Written by Tom Bright for UK Productions Ltd
Sleeping Beauty by Tom Bright © 2002 UK Productions Ltd. All Rights Reserved This e-script may not be copied or transcribed by any means electronic, optical or mechanical without the prior permission of the copyright owner or his agent. Photocopying this script without a suitable license is strictly prohibited. This play is a work of fiction. Names and characters are the product of the author’s imagination and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. ‘Sleeping Beauty’ by Tom Bright is fully protected under the international laws of copyright which are enacted in the UK as the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. The right of UK Productions Ltd to be identified as the owner of the work has been asserted by them in accordance with the above Act. While every precaution has been taken in the preparation of this play, the publisher assumes no responsibility for errors or omissions, or for damages resulting from the use of the material contained herein.
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SE-0178
(Rev A)
Introduction A very popular pantomime and fairy tale with strong parts for women. It's also probably one of the longest in the sense that it finishes one hundred and eighteen years after it starts! The pantomime tells the traditional story of the Sleeping Beauty … the only daughter born to a King and Queen is put to sleep for a hundred years by an evil witch (a black fairy). Only a Prince can wake her after fighting his way through the briars and thorns that surround her, and only a kiss from the Prince will break the spell. In our case the story is complemented with the addition of Nanny (the dame who is very protective of the Princess Beauty, and is desperately seeking a husband) and Pickles (the rather dim-but-nice King’s Page). The Minstrel is a bit aloof, and is gently pursued by Nanny. Carabosse, the Black Fairy is the villain and is a lovely part for an actress to play.
Characters (6m, 6f, 2m/f, 1m/f child) Principals (4m, 4f, 1 m/f) Nanny Cranny (m) : the dame – 136 lines, 2 sing-a-long songs Pickles (m) : a page – 83 lines – 1 sing-a-long song The Minstrel (m) : an entertainer to the Court - 56 lines, 1 solo song Carabosse (f) : the Black Fairy – 55 lines, 2 solo songs The King of Arcadia (m) – 54 lines The Princess Beauty (f) – 53 lines, 1 solo & 1 duet Prince Michael of Monrovia (m/f) : discovers, wakes and marries Beauty – 53 lines, 1 solo & 1 duet The Queen of Arcadia (f) – 43 lines The Lilac Fairy (f) : a helpful fairy – 32 lines Support (2m, 2f, 1 m/f, 1m/f child) Huntsman (m) – 3 lines Postman (m/f) – 2 lines The Gold Fairy (f) – 1 line The Silver Fairy (f) – 1 line The Black Knight (m) : non-speaking The Stork (m/f) : a small child dressed as a stork who ‘delivers’ the baby Beauty, non-speaking. Chorus/Dancers Courtiers, Huntsmen and Ladies, Royal Guards, Toys, Pages, Toys, Carabosse’s Evil Guards
Lighting, Sound & Pyrotechnic Effects
The script is marked at the places where sound effects should be used, by using the abbreviation ‘SFX’. The BBC Sound Effects library of CD’s should provide all the necessary effects. Pyrotechnic effects are marked either FX:Flash, or FX:Smoke Certain lighting effects that are required are marked as ‘LX’ in the script. Any other lighting effects are left to the discretion of the Director. For basic guidance … o All comedy must be brightly lit o Songs have more moody states than dialogue (minimum is bright at the front, dim at the back) o Always end a song with either a blackout or full up.
Scenes Act 1 Prologue Scene 1 Scene 2 Scene 3 Scene 4 Scene 5 Scene 6 Scene 7 Scene 8 Scene 9
Front of Tabs Outside the Palace (Set) The Realms Of Fairyland (US Cloth) The Throne Room (Set) A Palace Corridor (DS Cloth) The Nursery (Set) The Music Room (Cloth) The Topmost Turret (Set) A Palace Corridor (Cloth) The Palace Ballroom (Set)
Act 2 Prologue Scene 1 Scene 2 Scene 3 Scene 4 Scene 5 Scene 6 Scene 7 Scene 8 Scene 9
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Front of Tabs The Forest (Set) The Gates of the Palace (Cloth) The Cobwebbed Court (Set) A Palace Corridor (Cloth) The Garden Party (Set) The Music Room (Cloth) The Topmost Turret (Set) A Palace Corridor (Cloth) The Wedding Walkdown (Set)
Musical Items 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32
Overture (non-specific) Bright Opening Number (non-specific, modern pop or traditional) ‘Rock Around The Clock’ The Fairies Ballet (non-specific) Underscore for Fairy Speeches (non-specific) A Fast Lively Entrance (non-specific) ‘On My Own’ (from ‘Les Miserables) ‘Happy Birthday’ (trad) A Toy Ballet (non-specific) Dramatic Exit Music (non-specific) Crescendo Playoff (non-specific) Happiness Themed Pop Song (non-specific) Dramatic Music Underscore (non-specific) Dramatic Finish (non-specific) Interval Playout (non-specific) Entr’acte (non-specific) ‘A Brand New Day’ (from ‘The Wiz) Playoff (non-specific) Fight Music (non-specific) ‘Somewhere Out There’ (from Disney’s ‘An American Tale’) ‘If You’re Happy And You Know It’ Playoff (non-specific) ‘To Life’ (from ‘Fiddler On The Roof) ‘Not While I’m Around’ (from ‘Sweeney Todd’) Playoff (non-specific) ‘Trouble’ (Elvis Presley; Lieber/Stoller) Fight Music (non-specific) Spell Music (non-specific) Fanfare Playoff (non-specific) How Much Is That Doggie In The Window?’ ‘The Best Of Times’ (orig: Perry Como, now ‘La Cage Aux Folles’) Playout (non-specific)
Instrumental Chorus of Courtiers, Pages & Guards The Minstrel Instrumental Instrumental Instrumental Beauty Nanny (for the Birthdays Routine) Instrumental Instrumental Instrumental Carabosse Instrumental Instrumental Instrumental Instrumental Chorus of Huntsmen & Ladies Instrumental Instrumental Beauty & Prince Nanny (for the Sweets routine) Instrumental Instrumental Prince Instrumental Carabosse Instrumental Instrumental Instrumental Pickles (for the Community Singing routine) Company Instrumental
Tom Bright Tom Bright has been a writer of pantomimes, music, and TV and radio shows for over thirty years. He worked with UK Productions Ltd for a number of years as the writer of many of their pantomimes performed across Britain, and has also been their Executive Stage Director. Tom is an all-round entertainer, having enjoyed the crazy world of show business for many many years. His first national success came not on stage, but as a song writer … Tom wrote and performed the ‘Tiswas’ song and from there went on to write many television and film themes, but his real love is the stage. However, when asked to star in a sixteen-week television series with Mike Reid (Frank Butcher in Eastenders), he jumped at the chance. While still learning his trade in television, Tom received a phone call asking him to join Russ Abbot, and spent six very happy years at the BBC. When he left the BBC, he was to receive yet another telephone call, at this time not knowing that it was to be the most exciting part of his working life. Blackpool's own radio station ‘The Wave’ asked if he would like to present a Sunday peak time show of his own. As he had never worked in radio before he thought, “why not”. But the moment that was to change his life happened out of the blue when he was awarded the ‘Best Newcomer’ radio ‘Oscar’ at the 1993 Sony Awards, and this all happened in his first year of Radio broadcasting! He has performed all his life in Panto's playing roles such as Tommy Tucker, Smee from Peter Pan, Baron Hardup, Dame Trot, three times Fanny the Ugly sister, and Fanny the cook. "Panto time is just a perk of the job" says Tom.His latest adventure is ‘Legends’ (a Blackpool-based musical tribute show) where he has been the comedy compère since 2004. His stand-up act has spanned many years from the early club days to TV, Theatre, Corporate and Major Venues around the world.
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ACT ONE MUSIC #1 – OVERTURE Prologue SFX: A tinkling sound. Enter the Minstrel in front of the house tabs (or the front cloth).
