Free And Easy by Stagescripts Ltd

FREE AND EASY

a two act comedy play with music

Bill Cronshaw

Free And Easy by Bill Cronshaw © Bill Cronshaw 2005. All Rights Reserved This script may not be copied or transcribed by any means electronic, optical or mechanical without the prior permission of the copyright owners or their agent. Photocopying this script without a suitable license is strictly prohibited. This play is a work of fiction. The characters are entirely the product of the authors’ imaginations and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. ‘Free And Easy’ is fully protected under the international laws of copyright which are enacted in the UK as the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. The right of Bill Cronshaw to be identified as the intellectual owner of the work has been asserted by him in accordance with the above Act. While every precaution has been taken in the preparation of this play, the publisher assumes no responsibility for errors or omissions, or for damages resulting from the use of the material contained herein. Published, and worldwide rights managed, by : Stagescripts Ltd Lantern House, 84 Littlehaven Lane, Horsham, West Sussex, RH12 4JB, UK Tel : +44 (0)700 581 0581 Fax : +44 (0)700 581 0582 sales@stagescripts.com www. stagescripts.com Publication History: February 2011, First Edition Stagescripts Ltd Registered in England and Wales No. 06155216 Registered Office 145-157 St John Street, London EC1V 4PY

ROYALTY FEES A royalty fee is payable every time ‘Free And Easy’ is performed in front of an audience irrespective of whether that audience pays for attending or not. Producing organisations MUST obtain a ‘Licence To Perform’ from Stagescripts Ltd prior to starting rehearsals. Producing Organisations are prohibited from making video recordings of rehearsals or performances of ‘Free And Easy’ without the prior permission of the copyright owner or their agent. NOTE : The act of preparing material in quantities sufficient to rehearse a performance of ‘Free And Easy’ will be taken as intent to stage such a performance should litigation be necessary in the event of nonpayment of Royalty Fees later found to be due.

SA-0218

Rev B

Characters (5m, 4f, plus band) Eric Dobbins Iris Dobbins Tracy Dobbins Sharon Booth Vanessa Spinks Lonnie Lennox Kev Sutcliffe Steve ‘Switch’ Mullen ‘Dodgy’ Ron Stone

Landlord of ‘The Last Drop’ pub Landlady of ‘The Last Drop’ pub Iris and Eric’s daughter. a barmaid another barmaid, a single working mother with twins a pub regular, rather simple another pub regular, a scout leader another pub regular, an electrician, slightly ‘spivvy’ the Brewery’s Premises Consultant,

The cast is also supported by a band consisting of keyboard player, drummer and guitarist.

Setting The play is set in 1967 in Manchester, England. The action occurs in and around the public and private rooms of ‘The Last Drop’ public house (ie a small area as the outside entrance to the bar; the main door to the bar; the bar area with tables and chairs, serving bar, pumps, bottles, glasses & optics etc, a small stage and space for the band; a sitting room with comfy chairs, coffee table etc; Ron Stone’s office with desk, chair, filing cabinet etc; a room in Kev Sutcliffe’s house).

Musical Items Act One #1 Da Doo Ron Ron #2 It’s Not Unusual (instrumental extract) #3 Bye Bye Blackbird (instrumental extract) #4 Living Doll (short extract) #5 Bobby’s Girl #6 Bye Bye Love #7 Down Town #8 Ghost Riders in the Sky #9 Why Do Fools Fall in Love #10 Cry Me A River #11 Rock Around The Clock

Company The Band The Band Eric Vanessa & Sharon Kev & Switch Sharon Lonnie Vanessa, Lonnie & Company Vanessa Company

Act Two #12 Can’t Help Falling In Love Kev #13 These Boots Were Made For Walking Tracy, Vanessa & Sharon #14 When I Fall in Love Tracy & Switch #15 Dedicated Follower of Fashion Company #16 Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow Company #17 Final Medley Company Sung By

Title

Kev

Bye Bye Love Can’t Help Falling In Love Ghost Riders in the Sky Why Do Fools Fall in Love I Want To Hold Your Hand (acapella) Bye Bye Love When I Fall In Love Bobby’s Girl Down Town These Boots Were Made For Walking These Boots Were Made For Walking When I Fall in Love Bobby’s Girl Cry Me A River These Boots Were Made For Walking Why Do Fools Fall in Love Da Doo Ron Ron Dedicated Follower of Fashion Rock Around The Clock Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow Final Medley (I’m A Believer; California Dreaming

Lonnie Switch

Sharon

Tracy Vanessa

Company

& Da Doo Ron Ron)

Company

Why Do Fools Fall in Love

(as backing singers)

IMPORTANT NOTE : Directors are reminded of the requirement to ensure that appropriate performing licences are in place for the renditions of each piece of music. The licence granted to perform the play does not include permission to perform the songs which must be acquired separately. Generally the venue will have a suitable licence from the Performing Rights Society (or the equivalent local organisation).

‘Free And Easy’ was first performed from 6-10 September 2005 at the Playhouse Theatre in Cheltenham with the following cast and crew: Cast Eric Dobbins Iris Dobbins Tracy Dobbins Sharon Booth Vanessa Spinks Lonnie Lennox Kev Sutcliffe Steve ‘Switch’ Mullen Ron Stone

Bill Cronshaw Sheila Mander Kate Mander Jenny Brocklehurst Caroline Mander Ben Clark Robbie Gardner Andy Harvey Richard Watson

Band Guitar Drums Keyboard

Sean McGowan Sam Gerard Richard Watson

Production Staff Director Musical Director Lighting Designer Sound Designer Choreographer Stage Manager Assistant SM

Sheila Mander Richard Watson Alex Lewer Adam Elliott Julie Henderson Chris Davis Xanthe Parker

iii

FREE AND EASY ACT 1 Scene One The house lights dim and in the darkness, Eric’s voice is heard:

Eric

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the fabulous ‘Last Drops’!

The curtain opens as the band launch into Music#1 : ‘Da Doo Ron Ron’. Some or all of the cast enter and sing. At the end of the song, the lights dim to allow everybody except Tracy to exit. She moves into a single spot having put a raincoat on over her costume. She take a position as if she is standing outside the pub looking up at an imaginary notice over the door.

Tracy

(Reading) ‘Tracy Dobbins, licensed pursuant to Act of Parliament to sell intoxicating liquors …’. (To audience). So

what? It’s just another little boozer like God-knows-how-many others. I bet that’s what you’re thinking … And I wouldn’t blame you. I mean what’s so special about a public house? … I’ll tell you what’s special. It’s my name above that door, that’s what special … It’s all me mam, and dad, ever wanted; the family name to stay above the door. (Faint sound of singsong music ‘Let’s Twist Again’ emerges from pub). And whoever would have thought that this little place would become part of so many people’s lives? A sort of national treasure … But it did! It did! Everyone was a regular at ‘The Last Drop’! As the spotlight fades on Tracy, the general lights come up and Eric enters. He carries his newspaper, a mug of tea and his fags. He settles down at one of the tables and proceeds to study the horse-racing page, writing down his bets on a piece of paper. His peace is disturbed by Iris’s voice from offstage.

Iris Eric Iris Eric Iris

Eric! Eric! (Wearily) What is it, my angel? Don’t you ‘my angel’ me! What you doing? I’m getting the function room ready for ‘Free and Easy’ night … what do you think I’m doing? Sitting on your backside drinking tea and wasting money on horses if I know you!

Eric Iris

Eric Iris Eric Iris

Eric Iris

What do you think I am? I think you’re a lot of things Eric Dobbins but I haven’t got time to take you through the full list! I’m busy doing my nails. (Reaction from Eric). Now have you got that bar bottled up! I can only do one thing at a time you know! Bloody hell, Rome wasn’t built in a day Iris! That’s only because I wasn’t the foreman! Now get cracking, my lad! Where’s our Tracy? I’m rushed off my feet here! Our Tracy’s busy ironing me frock, (Reaction from Eric) … I can’t do it myself, me nails aren’t dry. (Loud knocking on door). Are you there, Eric! (Sarcastically) No! I left an hour ago. Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, Eric Dobbins! Now get that door answered!

Reluctantly, Eric gets up and opens the door. As the band members rush in to get set up, the work-shy Eric returns to his table to sit still and work on his bets. Every now and again, he chivvies them along (“Get a move on”, etc). The drummer enters still wearing his mechanic’s greasy overalls. The keyboard player arrives, still in his supermarket overall, carrying his music in plastic bags. The guitarist has also come straight from work as a primary school teacher and begins to mark a pile of books. They are soon followed by Sharon and then Vanessa who both realise they are a bit late for work. Sharon takes her coat off, and whatever she’s wearing underneath is enough to distract the band as she engages them with goodnatured banter. Vanessa enters with all of the baby clutter (a buggy, bottles, dummies and rattles etc) belonging to her twins, who she has left with someone for the night. There is a sense of bustle and rushing; attempting to get ready for opening time. All dialogue is ad-libbed, but in character. This entire sequence of entrances should be completed within 1-1½ minutes. Tracy then enters, warning people that Iris is on the warpath, and tries to chivvy Eric into helping. The general banter stops as Iris enters.

Iris

(To all) Right! That’s enough malarkeying about! It’s opening

time! Let the customers in … and I want to see everyone pulling their weight. (She plonks herself down on her stool and supervises everyone else working). Fade to black.

Scene Two Eric, Vanessa, Tracy and Sharon are working furiously, taking orders from imaginary customers. Iris sits regally on her stool, supervising, smoking her cigarette held in a flamboyant cigarette holder. This scene is played out front with the following dialogue quickly overlapping.

Sharon

Eric

Vanessa

Tracy

Vanessa Tracy Iris Tracy Iris Tracy Iris Tracy Iris

Charlie! What you having love? What? ‘Anything, as long as I have to bend forwards?’ Ooh - you’re a cheeky devil you are! I’d slap you if you weren’t a pensioner! (She laughs). Two bitters, a mild and … a pint of mixed wasn’t it Nobby? Yeah, and three cheese and onion … I’ll put it on a tray for you, Nobby pal. Can’t bring it across, I’m run off my feet here! I’ll put a cherry in yours, you cheeky sod! God, Charlene, how do you put up with him? Look at him there! Any closer and he’ll be practically in that frock with her! Aren’t you jealous? You’d better keep him on a lead … or I tell you what … have him neutered! (She laughs loudly). I’ll get it sorted as soon as I can Norma! Honestly, what next! There must be a blockage. I had the drain man out this morning … he gave it a good rodding. (Interrupts) Ooh! Give me his name! Just see to your orders, Madam! Yeah, thanks Norma, I’ll put a sign up. Mam, Mam! What is it our Tracy? Ladies’ lav’s blocked again. Again! But I thought I told you to get it done? I did! Did he give it a good rodding? He said he did! I’ll go and put a sign up. Men eh? Never can satisfy women! Oh well, I’d better go and make an announcement I suppose … I don’t know, never a minute’s peace. (She heaves herself off the stool and wanders to the microphone on the stage).

