank you – now where was I? You were just going to tell us your plan for being nasty.

Oh, yes – thank you.

In Mother Goose, I’ll sow a seed She’ll soon desire things she does not need.

I’ll make her sorry with her lot She’ll crave for what she hasn’t got.

Forsaking both her friends and duty To search, in vain, for youth and beauty.

Take care, Mother Goose, your time is short As soon, I’ll start my little sport.

Now, I’m away – I need some rest I must be at my very best.

The Demon King exits, laughing). LX: Fade follow spot on Demon King.

Paxo

Oh dear, this really is not right I think we must put up a fight.

(She goes onto the stage. LX: Use a follow spot on Fairy Paxo and fade the house lights).

So boys and girls – your help I’ll need.

To foil this Demon’s nasty deed.

Let’s show him that good will prevail.

So sit back, relax, and on with the tale.

2

Exit Fairy Paxo. LX: Fade follow spot on Fairy Paxo and fade any other stage lighting to black.

Scene One The Village of Sweet Content. There should be a house for Mother Goose that has a working door. It must also be possible to walk around behind the house and come out again the other side. LX: Very bright and colourful.

The Chorus are revealed standing around in groups, laughing and joking).

MUSIC #2 : ‘ANOTHER OPENING, ANOTHER SHOW’ FROM ‘KISS ME KATE’ [CHORUS] The Chorus drift into small groups, collect hampers, rugs, etc, enjoying a picnic. There is a lot of noise and laughter.

Chorus 1

(Looking into the wings). Look out everyone, here comes the Squire’s new part-time

Chorus 2 All

Bailiff, Sam, and his drippy girlfriend, Ella.

Yes, that famous double-act, known the world over as … …Sam ‘n’ Ella!

Enter Sam and Ella.

Chorus 3 Sam Ella Sam Ella Sam All Ella Chorus 2 Ella Sam Chorus 1 Sam Chorus 3 Sam Chorus 2 Ella Chorus 1 Sam Ella

Good morning, Sam, Good morning, Ella. How are you today?

Not too good, I’m afraid. I don’t really like being a bailiff. It makes us very unpopular. … unpopular – yes.

You see, we want to be friends with everyone, but because we work for the Squire, nobody seems to like us very much. … like us very much – no.

We had much more fun before we came here. I’m really an actor!

No! Yes. Sam was in a play called ‘Breakfast in Bed’.

Did he have a large role?

No, just toast and marmalade.

I was on the telly last week.

Were you?

Yes. If I get drunk – I’ll sleep anywhere!

What was the last thing you did?

(Proudly). I finished a film last week.

That’s marvellous!

Yes, it’s taken a while but he finally finished watching the DVD of (last years hit film) (Looking into the wings). Oh no, here comes the Squire.

We’d better go, Ella. If he sees me, he’ll probably give me a nasty job to do. Come on… let’s go. … go – yes.

Sam and Ella exit. Enter the Squire.

Squire Chorus 4 Squire Chorus 4 Squire Chorus Squire

Out of my way, peasants!

But, Sir, this is a Bank Holiday, a time for celebration.

Bank Holiday, Bank Holiday… I hate Bank Holidays! I have to pay your wages while you do nothing.

But, Sir, even cruel and wicked Squires must enjoy themselves sometimes.

Oh, yes, my dear, and I am going to enjoy myself right now. Would you like to hear some good news?

Oh, yes please.

I’m going to put your rents up by one pound a week!

3

Chorus 5 Squire

But, that’s not good news!

It is to me! (He laughs as the Chorus murmur among themselves). SILENCE, or I’ll put your rent up even more. Now run along and annoy someone else. (The Chorus exit in various directions. Now, to the audience). That put a stop to their jollifications.

Oh, I do so enjoy being a party pooper. Now, Mother Goose owes me a lot of money.

So, while I am in such a good mood. I will go and get it. (He goes to the door of MG’s house and knocks). Mother Goose. Mother Goose, wherefore art thou, Mother Goose?

SFX: Sound effect of a toilet flushing. Enter Jill.

Jill Squire Jill Squire Jill Squire Jill Jack Jill Jack Jill Jack Jill Jack Jill Jack Jill Jack

Good morning, Sir. (She curtseys).

(Aside to the audience). Aha – it’s the jaunty, jubilant and juvenile Jill, the daughter of Mother Goose. And a very good morning to you, my dear.

What brings you to our little house on such a lovely day. I’m afraid that my Mother is not here.

Why would I want to see her? No, it is you that I have come to see. (Kneeling at her feet). I am bedazzled by your beauty… gobsmacked by your grace.

If you start getting fruity, I’ll smack you round the face. (Walking away). But Sir, can you have forgotten that I am engaged to your nephew, Jack?

But he is only a child. Marry me and live like a Queen. Refuse me… and I will throw you out of your home forever. You have half an hour to decide. (He exits).

Oh dear, I must find Mum and tell her what is happening. If only I knew where she was.

(Entering). Well, well, well; someone looks happy.

(Running to him). Jack! Oh, I am so pleased to see you.

Maybe I should go away more often?

Your uncle, the Squire, was here. He said if I won’t marry him, he’ll throw us out of our home.

But he can’t do that. All you’ve got to do is pay the rent.

That’s just it, we can’t pay the rent. Mum doesn’t keep a job very long and any money she does get she gives away.

Don’t worry. While I’ve been away I’ve had lots of jobs and earned loads of money.

That’s great, Jack, but what about the rent?

I’ll pay it for you.

Oh, Jack, thank you. Mum will be pleased.

That’s alright. You know I’d do anything to make you happy.

MUSIC #3 : ‘I’D DO ANYTHING’ FROM ‘OLIVER’ [JACK & JILL] LX: Fade general stage lighting and use follow spots. After the song, Jack and Jill exit. Enter Billy Goose carrying a goldfish bowl containing two fish.

Billy

Hello, boys and girls. (Wait for a reaction, he looks around). I think I must be talking to myself. I’ll try again. Hello, boys and girls. That’s better, now I’ll try the grownups. Hello, Mums and Dads. Not bad, not bad. Well, I’d better introduce myself. My name is Billy Goose. I don’t know why, but everybody calls me ‘Silly Billy’! I live in that cottage over there with my Mum, Mother Goose, and my sister Jill. Have you met my two goldfish? I call them Posh and Becks (or whatever). I carry them around with me in case anyone tries to pinch them. It doesn’t half make your arms ache though!

Hey, wait a minute, I’ve got an idea. If I leave my goldfish over here, you could keep an eye on them for me. Would you do that for me? Thanks ever so much. Now, if anyone tries to pinch them, I want you to call me. Just shout out: ‘Billy’ at the top of your voice. Alright? Let’s have a little practice shall we? After 3 … 1, 2, 3. (He 4

awaits a reaction). That was really good. (Or not etc). Right, I’ll see you later, and don’t forget, if anyone goes to pinch them, you shout for me. Bye-bye.

LX: Fade to black. SFX: Eerie music (The beginning of ‘O Fortuna’ from Carmina Burana by Carl Orff).

FX: Pyrotechnic flash stage left. Enter the Demon King.

Demon

Earth, at last. Now, for my plan.

I really am a nasty man!

On Mother Goose, a spell I’ll weave, And cause her foolish heart to grieve.

She won’t be kind, she’ll change her mind And all her friends she’ll leave behind.

So though she may seem bright and gay, Her happiness I’ll snatch away.

Now settle down, I’ll bring her here.

So, Mother Goose, ‘tis time – appear!

Enter Mother Goose as if in a trance. The Demon King ‘draws’ her onstage with his hands. As he exits, he snaps his fingers. The lights return to normal and he disappears. SFX: Fade out ‘O Fortuna’.

Mother

Squire Mother Squire Mother Squire Mother Squire Mother Squire Mother

Squire Mother Squire

Oh, dear. Where am I? One minute I was shopping in (Supermarket) at (Locality) and now, here I am outside my little cottage. You must think me very rude. I haven’t said hello. Hello, my name’s Mother Goose and I welcome you to the lovely village of Sweet Content.

(Entering). Ah, there you are, you biogenetic, bandylegged, blastodermic back end of a bus!

Charming!

(Handing her a letter). Here… read this!

What is it?

It’s an eviction notice. You’ve got three days to pay your rent.

Good, I’ll choose Good Friday, May Day and Christmas Day. Enough of this. I want my rent for a week back.

If you’ve got a weak back – you should wear a corset!

Ooooh! I want my money, now.

(On her knees; pleading). Oh, please sir, let me stay, I’ll do anything for you. I’ll clean your shoes, I’ll weed your garden, I’ll even marry you! (Standing). On second thoughts, maybe not! How much do I owe?

Sixty pounds!

Sixty pounds! But I haven’t even got sixty pence, let alone sixty pounds.

Then out you go!

Mother Goose runs around the stage moaning, groaning, weeping and wailing, generally making a lot of noise.

Enter Jill, Jack and the Chorus.

Jack Squire Jack Mother Squire Mother

Just a minute, Uncle… there’s no need for that. I’ll pay the rent.

Damn and blast! Where did you come from? I thought you had gone to seek your fame and fortune?

That’s right, I did, and now I have come back to marry Jill, and there is nothing that you can do to stop it.

That’s right, you money-grabbing meanie. But before you go, I’ll pay the rent I owe you. How much was it?

Sixty pounds and not a penny less.

Sixty pounds, oh well, here goes. (She takes a pile of money from Jack and begins to pay the Squire). Easy come, easy go. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven… and how many weeks rent do I owe you?

5

Squire Mother Squire Mother Squire Mother Squire Mother Squire Mother

Squire Mother

Fourteen.

Fourteen… are you sure?

Yes – fourteen.

Fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty, twenty-one… does anyone else owe you any money?

Yes, Mrs Wainwright at number thirty-five.

Number thirty-five?

Yes, thirty-five.

Thirty-six, thirty-seven, thirty-eight, thirty-nine, forty, forty-one… are you owed a lot of money?

(Smugly). Oh, yes. Even after you have paid me, I’ll still be owed eighty-five pounds.

Eighty-five. (She whistles). That’s a lot of money. Hey wait a minute. I only owed you sixty pounds… I’ve paid you too much. I’d better have some of this back.

(Counting). Oi, there’s only twenty-pounds here … you owe me a fiver!

What? Eh! Oh, sorry! Here! (He hands over a £5 note).

