Ali Baba a two act pantomime by John Bartlett
Ali Baba by John Bartlett © John Bartlett 2002. All Rights Reserved This e-script may not be copied or transcribed by any means electronic, optical or mechanical without the prior permission of the copyright owners or their agent. Photocopying this script without a suitable license is strictly prohibited. This play is a work of fiction. Names and characters are the product of the author’s imagination and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. ‘Ali Baba’ by John Bartlett is fully protected under the international laws of copyright which are enacted in the UK as the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. The right of John Bartlett to be identified as the intellectual owner of the work have been asserted by him in accordance with the above Act While every precaution has been taken in the preparation of this musical play, the publisher assumes no responsibility for errors or omissions, or for damages resulting from the use of the material contained herein.
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Publication History:
March 2004 :
First Edition
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SE-0052
(Rev C)
Characters Male Principals (5) Dame Fatty Ma Ali Baba Kassim Baba Sultan El Ranseed
Female Principals (2) Genie/Beggarwoman Princess Yasmin
Either Gender Principals (2) Mustaphaslap Mustaphatickle
Male Support (2) Grand Vizier Guard
Female Support (4) Chorus Girls (x4)
Either Gender Support (5) Chef Food Taster Abdul, the Camel Gorilla Ghost Voices Off (1) Cash Machine
Musical Items A1 S2
1 - Song and Dance Routine. (Full Chorus). 2 - Song and Dance Routine. (Yasmin, Full Chorus). Love Song
A1 S3
3 - Comic Trio (Dame, Ali & Kassim)
A1 S4
4 - Song and Dance Routine. Duet (Princess Yasmin & Kassim)
A2 S1
5 - Song and Dance Routine. ‘The Old Bazaar In Cairo’ (Dame, Ali & Kassim) 6 - Song and Dance Routine. (Full Chorus). 7 - Dance Routine. (Suggested Music : 'The Hall Of The Mountain King').
A2 S5
8 - Comic Song (Dame, Ali, Kassim & Audience Participation)
A2 S6
9 - Dance Routine - The Night Club
A2 S8
10 - Dance Routine - The Reprise
The author has purposefully not suggested titles, other than a rough indication of the mood the song should generate, but there may be copyright issues concerning recorded music used in the show. Productions of ‘Ali Baba’ could have a live band to provide backing for the cast and chorus, or backing tracks may be used. Whilst it is possible to download backing tracks from the internet or use a Karaoke tape, use of such tracks in front of a live audience is not covered by public performance and licensing regulations. Suitably licensed backing tracks may however be purchased from such suppliers as … SBI Performance Licensing, 128a Church Road, Hove, East Sussex, BN3 2EA United Kingdom Phone : 08704 581 446 for UK Callers (or +44 1273 202277 for International Callers) Fax
: 0207 504 8242 (or +44 207 504 8242)
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1
ACT 1 Scene 1 The scene is set in 'down town' Baghdad. Down Stage Left Dame Fatty Ma's hovel is plainly seen. 'Sheikoutyarmani's Bank' with a Cash Machine is situated DSR. Behind these two edifices the town of Baghdad (or other Middle Eastern city) can be seen disappearing into the distance.
El Ranseed
(Off) Alms! Alms! Alms for the poor. Alms, give me alms. In the name of Allah, alms.
Enter SR a citizen of Baghdad carrying a mannequin’s arm.
Citizen El Ranseed Citizen El Ranseed Citizen
El Ranseed
Jinnee El Ranseed Jinnee El Ranseed
Jinnee El Ranseed
Jinnee
Here you are me old china! Here you are me old China! What do you think I want this for? (Holding up mannequins arm). You were asking for arms weren't you? Well that's the only arm I can spare! I said ‘Alms’, not ‘arms’, you pile of camel poo! I want money, give me Dinahs! Who do you take me for, the Sultan of Baghdad! I'm certainly not buying dinner for some silly old Fakir like you! (From somewhere beneath his garments El Ranseed produces an evil looking dagger). Ooooh-er, I'm off! May your armpits be infested with a thousand fleas you miserable infidel! (Turning to the audience). And what are you lot sneering at, you've only paid a small pittance to get in here anyway! My name is El Ranseed, the beggar and this pitiful place is the poor quarter of downtown Baghdad. So don't get all high and mighty with me! (He advances towards the audience). What have you got to give to poor old El Ranseed the beggar man, I know you're hiding something out there, where are all those sweeties? Come on you can't hide them from me! Ah-ha, what's that you've got there, give it to me! It's no good sitting on it madam; anything you've got I can sniff it out! Not a thing, you worms, you scum, you curs, you pot of camel spit! You sons and daughters of donkey dung, I curse you all, may the sands of Arabia cover your back passage forever! Ah-ha! But what is this I spy, a can of fizzy pop! So you thought you could keep this from me, you miserable bunch of ripe bananas! I am El Ranseed the King of Sniffers, nothing is safe from my beady eye! I miss nothing, nothing! (He moves away from the audience USR). Now for a nice cool refreshing drink of El Seven Up, and don't think I will share any of it with you, I don't drink with dung beetles! (As he opens the can there is a flash and a Jinnee appears SR. El Ranseed cowers away from the apparition). Do not hurt me effendi, I am only poor old El Ranseed the beggar man. I am Seraphina, the Jinnee of the can, I will grant three wishes, oh mortal man. Jinnee of the Can? What happened to lamps, bottles and rings? The sands of time never stand still, A sign of the times; now what is your will? Three wishes you say. (To audience). Well I could turn you lot into toads for a start, but that would be a waste of a wish, besides you're toads already! Three wishes, what good fortune, Allah be praised. I can wish for anything I like, anything! A purse of gold that never empties, a flying carpet, a cloak of invisibility! Master be careful, you must not wish for personal gain, Otherwise your wish will reverse, and drive you insane. I knew it, why is there always a catch. I thought it was too good to be true! Well Seraphina, Jinnee of the can, I have to scratch a living by begging. I wish for a plate that never empties so that my belly will always be satisfied. Oh Master! Your wish lacks wisdom I have to say, But if that is your command then I must obey.
There is a DBO, a crash of thunder and a flash of lightening. When the lights return the Jinnee has vanished.
2
El Ranseed
What happened! What happened? I must be a fool. Nothing happened that's what happened! Bah! That Jinnee was a dud.
Scene 2 An Eastern sounding fanfare breaks the silence.
Gruff Voice Make way! Make way for the Sultan of Baghdad and his Harem. The chorus enter and fill the stage with the first:
MUSIC NO 1 : SONG AND DANCE ROUTINE. (FULL CHORUS). Enter the Sultan on a sedan chair dressed with cushions. The effect should look like a portable grand throne.
Sultan Girl 1 Sultan Girl 2 Girl 3 Girl 4 Sultan Girl 1 Girl 2 Girl 3 Sultan Omnes Sultan Omnes Sultan Girl 4
Girls! Girls! How many times have I told you not to cavort in public! Who’s a cross little Sultana then? Now don't think you can get round me like that it wont work! Whose a little sweetie-pops? You know how we like to dance. Besides we only dance for you. Now, now, now that's enough I say Stop being an angry old sour puss. Otherwise you know what that means. Doesn't he girls! Oh you wouldn't! Oh yes we would. Oh no you wouldn't. Oh yes we would. Oh no you wouldn't. (Once the audience have joined in the Sultan rounds on them). And who said you lot could join in? Wouldn't what then? Eh! Eh! There, you don't know do you? Shall we do it anyway? Shall we?
She appeals to the audience who shout, "Yes"; the Sultan backs down.
Oh no, please, please ‌ you wouldn't. Guards! Guards! Help! Help! Mustaphaslap! Mustaphatickle! (The Guards enter as the cast tickle the Sultan who squeals with mock terror and delight whilst adlibbing and trying to get away). Help! Help! No, no get away, get away. I command you to stop it! I give in! I give in! Stop! Now sit down and behave yourselves. Where is my daughter Yasmin? Girl 1 She's in the scented garden oh my Sultan. Sultan Again! Bring her to me. Girl 1 She will not come. Sultan What do you mean she will not come? Go and fetch her I demand it I am the Sultan after all. Tickle I will try my Sultan. (He exits SR) Sultan I've never heard the like, I knew her mother would spoil her. You there Badr-al-Budur I desire you to fan me I am too hot. Girl 2 To hear is to obey, my husband. Girl 1 She said she would not come my Sultan Sultan What! Tell her that I demand her to come to me. Girl 1 It will not make any difference my Sultan. Sultan Mustaphaslap! Mustaphatickle! Go and insist that she come to me, and don't answer me back. Slap & Tickle To hear is to obey. (They exit). Sultan Badr, fan harder. Girl 2 I am doing my best, my husband. 3 Sultan
Sultan Girl 3 Slap & Tickle Sultan
Rahma, help Badr to fan. With pleasure my husband. She says she still will not come my Sultan. What! Where is my executioner, off with their heads!
Mustaphaslap and Mustaphatickle fall to their knees.
Slap Tickle Sultan Girl 2 Sultan
We are merely humble messengers. I beg you not to harm us my Sultan. Oh all right then, but what on earth is the matter with the girl. (Badr/Girl 2 leans forward and whispers in the Sultan's ear). She's what? By the will of Allah it is the truth. She's pining for a husband, my little girl? But she's far too young to bother with such things.
Enter Princess Yasmin.
Yasmin Sultan
Yasmin
Forgive me father, I see that Badr has told you all. I cannot help feeling the way I do, it is the will of Allah. I've never heard such nonsense. You're far too young, isn't she everybody? (He appeals to the assembled court, who conveniently look away). Isn't she? What? Have my old eyes deceived me? Can it really be true? Have you grown up under my very nose, without my realising? Why didn't somebody tell me? (He appeals to the assembled court once more again they look away). Well, Yasmin, you are dearer to me than all the stars in the heavens, so hear and abide your father's will. In front of this assembled crowd, I the Sultan of Baghdad promise that when a suitable suitor suits, I will give you my blessing! There what do you say to that? Oh my father, may Allah bless you for the remainder of your days! (She kisses him). I am so happy I must sing!
MUSIC NO 2 : SONG AND DANCE ROUTINE. (YASMIN, FULL CHORUS). LOVE SONG Sultan
Slap
Wonderful! Wonderful! Yasmin you must receive a present. Mustaphaslap, get my beautiful daughter, the Princess Yasmin, a present from the Royal deposit box. Here’s my credit card. At once my Sultan. (He runs to the cash machine. Speaking aloud, he types in the number). 0-0-7.
The James Bond theme music is heard.
Sultan
Shhh! Don't tell everyone my secret number. (Absolutely delighted). Oh I love that bit.
From inside the cash machine there is a sound of clanking and rusty wheels turning. This is followed by a pause which is followed by the ‘Laughing Policeman.’ A final clonk is heard and a small piece of paper appears. Mustaphaslap slap peers at it.
Slap Sultan
It says here that you are overdrawn. Overdrawn, I can't be I'm the Sultan of Baghdad! Bring it over here. (Mustaphaslap pulls the piece of paper from the cash machine, it becomes longer and longer until it reaches right across the stage). Oooh er! I've shecked my sheckles, I've dented my Dinahs, I'm down
Yasmin Sultan
to my uppers. I'm sorry my sweet, but the treasury appears to be empty, in fact my overdraft is stretched tighter than Dame Fatty Ma's knicker elastic, and that's saying something! Oh that's all right, I don't need a present anyway. Well how about a little something from the Royal Pantry? (He claps his hands). Call the Royal Chef!
The whole company call for the Royal Chef, who eventually runs in and falls at the feet of the Sultan.