Sharon

Oh thanks, Tommy! I’ll take for a vodka if you don’t mind … God, you’ll have me on me back at this rate! (She squeals with laughter when she realises what she’s said).

Eric

I tell you what Frank, as for that centre forward City have got, he might be fast but he can’t shoot! Calls himself a footballer! Couldn’t hit a cow’s arse with a banjo that bloke! 3

(Vanessa calls him). Bloody hell what is it? What? We’re out of

Vanessa

Iris

mixers? Hang on, I’ll give our Tracy a shout. Tracy! I thought I asked for this bar to be stocked up! (He realises she’s gone). Tracy? Tracy? Oh where’s she gone now? So right … that’s two milds, a mixed, a bitter … and a snowball … Oh thanks! What? Thank you! Yeah, I am light on my feet aren’t I? Trained dancer me, you see. I nearly got an audition for them ‘Pan’s People’ but you know, things never worked out. Oh well! There’s still time! (Into microphone) Can you give order please! I say, give order, give order! (Silence prevails). Thank you. Now I don’t want to interrupt your entertainment but it’s just to let you know, ladies … will you please use the facilities through in the snug. I’m afraid we have a blockage in that one. (Ribald comments from the band as they play the first few bars of Music #2 : ‘It’s Not Unusual’). And that’s enough from you, thank you very much! Our Tracy’s putting a notice up … (Tracy enters carrying a cardboard sign). Oh, here she is now! Let’s see love. That’ll do … but there’s only one ‘n’ in sanitary! (Raucous comments again from band. General lights fade to spotlight on Iris for her soliloquy).

Yes, well we’ve been here nearly all our married life … ‘The Last Drop’ is our life really. Our family’s name has been above that door since Adam were a lad. We have standards here, oh yes. I mean it’s no coincidence that we’ve won ‘Pub of the North’ award twice now … Would have won it three times if it hadn’t been for that Marjorie Allsopp at ‘The Albion’ showing the judges a bit more than her optics! Oh yes, I’m not one to tittle-tattle but they reckon she’s got a turnstile on her bedroom door! But we’ll win it back this year or my name’s not Iris Dobbins! ‘Pub of the North’ should be an award worth having! I will not have it demeaned by the likes of ‘mattress Marjorie’! You see. Some people might think a pub is just a place to come and drink but that’s where they’d be wrong! I’m here to tell you different! Because you see … it’s a family! That’s what we have here … A place where folks can come and always feel welcome, and wanted, and I suppose even loved in a way. Course we’re like all families. We have our ups and downs … our good times and our bad times. Even our black sheep; but you see even for all that, everyone stays one of the family (Pause). Unless they’re barred of course! 4

Lights fade as Iris drags heavily on her cigarette.

Scene Three Lights up on Kev Sutcliffe’s house. ‘Switch’ is waiting for Kev and, dressed in smart clothes, he preens himself in an imaginary mirror. As he waits, he sings ‘I Want To Hold Your Hand’ by The Beatles to himself, sotto voce, absentmindedly.

Switch

Kev

Switch

Kev Switch Kev Switch

Kev Switch

Kev Switch Kev

Bloody hell, Kev. Get a move on will you! You’ll have it dark! I wouldn’t have offered a lift if I’d known! All the talent will have gone by the time we get there! (Entering) Coming, coming! Keep your hair on! Any road, you shouldn’t be using council van for social purposes … could get us into trouble if anyone found out. Well, no-one’s gonna find out are they? Anyway, I’m on official business, well at least for part of the night, know what I mean? Official business? You’re going to ‘The Last Drop’! What’s official about that? Public entertainment premises! That’s what’s official about it! (Scornfully) Public entertainment? It’s only ‘Free and Easy’ night! They’re still using electricity aren’t they, pea brain? I promised Eric I’d check the wiring of the PA system … and I’ve got a Council job ticket for it. (He produces a document from his pocket). That’ll be flying across your desk in the morning for processing! Ay, and don’t keep me waiting this time … want me money this week, not next bloody Christmas! Don’t blame me! I process my tasks like clockwork I’ll have you know! Blame Accounts, not me! OK, OK, only joking! (He looks in the mirror again). Let me get amongst it! You know, God knows what the birds see in that Michael Caine when they’ve got me to go at! Now are you going to get ready or what? I am ready! Bloody hell, Kev! What’s wrong?

Switch

Kev Switch Kev Switch Kev Switch Kev Switch

Kev Switch

Kev Switch Kev Switch Kev Switch

Well it’s hardly Carnaby Street is it? Do you always wear that Scout Leader’s outfit? I’ve heard about women liking men in uniform but that’s not gonna turn Sharon’s head is it? There was a bloke on telly the other night right? And he reckons that us blokes right, we’re the peacocks! Peacocks? Yeah! All flash and eye-catching like. Course, some of us have it naturally Sharon likes me the way I am! Did she say that? More or less. How do you mean? Well, she’s always said it’s what’s under the surface that’s important in people. Well, I’ve heard it all now! Bloody hell! Most of what’s under her surface is coming up for air every five minutes! I’ll have to take you in hand, young Kevin! Now, come on, chop-chop! I’ve got ladies to please, work to do, connections to make! How long’s it going to take you to check the PA? I’m not authorising unapproved overtime claims you know! I know, I know, Mr ‘Goody Two-Shoes’! No, it’s just that I overheard Vanessa mention that her hair-dryer’s knackered. Thought when I’ve finished the PA I could offer my services, so to speak. ‘Check her circuits’ … know what I’m saying? ‘Switch Mullen galloping to the rescue’; a man and his toolbox. (Righteously) Well, officially it’s not your toolbox, it’s … (Interrupting) … it’s Council property! I know! Bloody hell, they’ll put that on your headstone! Now, are you right? Yeah, can we stop at Church Hall on the way? What for? Just want to put Scouts’ rota up for Sunday; we’ve got Parade. (Mockingly) Oh, dib dib dib! Come on Brown Owl!

They exit with Kev explaining the difference between ‘Akela’ and ‘Brown Owl’. Fade to black (or crossfade).

Scene Four Lights up on the function room. The band is playing Music #3 : the ending of ‘Bye Bye Blackbird’ and Eric is at the microphone. He stands too near the microphone and tries, unsuccessfully, to sound polished and professional.

Eric

And so, ladies and gentlemen, the strains of ‘Bye Bye Blackbird’ can only mean one thing! Yes, the band can’t play owt else! But seriously folks, it’s ‘Free and Easy’ night at ‘The Last Drop’, your award-winning ‘Pub of the North’, going for the award again! Now … we want to see you, and as many as possible up here at the microphone tonight! So don’t forget! If you fancy it, just get along to our Tracy who will (drumroll) very quickly (drumroll) take your particulars down! (Rude responses from the band). Oh yes! It’s ‘Free and Easy’. Free to join in, and our Tracy’s easy! Only joking there everyone! But that’s what it’s all about ladies and gentlemen … having a laugh, and forgetting your troubles for the night. After all, she’ll still be there when you get home! So, while you’re all sorting yourselves out, let’s get the show on the road with that old favourite of the bedwetter’s when their electric blanket fused: ‘Somewhere Over The Rainbow’. I jest of course, ladies and gentlemen, because it wouldn’t be ‘Free and Easy’ night without yours truly kicking off with ‘Living Doll’! Take it away boys! Come on now girls! Let’s see those arms in the air, that’s the way! And now the legs!

The lights fade on Eric’s tuneless rendition of Music #4 : ‘Living Doll’.

Scene Five The bar area. ‘Living Doll’ gradually fades away.

Tracy

Iris

Listen to him mam! “Take it away!” I wish someone’d take him away at times! And did you hear what he said? “Free and easy!” Me! Cheeky sod! Some of them out there are daft enough to believe him you know! Me! Desperate for a man! Blimey, if I never see man again it’ll be too soon! Good God, if Tommy Webster was an example of a man, I’m glad I bailed out after a year! You’re being far too sensitive, our Tracy! Everyone knows you’re not free and easy! Staff at ‘The Albion’, yes; but us … well we brought you up to know the difference between right and wrong! I mean you got it wrong with Tommy Webster 7

Tracy

admittedly, but we all make mistakes. Mind you, I did say his eyes were too close together … still enough of that I say … It’s all about standards our Tracy, standards! You mustn’t let the past prejudice you Tracy, there are some good men out there you know. (Muttering) Yeah, and there’s a fair few nutters an’ all!

Enter Lonnie, pushing his bike. He should look as though he has been dressed by an over-zealous mother. He could wear a Balaclava and have his gloves tied on string through the arms of his duffle coat. A pair of goggles would be nice. Exasperated, Tracy moves the bike out of the way.

Iris

Lonnie Iris

Lonnie Tracy

Ooh, talking about good ‘uns, it’s Lonnie Lennox! Oh, here he is bless him! Come here my little darling! (She smothers Lonnie into her bosom). Have you come for the ‘Free and Easy’ night love? (Emerging from Iris’ bosom) I’ve come for the ‘Free and Easy’ night. (Submerges himself again). (To audience) Now you see everyone. This is what I mean about everyone being welcome here at ‘The Last Drop!’. This is Lonnie everyone, aren’t you Lonnie? He’s a regular … what are you Lonnie? (Reappearing) I’m a regular. (He submerges again). He’s like one of the family is Lonnie. (To audience). Now some pubs wouldn’t welcome the likes of Lonnie; just because he’s (mouths) slow. (Reminiscing). Lonnie. Interesting name, eh? His mam, God rest her soul, was a Lonnie Donegan fan. They reckon, but of course I’m not going to trade in such gossip, that his mam met, if you get my drift, Lonnie Donegan, after a show he did at The Palace in Manchester. Well, pointing no fingers, she was the only one round here who had an autographed copy of ‘Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavour On The Bedpost Overnight’, so there must have been something there we reckon! And there’s no doubt about it, he does have a great sense of rhythm; (she pulls his head up), don’t you Lonnie? And that doesn’t come from thin air! Tracy! Come on now and get Lonnie his usual. I’ll have my usual! Go and sit down, Lonnie. I’ll fetch your Double Diamond over.

Enter Eric, who notices Lonnie.

