The Diary

The Diary August 26, 2011 Today in class my teacher in homeroom made us all get up and say our name, then something we like to do.

When I said mine it was I love reading, she asked what and I said Warriors and Harry Potter. Ashlyn said the same exact thing. Not cool get your own fave book series. Gosh.

August 30, 2011 I gave up on trying to hate Jonathan, he's funny, smartish lol, fun to be around, a good friend, and I really like him. I tried to talk to Whitney about him because I doubt Nat would care. She's never seemed like the kind of person to care about boys or anything like that so I didn't bother trying to talk to her. Well, failure with Whitney I don't have any classes with her so I didn't get to talk to her.

November 3, 2011 The other night I was at Ashlyn's house and Natalie came over. We did video chat with Elizaveta and had a lot of fun. Then Natalie got a text from Jonathan and

then they started talking. I listened in and texted him too. But I really didn't want to. I knew that Jonathan had asked out Nat again. So I tried being supportive and we agreed to ask Jonathan if he would keep their relationship a secret if she said yes and he said yes.

So now they're together. I can't help being jealous and I'm trying so hard not to be but it's not working.

Tonight me and Jonathan had a convo on FB chat. It wasn't that long but it was fun to talk to him.

November 11, 2011 At school monday Natalie told everyone she had a boyfriend. And everyone guessed who it was. So now everyone knows about Nat and Jonathan. Sorta November 12, 2011 Jonathan keeps talking about Natalie and how much he loves her. I keep trying to be happy but I just cant...

I wonder who Jasmine likes... I bet it's Jonathan I know she wont admit it but I KNOW its him.

November 17, 2011 Me and Jasmine were writing notes today and I asked

her who she likes. She said Jonathan but its on and off.

Right now its off. We were talking bout why Jonathan hates her, and she wanted to show him the note. But i took it from him... he looked confused LOL November 19, 2011 Nat saw one of the notes I gave jasmine. I dont know how much she understood but......... Its not that I dont trust her its that I dont know what her reaction would be. I really want to tell her but I cant. It's really not like I wanna steal her boyfriend. I mean seriously!

November 30, 2011 Today me and Jasmine were fighting cause I wouldn't tell her about the note Natalie gave Jonathan or the one Jonathan gave Nat. Im jonathans friend but I still won't tell him I like him. It hurts when he talks about Nat but shes my friend and she likes him too. But I'm happy if they're happy.

December 1, 2011 Monday I told Becca that I liked Jonathan because she was mad at me for keeping secrets from her and I can

totally relate. I've decided not to tell anyone else unless I really have to. Sometimes it feels like I know him too much. Jasmine and Becca keep asking me why I'm helping Nat and I know the reason and I don't know why they ask. Nat's my friend and I wouldn't do anything like that. Even if she wasn't my friend I still wouldn't do anything.

December 17, 2011 Tonight was the dance and it was AWESOME!!!! At the dance Gabriel asked me to dance and I said no. I was thinking about it for the whole time. Since everyone else was dancing or talking I hung around with Gabriel and we talked about... well... mostly everything.

Then he asked me if I would actually talk to him if I wasn't bored or at the dance. I don't know what I would have said. I actually like him (not like that lol) and I would even more if he wasn't such an annoying jerk.

December 17, 2011 E-mail me for gods sake!!!

December 19, 2011

I dont wanna leave but I have to.

1- Winter break, move in with my uncle in Florida 2- Winter break, move in with my other uncle in Hawaii 3- Spring break, move in with my dad in Seattle 4- Move in with Nat lol Madi- 4 is so not gonna happen. Sorry!

Nat- Aw shit I was so lookin forward to it.

Madi- Funny, you knew it was never gonna happen. I don't let my hopes get too high. They'll just be crushed and it wont be worth it.

Nat- No get your hopes high and then make it come true you are in control of your own life. You have the right to live your life the way you want too. Not saying you will but here are a few examples if you wanna smoke, what the hell smoke no one can stop you. If you know the risk of jumping off a cliff, what the hell jump off a cliff no one can stop you it's your life and you know dont let anyone tell you any different........... I like lecturing and giving advice.

Madi- Thank you for lecturing me?! None of my hopes

are worth it.

December 26, 2011 I never went to florida lucky me, I'm home now. I cant wait for school.

December 31, 2011 Nat write whatever you want on this page: Nat- I would never get mad at you for something as little as liking a boy and you don't have to keep secrets from me. I would never tell if you didn't want me to and I so would have had the same idea of stealing my boyfriend if you had him but I wouldn't make any lies or anything either so thanks a lot your a good friend.

Madi- No I'm really not. I wish I told you before but I can't change anything. I keep reading this over and over. I can't tell you how sorry I am. I'm really really really sorry. You should be mad at me. But I'm glad your not. I'm not telling anybody else. The only person I wanted to know was you and him and somehow like everybody but you guys knew. I told Jasmine and I told Becca.

Nat-It's fine and you are a good friend I probably would have told a few people too it's ok people make mistakes.

Madi- I'm so sorry still. I'm really really sorry and I don't know how you can forgive me.

January 2, 2012 I found my journal yesterday and I read all my entries from before LOL. I added some too. Me and Jonathan were online the same time so I wrote down some of the stuff we were talking about. Since I wouldn't tell him 1 thing, he made me tell him 5 different things I've never told anybody. It took a while, I pretty much told him everything already but I found some stuff! LOL x2 January 4, 2012 The other night (last night) me and jonathan were on FB. He asked what secret I couldnt tell him. Um... obviously I CANT TELL HIM! Now if I tell him I like him then it would be like I was playing him or something. Which is totally not true because I dont want him to be my "boyfriend" or anything. For many reasons. I like being his friend because I know that I

can trust him and wether he knows it (I'm pretty sure he does) or not he can trust me too. I made him rules: The only way I'll tell you the only secret about me you dont know, is 1- You can only talk about it to me.

2- You cant tell anybody.

3- I'm telling you after spring break. :( 4- DO NOT LISTEN TO BECCA!!

5- Make sure you read 4. LOL He keeps asking me like I'm gonna forget I said no already. I have no idea why but I didnt want to talk to any of my friends. It just felt like to me I was trapped in my own world and the doors are closing and they wont re-open for anybody, like I can't talk to anybody because they wont understand. But I've never given anybody a try.

January 4, 2012 I just told him and now I'm sooo nervous. I don't know why, but I'm really nervous and I wish I hadn't told him but I'm glad I did.

- I just read this, does it even make sense?

