65 Wherever I Am AJ Baldwin the world sings silent on your favorite morning and I never learned how to open my heart first thing, but I think the next time you put your mouth in front of mine I will close my eyes and I will smile and I will say isn’t it nice out? And doesn’t it feel like blooming? and you will say I am falling into hands that are not my own, only I will pretend not to hear you.
The Pursuit of Happiness in Seven Easy Steps Lauren Mesley
I’m going to tell you how to taste happiness. In order to taste happiness, you must first know what it looks like. Happiness is a golden piece of clay. It’s about the size of the palm of your hand, and you can mold it into any single shape you want. It smells like warmth, and it’s softer than the clouds. Happiness tastes like cookie dough, and it melts in your mouth when you take a bite. It fills your stomach with a tingling sensation and the side effects include smiling or laughing. Everyone wants to taste happiness. Many argue the reason all of us humans are here, living on this Earth is for the pursuit of happiness. Which is why you’re reading this today, I suppose. You want to know how to make it yours. I should warn you that telling you how to get it and actually doing it are very, very different things. But, you knew that. Step One: Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, whoever you’re with, drop everything and lay down on the ground. Place your ear against the wooden floors, or carpets, or grass, or cement, and listen very carefully. If you hear a cello, you are not welcome in the caverns of happiness, and therefore should not pursue them. If you hear a harp, count to 31, and stand straight up. The harp music will stay attached to your ears so you can hear it wherever you go. Step Two: Report to the closest post office near you and ask the clerk for “exactly 4,159 stamps for the Queen of England, and make sure the stamps are doubly-serrated.” The clerk will know exactly what you mean and show you to the basement of the post office.
66 Step Three: Once in the basement, there will be a medieval-looking door to your right that doesn’t seem to belong anywhere, let alone where it has been placed. Approach this door, and the clerk will leave you alone. Take both your hands, cup them under your ears, and catch the harp music while it pours out of your ears like milk. Splash the harp milk at the door, and the door will open. (If you throw cello water at the door, it will not open. So, do not try.) Step Four: Through the door, there will be a stone tunnel. The walls will be dripping with fool’s gold. You will have an intense desire to take the fool’s gold and leave the happiness behind. You must fight this desire. When you get to the end of the tunnel, there will be a ladder made of purple neon lights. Climb down and plant your feet on the ground. Step Five: At the bottom of the ladder, there will be a golden retriever puppy in the middle of a large cavern. Do not be fooled by the puppy’s twinkling eyes and sparkly nose–she is the cleverest creature in all of existence. The puppy will introduce herself and explain that you have to throw the ball for her 26 times in order to pass. When you do, and she retrieves it for the 26th time, she will tell you that she had been counting, and that you actually threw it 27 times. She will try to convince you that you counted wrong, but you mustn’t believe her. You are correct. To distract her, throw the ball one last time, and make a run for the doorway on the opposite side of the cavern. Step Six: In the threshold of the doorway, the floor will fall out from under you and you will be dropped into a twisty slide that is lit up with fake candles. Grab your favorite candle on your way down. Step Seven: The mouth of the slide will open up into a giant underground atrium. You will see openings across the cavern walls from other post offices all around the country. Other people may be down there with you, but I recommend keeping to yourself. There will be a donation box a few feet in front of you. Please donate the candle you chose on the way down. We send them to people who may never be invited to the caverns of happiness. They’ll need it more than you do. The cavern ceiling will be covered in a thick layer of happiness. The little clay balls grow off each other, and when they are ripe, they fall onto the stone floor. I’m sure you’ll have noticed the pile of thousands and thousands of balls of happiness in the middle of the cavern by now. You may take your pick of whichever ball you’d like. I’ve had the best success will balls of happiness that glow brighter than the rest of them. Here are the rules: you may not take home more than one ball of happiness, and no one else may take a bite of your happiness. Not your friends, not your family, not your lovers. When the world is ready for them, they will also hear the harp. But for now, they will hear the deep, enchanting bellow of the cello. If you share your happiness with anyone, every party involved will be forbidden from ever pursuing happiness again. This can be found in section 17B of The World Happiness Rulebook and is non-negotiable. Please enjoy your pursuit of happiness! Every person’s journey is different, and involves different emotions, thoughts, and ideas. These steps may sound bizarre, but I swear to you, if you follow the instructions, you will get there. You will taste happiness.