決定 A 可以做成作品前的十秒。 黃 慧 妍
前言 在準備展覽《不要太努力讓事情發生。》時，我 想透過出版物記錄自己藝術創作中關鍵的所在， 在構思的過程裡推翻了很多方案，卻總是想不出 接近非如此不可的提案，思前想後也覺得內在有 種阻力。在責怪書寫這個行為時，突然想到書寫 之困難往往是由於我從來都不夠誠實，一直在迴 避創作背後滑稽狼狽又或黑暗蒼白的狀態，而這 些似乎不堪卻終究是我創作的關鍵。 我 想 用 最 陳 腔 濫 調 的 說 法 去 說 明 創 作 的 關 鍵。 我 從 來 都 不 用 生 小 孩 來 比 喻 做 作 品， 雖 然 不 是 不 認 同， 但 以 前 我 認 為 至 死 我 也 不 會 用 此 比 喻 的。 甚 麼 是 生 小 孩 的 關 鍵 呢？ 我 認 為 就 是 生 還 是 不 生。 決 定 生、 決 定 不 生 背 後 的 思 考 可 以 看 到 不 同 人 的 世 界 觀、 價 值 觀， 此 書 就 是 描 述 這 個決定前的思考。
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A
十秒
A 簡 單 來 說 就 是 一 個 想 法， 也 就 是 很 多 人 指 的
我認為時間非線性，但我想盡可能詳細地書寫自
idea ，而我的創作通常不是來自一個想法，多是
己所有思考，而這些思考其實是同步進行的；大
從一句句子、一個情景或是一種情緒出發，所以
部分一下子就知道，不用思考就知道，身上的水
在 書 中 用 了 A 來 代 替「 想 法 」。 如 果 讀 到 非 常
分知道。有些則是一秒就決定了，所以這個十秒
感 觸 的 句 子， 又 或 經 驗 很 深 刻 的 情 景、 強 烈 的
是非現實的十秒。
情緒，我會相當留意，有時甚至以為自己有所覺 悟。而這些 A 其後都會被考慮做成作品的。
作品 你很口渴，你想聽我形容甚麼是水，還是我給你 一杯水喝呢？一句句子、一個情景或是一種情緒 都不是作品，將它們物質化，使它們出現在這三 維 世 界， 然 後 觀 眾 可 以 透 過 作 品， 了 解 當 中 信 息，產生其美學經驗。
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第 一 秒
每次決定做不做作品，其實對我來說是決定做不 做藝術家。如果不是打算做藝術家，我是不會做 作品的，寧願讀書、看電影、湊小孩、逛街、和 家人在一起、做家務、煮菜、上興趣班、睡覺， 也絕對不會做作品。總之創作於我從來不是自娛 陶冶性情打發時間，而是沉重的。雖然一直否認
別 讓 任 何 女 人 以 為， 她 們 可 以 不 先 屈 從 於 女 性 角 色 的 外 在 價 值， 就 可 以 利 用 這 則約定。 ─ 羅蘭巴 特 《 神 話 學 》
或沉默，但決定做作品，是亳不輕鬆的，八成時 間甚至可說是相當辛苦。唸中大藝術系時，陳育 強老師在課堂上說過，找到創作是人生當中很幸 福的事，我是寧願相信的。但這些年來，我總是 覺得今生決定做藝術家，似乎是放棄了快樂又不 複雜的一世。由畢業到現在，我還是覺得艱難孤 單，近年當然更艱難，因為孩子出生了，完全分 身不暇。更可怕的是有個集體意志在圍繞著我， 描述母親決定做藝術家，家中便會亂七八糟，犧 牲家人、孩子，而母親犧牲孩子是不會得到世人 原諒的。但我還是不想放棄創作，甚至覺得做了 媽媽以後更不應該放棄，因為我不想兒子以為做 人就是為別人犧牲自己，為了所愛壓抑自己的熱 情、埋沒能力、漠視喜愛的生活和工作。而我想 像自己所能創造的最大災難，是透過犧牲去操控 身邊的人，以及因無法過嚮往的生活而憎恨。所 以我的第一秒是不管 A 是甚麼，首先要決定做不 做藝術家。
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第 二 秒
既然決定從事創作，便可以好好的審視 A 。首先 仔 細 感 受 一 下 A 有 沒 有 使 我 心 跳 加 速； 如 果 A 真的很重要，想起時心情便會變得激烈，並感受 到 自 己 死 前 一 定 要 把 A 轉 化 成 作 品 的 意 願。 雖 然有時候也會因為心情或生活太繁雜，沒有很強 烈 的 感 受， 但 這 不 代 表 A 不 重 要。 首 先 放 下 手
我 所 能 寫 的 最 佳 作 品， 正 是 奠 基 於 這 種 能 夠心滿意 足 地 死 去 的 權 力上 。 ─ 卡夫卡 《 日 記 》
頭上的工作，找個獨處的機會，關掉嗡嗡作響的 電器，意識要放空，不要觀看也不要知覺，然後 才再次審視 A 。因為日常生活裡思考和視覺的方 式，是絕對無法讓人看到藝術的。繼續放空，閉 上眼，回到意識未始之時，然後見到地球是飄浮 太空的塵粒……再次睜開眼，讓意識完全回到當 下。這時如果仍然記得 A ，就繼續下去。將 A 做 成作品的渴望，有就有，沒有就是沒有，如嗅覺 般令人覺悟有些事情，人其實是完全沒有自主權 的。渴望很強烈的時候，會有種死也要生個仔出 來的感覺，那絕對是一個好作品的預兆，而陣痛 和彌留的節奏都在耳邊的狀態，我覺得就是藝術 家的本能／熱情。
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第 三 秒
此時，有很大機會已能預視 A 大概是甚麼形式的 作品，而形式對於 A 所帶來的信息往往有很緊密 的聯繫。我覺得藝術家可以做甚麼類型的作品， 似乎也是完全沒有自主權，有些命題就是從來沒 有在生命中經驗過，連看電影、在街上偷聽別人 對話也不會觸及的題材，想舉例也無從說起。沒
自 從 這 個 詞 得 以 受 我 運 用， 我 即 表 達 出 一 直 以 來 我 心 中 對 於 他 的 想 法： 他 是 那 最 後 之人。 ─ 布朗修 《 最 後 之 人 》
