WHEN I LEAVE YOU
By Maia Cavagnolo
I woke up, and everything felt normal. Except for my knees. They felt light, almost weightless. I lifted my head up to look around my room. Dusty light came in from the windows, casting rectangular shapes on the mostly neat rug. My groggy brain was slow, it took me another minute to figure out what I’m missing.
Lu.
“Hey, Lola? Lola, it’s time to get up.”
“Yeah.” My voice echoed out of my room to the hallway where dad stood.
“Oh. It looks like Lu left before you woke up.”
“Mmm.” I stumbled out of bed, tripping on a pair of clothes with my still-asleep feet. “I’ma go look for her.”
Dad shook his head. “You're going to get ready for school.” He pointed at the socks I tripped on. “Dadi was being very nice and grabbed some clothes for you after you conked out last night.” I was about to protest, we had stayed up until nine for the fourth of July, but dad shushed me and pointed again at the clothes lying beside my clumsy feet. “Get ready.”
I walked onto the dirty linoleum floor of the kitchen. Dadi and dad always complain that Lu makes such a mess with all of her fur, but I think they also know that without her fur, our house would be less of our home.
“Hiya, kiddo.” Dadi said while frying a couple of eggs.
“Hey.” I looked around for Lu, and dad practically read my mind.
“I bet Lu is just scared from all those fireworks last night. Remember that one time she hid under the porch for a day? We finally called over Melissa, she was able to get her from under there.” Dadi whistled. I felt more at ease, but I still had a nagging feeling in the back of my head.
“Lola? How about you?”
“Oh! Um…” Mrs. Wellner had caught me by surprise. “Well, I think that the book shows the guys… grief over the loss of his deer… good.”
“And why do you think that?”
“Because they use descriptive words that mean the same thing but are very colorful.” I said, gaining my confidence. Mrs. Wellner nodded, I had passed her attention test. The book we were reading was not very interesting, it was about some guy who had lost his pet deer when his neighbor was out hunting. I mean, what do you expect?
“Well,” Mrs. Wellner broke my train of thought. “I’ll let you out a bit early. The bell is in two minutes.” Excited murmurs echoed throughout the classroom as everyone put away their textbooks. I hoisted my backpack onto my shoulders. It was heavy, more so than usual. The bell rang just as my foot stepped outside of the musty classroom and into the warm, sunny fresh air of the outdoors. The walk home was one of my favorite parts of the day. I had almost memorized each house, and their plants and trees and porch too. The first house is my favorite, a stout, gray, little one, overflowing with plants. Each one is a miraculous shade of the rainbow, adding a splash of color to the otherwise bland building. Then there’s a medium-sized house where an old grouch lives. Her garden of pebbles is pristine, and not a speck of dust dared to touch her stairs. I saw that one of the gray pebbles was in the place where the light gray pebbles are supposed to be, so I skedaddled. I’m not going to take the blame for that. There were fifteen more houses until mine, all of them interesting in their own way.
Creeeaaak. The door made its trademark squeak as I stepped into the house, bracing for a big, gray-brown lump of fur and love. Nothing came. I opened my eyes to see Dad sitting at the wooden table drinking coffee.
“It’s the afternoon.” I told him.
“When you wanna nap, you gotta… something that rhymes with nap about coffee? Yeah, That really did not work out.” I chuckle but get to the point after I hang up my bag.
“Where’s Lu?”
“Still jumpy after the fireworks. She’ll be up and running by tomorrow morning.” Dad looks up from whatever he’s doing and sees the worry on my face. “Honey,” he says softer, “You just have to leave it alone. She’s old and scared. But she’s also okay. She can care for herself for a little longer.” I scrunched my brow but succumbed to dad’s homemade applesauce. I had to pretend I believed him until I could escape to my room.
“Is it good?” He asked eagerly. “I added marshmallows.”
“Ew.” I didn’t stop eating it.
“Just a little, I know it sounds gross, but I was following my grandma’s recipe.”
“Wise grandma.”
“She told me I would someday destroy the world because I owned too many toy trucks.” “Less wise.” I said between bites of applesauce.
“HELLO FAMILY!” Dadi bursted through the door dressed in a suit.
“Okay, let’s work on quiet entrances, how about that?”
Dadi laughed. “You know,” he said, “I’ve been thinking about our names. William,” He pointed to dad, “and Ben,” he pointed to himself, “They sound like superhero names. Superheroes have to be loud.” He wiggled his eyebrows. Dad laughed and Dadi walked up the stairs to his room.
