Hansel and Gretel A pantomime by John Bartlett
Hansel And Gretel by John Bartlett © John Bartlett 2004. All Rights Reserved This e-script may not be copied or transcribed by any means electronic, optical or mechanical without the prior permission of the copyright owner or his agent. Photocopying this script without a suitable license is strictly prohibited. This play is a work of fiction. Names and characters are the product of the author’s imagination and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. ‘Hansel And Gretel’ by John Bartlett is fully protected under the international laws of copyright which are enacted in the UK as the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. The right of John Bartlett to be identified as the author of the work has been asserted by him in accordance with the above Act While every precaution has been taken in the preparation of this pantomime, the publisher assumes no responsibility for errors or omissions, or for damages resulting from the use of the material contained herein.
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Publication History:
June 2008 :
First Edition
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SE-0180
(Rev B)
Characters (Total cast inc minimum chorus : 8m, 9f, 11m/f) Principals : (5m, 5f, 3m/f) * denotes singing role *Dame Fluffalot-Popoff (m) *Hansel – her son (m) *Gretel – her daughter (f) Winnie the Witch (f) The Fairy (f) The Demon (m) Winnie’s Cat (m/f) *Prince Rupert (m) Corporal Num (m/f) Sergeant Skull (m/f) *Baron Jasper (m) Alice (f) *Female Demon (No spoken lines; sings ‘My Boy Lollipop only) Support : (3m, 4f, 8m/f) Robin Hood (m) Mad Hatter (m) White Rabbit (m/f) Santa Claus (m) (Could double with Robin Hood) Chorus Members 1, 2, 3 & 4 (4 x f) Lollipop Ladies/Men 1, 2, 3, 4 & 5 (5 x m/f) Dobbin – a pantomime horse (2 x m/f) Offstage Voice
Settings Act 1 Scene 1 Scene 2 Scene 3 Act 2 Scene 1 Scene 2 Scene 3 Scene 4
A Wooded Grove A Wooded Grove Dame Fluffalot-Popoff’s Cottage (External & Internal) Dame Fluffalot-Popoff’s Cottage (External) Winnie the Witches Gingerbread House (External & Internal) The Wild, Wild Wood Winnie the Witches Gingerbread House (External) Winnie the Witches Gingerbread House (Internal)
Music Act 1 #1 #2 #3 #4
Opening Chorus Number (‘Celebrate’) Duet: Love Song (‘You’re The One That I Want’) : Prince Rupert & Gretel Chorus Song & Dance Routine (‘Hey Baby’) Playout (Director to choose)
Act 2 #5 #6 #7 #8 #9 #10
Entr’acte ‘ Opening (Director to choose) Shake, Rattle And Roll : Baron Jasper On The Good Ship Lollipop : Hansel, Dame & Audience My Boy Lollipop : Female Demon Merry Christmas Everybody : Company (Curtain Calls) Playout (Director to choose)
i
Hansel and Gretel ACT 1 The opening scene is set in a wooded grove, hidden behind the trees and shrubs there is a quaint rustic cottage with a small porch; climbing roses, trellis, brick chimney etc. On either side of the wooden door there are windows festooned with flowers. The screening trees are constructed on boat trucks and can be moved to reveal the cottage. The house should be constructed in such a way that it can be split down the middle to allow for interior scenes to be played. Depending on the particular set dressing, both interior and exterior of the cottage, the house doubles as the Dame’s house and also the ‘Gingerbread House’ belonging to Winnie the Witch. The play begins with a DBO. Beyond the silhouette of the cottage a firework display is in full swing, intermittent with the distant pops, bangs and sparkles, ‘Oohs’ and ‘Ahhs’ can plainly be heard. Shafts of light, swinging this way and that can be discerned sweeping the stage as if a host of people are making their way towards us.
Scene 1 (The Opening Chorus) A dimly lit wooded grove.
Chorus 1 Chorus 2 Chorus 3 Chorus 4
This clearing will do. Are we all ready? Put the car lights on. After three; one two, three!
MUSIC #1 – OPENING CHORUS NUMBER (‘CELEBRATE’) The stage is flooded with brilliant light as the chorus launch into their opening number.
Chorus 3
Well that’s your last rehearsal, now you have to do it for real in front of Baron Jasper and the rest of the court. Come along, chop-chop, if we’re not careful the Baron’s birthday party will all be over before we get there, come on hurry up!
The Chorus exit.
Scene 2 (Clash of the Immortals) There are two simultaneous pyrotechnic flashes either side of the stage. Enter the Demon and the Fairy.
Demon Fairy Demon
Fairy Demon Fairy Demon Fairy Demon Fairy Demon Fairy Demon Fairy Demon
Ha! Ha! At last the time is right. Oh no, the Demon of the night! Oooh! It’s that sparkly old spoilsport, This year my plans you’ll not thwart! Push off and leave me to my scheming. What? Never! You must be dreaming. It’s not fair you tarty old trollop, I could give you a bash and a wallop. Now, now that’s against the fairy code. If you carry on I’m going to explode. Every year you fail to come up trumps. She could do with the fairy bumps, Look if you’re so sure that you can win. Eugh! Stop spitting on my fairy skin. I can beat you easily, fair and square, Well, hook or by crook, I don’t really care. I accept the challenge on one condition, Good must always win … … Why? … Its tradition. Bah! Nothing’s written on tablets of stone.
The Fairy’s mobile phone rings
Fairy Demon
Shhh be quiet! I’m on my fairy phone. Oh hello your majesty, (aside) it’s our Fairy Queen. Mobile phones are vulgar and quite obscene. 1
Fairy Demon Fairy Demon Fairy Demon Fairy Demon Fairy Demon
Yes your Majesty, you must not worry, This Demon will lose and then say sorry. Pah! You’ll be eating humble pie. Everything is in hand, goodbye. That’s very annoying, now switch it off, It’s worse than a man with a nasty cough. Now where were we? Ah yes, I remember, You’re trying to win because it’s December. Trying to win! What a bloomin’ cheek, When I’m through with you your pips will squeak. Well only time will tell if you are right, Prepare yourself Demon for a Fairy fight. Prepare yourself Fairy for a Demon fight. You cannot win, of that I know. There’s someone coming, quick, hide, lie low.
The Fairy and Demon hide themselves in the US woodland. Enter Winnie, the old woman who lives in her cottage deep in the woods. She is singing and dancing with Tibbles her cat.
Winnie
Cat Winnie Cat Winnie Cat Winnie Cat Winnie Cat Winnie Cat Winnie Cat Winnie Cat Winnie
Cat Winnie Cat Winnie
Cat
I’m Winnie, I’m Winnie, I’m not very skinny, But neither am I fat. I live deep in the woods, On Christmas puds, With Tibbles, my pussycat. Here we are Tibbles, this looks like a good spot, there’s sure to be a lot of firewood around here. Meow. What’s that? Meow. You want some milk, oh dear, I’m afraid I haven’t brought any with me. Meow. You want to go home, but we’ve only just arrived. Meow. You don’t care, oooh you can be a really selfish little pussy when you want to be! Meow. You still don’t care! I think you might change your mind when Mr Jack Frost comes creeping under the door! Meow. No warm cushion in front of the fire! Meow. No warm stove to warm up your icy cold milk! Meow. Not even a fishy in a little dishy, oh dear silly me, I nearly forgot, I know how you hate collecting firewood so I brought you a little something to keep you occupied. (She rummages in her shopping basket). Now I know I put it in here somewhere. Meow. Don’t be so impatient, here we are, (she holds up a fish head and bones), a feast fit for a King! Meow. What do you mean, it used to be! I know it’s not much, but times are hard and besides it’s a lot better than nothing at all! (She dances round with Tibbles and sings ‘Dance for your Daddy’). You shall have a fishy, On a little dishy. You shall have a fishy, When the boat comes in. Right, you stay here, while I fetch sticks for the fire. Meow. 2
Winnie Cat Winnie Cat Winnie Cat Winnie
Don’t be ridiculous, I won’t be long. Meow. Oh you really are a silly cat, I thought you were brave and strong! Meow. Afraid of nothing, with the heart of a Lion! Meow. You have, of course you have I always knew it! Now you stay here and guard my basket, I won’t be long.
Winnie exits US behind the trees to collect firewood. Timidly, looking this way and that, Tibbles settles down with the remains of the fish, it is not very long before the Demon peers over a bush, aware that something is afoot. Tibbles quickly turns round but the Demon has disappeared. The business is repeated with the Fairy alternating with the Demon until finally …
Demon Fairy
Demon
This game has gone on long enough, (The Demon casts a spell and Tibbles is immediately petrified). There now you’re full of magical, enchanted … (thinking) … stuff! (Scoffing) Magical enchanted stuff! That’s a very poor spell, Is that how they teach you down in Hell? I think you need to go back to school, But of course that’s why Fairy’s rule! That’s what you think you flying fairy lump, This spell of mine will make you jump. The Demon stares at the Fairy with a piercing stare and conjures up a spell, using his finger he makes the Fairy move round the stage.
By all the power in my little finger, Be gone from here and do not linger. Before you go have some fleas, On second thoughts make them bees. The Demon hurls imaginary bees at the Fairy a loud angry buzzing is heard.
Fairy
You’ll be sorry for this unruly attack, You cannot hide I’ll soon be back.
The Demon points off stage, exit Fairy S.R.
Demon
Ha! Ha! Ha! What finesse, what cunning, what style, That’s got rid of her, well, for a little while.
Enter Winnie in search of the swarm.
Winnie
Demon Winnie Demon Winnie Demon
Quick, quick, Tibbles there’s a swarm, there’ll be honey for tea! Come on Tibbles, help me catch them! (Winnie notices that Tibbles is transfixed). Tibbles, Tibbles, what’s the matter with you? I’m afraid your cat has turned to stone, Unusual I know, for fur and bone. Who are you and what have you done to my cat? (Mock surprise) My dear lady what makes you think it was me? Of course it was, you’re a Demon for all to see. A Demon you say, how observant, How do you do. Madam, your servant.
The Demon bows and kisses Winnie’s hand.
Winnie Demon Winnie Demon Winnie Demon
Don’t you start all that smarmy old demon nonsense with me, sonny boy! When I was younger I used to eat demons like you for breakfast! I beg your pardon, I … Devilled kidney’s, mmm-mmm! Devilled kidney’s? On toast! Wait a minute; you’re just a silly old crone, I’ve a good mind to turn you into stone. 3
Winnie Demon Winnie Demon Winnie
But why am I talking to you in this fashion? My blood is boiling, my teeth are gnashing. Fashion and gnashing! What a terrible rhyme, Demons just aren’t what they used to be! Now in my day … (Exasperated) In your day! What do you mean, in your day? I’ll break every … … Don’t make me hit you with this tray. What tray? This tray!
With a resounding thwack, Winnie brings the tray down on the demons head.
Demon Winnie Demon Winnie Demon
(Outraged) How dare you, don’t you know who I am?
No! I’m the demon of … (Hitting him again) … Ker-bam! (Astonished) You did it again! (Without further ado he casts a spell). Eye of toad and all things horrid, Wing of bat and blemish florid. Creepy crawlies from nook and cranny, Descend upon this ancient granny. As the Demon hurls the spell at Winnie she quickly holds up the silver side of the tray which has the effect of reversing the spell back onto the Demon.
Winnie Demon Winnie
Demon
Winnie Demon Winnie Demon
Winnie
Cat Winnie Demon
Argh! Help! My spell’s been reflected, Get them off! Help! That’s not what I expected Ho! Ho! Ho! I haven’t had so much fun in years; it’s just like old times! Please make them go and I’ll behave, To make them leave is what I crave. Oh very well … To all you creatures that tickle and bite, Away! Be-gone! Away! Take flight! That was a really nasty, horrible, trick, Any more would have made me positively sick. Did you learn the black arts from a book? I was wondering could I take a look? Not a chance, I wouldn’t let you see anything, besides I’ve turned over a new leaf. Ah but, once a witch, always a witch, You could learn again without a hitch. It’s no use trying to tempt me I live a simple life here in the forest with Tibbles my cat … and talking of Tibbles, what spell did you use on her? Divulge my favourite spell! You must be joking, I’ll never tell. Hell will freeze over before I … Yes, yes, yes, I’ve heard it all before! Come here you stupid red tomato and kneel at my feet. (With the use of magic she forces the Demon to kneel in front of her). Now then, what’s going in this demonic pea brain of yours! (She puts both hands on the Demon’s head in a mind meld). Tch! Tch! How disappointing … ah here we are … typical! (She lets go of the Demon and clicks her fingers, Tibbles is instantly released, she hisses at the Demon). Now, now Tibbles don’t upset yourself, he’s really not worth it. Meow! (Pacifying Tibbles) I know, I know, never mind. Chinese elephant Christmas crackers jump, Her squish head own back get my thump.
Tibbles looks alarmed.
Cat Winnie
Meow! Oh don’t mind him I just had to re-arrange a few things in that batty old brain-box of his. 4
Cat Winnie Demon Cat Winnie
Meow! I know he’s talking rubbish … no change there, he always did! See head hurts I can hardly say, Me to done in what hell you have. Meow? He said, ‘My head hurts, I can hardly see, what in Hell have you done to me? Oh, don’t be such a baby … oh, very well. Look at the floor and now the sky, Think of spells and apple pie!
Winnie hits the Demon on the head with the tray.
Demon Winnie Demon
Winnie
You’re really bad for my constitution, Was there no other possible solution? Oh yes, but that was much more fun! Come along Tibbles. Just a minute we’ve only just met, I need information; you can’t go yet If only you would … … You’re wasting your time, the Fairy locked up all my evil wicked side in this little bottle ... (Using his powers the Demon mimes lassoing the bottle, which, as if by magic, the Demon then catches).
Demon Winnie Demon
Give that back to me at once, at once I say! Ha! Ha! Witches are evil that’s only right and proper, What will happen if I remove this stopper? Don’t do such a thing, no good will come of it. How gratifying!
The Demon uncorks the bottle; with a loud pop a rushing sound is heard. Winnie and Tibbles immediately convulse and writhe about, the Demon adlibs during the SFX “Cor, she must be really evil!” etc.
Winnie Demon
At last I feel the power once more, I feel evil and wicked to the very core. Join the club you wicked old witch!
With a malevolent wicked stare, Winnie balefully surveys the Demon
Winnie
Demon Winnie Demon Cat Winnie Cat Demon
Winnie
Ah! For releasing me I’ll give you a nasty stitch. Then I’ll infect you with ague, boils and cramp, And on your bunions I’ll leap and stamp. I released you from being good what a nerve, I didn’t expect this … … it’s more than you deserve! I’m Winnie the Witch, you’d better beware. This logic of yours is extremely unfair. And I’m Mephastophalee, a cat on a mission, I’m spitefully explosive like nuclear fission. Mephastophalee, my familiar, you cunning cat! Now what shall we do with this ugly rat? I’ll make both of you cringe and cower, I’m an evil demon with magical power. By all the power invested in me … … Not a bad start you have to agree.