Royal Chef Sultan
It wasn't my fault, oh my Sultan. What isn't? 4
Royal Chef Sultan Royal Chef Sultan Royal Chef Sultan Royal Chef Sultan Royal Chef Sultan Royal Chef Sultan Royal Chef Sultan Royal Chef Sultan Royal Chef Sultan Royal Chef Sultan Royal Chef Sultan Royal Chef
I didn't mean to do it! Do what? I couldn't help it! Help what? Oh nothing. That's better! Now … (Interrupting) … You promise you won't be angry? About what? I told him not to! Told who? He insisted on it. Who insisted? Oh nothing it's not important. Good now we're getting somewhere. It was all her fault anyway. Who's fault? Well … That, is enough! Not another word! Now bring me something nice to eat. Er, like er, what, my Sultan? You're the Chef aren't you? Bring me a delicacy! Bring on the dish of fried locust. (He claps his hands.) Fried locust! Are you really sure that fried locust is a delicacy fit for Princess Yasmin? Oh most certainly my Sultan.
A dish of fried locust is brought on.
Sultan
There you are my precious, try one, they are a delicacy you know. (Princess Yasmin grimaces and tentatively reaches out, the cast look suitably horrified). No wait, call the Royal Food Taster. (General calling for the Royal Food Taster). I do wish you lot wouldn't repeat everything I say.
The cast accuse everybody else of repeating everything they say.
Food Taster Sultan Food Taster Sultan
Yes my Sultan, (Gulping). What is your bidding? I want you to try out this dish of fried locust. Who me, my Sultan? Yes you! One can't be too careful you know. I mean for all I know they might be poisoned with something that burns your insides or kills you stone dead as quick as that. (He snaps his fingers). Hurry up we haven't got all day you know.
The Food Taster gulps, then tentatively nibbles a fried locust.
Food Taster Sultan Food Taster Sultan
They're fine my Sultan. That's not enough! All of it! … Well? It's very nice (He still has a mouth full.) Swallow it!
Mustaphaslap and Mustaphatickle take up threatening positions either side of the Food Taster, half drawing their curved swords. He reluctantly swallows the locust. There is a pause, nothing happens, the Food Taster smiles in a relieved manner before clutching his stomach in an alarmed fashion. Whilst this is going on we here loud rumbling and gurgling sounds followed by a series of loud splats. He clutches his posterior and runs off screaming.
Food Taster Mummy! Mummy! Sultan I knew it! Who put poison in the fried locusts then? Come on who was it, own up! (Everybody looks sheepish whilst mumbling, "It wasn't me, I didn't do it, I know nothing about it." etc). A likely story. Well, now we need a new Royal Food Taster. Who amongst you
5
Tickle Sultan Slap Sultan
will volunteer for the prestigious job of the Royal Food Taster to the Sultan of Baghdad? (The company look away, whistling and trying not to catch the eye of the Sultan). What about you? Oh no your Royal Highness I couldn't possibly, I've a delicate stomach you see. You then! Sorry guvnor I've already eaten. Well somebody must do it.
They all look away once more.
Tickle Slap Sultan Tickle
I have an idea. Well that'll be a first. What is it? Why don't we give the first citizen that passes by here, the honour of becoming the Royal Food Taster?
Everybody groans.
Sultan
What an utterly stupid suggestion. Wait a minute, I have had a wonderful idea, I shall bestow the honour of becoming the Chief Royal Food Taster on the next person to pass by this way.
Eventually in the distance Dame Fatty Ma is heard singing, “All I Want Is A Proper Cup Of Coffee”. She enters without noticing the cast.
Dame
Hello dears, what are you all sat down here for? If you're waiting for the No 40 to Crookhorn (or local town) it's late and the No 38 is cancelled. Did you hear my lovely, wonderful singing? I could be the next Brittany Spears, what do you think? All I need is a new corset to reach those secret places other corsets don't reach, and maybe a Playtex from the sales to lift and separate (She demonstrates). Well, there's no accounting for taste. (Unbeknown to her, Mustaphaslap and Mustaphatickle creep up to her; she sees them and recoils). It's Slap and Tickle the Sultan's cronies, what are you two creeping about like
Slap Dame Tickle
that for, I nearly jumped out of my skin. But now you're here dears, if you're up for a slap then I'm up for a tickle. (Unceremoniously they grab either arm and drag her US to where the Sultan is seated). You brutes, I said slap and tickle not punch and grapple! Bow to your illustrious Sultan. Certainly but you'll have to help me up again, my old pins need oiling these days. Bow!
A very loud twang is heard and Dame Fatty Ma's drawers fall to the floor.
Dame Sultan Dame Sultan Dame Sultan Dame Sultan Dame Sultan Dame Sultan
There that's torn it, my knicker elastic has gone for a burton! Dame Fatty Ma I solemnly bestow … Bestow, well I've heard it called a lot of things in my time but never that, besides you're married already. I solemnly bestow upon you the ancient honour and … Cut the crap, I accept! “Accept what” … I haven't got to the good bit yet. Your hand in marriage of course dearie, I don't mind sharing with this lot! No, no, no, I'm offering you a position you cannot refuse. Aye, aye! things are looking up. The Royal Food Taster. Er, sorry I couldn't possibly I'm on a diet. (Mustaphaslap and Mustaphatickle draw their swords). But on second thoughts, I accept. Bring on the second course.
Everybody shouts, "Bring on the second course". The Royal Chef claps and the second course is brought on stage on a silver tray.
6
Dame Royal Chef Dame
What is it I'm famished. Boiled sheep’s eyes, served on a bed of braised goats brains with vinaigrette of syrup of figs and sour cream. Oooooh, how lovely, my favourite. You certainly know how to treat a lady.
Dame Fatty Ma tucks into the dish with relish, much to the amazement of the assembled crowd.
Sultan Dame Sultan Dame
Just a minute, that's enough! You're only supposed to taste it, not hoover up the whole lot! Oh don't be a stingy old Sultan, otherwise I might have to hold it against you. You'd better not, this is a family show after all. What's the matter with you, you've gone all green! I've come over all-unnecessary, it must be the scorpion sandwich I had for elevenses. Ooooh, er! (The same sound as before with some extra 'splats'. A stink bomb is let off in the auditorium). Excuse me your Royal Highness but I think I need to be excused, my all-inones have sprung a leak.
Dame Fatty Ma makes a hasty retreat whilst the cast and audience hold their noses.
Sultan Yasmin Sultan El Ranseed Sultan
I'm sorry my dear, we don't seem to be having much luck. That's all right Papa, I'm not feeling all that hungry anyway. Nonsense we’ll have one more try. Alms! Alms! Give me Alms. Ah, the very person.
Enter El Ranseed SL.
El Ranseed Sultan El Ranseed Sultan
El Ranseed Sultan Omnes Sultan
Alms for the poor! Alms! Alms! El Ranseed, my good man, come over here. To hear is to obey my Sultan. I'm fed up with you shouting “Arms! Arms!”, all over the place, especially as you appear to have two perfectly good ones of your own. So I have decided to do something about it. I'm going to … (Interrupting) … Blessed be the day that the almighty Allah smiled upon your endless bounty. Blessed be the … (Interrupting) … What on earth are you blathering on about? Why am I surrounded by idiots that like the sound of their own voice, now shut up, I'm the Sultan not you! Ooooh! The position of Chief Food Taster to the Royal Household has suddenly become vacant, El Ranseed, you need never go hungry again! What do you say to that?
Mustaphaslap and Mustaphatickle take up their usual threatening positions.
El Ranseed Sultan
To hear is to obey. That's settled then, and as luck would have it you can start your duties right away. Chef, bring on the next course.
The Chef claps his/her hands, and a dish of Turkish Delight is brought on.
Royal Chef Sultan
A thousand apologies my Sultan, but all we have left in the Royal kitchens is a box of Fry's Turkish Delight. Ah that sounds as if it should be … "full of Eastern Promise". Help yourself.
El Ranseed selects a piece whilst the cast look on expectantly.
El Ranseed Sultan El Ranseed Sultan
It is good my Sultan. Really, are you sure? I have never tasted finer. Yasmin, oh daughter of mine, accept this as a gift from the hands of your father. 7
Yasmin
Thank you father, but if you have no objection I would like to share this dish of Turkish Delight with everybody. Sultan As you wish Yasmin, but not here, eating in the street is so common. (Yasmin and the Harem exit). Right, now I'm ready for my own bit of Turkish delight. Mustaphaslap, Mustaphatickle, to the Turkish Baths for a good rub down and a jolly good steaming! Slap & Tickle To hear is to obey. Sultan (As the three of them exit). And this time you're not to slap so hard, and I forbid you to tickle, well not too much anyway. El Ranseed So the Jinnee has granted my wish but not in the way I intended! Bah! That miserable Jinnee warned me not to wish for personal gain and now look where it's got me. I might not be hungry ever again but at what cost! I don't know what you lot are smirking about I don't think it's funny at all! However, you vultures, you scarab beetles, you donkey dung, I still have two wishes left, there must be a way around her conditions, there must be! Enter Tickle
Tickle
El Ranseed, come at once. The Sultan wants you to crack his nuts and taste them.
Exit Tickle.
El Ranseed
Bah! I’ll come directly. Don't go away you sand fleas, my devilish mind will think of a plan and then we shall see, what we shall see!
He exits laughing in suitable demonic way.
Scene 3 The Dame is heard inside her house cleaning, she is still half singing half humming "All I Want Is A Proper Cup Of Coffee"
Dame
Oh, hello dears, still here, now you've missed your last bus as well! I'm sorry about what happened earlier, but well … I just couldn't help it, I'm a real glutton when it comes to sheep’s eyes, and do you know what, it's always the same, straight through they go, straight through! Anyway I've put my Tupperware underwear on, that should keep everything fresh.
Ali enters from the Dame's house, pushing past and twirling the Dame around as he does so.
Ali Audience Ali Audience Ali Dame Ali Dame Ali Dame
Hi-ya mum! Hi-ya kids! Knock knock! Who's there? Mary. Mary who? Mary Christmas! Good morning Ali, where's your brother Kassim. Oh the last time I saw him he was trying to get a bucket off his head. A bucket! What bucket? The one I left full of water balanced on top of the door, silly. Of course how stupid of me!
Enter Kassim with a bucket stuck on his head.
Kassim Dame
Mum! Mum! I can't get this stupid old bucket off my head. Oh really! Ali you pull from one end and I'll pull from the other. (The bucket comes off with a pop, everybody falls over. The Dame reveals her underwear, Kassim and Ali snigger).
Ali Dame Kassim
What are you two sniggering at, there's nothing wrong with sensible underwear! Sensible! The last time I saw anything like that was the big top at the circus! Cheek! Did you put that bucket of water on top of the door? 8
Ali Kassim Ali Kassim Ali
What bucket? That bucket! I might have done. Right now you're for it, I'm going to get you for that! Mum! Mum! Kassim's going to get me!
The two boys race round the Dame while she spins around with them.
Dame
Oh my giddy aunt! That is enough, I've split my gusset and twisted my bloomers! Now shake hands and make up.
Reluctantly the two boys shake hands. However seeing the opportunity Ali squeezes Kassim's hand very hard.
Kassim Ali Kassim Ali Kassim Ali Kassim Dame
Mum! Ali squeezed my hand! Didn't! Did! Didn't! Did! Didn't! Didn't! Didn't! Did! Did! Did! Dib! Dib! Dib!
The Dame has both boys in a headlock.
Ali & Kassim Dob! Dob! Dob! Dame Now give your old Mum a big sloppy kiss. She does so and the two boys react accordingly
Ali Dame Ali Dame Ali Dame
Mum what's the best thing to put into a Christmas cake? Your teeth! Now help your brother lay the dinner table. I think we'll eat ‘al fresco’. Al Fresco! I've never had it, what's it like? It's not an it you silly boy, it just means we'll eat outside, now be a good boy and help me with the table. Oh, why didn't you say so in the first place. I did! Uh! Not another word and close your mouth, you look like you are catching flies or something.
During the next section the table is set for dinner. A lot of silly business ensues (ie as one brings on a chair another takes it off. China plates are thrown on, a stack of plates all joined together wobble on, which look like they will crash to the floor at any minute, etc).