Eric Iris Lonnie Eric

Iris Eric Iris

Oh ay up! Stand by your beds! Here he is! What’s he here for? ‘University Challenge’? Eric! Will you be careful what you say! You know very well that Lonnie’s (loud whisper) ‘not all there’. That’s right. (He exits). Not all there? Not all there? He’s here enough to have you and our Tracy and half the women in the boozer wrapped around his little finger! If anyone’s not there, it’s you soft lot! (Pointedly) Lonnie is … slow. Slow? Well he shifts the Double Diamonds fast enough? Nowt slow about him in that department! Oh give over you! Sharon! Vanessa! Lonnie’s in, look. Go and chat to him, I’m off to put me feet up for a few minutes and plan how we’re going to win this award. Hey, tell him about your song!

Vanessa and Sharon get Lonnie on stage. They perform Music #5 : ‘Bobby’s Girl’ but replace ‘Bobby’ with ‘Lonnie’ throughout.

Eric Vanessa Sharon Eric Vanessa Eric Sharon Vanessa Eric

Very good that, girls. Oh thanks. Cheers Mr D. Been practising? A bit you know. Well stick at it! You could be the next Beverley Sisters; except there’s only two of you of course. (Unenthusiastically) Thanks. We thought we’d dabble more in Motown. Where’s that? Over Pennines? (Or insert a reference to somewhere that is distant, inaccessible and unfamiliar to him, perhaps even alien – this gag refers to the antipathy between Yorkshire and Lancashire in England; two counties separated by the Pennine mountains).

The lights fade on their dialogue.

Scene Six Lights up up on the bar area, where Kev and Steve are sitting morosely with their drinks. Steve with a pint, Kev with a half.

Kev Switch Kev Switch Kev Switch Kev Switch Kev Switch Kev Switch Kev Switch Kev Switch Kev Switch Kev Switch Kev Switch Kev Switch

Kev Switch

Tell you what mate, for a bloke who’s supposed to have problems, he’s doing OK with the ladies isn’t he? Problems? What problems? It’s all put on, pal! You reckon? Reckon? I know. How? There was this bloke on telly the other night right? A play it was … What play? It doesn’t matter … and this bloke pretended he was barmy so the cops wouldn’t think he did it! Did what? The crime! What crime? The crime that … (Losing his patience). It doesn’t bloody matter! It’s … irreverent. Actually, I think you mean ‘irrelevant’. ‘Irreverent’ means … (Interrupting) Do you want a smack in the gob? Charming! Now, just think about it for a minute. What are his problems? What? Lonnie! His problems! What are they? (Baffled) Well. Iris reckons he’s not … ‘all there’. Where? What? (Exasperated) Where isn’t he all there? (Confused) Well … isn’t he supposed to be … you know … a bit … how would you say? Retarded? Retarded! Retarded! He’s no more retarded than you or me mate. I mean think it through! He comes in here and gets free drinks most nights doesn’t he? Yeah, now you mention it. Iris thinks the sun shines out of his underpants.

Kev Switch Kev Switch Kev Switch

Kev Switch Kev Switch Kev Switch Kev Switch Kev Switch Kev Switch Kev Switch Kev Switch Kev Switch Kev Switch Kev

Switch Kev Switch Kev

Yeah. He’s pulling women faster than Eric can pull pints … bloody hell, Vanessa and Sharon are even singing to him now! (Wearily) Yeah. I’m telling you Kev, if he’s retarded then I’m Danny La Rue! Do you mean, he’s kidding? Well maybe not intentionally like. I just think he’s stumbled on to a good thing here! Well two good things really, Vanessa and Sharon. I’ll tell you what, you’d better watch him with Sharon! How do you mean? Bloody hell, Kev … do I have to spell it out? (Pausing) Yeah. (Patiently) How long have you and Sharon been … you know? Courting? Well if that’s the word you want to use, yes. One year. Yeah. Ten months. OK. Two weeks. All right. Five days. OK, now listen. Roughly. Right. (Pausing) I’ve not really checked. And how would you say things are … going? Well, we’re not rushing things. (Sarcastically) Aren’t you? No. You see Switch, I don’t think I can offer Sharon the kind of security she deserves, until I’m department sub-manager at least. Really? Yeah. And my Scouts need me too at the moment. (Pausing) Have you always been so impulsive? I like to know where I stand.

Switch

Kev Switch Kev Switch Kev Switch Kev Switch

Kev Switch

Iris

(Urgently) Well I’ll tell you where you stand, shall I? With me

over here, and our women over there, laughing and joking with Lonnie bloody Lennox! And you’re trying to tell me he’s the daft one! (They gaze across at the girls). Hey, Kev. Do you really fancy her then? Sharon I mean. Not half - Do you fancy Vanessa? Does the Pope drink Drambuie? Oh yes! I’d like to make sure she’s properly earthed. Why don’t you ask her out? (Awkwardly) Biding my time, aren’t I? Are you? Yeah. Why? (Blustering) Because … because, I’m taking the cool sophisticated approach. Like … that bloke who sings for ‘The Hollies’. Does he fancy her as well? No you daft sod! It’s just an example! Oh God, give me strength! (Enter Iris). Ey up, here comes the gaffer! A’right Mrs D? Well, better than you two by the looks of you. You look as though you’ve lost ten bob and found a tanner! Now come on, shift yourselves; get onto that stage! We’ll never win awards with customers moping about like you! Come on you two! Your turn! Get on that mike!

Kev and Steve sing Music #6 : ‘Bye Bye Love’.

Scene Seven The private reception area of the pub. As the applause dies down, lights fade on function room. Enter Ron Stone. He looks around threateningly until Tracy enters.

Tracy Ron

Tracy

Can I help you? Not unless you’re Iris Dobbins you can’t, and from what I know about her, Daisy Chain, she’s got a few more miles on the clock than you. They reckon her birth certificate’s written in hieroglyphics! (He laughs at his own joke). So, have you got a name, Tinkerbell? Or do you just respond to ‘Gorgeous’? Tracy, Tracy Dobbins. I’m Mrs Dobbins’ daughter. And I don’t like the tone of your voice.

Ron

Tracy Ron Tracy Ron Tracy Ron Tracy Ron Tracy Ron

(With mock concern) Really? Well you’d better get used to it,

Sugar Plum, because it’s a voice you’ll be hearing a lot of. Anyway, I’m not here to talk to the monkey, go and fetch the organ grinder, there’s a good girl. Can you manage that, Trace? (Coldly) Yes I can. Who shall I say wants her? Someone very important, Bubbles, very important. Tell her Ron Stone’s here, on behalf of the brewery. Here’s my card. (Reading) “WS Premises Consultant”. Correct … Webster-Stone. Webster? Yes, Tommy Webster, my business partner. What’s it to you? Oh nothing, nothing. (She reads the card again). So, what does it mean; this Webster-Stone premises consultants? It means changes, Fairy Cakes, that’s what it means. (He looks around disapprovingly). And not before time if you ask me. Changes? This pub’s won awards you know. Yeah, so has Stonehenge. Now, talking of ruins, go and fetch the old girl will you?

Exit Tracy. As Ron lurks around, Vanessa enters carrying a box of crisps. She doesn’t notice him and collides with him, dropping the box.

Vanessa

Ron

Oh sorry! Didn’t see you … (She stops, transfixed, recognising Ron). Oh my God! Dodgy Ron Stone! What are you doing here? Well may you ask, Doll, well may you ask. And if you don’t mind, less of the ‘Dodgy’, darling. (He hands her a card). Management now! … Well, well, well. Fancy us bumping into each other again! Hardly recognised you with your clothes on. (He leaves an awkward pause while he draws on a cigarette. Vanessa is troubled). Thought I’d seen the last of you.

Vanessa Ron

I hoped I had. Now that’s not nice is it? What a way to talk to an old boss! Well, well, well. Vanessa! ‘Vanessa, the undresser’. That’s what we called you wasn’t it darling? ‘Vanessa, the undresser’. Here, don’t tell me you’re strutting your stuff here! The only stripper this place could do with is to get rid of the paint! Even you could get better gigs than this one. (He leers at her). You’re still in decent nick, considering. I hear you’re pushing a barrowload of kids around? 13

Vanessa Ron Vanessa Ron

Vanessa Ron

Vanessa Ron Vanessa Ron

How do you know? I have my contacts, angel. I don’t … dance, anymore. I’m a barmaid here. I’ve put all that … other stuff, behind me. Making a new start. Really? That’s a pity. Well now, let me see. I’m going to have to be very careful about what I say aren’t I? Amazing how forgetful I can be sometimes. (Worried) You wouldn’t say anything would you? Who knows Baby Face, who knows? All I will say is that I may have a … business proposition … to put your way. This place really needs a boost and … well, I might be able to help you. And you’ll earn a lot more than the pittance you’re getting here. I don’t want people to know about … the past, round here. Well, let’s hope my careless tongue doesn’t get us both into trouble, eh? Amazing, but I find a scotch helps … a large one. I’ll get it. That’s very kind of you, Vanessa. Very kind indeed. Yes, most thoughtful. Quick as you can then, Sugar Cheeks … I’ll wait here.

Exit Vanessa as Iris enters.

Iris Ron Iris Ron

Mr Stone? Right first time. Not all the faculties gone, I see. I assume it’s Iris Dobbins? That’s right. What can I do for you? Very little I’m afraid Mrs D. I’m authorised by the brewery, in my capacity as Premises Consultant you understand, to deliver this to you. (He produces a letter from within his coat and hands it to her).

Iris Ron

Vanessa

What’s this? Copy of the brewery’s business plan. You’ll find ‘The Last Drop’ features quite significantly … oh, and a revised tenancy agreement. I’d read them carefully if I were you. (Vanessa reenters with the drink). Oh, how very kind. Very efficient member of staff you have there Mrs D. (To Vanessa). Are you sure you and I haven’t met, sweetheart? I usually have a good memory for (leering at her) faces. (Frightened) No … No, I don’t think so. 14

Ron Vanessa Ron Vanessa Ron

Are you sure? Thought I recognised you from somewhere. No. (Staring impassively) Oh … must be mixing you up with someone else, eh? Yeah. Yeah. Oh well, not to worry. (He downs his drink). Cheers! See you Mrs D. Oh, and I hope you find the documentation selfexplanatory. Well, I’ll love you and leave you … thanks for the drink.

Exit Ron. Enter Tracy.

Tracy

Iris

Mam? Can you come through? Switch is offering to check the PA. I said he’d need to clear it with you. And there’s summat I need to tell you about that creepy bloke. Has he gone? Yes, he’s gone. But I don’t think we’ve heard the last of him.

Fade to black.

Scene Eight Lights up on Sharon for her soliloquy.