Slightly irritated the Demon continues casting his spell
Demon
All dark things of night and shade, Descend upon this forest glade. Pull them to pieces, piece by piece, Rip them to bits, do not decease.
In a sweeping arc Winnie catches the spell in her hands and then blows it away.
5
Winnie Cat Winnie
Demon Winnie Demon Winnie Demon Winnie Demon Winnie Cat Winnie
That’s quite good for a beginner, I freely admit It had a certain ‘je ne sais quoi’ … … and home grown wit. But now we must be going, we’ve a lot to do, There’s a lot of evil plans to hatch, so toodle-oo. You can’t go yet it’s against the rules, They’ll be here in a minute … … Who? … Ghosts and ghouls. I don’t think so, I cancelled your spell … … What! Ghosts and ghouls are tiresome they only scream and yell (Astounded) Cancelled my spell! Now Cat I need some cash to fill up my purse, A spell is required, or perhaps a curse. I’ll just sharpen my claws and give my whiskers a wash, While I conjure up a spell to secure some dosh. Gold and silver in palace vault, To my cottage … Catapult! He! He! He!
There is a whooshing sound, followed by a crash of trinkets, gold, silver, jewellery etc.
Demon Winnie Demon Winnie
Look hang on I’ve just had an idea, Well there’s always a first time, my dear. (Thinking) Perhaps you and I should pair up together, I mean we’re evil and wicked, like birds of a feather. That’s not a bad idea you can be my slave, Run errands and fetch all the things that I crave. She puts the demon in a trance.
Cat Winnie Cat Winnie
Demon, over your mind I draw a veil, Come along my eyes are beginning to fail. Being evil has an effect on my sight, Come on, take my arm, I won’t bite. That reminds me I feel hungry and need my dinner, Which is probably why, I feel thinner and thinner. You could boil this demon, and make a sauce. But what could I have for a second course? A nice plump child might suit the occasion. Mmm! And for afters a pudding made of plum and raison. To catch a child might be a little bit tricky, What I need is something sweet and sticky. I’ll disguise myself as a friendly old Gran, Come along cat, we must scheme and plan. Winnie, the cat and the Demon exit as Winnie sings her song.
I’m Winnie, I’m Winnie, I’m evil and wicked, My heart is black as coal. I like toads and bats, Snakes and cats, The devil’s in my soul.
6
Scene 3 (Enter the Dame) The trees and shrubs are removed to either side of the stage revealing Dame Fluff’s cottage centre stage. The door bursts open and Dame Fluff careers onto the stage whilst being pursued by a wasp.
Dame Fluff
Oooh! Get away from me! Oooh! Help! Buzz off and pester somebody else you nasty, nasty wasp! Good it’s gone. (Seeing the audience for the first time). Oooh, hello everybody … I said hello everybody! That’s better. My names Dame Fluffalot Popoff … Excuse me, don’t start making fun of my name, I’ve met your sort before! Now as we are all good friends here you can call Dame Fluff for short. Now then this is my little house, well it’s not exactly mine, I actually rent it from Baron Jasper but nevertheless it’s where I live with my two children Hansel Popoff and Gretel Popoff but right now both of them have popped off which is a pity as I have some chores for them to do. I don’t suppose you’ve seen them have you? No, you haven’t? Well if you do, will you call me as loud as you can? You will oh thank you ever so much. I’m obligingly obliged, I’m enthusiastically ecstatic, I’m over the moon, I’m over the top, I’m … Oh, never mind all that, I do get carried away sometimes. Let’s have a little practise shall we? Now, imagine you saw something at this window (she points to SL window) and … (a ghost appears at the SR window and almost immediately disappears again). Oooh, you are quick, too quick if you ask me. Now, as I was saying, imagine you saw something at this window and … (repeat as before). Look I said this window, not that one! (As the Dame turns back to the SL window, the ghost appears at the SR window). What are you shouting about now? You saw something, a what? A ghost! What through here, I don’t like ghosts very much; they’re all see-through and spookified! Which reminds me … what do you call a skeleton that goes out in the cold? A numbskull! Oh well, please yourselves! (The ghost appears at the SR window). There’s a what, a ghost, what over here? (As the Dame turns, the ghost disappears and re-appears at the other window). What, this window? (The ghost switches as before; this repeated a number of times with the Dame improvising appropriate dialogue). I wish you lot would make up your minds! Over here, but there’s nothing over there! I’m beginning to think you’re having a bit of a laugh but just to please you I’ll go round to the backdoor and chase them out. (Exit the Dame, SR. The door opens and Hansel and Gretel, dressed as ghosts, enter backwards, seeing Dame Fluff entering through the backdoor they hastily rush round to the side of the cottage. Enter Dame Fluff through the front door). There I told you so, there’s nothing in there you must have been seeing things! (Hansel and Gretel peer round the side of the cottage). Oh, don’t start all that again. (Hansel and Gretel disappear). If you think I’m going over there then you can think again. (Hansel and Gretel peer round the cottage as before). Oh, very well, but this is the last time. (Dame Fluff ‘sneaky walks’ round to where Hansel and Gretel are hiding, and with a great flourish she jumps round the corner of the cottage … but the birds have flown!) There, I told you so! (Walking backwards, Hansel and Gretel appear on the other side of the cottage, Dame Fluff proceeds to do the same. Just before they collide, Hansel and Gretel turn upstage, whilst Dame Fluff turns down stage, both parties take a few steps forward before retreating backwards and this time they do indeed bump into each other). Oooh! I might
Hansel Dame Fluff Hansel Dame Fluff Gretel Dame Fluff Gretel Dame Fluff Gretel Hansel Gretel
have known it was you two! Fancy creeping about dressed like that! Hey Mum, what kind of monster sits on your finger? Go on surprise me. A bogeyman. (He wipes an imaginary bogey on the Dame). Eugh! That’s disgusting … you should use a hanky not my dress, it was clean on last Christmas! Hey Mum, what happened to the skeleton that was attacked by a dog? I don’t know and I suppose you’re going to tell me. It ran off with the bone in his leg. So? And left him … Without a leg to stand on. Hey that’s my joke!
Hansel and Gretel immediately ad-lib “No it isn’t”, “You always spoil everything”, etc.
Dame Fluff Hansel Gretel
Now, now that’s enough of that we’ve got a lot to do and … (Hansel and Gretel immediately begin to sneaky walk away). And just where do you think you two are going? We’ve got to see a man about a dog haven’t we, Sis? (Confused) Have we? 7
Dame Fluff
Hansel Gretel Dame Fluff Hansel Dame Fluff Gretel Dame Fluff
Exactly! Well you can jolly well help me; otherwise I’ll have to see a man about a slipper. Now, as you know, I owe the Baron a lot of money and as it’s his birthday I thought I would soften him up and bake him a cake and you two can help me make it. Baggsy I get the bowl! Baggsy I get the spoon! You two won’t be getting anything unless you go to market to buy the ingredients. Oh do we have to? Yes you do! But I … No buts; now what do we need … it’s such a long time since I baked a cake I can hardly remember, I know I’ll make a little list.
Dame Fluff rummages in her shopping bag and eventually finds a notebook and pencil, without waiting Hansel and Gretel rattle off the ingredients at great speed.
Hansel Gretel Hansel Gretel Hansel Dame Fluff Hansel Dame Fluff Hansel Dame Fluff Gretel Dame Fluff Hansel Gretel Dame Fluff Hansel Dame Fluff Gretel Hansel Dame Fluff Gretel Hansel Gretel Dame Fluff Gretel Dame Fluff Gretel Dame Fluff Hansel Dame Fluff Hansel Dame Fluff Hansel Dame Fluff
Eggs! Flour! Sugar! Sultanas! Currents! Wait a minute I can’t write it all down that quickly, who do you take me for, Speedy Gonzales? Who? Well … oh, never mind! Now what did you say again? Eggs! (Writing) Eggs. Flour! (Writing) Flour. Sugar! Sultanas! (Writing) Sugar and sultanas. Currents! (Writing) Currents. Cherries! Cement! (Writing) Cherries and cement. Butter! Mr Muscle! Does the jobs you hate (Writing) Butter, Mr Muscle, does the jobs you hate. Nuts. I beg your pardon? Almonds! Oh sorry dear I thought you were being rude, nuts of course. Of course, chestnuts. It’s not usual but I suppose we could use chestnuts. Horse chestnuts! (Writing) Horse chestnuts, just a minute what do you take me for, horse chestnuts indeed. Conkers to you! (Singing with actions). ‘Underneath the spreading chest-nut tree, I saw …’ Hansel, shhh! I haven’t got time for all this messing about.
Ignoring her he continues singing, this time again with actions he sings ‘Head shoulders knees and toes.
Hansel
Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, With eyes and mouth and ears and nose, Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes.
Dame Fluff and Gretel can’t help but join in and of course once they have started it’s difficult to stop, until finally …
8
Dame Fluff
Stop! Stop! I can’t stand it any more! Now here’s the list and here is my last five pound note and make sure you bring me the change. (She gives the five pound note to Gretel. Hansel snatches it causing a minor riot with adlibs “Hey give that back!”, “It’s mine!”, “No it isn’t” etc. Dame Fluff continues talking over the top of the racket and bundles both of them off stage). Right off you go and
hurry up about it, and while you are doing that I’ll go in and brush the cobwebs out of the oven, cheerio everybody, cheerio! Dame Fluff exits into the house. Enter Winnie and the Cat SL. They both sniff the air malevolently.
Winnie Cat Winnie
Cat Winnie
Ah, I smell children! Now how can I tempt them into the woods so I can fatten them up ready for my oven? Why don’t you chase after them and put them in a sack. Not in broad daylight it’s far too risky … I know the very thing, I’ll give them this magic lollipop, one suck of this and they will cross mountains and deserts to get hold of another. Ha! Ha! Ha! Now which way did they go, cat? That way! Well what are we waiting for?
Winnie and the Cat exit SR. Enter ‘Dobbin’ the horse SL. Prince Rupert is in hot pursuit.
Prince Rupert Dobbin! Come back here at once! Dobbin and Prince Rupert play chase for a while, eventually Dobbin exits SR. In desperation Prince Rupert knocks on the Dame’s door, there is no response.
Dame Fluff Prince Rupert Dame Fluff Prince Rupert Dame Fluff
Prince Rupert Dame Fluff Prince Rupert Dame Fluff Prince Rupert Dame Fluff Prince Rupert Dame Fluff Prince Rupert Dame Fluff Prince Rupert Dame Fluff Prince Rupert Dame Fluff Prince Rupert Dame Fluff
Prince Rupert Dame Fluff Prince Rupert Dame Fluff Prince Rupert Dame Fluff Prince Rupert Dame Fluff
(From within) There’s nobody in.
Nobody in? They’re all out! Don’t be ridiculous you’re in aren’t you? Oh yes so I am. (The door bursts open, hitting the Prince on the nose). Silly me, what do you want? (Seeing Prince Rupert for the first time). Whatever it is you can have it all … take me … I’m all yours! Well, er … thanks for the offer, but … Go on, take a chance, things aren’t always, as they seem. I agree … Good, when can we set a date? No, no, no you don’t know who I am or anything about me. With a phizzog like yours … Phizzog? Face, dear heart, face, with a mush like yours I don’t have to. But, seriously, don’t you think I’m a little young for you? Not in the least, I’ve been looking for a toy-boy for years. Well on the other hand … You think I’m a little to old for you! A little! (Theatrically) Ah! Raise a girl on the mountains of hope then dash her on the rocks of despair! Look I didn’t mean … No, no, no that’s all right, I’m used to it. Oh well never mind I’ll just have to console myself with a triple tequila … one tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor! (She swoops out shutting the door behind her with a bang, Prince Rupert knocks again). There’s nobody in. Of course there is. No there isn’t, they’re all out! But you’re in! Urine, are you taking the ‘P’ …? So I am. (The door bursts open as before and hits the Prince on the nose again). Haven’t we met before? Of course we have! When? Just a moment ago! No I never forget a face, especially one like yours. 9
Prince Rupert Dame Fluff Prince Rupert Dame Fluff Prince Rupert Dame Fluff Prince Rupert Dame Fluff Prince Rupert Dame Fluff Prince Rupert Dame Fluff Prince Rupert Dame Fluff Prince Rupert Dame Fluff Prince Rupert Dame Fluff Prince Rupert Dame Fluff Prince Rupert Dame Fluff Prince Rupert Dame Fluff Prince Rupert Dame Fluff Prince Rupert Dame Fluff
I don’t know what to say. Just say yes, and I’ll be yours forever. What? Don’t say what, say pardon. Pardon? Granted, when can we set a date? No, no, no, you don’t understand. Don’t I, it seems perfectly logical to me. Look I fell off my horse in the forest and … That was careless. And now I’m lost, besides even if I wanted to get married I … Careful, don’t say something you might regret. I’m a Prince. I knew it! (Singing). ‘Some day my Prince will come’. What? I can see it all, Princess Fluffalot Popoff requests the pleasure of … (Purposely) No, no you don’t understand; I can’t get married to you, or anybody else for that matter. Why not? Because Princes have to get permission! Who from? Just about everybody, the King, the Queen, the Chancellor, the … The candlestick maker? No, not the candlestick maker! Oh well you had your chance, I can’t say fairer than that, I’m sure you will find somebody else. Will I? Abso-posser-tiv-a-lutely, in the mean time push off I’ve got to catch up on my beauty sleep, about forty years I should say, goodbye! But … As I said before they’re all out!
Dame Fluff shuts the door once more and before Prince Rupert can knock again Gretel enters SR.
Gretel Prince Rupert Gretel Prince Rupert Gretel Prince Rupert Gretel Prince Rupert Gretel Prince Rupert Gretel Prince Rupert Gretel Prince Rupert
Oh! Hello! Hello! Were you looking for my step-mother? Not exactly, but I think we may have already met. I don’t think so, I would have remembered. No I mean your step-mother and I, she seemed very keen to, well, er … (Disappointed) Oh. No you don’t understand, I fell off my horse in the forest and now I’m lost. Really? Yes lost in wonderment at your beauty. Oh, thank you very much you’re pretty drop-dead gorgeous yourself. In that case there’s really only one thing to do. What’s that? Sing a song! (After raucous laughing from the audience). Look don’t blame me I didn’t write this rubbish.
MUSIC #2 - DUET: LOVE SONG (‘YOU’RE THE ONE THAT I WANT’) The cottage door is flung open by Dame Fluff.
