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for two years and we live together. Recently, his ex was killed in a car accident. They were not on good terms, and he often made scathing statements about her. Several days after her death, I said (after offering my sympathy on numerous occasions): “I don’t know how to help you grieve in this situation because you didn’t like her.” That was a stupid, careless thing to say. I apologized numerous times, and he said he forgave me. Fast-forward two weeks. We were out having drinks with friends. He disappeared and wouldn’t answer my calls. When I got home, he was drinking with our roommate and some of his friends, including his friend’s wife. I was angry and went to bed. I awoke at 8 a.m. alone and went downstairs, where I found him making out with his friend’s wife on our porch. They were drunk. Later, he said he was angry about my comment, accused me of hating his ex, and said he vented about me to his friends. I’m not sure if I’m interested in staying with someone who can’t speak to me like an adult when he has an issue. I told him that this chick owes me an apology. I asked him to consider not drinking, and to tell his friends what really happened over his ex’s passing. Is our relationship worth salvaging? I hope we love each other enough to get past this.
Confused and Concerned About Situation Dear CACAS: Your boyfriend looks like some-
one slamming his hand down on the eject button, i.e., he wants out of this relationship. Which means your willingness to stay in this relationship — if “this chick” comes through with the apology you feel she owes you, if your boyfriend corrects the record and quits boozing — may be irrelevant. Because if your boyfriend wants to dump you but lacks the decency, balls or self-awareness to end it (he may not be consciously aware that he wants out), he’ll keep pulling stunts like this until you’ve had enough and you dump him. I could be wrong. Maybe his behavior can be attributed to a crazy meltdown reaction to his ex-girlfriend’s death. Clearly, his feelings for his ex were more complicated than he let on. I’m thinking he still had feelings for her, and I’m betting that she dumped him. He may have said only shitty things to you about her because he thought that’s what you wanted to hear. Reminding him about the shit he talked about his ex may have made him angry with himself, and he projected that anger onto you, and now he’ll be able to see that and apologize, and you can rebuild your relationship. Or, you know, not.
Dear Dan: My uncle died in a car wreck. I didn’t know him well, but we lived in the same city,
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and he named me executor of his estate. He was single, childless, straight, unmarried and — as it turns out — pretty kinky. I’ve been looking online, and some of this stuff in his “playroom” is worth a lot of money. But you can’t haul a $1,000 bondage table out on the lawn for a yard sale (at least not where he lived). What do you do with a dungeon full of BDSM gear when the owner dies unexpectedly?
Boy De-acquisitioning Sadistic Merch Dear BDSM: There’s an adult section on
eBay where you can unload the stuff, and NaughtyBids.com is a site dedicated to auctioning off preowned sex toys and gear. But if you don’t want to do the work (and you don’t care about cashing in on that bondage table), Google around, and I bet you’ll find a BDSM group in your area that would be happy take your late uncle’s gear off your hands.
Dear Dan: I’m a gay man in a happy and open marriage. I routinely seek the services of an erotic masseur. I found out when booking my next massage with him that he was recently in a car accident with his long-term partner, who died in the hospital. Normally, I’d send flowers and a card. However, due to the nature of our working relationship, I don’t want to extend myself in ways that could be uncomfortable for him. I wouldn’t want to put him in the position of having to explain who I am if the card was read by someone else. Any advice would be appreciated.
Wants to Be Respectful Dear WTBR: If we were talking about your lawyer or hairstylist or housekeeper, you wouldn’t hesitate to send flowers and a card. The only reason you’re hesitating is because you fear outing your masseur as a sex worker. You’re assuming that he isn’t already out about it; that being outed as a sex worker is the worst possible thing that could happen to him; and that your masseur is too stupid to cover for himself if he isn’t out about doing sex work, if someone else reads the card, and if that person asks who you are. (Your masseur has lots of options before he gets around to “a decent and kind guy I sometimes jack off for money.”) Better to risk a moment of awkwardness with a nosy relative than to fail to acknowledge your masseur’s humanity at a time like this. Don’t participate in the dehumanization of sex workers. Send the flowers. The new Savage Lovecast season starts October 22 at savagelovecast.com.
Have a question for Dan Savage? E-mail him at mail@savagelove.net