"Listening skills are not something we are natually born with"

Recently, I saw a service manager I had worked with and felt so happy to see him. I reflected on why I respect and admire him so much compared to other managers I have worked with. The realisation was that he valued me as a person and genuinely took the time to listen. He ‘mirrored’, which is repeating back words or whole sentences I had said in a way that made me think more deeply about their meaning. By simply stating “let me know if this is what you are saying...” gave me confidence that he was listening.

This particular service manager had great eye contact, and his tone of voice was warm and welcoming. He made me feel relaxed and at ease. He did not interrupt me mid-sentence to share his opinion and asked open-ended questions to help me explain my thoughts, feelings, fears and accomplishments. He did not jump in to give me answers or problem solve for me. He allowed me time to figure out what my next steps should be in order to support service users.

He often used silence as a tool to allow me time to process information. It was not a long silence; just enough time for me to understand and digest what he said. At no time in his supervision did I feel rushed or that he was preoccupied. He was able to give me his full attention and focus on what I needed to do to be successful in my practice.

It was refreshing to observe him in chair meetings. I could see how each person contributed based on his ability to make them feel safe and heard. It can be easy to only listen to what we want to hear, and even harder to listen to everyone’s opinion and ensure that all voices in the room are heard.

He was able to reflect back and summarise the main points made in a clear and concise manner. I learned that it was not necessary for families or professionals to have the same opinions.

Being heard makes a huge difference in whether they will return and commit to a plan, project or concept.

Do we truly listen or are we preoccupied by thinking of the next case, client, meeting or even what we are having for lunch? I, for one, know I often switch off and can give ‘lip service’ when stressed or overwhelmed. This is disrespectful to the service user as I may miss an opportunity to hear something important they want me to hear.

I also learnt to listen to my gut feeling. We all recognise when someone is not listening to us and this also applies to service users.

What is underneath the story they are telling you? What is really going on? Service users thrive when social workers are genuine, caring, empathetic, truthful and truly listening to show they can be trusted. Even if that means sharing difficult decisions or stating you do not have the answer to their concerns. You do not have to have all the answers, but you may be able to find them.

Listening skills are not something we are naturally born with. However, they can be learned, relearned and expanded on. They require practice, commitment and the ability to hone in on your skills. To be ‘there in the moment’ for another human being is a skill.

Even during a phone call where body language is not applicable, you can still listen and hear between the words. Silence and effect – not what is said, but how it is said. You can also form a trusting relationship fairly quickly by being non-judgemental and open to whatever is discussed, thus breaking down communication barriers.

Just stating “I am here for you” or saying “tell me what made you call today” can open the door to a flood gate of emotion. Communicating back to a caller in a simple, precise and clear manner helps. Long sentences and complicated wording may cause the caller to feel misunderstood. When a person is in crisis, repeating back exactly what they said to you may help them focus and find their own solution to their problem. “what I heard you say was…? “, “Tell me more about how this makes you feel”.

My work at the Crisis Intervention of Houston, Inc helped me recognise that giving advice does not work.

I learnt that we each have the answer to our own problems within us. I had been investing too much time on what I felt service users needed to change, and not enough time on listening and genuinely hearing what they could do themselves.

I used tools such as paraphrasing, which is rewording what people say and saying it back to them. Openended questions helped me gather the information needed to recognise what they were feeling, and then

I reflected back on the choices they had shared. I was more likely to bring about self-confidence and a shift in their thinking. My role is to hear what is said by being present, non-judgemental and honest.

I realise that in certain circumstances, social workers need to be more direct; however, we still need to listen and truly hear what individuals, families and other professionals see the problem as because this may be different to how we perceive it.

I recently completed my third year at Tresham Community College working towards becoming a person-centred counsellor in the UK. This training has given me even more understanding of how to be present for someone else. It’s much harder than you may think; we’re so used to focusing on multiple things. Slowing down and using relaxation, meditation and mindfulness can help. Through my training, I’ve learnt that you don’t have to be serious all the time. You can also use humour to build rapport with someone and lighten the moment. It helps to humanise me and create a bond which builds trust and shows genuineness.

Independent Social Worker Lorinda Lonie offers training and workshops on crisis intervention, suicide prevention, bullying prevention and listening skills.