Dame Fluff Gretel Dame Fluff Gretel Prince Rupert
What’s all this racket? (Seeing Prince Rupert). Why hello! I’m willing if you are! Mother! Risk it for a biscuit? Stop it at once, you’ll frighten him off. Mother this is … I don’t even know your name. Prince Rupert. 10
Gretel Prince Rupert Dame Fluff Prince Rupert Dame Fluff Prince Rupert Dame Fluff Gretel Prince Rupert Dame Fluff Prince Rupert Dame Fluff Prince Rupert Dame Fluff Prince Rupert Dame Fluff Prince Rupert Dame Fluff Prince Rupert Dame Fluff Prince Rupert Dame Fluff Prince Rupert Dame Fluff Prince Rupert Dame Fluff Prince Rupert Dame Fluff Prince Rupert Dame Fluff Prince Rupert Dame Fluff Prince Rupert Dame Fluff Prince Rupert Dame Fluff Prince Rupert Dame Fluff Gretel Dame Fluff Prince Rupert Dame Fluff Prince Rupert
A Prince, a real live Prince? Yes I’m afraid so. Yahoo, we’ve hit the jackpot! I wouldn’t say that, we’re bankrupt. (With a big sigh) Join the club. What’s the matter, why are you looking so sad? Well wouldn’t you, one minute I’m going to be a millionaire and the next minute I’m not! Mother, don’t be so embarrassing! It’s all right I quite understand, this morning we used to be wealthy, very wealthy. Go on I’m all ears. But … Now you’ve ruined it. The Treasury was absolutely jam packed … Stuffed! With … Filthy … What? Lucre! What? Oh you mean money and … Diamonds? Well yes, there were several chests full diamonds … Rubies? Yes, yes and much more besides. What on earth happened, you can’t lose a whole Treasury full of dosh? Well it was all there this morning, then as if by magic everything disappeared! Even I couldn’t spend a fortune that quickly. We didn’t. Then who did? I only wish I knew; the doors are still locked and bolted. It’s a mystery! It certainly is. (Conspiratorially) It must have been an inside job; who had the key? The King, the Queen, the Chancellor, the … The Candlestick maker? No, no, no, not the candlestick maker. Ah-ha the plot thickens! I just don’t understand it, this morning the Treasury was full, and empty by elevenses! Empty by elevenses, good heavenses! I knew it! Knew what? There’s skulduggery at work. I should say so, the King’s turned puce and … Eugh! Fetch him a bucket. No, no he’s turned purple, apoplectic, speechless. The Queen’s taken to her bed and the Chancellor’s … Dame Fluff Yes, yes? Prince Rupert The Chancellor’s eating toast. Dame Fluff Eating toast, at a time like this? Gretel (Joining in) Eating toast? Prince Rupert On account that it’s got nothing to do with him. Dame Fluff Which lets him off the hook nicely, in that case it has to be Professor Plum, in the library, with the candlestick! Gretel (Joining in) … the candlestick! Prince Rupert What is it with you and candlesticks? (Dame Fluff purses her lips and looks at the audience). Look this isn’t a game; it’s very serious; everybody is out looking for the culprit … even Baron Jasper and the palace guard. 11
Dame Fluff Prince Rupert Dame Fluff Prince Rupert Dame Fluff
Gretel
Not Baron Jasper? I know but it’s better than nothing. Good for nothing more like. Well anyway, they’re all we’ve got! I’ve been wandering around for ages, but now I’m lost and I don’t know where I am. Dame Fluffalot Popoff’s cottage … (Dame Fluff and Gretel quickly curtsy twice, first away from each other and then the reverse so they collide) … on the edge of town, not the most salubrious of areas I agree, but its home, which reminds me, what are you doing back here? If I don’t bake that birthday cake for Baron Jasper we’ll be thrown out onto the street, especially if he’s out on the rampage with palace guard! (Horrified) I only came back for a shopping basket, I’ve been gone ages, there’s no telling what Hansel’s got up to by now! Quick, Prince Rupert, come along with me and I’ll take you back to town.
Gretel and Prince Rupert.
Dame Fluff Gretel Dame Fluff
Hey where are you going … that’s the long way? I know, bye Mum! Well I never did! (Enter Dobbin SR, knocking Dame Fluff for six. He careers across the stage and exits SL. She shakes her fist). Oi, come back here you flea-bitten old nag, you nearly knocked me into next week!
Enter Dobbin USL. He chases Dame Fluff around the stage, with plenty of squawking. She avoids him by retreating into the cottage. Dobbin exits SL. Enter Winnie and the Cat USL.
Winnie Cat Winnie Cat Winnie Cat Winnie Cat Winnie
I don’t understand it, I thought you said you knew the way. I’m not a dog you know. (Musing) That’s not a bad idea, I could turn you into a bloodhound. Don’t even go there, you know how I hate dogs! Look why don’t you just bring them all here? That’s an even better suggestion. Then you could make them all jig about a bit while you choose the greediest little munchkin to fatten up for the pot! Of course, why didn’t I think of that? Because … Don’t try my patience! Now then ... (thinking) … let me see … Ah-ha, the very thing! Skin of snake and toad spawn slime Help me with this magical rhyme Bring at once to these forest glades A troop of leaping dancing maids Add to this happy singing throng Some likely lads both firm and strong There that should do the trick! Come along Mephastophalee lets hide over here and see what happens.
MUSIC #3 – CHORUS SONG & DANCE ROUTINE (‘HEY, BABY’) The chorus enter and perform a song and dance routine. At the end of the number, Winnie appears with a handful of lollipops.
Winnie Chorus 1 Winnie Chorus 2 Winnie Chorus 3 Winnie
Free lollipops get your free lollipops here. No thanks. (Exit). Lollipops! They’re bad for my teeth. (Exit). Nothing to pay. No ta, I’m on the Atkins! Get your free lollipops here!
In one’s and two’s the chorus begin to melt away.
Chorus 4 Winnie Chorus 4
‘Ere missus, got any gob stoppers? Gob stoppers, no I haven’t got any gob stoppers, I’ve got lovely, lovely lollipops! I don’t like lovely, lovely lollipops … I like lovely, lovely gob stoppers! 12
Winnie Chorus 4 Winnie Chorus 4 Winnie Chorus 4 Winnie
(Smarmily) If only I had known, I would have brought one with me.
What? A lovely great big one to stop up your noisy little gob! Look you old crone, unless you’ve got lovely, lovely gob stoppers you know where you can stick your lovely, lovely lollipops! Now listen here, smart Alec, you can have a lollipop and like it! Get stuffed! (Exit). (To the Cat) Any more bright ideas?
Hansel enters SR. He is carrying an open box containing the items for Baron Jasper’s birthday cake. By the speed in which he enters it is apparent that he is being pursued.
Hansel Winnie Hansel Winnie Hansel Winnie Hansel Winnie Hansel Winnie Hansel Winnie Hansel Winnie
Gangway! Ah, another boy! (With a great flourish). STOP! Sorry, I haven’t got time! Free lollipops! What did you say? Free … That’s the word! Stick one in here! Where? In here stupid! (Pointing to his mouth). My dear boy, with pleasure! (She puts one in Hansel’s mouth). Here, have a few more. Cor! Ta! Hand them out to your friends! Ha! Ha! Ha! Not bloomin’ likely! Got any more? Oh yes there’s plenty more where they came from!
Cackling, Winnie and the Cat exit SL.
Hansel Winnie Hansel
(Calling after them) But where can I find you? (Off) Just follow your nose!
What did she say … follow my nose?
Corporal Num and Sergeant Skull enter SR. They creep up behind Hansel who is too busy with his lollipop to notice.
Skull Hansel Skull Num Skull Num Skull
(Grabbing Hansel’s ear) Gotcha!
Yeow! Let go of me you dirty great big baboon! Not on your Nelly, not after the last time I arrested you … my foot still feels numb! He! He! He! What’s the matter with you? Nothing! He! He! He! Corporal Num, what’s so funny?
Sergeant Skull inadvertently releases Hansel, who enthusiastically rubs his ear, bent on revenge.
Num Skull Hansel Skull Hansel
Nothing Sergeant Skull! He! He! He! Nothing at all! Well wipe that stupid grin off your face before I knock it off. Hey mister! What? See my finger, see my thumb, look out stomach here it comes!
Hansel punches Sergeant Skull in the stomach before disappearing into the house.
Skull Nun Skull
Ooooh! Ha! Ha! Ha! He did it again! Ha! Ha! Ha! Right come here, I’m going to make you laugh on the other side of your face!
Sergeant Skull chases Corporal Num round the stage.
Num Skull Num
Sorry Sergeant, it won’t happen again, I promise, I won’t laugh any more … or … any less! Ha! Ha! Ha! (Pointing towards the sky) What’s that? What? 13
As Corporal Num looks up Sergeant Skull stamps on his foot.
Skull Num Skull Num Skull Num Skull Num Dame Fluff Num Dame Fluff Num Skull Dame Fluff Skull Dame Fluff Skull
Ha! Ha! Ha! If you were twice as smart you’d still be stupid! Now stop acting the fool! Who said I was acting. Exactly my point! Now come on we’ve got work to do; knock on that door. Why should I knock on that door? If you want it knocked on, knock on it yourself. Because I’m the Sergeant and you’re the Corporal, that’s why! Oh very well, just this once, but only if you say please. I’ll give you please, now knock on that door, before I knock your block off and use it as a football. Oooh! Keep your hair on! (Corporal Num knocks on the door twice, after a short pause there are two knocks from the other side). Who’s there? Luke. Luke who? Luke through the letterbox and you’ll see. If you say so. (He looks through the letterbox, whereupon a jet of flour hits him in the eye). Eugh! Who put the lights out, I can’t see a thing! Get out of my way you blithering idiot. (He knocks on the door twice. After a short pause, as before; there are two knocks on the other side of the door). Who’s there? Toodle. Toodle who? Ta! Ta! Goodbye! (Suddenly realising). What do you mean “Ta! Ta”!
Sergeant Skull shouts through the letterbox and he is immediately covered in flour.
Num Skull Num Skull Dame Fluff Skull Dame Fluff Skull
He! He! He! Right that’s it! Nobody makes a monkey out of me! Monkey? More like a dough-ball! Shut-up! (Knocking on the door). Knock! Knock! Who’s there? Major! (The Dame opens the door a little) Major who? Major answer the door didn’t I? Ha! Ha! Ha!
Dame Fluff shuts the door on Skull’s fingers, after a slight pause there is a loud knocking on the door from the inside.
Who’s there? Hugo! Hugo who? Hugo that way and I’ll go this. Right! Come on Num, we’ve got our orders. (They both march off in different directions). Just a minute we’ve been hoodwinked! Num Have we? Skull Yes we have! For the last time! (Knocking on the door). Knock! Knock! (There is no answer. He knocks on the door again. Still no response. After a pause the Dame knocks from within). Who’s there? Dame Fluff Dummy Skull Dummy who? Dame Fluff Dummy a favour and get lost! Skull Right! I’ve just about had enough of this … come on Num, lets prise the door open! Num We can’t do that! Skull Oh yes we can! Audience (Possibly prompted/assisted by Num) Oh, no, you can’t! Num & Skull Oh yes we can! Audience Oh no you can’t! Num & Skull Oh yes we can!! Num Dame Fluff Skull Dame Fluff Skull
14
Skull
Ha! Ha! Well just watch this! (They prise open the cottage, like a pop-up book, to reveal Dame Fluff and Hansel crouched where the door once stood. USC there is a small table with the box of shopping placed upon it). Ah-ha! There you are!
Dame Fluff Skull Dame Fluff Num Dame Fluff Num Skull
Here we are! Two rats in a trap! Now what can I do for you, Num, Skull? We’ve been sent on a mission. Really, (sarcastically), a mission, what sort of mission? We’ve come to er, we’ve come to … what have we come to do, Skull? We’ve come to …
Whenever Hansel speaks he takes the lollipop out of his mouth and then replaces it.
Hansel Skull Dame Fluff Skull Num Hansel Num Hansel Num Hansel Num Dame Fluff Num Dame Fluff Skull Dame Fluff Skull Dame Fluff Num Dame Fluff
Num Dame Fluff Skull Dame Fluff Num Dame Fluff
Don’t listen to them Mum its all lies! We’ve come to apprehend you on … (Interrupting) On what charge? … on suspicion of stealing the crown jewels. And emptying the … (Interrupting) Dustbins? Yes, emptying the dustbins … no, not emptying the dustbins … and emptying the … (Interrupting) Lavvy? Yes, emptying the lavvy … no not the lavvy, the treasury, and … (Interrupting) Putting words into your mouth. (Annoyed) Yes, and putting words into my mouth! (Enjoying Num’s discomfort Hansel giggles). I’ll strangle you in a minute! And since when has that been a serious crime? What? Putting words into your mouth, considering the drivel that comes out of it normally … I would say Hansel was doing you a big favour. Now look here … Where? Look here … What’s wrong with over here? Just a minute, I feel a poem coming on. Oh good I like poems. (Skull clips him round the ear). Hey what did you do that for? (Giving a polite cough)
Don’t worry if your life’s a joke, And your successes are but few. Remember that the mighty oak, Was once a nut like you! That’s really beautiful, that is. Thank you I thought you’d like it. (The telephone rings). The phone’s ringing. I might be past my prime, but I’m not deaf. Well, aren’t you going to answer it? Why should I, I don’t know who’s calling.
There are two loud knocks; as quickly as possible they run to the door, pressing their ears to the door they listen intently.
Omnes Voice Omnes Voice
Who’s there? Ida. Ida who? Ida know who.
They run back to their original positions.
Skull Dame Fluff Skull Dame Fluff
Now then Dame Fluff you had better come clean. I do. What? Lifeboy! 15
Skull Dame Fluff Skull Dame Fluff Num Dame Fluff Skull Dame Fluff Hansel Dame Fluff Skull
Lifeboy? Yes, will you be the boy in my life? Well, I … er … don’t … As long as there is life in the boy, I don’t mind, if you don’t mind! What are you two talking about? Soap. Are we? Yes, Lifeboy, Camay, Imperial Leather. Mum’s skin’s like imperial leather! Cheek! My skin’s like a baby’s bottom. Yeah! An elephants bottom more like!
With the exception of Dame Fluff, they all laugh.
Dame Fluff Skull Dame Fluff
What a nerve! I wish I had 20p for every man that asked me to marry him! How much is a packet of Polo’s these days? I wouldn’t know, but I do know this, statistically one in three people are completely barmy, I’ll leave it up to you three to decide whom.
Num, Skull and Hansel look shiftily at each other. There are two loud knocks as before and as quickly as possible they run to the door and listen intently.