January 5, 2012 I might be trapped in my own world but I'm not invisible and I'm sure as hell not blind. I can see you staring and I can hear you laughing I don't know who or what you told but it will never get the best of me. I can hear you say behind my back things that aren't true and I can see you out of the corner of my eyes that your staring. I'm sick of it and I'm leaving. I CAN AND WILL TUNE YOU OUT. The doors to my world are closing and unless you run in I can't let you in. I'm sick of the snobby annoying bitches at my school. Every girl only discluding one. I'm more comfortable around boys because I can be the real me whose not a girly stupid bitch. Boys dont judge especially three that I can think of that are my closest guy friends.

January 6, 2012 Everything I've wrote about is like it's straight from some romance novel. Like the Twilight series gone normal. I'm sick of it. I can't wait to leave. :'( I'm sorry I will miss everybody especially Nat, Jonathan, Whitney, Shelby, Becca, Jasmine, Jaina, Hannah, Miki, Ashlyn, and everybody. It breaks my heart seeing

Jonathan every day, and I'm leaving so I don't have to.

But I can't tell him that.

January 6, 2012 My world is falling... slowing crumbling to the ground before sinking in to be left undisturbed until somebody sees the pieces. The doors have officially closed and locked with a key. I won't give anybody a chance but I dont mind. It's left me independent. I'm sorry, I'm locking you out, but you never let me in. It might not matter to you.. but you'll see it will.

January 6, 2012 My dream is to be A- Writer B-Movie Producer C- Film Director D- Actress January 6, 2012 This is a song I wrote: It needs more lyrics so I guess it's not a song yet.

I want you to know that I meant to show the real me beneath the sheets of stories you make me shy when you look me in the eyes I wanna hop on a fast plane going nowhere all of my thoughts fade away everything that we have been through you haunt me anyway January 7, 2012 Nat-What is the whole imma kill myself thing??????????

Madi- Oh crap. What did Jonathan say firstly??

January 8, 2012 My mom is trying to blame me for everything and I'm sick of it. She's banning me from everything and she was gonna take me out of school. She's packing all my stuff because apparently I don't deserve it. She has officially lost her mind. I can't go on living this life that I hate. I liked it better when my mom's

boyfriend would yell at me and beat me until I did what he wanted, at least I knew what the hell was happening.

I cant stand it here. Before I was gonna stay here, but now my mom is forcing me to leave. I was so out of everything and sick of the world and girls, and drama, in the heat of the moment I only had one solution. Kill myself. And I was serious about it. People think because they've "known" me for a while they actually know me. Nobody has clue who I really am and I'm not about to tell them so... get over it. I only know one person who even has a clue who I am. I just decided today with the help Jonathan that it is worth it to live through all the crap of my life.

January 8, 2012 Nat- Why? Plz just try to escape come live with me plz don't do anything your gonna regret, you have great friends. Plz do not leave them, tell me everything, get it off your back. Don't let your mom take control of you, you are your own person not her slave. Plz just think about what your doing. Please for me and Jonathan. He is worried sick that your not gonna be there at school tomorrow and me too. Please just think about running away to my house we have plenty of room for you. You can have another sister and Malia can

come visit anytime so please just think about it.

Madi- I don't know anything anymore. I'm just so sick of everything. My mom was gonna first just take me out of band but now she's thinking about taking me out of school altogether, and after spring break I'm not coming back. I can't do anything at school anymore, no field trips, dances, games, even club day. She's gonna box up everything I own and throw it out because she thinks I don't deserve it.

Nat- Plz don't go come live with me don't go.

Madi- I can't, there's nothing I can do about it.

Nat- Come live with me.

Madi- I CANT!!! Check your email Nat- Oh come on, you know you want to LOL ;) Madi- I would if I didnt have to leave but I at least want to see my dad before he dies. He was 54 when I was 7 so now he's... 59! He's old and I don't even remember what he looks like.

Nat- Oh yeah go see your dad but are you gonna come back? If not I'm going with you.

January 11, 2012 Why him?! Seriously! It's like a punishment! First Cody, then Jonathan, now Austin? It's punishment enough with Jonathan. But Austin? Proof positive that my life is destined to be ruined forever. It's not fair!

Nobody said life was fair but this doesn't even make sense. It's like I opened my eyes for the first time and it's him I see. I just want to curl up on my couch and never get up. Life has it's good and bad, no one said you had to like it. I don't know why I made attachments to NC. A knife will come to cut the strings and I'll be gone forever, so why bother?

Because I like the feeling in my heart when I see the people I love and if someday I have to break the nerve and loosen my grip then so be it. At the beginning of the year I wouldn't admit it was him. I've had so many people ask who? And I can't think of a reply. Even with Cody nobody knew and I'm relieved nobody besides Jonathan knows now. I cried myself a river, built myself a bridge, and got over it. Whatever. Who cares? Right, no one. But I like it that way, I only need one person. And she's gone. Too bad. When I think about it it's like I'm convincing myself not the people around me. I had to tell Becca and Jaina about my suicide mission. Well, Jonathan told Becca and

Becca told Jaina. But I told them to so same thing.

Well, this is it. NEVER WRITING AGAIN. It just breaks me down and makes me more vulnerable.

Nat-I really do care what ever happens. So plz dont give up on yourself plz think of life. The easy way not the hard way, step back and see what you can take control of. Plz. Luv Nat Madi-I never said you didn't care. I just dont like telling people stuff or trusting them unless I really have a reason. I actually wasn't talking about you, surprise! I think my original purpose of this entry was about Austin and Cody and Jonathan. Well, two of the three... anyways, this wasn't about killing myself. So don't worry I guess, I'm trying so hard not to get out of control.

January 11, 2011 I am so lost. I cant think of my reason and I dont know why. All I know is that everybody but me has friends that actually care, it might seem like I do too but it's not true. Becca and Jaina completely betrayed me and Hannah is being a bitch to everybody. Jasmine thinks I hate her, which is probably true. Miki and Mykia and Ashlyn and Avery are never around so I don't bother

with them. Jonathan is too busy with Nat to notice anything and right now I don't care, since Nat decided to "be a couple" both of them have completely ignored me. I used to be his best friend but now I'm questioning that because he sure doesn't act like it. In school he ignores me, when try to talk to him he will say hes going to sleep but I know he's still talking to Nat and I've tried not to care but it doesn't work.