“Well,” I stretched, “I’m going to go into my bedroom. Homework, you know.”
Dad nodded. “Just be careful. I hid Squirgy in there.” He whispered. Squirgy was a long running joke where dad would hide a stuffy octopus, Dadi would find it, then hide it, and so on. I nodded and walked up the short flight of stairs to my room and shut the door. The moment it clicked close, I fell into a determined, panicked state. It was not like Lu to hide without barking or whining. It was not like Lu to hide for that matter. What if she ran off? What if she’s hurt? What if she’s at the pound? I felt an uneasy sense of panic settle around my shoulders. I couldn’t go downstairs, Dad and Dadi would catch me snooping around, I needed a distraction. I disdainfully took out a packet of homework from Monday that I shoved in my socks drawer.
“Marly was walking to school. She saw 15 other kids. Each kid had five things in their bag. How many things were in the kids' bags?”
Just the first problem had me stumped. I don't know how long I stared at the paper, but it must have been a while because Dadi came in and told me ten minutes until dinner.
“How are you doing on that one?”
“Why can't Marly figure this out herself? And why does she want to know what’s in a buncha kids' backpacks? Is she planning to kidnap?”
“Well, Kiddo, sorry I can’t answer the mysteries of the universe, but,” he pretended to check his nonexistent watch, “only nine minutes left until dinner.” He jaunted down the stairs and I followed close behind. In a more respectable way, of course. The moment I stepped downstairs, mouthwatering smells filled my mouth. Today was burger day, the perfect distraction. Dad was a very good cook, and he grilled burgers like a literal genius. I took another grateful deep breath in, trying to preserve the smell in my head forever.
“Could you help set the table?” Dad asked.
“Sure.” I went to the cabinet next to the sink and took out three plates. And three forks. And three napkins. And three glasses. It’s good that I like the number three. Soon, hot burgers were steaming on our plates, and Caesar salad was tossed. We all munched on the delicious dinner.
“You only eating half of that?” I looked down at my plate at the half-eaten burger. I nod. That creeping dread was making its way into my stomach. Even Dad’s burgers made me a bit nauseous.
“I’m not feeling great. I’m gonna go into my room.”
Dad and Dadi shared a look but allowed me to retreat to my room. The more I tried to convince myself Lu was fine, the worse I felt. I hopped into my bed and fell into a deep, dark, sleep.
I woke up early in the morning, sticky sweat covering my sheets. I can’t stand this anymore. Lu is missing, and I have to find her. I creak the door open, and light spills into my room. I guess someone is already up. I walk down the stairs.
“Woah! You startled me.” Dad’s face is shrouded in steam, probably from the fresh cup of coffee under his chin.
“What are you doing up this early?” He asked.
“I’m finding Lu.”
Dad’s face fell, I think he didn’t want me to know, but something was wrong. It’s not like her to be gone this long without even peeping.
“Alright.”
First, I checked her favorite places. The bathroom, laundry room, closet, and under all the beds. Then the places she could have gotten stuck. Under the porch or in a closet. I refused to accept that she wasn't in those places. I scoured the whole house one more time. Nothing. I felt dread creeping up in my veins until I realized I hadn’t looked everywhere. I flung a sweater over my shoulder and grabbed a pair of shoes. The stairs creaked loudly as I thunked into the basement. A chill runs up my spine. I never liked it down here. Neither had Lu. I checked the shelves, but they only had dusty ski boots and empty paint cans. The nook in the back contained patio chairs and tarps. By the water heater there was old bricks and wood. No Lu. Panic floated down onto my shoulders. I started tearing up the garage, still not accepting that she could be out in the world, lost, alone, hungry. Or even in a shelter. Tears stain my eyes as my feet echo on the hollow stairs.
The hollow stairs.
The hollow stairs! One last kernel of hope flares in my heart. I didn’t check under the stairs. She’s probably just huddled under the tarps, scared out of her mind, waiting for me to find her. My eyes turn my tears into joy tears as I scurry down the steps and around to below them. Everything stops when I see what’s there. Lu. Her beautiful, shaggy brown body is lying on the blue tarps.
‘LU!” I cry, flinging myself onto her. But something wasn’t right. Her breathing wasn’t how it should be, her eyes are cloudy, her tail unmoving. I checked her heart. It’s gone.
It’s gone.
It’s gone.