Kassim Dame Ali Dame Ali Dame Ali Kassim Dame Ali Dame Kassim Omnes
Ma, can I have a dog for Christmas. No, you can have turkey like everyone else. Did you hear what happened to Mustapha's baby yesterday? No. He ate the Christmas decorations and now he's got tinselitus. What do reindeer say before telling a joke? I don't know what do reindeer say before telling a joke? I don't know what do reindeer say before telling a joke? This one will sleigh you. Why couldn't the skeleton go to the Christmas party … because he had no body to go with! Oooh! That's a terrible joke! Why does Father Christmas like to work in his garden … because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe! What did Adam say on the day before Christmas … It's Christmas … Eve! (Suddenly the table is laid very quickly). Twinkle twinkle chocolate bar Santa drives a rusty car. 9
Ali Kassim Omnes
Press the starter. Press the choke. Off he goes in a cloud of smoke!
They all sit down together.
Ali & Kassim Dame Ali & Kassim Dame Ali & Kassim Dame Ali & Kassim Dame Ali Dame Kassim Dame Ali Dame
What does Father Christmas write on his Christmas cards? I don't know what does Father Christmas write on his Christmas cards? ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ! I don't get it. ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ! I still don't get it. No 'L' of course! Silly, stupid mum etc. Ooooh, you two! What's to eat Ma, I'm starving! Well let me see, here we are. (She produces one Coco Pop each). One for you, and one for you, and one for me. What's this? A Coco Pop dear. Where's the rest? I don't know they must have popped off somewhere! Popped of somewhere (She collapses in a heap of laughter).
Ali Kassim Dame Ali Dame
This measly Coco Pop isn't enough, what else is there? How about Cornflakes! Oh I never buy them dear, beside there's enough corn in this panto to last a whole year! How about scrambled eggs on toast! I think somebody must have scrambled your brains, we're so poor I can't remember what an egg looks like! Ali That's funny because you've got egg all over your face. Dame It's no good boys we've had our chips ‌ Ali What chips? I haven't had any chips! Dame We've come to the end. Kassim To the end? To the end of what? Ali We haven't even started yet! Dame It's the end of the road for us! Ali What road? Kassim I think you've finally lost your marbles! Dame Will you two shut up! You're ruining my big dramatic bit! We've come to the end boys, we've come to the end of the ‌ Ali & Kassim Lollipop! They all sing in a three part harmony.
MUSIC NO 3 : COMIC TRIO (DAME, ALI & KASSIM) When you come to the end of a lollipop To the end, to the end of a lollipop When you come to the end of a lollipop Pop goes your heart Gilly oh golly I do like my lolly Right down to the very last lick But what can you do with it When you are through with it All you have left is the stick 10
When you come to the end of a lollipop To the end, to the end of a lollipop When you come to the end of a lollipop Pop goes your heart Kassim Dame
Ali Kassim Dame Ali Dame Ali Dame
Surely we must have something left to eat. Well I'll just take one last look in the cupboard, I mean you never know I could have missed a little something. (She exits into the house. Then from offstage…) Ah-ha! Silly me, why didn't I see this before. Oooh, what do you think she's found? Mint choc-chip ice cream? Or a humungus box of Pringles? Here we are. (She enters holding a silver salver. Underneath the cover is an old boot, the sole of which is edible but chewy). There! What's that? What's it look like? An old boot! No, no, no, it's a Dover sole.
The Dame removes the top part of the boot and throws it over her shoulder.
Kassim Ali Omnes Dame Ali
We can't eat that! Besides those boots were made for walking … (singing) “… and that's just what they’ll do …” Well boys that's all there is. (The Dame carves the sole). You can have the tootsies, I'll have the middle fillet and you can have the end. I feel a right heel eating this.
They endeavour to eat the sole.
Dame Kassim Ali Dame Ali Dame
Kassim Ali Dame
It's no good, my poor old clackers/gnashers aren't up to this. Neither are mine. (Having eaten his portion). Any seconds? Here, have mine. I'm sorry boys, there's only one thing for it, you'll just have to go out to work. Oh, not again, I tried it once and didn't like it. I'm sorry, I know it's hard, but do it for your old Mum, and I tell you what. I'll leave it all up to you to buy the shopping, and we'll cook it together when you get back. Now go and collect some firewood and sell it in the Bazaar. Cheerio mum. Don't do anything I wouldn’t do! Well that gives me a free hand! Bye bye, boys, missing you already, Say goodbye everybody, bye bye!
Exit Dame
Scene 4
The Love Scene.
The Dame retires into her house as the two boys exit. However Kassim returns almost immediately to get something, a hat or a bag perhaps.
Kassim
Yasmin Kassim Yasmin Kassim
I'll catch you up. (On the other side of the stage, Princess Yasmin also enters. Both are not looking where they are going and they collide). Why don't you watch where you're going you stupid son of a donkey. I'm sorry, I er … (Seeing her for the first time). You're sorry! No, I, er, I, er, I'm the one that should be sorry. Please allow me to help you. It's all right, I can manage. No please, I insist. What are you doing in this part of town anyway? 11
Yasmin Kassim Yasmin Kassim Yasmin Kassim Yasmin Kassim Yasmin Kassim Yasmin Kassim Yasmin Kassim Yasmin Kassim Yasmin Kassim
Well, I, er, ‌ I mean I've not seen you round here before, I would have remembered if I had. I do live in Baghdad, but not in this part of town. Do you live here? You could say that. Exist might be a better word. Oh. Look, I was, er, oh nothing. No go on. Well I was wondering if ‌ Faint heart never won fair lady. Well, I was wondering if we could see each other again. Yes, I would really like that. Oh, it doesn't really matter it was a silly idea anyway. I would very much like to see you again. You would! Gosh! (He becomes starry eyed and stupid). What's the matter? Well I've never met anyone quite like you before. I know what you mean, I feel the same way about you. You do, gosh!
MUSIC NO 4 : SONG AND DANCE ROUTINE. DUET (PRINCESS YASMIN & KASSIM) Enter Mustaphaslap
Slap Kassim Slap
Ah there you are Yasmin. Yasmin. I've been looking everywhere for you. Your Father wants you, you're to come at once.
Enter Ali.
Ali Yasmin
Kassim! What do you think you are doing? I'm not going to do everything! Kassim.
They exit and go their separate ways.
Scene5 El Ranseed enters SR, laughing a wicked laugh.
El Ranseed
Didn't I say I would think of a dastardly plan to thwart that Jinnee, you miserable bunch of rotten figs! (He laughs). That stupid Jinnee is no match for me! Today I am El Ranseed the beggar, but tomorrow, I am El Ranseed the Sultan of Baghdad! (He laughs a devilish laugh). Now where is that Jinnee of the can. (He searches his robes and produces a battered can of El Seven Up). One little rub on this and hey presto!
There is a flash and the Jinnee appears.
Jinnee El Ranseed Jinnee El Ranseed Jinnee El Ranseed Jinnee El Ranseed Jinnee El Ranseed
Salutations, oh great master. What is your command? First of all you little green snake, I would like to thank you for making my first wish come true, I'm not hungry anymore. I am pleased to have been of assistance. However the job does have certain drawbacks. I did try to warn you master. Now let me get this straight, I still have two wishes left? That is correct. And I cannot wish for personal gain otherwise the wish will turn against me? That is correct, Master. I was wondering if, under your terms and conditions, it would it be possible to change places with someone? 12
Jinnee El Ranseed Jinnee El Ranseed Jinnee El Ranseed Jinnee
Why certainly Master. And once I have stated my wish you are obliged to grant it. That is so. In that case my little green friend, my second wish is to change places with you! No Master, you do not know what you ask! Do it! By the powers of the almighty Jinn, to hear is to obey!
There is a peel of thunder and a lightning flash, followed by DBO.
El Ranseed
(Demonic Laughing). I feel the power. I am invincible, there is nothing that can stop me!
Now to the Palace, it's time for a new ruler!
Scene 6 The Dame enters carrying a wicker basket of washing. As usual she is singing to herself “All I Want Is A Proper Cup Of Coffee".
Dame
Oh hello dears, you're still here then. I'm just about to do my weekly wash. Weekly wash, that's a laugh, it takes me a week to do it! I don't know what my boys get up to, but well, just take a look at this (Holds up dirty washing). Mind you, my life has been made a lot easier with this new washing powder, 'Zappoclean'! Transformed I am, transmogrified. It's so simple, all I have to do is dip it in and it's done. Well, I can't stand around here talking to you lot all day, here we go! Into the hot Into the cold Up to the nose Sweet as a rose. Right, I'll just hang this up here (Singing). Tra-la-la! Now what have we here, oh it's some of my sexy underwear. (She holds up a tiny pair of knickers). Oh those were the days, I bought them for old times sake in the Bazaar last week, they were going for a thong … going for a thong … oh, please yourselves. Tra-la-la (She hangs up the thong with the other item). Now what's next, tra-la-la, ah-ha, a pair of Ali's socks. Here we go. Into the hot Into the cold Up to the nose Sweet as a … The Dame repeats the business three or four times, each time slightly quicker than the last. Then, on the final attempt …
Into the hot Into the cold Up to the nose And off they goes I think they must have passed their sell-by date. (She throws the offending socks into the wings and returns to her washing. Unbeknown to her Abdul The Camel peers round the set. The 'Look Behind You’ gag is played, ad-lib. "Who are you calling a camel?" etc etc, Then eventually…). Oh there you are dear, come out and meet the children. You won't! Why
not? You're shy! … oh don't be a silly, there's nothing to be frightened of, we don't bite you know. (To audience). Perhaps if we all shout something nice he'll come out, what shall we shout? (Appeals to the audience to find a suitable word or phrase). OK, after three. One, Two, Three! … (Abdul makes his entrance). There we are, see, it wasn't that bad was it? Now what's your name dear? (Abdul whispers) … You don't know? Oh! How old are you? … You don't know? Oh! Where's your Mum and Dad … You don't know? Oh! You don't 13
know very much do you? (Abdul stands on the Dame's foot). Yeee-ow! You're standing on my foot, you hulking great brute! (Abdul looks subdued). I'm sorry dear but you were standing on my bunions. (Abdul puts his head on her shoulder). Oh there, there. Are you lost with nowhere to go? You are, oh dear, oh dear. Well, I'm afraid you can't stay with me, I can hardly feed myself let alone a … It's not possible. I can't let him stay can I? (Play the “Oh yes you can! Oh no I can't!” gag). Oh, well all right, we'll just have to make do somehow. But you'll have to earn your keep. Now what can you do dear? (Abdul whispers again). Ooooh, you used to work in a night club … as a speciality act, oooh! What did you do? … A tap dance, well I hope you didn't fall in the sink! (Abdul nudges the Dame). Only kidding dear, well this I must see. (To the MD). Oi! Yes you! You haven't been doing much lately how about some music … a one, a one, a one, two three four! (Abdul performs a comic dance). That was lovely dear, give him the clap he so richly deserves. Mind you I'm not sure how useful a tap dancing camel might be, oh well never mind. Well dear, if you are going to live here with us you're going to need a name. My last camel was called Abdul, I used to use him when I fancied a bit. (Aside to the adults). Oh, I see you know that joke too! Well at least we've found our level … when I fancied a bit of shopping! I think I still have his name tag somewhere (She rummages about and produces a name tag with 'Abdul' written on it). Ah here we are! (She places it around the camel’s neck). Abdul the 2nd, how about that? Well dear, I can't stand around here all day I've got things to do you know! Now you lot, try and make yourselves useful. If anybody tries to steal my washing, shout out “Abdul” as loud as you can and whoever it is, you can chase them off, will you do that? (Abdul shakes his head in agreement). Good, well let's have a practise shall we. I’ll pretend to be a burglar. (Abdul exits and the Dame hides, she begins to creep up on the washing, the audience shout). That's not loud enough! You'll have to do better than that, I'm going a bit deaf in my old age. Let's try again. (They repeat the business). Oh that's much better, I've never heard such a ballyhoo! I really feel safe now. Right, I really must be getting on. Abdul, be a lert, the country needs lerts, and you lot, stand guard. Bye Bye! Cheerio!