Everything has gotten the best of me ever since I told nat and then I told Jonathan so now I wish I hadn't told anybody. Especially Becca and Jasmine. If I'm mean it's your fault for getting on my bad side. I might act like I don't care but inside I know I do, and because I defend myself in a way that offends other people, everybody thinks I'm mean. But if they looked in the mirror and saw who was really looking back at them, they will change that statement. I tried so hard to laugh along with everybody and smile and talk back but I did that to keep myself from breaking down and completely loosing my mind. I cant do anything anymore. School, work, my life is just in knots and I want them to untangle. I wish spring break would come so I can get out of this lousy excuse for a city. Florida was so much better, 1 it wasnt so damn cold, 2 the schools taught things actually relevant to the subject,

3 the people arent complete retards, I don't even need to go on. This is my opinion and if you don't like it, keep it to your damn self. I'm so sick of this stupid city and everyone in it, including myself. This place has made me loose grammar and spelling, my SANITY, my LIFE. I want it back, montessori programs, theater camps, gymnasiums, aikido, the BEACHES, my friends, I JUST WANT MY LIFE BACK! Let's see Florida has taught me, 1 how to control my emotions and act the way I want to (theater camp), 2 spelling, grammar, math, science. (montessori schools rock!), 3 I could do an effing backhandspring (gym), 4 I could kick anybodys ass and I still can (aikido), 5 I had sun bleached hair and tanned skin (BEACHES), 6 I had all of my friends with me doing everything and I was never left out and I didn't feel COMPLETELY IGNORED! I had Matthew and Alex and Liza and Phe and Ryan and Ryan and Tati and Lexi all of my friends that actually mattered and now I've lost everything. I've now officially, completely, given up. Lord kill me now.

January 11, 2012 I've been having second thoughts . . . now what? Kill myself and get it over with? Tell someone? Carry on being depressed? Live the life I hate? Let people

believe they know me? I don't know . . . it's not working . . . anything. K . I . L . L . M . E . N . O . W .

Nat- No no killing if you don't want me reading stuff just tell me not to and I won't unless you tell me to.

Madi- No please read everything, I'd rather you know here then me have to tell you later...

Nat-Ok but whenever you can tell me to stop. K have a good day :) Madi- You want me to tell you to get the hell of my stuff?! LOL I'm not gonna do that.

January 12, 2012 Ignore me . . . it's not like I have feelings . . . I might not say it a lot but I care . . .

January 14, 2012 Today was the best day ever. It made me forget every problem in my life just for a while. OMG today was the best. My whole class went on an AIG field trip, we had lunch at the mall and we weren't at school the whole day. We came back from the trip at like 4:30. We left at 8:40 am. The best part was on the bus. After

lunch we got on the bus to come back and Hannah and Becca and Jasmine were yelling they had to pee and Jonathan kept making faces to try and get them to laugh, Becca was laughing so hard and then she started screaming at him to shut up and stop looking at her or she was gonna pee on the seat. It was so funny. We had the best time. Jasmine made a video that said Jonathan was a bitch and it had a pic of him with a mustache drawn on. After she showed him he kinda just sat down and shut up for like 2 mins. I knew he was offended and he was mad at me and all my friends and I hate it when he's mad or upset it just makes me mad and upset.

January 14, 2012 This are my lists: | Can't annoy me | Becca-number 1!

Jaina-number 2!

Natalie-number 3! Sorry, but Becca and Jaina have you beat. :) | Fucking Pisses me off |

Adam Kylek Hannah-sometimes :) Jasmine-sometimes :) Ashlyn-sometimes :) Kelly Tatiana Bailey | 1 Exception :) | Jonathan-He only pisses me off when he says I can't make him mad at me. Believe me, I've tried sooo many times :) IDK why, but it bugs me cause I can make anybody ticked except him, and he rubs it in my face to make ME angry at HIM. Usually it works lol Nat- Thnx you should be glad I'm not in your class cause ask Whitney I tried standing on the table, and then flying, and landed on Whitney. I so sad I can't fly ;) LOL Madi- Bravo! Still cant annoy me. I told Becca my list and she tried to annoy me on the bus. She kept punching me and pinching me now I know why Jonathan's afraid of her. She TORTURES him.

Literally.

Nat- Awesome I love me hahhahahahahahahah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is it a good thing I annoy you sometimes?

Madi- Yesss!! When your'e annoying it means my brain is actually working!

Nat- Yyyaaayyyy!!!!!!!

Hannah-Do I really piss you off sometimes? I'm sorry I'll try not to do it again but it's in my nature! Sorry :) Tehe!!!!!

January 15, 2012 Wow. I thought ECMS had drama.

First Kalysta and Matthew were together and then she broke up with him. Matthew still loved her. Then he went crazy over Malia. Didn't tell anybody but it was kinda obvious. Now he's back in love with Kalysta and nobody especially Amanda is supposed to know. Wow. If you don't want word to get out, don't tell Malia.

January 15, 2012 Breathe 2 am and she calls me cause I'm still awake

"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake. I dont love him, winter just wasnt my season."

Ya we walked through the doors so accusing their eyes like they have any right at all to criticise.

Hypocrites your all here for the very same reason.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable, And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.

No one can find the rewind button, girls, So cradle your head in your hands, And breathe... just breathe, Oh breathe, just breathe May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss "Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist, "Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."

Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while, But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles, Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable, And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.

No one can find the rewind button, boys, So cradle your head in your hands, And breathe... just breathe,

Oh breathe, just breathe There's a light at each end of this tunnel, You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again If you'd only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me, Threatening the life it belongs to And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud And I know that you'll use them, however you want to But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable, And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table No one can find the rewind button now Sing it if you understand. and breathe, just breathe woah breathe, just breathe, Oh breathe, just breathe, Oh breathe, just breathe.

Madi- I love this song, sometimes it will make me fall asleep and just calm down and I can pretend I don't have to worry about everything.

Nat- It sounds good why does it make me cry?

Madi- Don't ask me. . .

Nat- Ok I just listened to the song it is awesome.

Madi- Yeah Anna Nalick is talented.

January 17, 2012 If there's one thing that I don't get a lot of its understanding and compassion I mean I'm the type of person that gets close to people and then let them fade away though the cracks of my fingers... thats why I distance myself from most people cause I rather not get close to anybody. I mean sure I have friends and all but if there's one friend that I would truly call my REAL friend it would be Natalie or as people call her Nat so yeah I mean if there is 1 friend that I would never want to lose it would be her. I honestly don't smile much but when I'm with her I see a bright side to life she's caring about other peoples feelings and she's always looking out for her friends (nat if you

ever read this i want you to know that being friends with you literally saved my life and I want to cherish every moment that I shared with you for the rest of my life) :') you made me realize that you don't need a boyfriend or money or HELL even a father in your life to be happy and to smile again...