Thank you. (To the Chorus). Now you take this and all go off to Macdonalds (or other local restaurant). I’ve got some ironing to do. Off you go and have a good time. Bye.

Jack, Jill, Billy and Chorus exit. Mother Goose exits into her cottage.

Squire

(Counting on his fingers). Just a minute. I’ve been duped, diddled and done. Just you

wait, Mother Goose. Next time I catch up with you, there will be no mistakes.

The Squire exits, and briefly the stage is empty. Enter Priscilla. She looks around, walks from door to door and then knocks on Mother Goose’s door. There is no reply, she tries again, then goes round the back of the cottage and disappears from view. Enter Mother Goose.

Mother

(To the audience). That’s funny, I could have sworn I heard a knock. Have you seen anyone? (Audience reaction). You saw a what? A goose! I don’t believe you… where? It went round the back of the cottage. I’ll go and have a look. (She goes to the cottage and Priscilla appears at the other side. She turns back to the audience).

There’s no-one there. Are you mucking me about? Oh, I see, the other side… I’ll go and have a look. (Repeat the business, with Priscilla coming out the other side.

Mother Goose comes back to the audience). It’s not nice making an old lady like me chase about like that. (Priscilla goes and pecks Mother Goose on the bottom at which she jumps). Oooh it’s a goose! (To the audience). Why didn’t you tell me there was a goose behind me? I wonder who she belongs to? (To Priscilla). Are you on your own?

(Priscilla nods). Was it you who knocked on my door? (Priscilla nods). Poor thing, you look worn out. Have you come a long way? (Priscilla nods). What’s your name?

(Priscilla whispers in her ear). Cilla! Cilla what? (Priscilla whispers). Oh, I see…

Priscilla. Well now, let me introduce myself. My name’s Mother Goose. But I can’t stand here talking to you all day, I’ve got some ironing to do. Bye, bye. (She turns toward the cottage. Priscilla stays. Mother Goose turns back). Go on, off you go, you can’t stay here all day, go on, off with you. Shoo! (Priscilla stays). Haven’t you got a home to go to?(Priscilla shakes her head. Mother Goose turns to audience). Aaaah!

(She encourages the audience to join in, then turns to Priscilla). I’ll tell you what. If you like, you can come and live with me. It’s not very big, but you’re welcome to stay. Would you like that? (Priscilla nods). Go on then, in you go. (Priscilla goes into the house. Mother Goose goes to audience). Isn’t she lovely? (Enter Jack, Jill & Chorus). Oh, Jill, I’ve got something to tell you. We’ve got a lodger. A great big beautiful goose called Priscilla.

Enter the Squire, with Sam and Ella.

Squire

So, taking in lodgers now, are you? Well, it’s too late – I’m throwing you out. Sam, throw their possessions into the street.

6

Mother Squire

Oh, you can’t do that, where will we live?

That’s not my problem. (He sees the goldfish). And what are these goldfish doing here, making the place look untidy. (He starts toward them).

Audience reaction (hopefully). Enter Billy.

Billy Mother

Thanks, boys and girls. Now then, what’s going on?

He’s throwing us out of our home. What are we going to do? (SFX: Amusing selection of sounds to indicate the laying of a golden egg in MG’s cottage). Quick, Billy, that’s Priscilla, our new lodger, and she sounds in pain. (Billy exits into the cottage. General murmuring from everyone. Billy enters carrying a small golden egg, about the size of a hen’s egg).

Billy Mother

Look, Priscilla’s laid a golden egg!

A golden egg! Let me see. (SFX: More amusing egg-laying sounds, but louder and longer than the first time). Quick Billy, go and see what’s happening.

Mother Goose pushes Billy back into the house and hands the egg to Jill. All on stage turn to watch. Billy comes back out of the house carrying a second golden egg, this time the size of a football.

Billy

Look Mum, Priscilla’s laid another golden egg!

Billy goes to Mother Goose and hands over the egg. SFX: Yet more amusing egg-laying sounds, but even louder and longer than the first two times.

Mother

Quick Billy, Priscilla sounds in agony.

She pushes Billy back towards the house and hands the second egg to Jack. All on stage turn to watch. Billy stagger out of the house carrying a third golden egg, which should be as large as possible.

Billy Mother

Mum - look!

(Taking the egg from Billy). Billy, go back and tell Priscilla to stop… she must be

exhausted. (Billy exits into the house. She takes the small golden egg from Jill and hands it to the Squire). Here, take this and keep the change. You can keep your house.

From now on the Goose family is going up in the world.

All cheer.

MUSIC #4 : ‘WE’RE IN THE MONEY’ FROM ‘42ND STREET’ [MOTHER, JACK, JILL, BILLY, SQUIRE, SAM, ELLA, & CHORUS]

LX: Fade to black.

Scene Two A Side Street in the Village of Sweet Content. Enter Sam followed by Ella.

Sam Ella Sam Ella Sam Ella Sam Ella Sam Ella Sam Ella

Come on, don’t dawdle. … dawdle; no. Alright, I’m coming.

Do you know, Ella, this job isn’t what I expected it to be. It’s not very nice throwing people out of their homes. … their homes; no.

I do wish you’d stop repeating everything I say. You sound like an ‘echo’. … echo; yes. Well, just call me ‘marge’ then.

Very clever! Let me see. Now don’t you try and ‘butter’ me up.

Oh, very ‘lard’-de-dah!

Enough, or I’ll start calling you ‘flora’.

Or ‘poly’.

Polly?

Yes – polyunsaturate!

7

Sam Ella Sam

Ella Sam Ella Squire Sam Squire Ella Sam Squire Sam Squire Sam Ella Sam

Squire Sam

Squire Sam Squire Sam

Squire

Stop, enough of this. If I don’t get some wages soon, we won’t be able to buy any food. … any food; no. Why don’t you ask the Squire for the money that he owes you?

You must be joking. Ever since Mother Goose moved into the biggest house in the village, he’s been in such a bad mood. He’s asked me to try and find out how many eggs Priscilla lays each day and where Mother Goose keeps them. … keeps them; no. She doesn’t keep them… she gives them away.

Really, well never mind that. I’ve got an idea how to wring a little money out of the Squire. … the Squire; yes. (Looking offstage). Well, here he comes now.

(Entering). There you are, Samuel, I’ve been looking for you everywhere. How are you getting on with those ‘special orders’ I gave you?

I have a plan, which I would rather not say too much about at the moment. ‘Mum’s the word’. (Taps nose).

Good, good, excellent. Well, carry on the good work. I must be off. … be off! Yes! Before you go, sir, I was wondering, would it be convenient to settle the little matter of my wages?

Well, since you ask, no, it wouldn’t! However, as you have done a reasonable job so far – how much do I owe you?

Well, I have worked for six weeks at twelve shillings a week. Let me see, that must be eight pounds and twelve shillings.

Eight pounds and twelve shillings… that’s impossible!

That’s what I thought, but I can assure you that it is correct. Let me prove it to you.

Ella, would you obtain the necessary equipment? … equipment; yes. (She exits).

Won’t keep you waiting a second. (Ella enters with blackboard and easel). Thank you. Now, sir. eight pounds and twelve shillings is one hundred and seventy-two shillings isn’t it?

Er, let me see… (he uses his fingers)… yes.

Well, (writing on the board) one hundred and seventy-two divided by six … six into one won’t go… six into seven goes one… six from seven leaves one; bring down the two… six into twelve goes two…

There you are… sixes into one hundred and seventy-two goes twelve.

Yes, but …

Well, if you don’t believe me, let me write down six twelve’s and add them up. That should prove it, yes?

Yes, alright… off you go.

OK, here we go. (Writes up six 12’s under each other).

(Counting the 2’s) Two, four, six, eight, ten, twelve… put down two…

(Counting the 1’s). Twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen… put down seventeen. There you are… one hundred and seventy-two!

Well, well, well! It certainly seems a lot of money, but here we are. (Hands over the money).

Sam

Thank you, sir. (Exits with Ella).

The Squire stands looking at the blackboard, scratching his head and trying to work it out. Suddenly, he realises that he has been tricked again.

Squire

Hey, wait a minute. Sam, Ella, just you wait until I get my hands on you two. Come back!

8

The Squire exits. Enter Jack and Jill.

Oh, Jack, I can hardly believe how happy I am. I’ve never had so much money to spend.

Your Mother is certainly having a good time. She’s buying presents for everybody.

She must be the most popular person in the world.

Well, it won’t last for long.

Why not?

She bought the old schoolhouse yesterday and plans to re-open the school with herself as the teacher.

I wonder how the boys and girls of the village will react when they know that they have to go to school?

I don’t know, but I don’t think that they will be very pleased.

Come on, let not spoil the rest of today. We’ll worry about that tomorrow.

Jill Jack Jill Jack Jill Jack Jill Jack

MUSIC #5 : ‘TOP OF THE WORLD’ BY ‘THE CARPENTERS’ [JACK & JILL] LX: Fade general stage lighting and use follow spots.

Scene Three The Village School. A full stage set representing a village schoolroom. There should be a teacher’s desk and chair, together with benches/chairs for the Chorus to sit on. Around the walls could be charts/maps/posters, etc, but there must be a world map on display. In the desk is a large floor cloth (rolled up/folded) and a duplicate mixing bowl containing some pre-kneaded pastry and a wooden spoon (see ‘Trolley Items’ later). LX: Full stage lighting. As the tabs open, the Chorus, dressed as school children, are engaged in ‘childish’ activities, (eg, conkers, paper darts, skipping etc) Enter Mother Goose, ringing a school bell.

Mother Chorus Mother

Simon Mother

Peter Mother

‘Peanuts’ Mother

Come along, come along, settle down. (The Chorus take their places on benches leaving space for four more people). Now then. Good Morning, children.

Good morning, Mother Goose.

Welcome to the first day of the Spring term at Mother Goose’s Academy for the Performing Arts. I know that we will all… (Enter a Schoolboy). Simon, why are you late for school?

I’m sorry, Mother Goose, but I was throwing peanuts off the railway bridge.

Well, don’t let it happen again. Take your seat and we’ll say no more about it. Now, children, as I was saying, I know that you will all… (Enter another Schoolboy). Peter, you are late for school. I hope that you have a very good reason.

Oh, I have, Mother Goose. I was throwing peanuts off the railway bridge.

You were what? Well, I really don’t know what to say. Take your seat and we’ll talk about this after school. Now where was I? Oh, yes, I am sure that we… (A Schoolgirl enters, covered in bandages, and goes to her seat). Oh, I say, so nice of you to join us. I suppose that the reason you are late is because you were throwing peanuts off the railway bridge?

