reflections TADA! by Ginna Christensen
Today I feel as if I am mourning a death. Is this the same man who believed in me enough to encourage me to quit my job and start my own business? Opened his home to me, my little dog Winnie, and even collaborated with me on my writing? Is this his evil twin? Confused, I am beginning to wonder if the man I loved ever really existed. I feel I don’t know my right from left, and I find myself turning to things that I loved as a child. At IKEA last week I bought myself a stuffed animal. I claimed I was buying it for my dog, but really it’s for me. A bunny: light grey and white and softer then silk. I sometimes cuddle with it at night before going to bed. There is something about it that reminds me of the tooth pillow I used to drag around when I was two. I imagined that it had super powers and would protect me from monsters that lingered under the bed. Now I hope this bunny can protect me from the ones living in my head. I have noticed that singing has the same comforting effect. My love for singing and dancing began when I was about three. That is when I started putting on shows for whoever would watch and listen. I created a stage for myself on the landing of stairs that overlooked our living room. I had costume changes, dance steps which I rehearsed, and a wind up ukulele. Every number ended with the same grand “TADA,” signifying it was time for applause. My grandmother thought I was a genius, “She is so talented,” I often heard her say. Singing made me feel more alive, so much so that my mu-
p103 sloane / fall 2010
sical performances were not limited to the stage in my home. The day my grandmother took me to see my first movie, Snow White, at Radio City Music Hall, I found it impossible to stay seated. I had to dance up and down the aisles of the theater singing along with seven dwarfs: “Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it’s off to work we go.” Now, at 37, I am singing again only this time I am singing “Don’t Stop Believin’” along with the cast from GLEE. In the midst of these cravings to reclaim my childhood pleasures, I wonder what it is about them that I find so comforting. I must miss the days I could run crying into my mother’s arms and believe her with complete certainly when she said, “Everything is going to be alright.” I wonder if this is an effort to do the same for myself. I do long for the day when I can ride the ups and downs of my life with as much fearlessness and excitement as I do riding the Coney Island Cyclone. I want to be able to stare down the monsters that scream in my head, No one will ever love you!” and shout back, “Oh yeah. Well I am still here. TADA!” s —Ginna Christensen is an organic foods aficionado, avid cook, blogger, and the founder of 27ground.com, a custom rug manufacturer based in Los Angeles, CA.