But she's not one of the only people that I've met who understands me.. his name is Jonathan and I honestly believe that I might be falling in love with him O_o and we have been chatting on facebook and like he's one of the only people who ever understood or cared to listen to the misery and sorrow that came out of my life and I can honestly say that I'm struggling with finding who I am but when I talk to him I don't have to worry about that because no matter what I'll always know that he's gonna be there to pick me up when I fall and cheer me up when I'm down and wipe the cold crystal tears off my face cause he has a really good heart :) and even if it isn't me I hope one day he finds his princess <3 January 19, 2012 OK me and some friends (you know who you are! ;) wrote a note about a certain thing and we got other

friends to sign it (again you know who you are). But my dumb ass teacher took the note and everybody who signed it got in truuuuble! it was awesome. He took us into the hall and gave us a "talking to" lolololol!!!!!!!! Then I forget who, but somebody in our "group" said when we walk in start laughing. So we did and it was so funny to see the expression on everyones faces! I'm happy now. Tehehehehe. No matter if we were told not to do what it said in the note (hehehe) we are still bound by the law of the crumpled up piece of paper so girls no secrets, no war anymore. That means that Becca, Jaina, Nat, no secrets cause we are all friends and bound by (my) law. But Nat you were not one of the original group so you don't have to but Becca, Jaina, and me do!

Hannah- IT WAS ME WHO SAID LETS WALK IN LAUGHING TEEHEE January 19, 2012 Unsent Letters Dear -Jonathan-, I think I might still like you, not that you care or anything. Everytime I hear a love song, I think of you and start to hide my tears. This might sound stupid, but I think about you more than I should.

I love it when we talk because I know I can trust you. I love it when you sit beside me, even when you're not paying any attention to me. I know your secrets and you know mine and I'm glad. Your always there. Your my best friend.

Dear -Becca-, Your awesome, the best person and you can always make me smile and laugh. We need to hang out and do stuff. And you like pie. tehe. Youve been with me through a lot and your not a bitch (unlike some people). Your my best girlfriend.

Dear -Jaina-, Your awesome too so don't be disappointed. Your funny and nice and you did the science project with me! Your short but we love you anyways! And my sis thought you were my friends younger sis. LOL Sorry! Your my other best girlfriend (dont worry :) Dear -Natalie-, Your completely insane but we love you anyways. I've known you for like 2 years almost and we're not that close but your my friend and Im happy.

Almost. Anyways, you can make a room silent by saying something stupid and you can make anybody laugh and smile and enjoy life for a while. I'm sorry that you have to read everything I write about JS but. . . if you don't want to then just don't read this cause that's

mostly what I write about. Your my OTHER girlfriend. (again dont worry your all my best girlfriends) January 19, 2012 Bruno Mars had a Grenade, and Tiao Cruz had Dynamite, so they both threw them at Katy Perry who exploded like a Firework. The bang was so loud that the Black Eyed Peas forgot The Time, while Rihanna had memory loss and ran around saying Whats My Name.

Eminem looked around and said Im Not Afraid, then Willow Smith began to Whip Her Hair, which scared The Far East Movement who began to Fy Like a G6.

Nelly then woke up and sighed as he said it was Just A Dream. LOL January 19, 2012 NATALIE CRANMER! Why didn't you tell me you got in trouble cause of your facebook???????????????????

Seriously this is my fault you should have told me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so so so so sorry! And you can't say it's not my fault because it is!

You thought I wouldn't notice if your account was deactivated? Really????

January 20, 2012 Unsent Letters Dear -Jonathan-, Why don't we ever talk anymore? I actually like you still. Your the one person I've given permission to break me. Your the only person to be able to make me cry. Somebody can say I'm an evil person or that I'm mean or a bitch or something they can't hurt me. But if you say it then it really gets to me because your the one person who I want approval from. I wish I could actually tell you how I feel. But that's impossible.

Dear -Becca-, Your one of my best friends, but I know absolutely nothing about you. You know everything about me and your one of the few people who do. I don't like it when you play me. And you might not mean it but, Jasmine tells me things and your version of things seem unreal. You didn't tell me the whole story to Jasmine's text, she said sorry and then you said something to make her say I hate you. So now I don't know what to think.

Dear -Jaina-, Your one of my best friends, and like BR, I know nothing about you. You know all my secrets but, the only person who knows anything about you is BR,

and your the only person BR tells anything besides Jasmine. I don't know what to think anymore, you tell Jasmine you made up, but you tell me you hate her and your only her friend cause you were gonna end up her friend anyways. Why go through with the whole ditching thing if your gonna go and ruin it?

Dear -Natalie-, I don't know you anymore. You ditch your friends like me and Shelby and you don't talk to me anymore. I know nothing about you, Ashlyn says stuff like "Me and Nat are best friends and she tells me everything, we hang out like every day." This is the same as 5th grade. All last year you would hang out with Whitney. It's like you were glued to her side. It was sickening. Your still glued to her, I've had Shelby and Kim come up to me and tell me how you ditch them to do whatever with Whitney. Me and Shelby and Kim get along because we can relate to being ignored by you and Whitney. Do you know how it feels? No, because it's like everyone just forgives you because your "popular". You might not have noticed but everybody follows you around like lost puppies and they follow your every move. You remember last year when we hated Kelly and everyone thought we were following you? Yeah same thing. I hate being mean to my friends, but reality hurts. I know. You have no idea

how it felt to know that Kelly was using me last year, how people think I'm some goth chick, and that I don't care about anything? It's not something I can just overlook. So many times I've been sitting in my room crying because of everything.

January 20, 2012 Jasmine is getting on my nerves. UGHHH LEAVE ME ALONE! I sent her this on fb: Um I shouldn't have to tell you all of the things. First you call Becca a liar and that is completely not true.

Then you give us a damn test to see if you can trust us.

We're not idiots jasmine, if you say your inlove with some stupid star then obviously we're not gonna take you seriously so why do that in the first place? You said you couldn't trust us and then you expect us to trust you? That's mental. You've been a real bitch for the past time we were trying to be nice. It's hard to include you when you act like a baby and dont take stuff seriously. I dont include Ashlyn in stuff, but do you see her acting like a bitch and trying to get info out of us? No. She knows when to quit, you keep trying to push your luck and its getting so annoying.

What we say is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! If we

tell you then we tell you. You act like a bitch to Hannah and you expect her to be nice. You told me her secrets and no matter what even if your mad at her then you should keep her secrets. You said you don't tell secrets that is a lie! You sent me "I'm sorry" but you send Becca "You know what I HATE YOU" that is fucked up Jasmine. The whole note was MY idea. Well mine and Hannahs. When me and Hannah were passing notes in science she asked me, Becca and Jaina if we wanted to ditch you and we all said yes. I've wanted to do this for a while and I've tried but I gave up and tried to be nice because I realized that you'd have like no friends if we did that and I'm sorry but I can't be your friend. Your just not the same person I thought you were at the beginning of the school year.

I'm sooooooooo fed up with Jasmine.