Scene 7 The Dame exits. It is not very long before Mustaphaslap and Mustaphatickle enter. They try to creep up on the washing and as the audience shout, they leap in the air and exit. Abdul runs on stage but does not see them. Repeat the business, with the Dame catching them.
Dame Slap Tickle Dame Tickle Dame Slap Dame Tickle Slap Dame Tickle Slap Dame Tickle Slap Dame
Ah-ha! Caught you red handed Red handed? My wife's got a red head. No hair, just a red head, I've heard it before! Thank you very much Abdul, I'll take it from here. (Exit Abdul). Now what are you two skulking around my back passage for, eh? Sultan's orders. Sultan's orders! Yes, there's been a change of regime, the new Sultan has sent us off to collect the taxes. New Sultan? Collect Taxes? What's happened to the old Sultan? Bit of a mystery that. He abdicated. Abdicated? What’s that mean? He's mysteriously given up his throne … … in favour of El Ranseed the beggar man. But that's absurd. But true. And that's not all, if anybody so much as raises an eyebrow in complaint, they're mysteriously struck dumb. Struck dumb? 14
Tickle Dame Slap Tickle Slap Dame Tickle Dame Both Dame Slap Dame Tickle Dame Tickle Dame Tickle Dame Slap Dame Tickle Slap Dame Tickle Slap Dame Tickle Slap Dame Slap Tickle Slap
As if by magic. How peculiar. It gets worse, the old Sultan begged El Ranseed … On his hands and knees. To become the new food taster! Well I never. There's more. More? He's turned green! Green! Yep, green! So hand over your dosh we've got work to do. I'm exempt, on account of not having a bean to my name. Sorry doesn't count. Well how much tax do I owe? Well, (consulting a large ledger), considering your circumstances, the Sultan has set your level of tax at, er, let me see, ah here we are …‘astronomical’. Oh, well that's all right, at least I can afford it. But exactly how much is ‘astronomical’? Er, well, if we round it all up to the nearest Dinar it comes to............. six hundred and ninety two Dinars exactly. Six hundred and ninety two Dinars! That's outrageous! No just astronomical. But I haven't got that sort of money, well certainly not of my own anyway. Well whose money have you got? We don't care whose money it is, just as long as you pay up. I was wondering if you boys could help me out and well, lend me some money. Possibly. But when would we get it back? Well, as Allah is my witness if you are not satisfied with the deal, you can have it back immediately. Well that sounds fair enough, what do you think? It's all right by me. Good, now how much have you got? Er, I've got, er, seventy Dinars. And I've got fifty Dinars I've been saving for a rainy day. You'll keep it a long time in this heat!
The Dame takes the money.
Dame Slap Dame Tickle Dame Slap Dame Slap Dame Slap Dame Tickle
Right, please will you accept this one hundred and ten Dinah's on account. You can't pay us with that. Why not, you said you didn't mind whose money it was, so long as you were paid. We don't, just as long as it isn't our money! Well in that case, as agreed, I will repay the money immediately! Now who is going to accept it I will. I'll just count it to make sure it is all there. Five, ten, how many years have you been working for the Palace? Fifteen years. Twenty, do you live at home? Yes, next to Dirty Gertie at number thirty! Really, thirty-five, forty. My Grandma was eighty-five last birthday. 15
Dame Slap Dame
Slap Tickle Dame Slap Dame Both Tickle
Good heavens eighty-five! Ninety, ninety-five ‌ Pah! That's nothing, my grandma will be a hundred and ten in January so there! Amazing, it must be the syrup of figs. Now where was I, oh yes, one hundred and ten, one hundred and fifteen, last but not least, one hundred and twenty! There you are, all your money back and no harm done. Thank you very much. A pleasure doing business with you. Don't mention it. Well if you don't mind ‌ I don't mind and he doesn't matter! I must be getting along. (Exiting) Ta Ta! Ta Ta! You don't often meet with such honesty these days do you?
They exit. The Dame reappears delighted with her cash.
Dame
Ha Ha! I'm rich, I'm rich!
She performs a silly dance. The defrocked Jinnee enters
Jinnee Dame Jinnee Dame Jinnee
Alms! Alms! Oh well never mind, easy come easy go. Your need is much greater than mine. Here you are, half each. Thank you my dear, your generosity knows no bounds. May the sands of plenty never run out of your purse. Everything else does. Alms! Alms!
They exit.
Scene 8
The Slosh Scene
Enter Ali and Kassim.
Ali Dame Kassim Ali Dame Ali Dame Kassim
Mum! Mum! We've got it! Got what? The dough of course! A whole bucket full! Lovely, lovely, lovely! Ha Ha! What goes round comes round! Hand it over! What all of it? Of course. Here you are then, that's all of it.
Kassim hands over a bucket of dough.
Dame Ali & Kassim Dame Ali Kassim Dame Ali Dame Kassim Dame Kassim
What's this? A bucket of dough. I thought you said you had a bucket of money! Where's the dosh? This isn't dosh, it's dough from the bakers! You said if we went out to work, we could buy the shopping. So I did, I must be slipping! That's pre-mixed dough that is, you know like concrete. I bet it is! Come on, what else have you bought? Figs! Don't be rude. No figs, look!
He gives the Dame a box of figs.
16
Dame Ali Kassim Dame Ali Dame Kassim Dame
It's empty! So it is. Ali! That was full when we bought it! Have you been eating these? Well, maybe one or two along the way! You're worse than useless, you really are. Mum you can't say worse than useless, you're either useless or your not. I mean if you're useless you can't be more useless than useless. It's all a matter of … Shut up!
Abdul enters and stands behind Ali, unsuspecting he turns, sees Abdul and leaps into the Dame's arms.
Ali Ah! It's a dirty great camel with the hump! Dame No it isn't, it's Abdul the second. Abdul, this is Ali and this is Kassim. Ali & Kassim Howdoyoudo. (They bow to Abdul and shake hands with each other). Howdoyoudo. They shake hands again with each other, and also with the Dame. Ad-lib until the Dame has had enough.
Dame Ali Dame Ali Dame Ali Dame Kassim Dame Ali Dame Ali Dame Ali Dame Ali Dame Ali Dame Ali
That's enough of that! You're making my head spin. You look all transmogrified! No doubt. Now as luck would have it, while you two were away, I managed to swindle some dosh out of Slap and Tickle. Brilliant. So while Kassim and I get to work on this dough, you and Abdul can run along to the Akram stores for some eggs. I'm going to bake a cake. Oh no, the last time you baked a cake, Rentokil wanted the recipe! Oooh! What a nerve! You've heard of Cordon Bleu cooking, well Mum’s cooking is cordoned off! I'll thump you two in a minute! Ali go and get the eggs like I asked you to, here this should be enough. (She produces some cash from her bosom). Oooh! It's still warm! Cheek! Off you go then. Righty-ho Ma. Oh, Ali. Yes Ma? As I'm feeling rather flush today, let's treat ourselves to a nice bottle of wine. What sort of wine do you want? Oh, I don't know, a cross between Muscatel and Hock would be nice. Oh, Muck you mean? Right that's it, I've just about had enough of you today! Oooh-er she's got her knickers in a twist. Come on Abdul, let's get out of here!
Ali and the Camel exit.
Dame Kassim Dame Kassim Dame Kassim Dame Kassim Dame
Good that’s got rid of him! Kassim! Where do you think you’re sneaking off to? I want you to roll out the pastry while I go and get my pinny on! OK Ma, what with? The rolling pin of course. Mum. What now? Where's the rolling pin, Mum? Where do you think! It's where it's always kept, under the table numskull! Right-oh Ma, leave it with me, don't worry about a thing! (She almost says something, but thinks better of it) … Oh never mind, It's not worth the trouble! 17
Exit Dame. Music starts. Using the rolling pin from under the table Kassim rolls out the dough as quickly as possible. In an attempt to flatten it he first hits it with the rolling pin and then with a mallet, finally he sits on it. To make the dough square he cuts the edges off with a carpenters saw. The Dame re-enters wearing a ridiculous pinny.
Dame Kassim Dame
Kassim Dame Kassim Dame
Kassim Dame Kassim Dame Kassim Dame Kassim Dame
Kassim Dame Kassim Dame Kassim Dame Kassim Dame Kassim Dame Kassim Dame Kassim
Oh Kassim, that's splendid I couldn't have done better myself. That's not saying much! But I do think you should have wiped everything down first. There's one thing I can't stand, and that's a grubby kitchen! Tra-la-la etc. (She busily wipes the table and anything in sight with the dough, including her armpits). There we are clean as a pin. Mum, that's disgusting I’m not eating that now! What do you mean? Look, it's covered in horrible black bits and it's got that grease ball stain out of the table, that even Mr Muscle couldn't shift! Don't be so fussy, I'll clean this up in a jiffy! (She lays the dough on the table and wipes it with her pinny, then brushes it off finally with a dustpan and brush). There we are, good as new! Now all we need to do is season it! I might just as well! (He sneezes on the pastry) What in the name of Allah are you doing? You said sneeze on it, so I'm sneezing on it. (He does it again) Not sneeze on it, you cloth head, I said season it! Oh, if you want a job done ... Right, while I finish off here, you go and get the rest of the ingredients. If you say so. (He exits, and returns almost immediately with a box about the size of a shoe box). Here we are, just look at them all scurrying about, eating everything in sight. What are you talking about? Greedy ants of course, that's what you asked for isn't it? Ingredients! Ingredients! You gormless goon! Now go and get me a little flour, this dough is far too gooey for my liking. (Whilst Kassim is off stage the Dame sings her favourite song. Kassim returns almost immediately with a flower.) I said a little flour, not a rose! It's not a rose it's a chrysanthemum. Rose. Chrysanthemum Rose. Chrysanthemum Spell it! (Pause) … It's a rose! Right, now I need you to knead the dough. But I don't need the dough. No, no, no, my rheumatism is playing up and I need you to knead the dough. But I don't need the … Shut up, and get on with it. OK, keep your hair on.
Kassim tips the dough on the table and uses his knees to press up and down on it.
Dame Kassim Dame Kassim Dame Kassim
What are you doing? Kneading the dough like you said. Not like that you great pudding. That's it! Numbskull, gormless and pudding! I've had enough, you can do it yourself, I'm off! You're driving me out of my mind! Well you won't have far to go then will you!
Exit Kassim
18
Dame
Oh dear, I think I might have upset him. Oh well, never mind, I'll just have to curry on without him, ooops! Curry on, wait a minute what a good idea … curry cake! I know I’ve got some somewhere. Ah! Here we are! (She produces a bag of curry powder from under the table and liberally coats the dough with curry powder). Tra-la-la! When this is ready I think we might hear a few bottom burps!
Enter Abdul and Ali.
Ali Dame Ali Dame Ali Dame Ali Dame Ali Dame Ali
Here we are mum, half a dozen eggs. And about time too, hand them over. Certainly! (He takes out an egg and accidentally breaks it in the Dame's hand). Ooops! Sorry about that. You clumsy oaf, look what you've done, just hand me the box. Right-oh. Hey this box is half empty! No it's not it's half full! (The Dame gives Ali a withering look). Sorry Ma, I dropped a few along the way practising my new trick. Trick? What trick? It's dead simple. How to catch an egg on a plate. This I have got to see! Here we go then, egg - plate, plate - egg!
He throws the egg in the air, and brings the plate up to catch it.
Dame
That's amazing! Here, let me have a go!
She grabs the egg and throws it into the air, as she turns to pick up the plate the egg smashes onto the floor!