No, Miss. I am Peanuts!

Just take your seat! As I was saying… (goes to the door and looks out)… as I was saying, I am sure that we are all going to have a wonderful time. Schooldays are the happiest days of your life, and I am going to make sure that each and every one of you has a really super time. (Sees the goldfish bowl). Now who put those fish there, they belong in the pond.

She goes to the bowl; audience reaction. Enter Billy.

Billy Mother

Thanks, boys and girls. Hello Mum. Billy, you should have been here at nine o’clock.

9

Billy Mother Billy Mother

Johnny Mother Mary Mother Billy Mother Billy Mother

Susan Mother Billy Mother ALL Mother

Why, what did I miss?

I meant that you are late. Why is that?

It’s because I sprained my ankle. (Billy suddenly starts limping).

That’s a lame excuse, if ever I heard one. Now sit down over there, where I can keep an eye on you. We will begin with Geography. Johnny, I want you to find Australia on the map for me.

There you are, Miss.

That’s very good. Now, Mary, who discovered Australia?

Johnny did, Miss.

Right. Who knows which is farther away, America or the Moon?

America; because you can see the moon, but you can’t see America.

Billy Goose, come out here. Hold out your hand. (He does so. Mother Goose takes it and holds it and brings down a stick and hits her own hand). Oooowww!

Now I know why you say: “This is going to hurt me more than it does you!”

Go and sit down. Now, as we don’t seem to be getting very far with Geography, perhaps we had better try our hands at English. Now then, Susan, give me a sentence containing the word: ‘gruesome’.

Er… er… my Dad didn’t shave for a week and he grew some whiskers.

Very good. Now, Paul, spell the word ‘needle’ on the blackboard. (Paul goes to the blackboard and writes N E I D L E). No, no, no. There’s no ‘I’ in needle.

Then it’s a rotten needle!

Who said that?

Billy Goose.

Billy, come here. (As Billy comes out, he puts a wooden spoon up his sleeve with the bowl over his palm). Hold out your hand. (She hits the spoon with her stick. Billy screams with pain and goes back to his seat with a big grin and a wink to the audience). Now then, Alice, what is ‘can’t’ short for?

Alice Mother Billy Mother

Cannot.

Correct, and what is ‘don’t’ short for?

Doughnut!

Billy, come here. (Billy repeats the routine with the spoon up his sleeve). Bend over!

(He does and she whacks him across the backside. Billy screams and goes back to his seat). Now then; Andrew, what is the opposite of misery?

Andrew Mother Andrew Mother Billy Mother

Happiness.

Correct, and what is the opposite of sadness?

Gladness.

Correct again, and what is the opposite of woe?

Giddy up!

Billy Goose, come here. (Billy goes through the same routine, this time he puts a book down the back of his trousers). Bend over. (He does and is whacked across the backside. He goes back to his seat with a big wink to the audience. Mother Goose picks up the bell and rings it). Right, out to play and when I ring the bell you must all

come back in.

The Chorus leave the room with much noise. Mother Goose sits at her desk with her head in her hands. Enter Jack and Jill.

Jill Mother Jack

Hello, Mum, what’s the matter?

Oh, it all going wrong. I thought they’d want to go to school and learn all about things they didn’t know.

Well, we did try to warn you they wouldn’t be very happy about it.

Enter the Squire with Sam and Ella.

10

Squire Mother Squire

Mother Ella Mother

What’s going on here? Where is everyone? I thought this was supposed to be a school?

What are you doing here? This is my school and I can do what I like with it.

There is no need to take that tone with me, I merely wish to bring you another two pupils. I shall be back later to check on their progress. (He takes Sam and Ella downstage, away from the others and stage whispers to them). Now, I want to know if the golden eggs are still being laid and what she does with them! (Loudly). Well, here are your lunchboxes, and remember, do everything your teacher tells you.

Goodbye for now, Mother Goose. (He exits).

So, the Squire wants you to be educated, does he? What does he think I am, a miracle worker? OK, Ella, what would you like to learn first?

I’d like to learn how to cook.

Excellent… cooking it is then! (She walks over to Jack). Now then, Jack, I want you to do a few jobs for me. Ring the bell so that everyone comes in from the playground.

Then go down the corridor and collect all the things on this list and bring them back.

(Jack exits, rings the bell and the Chorus drift back on very noisily). Come along, come along, settle down.

Jack enters with a trolley containing all the ingredients for the slapstick (Recipe Book, Machine Gun, a single flower, a small bag of flour, a large mixing bowl, a wooden spoon, a garden sieve, a dustpan and brush, a large salt cellar, butter, a large jug of water, a rolling pin, a pie dish

Jack Mother

Jill Mother Billy Mother Sam Jack Billy Ella Billy

Here you are Mother Goose, everything you wanted.

Good. Now before we start, we must put down a large floor cloth in case we spill anything. Now, move my desk. That’s it. Jill, you take the recipe book and give us our instructions. Jack, Billy, Sam and Ella you can give me a hand. (Jack, Billy, Sam and Ella begin clapping their hands). Oh, yes, very funny! Now the rest of you gather round so that you can see what we’re doing.

(Opening the recipe book). What are you going to make, Mum? A pie.

What sort of pie?

Well, it was going to be a shepherd’s pie, but I couldn’t find any shepherds.

Let’s make a blackbird pie.

How many blackbirds do you need to make a pie?

Twenty-four, of course.

But where can we get twenty-four blackbirds from?

That’s easy, just watch me.

Billy picks up a machine gun from the trolley and fires up into the roof. SFX: machine gun fire. FX: Bits of bird and feathers rain down from above.

Mother

Jill Mother Ella Billy Mother Sam Mother Jill

(Picking up bits of feather, etc). It might just as well be a pigeon pie. You’ve got as

many of them as you have blackbirds. Come on, everyone, put the birds in the pie dish. Now, Jill, what’s first?

First you need some flour.

Right. Hand me the flour, Ella. (Ella hands her a single flower). No, no, no; that’s not the sort I want. I mean the white, powdery sort.

Sorry!

Here you are, Mum. (Hands her a small bag of white flour).

That’s not enough. Sam, will you go and get me a bigger bag of flour?

OK. (He exits).

Right, while we’re waiting for the flour, what do we need to make the pastry in?

(Reading from the book). “One large mixing bowl, a wooden spoon, a sieve, and a dustpan and brush”.

11

Mother Jill Sam Mother Sam Mother Jill Mother

A dustpan and brush! What’s that for?

Well, I’ve seen you make pastry before!

(Entering, carrying a large sack of flour). Here you are, Mother Goose.

Splendid. Is it self-raising?

No, I had to lift it myself!

Come on, Jill, let’s begin.

(Again from the book). Now, the first thing to do is sieve the flour into the bowl and add a pinch of salt.

Come on then, Jack. You hold the bowl, I’ll hold the sieve and Billy can pour the flour into the bowl. (Jack holds the bowl, Mother Goose holds the sieve quite a long way above the bowl and Billy pours the flour straight into the bowl, not through the sieve). Billy, what are you doing? What do you think I am holding this for?

Billy Mother Billy Mother Sam Mother Sam

I don’t know, but you won’t catch much in that, it’s full of holes.

It’s supposed to be, that’s what they mean by sifting. You’re supposed to pour the flour through the sieve.

Oh, right. (He tips the bowl of flour through the sieve and onto the table).

Well, I suppose that’s sifted it. Pass me the dustpan and brush. (She brushes the flour back into the bowl). Now the salt… give me a pinch will you, Sam? If that’s what you want. (He pinches her).

(With great dignity, turning slowly round to face him). When I said: “give me a pinch”, I did not mean me, I meant a pinch of salt!

Sorry, Mother Goose.

Ella goes to the table, picks up the salt, hides it and begins to sneak away.

Mother Ella Mother Jill Mother Jill Mother

Ella, what are you doing?

Ssshhhh … I’m pinching the salt.

I give up, I really do! Bring it here. Thank you. (She puts some salt in the bowl). Jill, what comes next?

Gently mix the butter into the flour and salt.

OK. (She proceeds to mix the butter in with the flour). That’s that. Now what?

Add clean, cold water and stir.

Here goes. (She begins to stir vigorously. It goes everywhere and everyone else stands back).

Ella Jill Mother

It doesn’t seem to be doing anything. What should it look like?

It should be a nice flat dough.

Quick everyone, look! (She points out to the audience. Everyone on stage looks out at the same time, Mother Goose swaps the bowl and spoon for another that is under the table, and continues stirring).

Ella Jill Mother Jill Mother Jill Mother Jill Mother Jill Mother Jack

(Looking into the bowl). Oh look, it’s worked!

Now take the dough out of the bowl and knead it.

What?

You knead the dough.

No, I don’t.

Don’t what?

Need the dough.

Yes, you do.

No I don’t. I’ve got Priscilla, she gives me all the dough I need.

What I meant was, you work the dough with your fingers before you roll it out.

Oh, I see. I thought you meant that I needed the money/dough and not the dough/dough.

The Dodo?

12

Mother Billy Jill

Mother

Yes, the dough/dough.

But I thought the Dodo was extinct?

Stop, stop. That’s enough. Just roll out the pastry and put it onto the pie dish. (Mother Goose puts some bits of bird into the pie dish, rolls out some pastry, and puts it on top of the dish). Now place the pie into a hot oven and leave it for forty minutes.

Billy, take the pie and put it in the oven and wait for it to cook. (Billy takes the pie offstage). Come on, everyone, let’s tidy this place up and then have a song and a

dance.

MUSIC #6 : ‘ON A WONDERFUL DAY LIKE TODAY’ FROM ‘STOP THE WORLD I WANT TO GET OFF’ [MOTHER, JACK, JILL, SAM, ELLA & CHORUS]

SFX: At the end of the number there is a gigantic explosion and Billy rushes on dressed in rags. FX: Smoke wafts on around him.

Billy

Mum, Mum it must have been self-raising flour after all!

Fade to black.

Scene Four A Corridor in the Squire’s Mansion. A corridor (could just be in front of secondary curtains). Enter the Squire.

Squire

A thousand curses on Mother Goose. Now she’s richer than me, she’s more popular than ever. She is giving away money as if it was going out of fashion. I shall have to do something. I need an idea.