Sharon

I reckon I were dead lucky to get this job you know. It’s a great pub this. Everyone’s dead friendly and I feel, well … like one of the family almost. I didn’t always want to be a barmaid. No. When I were little, and I know this sounds daft so don’t laugh, I always dreamed of being in show business but … and I know you’ll be surprised at this, I were dead shy! You should have seen me at primary school! The other kids used to make fun of me! Just because I wore specs and I were dead thin and I found reading a bit difficult, you know. Any road, it was when I were about fourteen that I got to be more popular, (she giggles), especially with the lads! They were dead friendly to me all of a sudden … don’t worry! I knew why! Not that daft. Me mam warned me any road. “Sharon”, she said, “Now listen; you can let ‘em admire the headlamps, but don’t let ‘em near the ignition!”. She always says stuff like that me mam. She used to be head cleaner at Dalton’s Car depot on Old Moor Road … until she ran off with the boss, Don Dalton. (Pause). Last we heard they were running a bar in Tenerife. (Reflectively). “Admire the headlamps”. You know, I can’t go in a car at night without thinking about me headlamps! 15

Oh, it’s a great pub this, I meet Kev here. He’s my … well... sort of boyfriend I suppose. I say sort of … we go out now and then … nowt serious like! It’s just … what’s the word? … ‘Plutonic’, that’s it. We’ve a lot in common really. We both like music and singing, and he’s in charge of the Scout troop and my sister Glynis used to be in the Brownies … Well, best get on. Got a song to practice! (Cue song intro). For Free and Easy, and if I’m good enough, Mrs Dobbins said I might get involved in ‘Pub Of The North Award’ … and you never know who might see you, Mrs Dobbins said! I could be like that Cilla Black or Lulu … I mean they had to start somewhere! Oh, wouldn’t it be great! Just think … And Kev could be my manager! ‘Cos he’s dead organised is Kev … Sharon sings Music #7 : ‘Down Town’. The rest of the company enter on the second verse to listen. At the end of the song everyone congratulates Sharon. Lonnie comes forward.

Lonnie Eric

Right! I’m gonna sing now! Oh God help us!

Lonnie performs a rendition of Music #8 : ‘Ghost Riders In The Sky’ during which he uses a tray to beat out the rhythm on his legs, arms, shoulders and, during the chorus, on his head. Lonnie is cheered on, particularly by Switch, Eric and the band. At the end of the song, Lonnie goes to sit with Kev.

Vanessa Eric Vanessa Switch Vanessa Switch

Can he do some damage, Mr Dobbins; banging his head like that? No love, they’re dead strong those trays. Why does he do it do you think? It’s to impress you, Vee! How do you mean, “to impress me”? Lonnie’s heard some women like a good bang now and again! (Eric and Switch guffaw at this joke).

Vanessa Switch Vanessa

Switch

And what would you know about that, Switch Mullen? I know what women like ,Vanessa Spinks! Do you want me to show you? You? The last good bang you had was when you fixed old Mrs Crossley’s Hoover. It blew up when you switched it on! Call yourself an electrician! I’ll have you know, I’m fully certified!

Vanessa

Well you know where they put people who are fully certified, don’t you! I’m going to rescue poor old Lonnie! I’m fed up with the way you lot treat him. (She goes over to the stage to comfort Lonnie and to argue with the band. This altercation is inaudible to audience).

Eric Switch Eric Switch

Eric

Tracy Eric Tracy Eric

Well! That’s told you lad! No worries Eric, she fancies me like mad! Oh aye? How do you work that out? You just don’t understand women, Eric old son! I was listening to this bloke on telly right? The other night right? He reckons women just play hard to get that’s all! It’s just a deep-rooted characteristic what they’ve got, left over from when we was cavemen! Cavemen? Yeah! ‘Cos you see, what they had to be sure about was that they got the fittest bloke, you see! Oh! The fittest bloke? Yeah! I mean they wouldn’t settle for the first one who comes up to the cave and knocks on the door, well they wouldn’t knock ‘cos it’d hurt their knuckles, and says “Is your Brenda in?”. (Wearily) Are you drunk? Sober as a judge. Oh, well maybe I am then. Got to keep a clear head Eric, if you’re going to score in Bedrock! (He wanders away). Survival of the fittest, pal, survival of the fittest! (Then, as he exits). “Wilma! I’m home!”. Fancy! (Enter Tracy). All right, Tracy love? Blimey, you’ve a face like a gorilla’s crotch! Cheer up - it’s ‘Free and Easy’ night, not happy hour in the mortuary! We need to see you Dad. Me and mam. In the back room. Oh bloody hell! Can’t you sort it yourselves, Tracy? I’m rushed off me feet here! No dad … it’s serious. Oh, ok then! (To Vanessa). Keep ‘Free and Easy’ going will you?

Exit Eric. The focus now turns to the stage area, where Vanessa is taking control.

Vanessa

Right everyone - I’ve got a song for you! This is for Lonnie … and Lonnie, you can help!

Vanessa and Lonnie perform Music #9 : ‘Why Do Fools Fall In Love?’ with Lonnie doing percussion, using the tray as a makeshift drum. On the applause at end of the song, the lights fade on the function room.

Scene Nine Lights up on the Dobbin’s private quarters, where Iris, Eric and Tracy are in heated discussion.

Eric Tracy Iris Tracy

Eric Iris

Eric Tracy

Eric Iris Eric Tracy

Eric

Tommy Webster! Are you sure? Course I’m sure! Stone said it himself! (Vainly) Maybe it’s another Tommy Webster? Oh don’t be daft, mam! Course it’s not another one! It’s bound to be him! Think about it! This is his pathetic way of getting his own back for me ditching him! Sidling up to the brewery with that rat Stone! Just the sort of stunt he’d pull! She’s right love. And it’s some stunt isn’t it? Twenty-five thousand pounds worth! Twenty-five thousand pounds! Where are we going to get twenty-five thousand pounds? Oh Eric, Tracy, what are we going to do? This isn’t just a pub, this is our home! What are we going to do? What does that letter say again, Tracy? It says, “It is the brewery’s aim to transform certain of it’s premises into prime entertainment venues. ‘The Last Drop’ has been identified as one earmarked for such development. As such we will not be seeking to offer incumbents extensions on current tenancies. Revised agreements are outlined in the documentation accompanying this communication”. (She holds up the agreement). And it says here that the revised figure for ‘The Last Drop’ is … twenty-five thousand pounds. That’s ridiculous! We haven’t got that sort of money! I know love. You’re right, we haven’t. Who has? And even if we had, you can bet that slimeball Stone would find ways of charging us more! (To Iris). And you tell me there are some good men out there! Well it’s not Ron Stone or Tommy Rotten Webster that’s for sure! That’s true. He’s not called Dodgy Ron for nothing. 18

Iris Eric

Tracy Iris Eric Tracy Eric Tracy Eric Iris Eric Iris

Do you know him then Eric? Well, not personally I’m pleased to say, but I’ve heard about him all right … and so have some other poor beggars in the licensed trade! I’m surprised he’s not crossed my path before. That’s because most of his activities were down South, and apparently the sorts of places he ran weren’t what you’d call friendly, homely pubs. Oh? He specialised in ‘men only’ bars and strip clubs, with girls who would … how can I put it … be forced to offer ‘special services’ if you see what I mean. Huh! That doesn’t surprise me! Oh mam, what was he like? Made my flesh creep! I’d like to make his flesh creep! Oh Eric, this can’t be the end of us surely! He can’t just get rid of us, not just like that can he? Well, I wouldn’t bet on it. He may be a rat but he’s not daft; he’s the kind of bloke who’s used to getting his own way I’m afraid. What are we going to say? How do you mean? Well, to the staff! We can’t just keep quiet! They need to know that it’s … (sobs) … over. You’re right. Best call them through I suppose. You’ll do no such thing! But love, we’ve got to do the decent thing. No, I tell you! We’ll let them know at the right time, and that won’t be until I’ve thought this through! At the moment our staff are doing what they do best; giving our regulars a real good time, and aiming to win that ‘Pub Of The North’ award! And as long as the name Dobbins is over that door out there, that’s what they’ll carry on doing! And we’ll win it! We’ll tell them when we absolutely have to … when we know there’s no hope. I’m not giving in that easily to the likes of Dodgy Ron Stone; and certainly not to Tommy Webster! And neither are you two! Do you hear? Now, come on. Lets get into that function room and give ‘em the best night out we can!

As they move to exit, Iris grimaces with pain. Eric and Tracy go to her, concerned.

Eric Tracy Iris

You all right love? Mam, are you OK? It’s nowt! Just a touch of indigestion … don’t fuss … now come on

The lights fade down to a single spotlight on Vanessa.

Scene Ten Vanessa’s soliloquy. This is underscored by Music #10 : ‘Cry Me A River’ and to which she sings extracts at the places marked. Towards the end of the song the lights come up on the function room where the rest of the cast are listening appreciatively.

Vanessa

I love this pub, me; and I love me job. In fact it isn’t just a job really, it’s almost like … me home … and Eric and Iris, they’ve been like a family to me, the family I never had. (She sings).

‘Cos it’s not easy bringing up kids on your own you know! With no dad like, not that they’ve ever had a proper dad anyway, he were off and away the minute he knew I’d fallen pregnant. Men eh? What are they like? All over you one minute, promising you this, promising you that then first sign of a bit of responsibility, they’re off! Oh, they might they say they love you, they might say anything to get what they want, and some of us are daft enough to fall for it! Well, not again I can tell you that! Next time, if there’s a next time, I won’t be so soft. You’ve got to be tough or else folk’ll walk over you! I mean look at poor old Lonnie! Oh, I know there’s some as say he’s not quite right, but he’s OK really … just needs a bit of help like all of us. Then he’d be all right! You’ll see! (She sings).

It’s great this place … given me the new start I needed, and a future for the little-uns. That’s what its all about, a future for them, and a future for me. And it’s going to take more than Ron Stone to ruin that! We’ll show him! And we’ll win that award and all! (She sings). As the applause dies, Iris enters and goes to the microphone.

Iris

Now then ladies and gentlemen. It’s not often we can afford to do this but we’ve been in discussion through there and, well, I’ve got something important to announce! (Eric and Tracy are 20

startled, thinking Iis is going to announce Ron Stone’s take-over). After careful consideration we’ve decided, (a phone rings off stage) … Tracy love, will you get that please? (Exit Tracy). Now

then where was I? Oh yes, we’ve decided that for the next half hour, your drinks are half price! Cheers from everyone as they make for the bar.

Eric Iris

Eric

(Taking Iris aside) Bloody hell, Iris! Do you think that were a

good idea? We’ll have a stampede on our hands! Eric, the thing we’re going to need most if we’re going to fight our friend Mr. Stone, is loyalty from our regulars! So we should show we appreciate them more. Now, I’ll leave you to carry on. I’m going through … still feel a bit queasy to be honest (She exits). (Resignedly) You’re not the only one!

Enter Tracy, excited.