有某些命題，就沒有某些形式。而有些題材卻異 常深刻，只是一句話、一個場景，觸動到差點連 前世的每分每秒都回憶起來，有如親歷其境。然 後我立刻就能感知需要甚麼媒介、怎樣的色彩、 質感、氣氛可以表達 A 。也有些時候，對 A 的感 受非常深刻，但對於如何表達卻有猶豫。而究竟 在猶豫甚麼，則很值得自己去感受清楚。 我的猶豫通常有三類。一是雖然 A 很強烈，但當 下未夠能力轉化成作品；二是 A 的形式不確定， 似乎有很多可能性，但當中沒有必然性；三是 A 觸及自己不想面對的問題。前兩者往往可以透過 閱讀、研究、沉思去解決，而三就是最無法透過 努力去消滅的猶豫，只能夠等待不想面對的問題 變成不是不能面對的事情；大概有很多頗具潛力 的 A 因而沒有出生到這個世界上。
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第 四 秒
卡夫卡強調這並非一種對藝術的渴望，我想該是 更深層、更內在的。有些人的創作似乎是可以毫 無理由，但我選擇相信事事都有因。中學時的某 節倫理課上，校長拿出一個宇宙模型，問學生們 為什麼會有宇宙，是不是石頭爆出來的。她說當 然不是啦，所以有神存在。我當時完全不想明白
今 天 我 有 一 種 強 烈 想 要 透 過 書 寫， 把 我 所有的不安狀態從我身上徹底排除的慾 望， 如 同 它 出 自 於 深 處 ， 我 也 想 要 把 它 引 入 稿 紙 的 深 處， 或 是 把 它 當 成 寫 作 品 處 理， 如 此 一 來 我 才 能 夠 把 書 寫 之 物 引 入我自己之 中 。 ─ 卡夫卡 《 日 記 》
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她在說甚麼，只知道用這種方式來解說神創造世 界完全辜負了宇宙模型。每次我覺得世界或許是 因錯誤而產生，都使我想起這件往事。我不想切 開水果時發現裡面沒有種子，也不想作品是石頭 爆出來，更不想宇宙是因為某人／神的惡作劇或 手痕實驗而生，所以我也必須肯定自己不是因為 無 事 得 閒 而 把 A 做 成 作 品。 這 一 秒 對 A 來 說 意 義十分重大，是 A 作為作品甚麼也不是，到並非 甚麼也不是的一步。
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第 五 秒
我很欣賞藝術家其中一個狀態是，當他們決心要 做 作 品 時， 往 往 能 夠 拿 出 日 常 生 活 裡 被 埋 沒 的 智慧、美感和紀律，優雅地把作品完成。有些 A 讓我非常自信，覺得整個人生所吃過的苦，都是 為了成就 A ，去完成 A 的所有能力都在我之中， 充滿創造的意願。有些 A 卻使我感到非常無助，
他在嬰兒期便有能力掐死 在搖籃裡的毒蛇。 ─ 希臘神話
失去自信，自覺無能，無論如何也沒辦法完成， 好像所有關鍵都缺席，毫無頭緒。沮喪至極時， 會覺得自己只是因為陰差陽錯才當上藝術家，否 定以往一切努力，發誓跟創作一刀兩斷，頭腦充 斥著毀滅的傾向；而這兩種極端都很容易令人沉 迷。 深呼吸，同時成為國王和乞丐，只要一秒警覺， 大概發現許多無助其實只是為了拖延，然而 A 終 究是要去完成的。這樣去想似乎又能從自我和折 磨中獲得釋放，然後覺察到手裡的力量，也看到 身邊的毒蛇……
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第 六 秒
A 對觀眾有沒有意義呢？我曾經不理會這問題。 我 不 理 會 觀 眾， 或 者 要 求 他 們 靜 一 靜， 我 是 在 創造沒有觀眾的未來。然後發現身邊有好多人， 但我一直孤單一人，而這種孤寂是我所選擇的。 我以往就是沒有意願擁抱溝通及其偽裝的動機， 覺 得 我 不 會 下 去， 你 得 跟 上 來； 然 而 誰 也 沒 有 跟著來。
When I sit down to write a book, I do not say to myself, "I am going to produce a work of art." I write it because there is some lie that I want to expose, some fact to which I want to draw attention, and my initial concern is to get a hearing. ─ George Orwell, Why I Write
漸 漸 發 現 不 屑 觀 眾 是 非 常 不 智， 你 認 為 觀 眾 愚 昧，他們就愚昧。你認為觀眾不了解、漠視，他 們就會表現得不了解、漠視。我膽敢狂言怎樣的 觀眾都是藝術家模擬出來的。但是，不要為那些 老是說「不明白藝術」的人而擁抱溝通，因為不 明白、不想明白和不需要明白藝術的人，都有他 們的意願，並不是所有人也要觀賞藝術的。 關 於 作 為 觀 者， 我 永 遠 是 自 己 作 品 的 第 一 個 觀 眾。每次 A 出現時，我可以完全抽離自身，變成 他者審視 A 。假裝 A 不是我的念頭，我也不是 A 的藝術家，A 是其他人的作品，這樣去感受 A 時， 真的會看到身同感受的觀眾以及他們面對 A 時的 種種思緒。
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第 七 秒
想像 A 完成之後，我和世界皆已改變。 如果我和世界都變得更不堪，更難過，那必定不 能把 A 做成作品。 不 是 指 作 品 只 能 表 達 正 面 的 事 情， 而 是 關 乎 意