FX: Pyrotechnic flash stage left. The Demon King appears. LX: Reduce general stage lighting and use follow spot on Demon King.

Demon

Fear not my friend, I hear your plea.

I have a plan, listen to me.

If golden eggs are keys to wealth Then steal the goose with utmost stealth.

Mother Goose will end up poor, Rather like she was before.

Think on, my friend it’s up to you.

Do what it is you want to do. (He exits).

LX: Restore stage lighting and fade follow spot.

Squire

Now there is an idea, why don’t I steal the goose, or better still, why don’t I get Sam and Ella to do it. That way, if they are caught, no-one can put the blame on me. Oh, I am a clever, conniving Squire. Ah, as luck would have it, here they come now. I’ll hide and sneak up on them.

Enter Sam and Ella.

Sam Ella Sam Ella Sam Ella Sam Ella Sam Ella Sam

(Reciting). “To be, or not to be; that is the…”.

Question?

Yes, what is it?

What’s what?

The question.

What question?

The question that you want to ask me.

But I don’t want to ask you a question.

Yes you do, you just said that you did.

Did what?

Want to ask me a question.

13

Ella Sam Ella Sam Ella Sam Ella Sam Ella Sam Ella Sam Ella Sam Ella Sam Ella Sam Squire

Sam Squire

Ella Squire Sam Squire Sam Squire Ella Squire Sam Squire Ella Squire Sam Squire Sam Squire

What question?

The one you were going to ask me.

When?

Just now, while I was soliloquising.

When you were what?

Soliloquising… you know, reciting my lines.

Oh, I see, but what has that got to do with a question?

Well, I said: “To be, or not to be; that is the…”, and you said, “Question”.

Yes. So why did you say question?

Because you stopped speaking.

So? So… I gave you the next word, just like you told me to.

Oh, I see, you were giving me a prompt.

No, I was giving you the next word.

That is what is meant by giving a prompt.

Look, I know I’m a bit stupid, but wouldn’t it be easier to go off and come on again?

I suppose so, come on.

(Who has been hiding at the side of the stage during the above). Not so fast, Samuel.

I have been watching you and I am in no doubt as to why you are an out of work actor!

But Squire, I will get better.

That’s as maybe. However, I don’t think the audience have got that much time to waste. So let’s get on with the story. We three must get our heads together and hatch out a plot. (Ella starts imitating a hen laying an egg, with much noise). What are you doing?

I’m hatching out a plot, just like you said.

Enough of that; now come here. I have just had the most marvellous idea. You two are going to steal Priscilla from Mother Goose and bring her to me.

How are we going to steal the goose? Mother Goose never lets her out of her sight.

Tomorrow night, Mother Goose is giving a Grand Ball. All the local bigwigs will be there and I have arranged for you two to be employed as a butler and a waitress.

Did you say employed?

I did.

With real wages?

Of course, after I have deducted my fee.

Your fee?

Yes, as I am now your Manager, I shall take my percentage.

And how much is that?

Fifty per cent Fifty per cent! But that’s nearly half of what we get.

Oh, I was forgetting. You will have to hire your costumes from me.

How much will these costumes be?

Exactly the rest of your wages! That will teach you to trick me into paying you. Now there is a lot to be done before tomorrow. But first …

MUSIC #7: ‘BAD GUYS’ FROM ‘BUGSY MALONE’ [SAM & ELLA] LX: Fade to black.

14

Scene Five The Ballroom at Goose Hall. Full stage set. There could be a balustraded rostrum running across the back of the stage with a central staircase leading down onto the stage floor. The décor should be as grand as possible.

LX: Very bright and colourful. As the tabs open, the Chorus are discovered, dressed as waitresses, flunkeys, waiters, etc. They are getting the room ready for the Grand Ball.

Chorus 1 Chorus 2 Chorus 1 Chorus 2 Chorus 3

Chorus 4 Chorus 5 Chorus 1

Chorus Billy Chorus 2 Billy Chorus Billy

Squire Billy

‘Ere, this place is a bit of alright, ain’t it?

You bet! When Mother Goose wants something, she gets it.

Do you think this new found wealth will make any difference to her?

No, she’ll be the same as always - kind, generous and very happy.

‘Ere, look lively, someone’s coming. (Priscilla enters and looks around her). Oh, it’s alright, it’s only Priscilla. Hello, old girl, how are you? (Priscilla dances around to show she is very well). Is it true that you have your own room here in the Hall?

(Priscilla nods). Is it eggsactly as you would like it? (Priscilla nods).

Are you coming to the Ball tonight? (Priscilla nods).

I wonder where all the guests are?

They should be arriving by now. (Priscilla goes to Chorus 1 and whispers). There’s no-one coming? But why? (Priscilla whispers again). Oh dear, dear, dear. Mother Goose will be really upset.

(Together to Chorus 1). Why isn’t anyone coming? Tell us! What did Priscilla say?

(Entering). Hello, what’s going on here? Where are all the guests? Why the long faces?

Ask Priscilla, she’ll tell you.

Ask Priscilla? Come on then, what have you got to tell me? (Priscilla whispers)… No! You don’t say… You don’t say… Well… You… Don’t say!

Come on Billy, why aren’t the guests coming?

She didn’t say! (He laughs). Apparently, all the rich and famous people that Mum invited have decided not to turn up because they are jealous of her new found wealth.

What are we going to do? (Priscilla whispers in Billy’s ear). Priscilla, that is brilliant!

You are a clever old goose. Listen everyone, Priscilla’s just had a terrific idea. Why don’t you all come to the party? Mum won’t mind. Off you go, and let’s make this the best party ever. (The Chorus exit). Now, Priscilla, I want you to find Jack and Jill and tell them to make sure that Mum doesn’t make her grand entrance until everything is ready. OK? (Priscilla nods and exits). So far, so good. Now what’s next?

(Offstage). Hello, hello, anyone at home?

Oh no, it’s the Squire. Trust him to be the only person to accept the invitation.

The Squire enters with Sam and Ella, dressed as a butler and a waitress.

Squire Billy Squire Billy

Ah, my dear Master Goose. How delighted I am to accept your Mother’s kind invitation to her house warming. But where is she?

Er, er… Mum’s not quite ready yet. Why don’t you to onto the terrace and get yourself a drink. I’ll deal with Sam and Ella.

Certainly my boy, certainly. I’ll see you two later. (He exits).

Now then, you two, come here. Sam, I want you to stand at the top of the stairs and announce the guests as they arrive. Ella, you just … (pause) … keep out of the way!

I’m going to get changed.

Exit Billy. Enter the Squire.

Squire Sam Squire

Pssst … Sam, is the coast clear?

Yes, there’s no-one here.

Good. Now remember the plan. During the party, I will distract Mother Goose and you will steal the Goose.

15

Ella Squire

How are you going to distract her?

I don’t know yet, we’ll have to think of something. Let’s put our heads together and come up with a plan.

They go into a silent huddle. FX: flash stage right. Fairy Paxo appears. LX: Reduce overall stage lighting and use follow spot on Fairy Paxo.

Paxo

A Fairy greeting to you all.

Well, here we are then, at the Ball.

I thought I would just pop along.

But no-one’s here; is something wrong?

Those three look shifty, I have no doubt They’re up to mischief, I’ll listen out.

I’ll turn up the volume so we can hear.

And see if it is as I fear.

Paxo waves her wand over the group. SFX: a ‘magical’ sound, possibly the tinkling of tiny bells. LX: Slightly increase the overall stage lighting.

Squire Sam Squire Ella Squire Ella Squire Ella

Right, so the plan is as follows. During the Party, I will pretend to be madly and passionately in love with Mother Goose.

Rather you than me!

It won’t be easy, but I will be successful and the goose will be mine.

How will we know when to snatch the goose?

When Mother Goose has fallen for my wit and my charm, I will say in a very loud voice: “Gooseness gracious me”. That’s your cue to steal the goose.

Is anyone else trying to steal the goose?

No, why do you ask?

Well, you said there would be a queue to steal the goose.

Fairy Paxo waves her wand over the group and they become silent. SFX: the ‘magical’ sound. LX: Slightly decrease the overall stage lighting.

I can’t stay invisible for very much longer, I’ll come back later, when I’m stronger.

But don’t you worry, I’ll not go far.

I’ll see you soon, for now, ta-ta! (She exits).

Paxo

LX: Restore full stage lighting and fade follow spot.

Squire

Right, I’ll go outside and you can announce me in a minute, Sam. Look out, here come the others.

The Squire exits, and Sam and Ella take up their places. The Chorus enter in all their finery. Jack and Jill appear at the top of the stairs.

Sam

Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome Jack Horner and Jill Goose. (Jack and Jill come down the stairs). Master Billy Goose and Priscilla. (Billy enters with Priscilla).

The Squire of Sweet Content. (Enter the Squire). Ladies and Gentlemen, please give a huge welcome to the Lady who has made this night possible. The hostess with the mostest … Mother Goose.

Enter Mother Goose.

MUSIC #8: ‘HELLO, DOLLY’ FROM ‘HELLO, DOLLY’ [MOTHER & CHORUS] NOTE: CHANGE ‘DOLLY’ TO ‘GOOSEY’ ETC

LX: Possible use of follow spot(s) on Mother Goose. At the end of the number the Chorus group around the stage. LX: Fade follow spot(s) on Mother Goose.

16

Mother

Jill Mother Jill Mother Jill Mother

(Taking Jill downstage, away from everyone). Jill, why are all the people from the

village here? I’m very pleased to see them, but where are all the Lords and Ladies we invited; the Dukes and Duchesses, the Princes and Princesses, and highest of all… (insert name of topical celebrity or politician). Where are they? They should have been here to meet me.

Oh, Mum. I’m sorry, but they didn’t turn up.

None of them?

Not one.

Not even … (insert name of topical celebrity or politician)?

Not even him/her.

Oh, well, that will teach me to get ideas above my station. Listen, everyone, welcome to Goose Hall. Tonight we’re going to have the best party our little village has ever seen. After supper there will be a treasure hunt and the winner will receive a golden egg. Now, off to the terrace, where supper will be served.

All exit. The Squire goes towards Mother Goose.

Squire Mother Squire Mother Squire Mother Squire Mother

My dear, dear Mother Goose. May I say how magnificent you look tonight?

Yes, you may.

Pardon?

I said, yes you may say how magnificent I look.

Oh, I see. Mother Goose, you look magnificent.

Thank you.

Would you care to sit down?

Thank you.