Tracy Eric Tracy Eric Tracy Eric Tracy Eric Tracy Eric Tracy

Eric Tracy Eric Tracy

Dad! Dad! What is it? That telephone call! Yeah? It was from a woman at North-West TV! This is no time for joking Tracy, I’m not in the mood. I’m not joking! She wondered why we hadn’t acknowledged the letter! What letter? Apparently North-West TV has taken over the ‘Pub Of The North’ award, and her boss, Tony Hammond … (Interrupting) What? The Tony Hammond? From telly? Yeah, yeah! He’s directing a new show! And he’s looking for a typical pub for a location! Apparently one of his researchers came in here, anonymous like, and recommended us after watching a ‘Free and Easy’ night! So what do we do? About the letter like? Well that’s just it? It was sent to the Brewery instead of direct to us … and I’ve got a good idea who’s got it! Dodgy Ron Stone! Can’t they send us another? No time! They need a formal response dead quick! Oh dad! Isn’t it great? 21

Eric

Lets not count our chickens, love! Right, I’ll go and sort summat out with your mam. We’ve got to get that letter! Now, Tracy, get the gang together and get on that stage! Keep ‘Free and Easy’ going! We’ll have to be good to stand a chance with them telly people!

Tracy rushes to the others and gets them on stage. The musical director makes an announcement.

And, ladies and gentlemen … to wind up this part of ‘Free and Easy’ here’s an old ‘Last Drop’ favourite!

Vocal rendition of Music #11 : ‘Rock Around The Clock’. As the applause dies down, Eric re-enters and Tracy approaches him excited.

Tracy Eric

What did she say dad? What did mam say? She’s not said ‘owt … she can’t … she’s collapsed!

Quick curtain.

END OF ACT ONE INTERVAL ACT TWO Scene One A few days later. Lights up on the function room of ‘The Last Drop’. With the exception of Iris, all of the cast are on stage. There is a heated and animated discussion going on about the future of the pub. As the lights come up fully, Eric silences everyone.

Eric

I just felt you deserved to know the score that’s all! With Iris taking that funny turn the other night you were bound to be worried! It’s all the stress from this attempted take-over!

Enter Iris. Everyone is looking morose

Iris Tracy

Look at the lot of you! Well what do you expect, mam? They’re all worried about what might happen. 22

Sharon Vanessa

Sharon Eric

Tracy Iris Eric Iris

Yeah! I mean it’s not just our jobs Mrs. Dobbins, No, Sharon’s right! We’re not thinking of ourselves … well I suppose we are a bit to be honest, but I just can’t believe it’s all going to end. What will we do? Well at least you’ve got your lives in front of you. There’s always work for good bar staff. You’ll be all right girls … wish I could say the same for Iris and me … we’re on the scrap heap good and proper! Don’t say that! (Angrily) Yes! Tracy’s right! Don’t say that! Well, what else can I say? I’m just being realistic that’s all! No you’re not! You’re being pessimistic! And you’ve been like that ever since that lousy so-and-so Ron Stone slithered in here! Now it’s not good enough I tell you! I will not allow him to come in here and ruin everything we’ve worked for! Tracy, go and get my tablets love; they’re in my bag in the back room. (Exit Tracy). Now listen everyone. I know it’s difficult, but we’ve got to do summat positive. Now then, who’s up for it?

There is a chorus of approval from everyone. The last voice heard is Lonnie’s.

Lonnie Eric Switch Vanessa Eric Iris

Lonnie

And I’ll help as well! Oh, Christ! Well that does put us in the driving seat doesn’t it? Not half! If he’d been on the Titanic he’d have thought they were just stopping to take ice on board! Will you stop going on about Lonnie! His heart’s in the right place Pity his brain isn’t That’s quite enough from you two! Vanessa’s right! You’re wrong to make fun of Lonnie. If everyone were as considerate as him the world would be a better place. Wouldn’t it Lonnie? What’s the Titanic?

Eric and Steve groan.

Iris

See! You’ve set him off worrying now! (To Switch). You and your joking! Now it’s got to stop, do you hear? (Eric and Steve mumble an apology to Lonnie. Tracy re-enters with Iris’ tablets).

Thanks Tracy love … Now, I’m going through to take these tablets.

Eric Iris Tracy Iris

Tracy Eric

And don’t forget the doctor told you to rest. I know, I know! Blimey I’m not likely to forget with you two going on at me. We’re only thinking of you, mam … go and put your feet up. I will, love. But he never said ‘owt about resting this did he? (Pointing to her head). We need to get our hands on any correspondence about this pub that Stone’s got. And I’m going to plan a way to do it! I’ll leave you to get ‘em practising for the next Free and Easy, Tracy love (She exits). Right come on you lot, let’s start … and we need to have a song that Lonnie knows. Oh right! ‘Ten Green Bottles’ it is then. (He laughs at his own joke until told off by Tracy).

They all gather round the musicians, who begin to tune up. The music and lights fade, leaving one spotlight on Kev for his soliloquy.

Scene Two Kev

Well, I wouldn’t say it was love at first sight actually. In fact she hit me over the head with my satchel because I was reading harder books than her … we were nine … in Mrs Macy’s class. Sharon lived round the corner from us, and our mams worked at Dalton’s together. And after junior school we drifted apart really … Well, she was with a different crowd than me … in them days it was all about football, hanging about with the lads, getting into all kinds of scrapes … and as for me, well that didn’t appeal much. I had my music lessons and stuff. We met again, properly so to speak, a lot later when she came into the Council offices. Her mam had to go into care because she took poorly, and I helped with the paperwork and everything. We’re very different, but we’ve got a lot in common as well. People find that hard to believe but it’s true. I don’t know what she’d do if she lost her job at ‘The Last Drop’. She loves the place. I’m worried about her I am. I mean, I’ll be there for her, ‘course I will. I’m just not sure I could compete with the magic of this place. Still, we’ve got our music.

Kev sings Music #12 : ‘Can’t Help Falling In Love’. Lights fade on applause.

Scene Three. Lights up on the private room of the pub, where Iris is resting on an easy chair with her feet on a stool. There is a knock at the door.

Iris

Come in

Enter Vanessa

Vanessa Iris Vanessa Iris Vanessa Iris Vanessa

Iris Vanessa Iris Vanessa Iris Vanessa Iris Vanessa Iris Vanessa Iris Vanessa Iris Vanessa Iris Vanessa

Hello, Mrs. Dobbins. Hello, Vanessa love. How’re you feeling? We’re all worried about you. I’m just tired love, just tired. Nowt to worry about, it’ll pass. Is our Tracy coping? Course she is. Yeah … She’s a good’un is Tracy. It’s nice of you to pop in Vanessa. Do you want to sit down? Oh thanks (She sits). Actually this isn’t a social call. (Quickly). Oh, I mean I want to see you, course I do but … well … it’s sort of business, like. Business? How do you mean, business? You’ll have to see Tracy or Eric, love. Well, it’s just … I’ve got something to tell you! Oh dear, you’re not in any kind of trouble, are you love? No. And are the twins OK? They’re fine; no it’s nowt like that What is it then? Well, it’s to do with Ron Stone. Ron Stone! That swine! (Concerned). Hey, he’s not harmed you has he? I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him! No, he’s not harmed me … but there’s something I need to tell you. Go on love … Well, do you remember when he asked if he knew me? Yeah … Well he does know me, he was trying to scare me. How does he know you? Well, the truth is Mrs Dobbins, he knows the ‘old’ me.

Iris Vanessa

Iris Vanessa Iris Vanessa Iris Vanessa Iris Vanessa

What do you mean the ‘old’ you? (Upset) Oh, I never wanted to tell anyone! I thought I’d put all that life behind me! I just wanted to get away … came here to make a new start … for me and the kids! The truth is … oh, I don’t know how to tell you! (Gently) Just try love. Well … I danced … in his club like, down South. Danced? Well … it weren’t just dancing … (Smiles) Oh, I see! You were a stripper! Yeah … In Ron Stone’s club. Yeah! Oh, believe me Mrs Dobbins, I never wanted to! Not really! But I needed the money and I had no-one to turn to … (She cries).

Iris Vanessa Iris

Vanessa Iris Vanessa Iris

Vanessa Iris Vanessa

Iris

Hey come on now. Don’t get upset. I understand. You do? Course I do! There’s loads of vulnerable young women at the beck and call of the Ron Stone’s of this world! The tragedy is that there’s blokes like him … not women like you. I just had to tell you! I was scared that he’d … blackmail me … Blackmail you? Well, yeah. And you’re right to tell me, love! That bloke would do anything to anyone to get his way. Look at the way he’s intercepted the letter from the telly people! And trying to get his hands on this place! Life, ‘eh? It just isn’t fair! I thought if anyone had learned that by now it’s you, love. But there you go, there’s not a lot we can do about it, it seems. Well, Mrs D, I’ve been thinking … and I think there is something we can do. He’s not the only one capable of a few dirty tricks! Vanessa love, I don’t want you taking any risks for Eric and me!

Vanessa

Iris Vanessa Iris

No, me mind’s made up Mrs D … he’s not going to get away with it! Not without a fight any road! If I can’t do summat for you after all you’ve done for me, it’s a bad do! And I don’t want to work for anyone else! As I say, me mind’s made up! Will you help me? Well, I can’t do a great deal at the moment, love. But if I can help in any way, count me in! Great! Thanks Mrs D! I’ll go and join the others. You do love … give ‘em something to sing about!

Lights fade down as Vanessa leaves to go into the function room to join the others, who are chatting with each other. Switch sees Vanessa arrive and approaches her, attempting to look nonchalant and sophisticated. As the following conversation gets more heated, the other characters gradually turn their attention to listen, so that by the time Switch is humiliated, it is very public.

Switch Vanessa Switch

Vanessa Switch Vanessa Switch Vanessa Switch Vanessa Switch Vanessa Switch Vanessa

Ciao! What? Ah! No hable the old espaniel, eh? (He mimes playing castanets and dancing a flamenco). Ole! What a mover eh? I’m like a cat, my moves are … what’s the word? … sinus, that’s it! Do you want to play with my maracas? Shift out of me way, will you? Voulez vous couchez avec moi, ce soir? Pardon? Oh, don’t understand, eh? Never mind, what I have to say to you is understood the whole world over! That’s good! Because what I’ve got to say to you, is understood the whole world over. That’s the way! Don’t resist it, Vee! As they say … ‘that’s amore’. What? Amore! a-more-ay! So, come on then be honest, what eventually made up your mind? Do you really want to know? You’ve got taste babe, I trust your judgement. (With increasing anger) Good! Because my judgement, Steve Mullen, tells me that I wouldn’t be seen dead with you, if you were the last man on God’s earth! I’ve just about had enough of men who think they can mess about, ruining women’s lives as if they’ve got some divine bloody right! So listen to me for 27

once, and I’ll give you some advice … and this time it isn’t from “some bloke on the telly” … it’s from this woman, who’s had enough of that man, and his pathetic attempts to pretend he’s The Last Drop’s answer to James Bond! Don’t try it on with me! I’m fed up with it! Now bugger off! We’ve got more important things to do here; like winning this competition and saving this pub from yet another slimy bloke who’s nowt but a schoolyard bully! (There is an awkward silence as the cast look at Switch as he takes in this public humiliation). Now come on you lot, Iris wants to hear music, not stupid squabbles from folks as should know better! Apart from Switch the others prepare for the song. Kev approaches Switch awkwardly.