有 時 候 我 不 論 看 見 什 麼， 都 覺 得 它 充 滿 含 義。 我 覺 得 很 難 把 這 些 含 義 傳 給 別 人， 很 難 形 容 它 們 或 把 它 轉 換 成 語 言 。 正 因 為 如 此， 我 才 認 為 外 界 事 物 包 含 的 意 義 十 分 重 要， 是 對 我 也 是 對 整 個 世 界 的提示或警 告 。 ─ 卡爾維 諾《 如 果 在 冬夜 ，一 個 旅 人 》
圖。我覺得作品是很誠實的。如果我有一絲念頭 想「抽水」、自艾自憐、欺騙觀眾、賺收藏家的 錢……我認為作品必然會如實表現出來。所以在 這 一 秒， 我 會 仔 細 清 理 圍 繞 著 A 的 卑 劣 意 圖。 這一秒很有技巧，因為有時候過份嚴謹會變成嚴 苛，到最後反而甚麼作品也做不出來。 如何避免變得太嚴苛呢？我在世道艱難活得過來 全靠自嘲和黑色幽默，如果在 A 裡找到可以笑得 出來的地方，那代表 A 絕對有資格成為作品，這 個標準於我簡直近乎良知。 笑得出來是很重要的，在這個如斯難堪瘋狂的世 界笑得出來，代表你能捱過來，也能帶動世界捱 過來。
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第 八 秒
我的 A 多是一句句子、一個場景或一種情緒，雖 然觸動至深，但開始時往往有很多不確定，甚至 如何用語言表達、為何被觸動、對自己有甚麼意 義等等都不確定。但有些 A 就是讓我預感到，把 它創作成作品的過程中，我會從不確定走到更確 定，從不太明白走到開始明白，甚至完全明白。
他 總 是 表 現 得 極 其 忠 誠， 無 比 堅 定 地 將 我從一個不太確切的詞引向一個更確切 的詞。 ─ 布朗修 《 那 沒 有 伴 著我 的 一 個 》
但有些 A 反而是太清晰，所以覺得不大需要做成 作品。剛剛開始教學工作時，有一個學期，學生 盡是在畫被困迫的現實、社會給他們的枷鎖、無 法展現的真我……其實我也懷念自己年青而矯情 的時代，那一個學期，被這些青年們圍繞著，使 我也幾乎迷迷糊糊地覺得自己也過著這種困窘的 人生。那個學期我和他們都完全沒有透過作品走 到另一個廣闊的位置，只是更沉迷、更牢牢地困 著自己，用作品賦予困境更詳盡的形容，然後作 者和觀眾一同耗盡力氣參觀不斷擴建的困境。
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第 九 秒
我並非那種能夠抽離自身，透過資料搜集、研讀 書籍、分析史實創作的藝術家，直至現在也不是 太想像得到如何不談論自身而能夠創作。我也對 於其他不太個人的作品缺乏閱讀能力，一度因為 看不到 Op Art 的幻覺而非常困擾。曾經有個階 段我用藝術訓練得來的技術，去完成故意迴避或
文學開啟朝向 ─ 使苦難終止的 ─ 生存 的未明之道 ，以 致 它 無 法 再 發 出「 再 也 不 」 之聲。 ─ 布朗修 《 從 卡 夫 卡 到 卡 夫 卡 》
脫離自身的作品。我在此順便懺悔，以後也不會 有這樣的創作，今是昨非。 我的 A 全是個人的自白，而且開始之時多是無以 名狀。這一秒雖然比較漫長和艱難，但它有如胃 部劇痛的一刻，使我知道自己有胃，而且其他人 也有胃，也會胃痛。
A 往往勾起很多回憶、經歷、情緒，當中也有一 些恐懼，有時甚至像塊不論你多努力，花多少力 氣，都無法撥開的門簾。如果有這一秒，這絕對 是個重要的機緣，確定把 A 做成作品，我便可直 接超越那門簾踢開那扇門。 門打開後，其他人也 可以一起衝過去。
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第 十 秒
我願與神理論，所有的藝術家也不是說要有光， 立即有光。這個由意念到實相的延遲，究竟意義 何在？創作由思考的過程算起，是多麼漫長，這 十秒花了我生生世世的力氣，把 A 顯現出來又花 了生生世世。神說他創作了六日又休息了一日， 之後還有大量跟進的工作，每天逐步完成，然後
人 也 許 是 不 快 樂 的， 但 是 被 慾 望 所 撕 裂 的 藝術家是快 樂 的 。 ─ 波特萊 爾 《 巴 黎 的 憂 鬱 》
明天又有供期待完成的部分。每日都有不同的渴 望然後工作，釐清混沌、各從其類、擺設布置、 命名物事，衪就是這樣走過無垠的時空。最後一 秒，要再次確定渴望和期待 A 作為作品的面貌， 至少不要抗拒過程中可能會合作的人和發生的 事。如果有這種慶幸 A 出現的感覺，當然最好， 但 如 果 感 覺 非 常 不 願 意 完 成 A 的 工 作， 甚 至 厭
對於一個人來說最不堪忍受的事莫過於處
惡，那神也幫不了。
於 完 全 的 安 息， 沒 有 激 情 ， 無 所 事 事 ， 沒 有消遣，也 無 所 用 心 。 ─ 帕斯卡 爾 《 思 想 錄 》
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十 秒 之 後
重要的是可以不斷追問，十秒又十秒，過了創造 的一生。我非常慶幸能夠創作，幾乎認定出生前 就選擇了這樣的人生及其艱辛，生生世世被置之 不理，就是為了應付這十秒思考的孤寂。 十秒以後反而是輕鬆的，只需處理自己的紀律、
沒 有 比 這 些 思 想 更 溫 柔 的 了， 它 們 是 自 由 的， 它 們 讓 我 們 自 由 ， 思 想 它 們 就 是 甚 麼 也不思想， 而 如 此 我 們 不 斷 追 問 。 ─ 布朗修 《 最 後 之 人 》
控制好意念和物質。決定 A 可以做成作品後，我 就不會回頭質疑其價值，如果真的在創作過程中 出現懷疑，就重頭再經驗此十秒，看看是不是仍 有所猶豫。 朋 友、 學 生 都 很 喜 歡 問「 藝 術 有 甚 麼 存 在 意 義？」藝術嘛，就像個甚麼也沒有的女子，但卻 給人一種甚麼也不缺的感覺。對於如此神秘而有 魅力的人，你們竟狠心質疑其存在價值，有時理 性思辯真讓人費解。 完全想像不到沒有藝術，我、我們和這個世界會 是甚麼樣子。