Sam and Ella have remained on stage and are ‘busy’.

Squire Mother Squire Mother Squire Mother Squire

I have dreamt of this moment, the moment when we are alone together, just you and me.

Don’t you try any funny business with me, I know what you’re after. You’re only interested in me because I’m rich and fabulously good looking.

That’s not true.

What do you mean, it’s not true?

Now, now, now. Sit down. What I meant was, that you are too good looking for mere words to describe. You are indescribable.

Oh, am I really? I am being such a silly little goose. Can you ever forgive me?

(Loudly). Gooseness gracious me, of course I can.

Sam and Ella give him a thumbs up sign and exit.

Mother Squire

Perhaps I have misjudged you, Squire. You see, I thought you were only interested in me because of my money.

(Taking Mother Goose downstage). Your money? Oh, how could you think such a thing. Money means nothing to me.

MUSIC #9 : ‘WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE?’ FROM ‘HIGH SOCIETY’ [SQUIRE & MOTHER ] During the song, Sam and Ella are seen upstage, trying various ways to capture Priscilla, ie, large butterfly net, rope, etc. They cross from one side of the stage to the other, always trying something new. The Squire keeps looking over his shoulder, but Mother Goose is totally unaware of what is happening. As the song ends Priscilla pushes a tied-up Sam and Ella onstage.

Mother Ella

What’s been going on? What have you been doing? Priscilla are you alright?

I’m sorry, Sir, but Priscilla didn’t want to be stolen.

17

Mother Squire

Mother

Stolen! What do you mean? Were you trying to steal Priscilla? How dare you, get out of my house this instant.

Did you really think that I would be interested in an ugly, moth-eaten old windbag?

You may have money, but you will never hide the fact that you are bandy-legged, knock-kneed and ugly!

Get out, go away, leave me alone.

Priscilla chases them off. Mother Goose sits and cries. FX: a flash. Enter the Demon King, stage left. LX: Reduce overall stage lighting and use follow spot on Demon King.

Demon

My plan is working, she sits and cries, I’ll add to her misery; tell her more lies.

FX: A flash stage right and Fairy Paxo appears. LX: Use follow spot on Fairy Paxo.

Paxo

Hold it right there. Mother Goose go to sleep, And try not to fidget, or listen or peep.

(Fairy Paxo waves her wand over Mother Goose who falls instantly asleep. SFX: the ‘magical’ sound).

Demon

Your lies will not work… go back down below, And leave Mother Goose to get on with the show.

She’s genuinely happy, content with her lot.

But she still craves for something that she has not got!

A seed has been planted, and I want you to know, That now as she sleeps, it begins to grow.

She may seem happy, but you wait and see.

When she wants her youth, she’ll soon call for me.

I offer you a challenge, with the goose as the prize I’ll change Mother Goose in front of your eyes.

And if she changes, the goose comes to me, And the eggs will be mine for eternity.

Paxo

But if you should fail, what will you do?

I know; I break your pitchfork in two.

Without that accessory, you’re all but lost!

Do you still want to challenge, if that is the cost?

Demon

I accept the conditions, and now I must go.

So for now, farewell, and on with the show.

Exit the Demon King stage left. LX: Fade follow spot.

Paxo

I, too must be off – so awake with a yawn, And continue the party and dance until dawn.

Fairy Paxo waves her wand over Mother Goose who becomes instantly awake. SFX: the’magical’ sound. Fairy Paxo exits stage right. LX: Restore full stage lighting and fade follow spot.

Mother

Well, that was a funny dream. It felt as though people were talking about me. (She touches her ears). Maybe they were, my ears are burning.

Enter Jack, Jill, Billy, Priscilla & Chorus.

Jack Billy Jill

Mother Goose that was great. Sorry, but all the food has gone.

Yes, we didn’t realise how hungry we were until we started eating.

Are you alright, Mum? You don’t seem your usual self.

18

Mother Billy Mother Billy

I’m alright, just a bit tired, that’s all.

I know just the thing to wake you up.

What’s that?

(Insert a line that links into the next number).

MUSIC #10 : ANY UPBEAT SONG [MOTHER GOOSE, BILLY, JACK, JILL, PRISCILLA & CHORUS] LX: Fade to blackout.

END OF ACT ONE

INTERVAL MUSIC #11 : ANY SUITABLE MUSIC AS AN ENTR’ACTE

ACT TWO Scene One The Kitchen at Goose Hall. A full stage set depicting a kitchen. There is a kitchen table and chairs at the back of the stage ready to be moved into position at the end of the opening number. LX: Bright and colourful. As the tabs open the Chorus, Jack, Jill, Billy and Priscilla are tidying up the kitchen after the Ball the night before.

The Chorus are dressed as waiters, waitresses, flunkeys, etc, as in the previous scene.

MUSIC # 12 : ‘TAP YOUR TROUBLES AWAY’ FROM ‘MACK AND MABEL’ [JACK, JILL, BILLY, PRISCILLA & CHORUS]

Jack Jill Jack Jill Billy Jack Billy Girl 1 Girl 2

Come on, everyone, let’s get this place tidied up.

It was a lovely party, wasn’t it Jack? When we get married, I want a party just like it.

Oh, Jill.

Oh, Jack.

Oh no! (To the audience). Now it’s going to get slushy and sloppy. Urgghh!

(Laughing). Sorry, Billy. But one day you’ll know what it’s like to be in love.

Not me! I’m never going to fall in love. I’m going to have lots of friends, but definitely not a girl-friend.

Oh, Billy, can’t I be your girlfriend?

Oh no, let me be your girlfriend.

The Chorus girls all crowd round Billy, teasing and tickling him.

Girls

C’mon Billy. How about me, Billy? I’ll be your girlfriend, etc.

The Chorus boys stand around and enjoy the ragging.

Billy

Stop it, let me go. Enough’s enough. This is not funny! etc,.

Enter Mother Goose with a large ice pack on her head.

Mother

Sshhh, be quiet. (She staggers to a chair and sits down, exhibiting all the signs of a hangover).

Jill Mother

Good afternoon, Mum. Did you have a good sleep?

Quietly, quietly. Don’t speak too loudly. I have a terrible hangover… I mean headache.

19

Jack

I know a very good cure for a hangover. You get a large glass and pour into it one measure of whisky, one measure of gin, one measure of tomato sauce and three raw eggs. Mix them together and swallow in one gulp.

During this Mother Goose moves the ice pack from her head, clutches her stomach and groans.

Billy

Look, it’s worked! Now she’s holding her stomach instead of her head.

All cheer.

Mother

(Shouting). QUIET! (She groans and puts the ice pack back on her head).

The Chorus exit on tiptoe without making a sound. The last person to go off suddenly turns and moves next to Mother Goose and does a flashy, noisy tap dance and then exits.

Mother Billy

Just because her father is the local plumber, there’s no need for her to show off her tap dancing!

Here, look Mum. This is real tap dancing! (He holds up a pair of taps tied by strings to a piece of wood, like a puppet).

Mother

Oooohh, you really try my patience sometimes. Can’t you see that I am suffering here? Go away and play with those where I can’t see you.

Exit Billy.

Jill Mother Jill Mother

Jill Jack Mother Jill Mother Jack Jill Mother Jill Mother Billy Mother Billy Mother Billy Mother Billy Mother Billy Mother Billy

Mum, can I ask you something?

Of course. Just ask it quietly.

Now we’ve got a little bit of money, could Jack and I set a date to be married?

Oh dear me, no! That’s out of the question. You’re far too young. Besides, now that you come from a family of some importance, you will have the pick of all the most eligible young men in the country.

But I don’t want an eligible young man, I want to marry Jack!

Mother Goose, I love Jill and would do anything to marry her.

But you have no breeding. I want my daughter to marry someone important, with a title.

But I don’t want to marry someone with a title. I want to marry Jack.

Well, you can’t! So let’s hear no more about it.

Come on, Jill, let’s leave her alone with her headache.

(Crying). You don’t care how miserable you make me, do you? Because you’re old and ugly and will never get married again, you want to stop me!

I beg your pardon! Say that again!

You’re very old and very ugly. (She runs off followed by Jack).

Ungrateful little madam. Me old! Ridiculous! There’s plenty of life in this old body.

I’m like a vintage motor car, I just need gentle handling and fine tuning.

(Calling as he enters). Mum… Mum… Mum… There’s no need to shout, I’m here!

Can I have a pound to buy the latest (insert name of current female popstar) CD? Certainly not! What a waste of money. Now if it was that nice good looking (insert current male celebrity), that would be different.

But I only want a pound. Surely now that you’ve got all those golden eggs, you can spare me a pound.

When I was your age, I didn’t have money to waste on CD’s.

(To the audience). No, when she was my age, CD’s hadn’t been invented.

My Mother didn’t give me money to waste.

Then you must have had a rotten mother, just like I have.

What’s wrong with your Mother?

She’s mean, old and ugly and I never want to see her again. (He exits).

20

Mother

Ugly, am I? So that’s what they think of me. If only I could be young and beautiful again. I’d show them!

FX: a flash. The Demon King appears. LX: Reduce overall stage lighting and use follow spot on Demon King.

Mother Demon

Ooohh, my giddy aunt. I shouldn’t have had those gherkins last night.

Be not afraid, I heard your wish I offer you beauty and youth on a dish.

Just before midnight, when the air is cool Go into the forest to the magic pool.

Once beneath it’s transforming water You’ll soon have the age and looks of your daughter.

You must come alone, but before I go.

This is our little secret – let no-one else know! (He exits).

LX: Restore full stage lighting and fade follow spot.

Mother

It must definitely have been the gherkins! Youth and beauty and all I have to do is take a bath in a magic pool. I must be dreaming. (FX: There is a knock on the door).

Now, who on earth could this be? (Shouting). Come in.

Ella enters, still wearing her waitress outfit. She must appear to be in some sort of disguise, which is obvious to all, except Mother Goose.

Ella

(Said as if she has learnt a script and is trying to remember the lines). Good

afternoon, Madam. My name is Miss Ella Phant and I work for the French Maid House Cleaning Service. Why do all your own cleaning when you can hire not one, not two, but three French Maids to do it for you. Let us show you what we can do.

Cue music!

MUSIC #13 : ‘THREE LITTLE MAIDS’ FROM ‘THE MIKADO’ [ELLA, SAM & THE SQUIRE] NOTE: CHANGE ‘LITTLE’ TO ‘FRENCH’

During the introduction, Sam and the Squire, also dressed as French Maids, dance onto the stage and join Ella.