Becca- Amen sister so true Madi- Mhmmm and thats why you made up with her?

Ashlyn- I agree 100% she is a real big 1 and you rock!!!!!!!!!!!! Go Madison!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

January 23, 2012

I just realized. . . again. . . I HATE girls. Even me January 23, 2012 ♫ I'm crazy. I'm sensible. I'm smart. I'm dumb. 'Im beautiful. I'm ugly. I'm fat. I'm thin. I'm fun. I'm a killjoy. I'm the girl of your dreams. I'm not. I'm in love. I'm caught up. I'm in the middle. I'm me. Take it or leave it. ♫ January 23, 2012 Like maybe 30 mins ago, two guys maybe 21 years old, broke into the studio! It scared the crap out of Tina.

They bust through the back door to the Collective and then ran around the back to get away. They ran into THE YELLOW HOUSE! Just around the corner and Tony WATCHED them! Tina called the police and they came and got arrested so, all's good now.

January 24, 2012 I spoke to Liza briefly, she was mad at one of her friends cause they were faking and she was caught up in the drama. I mean really?! Same thing here! I wish I was in FL with my besties. Sorry Jonathan, my

OTHER besties.

January 24, 2012 Unsent Letters Dear -Jasmine-, I'm sorry for what I did. End of Story.

Dear -Elizaveta-, I miss you so much, you were my best friend. You know everything about me and we would give each other boy advice, stay up all night on New Years, watch movies until midnight, pass notes in class, watch Youtube videos on your laptop and make fun of them, get in trouble in class, we would run around chasing Matthew and Alex, we would hang out every day, you lived down the street, we were the teachers favorites. I miss FL and I miss you so much. If I could go back in time to when I lived in FL, I wouldn't have any second thoughts. Your mom hated me, we would listen to rap in your car and scream at the top of our lungs :), me and you would hang out with Mikaela, we would take hooks and crabs and fish off the pier at my boat by the bridge, we would put on bikinis and wash your dog, we would climb trees, we would take a magnifying glass and burn leaves, we knew what each other thought and if one of us were upset, we went to

the beach on 4th of July and swam around the shore, you were with me when I got my rats, I was with you when your baby brother was born, we were like sisters.

I miss you. I wish I could just call you and tell you everything all over again. I like living in the past, all of my great memories of the past when I could walk to your house and we could sit on your steps and just talk.

January 24, 2012 Unsent Letters Dear -Jonathan-, I used to talk to you every night and every day. I see what you post on fb. Your online but you won't talk to me anymore. I give up. I know you talk to other people on fb, ever since I told you I like you, you've ignored me. It breaks my heart even more when you ignore me but I'm too afraid to say anything because when I see you, I can't stay mad at you or be upset. No matter how much I want to tell you what I think I can't because you make me freeze up and even though I try as hard as I can to not act differently around you it's impossible.

Dear -Becca-, I have nothing to say to you. :) Dear -Jaina-, Don't worry, nothing has to concern you.

Dear -Natalie-, I'm sorry about the last letter, it was mean. But it's the truth.

Becca- Well that is mean you just say I have nothing to say to me. It sounds like you are mad at me.

January 25, 2012 Unsent Letters Dear -Jonathan-, OMG, I'm over you!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so happy now.

Dear -Becca-, You need to tell me secrets cause I barely know you. :) Dear -Jaina-, Would you please stop telling Jasmine EVERYTHING!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? She's jumping to conclusions and this was one of the reasons I was mad at her before.

Dear -Natalie-, You still don't know exactly why I'm mad at you because I'm afraid to tell you and to ask you to stop ignoring your friends.

Dear -Jasmine-, Can you ask us if we're mad at you because I'm not gonna lie, you keep jumping to conclusions and I really hate it when you do that.

Dear -Elizaveta-, I miss you so much.

Dear -Hannah-, You need a dictionary.

January 26, 2012 I just realized that I have to add a new choice to my list of impossible dreams: A- Writer B- Movie Producer C- Film Director D- Actress E- Singer/Songwriter January 26, 2012 If your wondering then the Austin I said I like is probably who your thinking. . . So don't tell him anything. Please I don't want him to know so don't say anything.

Jasmine- I won't tell :) Is he in our class ??? This is my new signature k (:( Ashlyn- Austin CARVER?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Madi- Love your signature Jasmine! LOL two faced just

like YOU! Um @Ashlyn maybe. . . well he's probably who you think he is so. . . if thats what you think then, maybe. Ok yes.

Jasmine- Well ok BTW Hannah can't say crap she used to like him too. (:( Madi- Well she doesn't like him now thats for sure. :) Becca- So wait you like Austin Carver right? If not then I have no idea who it is so please tell me?!

Pleaseeeeee?

Madi- Yessssss, that's why I said that nobody knows who I really like cause I gave up on Jonathan.

Hannah- OMG Who said I was over Austin????????????????? Jasmine and Madi really mad my phone died last night and then I went to bed.......

Madi- So you like him too?????????? Sorry your phone died mine did too and then me and Jasmine were just on FB. LOL me and her thought you fell in the "potty" LOL. Sorry Ashlyn- I can't say anything either cause I like him just this little bit ( ) don't say ANYTHING TO ANYONE OK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Madi- Hahahahahahahahahaha no offense. But Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah a bawhahahahahahahahahahaha LOL x like 100 Well I like Jonathan more so I really don't care.

Anyways I'm never gonna be over him so IDC. Ashlyn- Ok thanks for not being mad!!!!

Madi- Oh I don't freaking care I like Jonathan way more, like WAY more.

January 27, 2012 This is a song I wrote called The Real Me: I'm hiding inside.

So don't close your eyes.

Cause when I show you who I am, I'll blow you away. . .

My mind's full of sparks.

I just need an ignition.

I'm the 99th floor.

I'm on a mission, To find who I am The Real Me Its who I want you to see.

I'll stand up.

for what I believe.

I won't give up.

'Till you give me.

What I want.

What I need. . .

Is for you to see.

The real me.

January 28, 2012 I'm not going to school February 14, for many reasons.

1- It's Valentines Day 2- I dont wanna be around Natalie and Jonathan 3- I HATE Valentines Day 4- I'd WAYYYYYYYYYY rather be at home watching Twilight and Harry Potter.

Becca-You got that right!!!!

Madi-OMFG this is so happening Ashlyn-CAN I COME TOO? PLEASE? Madi- NO! I want to sit around drowning in misery by myself on V-day January 29, 2012

I forgave him. He just makes me feel bad and then I have to forgive him. He said he's sorry and now I like him all over again. He said I'm the only one who believes he has a heart, he said I know him better than any of his friends, I know him as well as I knew Liza.