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The ten seconds that determine whether A gets made into a work Wong Wai Yin
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Preface When I was working on the exhibition Without Trying, I wanted to encapsulate the gist of my art-making in a publication. Mulling it over, I rejected many ideas, and yet I couldn’t think of a plan that felt like a necessity. No matter how I thought about it, I felt a certain resistance inside me. I blamed the act of writing. And it dawned on me that I had difficulty writing because I had never been honest enough. I had been evading the awkward and distressing state between darkness and light, and which underlies one’s art-making. And yet, all that which seems unbearable is the gist of my art-making. I would like to explain the gist of art-making in the most cliché way, though I have never before used childbearing as a metaphor for making art. I didn’t disagree with it, but I thought I would never use this metaphor until my dying day. What is the crux of bearing a child? It is actually the decision of whether or not to even have the child. You can see the world views and values of people in the thinking behind this decision. This book details the thinking that precedes that decision.
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A
Ten seconds
Let’s call A a thought, or what most people call an idea. My work isn’t usually born out of an idea, but of a sentence, a scene or an emotion. That is why I use A in place of ‘idea’ in this book. When I come across a sentence that touches me, a scene that leaves a deep mark on me, or an intense emotion, I pay a lot of attention to it, and it becomes an A. At times it feels like a revelation. Then the As are put into consideration to be made into works.
I believe time is non-linear, but I want to put my thinking into words as closely as I can, while my thinking happens. Most of it is known in an instant, without thinking, like how the water in my body knows it. Some of it is decided in a second, so the following ten seconds described below are not ten seconds in the literal sense.
Work You are thirsty. Would you like to hear me describe what water is, or give you a glass of water? A work is not a sentence, a scene or an emotion. The work is a rendering of one of these things in material form, a tangible presence in this three-dimensional world where the audience can grasp its message through the work, and engage in an aesthetic experience.