When the number ends, they strike a pose.

Mother Sam Mother Sam Mother Squire Mother Squire Mother Squire Mother Squire Mother Squire Mother Squire Ella

Well, I don’t know what to say! Have you any references?

Here is one from the Buzzards of Burnt Ash. (He hands her a reference).

Were they the Great Crested Buzzards?

No, madam, the Lesser Spotted Buzzards, they were hardly ever seen.

(Taking the reference). Thank you. Any others?

This one is from Bernard Matthews. (He hands her a reference).

(Taking it). Thank you. Oh, it says here that your work was ‘bootiful’. What sort of work did you do?

I was in charge of cleaning out the plucking rooms.

Pardon?

The plucking rooms – I had to clear away the plucked feathers.

Did you enjoy it?

Oh, yes. I particularly enjoyed clearing away the goose feathers, especially the very large geese.

Well, perhaps we can put your talents to good use. I have a very special goose, called Priscilla. She lives with me in this mansion. It will be your job to clear up after her.

Thank you, madam. I look forward to starting as soon as I can.

Now, I’m just going to powder my nose. You stay here and when I get back we’ll discuss your duties. (She exits).

Ha! Silly old fool. Sam, you and I will look for the eggs. Ella, you keep watch.

I know a rhyme about a goose, shall I tell you it?

21

Squire Ella

If you must.

Ok, here it comes…

Squire Sam Squire Ella

One day a poor nervous goose / Was frightened to death by a moose / It stood on one leg / And laid a big egg / The all of its feathers came loose!

(Dismissively). Thank you. Any luck yet, Sam? No, how about you?

Nothing.

(Looking offstage). Look out, she’s coming back!

All three rush to the centre of the stage and strike an exaggeratedly innocent pose. Mother Goose enters with Priscilla.

Mother

So sorry, to have kept you waiting. This is Priscilla. Priscilla, say hello to your new maids. (Priscilla paws the ground in a menacing manner and begins to chase the Squire, Sam and Ella around the room). Priscilla, Priscilla, stop it!

Priscilla trips up the Squire and pulls his wig off.

Squire Mother Squire Mother

Get this overgrown budgie off me.

You again! Thought you could trick me, did you? How dare you. Get out of this house this minute.

You think you are the bees-knees now that you have money. Well, believe me, money can’t buy everything. You may have wealth, but you’ll always be ugly.

Get out, go on, get out, I never want to see you again. (Priscilla chases the Squire, Sam and Ella off. She calls after them). Ugly, am I? Now what did that man say? Go the pool in the forest and beauty will be mine. I’ll leave the kids a note, then we’ll see what they think of their old Mum!

Mother Goose exits. Priscilla enters and looks around.

Billy

(Offstage, calling). Mum, mum. (Enters). Hello, Priscilla, have you seen Mum? (Priscilla nods her head). Is she here? (Priscilla shakes her head). I came to say I was

sorry for being so rude to her. I didn’t mean to be, but ever since you started laying all those golden eggs, she’s changed. I’ve heard that money goes to people’s heads sometimes and I think that’s what’s happened to Mum. At least you haven’t changed.

I’m glad that we’re still friends.

MUSIC #14 : ANY SUITABLE SONG ABOUT FRIENDSHIP [BILLY WITH PRISCILLA] LX: Fade to black.

Scene Two One the way to the Magic Pool. A front of curtains scene depicting a forest (could just be in front of secondary curtains. LX: Subdued (possibly using patterned gobo’s to give the effect of light falling though trees. As the tabs open, Mother Goose enters wearing a bathing outfit and carrying a large beach bag (and possibly a beach ball, rubber ring, etc).

Mother

(Singing). “Oh, I do like to be beside the seaside, Oh, I do like to be beside the sea”.

(She sees the audience). Hello, do you like the outfit? I bought it at Marks and

Spencer’s. I said to the assistant: “May I try on the swimsuit in the window?” And she said: “No, madam, you have to use the fitting room like everyone else!”. Now, I can’t stand here talking to you, I’ve an appointment at the beauty parlour. (Enter Priscilla).

Hello, Priscilla, what are you doing here? It’s very late, you should be at home in bed.

(Priscilla goes to Mother Goose and whispers in her ear). You want me to come home as well? (Priscilla nods). I’m sorry, Priscilla, but this is my only chance to 22

become young and beautiful. I must be at the Magic Pool by midnight; if I don't hurry I’ll be late. Now go on, off you go. (Priscilla grabs Mother Goose’s bag and tries to pull her off stage). Priscilla, don’t be naughty. Now let go of my bag. (Priscilla shakes her head and, of course, the bag). Alright, if you won’t let go, I will just have to leave it behind. Goodbye, Priscilla, next time you see me, I shall be young and beautiful again.

Mother Goose exits singing: ‘I Feel Pretty’ from ‘West Side Story’. Priscilla wanders around the stage with the bag in her mouth. Enter Jack and Jill.

Jill Jack Jill Jack Jill

Jack

Oh, Jack, I’m so worried about Mum. If only she hadn’t gone off like that.

Don’t worry, we’ll find her. The note says she’s gone to find youth and beauty in the forest. She must have come this way – I can smell her aftershave.

Look, there’s Priscilla. What’s she got in her mouth?

It looks like a beach bag. It must be your mother’s. Who else would take a beach bag into the middle of the forest?

Priscilla, Priscilla, come here.. Do you know where Mum is? (Priscilla nods). Did she come this way? (Priscilla nods again). Come on Jack, she can’t be very far ahead, let’s try and catch up with her. (She exits).

Like Mother, like daughter! Priscilla, do you think there’s any truth in the rumour that girls grow up to look like their mother? (Priscilla nods). Oh, well, let’s hope that Jill is the exception! Are you coming with us? (Priscilla shakes her head). See you later then.

Exit Jack. FX: There is a flash stage right and Fairy Paxo enters LX: Reduce overall stage lighting and use follow spot on Fairy Paxo.

Paxo

It’s me again, just passing through, And thought I’d see what was to do. (Priscilla runs across the stage and nudges her).

Come, come Priscilla; what’s the matter? (Priscilla whispers).

Oh, I see, you want a natter.

But wait, there’s something wrong, I fear, So come one, whisper, in my ear. (Priscilla does so).

The Demon King’s tricked her, made her vain And promised her, her youth again.

Come, Priscilla, we must be quick If we’re to foil this evil trick.

I’ll away, consult HQ, And find out what I have to do.

I won’t be long, I’m in a hurry.

You stay here – and do not worry.

Fairy Paxo exits. LX: Restore stage lighting and fade follow spot on Fairy Paxo. Priscilla goes over to the goldfish bowl with audience reaction. Enter Billy.

Billy

(Entering). Who’s tampering with my goldfish? Oh, it’s you Priscilla. What’s the matter? Why are you out here at this time of night? (Priscilla whispers and gets very animated). Wait a minute, wait a minute, slow down a bit. Now, Mum has gone off

into the forest looking for a magic pool; yes, I know, she left a note, but surely she didn’t mean it? Isn’t it a joke? (Priscilla shakes her head). Alright, even if that’s true, do you really expect me to believe that you were talking to a fairy? (Priscilla nods).

Look, I’ll ask the boys and girls. (To the audience). Did you see Priscilla talking to a fairy? (Hopefully the audience will answer ‘yes’). Oh no, you didn’t. (Usual routine).

Oh, stop, stop. I’m worn out with all that shouting. Come on, Priscilla, let’s go and see if we can find her before she does something silly.

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Billy and Priscilla exit. LX: Fade to blackout.

24

Scene Three The Magic Pool – deep in the Forest. A full stage set depicting a forest glade. The edge of a pool surrounded by bushes etc, needs to be visible in the back corner of the stage. It must be possible for Mother Goose to exit from the pool offstage (unseen by the audience) to change her costume). LX: Dark and mysterious; follow spot on the Demon King. FX: There is a flash stage left. The Demon King appears, laughing

.Demon

Welcome friends, to the Magic Pool, We’re awaiting the entrance of a Fool!

Not long now – ‘tis nearly time, To hear the bells of midnight chime.

She’s almost caught within my noose, And when she bathes, she’ll lose the goose.

But here she is, the fun begins, And I’ll make sure the best man wins!

Enter Mother Goose, looking around her at the forest LX: Bring up overall stage lighting.

Mother Demon Mother Devil Mother

Demon Mother

Perhaps this wasn’t such a good idea. Let’s just forget it. Bye bye. (She goes to exit).

Wait, Mother Goose, have you forgot You came to get what you have not.

That’s true, but I didn’t expect it to be so dark and gloomy.

(Gesturing to the pool). Into the water; come on then, be quick.

It’s all very well, but I get seasick!

Oh, very well then, here we go, I’m off to see the depths below. (She goes over and steps into the pool).

Ooh, it’s not very warm, in fact, it’s freezing.

I’ll catch a cold and end up sneezing.

Enough’s, enough, I’ll help you dive. (He advances towards her with his trident).

How do I know that I’ll survive?

FX: There is a flash down stage right and Fairy Paxo enters. LX: Follow spot on Fairy Paxo.

Paxo

Mother

Demon Mother Demon Paxo Mother Demon

Stay, Mother Goose, do not dive under; And let his plans be wrecked asunder.

Think hard before this step you take And come out of that filthy lake!

Think what you have, do not be vain.

You’re bound to lose more than you gain.

(Blows her whistle). OK, OK, that’s enough. (She walks out of the pool and down between the two of them). I have got more important things to do than to stand around here listening to you two. (To the Demon King). Thanks very much, but I’ve changed my mind. Bye, bye.

Not so fast, I’ve one more trick.

Look into this mirror, double quick.

It’s me, I look so old and grey I wish it all would go away.

Into the pool then, don’t delay.

Youth and beauty are on their way.

Think on, Mother Goose, you’re all but lost.

You’ve yet to learn what this will cost.

It matters not, I’ll pay the price To have my beauty in a trice.

Then in you go, the pool awaits you.

When you’ve bathed, pay up what’s due.

25

Paxo Mother

Ignore the tempting tale he tells Think what you’re doing – resist his spells.

I’ll hear no more – my minds made up.

One dazzling nose-dive coming up.

Mother Goose runs and dives into the pool. SFX: There is a large splash noise.

Demon Paxo Demon Paxo

Summon the goose, I claim my spoils.