January 30, 2012 I want to make up with Nat because when she's not there and she's not my friend it feels like there's a giant hole in my heart. I know I hurt her because I said some things that weren't exactly the nicest, but I want to make up but I can't if she just goes on ignoring me. I don't know how she feels but I hope that she wants to just get this over with because I hate fighting with my friends, if I can still count her as my friend. . . She thinks I hate her which is not true I was just mad at her and when I'm mad I do rash stuff so, I was acting in anger and I can't change what I did but I hope I can make it better.

January 30, 2012 Why is life full of so much drama and hate? This is a rhetorical question (It means Im asking the question but I dont want an answer <3- Hannah lol) Love y'all,

and the drama that comes with my besties <3333 Hannah- Well, thank you for the human dictionary Madi. Now how much drama can be in one small girl????

Thats a rhetorical question..... (same thing you said) teehee Madi- Your crazy, but I love ya!

January 31, 2012 IM SO PISSED AT SOMEDBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG CUT IT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jasmine -Who Madi-Jonathan January 31, 2012 I just want this over. Natalie, I'm so sorry and I want to make up but if you ignore me like some people (Jonathan) then I can't fix this. I'm still mad at you for telling Ashlyn and Whitney but I can't change anything.

Becca, I don't know why you were so freaking pissed at me! I didn't do anything!

Jasmine your my BFF/BFF lol, start telling me stuff cause you can trust me and I can trust you unlike some people (Natalie).

Hannah ILY!!!!!! Your mah bestie!!!!!! You should start telling stuff cause I've proved to you that you can trust me and I know I can trust you.

Jaina, your awesome I haven't had any problems with you, I can PROBABLY trust you. Jk I can.

Jonathan, come on! FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Becca- I am not pissed anymore so tell me something about me. Something you LOVE about me pleaseeeeeeee thanx you are my BFF/BFF Madi- Do you know what BFF/BFF means? It means Best Friend Forever/Backstabbing Fuck Face lol Madi- Ok Becca, your awesome and ILY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So dont worry but you need to trust me too cause I trust you but you keep secrets from me anyways!! Ok I have a pressie for you!!!!!!! Yay!!

Hannah- Well, I don't like to tell people things sooooo, I don't trust too many people so I'll think about k?

February 1, 2012 Information (In case your wondering): I've liked these people: (and like : ) Cody Dunn (used too) Jonathan (still like no matter what I say or do to try not to) Austin (kinda but not as much as Jonathan) February 1, 2012 I'm so sad. About everything. Please forgive me Natalie. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH! February 2, 2012 Unsent Letters Dear -Anybody who's reading-, Yes I liked Cody, but I WAS NOT ACTING OUT CAUSE HE WAS IN THE ROOM! OMG I didn't even know he was there. Besides, I talk all the time and just then Mr. Simmons saw me so, not cool man. I haven't even thought about Cody until you mentioned him so thanks a lot bitch. Now I can't stop thinking about him.

GAWD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANKS SO MUCH! Now I like him AGAIN. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhh Actually if I knew he was in the room I wouldn't have acted so stupid. I'm serious February 3, 2012 Everybody leave me alone, I haven't done anything so leave me out of this. You keep treating me like I care and for most of the times I really don't care.

February 3, 2012 OMG I'm soo bored somebody save meeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

February 5, 2012 It's 1:28 am and I watched The Woman in Black so freaked now and I can't sleep so I'm watching Psych and on my laptop. Wonders. . . why do people post shit on FB at like 2:00 am? I mean normal people are sleeping but I'm scared as crap so totally not sleeping. .

. yet.

February 5, 2012 Its 3:31 am and I cannot sleep, I keep looking over my shoulder for The Woman in Black.

February 5, 2012 Unsent Letters Dear -Becca-, You are so awesome and I wish I could trust you and I want to but after Natalie I can't trust anybody anymore.

Dear -Hannah-, I don't want to tell you anything so, too bad but I know if I tell you that then it will hurt your feelings so I won't say anything.

Dear -Jonathan-, I'm still not telling you so haha.

Dear -Elizaveta-, Miss you and ILY. Dear -Natalie-, OMG I might have forgave you but I can't trust anybody now so thanks. I really want to trust you but I can't.

Dear -Nicole-, Thanks for being there for me when all of my friends weren't.

February 6, 2012 Am I single? Yes Last real relationship? IDK Crush? Jonathan Who has my heart? Jonathan, though he doesn't know it Am I the jealous type? Yes. . .

Who would I date? IDK Last time I cried? Last night): Favorite song? What The Hell by Avril Lavigne Something I hate? Christmas movies, the color yellow, and pencils LOL Longest relationship? 1 year Who I miss? Jonathan and Natalie Crushing on someone? Yeah Addiction? Psych Something I love? Love

Favorite color? Green Eye color? Blue/Green Height? 5 ft 3 in Do I believe in love? Yes Random Fact? Ummmmm Favorite holiday? My birthday Shoe size? 6 Birthday? 8-16-99 Did I ever fall in love? Yes Boys I trust? Jonathan, Tristen, and Jacob Girls I trust? Shelby, Whitney, Mikaela, and Diana February 6, 2012 * 1: Who did you last say "iloveyou" to? Jonathan * 2: Do you regret it? No * 3: Have you ever been depressed? Yes * 4: Are you a boy or girl: Girl * 5: Are you insecure? Yes * 6: What is your relationship status? It's complicated

* 7: How do you want to die? With my best friends * 8: What did you last eat? Umm, pizza? * 9: Have you played any sports? Does Cheerleading count? * 10: Do you have an attitude? Yes * 11: Do you like someone? Yes * 12: What is your real name? Madison Hakela Hair * 13: Have you ever read a book? No duh * 14: Do you hate anyone at the moment? Yes * 15: Do you miss someone? Yes * 16: Twirl or cut your spaghetti? Twirl * 17: Do you tan a lot? over the summer? Nope I burn * 18: Have any pets? Yes * 19: How exactly are you feeling? Really sad * 20: Ever eaten food in a car while someone or yourself is driving? Yes * 21: Good driver? Never tried lol * 22: Are you scared of spiders? Nope * 23: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? Yes * 24: Do you regret anything from your past? Yes * 25: What are your plans for this weekend? Try and get Shelby or Natalie over * 26: Do you want to have kids? Yes * 27: Do you type fast? Yes

* 28: Do you have piercings? No * 29: Want anymore? Yes * 30: Can you spell well? W-E-L-L * 31: Do you miss anyone from your past? Yes * 32: What are you craving right now? Nothing * 33: Ever been to a bonfire party? Yes * 34: Ever had a silly band? Yes * 35: Have you ever been on a horse? Yes * 36: Have you ever broken someones heart? Yes * 37: Have you ever been cheated on? No * 38: Are you thinking of someone right now? Yes * 39: Would you live with someone without marrying them? Yes * 40: What should you be doing? Cleaning my room * 41: Whats irritating you right now? My friends :) * 42: Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts? Yes * 43: Does somebody love you? I hope so * 44: What is your favorite color? Green * 45: Have you ever changed clothes in a car? Yes :) * 46: Milk chocolate or white chocolate? Milk * 47: Do you have trust issues? Yes * 48: Best friends name? Shelby * 49: 2nd best friends name? Diana * 50: 3rd best friends name? Mikaela

* 51: Who was the last person you cried in front of?