Omnes Voice Omnes Voice
Who’s there? Ida again. Ida who? Ida terrible time remembering who I was.
They run back to their original positions. Sergeant Skull passes behind Dame Fluff and Num and Skull trap her using their chests to squash her.
Skull Dame Fluff Num Dame Fluff Num Dame Fluff Skull Dame Fluff Skull Dame Fluff Skull Dame Fluff Skull Dame Fluff Num Dame Fluff Skull Dame Fluff Skull & Num Dame Fluff Skull & Num Dame Fluff Skull & Num Dame Fluff Skull Dame Fluff Skull Dame Fluff Num
Right Dame Fluff, you’re under arrest! Oooh! I feel like a sandwich! Anything you say will be taken down and … (Interrupting) Oooh! You cheeky fellow! … used against you. Can I make a phone call? What for? If I’m under arrest I’m entitled to one phone call. Oh, very well, but hurry up we haven’t got all day! Can you lend me 20p so I can phone a friend. Here’s 50p, phone all your friends! At least I’ve got some friends, unlike you, you great lummox! That’s enough of that, otherwise … Otherwise what? Otherwise we’re going to arrest you. You can’t! Who says we can’t? I do! Oh yes we can! Oh no you can’t! Oh yes we can! Oh no you can’t! (Singing) Oh yes we can! (Singing) Oh no you can’t, you’re going to have to let me go. Never! On a technicality. A technicality; what do you mean? Well technically, you have already arrested me She’s right you know, we’re going to have to let her go. 16
Skull Hansel Skull Dame Fluff Hansel Dame Fluff Num
It’s not fair! I’ll lose my stripes over this, now we’ll both be demoted, demobbed and … (Interrupting) Debagged? I’ll be a Corporal and you’ll be one of the Privates. Well, you have to grab every opportunity that comes along you know. Yeah, go on Num, grab your privates and give us all a laugh! Really Hansel, I’m surprised at you, besides that’s my job! (She makes to grab Num’s ‘privates’). Argh! Keep your hands to yourself!
There’s a loud knock on the door.
Dame Fluff Hansel Dame Fluff Hansel Dame Fluff Hansel Dame Fluff Hansel Dame Fluff Skull Dame Fluff Num
Hansel, go and see who it is. Aw must I? You must! Oh, and before you go. What? I can’t stand watching you stuffing any more of those lollipops in your cake-hole, you can give me one! Aw must I? You must! (The loud knocking on the door is repeated). Now hurry up and answer that door! (Hansel gives her a lollipop and goes to the door). Well, who is it? It’s a man with a bill. Don’t be ridiculous, it’s a duck with a hat! Num, what are we going to do now? The Baron said we were to arrest anyone that looked suspicious. Charming! Oh, that reminds me … the Baron said I was to give you this!
With a great flourish Num produces a letter before Sergeant Skull can take it, Dame Fluff grabs the letter, and in turn Hansel grabs it and opens it.
Skull Num Skull Dame Fluff Skull Num Hansel Skull Dame Fluff
What is it? A letter. I can see it’s a letter you num … Skull! (She laughs). What’s in it? How should I know? It says here you are to wait until the Baron gets here with further orders. Oh no, what are we going to do? I’ve got the very thing.
There is a loud knock on the door
Skull Dame Fluff Hansel Dame Fluff Hansel Dame Fluff Skull Dame Fluff Skull Dame Fluff
(Quivering) That must be him now. Dame Fluff, you’ve got to hide us.
Don’t be ridiculous; Hansel go and see who it is. Aw must I? You must! (Hansel goes to the door). Well, who was it? Only a man collecting for the old folks home. Oh bother … what’s the matter with the man; we gave him Granny last week! But what are we going to do? Bake a cake! Bake a cake; what good would that do? Well, it’s the Baron’s birthday and as I owe him a lot of back rent, I thought I’d take his mind off it and bake him a cake. Num Brilliant! Bags I get the bowl! Skull Bags I get the spoon! Hansel (Aloof) Actually they’re already spoken for! Num & Skull Oooh! There’s posh! Dame Fluff Oh, never mind that … I’m sure there will be plenty for all. Now then Hansel, did you manage to get everything on the list? Hansel I think so. 17
Dame Fluff Num Dame Fluff Hansel Dame Fluff
Right, seeing as we’re baking a cake we must wear the correct attire. What? Put a pinny on! Aw! Must we? You must! I can’t have you ruining your Sunday best … come to think of it, it’s your only best!
They put aprons on and bring the table forward. Pre-set on a shelf under the table there are four squeezy bottles of water, a cookery book, a large bowl, three wooden spoons, a pooper scooper and a ‘poop’, a medium size plastic bag and a custard pie. Dame Fluff begins to unpack the contents of the box of shopping which is on top of the table. They stand in a semi-circle around the kitchen table and it is important that they are standing in this order :- Hansel (SR), Sergeant Skull (SR), Dame Fluff (SL) and Corporal Num (SL). Hansel and Corporal Num are at either end of the table and Sergeant Skull with Dame Fluff stand behind the table. As each item is unpacked Dame Fluff hands the objects to either Sergeant Skull or Corporal Num who in turn hands them to Hansel who puts the items into a bag or another box.
Dame Fluff Skull Hansel Dame Fluff Num Dame Fluff Skull Dame Fluff Skull Dame Fluff Num Dame Fluff Hansel Num Hansel Skull Dame Fluff Num Dame Fluff Skull Num Hansel Num Hansel Num Hansel Dame Fluff Skull Dame Fluff Skull Num Hansel Num Hansel Num Hansel Skull Dame Fluff Hansel Dame Fluff Num Hansel Num
(To Skull) Ah-ha, flour! (To Hansel) Ah-ha, flour!
Ah-ha, flour! (To Num) Butter! (To Hansel) Butter! (To Skull) Eggy-weggies! (To Dame Fluff) The what? (To Skull) Eggy-weggies! (To Hansel) Eggy-weggies! (To Num) And here’s the curranty-wurrenties! (To Dame) The what? (To Num) Curranty-wurrenties! (To Skull) The what? (To Hansel) Here’s the curranty-wurrenties! (To Num) The what? (To Dame Fluff) The what? (To Skull) The eggy-weggies! (To Dame Fluff)The what? (To Num) The curranty-wurrenties! (To Hansel) The eggy-weggies! (To Hansel) The curranty-wurrenties! (To Num) Here’s the eggy-weggies! (To Hansel) The what? (To Num) The what? (To Dame Fluff) The what? (To Skull) The what? (To Num) The curranty-wurrenties! (Dame Fluff) The what? (To Skull) I told you the eggy-weggies, you idiot! (To Hansel) The eggy-weggies, you idiot! (To Hansel) The curranty-wurrenties! (To Num) The eggy-weggies, you idiot! (To Hansel) The what? (To Num) The what? (To Dame Fluff) The eggy-weggies, you idiot! (To Skull) The curranty-wurrenties! (To Hansel) The what? (To Num) How dare you, take that! (She splats an egg on Num’s head). (To Num) The what? (To Num) Curranty-wurrenties! (To Hansel) And don’t call me an idiot, take that! (He splats an egg on Hansel’s head). (To Skull) I’ll teach you to call me an idiot, take that! (He splats an egg on Skull’s head). (To Hansel) Curranty-wurrenties! 18
Skull Dame Fluff Skull Num Skull
(To Dame Fluff) An idiot am I, take that! (He splats an egg on Dame Fluff’s head).
If you ask me all this is getting out of hand! You can say that again. She said if you ask her this is getting out of hand. (He puts an egg in Num’s hand) Hold that. (He then pushes his hand up so that the egg splats in Num’s face.)
Num Skull Num Dame Fluff Hansel Dame Fluff
What did you do that for? Because you’re a big fat numpty! What! Boy’s, boys, this isn’t getting us anywhere … we’ve a cake to bake. Not without eggs you won’t … luckily I bought another box! Oh goodie, give them to me. (Hansel hands her the box). Right you two hold one of these each and don’t break them! (Dame Fluff gives an egg each to Num and Skull). Are you ready? Num & Skull What for? Dame Fluff This! (She pushes their extended hands up so they splat an egg on their respective faces). Let that be a lesson to you both! Now can we get on? If we don’t get this cake baked, our goose will be well and truly cooked … fetch the cookery book! They all run round in a panic looking for the cookery book.
Num Skull Hansel Num Skull Dame Fluff
Hansel Num Skull Dame Fluff Skull Num Hansel Dame Fluff Skull Dame Fluff Skull Dame Fluff Skull Num Hansel Dame Fluff Skull Dame Fluff Skull Num Hansel Dame Fluff
Look for the cookery book! Find the cookery book! I’ve found it! (From under the table). We’ve found the cookery book! Here’s the cookery book! Well let the cook take a look at the cookery book and we can make a start! (Dame Fluff places the book on the table). Now it says here we must weigh the flour … oh very well, but I can’t see what good that will do! (The bag of flour is passed like a rugby ball around the group). Way-hey! Way-hey! Way-hey! Way-hey! Here you are Dame Fluff the flour has now been weighed! (Getting the bowl out) Good, put it in the bowl! (Shouting) Put it in the bowl! (Shouting) Put it in the bowl! (Shouting) I’m putting it in the bowl, now! Must you all shout, you’re giving me a headache! Indubitably! What do you mean indubitably, you nincompoop! Everybody shouts in the army, that’s what we do best! Why am I not surprised … add the currents and cherries. (Shouting) Add the currents and cherries! (Shouting) Add the currents and cherries! (Shouting) Add the currents and cherries! Nuts! (Shouting) Yes and the same to you! Add the nuts! (Shouting) Add the nuts! (Shouting) Add the nuts! (Shouting) Add the nuts! Give it a stir.
They take it in turns to energetically stir the contents of the bowl, which of course, goes everywhere.
Skull Num Hansel Dame Fluff
(Shouting) Give it a stir! (Shouting) Give it a stir! (Shouting) Give it a stir!
Watch out it’s going everywhere! 19
Skull Num Hansel
(Shouting) Watch out it’s going everywhere! (Shouting) Watch out it’s going everywhere! (Shouting) Watch out it’s going everywhere!
General mayhem with all characters adlibbing “Shut-up” etc until the Dame shouts louder still.
Dame Fluff Skull Num Hansel Dame Fluff Hansel Dame Fluff
Shut-up! Shut-up! Shut-up! (Shouting) Num, scoop it up and put it back in the bowl! (Shouting) Hansel, scoop it up and put it back in the bowl! Why should I, you made most of the mess, not me! Oh get out of my way, I’ll do it, what I need is a scooper. Here you are, a pooper-scooper. Just the job.
Using the pooper-scooper Dame Fluff puts the flour back in the bowl along with a ‘mucky-pup’ that was inside the pooperscooper.
Num + Skull Dame Fluff Num Skull Dame Fluff Skull Num Dame Fluff Skull Num Dame Fluff Num & Skull Dame Fluff Num Skull Hansel
Eugh! I’m not eating that! Why not? You just used a pooper-scooper! And look what’s sitting on the top … a big fat ‘Richard’! A what? Richard the third. Yeah, Dick the sh… (Interrupting) Oi! Family show! Family show! Hansel that was your fault! What are you going to do? You can’t start all over again. We’ll just have to hook it out and hope nobody notices. Eugh! That’s disgusting! Don’t be ridiculous, there’s nothing wrong with a bit of dirt! Well, I’m not doing it! Neither am I! As it was my fault, I’ll do it!
Hansel flicks the ‘mucky-pup’ at Num who passes it to Skull who passes it to Dame Fluff who catches it in a plastic bag.
Num Hansel Num
(Peering in the bowl) You’ve left a bit.
Where? There! (Hansel grasps Num’s head and forces it down into the bowl. Skull laughs). I don’t know what you’re laughing at!
Num puts his right hand on the back of Skull’s head and holding the bowl in the left, he forces Skull to put his head in as well.
Right, you’ve had it now!
Skull
Skull grabs a ‘squeezy bottle’ full of water and a frenetic chase ensues in which, ultimately, everybody grabs a ‘squeezy bottle’. Which is how, in true panto fashion, the audience and the cast get wet. At last it is only Dame Fluff left on stage; there is a smart rap on the door, from under the table she produces a custard pie and hides behind the door.
Dame Fluff
Come in!
Enter Baron Jasper. Dame Fluff splats him with the pie. Black out.
MUSIC #4 - SOMETHING SUITABLE TO CLOSE THE ACT
END OF ACT ONE INTERVAL 20
ACT TWO MUSIC #5 - SOMETHING SUITABLE TO OPEN THE ACT Scene 1 (Outside Dame Fluff’s Cottage) During the interval the interior of Dame’ Fluff’s cottage is changed into the interior of the ‘Gingerbread’ house belonging to Winnie the Witch and her cat. Dame Fluff enters from the cottage.
Dame Fluff
Hello everybody, hello … are you having a nice time? … You are? I expect you enjoyed the interval more than Act One? … You did? I’m not surprised! Oooh, I’m having a terrible time, ever since I ate that lollipop. I’ve got a funny rumbly in my tumbly. I’ve got a terrible craving for another, but it’s no good, that nasty old Baron ordered those nincompoops Num and Skull to confiscate every single one of them. It wasn’t my fault you know, I mean you saw what happened, how was I to know meanie old Baron Jasper was going to appear right at the critical moment. He had to go home to get changed! Oooh, but what would I give for just one more insy-winsy little lick!
Enter Baron Jasper.
