MEET AYDEN HENLEY

My Struggles Through School And How I Cope In College

By Charles Spray

The following is from a series of interviews I did with Ayden Henley, who is on the autism spectrum, and has a notable history of depression, anxiety and ADHD.

I am Ayden’s behavior consultant through the Medicaid Waiver program and have worked with him for about 8 years. What makes Ayden’s story unique is just how far he has come over the past few years. To be honest, the first few years I worked with him were extremely challenging as he was very difficult to work with. He fought “everyone” on “everything” and wanted nothing to do with behavior services. This all started to change midway through high school when he began wanting to work on his behaviors and mental health issues, and to strive to achieve academically. I think he finally realized that he was intelligent after years of telling himself and others the exact opposite. Some of his history of non-compliance and self-sabotage was due to a lack of trust in people due to some extremely rough family trauma and hardships. I just had to spend lots of time with him to develop trust, and I am so glad I did, as now he is an absolute joy to work with. I am very proud of the man Ayden has become, and I truly believe he is going to go on to do great things for this world.

My name is Ayden Henley, and I am a 19-year sophomore student at IU Indianapolis, in the school of sciences. My mom lives in Sheridan Indiana, but I also spend a lot of time with my grandparents, who live in Noblesville, and when I am not on campus, I alternate staying between the two locations. I am a graduate of Sheridan High School. I don’t currently work as I put much of my time and energy into my academics, but I do have several hobbies and activities that are important to me. I love to work out and try to go to the gym at least 3 to 4 times per week. I am also involved in a campus crusade group, and we do retreats and other social activities. I also like to go out to eat, read, and play video games, the latter being a good release, but sometimes an activity that I obsess over, taking too much of my time.

Growing up on the autism spectrum has been challenging for me. When I was younger I did not know how to behave in social situations. Some other challenges I have had are that I grew up poor, with limited family resources, and my dad left us when I was young. We also lost my baby sister unexpectedly when she was a baby, which left behind a lot of traumas for my family to deal with. But even though we were poor, I was provided with lots of love and support, and I had everything I needed.

Even though I had struggles throughout much of academic history, middle school was certainly the worst for me, as I was often anxious, and did not feel like I fit in. Due to these insecurities, I often acted out to get attention and became known as the class clown. I also felt that I was “seen” as a special needs student, so this further distanced me from my peers, led to social isolation, and lots of self-flagellation. Some of it was my negative beliefs about what others thought of me and my own selfconsciousness, and some of it was the behaviors of others. I thought that if I acted immature and “crazy” I would get lots of attention and others would like me. What I got was stigmatized. Being from a small school, “word got around” and several teachers did not want me in their class. I got suspended on several occasions and eventually my schedule was reduced to a half day.

Additionally, my grades were “terrible” in middle school and my freshman year of high school. During this period, I had no goals, and I just didn’t care.

And although I wanted social connection more than anything, I did everything in my power to push others away, which led to feeling lonely much of the time. It was an important period for me to learn social skills and gain connections, but I was always in trouble. In my mind I saw myself as the “special kid”, and I tried to fulfill these expectations. These behavioral struggles continued through my first two years of high school, and I ended up getting very depressed. I told myself over and over that nobody liked me, so I shut down and didn’t socialize with anyone. I also had a massive fear of rejection, so I did not even try to get to know anyone on a personal level.

Then, during my junior year, something clicked. Although most of my grades were not good, a turning point for me came when I developed a love for the sciences. A love that has been with me ever since. I attribute much of this to my biology teacher who helped spark and develop this passion. I started putting everything into my science classes and with time this filtered over into all my classes.

I started realizing, for the first time in my life, that I was intelligent, and I started pushing myself to achieve academically. I also started listening to my behavior therapist and decided to put myself out there. Even though I was deathly afraid to socialize, I decided to try out for two high school plays and ended up getting parts in them. My reasoning was that activities like these would be one of the most challenging things I could do as it would put me in a position of vulnerability where I would have to not only socialize, but perform in front of others, something I dreaded my entire life. Participating in the two high school plays, first as a narrator my junior year, and then as a character in Frozen my senior year, seemed to be a springboard for greater successes to come.

My academics greatly improved my junior year and things “really” improved for me during my senior year. I became more open to socializing with others and my new identity was built on success, and not being the class clown and troublemaker. Around this time, I also decided to join a D & D club, (Dungeons and Dragons), a social club endeavor that includes role-playing games, and it helped reduce my anxiety due to being in the presence of “like-peers”. Overall, it became a safe place for me, and I am glad I found it.

Despite the rough start to school, I ended up graduating with a 3.5 GPA, which was even more significant since I did not do much prior to my junior year. This was good enough to get me admitted to the school of sciences at IU Indianapolis. I don’t think anyone could have predicted this outcome during most of my life, even myself. My senior year I was nominated for “Blackhawks Taking Flight” by my teachers. The award goes to the student who made the biggest strides with academics and behaviors of everyone in their class, and I ended up winning the award, which really boosted my selfconfidence even further.

The support I have gotten from my family has been instrumental to my success. My grandparents have supported and lifted me up. I used to get so mad at my grandparents because they pushed me to make better decisions, to grow as a person, and they held me accountable for my actions. I realized they were there to help me, and I thank them every day for this. I also would not be where I am without the help of my behavior consultant, who has been with me for eight years. A focus on my faith has also made a difference in my life as I have dedicated myself to growing spiritually and to following biblical teachings. Having faith in something bigger than myself has given me joy and brought me out of years of depression. I have realized that there is more to life than pursuing “superficial” things. This has helped me to love myself and to care about others. It has also helped me with self-control. Although, I have surprised myself and many others I still have a way to go. I have battled with social anxiety while at college, but I continue to make slow progress. I also had no idea that college academics would be as challenging as it is, and that there would be so much homework. There is also a part of me that still feels like that middle school kid that no one likes, or I believe that people will notice there is something wrong with me and figure out that I have

autism. I struggle with consistency with mood and behavior, and my self-image is always a concern. I am reluctant to start conversation with others due to extreme self-doubt, which results in few meaningful relationships with others my age, and I currently don’t have one good friend at school. I stick to interacting with adults I am comfortable with, such as family members, my behavior consultant, and people from my church. I also struggle with events that are presently going on right now, especially others’ strong opinions on politics and world events, and I am afraid to speak up fearing I might offend people. I have learned to cope better with my social anxiety through the years, but I still feel like people don’t like it when I talk and worry that they are judging my performance. I worry that everyone can tell I am on

the autism spectrum or that there is something else wrong with me. But despite my self-esteem issues and social fears, I have overcome many things in life due to thinking differently about myself. I also must remind myself of how far I have come and that I would not be where I am right now if I hadn’t made such drastic changes. I no longer hate myself as I did at one time, and I know I am not a bad person. The support of my family and others, and years of behavior therapy have helped me with self-awareness, confidence, and impulse control. I feel optimistic about my future, and I know someday I will have a career in the sciences and hopefully go on to do big things.