The Roles I’ll Play, Bre Kenney

The Roles I’ll Play

Bre Kenney

in life, we’re often put into boxes but there’s space and room to move and grow

in theatre, there aren’t boxes instead you’re pinched and squeezed and poked and prodded until you ft into the body of someone else entirely

and sometimes it’s a perfect ft with just enough room to make it your own, but for others you fnd yourself exploding out the sides and over the top, not because you aren’t good at what you do, but because you’re fat.

and in theatre, being fat isn’t easy. it isn’t fun. it isn’t rewarding or exciting or exhilarating

it’s exhausting. it’s humiliating. it’s walking into an audition room knowing you’ll be cast as an old woman AGAIN. it’s getting a callback and being told that you look too MATURE for this role. its being told you’re not right for the lead but you’re PERFECT for the funny sidekick again and again and again

Being fat in real life isn’t fun either, but I am in control of how I look Of what I say Of how I move

But when I’m onstage, it’s the costumer who puts me in clothes that don’t ft quite right It’s the playwright who decides what I say and when It’s the director who tells me where to go and how to look while doing it

So what? What am I supposed to do with all of this?

With the guilt and the shame and hurt and the crying and the too tight clothes and the too little stage time and the too cocky co-star and the too miserable me?

I’m fat. But I’m not unworthy

A size on my jeans may mean something to you, but it doesn’t to me

A number on the scale may mean something to you, but it doesn’t to me A character on my resume may mean something to you, but it doesn’t to me

Just because I am fat, does not mean I am unworthy Just because I am fat, does not mean I am weak Just because I am a student, does not mean I will be walked all over Just because I am a woman, does not mean I will be objectifed Just because I am gay, does not mean I can’t choose love Just because I am an actress, does not mean I will perform for you

Because I won’t. Not anymore.

I am fat. And I will not be taking on the role of anyone but me, because I am worth so much more than any character you will give me.