Never say die
OPINION
Mature Content by Kristi Nichols
In March, at the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic, I emailed my oldest son a list of my financial details, a copy of my will, and my advanced medical directive. I thought it was the prudent thing to do in case I contracted the virus and died. Almost instantly, I received his reply: “Is everything alright, Mom?” I had not expected this response and thought it was a good time to have a conversation about death. As my children were growing up, I made sure to keep the subject of sex in the conversation. I knew that for my children, having sex was inevitable, and there were important discussions to have before it was too late. I wasn’t worried that talking about sex would cause them to have sex; I was more worried that not talking about it might make their lives more difficult. Sometimes it was uncomfortable, but the more we talked, the more approachable the subject became. It's the
same with death. Learning to talk frankly about death and dying takes the burden off everyone. The thought of me, my family members, friends, or anyone dying is uncomfortable, but we need to talk about it. As the COVID pandemic death toll continues to rise, more people are contemplating their own death, the death of loved ones, and dying in general. Never has there been such a need to talk about death and dying. We have become a society in which talk about death is taboo. We are born, we live, and then we die. We don’t speak openly about this natural series of events; rather we allude to it. The subject has become a source of discomfort. We avoid talking about it directly, just like sex. For some reason, we no longer die. We “pass away.” Why can’t we simply die? Birth and death used to be a family, community, and religious event. Death was not hidden in a hospital or “care” facility. Discussions about dying and death were not just between a few family members and a medical professional. People were directly and personally involved in caring for dying relatives. Conversations were necessary to plan futures. Death was considered a natural thing and not a forbidden subject. The word "hospice" derives from the Latin word “hospitum,” meaning hospitality or place of rest and protection for the ill and weary. Essentially, going home. Death as a taboo is taking its toll. When a dying person has
not been able to talk about their death, it becomes an unnecessary source of anxiety and depression. These conversations need to be about practical concerns as well as fear, pain, and loss. When final wishes have never been discussed with family members, they are hard-pressed to make decisions at the end of their loved one’s life. Creating living wills and advanced medical directives is a good way to get the conversation started. Once the subject is broached, it may create more opportunities to express emotions and answer questions. The psychiatrist Irvin Yalom describes four ultimate concerns: death, isolation, loss of freedom, and meaninglessness. These are the most important concerns of the living, and even more concerning for someone approaching the end of life. Why not encourage conversations regarding these deep subjects. What does it mean to those aging or experiencing a fatal illness when the subject of death is taboo? Should they be embarrassed to acknowledge their own mortality? Should they be kept silent about what concerns them most? How can there be dignity and grace in dying when we can’t talk about death? Our society’s obsession with perfection renders many people unwilling or incapable of dealing with the painful realities of life, especially death. To embrace the human experience means embracing the full spectrum of life’s events,
including death. Dealing with mortality can be overwhelming, but approaching death doesn’t have to be arduous. We shouldn’t have to worry about upsetting or protecting others when we need to talk about important things. I believe the way forward is for us to go back to acknowledging death as what naturally happens at the end of life. We need to revive our conversations about death. It will take courage. It is difficult to face our own mortality and that of those we love. It is always sad and often frightening. Conversations about death remind us that one day, those we care about may no longer be around and maybe, we will die before them. Let’s remember to enjoy and appreciate them now and cherish every moment we spend together! Now is also the time to plan a good death. If there is one thing I know as a psychotherapist, it’s that talking about our fears eases them. It allows us to be more honest, candid, and at peace. By talking about difficult subjects such as death, you will likely learn that you are not alone and that someone is waiting to have that conversation with you. For more information on how to start the conversation, go to theconversationproject.org. “Mature Content” is a monthly column provided by the Carbondale AARP AgeFriendly Community Initiative (CAFCI).
LETTERS Illuminated Light the Night with Love shined brightly, bringing community members, artists, youth and sponsors together to spread joy and laughter. Carbondale Arts believes this is crucial as we maneuver through what, we hope, are the final months of strict COVID regulations. The event was safe and creative and we have deep gratitude for our community who kept it so. We also want to thank Barbara Frota who inspired us to move forward with this event, especially during these uncertain times. Additional thanks to our sponsors, who saw the benefit of this event and stepped up to make it happen. These are: Dalby Wendland & Co., Kevin Gibson and Carlos Ulloa-Jaquez, Frosty and Carly Merriott, The Rebekah Lodge, Angela Bruno and Greg McClain , Carbondale Family Dental, Alpine Bank, KDNK, The American Heart Association and Carbondale Age-Friendly Community Initiative. The creativity and artistry that was shared by our artists and performers made
this event what it was. Thanks to Marilyn Lowey, Loren Wilder, Yoli Laguerre, Keith D’Angelo, Garrett Waltsak, Nico Heins, Gabriela Mejia, Hannah Sutton Stoll, Cate Johnson, Zakriya Rabani, Fischer Cherry, Bonedale Flashmob/Alexandra Jerkunica, Joe Burleigh, Raleigh Burleigh, Anna Jasmine, Jill Scher and Jan Schubert, 5Point Film Festival, Bridges High School and VOICES, Dance Initiative, Claim Jumpers, Genevieve Villamizar, Chad Patrick and their team of drummers, Larry Yazzie, Corey Summers, Ernie Priest and Tanell Lavender and Natalie Rae. Many people stepped up to make this happen, especially Aly Sanguilly, Molly DeMarr, Sarah Overbeck, Kellyn Wardell, Brian Colley, Amy Kimberly, Kenna Steindler, Tsama Pineda, Joey Staron, Bill Laemmel, Amber Sparkles, Deborah Colley, April Crow-Spaulding, St. Stephens, Ross Montessori, Studio for Art+Work, Dos Gringos, Kat Rich, Jeff Britt, Gay for Good, Mark Burrows, Rocky Mountain High Dispensary, The Property Shop, 450 Tepanyaki, Cripple Creek, and Coloradough.
Big thank you to the community for decorating farolitos with such creativity and loving intention. We are also grateful for the handful of the Rio Grande Trail residents that decorated their homes with string lights or donated power so that we could light up the bike path. We’re also deeply grateful for all the volunteers that showed up to put on this event. Lastly, we could not do this without the deep support of Roaring Fork Transportation Authority and Brett Meredith. They oversee the Rio Grande ARTway and provide joy all year round. Carbondale Creative District
For the time being A life is finite Comes and goes before you know Yet lasts a lifetime JM Jesse Glenwood Springs Continued on page 14
The views expressed in opinion pieces do not necessarily reflect those of The Sopris Sun. The community is invited to submit letters up to 500 words to news@soprissun.com. Longer columns are considered on a case-by-case basis. The deadline for submission is noon on Monday. 2 • THE SOPRIS SUN • soprissun.com • February 25 - March 3, 2021
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