Baron Jasper Dame Fluff Baron Jasper Dame Fluff Baron Jasper Dame Fluff Baron Jasper Dame Fluff Baron Jasper Dame Fluff Baron Jasper Dame Fluff Baron Jasper Dame Fluff Baron Jasper Dame Fluff Baron Jasper Dame Fluff Baron Jasper Dame Fluff Baron Jasper Dame Fluff Baron Jasper Dame Fluff Baron Jasper Dame Fluff Baron Jasper Dame Fluff Baron Jasper Dame Fluff Baron Jasper Dame Fluff Baron Jasper Dame Fluff Baron Jasper Dame Fluff Baron Jasper
Ah there you are, I want a word with you! Most people do, you naughty boy! Have I shown you my holiday snaps? No, and I appreciate it! Look, I’m terribly sorry about that little mishap. I should think so too! But you won’t hold it against me will you? What? I said you won’t hold it against me? Of course not! Pity … Now listen, I have it on good authority that two Bishop’s were seen in bed together. I beg your pardon? The question is : which one wore the nightie? What? Mrs Bishop, of course! Look, enough of this nonsense I’ve come about … (Interrupting) Are you a sailor? Of course not, now I’ve come about … (Interrupting) What again, are you sure you’re not a sailor? I suppose that’s how you cleaned your uniform; you just threw it overboard and washed it ashore. No, no, no I’ve come about … (Interrupting) I’m beginning to feel seasick! I’ve come about the rent you owe me. Ah! Is that all you can say? Do you know what? What? Hypochondriacs make me sick. Now about my rent. And about time too! I should say so. Get to the point; what can I do for you? You can pay the rent, that’s what you can do for me. Ah! What do you mean ah? Well it’s come to my attention … What has? That pollution is a dirty word. Now look here, I won’t be fobbed off a moment longer … 21
Dame Fluff Baron Jasper Dame Fluff Baron Jasper Dame Fluff Baron Jasper Dame Fluff Baron Jasper Dame Fluff Baron Jasper Dame Fluff Baron Jasper Dame Fluff Baron Jasper Dame Fluff
Well, all right … how much do I owe you? Let me see … (Getting out a notebook). You can always count on your fingers. Four hundred and fifty seven pounds, times eight, plus the thirty-nine percent surcharge, added to the penalty for non-payment of the back rent is … I can hardly wait! A mere five thousand, seven hundred and eighty-nine pounds, thirty-seven pence exactly! Don’t talk about eggs to me! Exactly? Yes, exactly! Exactly! Why do you keep saying exactly? Because it’s out of the question. What is? Your five thousand, seven hundred and eighty-nine pounds, thirty-seven pence … Exactly! Is exactly five thousand, seven hundred and eighty-nine pounds, thirty-six pence more than I have … see, you can see for yourself.
Dame Fluff empties her purse.
Baron Jasper Is that it? Dame Fluff Don’t be so insulting, it has the Queen’s head on it doesn’t it and if it’s good enough for her then it should be good enough for you! Here take it, my very last penny! Baron Jasper But … Dame Fluff All that I have in the world! Baron Jasper I’m afraid this really won’t do! Dame Fluff Oh well, easy come easy go. Baron Jasper What do you mean, easy come easy go? Dame Fluff My precious virtue, I’ll just have to pay you in kind. Baron Jasper Pay me in kind? Dame Fluff Baron, look into my eyes? Baron Jasper What for? Dame Fluff The beauty, the passion, the face that launched a thousand ships? Baron Jasper The last time I saw a face like yours, I threw it a banana! Dame Fluff I’ll have you know that in my time I’ve turned a few heads. Baron Jasper Yes, and probably a few stomachs! Dame Fluff But Baron, can’t you see, I still have the face of a teenager. Baron Jasper Well give it back, you’re wearing it out! Dame Fluff All you need is a little imagination! In days gone by I had a million-dollar figure? Baron Jasper Looks like inflation set in years ago! Dame Fluff How cruel, I am watching my weight you know. Baron Jasper Yes, watching it go up you mean! Perhaps a mudpack would help your complexion? Dame Fluff It does for a day or so, then it falls off! But, my dear Baron, how could you tell, I’ve only just come back from the beauty parlour. Baron Jasper Was it closed? Dame Fluff Do you think you could learn to love me? Baron Jasper Madam, I’ve seen better teeth on a comb, better hair on a coconut, and better skin on a rice pudding! Dame Fluff What would it take to make you give me a kiss? Baron Jasper An anaesthetic! Dame Fluff But Baron, don’t you even like me a teensy-weensy little bit? Baron Jasper As girls go you’re fine, and the sooner you go the better! Dame Fluff Oh Baron, from the bottom of my heart to the heart of my bottom, don’t make a hasty decision, think of my lineage! Baron Jasper Your lineage? Dame Fluff Yes my family’s descended from royalty you know. 22
Baron Jasper Really … King Kong? Look, I don’t want to be rude but you’ve got so many double chins you look as if you’re peering over a pile of crumpets. Dame Fluff So, you’re saying it’s all over between us, before it ever got started! Baron Jasper Precisely! Dame Fluff But … Baron Jasper If you ask me, you’d give a headache to an aspirin! Now cough up the rent or clear off; it’s entirely up to you, and while you’re thinking about it, I’m going to have one of those lollies I purloined … Dame Fluff Pinched! Baron Jasper From your, sorry, my house! Dame Fluff I wouldn’t if I were you. Baron Jasper What? Dame Fluff Have one of those lollies there’s something very peculiar about them. Baron Jasper Bah, stuff and nonsense! Dame Fluff Well, You can’t say I didn’t warn you! Baron Jasper Mmmm … absolutely delicious, a new taste sensation, they’re lolly-rific! I can hardly wait to have another one! Dame Fluff Don’t mind if I do! Baron Jasper Hands off, they’re mine, all mine! Dame Fluff That’s funny I thought they were mine, all mine! Baron Jasper They were, now they’re all mine, in lieu of the rent you owe me! Dame Fluff That’s fine by me. Baron Jasper What is? Dame Fluff I distinctly heard you say that the lollies were all yours in lieu of the rent. Baron Jasper No I didn’t! Dame Fluff Yes you did! Baron Jasper Oh no I didn’t! Dame Fluff Oh yes you did! Baron Jasper Oh no I didn’t! Dame Fluff Oh yes you did! Baron Jasper Well, it’s not what I meant. Dame Fluff Well, what did you mean? Baron Jasper I meant to say they were in part payment of the rent. Dame Fluff You should always say what you mean. Baron Jasper (Reluctantly) I’m willing to forgo the thirty-seven pence. Dame Fluff (Indignant) Thirty-six! Baron Jasper Of course, thirty-six. Dame Fluff How generous of you but, if it’s all the same to you, I think I’ll stick to the original agreement. Baron Jasper What original agreement? Dame Fluff You have the lollies and I’ll keep the lolly! Baron Jasper Now look here, I’ve just about had enough of you. Dame Fluff It takes two to tango! Baron Jasper What? (Dame Fluff dances a Tango with him, and with a final flourish, Dame Fluff spins the Baron and sits him on her knee). Let go of me you impossible woman! Dame Fluff (Promptly dropping him) What we need is an arbitrator. Baron Jasper No we don’t! Dame Fluff Yes we do; an impartial bystander. Baron Jasper But there isn’t anybody around. Enter Dobbin.
Dame Fluff Baron Jasper Dame Fluff Baron Jasper Dame Fluff
Yes there is. Who? Him! That’s just a silly old horse, and a particularly dim-looking one at that! I’d be careful what you say if I were you. (Suddenly pointing at the floor). What’s that? 23
Baron Jasper (Peering downwards) I can’t see anything. While the Baron is bent over, Dobbin takes advantage and kicks him.
Dame Fluff Baron Jasper Dame Fluff Baron Jasper
Didn’t you know you should never stand behind a horse. How dare you! You are a lovely horsy-worsey, yes you are, a real stallion! Fit for the knacker’s yard more like!
Dobbin stamps on the Baron’s foot.
Baron Jasper Dame Fluff Baron Jasper Dame Fluff Baron Jasper
Yeee-ow! What’s the matter Jasper, swallowed a wasp? It’s on my foot! What is? This mangy old carthorse!
Dobbin removes his hoof.
Dame Fluff
No he isn’t, you wouldn’t stand on the Baron’s footsy-wootsy now, would you? (Dobbin shakes his head). Oh you are a clever horsey-worsey.
Dobbin nods his head.
Baron Jasper Clever my eye! That horse has the devil in him! There is a flash SL. Enter the Demon.
Demon Did somebody call? Baron Jasper Who are you? Demon I’m a wicked demon of the night, Come to give you a terrible fright. (Dobbin immediately stamps on the Demon’s foot). Yeee-ow get off my foot you flea-bitten nag, Go and stamp on the foot of that old bag. Dobbin shakes his head.
Dame Fluff
Don’t listen to him he’s just a silly old demon … what am I saying? … It really is a silly old demon! Help! Gang way! I’m out of here!
Dobbin leaps in the air and exits, quickly pursued by Dame Fluff.
Demon
Jasper like a statue you must be, Stand stock-still like a forest tree. (The Baron, still clutching a handful of lollies, freezes). Winnie will be pleased with this lolly catch, Now she doesn’t have to make another batch. I’ll soon redistribute these magic lollies, To boys and girls with their toys and dollies. Just a minute, I feel a shiver up my spine, That fairy’s coming here to whinge and whine.
Enter the Fairy.
Fairy Demon Fairy Demon Fairy
Demon Fairy Demon
Oh, the Demon! I might have known it was you, Something strange is going on, can you feel it too? Strange? I do not know what you mean. You’re under a spell, which is plain to be seen. I’m an evil demon; nobody can put a spell on me. Oh yes they can you know, now let me see. “Release the Demon from his magical plight, Open his eyes, so he can see the light”. I feel very strange and mighty queer, Where am I? What am I doing here? There is evil in the air of that I’m sure. Which is better than all things white and pure. 24
Fairy
Demon
Dealing with you is easy and what I do best, But I do feel something else is giving me a test. Where did you get those children’s sweets? It’s not like you to be giving away treats. The Baron was clutching them in his hand, They’re yours; sweet things I cannot stand. Now I have my freedom from that magic spell, I’m free to cause mischief, while I scream and yell.
The Demon exits with a suitable demonic laugh.
At least the Demon’s normal and back on line, But now I must concentrate and look for a sign. One of these lollies might help me to think, There’s something amiss; a missing link. Mmm this lolly has a delicious flavour, It’s quite exquisite; something to savour. There’s evil about I shouldn’t wonder, So for now I must away, to think and ponder. (She exits. Then, from offstage, as an afterthought). Oh Baron! Awake from your sudden slumber.
Fairy
The Demon momentarily appears and casts a spell over the Baron.
Demon
Yeah, shake your bones with some crazy number
The Baron instantly comes to and gyrates madly whilst singing.
MUSIC #6 – ‘SHAKE, RATTLE AND ROLL’ Baron Jasper What am I doing? Why am I here, and why do I have a terrible craving for one of those lovely, lovely, lollies?! Lovely, lovely, lollies … what am I saying? I’m supposed to be trying to find the Crown Jewels and all the lovely, lovely, lollies … er, I mean stolen lolly, er … treasure. I must hurry back and organise my lovely, lovely, lollipop men, er … I mean soldiers, no, er, just a minute, yes that’s exactly what I mean, I’ll raise a new model army of lollipop men to scour the countryside for lollies! Yes that’s what I’ll do … nobody will get in our way, nothing will stop us; we’ll be invincible! Hannibal can keep his elephants, Rome can keep their legions and I can keep my lollies! Enter Dame Fluff.
Dame Fluff Baron Jasper Dame Fluff Baron Jasper Dame Fluff Baron Jasper
Oooh! Has that horrible demon gone? What? You would say what to me? You’ll be giving hay to the horses next! What? I said … I don’t care what you said! Lollies, madam, lollies! That’s all that matters! Now, get out of my way … I’ve got an army to raise! Lollies! Lollies! Lollies! Lollies! Lollies! I need a lolly!
Exit Baron Jasper, raging as he leaves in an unhealthy demented fashion, concerning ‘Lollies!’.
Dame Fluff
Lolly, he’s off his trolley!
Enter Hansel.
Hansel Dame Fluff Hansel Dame Fluff Hansel Dame Fluff Hansel Dame Fluff Hansel Dame Fluff
Hey Mum; you haven’t got one of those lollies left have you? Oh, not you as well! Well, have you? I was going to ask you the same thing. I bet you’ve got one hidden somewhere! I only wish I had, I’m beginning to feel certain pangs of yearning myself. Are you absolutely positive you haven’t got even the teensy-weenciest little bit left? You know very well Baron Jasper made Num and Skull collect every single one of them up so he could scoff them all himself. Greedy pig! All I’ve got left is this. (She holds up a lolly stick). 25
Hansel Dame Fluff Hansel Dame Fluff Hansel Dame Fluff Hansel Dame Fluff Hansel Dame Fluff
That’ll do, let me suck it, there might be a little bit of flavour left! I’m afraid not dear, I’ve already licked and sucked it. What are we going to do? Well at times like these there’s only one thing left to do. What’s that? Sing a song of course! That won’t do any good. Of course it will … and perhaps this lot can help us. If we sing loud enough it might take our minds off this terrible craving. Do you think so? Well there’s no harm in trying, is there. Now then, you should all have the words on the back of your programmes … come along, hurry up … Oooh, you just can’t get the staff these days. What’s that, you haven’t got a programme dear, well you shouldn’t have been so stingy should you; you’ll just have to do the best you can and by the look of you I won’t be holding my breath! Right, are we ready? We’ll sing it as loud as we can and you lot can try and pick it up; all right? Off we go then, after three … three!
MUSIC #7 – ‘ON THE GOOD SHIP LOLLIPOP’ Hansel & Dame On the good ship Lollipop, It’s a sweet trip to a candy shop, Where bon-bons play, On the sunny beach of Peppermint Bay. Lemonade stands everywhere, Crackerjack bands fill the air, And there you are, Happy landing on a chocolate bar. Dame Fluff Hansel Dame Fluff
That was lovely! Hey Mum, I’ve got an idea. Why doesn’t your side sing one verse and we’ll sing the other, just to see who is the loudest? Very well, we’ll start. OK, my side …(aside) the good looking lot … are you ready to sing? (To Hansel) Then the … (aside) hideously ugly side … can take over. Ready? One more time with feeling!
Dame Fluff and Hansel sing the song again, encouraging the audience to join in.
Dame Fluff Hansel Dame Fluff Hansel Dame Fluff Hansel Dame Fluff Hansel
There I feel much better now. Do you, because I don’t. All that singing about sweets and lollies has made me feel worse. Well, now you come to mention it I definitely feel a craving coming on. Mum, what are we going to do? Think of something else. Like what? Sausages! Sausages! That’s no good … I don’t want sausages, I want lollies! I want lollies! I want lollies!
Hansel has a ludicrous tantrum, whilst Dame Fluff holds her ears.
Dame Fluff Hansel Dame Fluff Hansel
Feeling better dear? No I’m not, I might just as well follow my nose for all the good that it will do … but that’s it! What is dear? She said if I wanted any more, I was to follow my nose … well, here goes!
Hansel sticks his nose in the air, he slowly meanders across the stage until he finally picks up the scent and, once hooked, the magic does its work, he careers off stage at a rate of knots.