Minstrel
Many years ago, in the land of Arcadia, there lived a King and Queen. Both were good, but they had no heir to the throne, nor a Princess who could bear the family name through future years. They were unhappy and shed so many tears. Each night they would pray for a son or daughter … a baby of their very own … And now to set the scene, You’ll see the King and Queen, As they ride out on a summer morning, See where the day is already dawning …
He turns to present the opening of the tabs/cloth as he exits.
Scene 1 (Outside the Palace of Arcadia) A chorus of Courtiers, Pages and Palace Guards are discovered.
MUSIC #2 – BRIGHT OPENING NUMBER Enter the Minstrel. SFX: A Royal Fanfare is heard. Entering in procession are King, Queen, Nanny, Pickles, courtiers and pages.
Minstrel
The King and Queen were riding out, When the King saw a sight that made him shout.
Enter the Stork carrying the Baby Beauty (a doll) hanging from a sling in its beak.
King Pickles Nanny Queen King Pickles Queen
What’s that? Well, it’s either a North African water buffalo, or a Tasmanian Jip Jip bird. Take no notice of him … it’s a stork. A stork? A stork? … You know what that means don’t you. Yes, we’re having massive eggs for breakfast! It means only one thing … (She takes the baby from the Stork) A child … a child of our own! (Everyone cheers). Isn’t she adorable.
Exit the Stork.
King Nanny Pickles Nanny Queen
She’s the most adorable baby I’ve ever seen. You didn’t see me when I was born! I heard that when you were born, everyone slapped the midwife! Cheek. Look, Nanny … tell me what you think.
The Queen shows the baby to Nanny.
Nanny Queen Nanny Queen King
I think she is the most adorable … pretty … scrumptious … little beauty I have ever seen. That’s it! That’s what we shall call her. What, Scrumptious? No; Beauty! Our child shall be known as The Princess Beauty. (Everyone cheers). But first, she must be christened. Indeed! Pickles … 1
Pickles King Pickles Queen Pickles King
Yes, your magistrate. Arrange my daughter’s christening at once … and make sure that everyone in Arcadia is invited. Leave it to me, squire … I mean, Sire. For even the daughter of a King and Queen needs as many fairy godmothers as she can get. No probs, Ma’am … consider them invited. Come my dear, there are many preparations to be made.
SFX: A Royal Fanfare is heard. The King, the Queen and the courtiers exit.
Nanny Pickles Nanny Pickles Nanny Pickles Nanny Pickles Nanny Pickles Nanny
Minstrel Nanny Minstrel Nanny Minstrel Nanny Minstrel Nanny Minstrel Nanny Minstrel Nanny Minstrel Nanny Minstrel Nanny Minstrel Nanny
I’ll give you a hand with the invitations if you like … I’m very good at handling the mail. I’m sure you are. It’s because I get so many love letters. (Laughing uncontrollably) Love letters! The nearest thing you get to a love letter is a letter from the bank. Don’t be cheeky. You must admit, I don’t look my age … I mean, I don’t look forty, do I. No you don’t … but I bet you did when you were forty! I’ll have you know I have an hourglass figure! Yes, but all the sand’s run out! What!! I’m only joking with you … (He starts to walk off). I must go because I’ve got enormous obligations. I can see that by the way you’re walking. (Exit Pickles). He’s a cheeky lad that Pickles! Now, let me introduce myself. I’m Nanny. So, when I say “Hello boys and girls”, I want you to shout “Hello Nanny!”. (She does this a couple of time to get a reaction). Now we’ll try it with the big boys and girls; the ones with muscles and moustaches … then we’ll try the men! … Right, come on then big boys and girls … “Hello etc”. (She again does this a couple of time to get a reaction). Come on little boys and girls, we can do better than that, can’t we! “Hello etc”. (She again does this a couple of times). Well, now that I’ve got to know you … (Insert a dedications session here). Well, it’s been lovely to meet everyone because it’s a lonely life being a nanny … looking after everyone else’s children … I didn’t have any of my own … (She milks an ‘Ahhh’ from the audience) … but it’s never too late, is it? Mr Right may still come along. (Enter the Minstrel). And here he is now … (Leslie Phillips voice). Hell-oo-oo-oo! Hello, Madam. What a lovely voice … I do believe you haven’t had the pleasure of me yet. Er, no. It could be arranged … I’m Nanny. Pleased to meet you. You will be … and you are? Just a wandering minstrel. What is it you’re wondering? Wandering! Oh, silly, billy, willy me! Did I hear you say ‘Minstrel’? That’s right, my family are minstrels. I love Minstrels, even better than Smarties! No, Ma’am … I’m a singing minstrel. You’re having me on … you mean like Tom Jones? That’s right. Like Ronan Keating? Yes. Like Noel Gallagher? 2
Minstrel Nanny
No, a singing minstrel. Well, I don’t suppose there’s any point in you being a singing minstrel if you’re not going to sing, is there? I’ll introduce you to the boys and girls … Boys and girls, the singing minstrel … and my future husband if he plays his cards right … Take it away …
Exit Nanny. The Minstrel now sings. The music is completely out of context with his character.
MUSIC #3 – ‘ROCK AROUND THE CLOCK’ The song is sung for about 90 seconds, at which point the music changes to an old English flute and mandolin style, to which he sings … Minstrel
Oh, England is mine. [or suitable words to fit the music]
Enter Nanny as he takes a bow.
Nanny Audience Nanny
Minstrel Nanny
That sounded nice! (To the audience). Was he good? Yes! Good, good … (To the Minstrel) Well, come on … we’ve got a christening to go to and I think you’ve worked hard enough. I think you should have a lie down while I massage your throat. I shall be along soon, Nanny. Fair enough! (Nanny goes to exit. The band strikes up a playoff of ‘Rock Around The Clock’. Nanny stops and turns round wondering why the band is playing that tune, at which point the band instantly switches to the old English music. Exit Nanny. The band switches back to ‘Rock Around The Clock’. Enter Nanny. The band instantly switches back to the old English tune. Enter Nanny).
There’s something funny going on here … and it’s not in the script! Exit Nanny.
Scene Two : The Realms Of Fairyland MUSIC #4 – THE FAIRIES BALLET The three fairies (Silver, Gold and Lilac) enter and dance a ballet, at the end of which they exit. The Minstrel steps forward.
Minstrel
Meanwhile in Arcadia the day of the christening has dawned … but if you think this great day of rejoicing seems a perfect time, beware! For in the way lurks great danger. For, one thing I promise you … no-one knows this story like I do.
Exit the Minstrel. Blackout.
Scene Three – The Christening In The Throne Room The King, the Queen, Nanny and the Courtiers and Pages are gathered around Beauty’s cradle. Enter the Courtiers with trumpets which they proceed to blow. SFX: a trumpet fanfare is heard.
Nanny All Nanny King Queen Nanny All Nanny
Shurrup! You’ll have her waking up! Ssshhhh! Sorry. Welcome one and all on this happiest day in the history of Arcadia … For today we celebrate the christening of our dearest daughter, the Princess Beauty. (Shouting) Hurrraaayyyy … Ssshhhh! Sorry.
Enter Pickles.
Pickles King Pickles King
Your Majesticals … great news! What is this news? David Beckham’s coming to join (local football team). Really? 3
Pickles Queen King Pickles
No, only kidding … the Fairy Godmothers have arrived. The gifts they bring will ensure our Beauty’s future. Then bid them enter. (He moves to the side of the stage where the fairies are waiting to enter) Right you lot … in you come. (The three fairies enter). Please welcome, the Princess Beauty’s Godmothers.
The fairies approach Beauty.
MUSIC #5 – UNDERSCORE FOR FAIRY SPEECHES Silver Fairy The Silver fairy brings beauty and grace, The Princess will always be fair of face. (She waves her wand over the cradle). Gold Fairy The Gold fairy brings sweet nature to this child, Beauty will always be good tempered, meek and mild. (She waves her wand over the cradle). Lilac Fairy To Princess Beauty I now bring … SFX: The sound of distant thunder is heard. LX: The lights flicker briefly. The courtiers and pages mutter to each other.