‘Tis a fitting prize for all my toils.

I can’t refuse; a bet’s a bet.

And what you ask for, you shall get.

No more delays then, give her to me.

Very well then, one, two, three…

FX: There is a flash stage right and Priscilla enters.

Demon

Priscilla, you are mine for good; And now it’s time to leave the wood.

I know not where, I know not when, But farewell Paxo, we’ll meet again.

The Demon King exits stage left with Priscilla. LX: Fade follow spot on Demon King.

Paxo

Alas and alack, I too must away.

To see if I can save the day.

LX: Restore overall stage lighting, fade follow spot on Fairy Paxo and switch on UV Lighting. Fairy Paxo exits stage right. SFX: The Demon King’s mocking laughter is heard echoing around the stage. Enter Billy from stage right and the Squire and Sam from stage left.

Billy Squire & Sam Billy Squire Billy Sam Squire Sam Billy Sam Squire Billy Squire Billy

Squire

Billy Squire

(Calling). Priscilla, Priscilla, where are you?

(Together). Here, Priscilla, where are you?

What are you two doing here?

I was just going to ask you the same question.

I’m looking for Priscilla, one minute she was next to me and the next she had vanished. But wait a minute, why are you looking for Priscilla?

Oh, er, well… we, er…

What this fool is trying to say is that we were looking for Priscilla to apologise.

Here, what’s this? (Holding up Mother Goose’s beach bag).

That’s Mums beach bag. So it is true, she is looking for a magic pool.

(At the edge of the pool). This must be the pool. It doesn’t look very magic to me. In fact it niffs a bit.

That’s probably because Mother Goose has taken a bath in it!

Don’t you be so rude about my Mum. Well, really. Who but your Mother would go swimming at midnight in the middle of the forest?

Wait a minute. Priscilla was carrying Mum’s beach bag. She must be around here somewhere. What have you done with her? (He grabs the Squire’s lapels and starts shaking him).

(Struggling to break free). Sam, Sam, get this lunatic off me. (Sam does so and holds Billy with his hands behind his back). Now then, my lad, let me make this plain. I

have not seen or done anything to Priscilla.

Then where is she? The beach bag didn’t get here by itself.

I don’t know, but she must be around here somewhere, let’s look for her.

The Squire, Sam and Billy spread out across the stage and call for Priscilla. They eventually hide behind flats, etc, as the lights dim to blackout for a dance under UV light.

26

MUSIC #15 : ‘DANCE OF THE SUGAR PLUM FAIRY’ FROM ‘THE NUTCRACKER’ SUITE

BY TCHAIKOVSKY [CHORUS]

Dancers are dressed in black tights, black polo neck shirts, white shoes, white tu-tu’s and white feathers in their hair, ie, ballerinas. Towards the end of the number Mother Goose make a grand entrance and dances solo. The lights gradually return to full stage lighting. At the end of the number Mother Goose is preening herself, centre stage. She is now glamorous and graceful. Sam, the Squire and Billy enter and look on admiringly. A follow spot is now used on Mother Goose.

Mother

Squire Billy Sam Mother

It worked, it worked. I’m beautiful. Oh, if only I had known it was so easy, I’d have had a bath years ago! (There is a wolf whistle from one of the band). I might have known you lot would be interested in me. It just proves that there is life in this old fiddle yet. Well, you can look but you mustn’t touch!

What a magnificent creature!

Wowee!

What a girl!

Oh! (She starts to preen again). Hello, boys. (She walks across the stage and poses seductively against the proscenium arch). Come up and see me sometime.

There is a mad rush towards her, but the Squire gets there first and pushes the other two away.

Squire

Allow me, madam, to introduce myself. I am the Squire of the local village and I would like you to know you are the girl of my dreams.

Mother Oh, but surely I’m bandy-legged, knock-kneed and look like the back end of a bus?

Squire Never… the man who said that must be a fool.

Mother If you say so.

Sam (Coming forward and dropping onto one knee and offering her a red rose). My darling, please accept this rose as a token of my love and admiration.

Billy (Coming forward and dropping onto one knee and offering her a red rose). I will never love another, you are the girl I have dreamed of.

Mother Well, well, well. Three men all falling over themselves to lavish their attentions on me. I’m glad I had the treatment. Well boys, shall we?

All Three Men What?

Mother Sing of course! What did you expect? No, don’t answer that, this is a family show.

(To the band). Music, maestro, please.

MUSIC #16 : ‘I COULD BE HAPPY WITH YOU’ FROM ‘THE BOYFRIEND’ [MOTHER, SQUIRE, SAM & BILLY] Mother All Three Men Mother All Three Men Mother

And now, shall I let you into a little secret?

Yes, please!

Do you want to know who I am?

Oh, yes!

I’m Mother Goose!

They all react.

Billy Squire Sam Mother Billy Squire Sam

Mum! It can’t be!

I don’t believe it!

It’s true. I took a bath in the magic pool and when I came out I was this captivating little creature you see before you. What to you say to that?

But I don’t want you to be my Mum, I want my real Mum back. I never want to see you again. (He exits).

Look at you, you’re nothing but mutton dressed up as lamb. You didn’t fool me for a minute! (The Squire exits).

You painted hussy!

27

Sam exits. Mother Goose looks around her. SFX: The sound of the Demon King’s laughter echoes around the stage. Mother Goose covers her ears.

Mother

What have I done? How could I have been so stupid? I only wanted to be young and beautiful and now that I am, I’ve lost my friends and even my own son has turned his back on me. Oh, why couldn’t I have been content with what I had?

FX: There is a flash stage right. Fairy Paxo enters. LX: Reduce overall stage lighting and use follow spot on Fairy Paxo.

Paxo

Mother Paxo

Mother

Poor Mother Goose, you have your youth, But now, alas, you’ve learnt the truth.

You weren’t content with what you had But at least you were happy, where now you are sad.

Why did I do it? Oh, I wish I could go back to what I was.

There is still time to make amends, To put things right before panto ends.

Go back in the pool, your looks you will lose, And once more you will be the old Mother Goose.

I’ve learnt my lesson and now it’s time for me to return to what I was. Farewell to youth, farewell to beauty. Here we go then.

She runs to the pool and dives in. There is a loud splash. During this Fairy Paxo makes her exit. SFX: a very loud splash. LX: Restore full stage lighting and fade follow spot on Fairy Paxo. Enter Jack and Jill.

Jill Jack Jill

Oh, Jack. We’ve walked all night and haven’t found any sign of the magic pool.

Perhaps it doesn’t exist.

Don’t let’s give up just yet. Look, isn’t that your Mother’s beach bag? Priscilla must be around somewhere. (Calling). Priscilla, Priscilla?

I hope that Mum’s alright.

Ella calls for Sam offstage.

Jack.

Jill Jack Ella

Jill Ella Jack Ella Jack Ella Jack Mother Jill Ella Jack Jill Mother Ella

Listen, isn’t that Ella?

Yes, I wonder what she can be doing here in the woods.

(Calling). Ella, Ella, over here.

(Entering). Jack, Jill! Oh, I am glad to see you. I’ve been walking all night trying to find Sam. He went off with the Squire to try and steal Priscilla again. I tried to stop them, but they wouldn’t listen.

But I thought you and Sam were on our side now?

So did I, but the Squire said that he would pay for Sam to go to drama school if he helped him steal Priscilla.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. We can discuss this later. The important thing now is to find your Mother.

What is she doing here in the forest in the middle of the night?

It’s a long story and we’ll tell you later, but the shortened version is that she has gone swimming in this pool.

But it’s filthy!

I know that and you know that, but apparently Mother Goose didn’t notice.

(Offstage). OOOH! OOOOOOOH! What’s that noise?

It sounded like someone saying: “OOOH! OOOOOOOH!” In fact, it sounded like your Mother.

Mum, Mum. Is that you? Are you hurt?

(Offstage). OOOH! OOOOOOOH! I think she must have got water in her ears and gone deaf.

28

Jack Jill Jill Mother

I’m going in to see if I can help her.

Be careful, Jack. (As Jack starts towards the pool, Mother Goose appears clutching her head and moaning. She is dressed as at the beginning of the show).

Mum, what happened?

Oh, it was like a bad dream. I was standing here, and there was a Fairy and the Demon King each telling me what to do. The Demon King offered to make me beautiful and I agreed and jumped into the pool. When I came out no-one liked me and so I went back in again and here I am. Oh, take me home to my lovely house and all my friends.

Enter Fairy Paxo. FX: Pyrotechnic flash stage right. LX: Reduce overall stage lighting and use follow spot for Fairy Paxo.

Paxo Mother Jill Paxo Mother Paxo

Poor Mother Goose, have you forgot What you had once, you now have not.

Oh, that’s right. Jill, my vanity has cost us dear. We’ve lost everything.

Even Priscilla?

Even Priscilla.

Oh, she was so kind and giving and all I’ve done is drive her away. Isn’t there some way I can make amends?

There is one thing that can be done.

You must go to the land beyond the sun.

And speak to the Queen who rules the geese.

It is with her you must make your peace.

I’ll fix a time for you to appear, So be ready and waiting, and be of good cheer.

Now, instead of just waiting with anticipation.

Go straight into – Audience Participation.

Mother Goose steps forward as the secondary curtains close behind her.

Scene Four A Sidestreet in the Village of Sweet Content. A front of tabs scene depicting a village street (could be just in front of secondary curtains.

Isn’t it exciting? I’m going to meet a Queen! Hello, what are those goldfish doing there? I’d better move them out of the way.

Mother Goose goes towards the bowl; audience reaction. Billy enters.

Billy How many times do I have to tell you to leave my fish alone?

Mother Does this mean that you are speaking to me now? Good, now come on, let’s have a sing-song with the boys and girls.

Mother

MUSIC #17 : A CURRENT ‘VERSE & CHORUS’ POPULAR SONG [MOTHER, BILLY & AUDIENCE] During a little chat that goes on between Mother Goose and the audience after the first verse, the Chorus go down the aisle and each select a ‘friend’ who they will take up onto the stage. At the end of the audience participation, Fairy Paxo appears stage right. FX: Pyrotechnic flash stage right.

Paxo

Come, Mother Goose, no hesitating.

We must away, the Queen is waiting.

LX: Quick fade to black.

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Scene Five The Court of the Queen of Gooseland. A full stage set depicting the Court of Gooseland. It must have a throne for the Queen and an area for the jury to sit, together with a witness box and a seat for the defendant (Mother Goose). LX: Very bright and colourful. The scene opens with the Chorus sitting as a jury. SFX: There is a fanfare. All stand as the Queen Of Gooseland enters.