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The first second
Let no woman believe that she can take advantage of this pact without having first submitted to the eternal statute of womanhood. —Roland Barthes, Mythologies
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Every time I decide whether or not to create a work, it is in fact a decision of whether or not to be an artist. If I don’t explicitly decide to be an artist, I won’t make any art. I would rather read, watch a movie, take care of my child, go out, spend time with my family, do housework, cook, attend an interest class or sleep than make art. In short, art-making has never been a pastime for me, but a weight I carry. Even when I set my mind to it, making art is never easy, though I have always denied this or not spoken about it. 80% of the time it is a painful thing. When I was a Fine Arts major at the Chinese University of Hong Kong, Professor Kurt Chan said it is a blessing to find art-making in one’s life. That is something I would like to believe in. Yet, over the years, I have always felt that by deciding to be an artist in this life, I might have forsaken a happy and uncomplicated life. From my graduation until now, I have felt a sense of distress and loneliness. The recent years have been even more difficult, as I have hardly any time to spare since the birth of my child. What’s more horrifying is that there is a collective consciousness enveloping me, saying once a mother resolves to be an artist, her home will turn into a mess and she will sacrifice her family and child. And a mother is never forgiven for sacrificing her child. Still, I don’t want to stop making art; I feel it is even more crucial that I don’t give up on it after becoming a mother. I don’t want my son to think that to live necessitates sacrificing oneself for others, or that one must suppress one’s passion, bury one’s ability, and cast aside the life and work they hold dear for the ones they love. I imagine the biggest disaster I could create is to manipulate those around me through sacrifice, and fall into resentment because I’m not living the life I wish to live. Therefore, my first second is spent on the decision of whether or not to be an artist, regardless of what A is. 37
The second second
I forgot – and later purposely omitted – to add that the best things I have written have their basis in this capacity of mine to meet death with contentment. —Franz Kafka, Diaries
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Once I have decided to devote myself to a life of creative work, it is time to reflect on an A. First I have to feel whether A sets my heart racing; if A is truly important, my feelings surge at the thought of it, and I feel this desire in me that I must transform A into a work before I die. While I may not get these intense feelings at times when my state of mind or life is too complicated, it doesn’t mean A is unimportant. When this happens, I put aside the work I have been doing and look for a moment to be alone, to switch off buzzing gadgets, refrain from observing or sensing my surroundings, space out, and reexamine A. It is impossible to see art through the lenses and senses we are accustomed to in everyday life. Continue to blank out, close my eyes, return to the point that precedes the beginning of consciousness, and see the Earth as dust particles drifting in space… Open my eyes, and bring my consciousness back to the present moment. If I still remember A at this moment, then I carry on. The desire to transform A into a work is either there, or it isn’t, like our sense of smell which makes us realise that we don’t have complete freedom on certain things. When the desire is overwhelming, I get that feeling of wanting to give birth to a child even if it will kill me. That is absolutely the sign of a strong work. The rhythms both of labour pains and of dying linger in my ears, and this I believe to be the instinct/passion of an artist.
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The third second
As soon as I was able to use that word, I said what I must always have thought of him: that he was the last man. —Maurice Blanchot, The Last Man
At this point, I can most likely see the form of the work A is to become, and form is often closely related to the message A is to convey. I believe artists have no autonomy over what kind of work they are able to create, since there are certain topics they have never encountered in their life. They can’t come up with an example even if they wanted to. It is often something they won’t come across in a movie or a conversation they eavesdrop on in the street. When certain topics are absent, so are their forms. Yet some subjects run deep in one’s consciousness. A sentence, or a scene can touch the soul so profoundly that I can almost recall every minute, every second of a past life as if living it all over again. I instantly perceive the medium, colour, texture and atmosphere that can express A. There are times when I have deep feelings for A, but I’m hesitant about how to express them. As for what I’m hesitating over, that is something I feel out thoroughly. There are usually three kinds of hesitation that I experience: one, A hits me intensely, but it isn’t enough to transform into a work at this stage; second, the form of A is uncertain, as there seem to be many possibilities, but none of them is a necessity; third, A touches on questions that I’m unwilling to face. The first two can be resolved through reading, research and contemplation. The third kind of hesitation is hardest to resolve through effort, and I can only wait until the question I’m unwilling to face turns into something that is no longer impossible to face. That is probably why many As with strong potential haven’t been born into this world.
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The fourth second
I have now, and have had since this afternoon, a great yearning to write all my anxiety entirely out of me, write it into the depths of the paper just as it comes out of the depths of me, or write it down in such a way that I could draw that I had written into me completely. —Kafka, Diaries
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The desire that Kafka expresses is not a desire for art, but for something I believe to be much deeper and more internal. For some people, their works seem to come about for no reason, though I choose to believe there is a reason for everything. In an ethics class in secondary school, the principal took out a model of the universe; she asked the students how the universe came to exist, and if it had come out of nowhere. She said, of course not, that’s why God exists. I had no idea what she was talking about. I just thought this way of explaining God’s creation of the world trivializes the model of the universe. Every time I think the world might have come to exist by mistake, I am reminded of this anecdote. I don’t want to cut up a fruit to discover that it is seedless, just as I don’t want my work to come out of nowhere. Even more so, I don’t want the universe to be the result of a prank or experiment by somebody/God. Therefore I must also be sure that I’m not turning A into a work because I have too much time on my hands. This second holds great significance for A. It is the step where A changes from nothing into a state where it is not nothing.