King Lilac Fairy
Pray continue, Lilac Fairy. To Princess Beauty I now bring …
SFX: The sound of distant thunder is heard again. LX: The lights flicker briefly.
Queen King
What’s happening? There must be a storm on the way … I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about.
SFX: The sound of distant thunder is heard again. LX: The lights flicker briefly. FX: Flash. Enter Carabosse in a chariot drawn by two guards. Nanny takes the baby from the cradle and the fairies move to protect the baby.
Carabosse
Queen King Nanny
Nothing to worry about? … Well, we’ll see; You’ll rue the day you forgot about me. (To audience) And you’ll soon regret the time, You came to see this stupid pantomime. Jeer all you like, you can boo for hours, You can’t hurt me, I’ve got magic powers. Who is this horrible creature? I’ve no idea! It’s not XXX is it? (Replace XXX with the name of a tarnished, dreadful or tawdry female celebrity; eg Amy Winehouse, Janet Street Porter, Christine Hamilton, Esther Rantzen etc)
Carabosse
Nanny Carabosse Nanny Lilac Fairy
Carabosse
King
Silence you mortals, or I’ll strike you dumb, For this christening I have come. Because I’m a fairy (she now indicates the other fairies) like these simpering sprites. I wasn’t invited, and I know my rights. You don’t look like a fairy … And you don’t look like a nanny, so button it! I’ll have you know my father was a boxer! (Carabosse moves to be face to face with her. Nanny now speaks meekly). And my mother was an Alsatian. She is of fairy birth … Carabosse her name, But to all her fairy sisters, she only brings us shame. For she has turned from goodness and light, To the powers of darkness … black as night. Who cares what you think, Lilac Fairy? My magic’s strong, you’d best be wary. Unless I receive an explanation, Of what happened to my invitation! I have no idea what happened … the invitations were the responsibility of Pickles.
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Pickles
King Pickles Queen Pickles Carabosse
I wrote everyone an invitation personally; I put them all in my pocket and posted them. Look, my pocket is emp… (He turns his pocket inside out and an invitation letter falls out with ‘Carabosse’ written on it) … apart from that one. What have you done, Pickles? As we say in the trade, Sire … dropped a right clanger! How could you, Pickles! I feel really bad about it. Don’t worry, you’ll soon feel worse. For my gift to Beauty will be … a curse!
SFX: Thunder is heard.
King Pickles Queen Nanny Carabosse
Nanny Carabosse
Pickles, do something! I think I already have. You can’t do this to our beautiful baby. You try and you’ll regret it. Silence! … I swear on my heart which is cruel and cold, That the Princess Beauty will never grow old. While still a child she’ll earn to spin, Then prick her finger on a pin. And then your daughter will quickly die, And now (to the audience) you lot be quiet, while I prophesy, That evil will always win the day, And I’ll always do evil, ‘cos that’s my way! Ha, ha, ha! It’s all a bit much over an invitation, isn’t it? I told you, silence!
SFX: A thundercrash is heard. All react with fear. Carabosse and the guards exit.
Queen King Lilac Fairy Queen Lilac Fairy Queen Lilac Fairy King Lilac Fairy Queen Pickles Nanny Pickles Lilac Fairy
We must do something to save our baby. What can we do … Carabosse has magic powers. And so have I … and my gift to you is help. Can you really help us? I’m afraid I cannot entirely lift your load, but I can make you a promise that Beauty will not die. She won’t be hurt will she? No, but she will sleep for a hundred years. Our Beauty … sleep for a hundred years? That’s impossible. I’m sorry, that’s the best I can do … but a Prince will arrive one day and with a magic kiss, will awaken her. A hundred years … a Prince … whatever next? Probably have to climb a beanstalk to rescue her. Wrong pantomime. Sorry. To the realms of fairyland, I must now wend my way, But I’ll always be back, on Beauty’s birthday.
The three fairies exit.
Pickles King Pickles Nanny Pickles Nanny
That wasn’t much of a present … sending Beauty to sleep for a hundred years! If it hadn’t been for your incompetence our baby wouldn’t be in this danger. I’m sorry, everyone. I go down on one knee and say sorry. (He does so). I go down on two knees and say sorry. (He does so). Nanny? Yes? Lend me one of your knees so I can go down on three … Get up, stupid. 5
Pickles Nanny Pickles King Pickles
I do … every morning! What? Get up, stupid. Stop prattling! Nanny, take Beauty to the nursery and keep her safe. I didn’t know she owned a safe!
Nanny takes the baby and exits.
King Pickles Queen Pickles King Pickles Queen King
Issue a proclamation throughout the land … every spinning wheel must be destroyed. He’s not as daft as he looks! Pickles, there’s not a moment to lose! Woo-hoo, babe … chill out y’all … I’m going to sort it, I’m going to get it sorted … I’m going to … (Interrupting) Pickles! I’m going to go! (He exits). My dear husband, I’m so frightened for our little Beauty … she’s so small and helpless. I shall do everything in my power to protect her.
SFX: A fanfare is heard. The King and Queen and attendants exit. LX: Fade to black.
Scene Four – A Corridor at the Palace Enter the Minstrel.
Minstrel
Doesn’t time fly! Since I saw you last, eighteen years have gone by. Beauty’s quite a girl now, but still she must be aware of the black fairy’s curse. I’ve a nasty feeling things’ll get worse.
Enter Nanny, singing ‘Hit Me Baby One More Time’ by Britney Spears
Nanny Minstrel Nanny Minstrel Nanny Minstrel
Ooh, look … it’s Tom Jones … (Leslie Philips voice). Hellooooo! Hello. I haven’t seen you for years … eighteen in fact. Do you think I look the same? Yes, I do. Oh, thank you! You looked this old last time I saw you.
Exit the Minstrel.
Nanny
Beauty
He can’t resist me! Well, let me tell you what’s happened … Beauty has grown up, and what a girl she is … oh yes … it’s her birthday tomorrow and there’s going to be a do … Marmite butties … twiglets …Oh, yes; nothing but the best for our little Beauty. I think the reasoin she is so quiet is because we’ve had to protect her from Caraboose, the evil fairy … but that hasn’t stopped her being so sweet and graceful. (Offstage, shouting) Look out, Nanny!
MUSIC #6 – A FAST LIVELY ENTRANCE Enter Beauty on a skateboard. She zooms on and knocks Nanny over.
Beauty Nanny Beauty Nanny Audience Beauty Nanny
Sorry, Nanny … I didn’t see you there! You need glasses … I’ve got bruises in places I didn’t know I had places! What is it anyway? It’s one of my birthday presents … it was wrapped up, but the corner was a bit loose and when I tried to fix it, all the paper fell off. You should be ashamed of yourself, opening presents before your birthday … you shouldn’t do that, should you boys and girls? No! Who are all these lovely people, Nanny? Friends of mine … listen … “Hello boys and girls!”. 6
Audience Beauty Nanny Beauty Audience Beauty Nanny Beauty Nanny Beauty Nanny Beauty Nanny
“Hello, Nanny!” Wow! Do you think they’ll shout “Hello Beauty” if I ask them? I suppose so, they’re not fussy! Go on, have a go! “Hello boys and girls”. “Hello Beauty!” That’s fantastic … will they be my friends too? Ask them … Will you all be my friends? … Will You? … That’s wonderful! And you can all come to my birthday party, can’t they, Nanny. What … everybody! Why not? We’ll run out of jelly! Please, Nanny. I’m only joking … of course they can come.
Enter Pickles.
Pickles
Nanny Pickles Nanny Pickles
Hiya kids! … Your highness, I’ve been looking for you everywhere. I’ve got a message from your mum. She says make sure you get an early night tonight because you’ve got a busy day tomorrow. Thank you Pickles, you can scarper now and leave the Princess in peace. I’ll have you know that I’m very important now; I’m best friends with the King. And, listen to this … I was sat on the throne this morning! That’s good, it always pays to be regular. Anyway … that’s the message; must dash! (He sees Beauty’s skateboard). Wow! See you later.