Diana * 52: Do you give out second chances too easily? Yes * 53: Is it easier to forgive or forget? forget * 54: What was your childhood nickname? Madi or Emmy. But call me that and I will kill you. * 55: Favorite food? IDK * 60: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

Yes * 61: Did you have dream last night? Yes * 62: Have you ever been out of state? Yes * 63: Do you play the wii? No * 64: Are you listening to music right now? No * 65: Do you like chinese food? Eh * 66: Who are you texting right now? Nobody * 67: Are you afraid of the dark? No * 68: Is cheating ever okay? No * 69: Are you mean? Mhmmm :) * 70: Can you keep white shoes clean? No * 71: What year has been your best? 5th grade * 72: Do you believe in true love? Yes * 73: Favorite weather? Summer * 74: Do you like the snow? Yes * 75: Does it snow a lot where you live? Kinda * 76: Do you like the outside? Yes

* 77: Do you wanna get married? Yes * 78: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? I guess * 79: Are you hungry? No * 80: What makes you happy? Certain people :) * 81: Would you change your name? Yes * 82: Ever been to Alaska? No * 83: Ever been to Hawaii? Yes * 84: Do you watch the news? No * 85: What's your zodiac sign? Leo * 86: Do you like subway? Yes * 87: Do you talk like your friends? No im NOT southern * 88: Have you ever seen someone you knew and purposely avoided them? Yes * 89: Do you have a friend of the opposite gender who you can act your complete self around? Jonathan, Tristen, and Jacob * 100: Who was the last person of the opposite gender you talked to? Tristen * 101: Do you feel good? Yes * 102: Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? Jacob * 103: Can you count to one million? No * 104: Are your finger nails painted at the moment? No * 105: Favorite number? 7 teehee

* 106: If you could pick two people your own age or younger to be stuck on a stranded island with, who would it be? Jacob and Shell * 107: Are you a hunter? Hell No * 108: Tall or short? tall * 109: Favorite subject in school? Communication Skills * 110: What 5 people do you trust the most? Jacob, Tristen, Mikaela, Diana, and Becca * 111: Who do you think has amazing hair? Someone * 112: Parents divorced? Yes * 113: What city do you live in? Elizabeth City * 114: Where were you born? Hilo, Hawaii * 115: Recliner or couch? Couch * 116: What two people do you miss talking to?

Jonathan and Natalie * 117: Who will you be with this weekend? Hopefully Shelby or Natalie * 118: City or country? City * 119: Water or soda? Water * 120: Was this a waste of my time? NO February 9, 2012 I give out second chances too easily and I'm done so if your on my bad side your staying there. So if you want to be my friend stop annoying me and purposely killing

my joy. Ok this is my new list: |Can't annoy me and is on my good side| Becca Jaina |Can annoy me and is on my good side| Jasmine Hannah Jonathan Dylan-ILY Natalie Ashlyn |My bad side| Kelly February 11, 2012 I went to see Journey 2 The Mysterious Island with Malia, and I saw Mikaela, Hayden, Ali, RJ, Maggie, and Brycen. I sat with them and we watched the movie together. Miki told me to watch her and I turned around and she kissed Hayden. Awwww <3 sweeeeet.

Hayden came up to me after the movie and said "So, haven't seen you in a while." I said "Yeah." Then he

said "Yeah like a year." I said "More like a few hours." he said "Don't bring up the few hours gosh!" LOL February 15, 2012 Tonight er this morning 12:18 am I'm online talking to Jonathan and I just realized I don't like him. I don't love him. I just love the person he is and how he acts, the real him, not the cover story February 18, 2012 I don't hate you Becca, but I cannot believe you would tell Jonathan I love him so thanks and I was so mad at you. I DONT LIKE HIM! I love who he is and how he's different but I DONT LOVE HIM. STOP TELLING EVERYBODY EVERYTHING I AM SO SICK OF IT BUT I DONT HATE YOU. Oh and BTW, I broke up with Dylan.

February 20, 2012 Natalie I would hate losing you and not being your friend. I can't stand it if I make you feel bad or if I make you sad. I don't want you to break up with Jonathan. Becca told Jonathan that you guys should

break up because it would help me. And I don't know how that would help since I would probably cry just as much as you would. And I didn't say anything when she said that because if I said anything it would be the wrong thing and I didn't want to get Jonathan more mad at me than he already was. I can't stand fighting with you and fighting with Jonathan. I want to trust you so badly but I'm afraid that you'll tell somebody again and I don't care if you tell Courtney any of this because if you can trust her then I guess I can try to.

I'm only as strong as my friends. When my friends feel bad I feel bad for them and when their mad at someone I'm mad at them too. I'm sorry I ever wrote that stupid note and gave it to you. I wasn't trying to start anything, I was mad at you for telling Ashlyn and before I thought about what I was going to do I did it and it ruined everything. I'm so sorry. I just don't want Jonathan reading everything I say to you. If I wanted him to know I would send him the same email so please tell him to stop reading my emails. And I know your probably wondering how I know he was reading my emails to you and heres how just please don't tell him I don't want him to be mad at me again: Ok, so it was a little while ago when he told me to send him a picture I had so I sent it to his email and he said

that he never got it. So I logged into his email to see if he got it or not and see why it wasn't sending and at the time I was using an older browser, so when I upgraded m browser I never logged off his email. So yesterday I went back on that browser to check my email since my new browser wasn't working, I was still logged in as him and I saw your emails to him and I know I shouldn't have looked but I did because I saw that he told you he was reading my conversation with you. I'm logged off now so I can't read your emails so don't worry. I'm so sorry.

February 21, 2012 Ok here is a clue to tell what I mean when I inbox with you or email you: LOL-I don't have anything better to say Cool-I don't care BRB-I don't wanna talk to you Bye-I want to talk but not to you Soooo-I'm bored pick a subject OMG-Fuck that

Haha-Random laughing Whatever-You offended me It's ok-No its not Ok bye-I'll miss you Love you-If your a boy, I mean it Love you-If your a girl, your my sis Hey-Come online mutha fucka Ok-Not ok February 21, 2012 I wasn't always the way I am. I used to be happy all the time and I used to have fun and get in trouble and live life to its fullest but now I dont have a reason. If you knew me last year then you would think that I'm a serious, goody-goody, smart ass. But, if you really knew me, you would know that I'm a happy person. A rebel.