“Lu?” No response. Then the tears came. Rivers and rivers of them. “Lu!” I willed her to wake up, to snap out of it. “Lu!” I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.
It’s not real.
It’s not real.
It’s a dream.
It's not real. Gone. No. Still here.
Still here.
Still here! I buried my face in her fur, trying to take in her smell. No! It wasn’t real. The tears poured out of me, onto her fur, the tarps below us. It felt as if the entire house would flood. The tears flowed. I hiccuped. The world spun. I close my eyes. It feels like a spoon walked down from the kitchen and started to spoon out my guts. Everything was numb. Hollow.
Hollow. So hollow. I think I heard someone come down the stairs, but I wasn’t sure. The tears had me empty and exhausted. I felt someone lift me from the ground. Too tired to protest, I let them carry me into my bed. It was two seconds before I was fast asleep.
I woke up in a daze before remembering what had happened last night. Yesterday morning? Hours ago? What time was it anyway? The crushing weight of sadness fell onto my shoulders. I trudge downstairs.
“You knew, didn’t you?” I ask Dad and Dadi, interrupting their nervous whispers.
“We suspected.” Dadi’s voice sounded clogged. I ran to him and let silent tears drip down to his shirt.
“What time is it?”
“Twelve.” Dad answers my question. I got up and ate some cold pizza from a couple nights ago.
“So, no school?”
“No. But you are going tomorrow.”
I didn’t respond. I felt the same numbness fall over me again. What was the point anyway? I wasn’t going to be able to answer any of the pointless questions. Mr. Wellner was going to be disappointed in me anyway.
A new thought crossed my mind. Why do I care?
Dad and Dadi let me spend the rest of my day on my computer in my room, letting it all sink in. ***
Is everything all right, Lola?” Mrs. Wellner asked politely.
“My–” I bit my lip, trying to hold in tears. “My dog died,” I whispered.
“Oh, Lola. I’m so sorry.” I just nod. I’ll have to get used to those three words.
“Well, class.” Mrs. Wellner whips out her favorite expression. “Before recess, I would like all of you to complete this worksheet.” She starts passing out papers filled with writing, but they only look blank to me. “Now, class, I want you to know that problem thirteen was photocopied wrong, so actually they’re saying eighteen fishes, and please ignore the iguanas.”
The class snickered at Mrs. Wellner's vagueness, but I couldn’t seem to muster up enough emotion to let out even a weak chuckle. I could see my hands shaking, but I was so numb I… I couldn't feel it.
The rest of the day flew past in a mushy slur of math problems and English homework.
It’s been a week. I'm still numb. Still can’t do anything. Still going to school. Dad and Dadi kept whispering to each other, about what, I’m not sure. Lu? What Bob said about the SPCA? The new next-door neighbor? They moved in yesterday. They have a twoyear-old and a five-year-old.
And a puppy. I told my dads no. I am not going to meet them. How could I?
“Lola? Time for school. Grab your bag.” I picked up my backpack. Lately, I haven’t been able to tell the difference between Dad and Dadi’s voice. It was a little scary.
The walk to school seemed different somehow. Maybe it’s because the plants at the gray house seemed a little more dead, and the sky seemed a little more colorless, and the air felt a little more nippy. Like a dog going for your ankles. Or maybe it was just me. Ms. Wellner silently greets me when I walk in. I’m early, as usual. I walk to my desk and put my head down. It was all too much. I don’t know how anyone dealt with all of these things.
The rest of the class trickled in, and Mrs. Wellner greets each one warmly. But I was still cold. I picked myself up and dragged myself over to the pencil sharpener. The grindy sound reminded me of a bulldozer. One that was bulldozing my insides to a pancake. I sat back down on my chair and poked the pencil into my skin. Not far enough to draw blood, but hard enough to spark something in me. The first feeling I had felt in days.
When I got home, I skipped Dad’s applesauce. I knew it would be good, exceptional even. But all I wanted to do was hide in my closet. I found a pen and a flashlight in there, so I started drawing on my skin.
A new world, a better one.
Lu was there.
Dad and Dadi were there.
They were happy.
We were all happy.
Together, as a family.
That wasn’t this world though. I stabbed the pen in my skin. A laugh escaped my lips. I sat with it for a moment. Such a small thing. Yet so big. I snuggled into the puffy jackets and sweaters. Being numb wasn’t too bad.
Over the next few days, I found that the closet was my place. I had potato chips and flashlights and pens and jackets and pillows in there. I slept in there. I had my free time in there. It was my place.