Dame Fluff
Hansel! Hansel! Where are you going? Come back here at once! Hansel you’re heading for the wicked wild wood, you’ll never find your way out of there! Come back! Come back! Oh, bother, now I suppose I’ll have to leave a note and follow him. (To the audience). Excuse me! No peeking! (She turns upstage and rummages under her dress for a pencil and paper). Here we are, I always keep pencil and paper in my drawers … just for those little emergencies you 26
understand. I mean, you never know when you might need to take something down … Oooh! Call the management, the riff-raff are in! I’m talking about scribbling something down in a hurry not … well, never mind about that. Now, as long as there’s lead in my pencil, I should be all … oh, not again! You really are a common lot … now, behave yourselves! (Writing). Gone to the wild, wild wood … don’t wait up … love and kisses … Mum. There, that should do it … I’ll just stick it up here, (she pins the note to the door), and then I’ll be off. Now, what did Hansel say? Er … oh, that’s it … follow your nose! But what if I get lost in the woods? I might never find my way out again … oh dear, what shall I do? Just a minute … I’ve got an idea. (She fishes about in her apron). I know they’re in here somewhere. (She produces a variety of odd things, then …) Ah! Here we are, a bag of marbles I confiscated from Hansel last week; that should do the trick! (Dobbin peers round a flat and disappears). What’s that, you saw a horse? Where, I can’t see a horse! (Dobbin canters on stage barely missing Dame Fluff who is whirled around in a circle. Quickly recovering she runs after Dobbin). Oi! Come back! I could do with a lift! (To audience). Oi watch it you! (To Dobbin). Come back here! (Dame Fluff and Dobbin exit). Bye everybody, bye! Enter Gretel and the Prince.
Gretel Prince Rupert Gretel Prince Rupert Gretel Prince Rupert Gretel Prince Rupert Gretel
Prince Rupert Gretel Prince Rupert Gretel Prince Rupert Gretel Prince Rupert Gretel
That was really sweet of you to bring me all the way home. Oh, it was nothing; but now I must leave you … Oh, must you? I’m afraid I must … I have to report back to the Palace. Oh, are you sure, you wouldn’t like to come in and … (Hopefully) And what? And have a cup of tea or something. I’m sorry, I can’t … maybe another time. Just a minute, what’s this? (Reading the Dame’s note). “Gone to the wild, wild wood … don’t wait up … love and kisses, Mum”. Oh no, the wild, wild wood is a terrible place; I’ll never see her again. Of course you will, I’ll tell you what, the Palace can wait; we’ll both go after her! Are you sure? You won’t get into trouble? As long as I am with you, I don’t care if I do! And just in case we get lost, we can leave a trail! What with? Some old stale bread. Stale bread? Yes, that’s all we ever have in this house … don’t go away, I won’t be long.
Gretel momentarily exits into the cottage. In the distance there is the sound of a galloping horse. Prince Rupert listens intently. Gretel returns with half a loaf of bread.
Gretel What’s that noise? Prince Rupert It’s Dobbin, my faithful old horse! Gretel Sounds like a man with two coconuts to me! Dobbin enters at a gallop. He nearly knocks Prince Rupert and Gretel over. Leaping to their feet they chase after him; he traverses the stage in a wide arc and exits.
Prince Rupert Dobbin! Don’t you know me? Quick after him! There is a demon flash. The Demon enters, but before he can speak he is trampled underfoot by the wild exit of Dobbin, Prince Rupert and Gretel.
Demon
Argh!
Enter Dame Fluff.
Dame Fluff
Demon
Oooh! There’s plenty of life left in the old nag! (Enlisting the help of the audience). Now which way did he go, this way or that? Righty-tighty! Off we jolly well go, he won’t give me the slip a second time. Byeee! (She starts to exit, and the Demon, having recovered, is knocked over again). Eugh! You again! Get out of my way you … you … you beetroot! (She exits). Argh!
Enter the Fairy, in a hurry.
27
Fairy
Something odd is happening I know not what, I must go to the woods … (Enter the Demon). … out of my way, you red nosed clot!
The Demon is once a gain knocked for six.
Demon
(Annoyed) That’s it, I think in future I’ll carry a gun,
But it does seem like I’m missing all the fun. Now it was to the woods I heard her say, So be it. I’ll follow, and make them all pay. Ha! Ha! Ha! Now to this place you creatures from hell Like a whirlwind, come quick, pell-mell. To allow for the set change the stage is plunged into darkness. The Dames house is dressed with sweets and cakes, to become the exterior of the ‘Gingerbread’ house; the bushes and trees on the boat trucks, positioned either side of the stage, obscure the transformation. During this, a single top light illuminates the Demon as he casts his evil spell, while the monsters, ghosts and ghouls slither onto the stage to fawn at the feet of the demon.
Ha! Ha! Ha! So my pretty monsters from the fiery pit, Take breath, and on the audience gob and spit. Ha! Ha! Ha! Gather round while I make an evil incantation, By all the powers, transport us to a forest location. Change all that you see to a dismal, gloomy dell. Far, far away from here , and so I cast my runic spell. And to help us with our facinorous, fearful flight, We’ll dance like banshee’s and howl to the night. So come! Wail a mournful, unholy, hideous dirge, Something to make the bile, vomit, leap and surge. Come warble your baleful song and sow the seed, A frightful female demon should take the lead. The chorus of demons look at each other, they laugh and cackle in only the way demons, ghosts and ghouls can, before launching into their favourite song and dance number! The Demon is horrified by the vamping antics of the female Demon.
MUSIC #8 - ‘MY BOY LOLLIPOP’ After the song the chorus of demons exit in all directions, screaming and yelling.
Demon
Whoever wrote this rubbish doesn’t have a clue, It’s not what I had in mind but suppose it will do.
Exit the Demon.
Scene 2 (The Wild, Wild Wood) Enter Num and Skull each holding a ‘lollipop’ stop sign, and with a white coat draped over an arm.
Num Skull Num Skull Num Skull Num Skull Num Skull Num Skull Num
Go on admit it, you’re lost aren’t you? Of course I’m not lost. Yes you are! Oh no I’m not! Oh yes you are! Oh no I’m not Oh yes you are! Oh no I’m not Oh no you’re not Oh yes I am! See, I told you so, and the wild, wild wood is not the best place to lose yourself in … the whole place is teaming with wild beasts, outlaws and things that go bump in the night! Look never mind about that now, we’ve got to find the patrol. How can we do that? 28
Skull Num Skull Num Skull Num Skull Num Skull Num Skull Num Skull Num Skull Num Skull Num Skull Num Skull
What do you mean, “How can we do that?” Well you were the one who told them to spread out; now they’re all lost! That wasn’t my fault I was merely obeying orders. Humph! What do you mean “Humph”! Well! What do you mean “Well”? If you ask me it stands to reason, doesn’t it? It stands to reason I’m going to brain you in a minute, what are you going on about? I’d rather not say. You’d better! Well it’s that silly old Baron’s fault. What about him? He’s off his rocker. You can say that again. He’s off his … Not literally. Oh yes, literally … he’s literally gone off his rocker! Fancy turning the whole army into lollipop ladies. Speak for yourself, I’m a lollipop man. Well, lollipop persons then; the whole thing is a mockery! I mean, how can anyone take orders seriously anymore? (Quoting) “Ours not to reason why; Ours is but to do and …”
Enter Baron Jasper.
Baron Jasper Ah! Sergeant Lollipop and Corporal Lollipop I’ve been looking for you, where are all the Private lollipop’s? Skull Baron Jasper? Baron Jasper Baron Jasper Lollipop to you, Sergeant Lollipop. Num I rest my case. Baron And why are you two improperly dressed? Skull Sorry sir! Num It won’t happen again, sir. Baron Jasper I should think not now put on your coats and we’ll say no more about it. Num and Skull put the two white coats on.
Num Baron Jasper Num Baron Jasper Num Baron Jasper
Sir? What is it Corporal Lollipop? I thought we were supposed to be scouring the woods for the stolen treasure from the Treasury? There’s been a change of plan; diamonds are out and lollipops are in. Oh I see. Do you Lollipop, do you really?
The first part of the introduction to the theme tune of the 1950’s ‘Robin Hood’ TV series is heard, (De daa, de dee dee, de daa de daa). Baron Jasper leaps into Num’s arms.
Baron Jasper What on earth was that? Num I don’t know sir, but can I put you down now, sir. Baron Jasper Certainly, I don’t know what got into me. The part of the ‘Robin Hood’ theme is heard again. Baron Jasper leaps into Skull’s arms.
Baron Jasper Argh! There it is again! Skull Yes sir, can I put you down now, sir? Baron Jasper Oh yes, of course … I was just testing your reflexes. The full introduction to the ‘Robin Hood’ theme tune is heard, (De daa, de dee dee, de daa de daa … de de de daaaah … whooshing arrow sound … doiinng!). Enter Robin Hood.
Robin Hood
Halt! 29
Num Robin Hood Baron Jasper Robin Hood Num & Skull Robin Hood Baron Jasper Robin Hood Baron Jasper Robin Hood Baron Jasper Omnes Robin Hood Baron Jasper Robin Hood Baron Jasper Num & Skull Baron Jasper Robin Hood Baron Jasper Robin Hood Baron Jasper Robin Hood Baron Jasper
(Holding up a ‘Stop - Children Crossing’ sign) Halt yourself! (To audience) I could do with one of those.
Who are you? Robin Hood at your service! Oh no, not the Robin Hood? I’m afraid so. Are you sure you’re Robin Hood? Well I was this morning. You don’t look like Robin Hood to me. What do I look like to you? A robbin’ bas… Family show, family show! Now my good fellow hand … (Interrupting) Don’t you good fellow me … I’m Baron Jasper Lollipop! I see, well Baron Jasper Lollipop, hand over your lolly! Never! Give him one, sir! Even if I had some I wouldn’t hand anything over to you! Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear! You’re wasting you’re time, I’ve lost the lot! Really? So if I were you, I’d run along and halt somebody else … we’re far too busy. Are you now? Yes we’re hot on the trail of replacement lolly, truckloads in fact!
The sound of coconuts representing a horse is heard off. Dobbin enters and scatters the group. Enter the Dame in hot pursuit.
Dame Fluff Baron Jasper Robin Hood Baron Jasper Skull Baron Jasper
Gangway! (She exits). That was Dame Fluff! (Sarcastically) You don’t say. She must know something. I doubt it! Quick after her … don’t let her get away!
Exit Baron Jasper, Corporal Num and Sergeant Skull.
Robin Hood
Oi come back here!
Prince Rupert and Gretel are heard.
Prince Rupert (Offstage) Gretel are you sure this is the right way? Robin Hood Ah somebody else is coming, perhaps I’ll have better luck with them! Robin Hood hides in the trees.
Gretel (Offstage) Of course it’s the right way; I know these woods like the back of my hand! Prince Rupert (Offstage) When did you last look at the back of your hand? Gretel (Offstage) Well … Enter Gretel and Prince Rupert.
Prince Rupert Gretel Prince Rupert Gretel Prince Rupert Gretel Prince Rupert Gretel
We’re lost aren’t we? Well … It really doesn’t matter … I mean I was lost before I met you, and now … Yes? I’m lost forever! Oh Rupee, are you really? I’m afraid I am! But that’s wonderful! 30
The first part of the introduction to the theme tune of the 1950’s ‘Robin Hood’ TV series is heard, (De daa, de dee dee, de daa de daa). Robin Hood leaps out from behind the trees.
Robin Hood Prince Rupert Robin Hood Prince Rupert Robin Hood Prince Rupert Gretel Prince Rupert Robin Hood Dame Fluff
That’s quite enough of that! Enough of what? All that lovey-dovey stuff, it’s making me feel positively ill! Who are you anyway? Robin Hood, at your service. (He bows low). You’re not that robbin’ bas… (Interrupting) Rupee! Shh! My mum’s in! Oh sorry honey-bun! Hand over everything you own, toot-suite! (The sound of coconuts representing a horse is heard again. Dobbin enters, followed by Dame Fluff, the Baron, Num and Skull). Oh no, not again! Head him off at the pass!
Exit Dobbin, Dame Fluff, the Baron, Num and Skull.
Gretel
Mum!
Gretel joins in the chase and exits.
Prince Rupert Gretel, come back! Don’t leave me! Exit Prince Rupert.
Robin Hood
This could become tedious!
Enter Alice; she tugs at Robin Hood’s sleeve.
Alice Robin Hood Alice Robin Hood Alice Robin Hood Alice Robin Hood Alice
Excuse me, sir. What? (Robin Hood jumps) Who are you? My name is Alice and I seem to be lost. I was following the White Rabbit and … You were following a white rabbit? No not a white rabbit, the White Rabbit. Oh I see. Actually I don’t think you do! He’s about this big and he’s wearing a waistcoat from which he keeps pulling out a large pocket watch … A pocket watch? Yes a pocket watch, now do please listen, after I fell down a hole he was the first thing I saw and …
Enter the Mad Hatter.
Mad Hatter Alice Mad Hatter Robin Hood Mad Hatter Robin Hood Mad Hatter Alice Mad Hatter Alice Mad Hatter Robin Hood Mad Hatter Alice Mad Hatter Robin Hood Mad Hatter Alice Mad Hatter
We can’t start without you! Start what? The tea party of course. Tea party? Who said that? I did. No room, no room! If you ask me you shouldn’t be so rude. I wasn’t asking you. But … … ter wouldn’t melt in your mouth, besides he started it. No I didn’t. Did, did, did! I don’t suppose you have seen the White Rabbit recently have you? I wouldn’t tell you if I had! Do you know what? What? The Cheshire cat swallowed a penny. Oh dear, is he all right? I don’t know but at least there’s money in the kitty! 31
Alice Mad Hatter Alice Mad Hatter Alice Mad Hatter Robin Hood Mad Hatter Alice Mad Hatter
Robin Hood Mad Hatter Alice Mad Hatter Robin Hood Mad Hatter Alice Mad Hatter Alice Mad Hatter Alice Mad Hatter Robin Hood Mad Hatter Robin Hood Mad Hatter Robin Hood Alice Mad Hatter Alice Mad Hatter Alice Mad Hatter Alice Robin Hood
That is not very funny. Says who? The next time I see the dormouse I’ll ask him … he always knows what’s funny and what isn’t. Does he really? That’s if you can find him, he went on a diet you see. I don’t see that has anything to do with it. Of course it has, last week he disappeared! I think you are somewhat preposterous. No room, no room! But there is plenty of room. Not if you are expecting guests. (Without warning). T’was in the restaurant that they met, Romeo and Juliet. He had no cash to pay the debt, So Romeo’d what Juliet. Now I … No, no, no, no, no! Speak when you are spoken to or not at all. Some say fleas are black, but I know that’s not so, for Mary had a little lamb with fleas as white as snow! Very good, I must remember that. Now, I must insist … I say again, no, no, no, no, no! Now here’s a riddle. Oh good, I like riddles. Well riddle me this then, what begins with T, ends with T and has T in the middle? Mmm that’s very difficult, don’t tell me. A teapot of course … and talking of tea, its time for tea, now are you coming or not? Well, I suppose I … Well, nothing at all, come along, otherwise we’ll be late! Now, just a minute! If you really want to be invited, you will have to answer some puzzling questions, before I can possibly consider it. Questions, what sort of questions? (He sings the ‘Mastermind’ theme tune. “Da, da-da, Da”) Your starter for ten … (Holding up ten fingers and singing the final part “Da, Da!”) … how can you dilute water? Er, mmm? That is a perfectly silly question. Is that so. Yes, it is so! It’s like asking if hands grow on palm trees. Mmm, you’ve got me there. Or how deep is a hole, or how long is a piece of string! You’re better at this than I am … tell me can a match box? No, but a tin can! No, you’ve lost me there!