He exits on the skateboard.
Nanny
Beauty Nanny Beauty Nanny Beauty
Mind the … (SFX: Crash offstage) … dustbin! He wasn’t on stage very long was he? Seemed a waste of time to walk from the dressing room really … Now, Beauty, go and have your bath; brush your teeth; put on your nightie and then come over to the nursery. I’m not a child, Nanny! Oh, yes … and don’t forget to wash behind your ears. Nanny! Sorry. (She exits). Dear old Nanny, she’s a bit bossy sometimes, but she’s the best friend I’ve got … apart from you that is … oh, yes … Just think I’ll be eighteen tomorrow and I’ve never been allowed outside the Palace grounds once … no-one will ever tell me why. They say it’s too dangerous for me … but now I’m all grown up, I’ll be able to go out and meet whoever I want … I mean, you’re all my friends now, but we’ve only just met … (She sighs). For most of my childhood, I’ve been so lonely …
MUSIC #7 – ‘ON MY OWN’ (EPONINE, ‘LES MISERABLES’) Blackout. Exit Beauty. FX: Flash. Enter Carabosse.
Carabosse
Had you forgotten I’m still here, You can boo all you want, hiss me, jeer, Shout yourselves hoarse, I don’t give a toss, For I am the immortal Carabosse Though it may appear my plans have gone awry, Eighteen years I’ve waited for Beauty to die. All I’ve been doing is biding my time, Now the time has come to commit the crime. I said she’d prick her finger on a pin, (she reveals a pin-shaped dagger) Well guess who’s going to stick it in. 7
Got it in one, come on, give me a cheer … You’re even stupider than you appear. I’m the wickedest fairy that there’s ever been, Let me tell you, it’s wonderful being so mean. SFX: Evil music sting. Exit Carabosse. Blackout.
Scene Five (The Nursery) Beauty’s bed is set, with a large toy box backing onto a wing flat to enable the toys to enter. Nanny is standing by the toy box.
Nanny
Oh, so you’re here again, how lovely! I’ve just been looking through Beauty’s toy box … she loves her dollies … this is Mabel, this is Emily, and this is … Action Man?! She is growing up! It’s funny, she may be eighteen, but she’s still a baby to me … and talking of birthdays, are you coming to the party? … Good … I think though that we ought to have a practice of ‘Happy Birthday’, don’t you? Come on, you can all sing, can’t you?
MUSIC #8A – ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY’ Nanny
That wasn’t bad at all … but, have I got news for you! There are some other birthdays today …
Nanny reads out the birthdays, and another ‘Happy Birthday’ is sung.
MUSIC #8B – ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY’ (REPRISE) Beauty runs on.
Beauty Nanny Beauty Nanny Beauty Nanny Beauty Nanny Beauty
Oh, Nanny, are you all right? What do you mean, “am I all right”? I thought you were screaming in agony. I was singing, you cheeky monkey. Sorry. I’ve never been so insulated in my life. It was just a joke … Yes, just … now come on, are you ready for bed? Yes.
Over the next speech, Beauty does the actions.
Nanny Beauty Nanny Beauty Nanny
Beauty Nanny
Beauty
Hands … backs of hands … teeth … right arm …left arm … right leg …left leg … hair … nose … chin … tummy … bottom of shoes … Good … Right, bed. Oh, must I Nanny … I’m not tired. Well, sleep on the edge of the bed. Why? That way, you’ll soon drop off! … Come on, into bed. (Beauty gets into bed). You need your beauty sleep … That’s why I’m so beautiful; I sleep a lot. (Beauty gets out of bed). What are you doing? Is that what sleep did to you? Get in bed. (Beauty gets into bed). Goodnight my little Beauty … Sweet dreams … (Whispering to the audience). See you later … Bye. (She exits. SFX/FX: The crash of a bucket is heard. She enters and whispers). Sorry. (She exits. SFX/FX: The crash of a bucket is heard again. She enters and whispers). Even more sorry. (She exits). (Yawning) I suppose I am quite sleepy … goodnight boys and girls.
Beauty falls asleep. LX: The stage darkens. Enter Carabosse.
Carabosse
Well dear boys and girls, prepare to cry, Your friend the Princess is going to die. (She takes out the pin dagger). 8
Lilac Fairy
Carabosse Lilac Fairy Carabosse
Lilac Fairy Carabosse Lilac Fairy
I don‘t care if you shout all day, Nothing on earth can stop me … (The Lilac Fairy enters). (Interrupting) … … … stay! At the christening, I made it my duty, To give protection to the Princess Beauty. I’ll stop you; her finger you shall not prick … (To the audience) She’s so goody-goody, she makes me sick. Leave Beauty alone, you shall not harm her. To stop me, you’ll need a suit of armour! Alright, I know the rhyme is rotten, The author’s cheap; his name forgotten. What makes you think you can thwart my plots? ‘Cos I have helpers … (looking at the audience) … lots and lots! What, that mob? All they do is make some noise. Not just them … there’s Beauty’s toys.
The Lilac Fairy waves her wand.
MUSIC #9A – A TOY BALLET Carabosse Lilac Fairy
Those fluffy playthings can’t stop me … With my help they will, just wait and see.
During the ballet, the toys protect Beauty according to their various characters – for example, the teddy bear will bump Carabosse with it’s tummy, a ‘tin’ soldier will threaten her with his rifle, a rag doll will flop all over her etc etc. At the end of the ballet, Carabosse is disarmed and the pin dagger is spirited away.
Carabosse
You might have won for now, my dear, But I’m not finished … nowhere near. Though these toys may be good at defending, This story will still have an unhappy ending. (She exits).
SFX: Evil music sting. Exit Carabosse.
Lilac Fairy
(To the toys) You’ve saved Beauty’s life everyone, well done! Now, back in the toybox.
MUSIC #9B – A TOY BALLET (REPRISE, PART) The toys exit waving, into the toybox. The Lilac Fairy shuts the lid.
Lilac Fairy Audience Lilac Fairy
(To the audience) Now, I want you to promise me something … I don’t want you to say a
word to Beauty about what’s happened. Promise? Yes. Good … (SFX: A cock crowing is heard. LX: The light of dawn appears). For now as the first light of dawn appears, On the day the Princess comes of age, This lilac fairy must leave the stage …
SFX: Tinkling music is heard. Exit the Lilac Fairy. Beauty wakes up. Enter the Postman.
Postman
Nanny Postman Nanny
Post! (He throws down a letter and starts to exit. Then, to the audience). I know it’s not a big part, but you have to start somewhere, don’t you. I could have been the front end of Daisy the cow in ‘Jack And The Beanstalk’, but you have to draw the line somewhere, don’t you think? Then there was the part of the Captain in ‘Peter Pan’, but I didn’t think that having your leg off for a two week run in Bognor was worth the pain and suffering. And did I tell you about the time I was (Enter Nanny) in the audition for … (She grabs the Postman; then, to the audience) Sorry about this. (To the Postman). Now, just say your line … Post! Now, get off! 9
Exit Nanny and the Postman. Beauty wakes up.
Beauty
(Yawning) Ooooh! … God morning, boys and girls … I really slept well. (She gets out of bed). And I can open my presents at last! … Ooh look, one card has arrived already! I wonder who it’s from! (She picks up the envelope, takes out the card and looks at the picture). What can it be? (She now opens the card out so that the audience can clearly see a picture of a spinning wheel on it. She reads out loud).
Happy Birthday. I’ve arranged a treasure trail, Do you want to find your present? … You can’t fail! But, you have to climb up ever so high, To the turret that’s closest, to the sky.” That’s easy, I know where the topmost turret is … (She reads out loud again). Go there; you’ll get a gift from none other, Than your very own Fairy Godmother. A present from my Fairy Godmother! I’ll see you later, boys and girls, I’ve got to go to the topmost turret! SFX: Evil music sting. Exit Beauty. Blackout.
Scene Six (The Music Room) Voices (offstage) singing ‘Happy Birthday’ are heard. Enter the King and Queen and Nanny, all carrying presents.