Queen

Guard Echo Paxo Queen

Mother Queen Mother Queen Mother Queen Mother Queen Mother Queen Jack Queen Jack Queen Jack Queen Jack Queen Jill Queen Jill Billy Queen Ella Queen

Please be seated. (The jury sit). We are gathered here today to hear a very sad tale.

Our beloved Priscilla, has been sentenced to a life of misery by the very person she was sent to help. Never in the history of Gooseland has there been such a crime. Fairy Paxo has asked that the perpetrator of this crime be given a chance to plead her case.

Summon Fairy Paxo.

Summon Fairy Paxo.

(Offstage). Summon Fairy Paxo.

(Entering, she curtseys). Your Majesty, Mother Goose and her friends are here.

Very well, don’t delay, let them appear. (Mother Goose, Billy, Jack, Jill and Ella enter). Mother Goose, take your place on the stand. (Mother Goose does so). This is a Court of Enquiry to find out what has happened to our beloved Priscilla. She was sent to reward you for your many kindnesses to others, but has been sentenced to a lifetime of misery. What have you to say?

Oh, your majesticalness. I have come to try and right a terrible wrong.

Then you do admit that what you did was wrong?

Oh, yes, and I would do anything to get Priscilla back.

But why is she not with you? Were you displeased with her?

No, she’s the most beautiful goose I’ve ever known. I miss her very much.

Then why did she leave you?

Well… er… you see, it’s like this… er…

Come along now, out with it. We haven’t got all day.

It was my vanity that caused Priscilla to go. Had I been content with what I had, Priscilla would still be with me.

Very well. You have admitted the crime of vanity. Will anyone speak in Mother Goose’s defence?

I will, your majesty.

And you are you, young man?

Jack Horner, your majesty. I am engaged to Jill, Mother Goose’s daughter.

Very well, Jack Horner, you may enter the witness box. (Jack enters with witness box). Now, please tell us, in your own words, your opinion of Mother Goose.

Mother Goose is the kindest and most generous person in the world.

So generous, that she gave away Priscilla.

She was tricked. Is she to be punished because she made one mistake?

That is not for us to decide. You may step down. Is there anyone else who will speak for the defendant?

Please, your majesty, is it possible for relatives to speak in her defence?

I have known cases where it has been permitted. You may proceed. (Billy and Jill enter the witness box). Now then, young lady what have you to say?

Your majesty, I only want to say that she is the best mum in the world and I love her very much.

And I want to say the same thing, only I think I’m going to cry before I get a chance to say it.

(To Ella). And you, young lady, would you like to take the witness box?

No, thank you, I don’t think it would fit in my front room.

Yes, thank you! Fairy Paxo, will you please tell us what has taken place.

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Fairy Paxo moves to the witness box.

Paxo

Queen

Your majesty, if I may have a word, There’s someone else whose voice should be heard.

The Demon King must be made to appear, And answer questions from all gathered here.

This is most irregular. Never has evil been allowed to enter our kingdom. It will take a lot of my magic power to bring him here, for he will not come voluntarily. However, if you feel it is important, so be it.

LX: The lights begin to flicker. SFX/LX: There is a crack of thunder and a flash of lightning. The Demon King enters and looks around, bewildered. LX: the lights return to their original level.

Demon Queen Demon

Queen Demon

Queen Demon

Paxo Queen Demon Queen Demon Paxo Mother

Queen

Where am I? What is this place?

Who is the woman with a wrinkled face?

Take care and hold your tongue. This is the Court of Gooseland and I am its Queen.

You are here to give account of your recent dealings on earth.

If this is to do with the magic goose Her heads about to fill a noose.

Despite being pampered like a pet No golden eggs has she laid yet!

That is because the magic power to lay golden eggs will only work for those who are good and kind. But, how did you come by the goose?

I made Mother Goose appear very vain, And offered her, her youth again.

She accepted the treatment without knowing the cost, But alas, too late, she learnt what she’d lost.

Then you admit that you tricked Mother Goose?

What if I did, she got her wish.

I’m only sorry that she frightened the fish!

I may have tricked her, but I won the bet.

Don’t be so sure, it’s not over yet.

Fairy Paxo is right. You made a bet that Mother Goose would give in to vanity and forsake everything.

And so she did, I saw her dive beneath the water.

But you did not see her retrace her steps and go back to what she was.

That’s a lie, youth and beauty she took.

Are you so sure? Have another look.

You tricked me into giving up Priscilla in return for youth, beauty and happiness.

Well, I soon discovered that looks aren’t everything and I went back into that pool.

(To the Queen). Your majesty, what I did was wrong and I know that I don’t deserve Priscilla back. I’ve betrayed your trust and hers and I deserve to be poor and ugly for the rest of my life. But I don’t see why Priscilla should be punished and I’d do anything to help her.

Even if it meant you had to take her place?

There is a reaction from everyone.

Mother

(Slowly). Yes, if that will release Priscilla. My only wish is her happiness.

Enter the Squire and Sam.

Squire Queen Squire

(Applauding). Oh bravo, bravo. Very touching, very touching, indeed.

And who, may I ask, are you?

I am the Squire of the Village of Sweet Content and this is my bailiff, Sam. I am here to claim the magic goose.

Reaction from all.

31

Queen Squire Ella Squire Sam Ella Sam Ella Queen Sam Queen

By what right do you claim the magic goose?

(Pointing at Fairy Paxo). That incompetent Fairy lost the goose. It was found wandering on my property, and for that reason, I claim her.

Don’t listen to him, your majesty. Ever since he knew of Priscilla’s existence, he has tried to steal her and her golden eggs.

Don’t be ridiculous. These are but the ramblings of a stupid girl.

Hey, who are you calling stupid? You’re talking about the girl I love.

Oh Sam, do you mean it, do you really love me?

I don’t know, I must do. I never thought about it until now.

Your majesty, Sam and I are very sorry for anything we have done wrong. He was only doing his job.

But it was a job that involved him in doing wrong. However, if he is truly sorry, we will hear no more about it.

Oh, thank you, your majesty.

And now we come to the most important matter, that of ownership of the magic goose. With what little power I have left, I summon Priscilla. (LX: The lights begin to flicker. SFX/LX: There is a crack of thunder and a flash of lightning. Priscilla enters.

LX: the lights return to their original level). Priscilla, welcome back to Gooseland.

Your safe return brings happiness to us all. It is now time for you to decide the outcome of this enquiry. Think carefully and take your time. Are you ready? (Priscilla nods). Very well. The Squire claims that you were found on his property and are, therefore, his. (Priscilla goes to the Squire and looks him up and down). The Demon King claims that you were the prize in a wager, and claims you as his. (Priscilla goes to the Demon King and looks him up and down). And finally, Mother Goose, to whom you were sent, but whose vanity cost you dear. (Mother Goose hangs her head. Priscilla looks from the Squire to the Demon King, back again, and then goes over to Mother Goose and rubs her head against her. There is a cheer from all except the Squire and the Demon King). Mother Goose, Priscilla has made her

Mother Queen All Others

choice. I hope that you have learnt your lesson.

Oh, I have, your majesty. I know now that however green the grass is on the other side of the fence, you must always be content with what you have.

This then concludes the business of this court. I declare the rest of the day a Public Holiday, Hurrah!

The Chorus leave the jury box and join in the finale.

MUSIC #18 : ‘LOVE MAKES THE WORLD GO ROUND’ FROM ‘ME AND MY GIRL [COMPANY] Fade to black. Tabs close on the cast who, with the exception of Fairy Paxo and the Demon King exit, and change for the walkdown and calls.

The Epilogue Somewhere Betwixt and Between. LX: Mysterious (possibly using a rotating glitter ball) with a follow spot on Demon King.The Demon King enters stage left mumbling and cursing to himself. FX: Pyrotechnic flash stage left.

Demon

Every year about this time, Just at the end of pantomime.

I’m supposed to say that I repent And say I’m sorry, as if it’s meant.

But this year’s different – I won the goose But then the Queen, she turned her loose.

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The goose is mine – a bet’s a bet!

I’ll show them I’m not beaten yet.

Fairy Paxo enters stage right. FX: Pyrotechnic flash stage right. LX: Follow spot on Fairy Paxo.

Paxo

Demon

Dear, oh dear, this will not do.

What are we going to do with you?

You lost the bet, that much we know.

And now it’s time for you to go.

Your pitchfork, please, before you do, It’s time to break it into two.

Hand it over, don’t delay.

When it’s broken, be on your way. (She takes the pitchfork and breaks it).

You may have won this early round, But I’ll be back when I have found – Another pitchfork, until then – Goodbye, farewell, auf wiedersehn. (He exits).

LX: Fade follow spot on Demon King.

Paxo

And so our tale comes to an end And Mother Goose has found a friend.

Sam has Ella, Jack has Jill, Billy’s happy, the Squire looks ill!

I bid you farewell from all gathered here, With a hope that we see you again next year. (She exits).

LX: Fade to black and fade follow spot on Fairy Paxo.

The Walkdown The Court of the Queen of Gooseland. As Act Two-Scene Five with all furniture etc, removed. LX: Bright and colourful. Use follow spots on Principals as they enter.

MUSIC #19 : ‘ON A WONDERFUL DAY LIKE TODAY’ (REPRISE) [COMPANY] During the song: The Chorus enter stage left and stage right, meet, bow to the audience and move to upstage left and right.

The Queen enters, walks down centre stage, bows/curtsies and moves away right.

Sam enters stage left, Ella enters stage right. They meet in the centre and walk forward. They bow/curtsey and move away left.

The Squire enters stage left. He walks down centre stage, bows and moves away right.

Billy enters upstage left, Priscilla enters upstage right. They meet in the centre and walk forward. They bow/curtsey and move away right.

Fairy Paxo enters stage right. She walks down centre stage, bows and moves away right.

The Demon King enters stage left. He walks down centre stage, bows and moves away left.

Jack enters stage left, Jill enters stage right. They meet in the centre and walk forward. They bow/curtsey and move away left.

Mother Goose enters stage right. She walks down centre stage, bows/curtsies and stands still.

All Principals move forward to stand left and right of Mother Goose.

LX: Fade to black.

MUSIC #20 : PLAYOUT MUSIC AS APPROPRIATE

THE END 33