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The fifth second
Even as an infant, he had the power to strangle the snakes in his cradle. —Greek mythology
One of the states I admire in artists is when they are determined to create a work, and can call upon the wisdom, aesthetics and discipline that have been buried in daily life to complete the work gracefully. Some As fill me with confidence, and make me believe that all the hardships I have been through only served to help me accomplish A; that I have all it takes to complete A, and I’m brimming with the desire to create. Some As leave me feeling helpless. I lose confidence and feel incompetent, and that I can’t finish the work no matter what, like all the keys are missing and I haven’t got a clue (how to proceed). When I’m utterly dismayed, I refute all the efforts I have made in the past and believe that I have only become an artist by chance. I swear to never make art again, as my mind is taken over by an urge for destruction. It is easy for one to indulge in either of these extremes. Take a deep breath. Be the king and the beggar at the same time. In just one second of awareness, I see that much of this helplessness is just dawdling and that A must be completed in the end. Thinking about it this way, I’m somehow able to free myself from my torment. Then I see the power in my hand, as well as the snakes beside me…
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The sixth second
When I sit down to write a book, I do not say to myself, "I am going to produce a work of art." I write it because there is some lie that I want to expose, some fact to which I want to draw attention, and my initial concern is to get a hearing. —George Orwell, Why I Write
Does A mean anything to the audience? There was a time when I ignored this question. I ignored the audience, or I asked them to be quiet for a moment. I was creating a future without an audience. Then I saw there were many people beside me, though I had always been alone. This solitude was my choice. I just never had the longing to embrace the need to communicate, nor the intention to pretend to. I wouldn’t reach out to anyone, as they must come to me. But nobody did. Eventually, I realised it was foolish to hold the audience in contempt. If you think the audience is stupid, then they are stupid. If you think the audience doesn’t understand or holds your work in disregard, then they will show a lack of understanding and disregard it. I dare say it is the artist that makes the audience. Still, do not reach out to embrace and communicate with those who always say they ‘don’t understand art.’ That is because those who don’t understand don’t want to understand, and don’t need to understand art. Not everyone needs to appreciate art. I’m always the first audience of my work. Every time A appears, I detach from myself, and become the other to examine A. I pretend A isn’t my idea, and I’m not the artist who creates A. A is someone else’s work. When I experience A as such, I feel the audience and the thoughts they have when they are face to face with A.
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The seventh second
There are days when everything I see seems to me charged with meaning: messages it would be difficult for me to communicate to others, define, translate into words, but which for this very reason appear to me decisive. They are announcements or presages that concern me and the world at once. —Italo Calvino, If On A Winter’s Night A Traveller
Imagine both the world and I have changed when A is completed. If the world and I have become more intolerable, more miserable, then I must not turn A into a work. This isn’t to say a work must only convey what’s positive. It is about intention. I believe one’s work is very honest. If I harbour the slightest thought of exploiting the work for self-pity, fooling the audience, or pocketing the collectors’ money, I think it will totally show in the work. Therefore, in this second, I carefully clear away any inferior intention that binds the work. This second requires a lot of skill, since one can become relentless in the overtly meticulous process, and fail to create any work in the end. How to avoid becoming too severe? I have survived in this cruel world thanks to self-mockery and black humour. If I see something in A that I can laugh at, that means A is definitely worthy of becoming a work. To me, this criterion is akin to conscience. It is important to be able to laugh. If you can laugh in this unbearable and insane world, it means you can pull through it, and you can pull the world through it.
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The eighth second
He always displayed an extreme loyalty; with the greatest firmness he brought me back from a word that was less true to a word that was more true. —Maurice Blanchot, The One Who Was Standing Apart From Me
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My As tend to be a sentence, a scene or an emotion. Even if it touches me deeply, there are often many uncertainties at the start about how to express it through language, why it touches me, or what it means to me. Yet some As just give me the feeling that in the process of turning them into artworks, I will go from being uncertain to being more certain, from not quite grasping it to starting to grasp it, or even fully grasping it. On the contrary, some As are too clear, and I feel it isn’t necessary to make them into works. When I had just started teaching, there was one semester when all my students were making works about their confined realities, the shackles imposed on them by society, and the true selves that they could not reveal. I miss the time when I was young and sentimental. Being surrounded by young people that semester made me feel like I was living the same kind of troubled existence. During that semester, my students and I did not arrive at another place through these works, but only sank deeper and placed heavier chains around ourselves. This dire reality was even more thoroughly portrayed in their works, where the creators and the audience went on to exhaust themselves, watching its unrelenting profileration.