King Queen Nanny King Nanny
Happy birthday, my darling Happy birthday, my dearest. Happy birthday, Nanny’s little love. She’s not here! He’s quick isn’t he!
Enter Pickles carrying a present. He sings a full verse of ‘Happy Birthday’ then looks around to silence from the others.
Pickles Nanny Queen Pickles Nanny King Nanny Queen Pickles King Pickles Nanny Pickles Nanny Pickles Queen King Nanny Queen
She’s not here! If you were any slower, you’d bump into yourself coming back! Where is my daughter? I don’t know … I can’t understand why she isn’t here for her birthday … (To the audience). What’s happened? (To the audience) Have you seen the Princess Beauty? … Where is she? … One at a time please … You … Where has she gone? … The topmost turret! … Oh, right. Where’s the topmost turret? No idea. Pickles, What about you? ‘Course I know where the topmost turret is … I know this place like the back of my hand. Well then, where is the topmost turret? It’s just past that mole … up the middle finger … turn left at my thumb, then straight on. Pickles … Yes? Shut up! Right. We must find Beauty soon! You’re right … I have a strange foreboding. Baggy underpants, that’s what you need! Enough of this … Lead the way Pickles! We must find her quickly.
MUSIC #10 – DRAMATIC EXIT MUSIC Exeunt. Blackout,
10
Scene Seven (A Hidden Room in the Topmost Turret) Carabosse, disguised as an old woman, is sitting at a spinning wheel.
Carabosse
Spin the flax, wind the thread, Princess Beauty will soon be …
Enter Beauty.
Beauty Carabosse Beauty Carabosse Beauty Carabosse Beauty Carabosse Beauty Carabosse
Ah! Is this it? Is this what, my dear? The topmost turret. Indeed it is. Come in, and welcome. Thank you ma’am. What are you doing? I’m spinning, child. Spinning, what’s that? Have you never seen a spinning wheel before? No, never … how does it work? Come closer and I’ll show you.
Hopefully the audience will be shouting, to which Beauty will reply …
Beauty Carabosse Beauty Carabosse Beauty Carabosse
Don’t worry, this sweet old lady will not harm me! Of course not, my pretty … Now, this is the flax, wound around the distaff. I see. Then, when I press this treadle, the wheel spins and the thread is collected … on that spindle. This is called a spindle? Indeed it is.
Carabosse, suddenly jumps up and screams. Alarmed by this, Beauty stabs her finger on the spindle.
Beauty Carabosse
Goodness, you frightened me! You made me prick my … fin… (She slumps to the ground). Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Behold, the evil deed’s been done, So you can shut up, everyone. I’m sorry, but your little friend, Has met a most untimely end. Do I see hankies? Aaah, are you crying? But it’s such fun seeing Beauty dying!
SFX: Evil music sting. Exit Carabosse. Voices offstage are heard calling for Beauty. Enter the King, the Queen, Pickles and Nanny.
Pickles Nanny King Nanny Pickles Queen King
There you go, squire, the topmost turret. All those stairs have played havoc with my veins! You did well, Pickles. Did well?! How is it that to get to the top we came through the cellar? (Showing her his hand) I followed that knuckle instead of this thumb, I’m afraid (Seeing Beauty) My little girl! And a spinning wheel! How could this have happened?
They all run over to Beauty.
Nanny Queen Pickles Nanny Pickles
My little Beauty! She’s not breathing! Yes she is … remember the purple pixie! The Lilac Fairy, idiot! Whoever it was, she promised that Beauty wouldn’t die … she’d just sleep for a hundred years. 11
Queen King Pickles Queen Nanny King Queen Nanny
He’s right … she is breathing. Summon the guard, Pickles. (Muttering) “Pickles do this … Pickles do that …” (He exits). Who could have done this dreadful deed? I don’t know, but I’ve got a good idea … Who was it boys and girls? … Who? … I thought so … Carabosse! The curse of the black fairy has come true. For eighteen years we have protected our daughter until this fateful day … (She weeps). Don’t start all that crying thing … (She starts to well up) … you’ll have us all at it.
Enter Pickles and two Guards.
Pickles King Pickles King
Two guards! Thank you, Pickles. (Exiting) That was a waste of time coming on for, wasn’t it! (He exits). (To the Guards) Lift her gently … she sleeps.
SFX: Sad drum beat. The Guards carry Beauty off.
Queen
My darling daughter … my poor child!
Exeunt.
MUSIC #11 – CRESCENDO PLAYOFF Scene Eight (Back In The Corridor) Carabosse
Now, boys and girls you must all agree, That I deserve this victory. Boo as much as you want, You morons can’t beat me … (hopefully the audience will say “Oh yes we can!”). Oh, no you can’t! (etc) You can’t, you can’t you can’t! (etc) Save your breath … I warn you, I’m certain to win, And prove beyond doubt, The supremacy of sin.
MUSIC #12 – HAPPINESS THEMED POP SONG, SUNG SARCASTICALLY BY CARABOOSE Exit Carabosse. Blackout.
Scene Nine (The Palace Ballroom) Beauty is lying on a bier (a table on which a casket or a corpse is placed). Around her are the King, the Queen, Pickles, Nanny, Courtiers, Guards and Pages.
Queen King Pickles Nanny King
She sleeps so peacefully … It seems impossible that she will not wake for a hundred years. What will become of her when she does waken? None of us will live long enough to see that day. Bruce Forsyth will! (Replace name with current very elderly, but still working, celebrity). Shut up! If only all of us could sleep for a hundred years …
FX: Flash. Enter the Lilac Fairy. They all jump.
Nanny Lilac Fairy Pickles
I wish she wouldn’t do that! Because you love this child so well, I’ll grant a wish and make a spell. Fantastic … give us the Lottery numbers! 12
Nanny Queen Lilac Fairy Nanny Pickles Lilac Fairy Queen Lilac Fairy King Lilac Fairy All Others Lilac Fairy
King Lilac Fairy Pickles Nanny Pickles Nanny Pickles Nanny Pickles Nanny Pickles Nanny Pickles Nanny Pickles Nanny King Queen Minstrel Nanny Pickles
One of these days, Pickles, I’ll twist your nose upside down and fill it with water till you drown! A thousand thank-you’s, Lilac Fairy … we would love you to grant us a wish. You’ll sleep for a century, but remember this, She can only be woken by a Prince’s kiss … Will he kiss me? I hope not for his sake! … For a hundred years, this Court will slumber … So, we’ll all be here when Beauty wakes up? … Yes … That’s wonderful! … That is, except for one of your number. What! Who! (etc) For it will be his bounden duty, To tell the tale of Princess Beauty, And not to let the legend die … There aren’t that many Princes riding by. Who have you chosen for this task, Lilac Fairy? It needs a man with powers of narration, (enter the Minstrel) So the Minstrel here is my nomination. What about me? You can’t remember your name, never mind a full story. Course I can, it’s … er… it’s … Well, I know other things! Such as? I know where Hadrian’s Wall is. Where. Round Hadrian’s house! And I know who painted ‘The Laughing Cavalier’. Who. Vauxhall! And I know what the Japanese word ‘Karaoke’ means! What. Tone deaf. Pickles … Yes? Belt up! (To the Minstrel) Will you keep this legend alive for us, Minstrel? (To the Minstrel) Will you stay here and pass on the story of our daughter? Though on this mission, I shall grow old, The tale of our Princess must be told. (He exits). What a man! That’s doubtful.
MUSIC #13 – DRAMATIC MUSIC UNDERSCORE Lilac Fairy
I touch you all with the dust of sleep … (She circles the stage, waving her wand over the members of the Court).
… As your faithful watch you start to keep … (LX: The lights start to dim. They all start to fall asleep). (To the audience) … I beg you all, please calm your fears,
They’ll only sleep for a hundred years. Exit the Lilac Fairy. The music becomes menacing as Carabosse enters.