Kev Switch

OK? (With false nonchalance) Me? Yeah … I’m OK … Must be the

time of the month. All exi,t except the girls, who sing Music #13 : ‘These Boots Were Made For Walking’.

Scene Three The refrain from Music #14 : ‘When I Fall In Love’ underscores the opening of this scene. Tracy and Switch are on opposite sides of the stage, initially unaware of each other’s presence. Switch, clearly shaken by Vanessa’s tirade, is smoking a cigarette. Tracy, deep in thought, also smokes as she considers her troubles. Tracy begins to sing ‘When I Fall In Love’; quietly at first, but then with more confidence. Switch, surprised, hears her and moves, unnoticed, towards her. He listens for a while and then gently moves nearer. The music underscores the following text.

Switch Tracy Switch Tracy Switch Tracy Switch Tracy

Hiya. Switch! … didn’t see you there … No … No … I just fancied a bit of … peace and quiet … you know … (Gently) Yeah … I know. (Pause). You OK? (Quietly) Yeah … I’m OK … well not bad, considering … Don’t take it to heart, Switch … what Vanessa said, she was just upset. (Unconvincingly) Oh …water off a duck’s back that … Yeah …

Pause. 28

Switch Tracy Switch Tracy Switch

Tracy Switch Tracy Switch Tracy Switch Tracy Switch Tracy Switch

She’s right you know. What do you mean? I don’t mean to get on people’s nerves. Steve, she was angry, she wasn’t thinking … (Interrupting) … but she was thinking, Tracy! And she probably said what a lot of women think about me! That I’m flash, and trying to be something I’m not! And that’s why I said she were right … she’s got me right! Sometimes I don’t think I know the real me, myself! … Do I sound barmy? Course you don’t! We all have our secrets, Steve. So I see. What? You! … I didn’t know you could sing like that. Oh, you weren’t supposed to hear … Glad I did though … You’re good. Why haven’t you sung solo before? Don’t know really. Not had much to sing about I suppose, what with me marriage trouble and all this about the pub. It’ll get sorted. You reckon? Yeah … there was this bloke on telly right … (He stops himself. They both laugh). Any road, there was! And he said that once you face life’s problems … accept them like and not just kid yourself they don’t exist … you can deal with them, ‘cos it’s just life, that’s all, it’s just life.

They both now sing the last verse and chorus of ‘When I Fall In Love’. At the end of the song, Tracy goes to exit until stopped by Switch.

Switch Tracy Switch Tracy Switch Tracy Switch Tracy

Tracy? Yeah? (Pausing) I just wanted to say …

Yeah …? Thanks. It’s all right … that’s what friends are for. Friends? Yeah … friends.

For a moment it looks as though Switch might kiss her.

Switch

See you, Tracy. 29

Tracy

See you, Switch.

She exits. After a pause, Switch follows.

Scene Four Lights up on Ron Stone’s office. Ron is sitting with his legs stretched out on his desk. He is speaking on the phone.

Ron

All right, Stan? Yeah, yeah it’s going fine … couldn’t be better, my friend. I told you the job was in safe hands, don’t you worry matey! What with that Dobbins crew out of the way and the North West TV contract there begging to be taken, all is coming up roses, my friend … roses with a capital ‘R’. (There is a knock at the door). Look, I’m going to have to love you and leave you buddy, I’ve got visitors. The last little cog in the wheel to be sorted, if you follow me? I asked them to call after hours … What? … Well you know me, Stanley, I’m just a work machine! Ciao for now, Stanley boy! (He hangs up and goes to open the main office door into the hallway. Vanessa and Sharon appear. They seem to be somewhat in awe of him. Both girls carry small cases and are obviously quite heavily made up and ‘flirtily dressed’). Well, well, well! It’s the Lone Ranger and

Vanessa Ron Vanessa Sharon Ron

Vanessa Ron

Tonto! Glad you saw sense, Vanessa! Well, as I said on the ‘phone I think you’re right … ‘think of number one’, seemed to be good advice. Exactly, Honey Bun! ‘Good Advice’ is my middle name! Now, (leering at Sharon) who is this little Fluff Bundle? This is the friend I was telling you about. Sharon, this is Mr Stone. Hello, Mr Stone. I’m Sharon. Now, now, now, what’s all this ‘Mr’, bit? I’m sure we can all be a bit less formal, eh? Especially as I’m going to be seeing (pause) a lot more of you young beauties, eh? Call me Ron. I like my staff to feel at home with me … I’m a relaxed sort of boss, isn’t that right Vanessa? Oh yes, that’s right … Ron. Course it is! Course it is! Now, come on, let me take those coats of yours! (He takes their coats, leering as he does so). That’s better! Vanessa, you’re still as trim and lovely as ever I see. And as for you, Bubbles, well what can I say? Nature’s footpump has certainly blessed you hasn’t it! 30

Sharon

(She thinks for a moment and then smiles at him) Oh, I see what you mean! Well, the customers at the pub don’t complain. (She giggles).

Ron

I’m sure they don’t Honey Bus! I’m sure they don’t! Now then to business! (He plonks an A4 file on the desk. It is marked ‘The Last Drop’). You’re both interested in my, erm, proposition then I take it? Certainly! I mean Sharon and me both thought that if there’s a chance of keeping our jobs then we’d be daft to say no. Isn’t that right, Sharon? Yeah! As you say Mr … I mean, Ron … ‘look after number one’. Exactly! And just think, girls. (He taps the file). It’s not just your present jobs … I’ve got plans for you. It’s all in there! ‘The Last Drop’ will become one of the area’s best entertainment venues! TV, the lot! Oh yes, with the right leadership, (points to himself) and the right (points to the girls) assets, we’ll go far. And that’s where you come in. Dancing? Well, I don’t want you to mop floors do I? (He laughs at his own joke). No, you girls have the sort of ‘assets’, I’m looking for.

Vanessa

Sharon Ron

Vanessa Ron Vanessa Sharon Ron

Vanessa Sharon Ron Vanessa Ron Sharon Vanessa Ron

Thank you.

At least I think you have! (To Vanessa). Long time since I saw you in action, Rose Queen! Things could have changed … (To Sharon) And as for you, Angel Eyes, well, you’re a bit of an unknown, aren’t you? That’s why I need to check the goods myself. ‘Quality Control’ you might say. So … you’ve brought your gear in I see. (He indicates the cases). Course. Yeah. Well then, let’s go through into the other office … less cluttered there. Oh no, Ron … can’t we do it in here? Here? Yeah! We planned a routine you see! Thought we could use the desk … we thought … … you’d like it … Very saucy! 31

Vanessa Sharon Vanessa Sharon Ron Sharon Ron Vanessa

Could you give us a minute? To get changed like? Don’t want to show you all our secrets too soon! Yeah, might spoil the surprise! I like your style, Sugar Kittens! I’ll go and get us some drinks, shall I? Oh, that’s kind! Kindness? Another of my middle names, Wide Eyes. That’s right isn’t it, Vanessa? Oh absolutely.

By now the girls have opened their suitcases. Ron peers into them and from one, produces a whip.

Ron

My, my! You have been imaginative haven’t you? Right - give me two minutes!

Exit Ron through an inner office door (which must open inwards onto the stage) to an adjoining room. The moment he is gone, the girls start to look round the office. Throughout this piece of action they improvise dialogue relating to the ‘act’ they are preparing for Ron. Sharon rushes to the main office door and gives a ‘thumbs up’. Vanessa grabs the ‘Last Drop’ file. Enter Kev and Switch. Kev is carrying his briefcase; Switch, his toolbox. Switch asks Sharon in a stage whisper to show him the fusebox. Kev takes a number of coloured files from his case, takes the original file from Vanessa, chooses one that matches the ‘Last Drop’ one, and swaps them. Vanessa and Kev then move Ron’s desk over to the inner office door and place in a position which prevents the door from opening more than a few inches - just enough though for Ron to later get his hand in to the light switch. Sharon takes some rope from a suitcase and, moving Ron’s chair over, ties it to the desk, creating a larger barricade. Switch, meanwhile, has taken items from his toolbox and, now directed by Vanessa, he heads for the fusebox, where, with his back to audience, he tinkers with the fuses. Throughout all of this the girls are giggling as if getting ready for Ron. Lonnie then enters through the main office door wearing his cycling gear, carrying a car’s wheelnut wrench and his bike lamp. When all is ready, Sharon, Vanessa, Kev, Switch and Lonnie gather centre stage and give each other the ‘thumbs-up’ sign. Ron’s voice is heard off stage.

Ron

(Offstage) Are we ready girls? A few special drinkies coming

up! All of the others check again that everything is ready, before Vanessa answers.

Vanessa

Just about ready Ron! We’ll just switch the lights off. 32

Ron Sharon Ron

(Offstage) What?

That’s right Ron, we’ve got some special effects! Don’t switch the light on ‘til we tell you! Are you ready? (Offstage) Ready!

Vanessa signals to Lonnie to turn his lamp on. He does so. Sharon signals to Switch to turn off the main lights. He does so, plunging everywhere into darkness, although there must be sufficient light near the inner office door to clearly see Ron’s hand (either Lonnie’s lamp or a very dim stage light).

Vanessa Ron

OK Ron … we’re ready! (They all exit). Switch on! (Offstage) Here we go then, Honey Cakes! Coming ready or not!

The inner office door opens slightly, and Ron’s hand appears. As he switches the lights on there is a bang, as all of the lights fuse; a clatter as the drinks fall; and the hammering on the door, as Ron tries to open it, but is prevented from doing so by the barricaded furniture. The scene ends to this clamour and Ron’s yelled abuses.

Scene Five Lights up on the private rooms of the pub. Iris and Tracy are in conversation.