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The ninth second
To turn literature into the disclosure of this void within, so that it fully opens up to its nothingness, and realizes its own non-reality – this task is one of the undertakings of surrealism. —Maurice Blanchot, From Kafka To Kafka
I’m not the kind of artist who can detach from herself, and create works through research, reading, and historical analysis. Even now I can’t quite imagine how I can make work without talking about myself. I also lack the ability to read artworks that aren’t personal enough in nature. At one point I was perturbed by my inability to see the illusion of Op Art. There was a phase when I used the technique I had acquired from my training in fine arts to create works that deliberately evaded or detached from the self. I will take the opportunity here to repent: I will never make such works again. My As are all my personal confessions, and they are mostly indescribable at first. Although this second is longer and more difficult than the others, it is like the moment when my stomach clenches, making me realize I have a stomach, and that other people have stomachs, too, and that they also get stomachaches. When recalling many memories, experiences and emotions, one encounters fears as well, which at times resemble a door curtain you can’t push aside however hard you try. If this second comes to be, it is definitely an important opening. Once I resolve to turn A into a work, I can move past that curtain directly to kick the door open. Once the door is open, others can also run through it.
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The tenth second
Unhappy perhaps is man, but happy is the artist torn by desire! —Charles Baudelaire, Paris Spleen
Nothing is so insufferable to man as to be completely at rest, without passions, without business, without diversion, without study. —Blaise Pascal, Pensées
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I’m willing to argue with God that when an artist says, “Let there be light,” there isn’t light. What is the significance of the delayed materialization of a concept? This process of art-making takes so long. These ten seconds consume the strength I have had through many lifetimes, and it takes some more lifetimes for me to bring A to manifestation. God says He spent six days creating and then He had a day of rest. There was a lot of follow-up to do, something to be done on each day, and then something to be done the next day. Each day started with a different desire and progressed with work, dispelling chaos where all things emerged in their rightful places and forms and were thus named. That is how God traversed boundless time and space. In this last second, I have to verify my desire and look forward to the manifestation of A as a work; at least I must not fight with those I may work with, or against what may happen during this process. It would be wonderful to get a sense of rejoicing at A’s appearance, but if I feel extremely unwilling to complete A, or even feel an aversion to completing it, then even God can’t fix that.
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After ten seconds
Nothing sweeter than such thoughts, they are free, they leave us free, to think them is to think nothing, and in this way we question on and on without end. —Maurice Blanchot, The Last Man
What’s important is that one can keep questioning, living the life of creation through this constant unfolding of ten seconds. I feel blessed to be able to make art, and I’m just about sure I had chosen this life and the difficulties it embodies before I was born. Many lifetimes have been cast aside, just so that I can brace myself for the solitude of these ten seconds of contemplation. What comes after the ten seconds is easy. All I need to do is manage my discipline, control my thoughts and my materials. Once I have decided A can be made into a work, I don’t look back and question its value. If I feel any doubt in the process of making it, I will go through these ten seconds again to see if I still have any hesitations. My friends and students like to ask, “Why does art exist?” Well, art is like a woman who has nothing, but gives off the impression that she doesn’t lack anything. Faced with someone so enigmatic and charming, how could you be so hard-hearted as to question her existence? Reasoning is hard to understand at times. It is completely beyond me to imagine what I, we, or the world would be like without art.
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關 於 Sp r i n g 工 作 室 Spring 工作室是非牟利藝術空間，矢志策劃藝術家和策 展人駐留計劃、展覽、音樂 、電影及講座等跨領域國 際活動。座落香港黃竹坑工業區的 Spring 工作室，將 成為一眾構成香港豐富文化風景的活躍藝術家和機構， 以及世界各地渴望進行深邃對話的新晉與知名的藝術 家及機構，此地與彼岸之間的交流平台和實驗室。於 Spring 工作室 2016 年榮獲英國保誠當代藝術獎《最佳 亞洲當代藝術機構》獎項。
About Spring Workshop Spring Workshop is a cultural initiative that brings people together to experiment with the way we relate to art. Committed to an international cross-disciplinary program of artist and curatorial residencies, exhibitions, music, film and talks, Spring serves as a platform and laboratory for exchange between the vibrant artists, organisations and audiences that define Hong Kong’s rich cultural landscape and their international counterparts who seek to engage in far-reaching dialogue. In 2016, Spring Workshop received the Prudential Eye Award for Best Asian Contemporary Art Organisation.
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關於黃慧妍
About Wong Wai Yin
黃慧妍 2004 年於中文大學藝術系畢業，翌年於英國列 斯大學修畢藝術碩士課程。她利用不同媒體創作，包 括繪畫、雕塑、拼貼、裝置和攝影等，作品以關於自 身經驗、個人記憶片斷以及對藝術史的玩味為切入點。
Wong Wai Yin graduated from the Chinese University of Hong Kong in 2004, and the University of Leeds, UK (Master of Fine Art) in 2005. Wong experiments with a variety of media, such as painting, sculpture, collage, installations and photography. Her work is about autobiographical experience, episodic memory and playful intervention with art history.