Ali Dame
Ali Dame Ali Dame
Not like that, you've got to get the plate ready first! Well why didn't you say so before, you really are a stupid boy at times. Let's have another go. (This time she throws a trick egg up and brings the plate up hard to meet it. The egg breaks, and covers the front row in water). Oh dear, I'm not sure I've got the hang of this at all. You're telling me! Do you know what … What? You're a complete disaster. But honest! I'll try just once more, Ali, hand me another egg. (Before Ali can respond, a hairy Gorilla enters. Ali is instantly struck dumb and runs off). Well hurry up, I'm losing my concentration. (The gorilla hands the Dame an egg). Right! It's no good I can't do it, you're all making far too much noise. I just can't concentrate. There's a what? A gorilla! Don't be daft. What, behind me? No, no, I don't believe you. (Very frightened). I'll take a look. (She does so). There's nothing behind me! (The gorilla runs off). It went behind here … there's nothing there … if there was a gorilla, you must have frightened it off. Right here we go! Egg - plate, plate - egg! (She throws the egg in the air. The gorilla catches the egg, unseen by the Dame, and runs off with it. The Dame looks around in disbelief). This is ridiculous! What goes up must come down. (Whilst the Dame is searching the sky, the gorilla enters and kicks her up the backside). Who did that? (Adlib: Play the ‘Look Behind You’ gag, as the gorilla mirrors the Dame until finally she gets an idea and looks between her legs. The gorilla smashes the egg on her backside and runs off before the Dame knows what has hit her). What a nerve! That Gorilla splatted the last egg all over my bottie! (Realising what she has just said). Gorilla! Golly golly gum drops! We don't see many of
Ali Dame Ali Dame
them around here, apart from Slap and Tickle and they don't count. Mum, has it gone? Has what gone? The Gorilla of course. Oooo-er! You saw it as well. 19
Ali Dame Ali Dame
I certainly did! I thought it was a mirage or a … More like a mirror image. Excuse me! Or a figment of my imagination.
Enter Kassim with a bunch of bananas.
Kassim Dame Kassim Ali Dame Kassim
Ali Kassim Ali Kassim Ali Kassim Ali Kassim
Hey mum, look what I've found! Good heavens, where did you find them? Let's just say they fell off the back of a camel. Yippee, bananas and custard for tea! What a good idea, you two peel the bananas, while I make some custard. I really love bananas, they're my favourite. (The Gorilla enters and pinches the top of his open banana without Kassim realising). Hey! Where's the top of my banana? Have you eaten my banana? Of course not, I didn't touch your rotten old nana, did I kids? (They shout that the Gorilla took it). See I told you, the Gorilla took it. Gorilla! I don't believe you, we don't get Gorillas around here. Oh yes we do. Oh no we don't. Oh yes we do. Oh no we don't. Do! Do! Do! Well I don't trust you, I'm going to stand here where I can see you!
He stands behind Ali. The Gorilla creeps up behind Kassim and steals the other half. Kassim grabs the Gorilla's arm which makes him growl just as the Dame re-enters.
Dame
Manners! (Kassim runs off with the Gorilla in hot pursuit). Where's Kassim? Oh never mind, all the more for us. Right Ali, be a good chap and pass me that banana. (Ali passes the banana to the Dame, who passes it to the Gorilla, who is standing next to the Dame). Just a minute, who took that banana? (The Gorilla squishes the banana on the Dame's forehead). Right that's it, Gorilla or no Gorilla, he's for it!
She grabs the rolling pin and chases the Gorilla offstage. Ali, rather nervously, peers offstage. The Gorilla reappears upstage and pours the bowl of custard over Ali's head. Gorilla exits. Enter the Dame.
Dame
It's no good I couldn't catch him. (Seeing Ali). Ali! You stupid boy! What do you think you are doing? There's no banana's and now there's no custard either!
Enter Kassim with two small hand-held water-pistols.
Kassim
It's all right Ma, I'll save you! Here Ali, take one of these.
The Gorilla peers round the set. Repeat of the “Behind You” gag etc. Eventually the Gorilla enters with a really big water pistol. The grand chase ensues and everybody gets wet, including the audience.
Interval
20
ACT 2 Scene 1 The Sultan's litter is positioned USC. The act opens with the Dame leading the boys in a comic song and dance routine (eg the Wilson, Kepple & Betty ‘Sand Dance’).
MUSIC NO 5 : ‘THE OLD BAZAAR IN CAIRO’ (DAME, ALI & KASSIM). Dame
Hello dears! Hello everybody, hello! Did you have a nice interval? You did, oh good. Well let me tell you while you have been away such a lot has been going on! That El Ranseed has gone from bad to worse he has, bad to worse! Baghdad used to be such a happy place now look at it! Oh here comes the Sultan's miserable Harem, I think they need cheering up, I think we all need cheering up. (The chorus enter in a somewhat dejected miserable manner). Hello girls, my you do look fed up. What you need is a jolly good sing-song and a bit of the old baba-shoom. Come on, help me out a little. Music maestro, please.
MUSIC NO 6 : SONG AND DANCE ROUTINE. (FULL CHORUS) Girl 1 Girl 2 Girl 1 Girl 3 Girl 4 Girl 2 Dame
I'm sorry Dame Fatty Ma but I just don't feel like dancing any more. Neither do I Or singing for that matter! Nor me! Or me. Everything's changed. Oh well, I did my best. Cheerio everybody, bye for now, bye.
Exit Dame. The girls say goodbye.
Girl 2 Girl 3 Girl 4 Girl 2 Girl 1 Girl 3 Girl 4 Girl 2 Girl 1 Girl 2 Girl 1 Girl 3 Girl 1 Girl 3 Girl 1
It's just not the same without the old Sultan. No. I agree. I don't understand how it all changed the way it did. And so quickly too! I mean why should anyone want to give up being 'The Sultan of Baghdad' and change places with that horrible El Ranseed the beggar man! It just doesn't make sense. Especially as food tasters don't seem to last very long around here. You don't think it was magic do you? Could be. I mean every time anybody tries to complain. Or even thinks about complaining. They mysteriously start sneezing! Or they can't speak! Or their hand gets stuck on their mouth, like this.
She demonstrates and her hand becomes stuck on her mouth.
Girl 2 Girl 3 Girl 4 Guard Girl 3 Girl 4
And why has El Rancid turned green? Maybe he's been taken over by a Jinnee? Anything is possible these days. Make way! Make way! For El Ranseed the mighty, Sultan of Baghdad, light of the East. Make way! Oh no, look out he's coming! Quick let's go before he gets here. 21
The girls attempt to exit SL, but El Ranseed blocks their path. In his hand he is holding a long silver chain which is attached to a collar around the neck of the Old Sultan, who is waiting in the wings.
El Ranseed Girl 2 Girl 3 El Ranseed
Girl 1 Girl 2 Girl 3 Girl 4 Girl 1 El Ranseed Omnes El Ranseed
And just where do you think you are going, my pretty little mice or should I say bunnies (Pelvic thrust). Oh nowhere. We were just on our way back to the palace oh Great One. Mmmm, a likely story. Well, just this once I'll let it pass, but if I find out you've been lying to me, you'll all regret it! Now my beauties, I feel like being pampered, entertain me with a dance. We're too tired master. I feel sick, I can't dance another step. My feet ache! I don't feel like it. What! Don't you know who I am, I command you to dance. (Ad-lib). You're our Lord and Master. Your our beloved Sultan. Please don't make us dance, etc. Stop! Enough I say! All this babbling is giving me a headache! (He produces an ancient leather bottle with a stopper).
Let silence reign on voices sweet, Come hither and your fate you’ll meet, So into the bottle you must go, Because I command that it should be so. (The girls try to speak but they cannot as El Ranseed has temporarily trapped their voices in the bottle. He takes the top off and replaces it, we momentarily hear the girls voices. He does this a number of times). Ah silence is golden, don't you think? The clacking of women’s
tongues can be so tiresome! Don't worry my beauties, I'll let your voices out again in due course, but now I desire you to dance! (Clapping his hands, the girls involuntary
Guard El Ranseed Guard El Ranseed Guard El Ranseed Royal Chef El Ranseed Sultan El Ranseed Royal Chef El Ranseed Royal Chef El Ranseed
perform a belly dance around him, he laughs in a maniacal way. After some time he releases them from the spell). Enough! Badr and Dunyazad, plump up my cushions, I desire to sit and be fanned. The rest of you may go back to the palace. (They exit). Come, I have need of you now, you snivelling sewer rat. (He pulls on the chain, and a somewhat dishevelled old Sultan appears on the end of it). Dates, bring me dates! Here you are my Sultan. (He hands El Ranseed a calendar).
I don't want a calendar! Why am I surrounded by idiots, I want dates to eat, you boorish bungling buffoon! Sorry I'm sure. Shut up and get me some dates! Call the Royal Chef! Don't bellow in my ear! (The Chef enters with a tray of dates). Ah there you are! (In a smarmy manner). Why don't you try one. With pleasure, oh Great One. “With pleasure, oh Great One” is it? Perhaps the other side is poisoned! You! (To the Old Sultan). Take one from the other side. To hear is to obey. (He speaks in a lifeless monotone manner). What are you preparing for the wedding feast? Wedding? What wedding? Ah yes, how remiss of me, I have taken it into my head to marry the Princess Yasmin … tonight! Does she know, your Royal Highness? Not yet, but she soon will! Call for the Princess Yasmin. 22
Guard El Ranseed Guard El Ranseed Guard
Call the Princess Yasmin! I told you, don't bellow in my ear, you sand fly! Go and fetch her! To hear is to obey. I will fly like the wind, faster than a speeding arrow, swifter than a hawk, quicker than the fleetest camel, I will return before I have left, I will seek out … Not at this rate you won’t. Be gone before I turn you into a jabbering monkey! I am gone already!
El Ranseed gives him a withering look and he runs off immediately.
El Ranseed Royal Chef El Ranseed Royal Chef El Ranseed Guard
El Ranseed
Now my goggling gourmet, as I was saying what are you going to prepare for my wedding feast? Er, well, oh Great One, Light of the East! Father of all … Yes, yes, yes … get on with it. What would you like me to cook your highness? Allah give me strength … you're the chef! Prepare me a feast to feast the eyes! A feast sumptuous to behold, more wondrous than the stars in the heavens! My Lord and bountiful master, the Princess Yasmin said she would not come to your summons. Further more, (reading from a notebook), she said you are, and I quote: “nothing but a dirty old beggar man; your breath stinks like a mangy old camel and your face looks like a constipated dung beetle". No offence, your Royal Highness, Light of the Eastern Moon, but she does have a point. Oh she does, does she, we'll soon see about that! (He does something horrible to the guard). Constipated dung beetle indeed! (He makes an imaginary lasso and throws it off stage. He then mimes pulling on the rope, eventually a struggling Princess Yasmin appears).
So I look like a constipated dung beetle do I, and my breath stinks like a mangy camel and I’m nothing but a dirty old beggar man! Well, my little parcel of Turkish delight, your father has something to say to you! Sultan (In a monotone). Yasmin, light of my heart, at last a suitable suitor suits! I give you as wife to El Ranseed the Sultan of Baghdad. Yasmin Never, I would rather die first … and besides I love another! El Ranseed Is that so! Well my dear, I'm sure you will come round to the idea in time. (He puts her in a trance, and the Royal Chef who has been watching intently is also put in a trance). Now you are in my power, I am the only one, is that not so? Yasmin Yes my lord and master. Royal Chef El Ranseed performs a double take and snaps his fingers in annoyance at which point the Royal Chef comes out of the trance.