Tracy Iris Tracy

Iris

Tracy Iris

Well it all sounds a bit incredible to me … and risky. Mam, are you sure that’s what they said? Course I’m sure! I might be poorly but I’m not daft you know! Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just that when you’re having to lie around like this you have too much time… well to dwell on things too much like … think too much perhaps …’ Well I haven’t thought too much, our Tracy! I’ve thought, course I have; but I’ve thought carefully, and there’s a big difference believe you me! But mam, have you really considered the risks? Plans can go wrong you know. What have I got to lose Tracy? What have I got to lose? I can’t go on like this, can I? Kidding, myself, trying to ignore the inevitable. I always told myself that if owt like this ever happened to me, I’d at least make a fight of it. And do you think they know what they’re doing? Yeah. Yeah, I do. I think if I’m going to pull through this lot, I need a good team. And I know I can trust them Tracy. And I’ve every confidence in you to run this place. This is the least I can do for you. 33

Tracy Iris Tracy Iris

Tracy Iris Tracy Iris Tracy Iris Tracy Iris Tracy Iris Tracy Iris Tracy Iris Tracy Iris Tracy

Don’t say that, mam. No, it’s true. We owe a lot to you Tracy - me and your dad. Mam! What’s brought this on? I don’t like you talking like this. No, let me finish Tracy. Heaven knows there’s never enough time, especially in this trade, to talk to your kids. I mean, really talk - and it’s a bad do that it takes summat like this to make us realise it. No, the fact is Tracy, and it’s no good you trying to tell me different, that you’ve had a rough deal. We were always occupied running the business, listening to other people’s tales of woe and ignoring our own family. Who knows, if we’d been around for you more, we might have rumbled that tow-rag you married before he took you for every penny you had! Tommy Webster! He were a villain mam … a con man. Ay, well he conned us all right! And we mustn’t let owt like that happen again! Do you hear me? Don’t worry, mam. I’m not that stupid! ‘Once bitten’ and all that you know. Ay. Now. How’re you feeling? Don’t you think you should start following your instructions? What? Well, now’s as good a time as any to start that ‘recovery plan’. (Laughing) You’re right. Cover me legs with that blanket, love; I’ll rest I think. (Tracy does so). That’s better. Now, is there anything else? No love, I don’t think so … oh, apart from … What? I want none of this to get to your dad. Mam! Are you sure? I don’t think … (Interrupting) Yes I’m sure! Now promise me Tracy! It’s for the best, believe me. If you say so. I do say so! Now, I’ll start my rest. OK mam, see you in a bit.

Lights fade. Lights up on function room.

Scene Six Sharon and Kev are outside.

Sharon Kev Sharon Kev Sharon

Kev Sharon Kev Sharon Kev Sharon Kev Sharon Kev Sharon Kev Sharon Kev Sharon Kev

You were brilliant, Kev! (Proudly) Was I? Yeah! You reminded me of that bloke in the chocolate advert! The Milky Bar Kid? No dopey! The one in the black jumper that climbs walls and everything to bring the chocolates to his girlfriend! Dead romantic! … Didn’t know you had it in you … Well, neither did I to be honest … but … well … I had to help you didn’t I? Oh you little love! (She kisses him). I’m proud of you, Kev! Are you? Yeah, and do you know why I’m proud of you? Why? ‘Cos you’re reliable. You’re not just saying that are you? Course not! Why do you ask? Well it’s just that sometimes I think I’m a bit … boring. Boring? Well … sometimes. Well you weren’t boring back there in Dodgy Ron’s place! You surprised us all! I might have more surprises for you! Oh yeah? Like what? They wouldn’t be surprises if I told you would they? Now come on! Let’s get back!

They exit hurriedly as the lights fade.

Scene Seven Lights up on one of the pub’s private rooms where Eric sits alone, smoking. Tracy enters busily, carrying glasses.

Eric Tracy Eric

Tracy love … have you got a minute? Oh dad, can’t it wait? You can see I’m busy, what with mam to look after and everything. Well, that’s just it, your mam. That’s what I want to talk to you about. 35

Tracy Eric Tracy Eric Tracy Eric Tracy Eric

Tracy Eric

Tracy Eric Tracy Eric Tracy Eric Tracy

(Gently) What is it?

How is she do you think? Well the doctor says she just needs to rest. I know what the doctor says! They’ll say owt at times they will! (Pause). I’m worried about her, Tracy. I know you are dad, but she’s made of tough stuff. She’ll get over it, you’ll see. D’you reckon? I reckon. I hope so. Because you see … well, I’ve been thinking like … and … well, fact is love … I don’t know what I’d do without her. (Embracing him) Oh dad, don’t think like that! Can’t help it love. We’ve been together that long you see, and we’ve been here that long! I think losing this place would be the last straw! That’d finish her, Tracy! But we’re not going to lose the place dad! We’re fighting! And if us Dobbins’s are anything, we’re fighters. You’re a good ‘un, Tracy. Well, I’m telling you dad. I’ve had enough setbacks in my life, what with a ropey marriage and all. This place is all we’ve got! I’d always hoped it’d be your name over that door after your mam and me packed it in. And it will be Dad! We’ve got plans! Have we? How come I don’t know ‘em? Because sometimes … just sometimes, there’s things best left to us women! Now come on, cheer up. As mam always says, “We’ve got a pub to run!”

Tracy ushers Eric into the bar where he busies himself by clearing things under the counter so that he is temporarily out of sight. Enter Switch.

Switch Tracy Switch Tracy

Hiya! Hiya, Switch. You OK? I’m fine.

There’s an affectionate glance between the two of them which is interrupted by Eric who pops up from behind the bar.

Eric

All right, Switch? 36

Switch Tracy

Switch Eric Switch Eric Switch Eric Switch Eric Switch Eric Switch Eric Switch Eric Switch

Eric Switch Eric Switch Eric Switch Eric Switch

Fine Eric, just fine … (To Tracy). How’s Mrs D? (Recomposing herself to her old business-like self) She’s OK, and she’ll be even better when she knows this place is running properly. See you in a bit. (She exits). Kev not here yet? No. That’s good. Why? What’s up? You’ll see when he gets here. I wanted to be here early … to see the reaction. What reaction? His new image. What new image? (Proudly) Only the one I’ve developed for him! You? Who better? You see Eric, it’s like this. You know our Kev is a bit … how shall I put it? A bit slow in … you know … Coming forward? Precisely! Especially where the ladies, or should I say, a certain lady is concerned. Sharon? Got it in one! Well, I’ve been explaining to him that he needs a new approach … well to be fair he just needs an approach! Any road, I’ve offered to give him a few tips, like. What? On catching women? Yep. Forgive me but isn’t that a bit like asking Bernard Manning for advice on Weight Watchers? What? Well, I’ve seen you and your attempts to catch women … Vanessa; remember? Well there’s always an exception! Anyway it’s more a style thing … and even you must confess, Eric … Yes lad I’ll give you that … you’ve got style all right! And so will Kev, mate! So will Kev! Just you see!

Enter Vanessa and Sharon

Eric

All right girls? By gum, you’re looking like cats who’ve got the cream. 37

Switch Vanessa Sharon Eric Vanessa Sharon Eric Vanessa Sharon

‘Cos I’m here, isn’t it Vanessa. (Sarcastically) Oh yeah that’ll be right! You’d turn the cream you would! How’s Mrs D? Not bad girls, not bad. Can we go through and see her? We’ve got summat to tell her. That’s right. Well maybe in a bit, girls. She’s having a rest and we’ve got to get this place ready first. That’s fine. OK then.

Everyone sets to work until they are stopped by Switch’s dramatic announcement.

Switch

And, ladies and gentlemen … here … he … is!

Enter Kev, dressed ludicrously. He is like a cross between Tom Jones, Elvis Presley and one of Rolling Stones. He has a huge medallion hanging round his neck, platform shoes and dark glasses. He tries to enter nonchalantly, but, because of his dark glasses, barges into the drummer and drums. He gradually regains his composure and, removing his glasses, again tries to act casually as he addresses people.

Kev

Evening Eric … Evening Vanessa … Evening Sharon.

The girls exit quickly, mumbling excuses about seeing Mrs Dobbins.

Kev Eric Kev Eric Kev Switch Eric Switch

Kev Switch Eric

(To Eric) A pint of your best mixed, landlord please.

You normally only drink halves. That was then … this is now. What’s that around your neck? A dustbin lid? That, Eric baby, is … a medallion. It’s macho, Eric. It’s dangerous! What would happen if you got that trapped in your fan belt? What’s moocho about that? Don’t be soft Eric! You don’t wear gear like that to decoke the bloody car! And it’s ‘macho’, not ‘moocho’! God, what are you like? That’s right This is socialising clobber Eric! Wearing this, you’re making a statement! Wearing that you’re making a mistake!

Kev Tracy Kev Tracy

Kev Switch Kev

You have to move with the times Eric, move with the times. (Enter Tracy). Hi Trace! Hiya Kev. (To Eric). You didn’t tell me next ‘Free and Easy’ was fancy dress, dad! It isn’t fancy dress, Tracy. Well you could have fooled me! Have you seen yourself? Do the Scouts do a ‘make a tit of yourself badge’ now? (She goes behind the bar with Eric). (To Switch) Hey … do you think I’ve misjudged this?

Not at all! That’s what you get for bringing London fashion to the North! You’re trailblazing, Kev. Oh.

Enter Lonnie.

Kev Lonnie Eric Lonnie Kev

All right Lonnie? (To Eric) That’s not fair! What isn’t? No-one told me it was Fancy Dress tonight. (Irritated) It isn’t Fancy Dress! (Sulkily). Just get used to it will you?

Vanessa and Sharon re-enter.

Vanessa Eric Vanessa Sharon Eric Vanessa Sharon Eric Kev Sharon Kev Sharon Kev Sharon Kev Sharon

Oh, Mr Dobbins! What is it love? Mrs D needs to see you. Yeah … it’s urgent! (Worried) Is she OK? She’s fine. Just needs to tell you something. Important. Oh, right you are! Good job she’s not seeing this lot! That would do her in! (He exits). (To Sharon) Hiya, Sharon. Hiya, Kev. Bet you hardly recognise me eh? Hardly. What do you think? Told you I had a surprise for you. Words fail me. (Excitedly) Really? Yeah. 39

Kev Switch Kev Vanessa Others Vanessa Kev

Hey, Switch! What? (Proudly) She’s speechless! Well I tell you what! What? At least we’ve got one more song for ‘Free and Easy’ … What’s that?

The whole group sing a rendition of Music #15 : ‘Dedicated Follower Of Fashion’. The company exit at the end of the song. Eric enters and finds Kev’s glasses and medallion lying on a table. Tentatively he picks them up, and then, after looking around, tries them on and enjoys modelling himself as Tom Jones for a moment. As he turns round he sees, much to his embarrassment, that Lonnie has entered.