“Ben?” William whispered to Ben, who was sitting across from him at the dining room table, “I’m worried about Lola…” William fiddled with his fingers, “Have you seen the marks on her arms?”
“Yes…” Ben said, “but…” He held out his nails, which, as William looked closer, had been colored in his fingernails.
“Oh, Ben!” laughed William.
Ben blushed. “When I’m left unsupervised with a pen… Anything could happen.”
But William quickly got serious again. “But, Ben, they aren't just doodles… They… They look painful. Like she stabbed herself.”
“Yeah, I’ve noticed them. I just… I just…”
“You just?” probed William.
Ben raised his head and faced William, his bright blue eyes piercing through the darkness.
“I just don’t know what to do.” ***
“Lola?” I hear Dadi call. “Time to get up.” I check my glow-in-the-dark clock. 9:27. Too late for school… It must be a weekend. But then why was he waking me up?
“Lola, come on.” I shuffled around in my closet and opened the door, showing Dadi my crumpled hair and dirty dog-print pajamas. “We have a surprise for you.” He smiled at me excitedly.
“What day is it?”
“Friday. You have a day off!”
“Wha… Why?”
He gave me a look. “Tomorrow’s your birthday.”
Oh. Oh.
I… forgot about that. I nod slowly, awkwardly standing there. He nods slowly with me.
“I’ll let you get ready.” He shuts the door behind him. I tug open my socks drawer and look down. I was tired. I start quietly crying as I put my socks on. Then my shirt, and some pants. I don’t bother brushing my hair. When I walked down the stairs, both Dad and Dadi looked like they were going to explode. Somehow, they manage to look worried at the same time.
I fell asleep in the car. Before Dad, at least, I think it was Dad, woke me up, I had a dream. I couldn’t tell if it was a good or bad one. I was with Lu, but we kept just… Falling. Then Lu was there again but in her puppy form. It looked nothing like her, but I knew it was her, sort of. Like, a new puppy with an old Lu?
Dad shakes me awake.
“Don’t look!” Is the first thing he said, rushed and quick. “You might not be so… accepting of this place yet. But I promise you, nothing we do in there is final.”
I nod, a bit puzzled. Where were we? Why the warning? I step out of the car, and my body stiffens.
The SPCA. I grit my teeth, remembering me, as a little kid, running up these same steps, and looking at all the huskies, the German shepherds, the pitbulls, the hounds, the border collies, the chihuahuas, the dalmatians… and then choosing Lu.
Dadi grabbed my left hand, and Dad my right. I’m still not sure if I wanted to go, but with my dads walking towards the building, there was really no way to stay behind. When we got inside, it was quieter than I remember. Peaceful, almost. Dadi checked in and we went over to the kennel.
From what I remember from my little-kid brain was cages stacked up on each other with dogs inside, not looking particularly happy. But no, I guess I was wrong. There are rows of hallways, and each dog gets their own small room. They even have little tunnels you can put treats in, and they will go into the enclosure for the dog to eat. I slowly walk around, taking in all the dogs, trying to act calm. One little pitbull catches my eye. I walk over and give her some kibble. She bounds up, devours it, and then looks at me so pleadingly. I have to give her some more.
Dad says he needs to use the bathroom, and they both share a knowing look. I hung out some more with Uzoma, I read her nameplate before Dad came back with a bag in his hands. He gestures for us to follow.
I don’t know how, but I’ve managed to tamp down the memories and flashbacks of Lu as I follow Dad and Dadi around a couple of corners. Dadi opens a door on the left side and we walk in, silent. After about a minute of sitting on the slightly sticky floor, I’m about to ask why we are here, but the opening of the door interrupts me. A person dressed in a blue smock and gloves comes in, carrying Uzoma.
I picked out a leash and collar and a couple of toys, and played around with Uzoma while my dads worked out the papers. She does this cute little thing where she moves her paw in a circle while trying to get a toy. Dadi laughs when he sees it.
Uzoma gets to sit in the back of the car with me, a special treat for both of us. I pet her soft head, and she snuggles into my lap. The drive is a bit long, and so I have time to think. About what? Lu. Uzoma. Dad. Dadi. Mrs. Wellner. School. My closet.
I decided that I still love Lu, and always, always would, but that I also love Uzoma. Both can coexist. I felt a lot better.
That night, I slept in my bed, and left the chips in my closet.
I woke up and for the first time in a long time, my knees were not bare.