El Ranseed
That's better, see I knew you would come round to my way of thinking sooner or later. (To the Chef). Are you still here? I thought I ordered you to prepare my wedding feast. Royal Chef There is only one tiny little problem your magnificence. El Ranseed Enlighten me! Royal Chef I have completely run out of ingredients, the palace larder is empty. El Ranseed Well fill it! Royal Chef Yes, yes at once, your greatness, just as soon as you hand over the odd shekel or two and I'll … El Ranseed Oh if it's money you want, why didn't you say so before! Send for the chancellor, the Grand Vizier. Guard Call the Grand Vizier. El Ranseed I've told you before, don't bellow in my ear you moronic buffoon, go and get him! Grand Vizier There is no need I was passing and I heard the call. What is your desire, oh great one.
23
El Ranseed
I will permit you to be the first to congratulate me, I am going to marry the Princess Yasmin tonight and the Royal Chef needs money to buy provisions for my wedding feast. Grand Vizier The people of Baghdad are very poor my Lord, and the previous Sultan did not like to burden them with unnecessary taxation. I am afraid you are virtually penniless El Ranseed Well exactly how much do I have? Grand Vizier Er, (consulting a ledger), exactly two Dinars and a Shekel. El Ranseed Two Dinars and a Shekel! When I was a beggar, I made more than that in half an hour! Go and get some provisions on account. Royal Chef On account of what? El Ranseed On account that I'm the new Sultan and I don't take no for an answer! Now get out of my sight the pair of you! (They leave by walking backwards, bowing as they go). Ah, here comes Mustaphaslap and Mustaphatickle perhaps they've had better luck. Slap & Tickle Greetings, oh Great One. May the light of wisdom ever darken your door, may the promise of … El Ranseed (Interrupting) Shut up or I'll darken something else in a minute, how much did you get? Slap We did very well. Tickle Very well indeed. Slap Here you are. (He hands over a large sack). El Ranseed I knew it! The people of Baghdad are very poor indeed! What's this? Where's all the money? I thought I sent you two off to collect the taxes. Slap Ah yes, we had a very slight problem there. Tickle Yes nobody had any money. Slap So we accepted IOU’s instead. Tickle There's a small fortune in there. Slap I mean it's better than nothing after all. El Ranseed What's this. (Reading). “Sorry I can't pay any tax today, please accept this voucher for dinner for two at Sharifs, Baghdad's premier kebab house. PS: Only valid between five and six”. Bah! What do they take me for! So they think they can hold out on me do they? Well, we'll soon see about that. I am El Ranseed the all powerful Sultan of Baghdad! Leave me, all of you! Get out of my sight! I must think of a plan. (They all exit). So they think they can get the better of me do they, and I suppose you lot are on their side as well! Go on, jeer as much as you like! But don't forget I now have the power of the Jinnee! I can do anything I want to. That's it, I'll turn the Harem into a vicious marauding gang of cut-throat thieves … they'll become the scourge of all Baghdad! Ha! Ha! Nothing will get in their way, nothing! (He throws his hands in the air to cast his wicked spell, the skies grow dark and thunder rolls).
This magic I wield is bound to win, I call on the power of the mighty Jinn. Raise my Harem to plains much higher, Forty thieves is what I seek and desire Give them strength and cunning like a fox, Thieves that hide their feminine locks There isn't a single lock or bolted door That'll stop them stealing from the poor This I command should be now be done I have this day not lost but won! MUSIC NO 7 : DANCE ROUTINE. (SUGGESTED MUSIC 'THE HALL OF THE MOUNTAIN KING'). This is an opportunity for the dancers to perform an exciting transformation ballet, in the style of 'Whirling Banshees'
24
El Ranseed
Go! Fly my pretties! Seek out what you can find and return to me before daybreak. Show no mercy! Away! Away! Ha! Ha! Ha! (The women disguised as robbers exit screaming in all directions. El Ranseed laughs wickedly). Ha! Ha! Ha! So what do you think of that? You ugly scarecrows! You pitiful ants! You sons of camels! You pile of donkey dirt! (He exits SL laughing). Ha! Ha! Ha!
Scene 2
The Number Board Routine
Enter Mustaphaslap and Mustaphatickle.
Tickle Slap Tickle Slap Tickle Slap Tickle Slap Tickle Slap Tickle Slap Tickle Slap Tickle Slap Tickle Slap Tickle Slap Tickle Slap Tickle Slap Tickle Slap Tickle Slap Tickle Slap Tickle Slap Tickle Slap Tickle Slap
I've been thinking. What with? My brain of course! You haven't got a brain. What do you mean I haven't got a brain, of course I've got a brain, my middle name's Einstein! I'll prove you haven't got a brain … Oh yes you have! Oh no I haven't! Oh yes you have! Oh no I haven't! (The light dawns). Just a minute that's not fair you tricked me! Well, I'll prove it another way then. Bet you can't! Bet I can! Bet you can't! Oh no I can't! Oh yes you can! How can you be so stupid? I've had years of practice, besides I learnt it all from you. Go on then clever clogs, prove I haven't got a brain! All right I will. Have you heard the Irish knock-knock joke. No. You start. Knock! Knock! Whose there? Er, (he begins to answer but realises his mistake), oh, bottoms you've done it again! No, listen, stop messing about, I think we've been diddled! Diddled, how do you mean? Well do you remember when we lent Dame Fatty Ma one hundred and twenty Dinars? That's right, but she paid it all back straight away. Ah, but she didn't, it only seemed like she did. You're right, you wait till I get my hands on her, I'll … I'll … You'll what? I'll think of something! There's no need, we'll get our money back with this. What is it? It's a money-making money board, for idiots. How does it work? It's dead simple all you do is bet five Dinars, and try to guess which number I'm pointing at. Brilliant, then all we have to do is get Dame Fatty Ma to play and we'll win all our money back. (Off stage we hear Dame Fatty Ma singing the ‘Coffee’ song). Look out she's coming. I'll go and hide and you win the money back. 25
Tickle
Right.
Enter Dame
Dame
Tickle Dame Tickle Dame Tickle Dame Tickle Dame Tickle Dame
Hello everybody, still here then, bearing up under the strain are we, talk about a cliff hanger! (She hoists up her breast). Oh, look out, it's a double glazing salesman. What's that, a giant bingo card? No it's my patent money-making money board for idiots, satisfaction guaranteed or your money back. Oooh I say! Now this I've got to see. How does it work then? Simple, we both bet five Dinars. Yes, I can manage that. I bet you can! We'll get this lady/gentleman (a member of the audience) to hold it. Then what? You turn your back, I point at a number and you guess what I'm pointing at? That seems easy enough. Right here we go, are you ready? Yes. Gladiators you will go on my first whistle! Er, number four.
Mustaphatickle quickly points at number three.
Tickle Dame Tickle Dame Tickle Dame Tickle Dame Tickle Dame Tickle
Sorry, it was number three. Want to try again? Righty-ho, here's my five Dinars. And here's mine. Oooh, I feel lucky this time. Are you ready, Gladiators you will go on my second whistle. Six! Ah, what a shame, it was number five. (He quickly points to number five). Want another go? I'm not sure I can afford it. Oh well, never mind, I tell you what, I'll lend you the board and you see if you can catch out another idiot. That's very generous of you. Not at all.
Exit Tickle, as Slap, who has been watching now enters.
Slap Dame Slap Dame Slap Dame Slap Dame Tickle Dame Tickle Dame Slap Dame
Hello, what have you got here? It's a money-making money board for idiots. Really, well I must have a go at this, how does it work? Couldn't be simpler, you point at a number and then have to guess what it is. I was playing it with Mustaphatickle but I reckon he was on the fiddle. I tell you what, I'll help you win your money back if you like. Would you, oh how kind, I'm all overcome. If you do the guessing, I'll see what number he points to, then I can tap you on the shoulder to the right amount, how about that? Sounds like a good plan to me, look out here he comes. Hello still here? Want to have another go? Don't mind if I do, here's my five Dinars. And here's mine. I tell you what, why don't we let Mustaphaslap choose the number for us. That's fine by me. Right, are you ready? (He puts his hand on the Dame's shoulder). What number am I pointing at? Number one! 26
Slap Dame Slap Dame Slap Dame Slap Dame Slap
Sorry, it was number six. Bah! I've lost again. I think it's time you did the guessing and I'll hold the board. OK, but let's raise the stakes shall we? All or nothing! Right, (winking at Mustaphatickle), here we are, seventy-five smackers. Here's mine, what's left of it! And to make sure you don't cheat, Mustaphatickle can watch. OK, are you ready, and no peeking. Here we go, what number am I pointing at? Er, um, … (Mustaphatickle watches the Dame point at the number two, he then turns and taps Mustaphaslap on the shoulder twice. By quickly moving his finger the Dame releases a flap on the board to reveal the number five). Er, it must be the number two.
Dame
Slap Tickle Slap
Sorry dears it was number five. Right, I'll just collect my winnings, thank you. Now if you don't mind, I think I'll put all this dosh in my own personal bank account, just for safe keeping you understand. You idiot. It wasn't my fault! It was a two, I mean it was a two a minute ago, but somehow it turned into a five! I'm sure it was a two, I just don't understand it. I'm going to wallop you, that was all our cash! Come here!
They run off.
Scene 3
The Cash Machine.
Dame
See you around boys. Those two will have to get up a lot earlier if they want to get one over on me! Now then, to the cash point! Sheikoutyarmani’s is a very old established Baghdad bank, you know, been around for donkey's years. But you have to hand it to them, they have kept up with the times, the whole thing has been fully automated. Mind you they were almost taken over last year by Siemans (or Nokia, or Ericsson etc) the phone people, it seems there just wasn't enough people making deposits. Right, here we are, now let me see what do I have to do. It’s been such a long time since I put anything into my account, I’ve almost forgotten how to do it … (to adults) … that as well. (Looking in her bag). I know it's in here somewhere. (She pulls out a variety of odd items). Ah, here we are! (She produces a plastic credit card and inserts it into the slot. Immediately there is a loud raspberry sound and the card shoots across the stage). Well what a cheek! Listen here sunshine, I want to deposit some money, not take it out! (As 'Hallellujah' from Handel's Messiah plays, she retrieves the card and inserts it once more). Now behave yourself. The train standing at platform three is for all stations to Bazrah calling at … Shut up! That's better, now what do I do next. (Reading the instructions). “If you want a long wait, press the button.” Oooh, I don't know, I suppose I should press it. (The machine instantly begins to whistle “We're Busy Doing Nothing”). Just a minute I know that tune, that's “We're Busy Doing Nothing”! What do you take me for, you stupid machine! Ooooh! Temper, temper, temper! Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me! Is that so, well how about this then (She produces a large tube of Super Glue). Super Glue, that'll gum up you're works! OK fatty, you win. “OK fatty you win”, how dare you! I'll have you know, I've been insulted by better machines than you! I doubt it! How much do you weigh? I don't know, how much do you think I weigh? I don't know, but you can tell your friend to get off! Look, are you going to let me put this money in the Bank or not? 27
Cash Machine Dame
Cash Machine Dame Cash Machine Dame Cash Machine Dame Cash Machine Dame
Cash Machine Dame Cash Machine Dame Cash Machine Dame Cash Machine Dame Cash Machine Dame Cash Machine Dame Cash Machine Dame Cash Machine Dame Cash Machine Dame Cash Machine
I might, how much is it? Over a hundred Dinars! (Whistling). Where did you get that from? None of your business. I tell you what. What? What! What do you mean “what”? I said I'd tell you “what”. What for? Double or quits? Oooh, I don't know, what do you think I should do? Should I play or not? Should I? It's a lot of money. Oh, all right, easy come, easy go. What do I have to do to win? Just pull the lever and get three of a kind. How many goes do I get? Three, now get on with it. What about nudging? Don't be disgusting. Well here goes (She pulls the lever, the symbols whiz round and stop on three boxing gloves). Hooray, I've won! How do I collect my winnings? Press the button, nu-nu! (or dimbo/knucklehead etc).
She does so, a panel opens and a boxing glove, on a spring, knocks her over. We hear “The Laughing Policeman” again.
Dame Cash Machine Dame Cash Machine Dame Cash Machine
That's not much of a present. No, but it gave me a laugh. Try again. I'm not sure if I want to. Aw, go on. Well all right, but no funny business this time. As if!