13
Carabosse
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Yaah! … Yes, still the final word is mine, Your precious Princess, I shall entwine, Inside a forest of thorn and briar … (Briar starts to grow). Watch it grow, ever higher and higher! Even a Prince will never find, His way between these thorns that bind Beauty to me, as I’ve told you before, I’m the Queen of Evil … for evermore!
Exit Carabosse. Briars cover the Court. LX: Fade to black.
MUSIC #14 – DRAMATIC FINISH MUSIC #15 – INTERVAL PLAYOUT
END OF ACT ONE INTERVAL MUSIC #16 – ENTR’ACTE : A LIVELY MEDLEY
ACT TWO Prologue Enter the Minstrel, in front of tabs.
Minstrel
A century has passed, in such a short time, I’ve aged not a lot, and I still speak in rhyme. Once more I appear, with my tale of young Beauty, Now-the time is here, when I must do my duty. Sleeping Beauty must wake … a kiss it will take, For a Prince passes by, and her destiny draws nigh.
Exit the Minstrel. Blackout.
Scene One (The Forest) It is a century later. Enter Huntsmen and Ladies.
MUSIC #17 – ‘A BRAND NEW DAY’ (FROM ‘THE WIZ’) Enter the Prince and another Huntsman.
Huntsman Prince Minstrel Prince Minstrel Prince Minstrel
We’ve never hunted here before, your Highness … what’s it called. These are wildlands … as you can see, mile after mile of thorn and briar. It’s a strange place, no-one knows its name. (Entering) It is the land of Arcadia. How would you know that, stranger? I am a minstrel … I often sang at the Arcadian Royal Palace … the Royal Palace that lies yonder through the briars. Surely (beat) nobody lives there now? Please don’t call me ‘Shirley’ … In fact the King and Queen, the Princess and the entire Court … they have slept there for a hundred years … 14
Prince Minstrel Prince Minstrel Prince Minstrel Prince Minstrel Prince Minstrel Prince Huntsman Minstrel Prince Huntsman
What are you talking about, a hundred years? … and will continue to do so until I find a Prince. A Prince? I’m a Prince … Prince Michael of Monrovia. Your Highness. (He bows). Perhaps you will be the one to wake the Princess with a kiss. And what Princess is that? Princess Beauty … the most charming, lovely and sweet natured girl ever born. And I get to kiss her? It’s a lousy job, but someone has to do it. Sounds like a good deal to me … are you sure about this, Minstrel? Indeed … but to rescue her you have to fight your way through the Forest Of Thorns. We’ll soon hack our way through here, won’t we lads? Easy! … not. No, the Prince must do it on his own. Oh, really! Ah, well, a few brambles isn’t such a problem. Take the ladies back to the lodge … I’m going to find the Princess Beauty. Good luck, your Highness.
The Huntsmen and Ladies exit.
Prince Minstrel Prince Minstrel
Well, you must know the easiest way through this forest. I know the way the other Princes went, your Highness. Other Princes … what other Princes? So far there have been five Princes who have entered the Forest Of Thorns, and … (He hesitates).
Prince Minstrel Prince Minstrel Prince Minstrel Prince
Yes, and … And … let’s sing a song! (Sternly) And what. None of them were ever seen again. You didn’t mention that bit. But someone has to save the Princess Beauty, and your Highness seemed to be the man who loved adventure. I am … I mean, I was …no … I am … Lead on, Minstrel.
Exit the Minstrel and the Prince.
MUSIC #18 - PLAYOFF Blackout. Close tabs. FX: Flash. Enter Carabosse.
Carabosse
I’m back here again … hip, hip, hooray, Let’s hear it for the great Black Fairy. A hundred years and still I hold sway … Why don’t you simpletons, just go away. I’ve watched the latest Prince’s arrival, But I don’t rate his chance, and that means survival. Prince Michael will wish he had never been born, For inside my forest of briar and thorn, Lurk evil creatures of my invention, And I assure you that it’s my intention, That the Prince will never kiss Beauty’s lips, I’m sorry, but Michael has now had his chips. (Next two lines are optional). Although I’m a star, don’t be overawed, Come on you morons … start to applaud!
SFX: Evil music sting. Exit Carabosse.
15
Scene Two (The Gates Of The Palace) Enter the Minstrel and the Prince.
Prince Minstrel Prince Minstrel Prince Minstrel Prince Minstrel Audience Minstrel
It’s very dark in the middle of these briars … are you sure we’re heading in the right direction? Trust me … look, there are the Palace gates! Which appear to be rusted shut … after a hundred years, I suppose that’s not surprising. Is there no other way into the Palace? There was a small garden gate, I seem to remember … it was in that direction. I’ll go and see if I can find it … you wait here. Why? It says so in the script. (He exits). Don’t leave me! … This place is full of creepy crawlies … If you see any, you will let me know, won’t you, boys and girls? Yes! (SFX: A strange sound is heard. A spider appears overhead). A spider! What is it? A spider! Are you sure? (The spider disappears). Where? I can’t see a spider! (SXF: Again, the sound. The spider appears overhead). What? I think you’re trying to scare me. (The spider disappears). There’s nothing there … Oh, no there wasn’t! (Does the routine with the Audience).
Enter the Prince.
Prince Minstrel Prince Minstrel
What’s all the noise about? The boys and girls have been trying to frighten me … they keep saying there’s a spider! (To the audience). Was there a spider? … Oh, really! Well, all you have to do is stand there and wait for it to come back. (He hides). I get all the best jobs.
SFX: The strange sound is heard. The spider appears overhead. The Minstrel sees it and screams. Enter the Prince who captures the spider (he unclips it from the wire).
Prince Minstrel Prince Minstrel Prince Minstrel Prince
Got it … now off you go! (He takes it into the wings). Why didn’t you kill it? You know what they say … “If you wish to live and thrive, let a spider run alive”. And you know what I say? What. “If a spider crawls inside your bed, put it on the windowsill and squash its head”! That’s cruel.
SFX: Evil music sting. Enter Carabosse.
Carabosse
Fine words, you sentimental greenie, But I am such an evil meanie. I want to see how hard you can fight, Against my champion … Black Knight!
MUSIC #19 – FIGHT MUSIC Enter the Black Knight. He draws a sword. The Prince draws his sword and they fight until the Prince beats the Black Knight.
Carabosse
(To the Black Knight) You fool!
The Black Night and Carabosse exit. FX: Flash. Enter the Lilac Fairy.
Prince Minstrel Prince Minstrel Lilac Fairy
Who’s that? The Lilac Fairy. This is getting worse … first of people sleeping for a hundred years, and now fairies! Please, Lilac Fairy, we need help! Have faith dear Prince, have faith! 16
She waves her wand. SFX: Tinkling music. Blackout.
Scene Three (The Cobwebbed Court) Behind the briars (a gauze cloth or tabs), Beauty lies on her bier surrounded by the sleeping Court. SFX: ‘Nessum Dorma’ plays and underscores for a short time. The Prince raises his sword, at which the briars part (or fly out). The Prince moves to Beauty and kisses her. Beauty wakes up.
Beauty Prince Beauty Prince Beauty
(Yawning) Ohhh …what time is it? (Seeing the Prince). Oh! Who are you?
I am Prince Michael of Monrovia, your Highness. I’m sure I’ve seen you before … in my dreams … How long have I been asleep? For a hundred years. A hundred yers! … What are you talking about?
Enter the Lilac Fairy.
Lilac Fairy
But now that the Prince has broken the spell, The rest of the Court shall awake as well. (To the audience) Not the best of rhymes, but it should work OK.
She waves her wand. Everybody except Nanny wakes up. Exit the Lilac Fairy.
Queen Beauty King Prince King Prince Pickles King
Beauty my dear … you’ve come back to us. Mother … Father … (The three embrace). Beauty my dear. And who may I ask is this young man? Prince Michael of Monrovia, Sire. (He bows). Your Highness. (He bows). (To Pickles) And this is … Pickles. Pleased to meet you, Mike. (He curtsies). Where is Nanny?
Nanny snores loudly. They go to her.