Eric Lonnie Eric Lonnie Eric Lonnie Eric Lonnie

Oh Lonnie lad! Didn’t know you were here. I bet you think I’m right … … Daft? Well I wasn’t going to say that quite … Why not? You’ve said it plenty of times before … and so have loads of others. Folks don’t mean owt by it Lonnie lad! They’re just having a (awkward pause) laugh. But it isn’t funny, Eric! It isn’t funny No … no, I can see that lad. I mean, how you look can give folk the wrong idea … Rumours spread don’t they?

Eric

(Suddenly thinking that Lonnie is going to tell everyone about his dressing up) Ey, Lonnie lad, you’re not going to tell …

Lonnie Eric Lonnie Eric Lonnie Eric Lonnie

Tell folks? Course not Eric … Your secret’s safe with me. Secret? What bloody secret? You wanting to be young again. What! … I don’t … Relax Eric … You don’t have to say owt. I understand. I think you’ve got the wrong end of the … I might not say much Eric, but I watch people … And I listen … What’s slow about that? (Thoughtfully) Nowt, lad … nowt. (Tapping Eric on the shoulder) Keep your dreams, Eric. (He slaps Eric playfully on the cheek). Keep your dreams …

Eric Lonnie

Exeunt. Fade to black.

Scene Eight Subdued lighting in the hallway of the pub. The scene opens to the sound of pummelling on the door and Dodgy Ron yelling threats. As the lights come up, Tracy, dressed sombrely, answers the door. Ron storms in.

Ron Tracy Ron Tracy Ron Tracy Ron

Right! Where are they! Where are who? Don’t ‘who’ me, Sugar Cheeks! How many barmaids you got in this doss house? You mean Vanessa and Sharon? Well I don’t mean Pinky and bleedin’ Perky do I? Are they through there? (Makes as if to go until stopped by Tracy). Wait! I’ll fetch them. Now’s not a good time (She exits). (Calling after her) You bet it isn’t, Angel Eyes! Now’s a very bad time … especially for those two tarts! Don’t keep me waiting! They won’t be hard to find! Look wherever you keep the rubbish!

Enter Vanessa and Sharon, dressed mainly in black.

Ron Vanessa Ron

Sharon Ron

Sharon Vanessa Ron

Tracy

Oh, and here they are look! Thunderbirds are go! Well you’ve pulled your last trick babes, I can guarantee you that! Can you keep the noise down please? You’ve come at a very difficult time. (Furiously) Difficult! Difficult! Don’t try telling me what’s difficult, lady high and mighty! I’ll tell you what’s difficult! … being locked in my own bleedin’ office in the dark and having to break my own doors down! Now that’s what I call difficult! Well you’re here now. We thought you’d be quicker. And I would have been quicker my little pneumatic beach baby! Oh yes, I would have been! Except my car goes quicker on wheels not bricks! You two little streetwalkers have got a lot to answer for! We know nothing about cars do we Vanessa? Nothing. Yeah, now that I might believe! The only bits of cars the likes of you would know is the back seats! Right - you’re going to pay for this! No-one, but no-one crosses Ron Stone and gets away with it! Now fetch me the landlady. (Entering) They can’t. 41

Ron Vanessa Sharon Ron

Tracy Ron

Can’t they? Have I got to do everything for myself in this dive? Tracy’s right. We can’t fetch her … No-one can. Why do you think we’re in black? (Realising) Oh don’t tell me the old girl’s popped her clogs! Well, well, well; things aren’t as bad as I thought. What is it they say? “Every cloud has a silver lining” … looks like I’ll be running this place sooner than I thought! Oh no you won’t. You’re wasting your time fighting this, Baby Cakes … I’ve got plans!

Enter Kev, dressed normally but with black tie and/or armbands.

Kev Ron Sharon Ron Kev Sharon Ron Sharon

Ron

Tracy Sharon Vanessa Ron

Yeah, we know. (Holds up the file). We’ve seen them. And who the hell do you think you are? He’s Kevin! He’s my boyfriend! Is he? Am I? And he’s the Scout Leader. Oh … I wondered who’d tied me bloody furniture together. (To Kev). So you’re bleedin’ Baden-Powell then are you? (Proudly) No! I did it! Kev’s taught me a lot of things with ropes! (Reaction from others to the bondage connotations of this remark). (To Kev) Well my friend, you might just have tied your own

noose this time! And while we’re at it you can give me that file back. No way! You shouldn’t have had half the stuff in there anyway. Yeah … like a letter from North West TV that were meant for Mrs Dobbins. And a forged tenancy agreement. Well, well, well … right bunch of Sherlock Holmes we’ve got here haven’t we? (Sarcastically). Can’t keep you lot in the dark eh?

Enter Switch, carrying fuses and wires which he dangles in his hand.

Switch

No, that’s my job mate!

Ron Tracy Ron Kev Sharon Vanessa Switch Ron Vanessa Ron Sharon Ron Tracy Ron

Oh, they’re crawling our of the woodwork now aren’t they? And who the hell are you? That’s Switch. Mr Mullen to you … he’s my fiancé. Is he? Is he? Is he? Is he? Am I? So boys and girls, I’m impressed by the Famous Five routine, but it’ll get you nowhere. Are you saying you can get away with this? A brownie point to Vanessa the Undresser! Even though you’ve been opening other people’s mail and fiddling legal documents? That’s right, Poppet … so all your brains aren’t in your bra. I have friends … in all the right places sweetheart. We’ll fix you for this, Ron Stone (Sarcastically) Ooh … shaky, shaky knees! I’m scared. Now if you don’t mind, I’ll get back to my vehicle. (Enter Lonnie dressed normally but with black tie and/or armbands. He has a car wheelnut brace and is jingling the wheelnuts from Ron’s car in a jamjar). God almighty! And who is this?

Vanessa Ron Kev Sharon Switch Tracy Lonnie Ron

Kev Ron

That’s Lonnie! He’s my man! Is he? Is he? Is he? Is he? Is he? Am I? (He drops the wheelnut brace). Pathetic! The lot of you pathetic! (To Kev). Give me that file. (He grabs it. Then, to Switch). And I’ll take those! Evidence when I sue! (To Lonnie). And I’ll have those wheelnuts you light-fingered little moron! (To Vanessa and Sharon). And as for you two! There’ll be no work in the licensed trade for you! I’ll guarantee that! (To Tracy). And any dreams you had of owning this place, Baby Doll, are out of the window! You may have read these papers but that means naff all! Have you looked at the papers, Mr Stone? What? (He rifles frantically through the pages). 43

Kev

That’s right. They’re blank! You really didn’t think I’d keep the originals, did you? No … they’re already down at the Council’s solicitors. I process my tasks like clockwork! As we say in the Scouts, Mr Stone … (everyone apart from Ron stands to attention and gives the scouts’ salute) … ‘Be prepared’!

At this Ron, enraged, rushes as if to attack Kev. Much to everyone’s amazement Lonnie emits a blood-curdling martial arts cry and adopts an attack position.

Ron

Switch Ron Kev

Oh, now that does make a difference! You’ve got mush for brains as your bodyguard! Don’t try and stop me dopey! Me men are outside. So are ours. What?! Yeah … the Police were interested in this. Corruption and that! They decided to help. As we say, Mr Stone … (Again everyone gives the scouts’ salute) … ‘Be prepared’!

Ron now rushes to Lonnie, who staggers everyone by felling Ron with two quick blows.

Vanessa Lonnie Vanessa

Lonnie! Where did you learn that? Night school … got fed up of being bullied! Oh, you little cherub!

Vanessa rushes over to Lonnie and kisses him. As she does this, Ron staggers to his feet only to be felled again by a boot from Vanessa. During the general commotion and congratulations, Ron gets to his feet for his last attempt.

Ron

Yeah … you’re cheering now! But I’ll have the last laugh! You still haven’t got the evidence you need! With the old bird gone now, forged signatures can’t be checked. It’s your word against mine!

Iris appears in the doorway.

Iris

And mine, Mr Stone! And the tape recording that Eric’s been making! (Eric enters carrying a spool of tape, or a cassette. Ron turns, looks in disbelief at Iris, and in sheer panic at the others).

What’s the matter, Ronnie? You look as though you’ve seen a ghost! All laugh and congratulate each other as Ron exits, a broken and demented man. The company sing Music #16 : ‘Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow’, during which Iris and Eric exit. On the applause for the song, the company exit. Eric then enters, clearing the tables to one side as he speaks. 44

Eric

And so, with Dodgy Ron out of the way, there was no holding us back! And, to be fair, I suppose we have him to thank in a way … for bringing the gang together like that. It’s right what they say “It’s an ill-wind” … So, there we are … ‘Last Drop’ stayed in the family, and ‘Pub of the North’ award was ours again. But this time it was different! The telly people were right … it was a special place! They chose us! An ordinary northern boozer … I can remember the routine that clinched it like it were yesterday! (The lights change to become more cabaret style. A white tuxedo and bow tie is thrown to Eric as he adopts his ‘compere persona’). And now we want you to really let your

hair down tonight, ladies and gentlemen, because it’s live from the North’s favourite pub, and here to entertain you are … the fabulous … ‘Last Drops’. The company take to the stage and perform Music #17, a closing medley of ‘California Dreaming’, ‘I’m A Believer’ and ‘Da Doo Ron Ron’. Curtain.

THE END

Discography Title

Original Recording By

Bobby’s Girl

Susan Maughan, 1962 (Philips 326544 BF)

Bye Bye Blackbird

Written/Composed by Ray Henderson and Mort Dixon, 1926

Bye Bye Love

The Everly Brothers, 1957 (London HLA 8440)

California Dreaming

Mamas and the Papas, 1966 (RCA 1503)

Can’t Help Falling In Love

Elvis Presley, 1962 (RCA 1270)

Cry Me A River

Julie London, 1957 (London HLU 8240)

Da Doo Ron Ron

The Crystals, 1963 (London HLU 9611)

Dedicated Follower of Fashion

The Kinks, 1966 (Pye 7N 17064)

Down Town

Petula Clark, 1964 (Pye 7N 15722)

(Ghost) Riders in the Sky

The Ramrods, 1961 (London HLU9282)

I Want To Hold Your Hand

The Beatles, 1963 (Parlophone R5084)

I’m A Believer

The Monkees, 1967 (RCA 1560)

Living Doll

Cliff Richard, 1959 (Columbia DB4306)

Rock Around The Clock

Bill Haley and the Comets, 1955 (Brunswick 05317)

These Boots Were Made For Walking

Nancy Sinatra, 1966 (Reprise R20432)

When I Fall in Love

Nat ‘King’ Cole, 1957 (Capitol CL14709)

Why Do Fools Fall in Love

Frankie Lymon and the Teenagers, 1956 (Columbia DB 3772)

Will You (Still) Love Me Tomorrow

The Shirelles, 1961 (Top Rank JAR540)