She pulls the lever once more The symbols whiz round and stop on three flowers.
Dame Hooray, I've won! Just a minute, how do I know you won’t trick me again? Cash Machine And why should I want to do that? Dame Mmm, well here goes! (She presses the button and a stream of flour hits her in the face. We hear “The Laughing Policeman” once more). Look at the state of me; I've just about had enough of you! Cash Machine Keep your hair on! Dame I'll give you keep your hair on! Cash Machine Now, now, I tell you what! Dame What? Cash Machine What! Dame What do you mean “what”? Cash Machine I said I'd tell you “what”. Dame Don't start that again I'm not in the mood. Cash Machine Whatever you do, don't press the button marked 'Surprise'. Dame You just don't want me to win, do you! So I'm going to press it anyway, so there! From inside the machine a large hammer hits her on the head, she totters around the stage and collapses in a heap USL. She is still clutching her cash.
Cash Machine What a mug! 28
Scene 4
"Open Sezzame" Scene.
Enter the thieves, carrying large sacks of booty.
Girl 4 Girl 3 Girl 2 Girl 1 Girl 3 Girl 4 Girl 2 Girl 1 Girl 2 Girl 4 Girl 3 Girl 4
Ha Ha! Well met! I see we've all been successful. We stole the money from a blind mans begging bowl! And then turned him upside down and shook out the rest! I took these jewels from the wife of the Viziar while she was asleep. We took these silver coffee pots and bowls from the Caliph's house. But who is this lying on the ground clutching a fistful of money. It's old Dame Fatty Ma! What's she doing here? And where did she get all this dosh? Who cares where it came from. It is ours, by the right of the robbers code!
They take the money. There is a red flash and El Ranseed appears SL. It is apparent, that the more evil he becomes, the more he gradually turns into a devil. His green appearance has changed to red, and small horns can be plainly seen growing through his turban.
El Ranseed
So my pretty band of robbers I see you have been successful! (Ali and Kassim come racing round the set, they pull up short when they see El Ranseed and the robbers. They watch the proceedings from a safe distance). At last! At last! Riches beyond my wildest dreams and it's all mine, mine, mine! (He laughs an evil laugh). Stand back!
By the power of the almighty Jinn Break the locks and let me in Open sezzame! There is a silver flash and the Bank doors fly open with a suitable mysterious jangle. El Ranseed and the robbers enter the Bank. Ali and Kassim help their mother.
Dame Ali Kassim Dame Kassim Dame
Ali Kassim Ali El Ranseed
Oooh, what happened, I feel like I've been run over by a camel! Mum, are you all right? Did they hurt you? Did who hurt me? The forty thieves of course. What forty thieves, I don't know anything about forty thieves. It was that rotten old cash machine that knocked me out. Just a minute! Where's my dosh? What have you done with it? It wasn't us ‌ Those forty thieves took it. We saw it all! (From off stage we hear "Open Sezzame" and the Bank doors open as before). Quick, they're coming back. So my pretty maidens until we meet again! By the powers of the almighty Jinn, I release you all from evil and sin. This nights deeds are but a dream, And like shadows shall merely seem. Now away! Away like the swirling mist! Away with the cloak of night to protect you! Away back to the Palace to sleep the sleep of the just! (They exit). Ha! Ha! By the power of the almighty Jinn Close the door with an almighty din Shut Sezzame! (Grating sound of the closing doorway). I am El Ranseed the invincible, and there's nothing you lot can do about it! Ha! Ha! Ha! 29
Exit El Ranseed.
Dame Ali Dame Kassim Dame Kassim Omnes Dame Ali Dame Kassim
Has he gone? I never did like him very much, and now he's worse than ever. I should say so. But what about all my lovely money, I'm afraid we're back to square one boys. Oh no we're not! What do you mean? Well they went in with the loot, but came out empty handed! So it must still be in there. Yes, but the last time anybody tried to get in, they blew a hole in the back wall. The police are still looking into it! Ha! Ha! Ha! Mum, do try and be serious. Well, that's rich coming from you! Besides we've still have to get inside the Bank, and as far as I know nobody's actually done that in years. It's simple, watch this. (He approaches the Bank). Open Sezzame!
There is a silver flash and the Bank doors fly open as before.
Dame
Oh you are clever, last one in's a rotten egg!
They all rush through the entrance.
Scene 5
The Bank Vault
If resources are limited, black curtains, previously hidden, are drawn across the front of the Bank, a boat truck loaded with treasure, including the sacks previously carried by the Forty Thieves, is pushed through the doorway. As if from the outside, the Dame, Ali and Kassim enter almost immediately. The doorway shuts behind them. They are in a place where things go bump in the night. UV lighting if possible.
Dame Ali Kassim Dame Kassim Dame Kassim Dame
Well I've always wanted to know what it looked like in here and now I know. Just look at the place, it's like a camel boot sale, full of junk! No it's not Mum, look at this, it's full of money! And this one’s full of treasure! What? Out of my way! We're rich! We're rich! No we're not! This stuff doesn't belong to us, it was stolen from the people of Baghdad we must return it. What? Return it, never! No Mum, this is stolen property, it doesn't belong to us. I suppose you're right, oh well never mind, it was nice to feel rich even for a moment.
A large spider drops down in front of Ali, almost immediately it returns from whence it came.
Ali Dame Ali Dame
Arghhh! Don't do that, you stupid boy. B-b-b-but it w-w-w-was a-a-a h-h-h-huge sp-sp-spider! Don't be such a sissy, you wouldn't catch your brother Kassim making such a fuss.
Another spider, bigger than the first, drops from the ceiling, this time in front of Kassim. As before, it is drawn up almost immediately.
Kassim Dame Ali
Arghhh! Arghhh! Arghhh!
Ali and Kassim look at each other and scream once more.
Ali & Kassim Arghhh! Dame Will you two stop it, you're giving me the heebie-jeebies! Kassim B-b-b-but M-m-m-mum, it w-w-w-was huge. 30
Dame Ali Dame Ali Dame
Don't be ridiculous, there aren't any spiders, I can't see any sp-sp-spiders. (One of the spiders drops down in front of her and immediately returns). Arghhh Spider! See told you so. (The Gorilla enters and stands next to Ali. He screams and the gorilla runs off). Arghhh! Now what? It was that great big hairy Gorilla again. (During this next line, the Gorilla enters and absconds with Kassim). Don't be stupid how can a Gorilla get in here? There isn’t a Gorilla in here is there Kassim? Kassim? Where has that silly boy got to, he's never about when you need him. (The Gorilla enters and carries Ali off). Ali, where's your dozy brother? (She looks round for Ali). Ali? Now he’s disappeared. I'm beginning to get a teensy-weensy bit irritated with this place, what with gorillas and spiders. I mean whatever next!
A Ghost enters.
Ghost Dame
Ghost
Whooo! Whooo! “Whooo! Whooo!”, to you too! Just a minute. What goes “whooo, whooo”? It must have been a … been a gggghost! It's a good job I don't believe in ghosts that's all I can say. Whooo! Whooo!
The ghost exits.
Dame
It's no good you can “Whooo!” as much as you like, I still don't believe in ghosts! I tell you what everybody, if you see that ghost again will you tell me wont you? You will, brilliant! (The gorilla enters). It's a what? A gorilla! Don't be daft. I thought you were going to warn me about ghosts! It's what? Behind me? I don't believe you … well all right I'll take a look. (The ghost enters and the gorilla runs off). I told you it wasn't a gorilla, it's a ghost. Arghhh! Ghost!
The Dame runs off and the Ghost follows. Ali and Kassim enter backwards from opposite sides and just before they bump into each other they turn, one upstage the other downstage, thereby missing each other. They take a few steps then stealthily walk backwards. They jump round to face each other.
Ali & Kassim Ali Kassim Ali Kassim Ali Kassim
Arghhh! It's me, Ali. Are you sure? Of course I am, let's shake on it. OK. (Ali squashes Kassim's hand). It's you all right. I don't like this place Ali, it's full of gorillas, spiders and spooks. I know what you mean, I'm all spooked out. I think we ought to get out of here, it's giving me the creeps.
The Gorilla enters, hotly pursued by the Dame who is wearing a gorilla mask.
Ali Kassim Ali Kassim
Hey what's this, its a couple of white sheets. Kassim, I've got an idea, why don't we spook Mum. I don't know if we should. Aw, come on, don't be a spoil sport. Oh all right then.
They put on the ghost costumes and hide.
Ali Dame Ali Dame Kassim
You hide over there and I'll hide over here. My poor old ticker can't take much more of this. Whooo! Whooo! Oh no, not again. Whooo! Whooo! 31
Dame Ali Dame Kassim Dame
Arghhh! There's two of them. Well you can do your worst, I've had it up to here with ghosts! Whooo! Whooo! Is that the best you can do? Whooo! Whooo! Pathetic! Just a minute I recognise those “whooo’s”! (She pulls the sheets off Ali and Kassim). I might have known it. How dare you try and frighten your old mum like that!
From above (if possible), the Ghost slowly descends. Ali and Kassim are the first to spot it.
Ali Dame Kassim Dame
Mum, don't look now, but there's a ghost floating above your head. Pull the other one, it's got bells on. It's t-t-t-t-true, l-l-l-look! Pah! I don't believe you. What do you think, should I take a look, should I? (The ghost ascends/disappears). All right, I'll take a look. See, I knew there was nothing there.
The spiders begin to descend.
Ali Dame
Mum those spiders are back! Oooh! I really hate spiders, nasty creepy crawly things, eugh! (She shudders).
The Ghost descends/reappears.
Ali Kassim
Mum that ghost is coming back too. And so is that gorilla!
The Gorilla enters and runs into the audience. The Dame, Ali and Kassim cower centre stage. There is a flash and the Jinnee appears SR, as if she has been thrown on stage. The spiders, Ghost and Gorilla disappear.
Dame Jinnee Dame Kassim Ali Jinnee
Dame Jinnee Dame Kassim Ali Kassim Jinnee
Ali Jinnee Dame Jinnee Kassim Jinnee
Who are you? Where am I? Now I remember. I am the Jinnee of the can, but I have been tricked by El Ranseed the beggar. I should say so, that El Ranseed is turning into a right nasty so and so. That's not all. First of all he turned green … And now he's turning red! I thought as much, I did try to warn him but he would not listen. I am afraid my power is too much for him. Soon it will be too late and he will be tormented for the rest of time! Well that's his problem! Look, I don't want to be funny or anything, but didn't you say you were a jinnee? Certainly. In that case can you get us out of here, the door shut behind us you see and the whole place is full of creepy crawlies, ghosties … Gorillas! And ghoulies. Ghoulies? I haven't seen any ghoulies. By the power of the almighty Jinn Open the door to let the sunlight in. (Nothing happens). I was afraid of that. Pooh! What sort of a jinnee are you, if you can't even open a stupid old door! As I was saying, El Ranseed tricked me into changing places with him. Have you forgotten the beggar woman you shared your money with? Good heavens, I thought there was something odd about you. However it seems I have temporarily lost all my powers. But what are you doing in here? El Ranseed must be asleep, otherwise I would still be a beggar woman. When he's asleep, you see, he loses some of his power which is why he has imprisoned me in here. 32
Dame Ali Dame Ali Dame Ali Dame
Well it looks like you're no better off than us then, doesn't it dear. Oh well, never mind, I'm sure something will turn up. Hey Mum! What's this? See I told you! (Ali pulls on stage the song sheet). Well, well, well, it's a song sheet, just what the doctor ordered. What doctor? What we need is a spot of community singing, then Bob's your uncle! No he isn't! Ali shut-up, and help me teach the song to everybody. Here we go then, we'll sing it first and then you lot can join in.