The ‘horsey’ sound of coconuts is heard again. Enter the White Rabbit at speed.
Alice White Rabbit Alice White Rabbit Alice Mad Hatter
Ah, Mr Rabbit, there you are. I’m late, I’m late; for a very important date. But … No time to say hello, goodbye; I’m late, I’m late, I’m late! (Exits). Come back I’ve something very important to ask you! (Exits). I like a chase! (Exits).
The sound of the coconuts representing the horse becomes louder.
Robin Hood
Come back … I haven’t had a chance to rob you yet!
32
Enter Dobbin, with Dame Fluff, The Baron, Num, Skull and Gretel in hot pursuit. Just before he is run down by Dobbin, Robin turns and is obliged to leap to one side. Now he is in the way of Dame Fluff, he leaps the other way, but now he’s in the way of The Baron. This continues down the line with suitable comments from the cast. As Gretel passes he avoids her and turns to look offstage at the receding horde, Prince Rupert enters and knocks him flat, then exits. Robin picks himself up and exits. There is a flash and the Demon enters.
Demon
Ha! Ha! Ha! I feel an evil plan about to unfold, The sort of thing that is always foretold. Winnie the witch needs to be taught a lesson, I’ll teach her to respect those she’s address-in. The Demon responds to the audience’s reaction.
What do you mean that’s a terrible rhyme? It was inspired, creative and quite sublime. Besides, what do you lot know about rhyming, It’s all to do with metre, pause and timing. And just to prove my point I shall now recite a poem! The Demon clears his throat with a little cough.
Down the street his funeral goes, As sobs and wails diminish. He died from drinking varnish, But he had a lovely finish. There! Ha! The poet laureate’s got nothing on me! There is a flash. Enter the Fairy
Fairy Demon
For once you and I must surely agree. Oh its old sparkly sugar plum herself. I suppose you think you can do better …
Fairy Demon
… of course! In that case a challenge! Line by line or letter? A dreadful young singer named Hannah, Was caught in a flood on the savannah, As she floated away, Her sister, they say, Accompanied her on the piannah! Hah! I rest my case! … … with an appalling rhyme! Oh very well just one more time. There was a young lady named Rose, Who had a big wart on her nose, When she had it removed, Her appearance improved, But her glasses slipped down to her toes! I must allow you a point for your cheek. But hurry we don’t want to be here all week … There was an old dame called Perkins, Who ate a plateful of gherkins, One day after tea, She ate fifty-three, And pickled her internal workings!
Fairy Demon Fairy Demon Fairy Demon Fairy Demon Fairy Demon Fairy Demon Fairy Demon Fairy Demon
The sound of coconuts are heard again. Enter the White Rabbit, Alice, The Mad Hatter, Dobbin, Dame Fluff, The Baron, Num, Skull, Gretel, Prince Rupert and Robin Hood who cross the stage as before. The Demon who still remembers what happened the last time, leaps into the air with a shriek and exits. They all follow. The Fairy lightly skips out of the way as they all trundle past. No sooner have they all exited; then from a different entrance, with the Demon in the lead, they reenter and career across the stage, each character adlibs as they run past (for example the Dame might say” Dobbin come back!” or Gretel might say “Rupee! Rupee! Wait for me!” etc). This is repeated a number of times until finally …
33
Fairy
This wild disorderly behaviour really will not do, I must do something to break up this unruly crew.
The Fairy waves her wand.
Let disorientation descend upon this rabble, Now disperse and leave off your rowdy babble. The chase instantly breaks up and exits in as any different directions as possible.
There! Now I must take my leave and say goodbye, I have a craving for a lolly, and I don’t know why. Exit the Fairy. Enter Winnie and the Cat.
Well cat, isn’t it about time that horrid little brat made an appearance? And what do you suppose has happened to my pet demon, I sent him on an errand hours ago? Cat Purrr … patience is a virtue! Winnie Well I’m getting a little peckish, and a fat podgy little boy would be just the ticket. Cat I would prefer a fat juicy herring myself, or even a rat and mouse-tail pie. Winnie Perhaps I didn’t make the spell in the lollies strong enough. Cat Stop worrying, the boy is so greedy he’ll find our cottage soon enough. Winnie He’d better; otherwise there might be a change of menu! Cat au vin, or cat burgers or boiled cat and dumplings! Cat You wouldn’t dare! Winnie Oh wouldn’t I! (She prepares to make a spell). By all the powers … Cat (Alarmed) Wait! I have an idea! Winnie What is it … and it had better be good, otherwise it’ll be cat-pizza and chips for dinner. Cat To make your spell stronger you need to turn the cottage into a gingerbread house. Winnie Mmm, I’m interested; go on. Cat Cover the outside of the cottage with sweets and cakes, make the whole thing irresistible, the wind will do the rest. Winnie The wind, what do you mean, the wind will do the rest? Cat One whiff and he’ll find it in a jiffy, and then … Winnie (Winnie clicks her fingers) Snap! Caught in a trap! What a clever little pussy you are, what would I do without you? Come along then let’s get to it! (Exits) Cat Meow! That was a close shave, next year I’m going to be in Dick Whittington or Puss in Boots! Winnie (Offstage) Mephastophalee … get a move on will you! Cat Meow! (Exits) Dame Fluff (Entering) Yoo-hoo! I say yoo-hoo! (Exits) Gretel (Entering) Rupee, where are you? (Exits) Prince Rupert (Entering) I’m over here my sweet. (Exits) Gretel (Entering) Where? (Exits) Prince Rupert (Entering) Over here. (Exits) Winnie
Enter Dobbin. He gallops across the stage and exits. The Baron enters from one side as Dame Fluff appears on the other.
Baron Jasper Dame Fluff Baron Jasper Dame Fluff Baron Jasper Dame Fluff Baron Jasper Dame Fluff Baron Jasper
Ah, you again! We must stop meeting like this. I want my lolly! You naughty boy, you can’t have your lolly and eat it. What? All I know is that the Royal Mint has a hole in it. What? Do you mean to say everybody is out looking for it? I’m always on the lookout for it. Madam, I told you before, I’m not interested in anything you have to offer … now get out of my way; I’m on the trail of elusive supplies of lovely, lovely … Dame Fluff Yes? Baron Jasper Lolly! Dame Fluff Is that all you care about, lolly? 34
Baron Jasper Right at this moment, yes! Dame Fluff Oh Baron, not only have you broken my heart and ruined my entire life by breaking off our engagement … Baron Jasper What engagement? Dame Fluff You’ve also messed up my entire day! Baron Jasper Madam, I’m speechless! Dame Fluff Is there nothing I can do? Baron Jasper Just a minute, I’ve changed my mind. Dame Fluff Does the other one work any better? Baron Jasper No, no, no! Dame Fluff Whatever you do, don’t let it wander? Baron jasper What? Dame Fluff Your mind, it’s not strong enough to be let out on it’s own. Baron Jasper How dare you, I have a mind of my own and … Dame Fluff Of course you do … nobody else would want it. Baron Jasper I’ve just about had enough of you, I was going to make … Dame Fluff … an offer I couldn’t refuse? Baron Jasper Exactly! Dame Fluff Oh Baron, you saucy beast! Baron Jasper No, no not that sort of offer! You’re far too old for that sort of thing. Dame Fluff But … Baron Jasper With the amount of candles you’d need on your birthday cake, everybody would go down with sunstroke! I was going to say, why don’t we team up and look for the lolly together! What do you say? Dame Fluff Not a chance, if I get my hands on the lolly before you do then I’m going to keep the lot! Baron Jasper In that case madam, good day! The Baron exits in front of the Dame.
Dame Fluff
Well good day to you too!
Blowing a raspberry at the retreating Baron, she exits in the opposite direction. Enter Num and Skull.
Skull Num Skull Num Skull Num Skull Num Skull Num Skull Num Skull Num Skull Num Skull Num Skull Num Skull Num Skull
Which way did he go? I don’t know … (Pointing at Skull’s trousers) … eugh! What’s the matter with you? What’s green and slimy, has ninety-nine legs and vicious looking teeth? This is no time for jokes. OK. What do you mean … OK! I just thought you would like to know there’s one crawling up your leg, that’s all. What! (Skull beats his thigh profusely). Why didn’t you tell me? I tried to. You know what? What? I’m really disappointed in you. Nice of you to say so. How could you stand there and let that thing crawl up my leg, it’s given me the heebeejeebee’s. I’ll stand over here then. If we were both flowers I’d be a budding genius and you’d be a … (Interrupting) A what? A bloomin’ idiot! Are you implying that I’m some sort of an idiot? Yes! That’s all right then. I just can’t understand it, I’ve taught you everything I know, and you’re still ignorant. 35
Num Skull Num Skull Num Skull Num
Skull
If that’s the way you want it I can prove I’m not ignorant. I was afraid you were going to say that. There were three squaws … Three squaws? Yes, three squaws … female Native Americans! Oooh! There’s posh! Anyway there were once three squaws; one sat on leopard skin, one sat on doe skin and the third sat on hippopotamus skin. The squaw on the leopard skin had one son, the squaw on the doe skin had one son, but the squaw on the hippopotamus’s skin had two sons. Which all goes to prove that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaw on the other two hides. Whatever you’re taking to keep you stupid … it definitely works.
Enter Private Lollipop 1.
Lollipop 1 Skull Lollipop 1 Skull Lollipop 1 Skull Lollipop 1 Num Lollipop 1 Num Skull Lollipop 1 Skull Lollipop 1 Skull
Ah Sergeant, there you are. And about time too, where have you been. We went on a recce and got lost. Is that so, where are the rest of the squad? They’re hiding! Hiding … what for? Serge didn’t you know this is the haunted wood? Haunted wood? Where the ‘Bandersnatch’ lives. Ooo-er. Sergeant Skull, I don’t like the sound of that. There’s no such thing. Oh yes there is Private Plunkett’s read all about it and what’s more he’s got ‘slithy-toves’. Don’t be ridiculous, tell them to come out at once! Come out, come out wherever you are! This is not a game.
From various vantage points the chorus dressed as lollipop ladies/men appear. Lollipop 2 sniffs repeatedly throughout the scene.
Lollipop 2 Lollipop 3 Skull Lollipop 4 Skull Lollipop 4 Lollipop 2 Skull Lollipop 5 Lollipop 3
Is it all right to come out? Are you sure it’s safe, Sarge? Of course it is … now come over here and fall in. I already did, and it stinks. Come on, come on … get your skates on! I haven’t got any skates! It was all Plunkett’s fault; he put the wind up us. I’ll put more than the wind up you in a minute! Now get out here and stand in line. Sorry Sarge. It won’t happen again.
The squad stand in line.
Skull Omnes Skull Omnes Skull Num Skull Num Skull Num
Atten … wait for it … shun! At … ease! What do you look like? Don’t know, Sarge? A shower … a complete shower. What are you? A complete shower, Sarge. Just look at you … (They all look at each other). Atten … shun! (They quickly stand to attention). At … ease! I didn’t mean look at each other! Now, stand by … Stand by! For … For! Inspection. Inspection! 36
Skull
Must you repeat everything I say? (Num and Skull inspect the troops). The next time you wash your face, remember to wet the soap! Lollipop 1 Yes, Sarge. Skull I think when you were made in heaven, they made you upside down. Lollipop 2 Sorry, sir? Skull Yeah! Your nose runs, and your feet smell! Lollipop 2 Yes, Sarge. Sorry Sarge. Skull Oi, you two! Stand up straight when I’m talking to you. Lollipops 3 & 4 Yes, Sarge. Skull Chest out, shoulders back, big breaths! Lollipops 3 & 4 (Sweetly) Yes, Sarge … and we’re only sixteen! Skull The old ones are always the best! Enter Baron Jasper.
Baron Jasper Ah! Sergeant Lollipop … good to see you are keeping up the good work. Now then you lucky, lucky lollipop’s, I know I can count on you to do your best! We have a very important job to do, we must scour the countryside and leave no stone unturned. Omnes Yes, sir! Baron Jasper We are on a mission … a crusade! Omnes Yes, sir! Baron Jasper What is this mission? What is this crusade, I hear you ask. Well my trusty lollipop’s, we are looking for … yes, you’ve guessed it … Baron Jasper encourages the audience to shout.
Audience Lollipops! Baron Jasper Lovely, lovely lollipops! I know you will do your best, and don’t forget … your Baron needs you! Carry on, Sergeant. Skull Yes, sir! You heard the Baron! About turn, shoulder lollipops, by the right, quick march! Left, right, left, right, left … As they exit, Lollipop 4 leads the American army style marching rhyme.
Lollipop 4 Omnes Lollipop 4 Omnes Lollipop 4 Omnes Lollipop 4 Omnes
(Singing) We are looking under rocks.
We are looking under rocks. In the search of lollipops. In the search of lollipops. Sound off! One, two. Sound off! Three, four, one, two, three, four, one, two … (shouting) three, four!
Enter the Fairy.
Fairy
Something’s amiss, I know not what, But I do fancy a lolly an awful lot.
Enter Alice.
Alice Fairy Alice Fairy Alice
Fairy Alice
Excuse me … oh! (Seeing the Fairy). Hello, I didn’t see you, is something wrong? Do tell me, but hurry, don’t take too long. I suppose, as I am having such an extraordinary day, I shouldn’t be surprised at all. Surprised? I hardly know what to say, If I’m not mistaken, you’ve lost your way. That is very astute … but then, if you are a real fairy, which I have no reason to doubt, I wouldn’t expect anything else. I was following the White Rabbit you see, but I lost him, then I found him and now I’ve lost him again. It’s all very tiresome. I don’t suppose … No my dear, I have not seen him of late, Was he running for a very important date? Indeed he was. Oh bother … I’m quite sure I will never catch up with him. 37
Fairy Alice
Fairy Alice
Well, if it’s meant, it won’t pass you by, I don’t suppose you’ve a lolly I could try. No I’m afraid not … all I have is this. (Alice holds up a bottle). You are very welcome to try it if you wish, but I would be very careful not to drink too much. The Mad Hatter gave it to me and in my recent experience, things aren’t always as they seem; especially as it says on this side … (Reading) “Just pick me up and wash me down!” but on this side it says “Just wash me down then pick me up!” I’m definitely not feeling quite as I ought, This tonic will help, I would have thought. Be very careful from which side you drink, One side you may grow, and the other shrink. Oh dear, I think I’m coming down with rhyming flu, How very tiresome, now what am I going to do?