Pickles Nanny Pickles Nanny Beauty Nanny Pickles
Nanny … Nanny, wake up! (Waking up) Who, where !!! … When … where is he … Who? Leonardo di Caprio (Replace name with current male celebrity heartthrob) …He was here a minute ago … sitting on my knee tickling my earlobes. You’ve been asleep for a hundred years. (Laying down again) Just give me another ten minutes. Nanny, get up!
Nanny stands.
Beauty King Prince Nanny Queen Prince Nanny King Beauty Nanny King
We’ve all been asleep for a hundred years … but thanks to Prince Michael, we’re safe again. Indeed? … If there is anything I can do for you, my boy … There is, Sire … I’d like your permission to ask Princess Beauty if she’ll marry me. Blimey, that’s quick! One kiss, and “let’s get hitched”! You’ve only just met! Maybe … but it was love at first sight. You haven’t had a proper look at me yet. What do you say Beauty? I say ‘yes’ … As soon as possible. Kids of today! Then let the word be spread abroad. Announce the engagement of our daughter Beauty, Princess of Arcadia, to Prince Michael of Monrovia.
SFX: Fanfare, Exit the King, the Queen, the Courtiers and the Pages.
17
Nanny Pickles Nanny
I can hardly wait … I love a ‘do’! But look at the state of this Palace … all these cobwebs! I’ll have to do a bit of Hoffman. ‘Hoffman’? Dustin … Dustin Hoffman! … See you later!
Exit Nanny and Pickles.
Beauty Prince
One hundred years we’ve been asleep and Nanny looks exactly the same … Thank you for awakening me, Michael. From the moment I saw you, I new we were meant for each other
MUSIC #20 – ‘SOMEWHERE OUT THERE’ DUET Blackout. Exeunt.
Scene Four (A Corridor Revisited) SFX: Evil music sting. Enter Carabosse.
Carabosse
True romance. Yuk! It makes me heave, So I shall practice to deceive. My final vengeance, I shall take, Their so-called party will become a wake. No matter how you boo and hiss, They’ll never live in wedded bliss, I’ll use my skill in subterfuge, (And as you know, those powers are huge), To imprison Beauty in my lair, Where I’ll extract every golden hair. I’ll torture her, that’s what I’ll do, Then I’ll do the same (pointing) to you … and you … and you … (etc)
SFX: Evil music sting. Exit Carabosse. Enter Nanny, carrying a basket.
Nanny
Hello! Still here then are we? … After a hundred years as well! … I’d hate to pay your parking tickets! … Now, listen … We’re all getting ready for the garden party, you know … and I’ve been doing a bit of shopping. As usual, I’ve bought too many sweets, and I don’t know what to do with them … shall I throw them in the bin, or throw them on the fire? … What? … Give them to you? What a cracking idea! Tell you what. I’ll give you the sweets if you sing a song for me. I’ll sing it to you first, then, when you know the words you can sing it to me.
MUSIC #21 – ‘IF YOU’RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT, CLAP YOUR HANDS’ Nanny leads them through this a suitable number of times, before dispensing the sweets.
Nanny
See you later!
Exit Nanny. Blackout.
MUSIC #22 - PLAYOFF Scene Five (The Garden Party) Various tents are set up in the Palace gardens. The King, the Queen, Beauty and the Prince watch as a song is sung by the Minstrel, and is danced to by a team of gypsy dancers.
MUSIC #23 – ‘TO LIFE’ (‘FIDDLER ON THE ROOF’; BOCK/HARNICK) King Queen King Minstrel Beauty
Hasn’t this been a splendid day, my dear. The engagement of our only daughter … how could it be otherwise? Never sung better, Minstrel. Thank you, Sire. Weren’t the dancers wonderful? 18
Queen Beauty Queen Beauty Queen
Indeed they were … Now, I want you to come with me. We need to have a little chat. Can’t I stay here with Michael? No, you can’t. You’ll soon be getting married, and you need to know about the birds and the bees. On a special day like today, you want to talk about wildlife!? (To the King) It’s worse than I thought!
Exit Beauty and the Queen.
King Prince King
And I need to have a few words with you, my boy … Don’t worry, Sire. I know all about the birds and the bees. My father had an aviary and used to keep bees. (To the audience) At this moment in time, I really can’t see us having any grandchildren.
The King and the Prince exit. Enter Nanny in an outrageous frock.
Nanny Minstrel Nanny Minstrel Nanny Minstrel Nanny Minstrel
Hello, boys and girls! … Oooh! It’s that macho Minstrel again … What do you think of my new frock then? (Almost at a loss for words) It’s … it’s … it’s lovely, Nanny. I’m glad you like it … I got it for a ridiculous figure! That’s why it fits you so well! Oh, Mincy … you adorable thing, you! Your face reminds me of custard and sponge cake and sherry. What are you talking about? I think you’re a trifle handsome! You really know how to chat a man up, don’t you.
Exit the Minstrel.
Nanny Pickles Nanny Pickles Nanny
He’s all over me … he can’t resist me! (Enter Pickles). Blimey, I thought you’d gone home. There’s something wrong with me, Nanny. One minute I think I’m a wigwam, the next minute I think I’m a Marquee. I know your trouble. What. You’re two tents …
Enter Carabosse, disguised as a gypsy fortune teller.
Carabosse Pickles Carabosse Pickles Carabosse Pickles Carabosse Pickles Carabosse Pickles Carabosse Nanny Carabosse Nanny Carabosse Nanny Carabosse Nanny Carabosse
Fortunes! … Fortunes! … Romany Rosita tells your fortunes … That sounds good … I must have a go. Excuse me … Yes. I want to know what the future holds for me. Aaah! You want to know ze good news or ze bad news? Ze good news. You are going to a concert. So what is ze bad news? It’s a Steps concert. (Replace with current ‘naff’ pop group) No! … No! … Please … And now I need a pretty young girl to have her fortune read. You called? I said , “pretty”, not “pretty awful”. Ooh, you joker, you! Now, first, you must answer three questions … fill in the missing words. The Khyber …? Pass. Correct. When you are sixty, you get a bus …? Pass. Correct. Brad Pitt walked up to you and made a …? 19
Nanny Pickles
Pass. You’ve got as much chance of that happening as Dale Winton becoming a wrestler.
Enter Beauty.
Beauty Carabosse Beauty Nanny Pickles Carabosse Nanny
Nanny, what are you doing? Aaah … ze pretty senorita! Shall I tell your fortune? Oh, yes please. Don’t get too excited, love … she’s hardly Mystic Meg. (To Carabosse) What are you going to tell Beauty? It is impossible for me to reveal my findings to you … this consultation will be held in private. Charming … keep it to yourself, I say … Come on, Pickles … you can try my onion bhajis dipped in custard.
Exit Nanny and Pickles.
Beauty Carabosse Beauty Carabosse Beauty Carabosse
What do I do? Give me your hand, and I’ll read your palm. … Mmmm … Mmmmmm … interesting! What can you see? You are due for a spell of confinement. Confinement? Like a bird in a cage. (She gestures. LX: Blackout. Exit Beauty. FX: Flash. LX: Lights up. Carabosse is holding a dove in a small cage).
At last, at last … now comes the hour, Beauty’s totally in my power. Transformed by magic into this dove, See how hate triumphs over love. Now to my lair, I’ll take this bird, I told you I’d have the final word. SFX: Evil music sting. Carabosse exits with the dove. SFX/FX: Thunder is heard. Enter Pickles, the King, the Queen, the Prince and Nanny.
King Queen Pickles Prince Nanny Pickles
Nanny King Pickles Audience Queen King Prince King Pickles Nanny Prince Nanny
What on earth’s going on? Where is Beauty? The gypsy was reading her fortune … What gypsy? There’s no-one here. When in doubt, ask the boys and girls. What happened, boys and girls? (He listens to the audience and picks up bits and pieces from them). Well, everyone … it appears that the gypsy was Carabosse in disguise … she turned Beauty into a dove and has carried her off to her lair. Complicated, isn’t it! What are you talking about … turned Beauty into a bird? He’s cracked up again. That’s what the boys and girls said … didn’t you, boys and girls. Yes! Beauty has been kidnapped! Michael. Yes, Sire. Find her, and bring her home. I’ll come with you, Mike. I’m coming as well. You can’t go dressed like that! No problem … come on Pickles, we’ll find some suitable clothes.