MUSIC NO 8 : COMIC SONG (DAME, ALI, KASSIM & AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION) Dame She sailed away on a lovely summer's day On the back of a crocodile. You see, said she He's as tame as he can be And I'll ride him down the Nile. The croc winked his eye And the lady waved good-bye Smiling a sunny smile At the end of the ride The lady was inside And the smile was on the crocodile Kassim Ali
And don't forget the actions! (They all sing through the song). Right, now it's your turn, Ali, you and I will take this side, and you two take the other. Let's get some kids out to help us.
The Dame interviews the children adlib: What's your name? How old are you? Have you got a boy/girl friend? Are you married? Ali's looking for a girlfriend! What do you want for Christmas etc.
Dame
Right, here we go then!
They sing through the song with the audience.
Ali Kassim Ali & Dame Kassim Ali & Dame Kassim Dame Kassim
I think our side was better than that side. Oh no it wasn't. Oh yes it was! Oh no it wasn't! Oh yes it was! Oh no it wasn't! All right prove it then, we'll have a competition! We'll start, are you ready? Go! (The Dame and Ali sing through the song with the audience). Right beat that, now it's your turn. Here we go then
In their turn, Kassim and the Jinnee sing through the song with the audience.
Dame Kassim Dame Ali
We won, we won! No you didn't! Oh all right, it was a draw. But as you think you're so clever let's all do it again but twice as fast!
The song is sung once again, by both groups.
Dame Ali
But we're still stuck in here with all this treasure. You know boys, it's no good having money if you can't spend it. Mum what did you say? 33
Dame Ali Dame Ali Kassim Ali Dame Jinnee Omnes Dame Jinnee Ali Jinnee Dame Jinnee Dame Jinnee Dame Jinnee Dame Ali Dame Ali Dame
I said it's no good having money … No, no, no, before that. I said we were still stuck in here with all this treasure. But that's it, don't you see? We're rich … we're rich! I thought we agreed, that once we were out of here, we were going to give everything back to it's rightful owner. Exactly! Think about it, apart from the few sacks the forty thieves brought in. Who do you know that owns any … treasure! Kassim he has a point you know, but if it wasn't stolen, where did it come from? I put it there. You did? But where did you find it? Shipwrecks, forgotten caves that sort of thing. If you're a real Jinnee what do you want diamonds, rubies, emeralds and treasure for anyway? I don't. Well if you don't want it, what did you collect it all up for dear? Oh I don't know, it's just ,well it's just very boring being stuck in a small space for years on end, waiting for somebody to come along and give my can a jolly good rub. But it must be worth a Kings ransom! Is it? Well it's no good to me I just did it for something to do. I'll tell you what, one good turn deserves another, if you really want it you can have it all if you like! B-b-but that means we're, we're, we're horribly r-r-r-rich! Does it? Ooooh! I feel I've been euro-ed all over with a footsie index … I think. Boy's, we're rich, we're rich! I'll build a palace, I'll buy a new dress, I'll … Open a night club? Open a night club, whatever for? So that you can show off your jewels. And skip the light fantastic! What a good idea, why didn't I think of it! We're rich, we're rich!
She dances around singing and clapping.
Kassim Dame Ali
We might be rich, but we're still stuck in here, how are we going to get out? That's easy, we'll just say the magic words and we'll be out of here in a moment. Now what were they, ah yes, … Hey Presto, open the door and let us out! That's not right, it was something else.
The audience say “Open Sezzame”
Dame
Of course it is, how silly of me! Right here we go then. Er, Abracadabra! Oh bottoms, I've forgotten it already. What was it again?
The audience respond.
Kassim Dame
Perhaps we should ask the audience to say it with us. Good idea. After three … one, two, three, “Open Sezzame”! (The door opens). Quick! Everybody out before old El Ranseed catches us … and don't forget the treasure!
All exit together including the Gorilla and the Ghost. The boat truck is pulled off stage through the Bank doors, the curtains are opened to reveal the outside of the Bank. The Dame, the Jinnee, Ali, Kassim, the Ghost and the Gorilla re-enter almost immediately, all carrying sacks and chests full of treasure. They run across the stage and enter the Dame's house. The Jinnee and Kassim are the last in the line.
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Scene 6
The Dame Opens A Night Club.
Jinnee Kassim Jinnee
Kassim, wait I have something to tell you. What is it? What I have to say might seem a little strange, and even beyond belief. But, know this, if you have the courage, there is a great and wondrous future in store for you. What do you mean? One day soon you will marry the Princess Yasmin. Princess Yasmin, but that is impossible! I love her more than anything in the world and I think she loves me in return, but I am the son of old Dame Fatty Ma, the charcoal maker. To marry the Princess would, well, it would be astounding. Kassim, you must trust me, but to win your prize will not be an easy task. If what you say is true then I am prepared to do anything! Good, that is well said. Tell me what must I do? You must fight El Ranseed. Fight El Ranseed! But how can I do that? He seems to be more powerful than ever and besides he's got magic on his side. I did not say it would be easy Kassim. Besides what do you think he will do when he finds his treasure has been stolen from under his very nose? But if I try to fight him, he'll just turn me into an ant or a dung beetle or something. It’s just impossible. No Kassim it is not impossible, where there is a will there is a way. That's easy for you to say. Listen Kassim, El Ranseed has a weakness he is not aware of. If your heart is steadfast and true, he cannot harm you, and with this ring as your shield, his magic will be turned back upon him.
Kassim Jinnee Kassim
Jinnee Kassim Jinnee Kassim Jinnee Kassim Jinnee Kassim Jinnee Kassim Jinnee
The Jinnee takes a ring from her finger and gives it to Kassim.
Kassim Jinnee
What do you mean, like a mirror or something? Exactly! This ring has magical properties. If he hurls a thunderbolt at you, the ring will reflect it back from whence it came.
Exit Jinnee.
Dame Kassim Dame Kassim Dame Kassim Dame Kassim Dame
Hurry up Kassim, there's a lot to be done! I want to open up my night club right away and I need your help! Coming Ma! What I don't understand is, if this ring can do everything that you say, why don't you … Jinnee? Jinnee? Where are you? How strange, she's gone. Kassim! Help me put this up, will you. What is it? It's the sign for my new night club. What do you think, ‘Karzi's! Baghdad's premier night club for the sophisticated’. You can't call a night club Karzi's. Why ever not? Ali thought of the name. I bet he did! What's the matter, you're looking all flushed. Oh, never mind. Look, if it really bothers you, we can think of another name tomorrow. Ali, put some music on, people will be arriving soon. When they hear of the new Karzi they'll all come flocking, there won't be a seat vacant.
MUSIC NO : 9 DANCE ROUTINE - THE NIGHT CLUB
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Scene 7
The Fight.
Enter El Ranseed and Princess Yasmin.
Dame El Ranseed Dame El Ranseed Kassim El Ranseed Ali
Oh I love you all! Welcome! Welcome to Karzi's. Free drinks! Free drinks! What exactly is going on here? Ah! I wondered when you would show up! We're having a party and you're not invited, so push off! Well my dear, I'm afraid you have no choice. I am El Ranseed, the Sultan of Baghdad, and I will not, no, I cannot, be denied! I don't care who you are, unless you have a ticket, you are not coming in! Ticket, I don't need a ticket! My face is my ticket! Is that so, well I have orders to punch all tickets!
Ali punches El Ranseed.
El Ranseed Kassim El Ranseed Kassim Dame Kassim El Ranseed
How dare you! I'll turn you into a locust and crush you with my heel! By the powers of the almighty Jinn ‌ Aw, shut-up and pack it in. The Princess Yasmin is welcome, but you're not! So clear off, otherwise I'll set Ali onto you again. What! You dare to defy me? You insolent worm! I've just about had enough of you. Kassim, what on earth has got into you? Don't worry Ma I know what I'm doing? By the Powers of the almighty Jinn, Give me strength to conquer and win, You'll rue the day you ever crossed me, Turn this fool into a braying donkey.
El Ranseed hurls the spell at Kassim who holds up the ring. The spell is reversed and it is El Ranseed who begins to bray like a donkey. He is taken aback but removes the spell.
Kassim El Ranseed
Ha Ha! It worked! The ring worked! May he be plagued by devils three, Pinch and torment him is my decree (As before, Kassim reverses the spell with the ring. El Ranseed howls with pain as the imaginary devils pinch him, again he removes the spell). I see you are protected by that
Kassim El Ranseed Dame El Ranseed Dame El Ranseed Kassim El Ranseed
ring! Where did you get it? That's for me to know and you to find out! Give it to me! Not on your nelly! I wasn't talking to you! As your Sultan, I order you to hand it over! Kassim don't do it! For the last time shut-up! The ring! Never! I see I must resort to other means.
He draws a sword.
Ali
Kassim, catch!
He throws a sword to Kassim who catches it, a terrible battle ensues. Eventually El Ranseed is overcome, the crowd cheer.
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Scene 8
Kassim Marries The Princess.
Jinnee
So good has conquered evil once again, Let the old Sultan return to his rightful reign. Just a minute, I have all the power here. If you remember, I was the one who swapped places! You're the beggar and I'm the Jinnee! I'm afraid you broke the Jinnee's code, As now you reap what you have sowed. My power has returned by your defeat, So now your maker you must meet. But wait, I hear the tolling justice bell, Your fate is sealed in the pits of hell. Have mercy! Help! Help! Save me! Help! I warned you not tempt your fate, This repentance is somewhat late. Even though you cower and yield, The deed is done, signed and sealed. No! No! Somebody save me! Help! Help! Anybody! Ah, if I may be so bold and intervene. I think that, er, El Ranseed has probably learnt his lesson. I mean there hasn't been any lasting damage that cannot be put right, and you see, well, Baghdad just wouldn't be the same without him. Couldn't we just let him go back to begging and forget the whole thing? Oh great and powerful Jinnee, may I remind you that I still have one wish left and once given, you yourself said that it must honoured. What you say is true, by my code I am duty bound to obey. This final wish must now be granted, what is your command? I wish to be returned to the honourable brethren of beggars and leave ruling to noblemen and Kings! El Ranseed, a lesson to learn and treasure, This humble wish I grant with pleasure. Thank you! Thank you! I'll, er, just go home and change. Um, there's just one more thing, er, will I always remain this shade of red? It won't take long for your return to grime, Your colour will fade with the sands of time. Thank you! Thank you! I can't thank you enough. (He shakes everybody's hand and exits. From off stage fading into the distance we hear ‌) Alms! Alms! Alms for the poor. There is but one final task left to complete, Kassim must be rewarded for his courageous feat. But I've already bought him some new slippers for Christmas? Mum! Not that kind of feat. Without him the future looked empty and bleak, I decree Yasmin must marry within the week. Only when a suitable suitor suits was my command, and I can see no better man than Kassim. So if he will have her and she him, they both have my royal blessing. That almost makes us relatives! Let the festivities begin.
El Ranseed Jinnee
El Ranseed Jinnee
El Ranseed Sultan
El Ranseed Jinnee El Ranseed Jinnee El Ranseed Jinnee El Ranseed Jinnee Dame Kassim Jinnee Sultan Dame Sultan
They all exit with the exception of the chorus who perform one final dance
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MUSIC NO 10 :
DANCE ROUTINE - THE REPRISE
The dancers exit.
The Walk Down. Wedding bells are heard and the whole company enter for the curtain calls.
El Ranseed
Alms! Alms for the poor! Ha! Ha! Well that was a narrow escape, but you can't get rid of me that easily, you flea-bitten pile of donkey do-do's. Watch this space, I'll be back! Ha! Ha! Ha!
THE END
How To Make A Trick Egg (Act 1, Scene 8) First, take an egg and make a small hole in both ends. Carefully blow out the contents of the egg into a bucket. Once this has been achieved, seal one end with candle wax and fill with water (either using a syringe, or holding the egg under warm water with the open hole uppermost). When full, or nearly full, seal the other end with candle wax as before. Keep the trick eggs out of harms way in a specially marked egg box, and use on stage as directed.
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