The Fairy examines the bottle and gingerly drinks.
Fairy
Alice
The mists are clearing, I’m beginning to see, Ah yes! Now I know what happened to me. This bottle is full vision, wisdom and learning, That lolly was the cause of all my yearning. This is the work of a skilled warlock or witch, Somebody who can cast spells without a hitch. There is only one person who could deal such a blow, It must be Winnie the Witch, as if I didn’t know. Her evil side is out of the bottle, I’m sure of that, Everything points to her, and her spiteful evil cat. Oh dear, that sounds serious I would like to help …
The White Rabbit hurriedly enters. He keeps looking at his watch as he crosses the stage.
White Rabbit I’m late! I’m late! For a very important date, No time to say hello, goodbye. I’m late, I’m late, I’m late. (Exits) Alice It’s the White Rabbit! I’m sorry, but I must depart, If I’m not careful, I’ll be right back at the start! (Exits) Fairy The evil must be contained, to do any good, So I must away to her house deep in the wood. (Exits) With his nose still in the air, Hansel enters.
Hansel
Hello everybody; I’m really fed up. I’ve been following my nose for ages and I still haven’t found anything yet.
Enter Gretel.
Gretel Hansel Gretel Hansel Gretel Hansel
Well, you’ve found me! Oh hello, Sis; I don’t suppose you have a lolly I could have do you? What a strange thing to say. Ever since that old bag gave … (Interrupting) What old bag? … gave me a lolly I’ve got this terrible craving for another one.
Enter Dame Fluff.
Dame Fluff
Ah! There you are, I’ve been looking everywhere for you.
Enter Prince Rupert.
Prince Rupert Gretel Dame Fluff Hansel Dame Fluff
And so have I. Rupee! Now come along, cough up! What do you mean? I need one of those lollies just as much as you do, so cough up, I know you’ve got one hidden somewhere!
Dame Fluff chases Hansel who protests loudly.
38
Hansel Dame Fluff Hansel Dame Fluff Gretel Prince Rupert Dame Fluff Gretel
But mum, I told you I haven’t got any! Oh yes you have, now give me one or … (Interrupting) Or what? … or you’ll be sorry! Hey mum, look over there, I can see a cottage. Oh yes, so there is. Where? In a clearing through there.
Gretel points towards the Gingerbread House through the bushes.
Dame Fluff Hansel
Oh, you clever girl … perhaps they’ve got a secret stash of lollies. Come on, what are we waiting for?
Scene 3 (Outside the Gingerbread House) Dame Fluff and Hansel remove the bushes hiding the transformed cottage from one side and Gretel and Prince Rupert remove the other side.
Hansel Dame Fluff Gretel Dame Fluff Gretel Dame Fluff
(Astonished) Hey mum, look at that!
Look at it! I’m going to do more than look at it … I’m going to slobber all over it! Mum, you can’t! Just try and stop me. Come along Hansel, in for a penny, in for a pound! But … Up and at ‘em!
Dame Fluff and Hansel start eating the Gingerbread House.
Gretel Prince Rupert Dame Fluff Prince Rupert
Oh well … if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em! I’m not sure you should be … Don’t be such a stuffed shirt … here have some, it’s delicious! Well …
Enter Santa Claus.
Santa Claus Dame Fluff Santa Claus Dame Fluff Gretel Hansel Gretel Hansel Gretel Hansel Gretel Santa Claus Dame Fluff Santa Claus Dame Fluff Santa Claus Dame Fluff Santa Claus Dame Fluff Santa Claus Dame Fluff Santa Claus Dame Fluff Santa Claus
Ho! Ho! Ho! Hello everybody, Merry Christmas! Hello! Ooh! You look familiar … haven’t I seen you somewhere before? Ho! Ho! Ho! Don’t you remember who I am? Well … It’s Father … … Christmas! Hey I was going to say that, you always spoil everything! Don’t! Oh yes you do! Don’t! Don’t! Don’t! Do! Do! Do! Ho! Ho! Ho! Now, now, now children! If you keep squabbling, Santa won’t be coming down your chimney this Christmas. You’ll have a job. Pardon? That meanie old Baron blocked it up. Where there is a will there is a way. (Tapping the side of his nose). What are you doing here anyway? I’m just returning from my summer holiday. Your summer holiday! … You’ve left it a bit late haven’t you? I agree … I was planning to catch the train to the North Pole. Big mistake! It certainly was … South West Trains (or local train company) … have cancelled ‘The North Pole Express’ until further notice. 39
Dame Fluff Santa Claus Dame Fluff Gretel
Why am I not surprised? Now I have to get back there as quickly as I can, otherwise all the boys and girls won’t be getting any presents this year. Oh dear, we can’t have that now, can we? I know it’s not a mince pie, but would you like a piece of this?
Gretel breaks off a piece of the house and gives it to Father Christmas.
Santa Claus
Ho! Ho! Ho! Don’t mind if I do.
The door opens and Winnie enters.
Winnie
Ah-ha!
They all jump out of their skin.
Dame Fluff Ah! Winnie And what little birdies have we here? Gretel We only had a nibble. Prince Rupert I did say they shouldn’t help themselves. Hansel If you ask me, people shouldn’t go about making houses out of sweets, unless they want them to be eaten! Dame Fluff Hansel! Winnie No, no that’s quite all right, besides he does have a point. Now go along inside and we’ll have a nice cup of tea. Dame Fluff That’s very kind, don’t mind if I do! Dame Fluff enters the cottage.
Prince Rupert Jolly decent of you but I really should be … Winnie (Using her magical powers) I won’t take no for an answer, now go inside! She fixes him with a stare; transfixed Prince Rupert enters the cottage.
Prince Rupert Gretel Hansel Winnie Hansel Santa Claus Winnie Santa Claus Winnie Santa Claus
Of course … what was I thinking? Hey, Rupee … wait for me. ‘Ere missus, got any cakes? Oodles and oodles, my dear. A Popoff never stands on ceremony; out of my way! If you don’t mind I really should be … I won’t hear of it besides you’ll make a jolly good starter. A what? I said, ‘a stocking filler’. Ho! Ho! Ho! Yes, I suppose I do.
Winnie bustles Father Christmas into the cottage. Enter the lollipop army.
Skull Left, left, left, right, left! Left, left, left, right, left! Left, left, left, right, left! Baron Jasper Halt! Sergeant Skull halts abruptly and the army crashes into him.
Skull Num
(Turning to Num) You idiot! (Turning to Lollipop 1) You idiot!
This continues down the line with the last ‘Private Lollipop’ shouting at an imaginary idiot.
Baron Jasper Num Baron Jasper Num Baron Jasper Skull Baron Jasper Omnes
At last! We’ve hit the jackpot! Have we? Look and behold! (To Skull) If you ask me he’s definitely gone nuts! (Excited) Our quest is over; we’ve found it, Sergeant Lollipop! (Knowingly) Ah! (Confused) What exactly have we found, sir? Eldorado! The Promised Land! A cottage made from sweets and, and … Yes? 40
Baron Jasper Skull Baron Jasper Skull Num Omnes Baron Jasper Skull Num Omnes Baron Jasper Skull Num Omnes Baron Jasper
Lollies! (Dubiously) If you say so, sir.
Right! Right! Right! Right! Prepare to dismantle the lolly cottage! Prepare to dismantle the lolly cottage! Prepare to dismantle the lolly cottage! Prepare to dismantle the lolly cottage! Shut-up! Shut-up! Shut-up! Shut-up! Charge!
Scene 4 (Inside the Gingerbread House) They all rush forward and swing the two sides of the cottage open to reveal Hansel, Gretel, Prince Rupert and Father Christmas locked up behind bars in a cage. Winnie and the Cat are discovered trying to put Dame Fluff’s head into the fire, they all look round.
Dame Fluff Argh! Help! Help! Baron Jasper, my super-hero! Baron Jasper You again! Startled by the intrusion, but quickly regaining their composure, Hansel, Gretel, Prince Rupert and Father Christmas immediately shout “Help!”, “Get us out of here” etc.
Winnie Baron Jasper Cat Baron Jasper Cat Winnie
Be quiet all of you! How dare you speak to me like that; who do you think you are? I’d be very careful if I were you. Good heavens a talking cat! Cool isn’t it? By all the power’s at my command, A hurricane wind is what I demand. Be gone you meddlesome milit’ry crew … At first nothing happens; impatiently Winnie coughs, then …
Er … Mr Tornado, that was your cue. The sound of a great wind is heard. Baron Jasper and the Lollipop army are blown off stage.
Dame Fluff Winnie Hansel Cat Winnie Hansel Winnie Gretel Cat Dame Fluff Santa Claus Gretel Cat Winnie Cat Winnie Cat
Now where were we? Ah yes, you were about to see if the oven was hot enough to bake some bread. Oo-er out of the frying pan into the fire! Exactly! Mum! Get us out of here! (Maliciously) Don’t worry boy, you’ll be out of there in no time! Oh yes, once we’ve fattened you up a bit, I promise you’ll be the first. Fattened me up? Yes, fattened you up; now hold out your finger so I can tell how podgy you are. Don’t do it Hansel. I wouldn’t pay any attention to her if I were you. Hansel, listen to your sister, don’t do it. (Holding out a thin stick of rock) Would this be of any use? Hansel, quick! Hold this! But they’re chea… Enough! Otherwise you’re for the chop too! But … When I want your advice, I’ll ask for it! Please yourself! 41
Hansel puts the stick of rock between the bars. As her sight is impaired, Winnie examines it with some difficulty.
Winnie Dame Fluff Winnie Dame Fluff Winnie Dame Fluff Winnie Dame Fluff Winnie Dame Fluff
What a scrawny bag of bones you are. Well done Hansel, you can’t keep a good Popoff down! Maybe not, but in the meantime I think you will do very nicely. Who me? Yes you! Now get in that oven! Never! What do you mean, never? Not without stuffing first! Stuffing? Yeah, get stuffed, you ugly green carbuncle! (In a rage Winnie and the Cat fly at Dame Fluff). Ooops, that’s torn it! Help! Somebody help!
Winnie and the Cat chase Dame Fluff around the kitchen. Hansel, Gretel, Prince Rupert and Father Christmas encourage Dame Fluff to escape. “Look out mum, she’s behind you!”, “You can do it!”, “Give her a push!”, “Make a run for it!” etc. There is a fairy flash stage right and the Fairy enters.
Fairy Winnie
So I was right and only just in time, Stop! You’re about to commit a crime. A fairy! Go on make my day!
There is a flash stage left and the Demon enters
Demon Winnie Baron Jasper Winnie Baron Jasper Winnie
Ha! Ha! Ha! A bad penny always turns up sooner or later; any more for any more? Yes me! Madam, I demand a lolly! Ten out of ten for persistence! If you think I can be put off by a little puff of wind then you can think again! (Maliciously) No, you think again … all of you!
From a distance Winnie gives the Baron an imaginary slap to the face - first one way, then the other. This is followed by a punch to the stomach and finally an uppercut. The Baron lands in a heap on the floor.
Fairy
Winnie don’t there’s always another way.
The Fairy points her wand at Winnie who, as a counter, holds up her hands in defence.
Demon
Quiet! Now it’s my turn to have a say.
The Demon casts a spell over Winnie and the Fairy.
Winnie
You stupid incompetent red buffoon …
Winnie counters by keeping the Fairy at bay with one hand, and the Demon with the other.
Demon Fairy Demon
Don’t count your chickens too soon … Demon, it’s Christmas time; you’ll never win … Oh, wont I? This will put your head in a spin.
The Demon hurls a spell at the Fairy which effectively knocks her out. Seeing an advantage Winnie takes control.
Winnie
Ha! Give this devil chronic pains and indigestion, You pitiful worm, you should pay more attention. And as for this Fairy, wither her wings, Cover her all over with hornet stings. Ha! Ha! (Turning on Dame Fluff). And now for you …
The sound of coconuts are heard off, Dobbin enters and knocks Winnie for six!
Prince Rupert Dobbin! Dame Fluff Saved by the cavalry! Fairy (Recovering) Winnie, your evil side is much to blame, Return to this bottle and then unto flame. Winnie’s wicked side shrieks as her evil spirit departs her body and is returned to the bottle.
42
Quick destroy this evil in a funeral pyre, Demon you are used to heat and fire. Extinguish with flame this wicked coven, Put the bottle in the middle of the oven. The Demon triumphantly places the bottle in the flames; the oven is immersed in green smoke accompanied by the sound of the evil spirit expiring
Demon
I’m glad to see the back of that evil old witch, She gave me aches and pains and even a stitch.
The Fairy’s phone rings, she answers it.
Fairy
Yes, yes my Queen I told you not to worry, She says you must repent, and say you’re sorry.
Reluctantly the Demon takes the phone.
Demon
(Very repentant) I’m very, very sorry as the cause of this trouble, (With malice) But there’s always next year to burst your bubble.
Exit the Demon laughing and screaming. Hansel, Gretel, Prince Rupert and Father Christmas let themselves out from behind the bars.
Winnie Dame Fluff Winnie Cat Winnie Fairy Baron Jasper Fairy Baron Jasper Fairy Baron Jasper Dame Fluff Prince Rupert Gretel Hansel Fairy Cat
What happened … and what are you all doing here? Well … Oh never mind that now, you can tell me later over tea … we haven’t much, but what we do have you are welcome to share. Meow! Tibbles! Really! We’ve got guests! Our story is ending and nearly complete. But first … Baron, there’s somebody here that you should meet. Who? Dame Fluff … (Interrupting) I’ve met her! … is the answer to your dreams What? (The Fairy waves her wand). I have no choice or so it seems. Baron, I thought you would never ask … I do! And so do I, that is if you will have me of course. Oh, Rupee … I do! I do! I do! I’m going to be sick! There is really only one thing left to do … What’s tha… (Quickly realising her error, then sheepishly). Meow!
The cast look at the cat suspiciously.
Omnes Fairy
What’s that? The treasury must be returned from whence it flew. (The Fairy waves her magic wand; there is a whooshing sound, a bright golden light appears in the wings on one side of the stage, followed by a crash of trinkets as the treasure returns. The cast (except the Fairy) look at each other, then rush offstage to try and get some of the treasure, elbowing each other out the way as they go).
Now our story is really quite complete, Everything’s been resolved nice and neat. Evil has been defeated, which is only right, So Merry Christmas to all… farewell, and goodnight! Fade to black.
MUSIC #9 -‘MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY’ (SLADE) Walkdown and curtain calls.
MUSIC #10 - PLAYOUT
THE END. 43