Exit Nanny and Pickles.
20
Prince
I’ll find her … wherever she is. I’ll never let Beauty come to harm.
MUSIC #24 – ‘NOT WHILE I’M AROUND’ (‘SWEENEY TODD’; SONDHEIM) Blackout. Exit the Prince.
Scene Six (The Music Room) Enter Nanny dressed as a Girl Guide. The audience should laugh!
Nanny
Alright, alright … it used to fit me when I was twelve … that’s nine years ago! … Oh yes it was … (etc) … alright, nineteen years ago … Oh yes it was … (etc) … Alright, twentynine years ago, and that’s my final offer.
Enter Pickles dressed as a Boy Scout.
Pickles Nanny
Dib, dib, dib … I’m ready Nanny. I’ve polished my shoes, brushed my hat, and straightened my woggle. Please, not in front of the boys and girls.
Enter the Prince.
Prince Nanny Prince Nanny Pickles Nanny
There you are … all set? Ready, your Royal Highness. It’s good to see that you two are dressed for action. Now, I feel sure that Carabosse's lair is somewhere in the Forest Of Briars. Call this a woman’s intuition, but I feel that Carabosse is somewhere in this Palace. Are you sure? Not certain, but if we go looking all over the place, this panto could go on till four in the morning!
Enter the Minstrel.
Minstrel Prince Minstrel Pickles Nanny Prince Nanny
What short memories you have. What do you mean? I mean that one hundred years ago, Carabosse lured Beauty to the topmost turret. I know that like the back of my hand. Don’t start all that again! Quick … there isn’t a moment to lose! That’s right … this lot are going to miss their buses if we don’t hurry up!
Exit Nanny, Pickles and the Prince.
MUSIC #25 – PLAYOFF (INTO UNDERSCORE) Minstrel
So, the end of our story draws near, and if anyone can save Beauty, it’s Prince Michael. In fact, if things go right for him, he might even make her his wife … though first, he must fight for his life.
Exit the Minstrel. The music changes to a dramatic playoff. Blackout.
Scene Seven (The Topmost Turret) Carabosse and some henchmen are discovered. A dove is confined in a large, walk-in cage. Carabosse and the henchmen sing.
MUSIC #26 – ‘TROUBLE’ (ELVIS PRESLEY, LIEBER/STOLLER) Carabosse
(Moving into the cage) My Beauty …
I’ve been looking up the recipe for pigeon pie, Once I’ve cassaroled your Princess, I think she might die. You can shout till you burst, Carabosse will come first. Enter the Prince, Nanny and Pickles.
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Prince Carabosse
We’ll see about that! (Shouting to the Henchmen) Kill him!
MUSIC #27 – FIGHT MUSIC The fight is between the Prince and the Henchmen. Followed by Nanny and Pickles, the Prince and the Henchmen make their way offstage only to re-appear on the opposite side of the stage. The Prince singe-handedly disarms the Henchmen, at which point Carabosse takes up the fight with her pin dagger. Eventually he disarms her too and holds his sword to her throat.
Carabosse Prince Nanny Carabosse Nanny
Kill me and you kill the one you love! Beauty will stay forever trapped inside a dove. (Lowering his sword, defeated) Don’t harm Beauty. You do and you’ll … you’ll … I’ll what? You’ll get a kick in the knickers.
Carabosse takes a step forward. Nanny runs behind Pickles. Carabosse is helped into a hooded cloak by a Guard, then handed a mirror by another Guard. She looks at herself in the mirror.
Carabosse Pickles Carabosse Nanny
I am beautiful … the most beautiful fairy of them all. What are you talking about? Fairies are good, not evil like you. Be quiet, you fool. Do you think I care what you think. The Lilac Fairy promised to help us … where is she?
FX: Flash. Enter the Lilac Fairy.
Lilac Fairy Carabosse Lilac Fairy Carabosse Lilac Fairy
I’m very sorry that I’m late, Fairy Parliament had a debate. Fairy Parliament! That lot couldn’t make a decision if their lives depended on it. Your wicked ways have brought us great shame, That we take back your Fairy name. You can’t do that … I’m a fairy as well! No longer … as soon as I cast this spell …
MUSIC #28 – SPELL MUSIC Carabosse turns her head away from the audience and pulls the hood of her cloak over her head.
Carabosse Lilac Fairy
I won’t listen … I don’t care what you say! All your magic powers will wither away, And with them your good looks will depart. As your face shows the evil within your heart …
LX: Carabosse is suddenly lit with a green spot. She turns to reveal a hideous face. Everyone gasps and take a step backwards.
Carabosse
What’s happening? (She touches her face). What have you done to my face? (She looks in her mirror ands screams in horror).
Lilac Fairy
Begone … you’ll nevermore trouble the human race!
Exit Carabosse. SFX: Evil music sting.
Nanny Pickles Nanny Prince Lilac Fairy
What a face … who did she remind you of? You! Cheek. What about Beauty? Can you bring her back? Of course, your Highness, whatever you ask, Restoring Beauty is a simple task.
The Lilac Fairy waves her wand. LX: Blackout. Exit the Lilac Fairy. In the blackout, enter Beauty to the birdcage. The dove is struck. FX: Flash. LX: Lights up, to reveal Beauty in the cage. The Prince helps her out.
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Beauty Prince
Michael, oh Michael … I was so afraid! You’re alright now, Beauty.
They embrace.
Beauty Prince Beauty Nanny Beauty
You saved my life again, Michael. Yes, but I couldn’t have done it without Nanny and Pickles. Thank you, Nanny. (She gives her a hug). It was nowt! You’re a hero, Pickles!
Beauty puts her arms around Pickles and kisses him. He slides down, going all gooey, until he is stretched out on the floor.
Nanny Pickles Prince Nanny Prince
Get up you soppy thing. (Getting up) I went all lollopy, sorry. Now it’s my turn for a kiss. Well, if you insist … (She walks towards the Prince). I meant Beauty, actually.
He kisses Beauty. Enter the Minstrel, the King and the Queen.
Minstrel Beauty Queen Pickles Queen King Prince Nanny Prince King All
I told you Beauty would be safe. Mother! (She hugs the Queen). My darling … Mother! (He hugs the Queen). Get off! Thank you for saving my daughter’s life, Prince Michael. It was nothing, Sire. Don’t be so modest … I was fantastic! When can we name the day, your Majesty? Your marriage will take place immediately. Hooray!
MUSIC #29 – FANFARE PLAYOFF Blackout. All exit except Pickles.
Scene Eight (That Corridor Again) The song sheet routine led by Pickles.
MUSIC #30 – ‘HOW MUCH IS THAT DOGGIE IN THE WINDOW?’ He sings this or another suitable song through once, then gets the whole audience to sing it. They are” so quiet”, he asks them to sing it again, only louder. Then he divides the audience up into sections who compete to be the loudest (left vs right, boys vs girls, stalls vs balconies, mums vs dads etc). If time permits (or is required) he can get some children up on stage to sing the song, giving them presents at the end.
Pickles
Well, that’s all we’ve got time for, because we’ve a wedding to go to!
Scene Nine (The Wedding Walkdown) MUSIC #31 – ‘THE BEST OF TIMES’ (ORIG: PERRY COMO, ALSO IN ‘LA CAGE AUX FOLLES) The company walk down and take their bows in this order : Children, Chorus, Gold Fairy, Silver Fairy, Lilac Fairy, King and Queen, Pickles, Nanny, Minstrel, Carabosse, Beauty and Prince. They take their Company bows. Nanny thanks everyone. They all sing the last verse of the song together. Curtain.
MUSIC #32 - PLAYOUT
THE END 23
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