黃氏曾於香港及海外舉辦個人展覽，包括《要當一個 別 人 並 不 簡 單》黃 慧 妍 繪 畫 展， 誰 先 覺（2001），《從 黃 慧 妍 藏 品 到 香 港 藝 術 文 獻 庫 》， 亞 洲 藝 術 文 獻 庫 （2001），《活 化 咖 啡 廳》， 活 化 廳（2010），《原 來 的 輪廓》黃慧妍的藝術，觀察社，廣州，中國（2009）。 她 的 作 品 亦 曾 展 出 於 馬 凌 畫 廊， 香 港（2015）， Para Site 藝 術 空 間， 香 港（2015）， 安 全 口 畫 廊， 香 港（2013）， 奧 沙 觀 塘， 香 港（2013）， M+ 視 覺 文 化 博 物 館 ， 香 港（2013）， Collectors House ， 荷 蘭 （2011），台北雙年展，台灣（2010）， OCAT 當代藝術 中心，中國（2010）， International Studio & Curatorial Program ，美國（2009），華人藝術中心，英國（2009）， Worksound ，美國（2008），香港藝術館，香港（2007） 及上海當代藝術館，中國（2007）。黃氏亦是廣州觀察 社的創辦成員。
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Wong’s selected solo shows in Hong Kong and abroad include Becoming a Different Person Might be Hard – A Painting Exhibition of Wong Wai Yin, iPRECIATION (2011), From Wong Wai Yin’s Collection to the Hong Kong Art Archive, Asia Art Archive (2011), Woofer Café Ten, Woofer Ten (2010) and L’Écume des choses – I’art de Wong Wai Yin, Observation Society, Guangzhou, China (2009). Her works have been presented at Edouard Malingue Gallery, Hong Kong (2015), Para Site, Hong Kong (2015), Gallery EXIT, Hong Kong (2013), Osage Kwun Tong, Hong Kong (2013), M+, Hong Kong (2012), Collectors House, the Netherlands (2011), Taipei Biennial 2010, Taiwan (2010), OCT Contemporary Art Terminal, China (2010), International Studio & Curatorial Program, USA (2009), Chinese Art Centre, UK (2009), Worksound, USA (2008), Hong Kong Museum of Art, Hong Kong (2007), and MoCA Shanghai, China (2007). Wong is one of the co-founders of the Observation Society in Guangzhou.
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特別鳴謝 Spring 工作團隊 Mimi Brown 、陳希雯、張慧儀、 江卓姿、李綺敏、黃翊豐、AJ Vicente ，及周俊輝、馮俊彥、 鄺鎮禧、關問、關尚智、林東鵬、羅天樑及工作團隊、李 傑、李挽靈、梁御東、林茵、羅家恩、麥慰宗、謝振聲、 黃獻盈、姚嘉善、翁子健、容穎怡及咩事藝術空間。
Special thanks to Spring’s team Mimi Brown, Mandy Chan, Emily Cheung, Jessica Kong, Christina Li, AJ Vicente, Sean Wong, and to Chow Chun Fai, Jasper Fung, Kong Chun Hei, Kwan Man, Kwan Sheung Chi, Lam Tung Pang, Chris Law and Team, Lee Kit, Mary Lee, Ocean Leung, Agnes Lin, Aenon Loo, Percy Mak, Things that can happen, Sing Tse, Elizabeth Wee, Pauline Yao, Anthony Yung and Zoiee Yung.
黃慧妍《決定 A 可以做成作品前的十秒。》 Wong Wai Yin: The Ten Seconds Preceding the Decision that A Can Be Made into a Work. 2016 年 8 月 20 日 – 10 月 23 日 August 20 – October 23, 2016 Spring 工作室，香港 Spring Workshop, Hong Kong
Spring 工作室創辦人 Spring Workshop Founder: Mimi Brown 總監 / 策展人 Director / Curator: 李綺敏 Christina Li 展覽統籌 Exhibition Coordination: 陳希雯 Mandy Chan 展覽助理 Exhibition Assistant: 鄺鎮禧 Kong Chun Hei 設計 Designer: MAJO Design 攝影 Photographer: 關尚智 Kwan Sheung Chi 香港藝術發展局全力支持藝術表達自由，本計劃內容並不反映本局意見。 Hong Kong Arts Development Council fully supports freedom of artistic expression. The views and opinions expressed in this project do not represent the stand of the Council.
英文翻譯 English Translator: 黃進之 Nicolette Wong 校對 Copy Editor:
Mimi Brown, 陳希雯 Mandy Chan, 黃翊豐 Sean Wong
印刷 Printer: 高行印刷有限公司 Colham Printing Co., Ltd. 此書為展覽《不要太努力讓事情發生》期間（2016 年 8 月 20 日 – 10 月 23 日）於 Spring 工作室出版 。
This book is published on the occasion of the exhibition of Wong Wai Yin: Without Trying at Spring Workshop (August 20 – October 23, 2016). 第一版 / 1000 冊 2016 年 9 月
First Edition / 1000 copies September 2016 © 黃慧妍，藝術家及作者 © Wong Wai Yin, Artist and author 版權所有 All rights reserved.
出版 Publisher:
Mimi Brown Spring 工作室 香港香港仔黃竹坑道 42 號利美中心 3 樓
Mimi Brown Spring Workshop 3/F Remex Centre, 42 Wong Chuk Hang Road Aberdeen, Hong Kong www.springworkshop.org