A smart ass. I'm a teachers pet. (SHUT UP JONATHAN) I'm not a goody-goody, I'm not serious, I'm not the kind of person who will take everything seriously. I can take a joke and I can give one and I'm gonna fucking get you back jonathan. I'm not serious

all the time but im not some insane, crazy person. I'm smart but I'm not a genius. I'm a rebel but I'm not goth or mean. I totally have an attitude and I take some people seriously but not others. Others I know when to take them seriously and when not to.

February 26, 2012 Unsent Letters Dear -Jonathan-, Best friend 1st BFFL Dear -Becca-, Your my sista, love you, skype me gurrl.

You are so much fun to be around and I really wanna come to your party but idk if I can soooooooooo, and you love PIE! No, chicken pie!

Dear -Jaina-, You are freaking awesome you are pretty much the only person not completely inside the drama of my life. I can walk up to you and we can just talk about random stuff and NONE OF THE DRAMA!!! ughhhh Your my 4th BFFL Dear -Hannah-, You rock but you can be SERIOUSLY annoying gosh. ILY gurrl.

Dear -Jasmine-, OMG CUT IT OUT WITH THE DRAMA AND JOKES UGHHHHHHHHH! No offense, I

fucking hate you.

Dear -Dylan-, We need to set up a date where Becca and Hannah can come to meet you cause you rock lol.

Dear -Whitney-, Gurrl you rock and I can tell you pretty much anything since I've tried and you listen and you can tell me anything and YOU LIKE NICK FOLEY!!!! Ok now we gots a prob here. 2nd BFFL Dear -Natalie-, Haha your initials are NC heh coincidence? Ummmm, I don't know where to start. I want to tell you everything and to start over but I don't know where to start. Sooooooooooooo, ummm idk.

3rd BFFL Dear -Shelby-, Come on I have no classes with you anymore not cool. Ok call me we have some catching up to do. 5th BFFL Dear -Nicole-, Yeah I dont care that nobody knows who you are you have been my friend since I moved here and nothing has come between us. Even though we've never met I feel like I've known you forever.

Dear -Courtney-, Haha same initials as your bro and that scares me. Nat's best frand. Well, I don't know you very well but you know how to have a good time.

February 27, 2012 Through Everything, Thank You Natalie For Not Letting Me Give Up. I'm So Happy I Didn't Just Let Go Of My Life And Give Up. I Don't Have Anything To Write About Anymore Since Im Trying Not To Have Worries And To Live Life To Its Fullest And To Just Pay Attention To The Little Things And Let Go Of The Past. Thank You To All Of The People Who Helped Me Through This.

Thank You. For Being There. Understanding. Forgiving. Being Online EVERY Day. Talking In Class. Sharing Your Life With Me. Passing Notes. Singing On The Bus. Being Crazy. Not Judgemental. Just Listening. Trusting.

Loving. Knowing. Believing In Me. Being My FRIENDS. To. Natalie Jonathan Becca Whitney Ashley

Mikaela Shelby Jaina Nicole Hannah Dustin Jasmine Ashlyn Grace Noah Dylan Haley Avery Caleb February 28, 2012 I'm really good friends with Becca and not so much with Jasmine. I'm really close to her and I love her like my sister but . . . have you ever noticed, When Becca is pissed off at me then she gets close to Jasmine and doesn't leave her side. But when me and Becca are really good friends again and when we are cool, she NEVER leaves my side and it's annoying.

When Becca is my sister again then she talks crap

about Jasmine and how she hates her or whatever she says and then one little thing I do ticks her off and she's all besty with Jasmine again. There are few people that have always been there for me. They have literally ALWAYS been there for me. These are those people: Whitney Jonathan Jaina Shelby There are others that have usually been there for me but not all the time. They do get mad at me and call me a bitch and say I'm so annoying but if your going to be my friends then get used to it because that is who I am and always will be. These are those people: Becca Hannah Jasmine Ashlyn Natalie Hayden -seriously Grant - serious Dylan C. - still serious

February 28, 2012 Quotes I like(: I am OUTSPOKEN, OPINIONATED, and DETERMINED. I want what I want and there is NOTHING wrong with that. SO try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of BEAUTY I hold within me. YOU WON'T SUCCEED!!

And if that makes me A BITCH so be it. I embrace the title I am and PROUD to bear it.

It's EASY to stand with the crowd. It takes COURAGE to stand alone.

Live life as if YOU'LL DIE TOMORROW. Dream as if YOU'LL LIVE FOREVER. You never know how strong you are, until being strong, is the only choice you have.

It's not who you are that holds you back. It's who you think your not.

Someday everything will all make perfect sense. So for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason.

Life is too SHORT. Grudges are a waste of perfect HAPPINESS, LAUGH when you can, APOLOGIZE when you should, and let go of what you can't change. LOVE DEEPLY and FORGIVE QUICKLY, take chances, give everything, and have NO regrets. Life is too short to be unhappy, you have to take the good with the bad, SMILE when your sad, love what you got, and always remember what you had, always forgive but NEVER forget, learn form your mistakes, but never regret, people change, and things go wrong, but always remember, LIFE GOES ON ! ! ! !

March 1, 2012 Unsent Letters Dear -Becca-, Your my one of my best friends but I really hate you following me around and I hate it when you start meaningless drama. I love you and all but really?

Dear -Jonathan-, Ok I'm not gonna get you back soon, but eventually. And OMG not really mad but hacking my FB? WTF? Still love you.

Dear -Jaina-, After I finish "switching?" you'll probably the only person I will keep on my side besides

Becca which I will NEVER be able to "get rid of?".

Dear -Natalie-, Well, still lost for words.

Dear -EVERYBODY-, Sup? March 1, 2012 So I fucking hate the damn drama of Jasmine and Hannah and all of that. My life was so much better when I was closer to Mikaela and Avery and Diana and Mykia so I really don't know why I stopped "Being their friends" I guess, but it was probably one of the worst mistakes I ever made. So I'm done with the "Pentagon" it's retarded and it leaves people out and is a waste of damn time so Jasmine I will tell it to your face. You suck and I dont know how you have ANY friends at all since you are probably the most annoying bitch I have ever known. Be offended, as I said, I DON'T CARE. You were right Jasmine, I don't care about anything you say. I don't care if I hurt your feelings because you are the WORST thing that's ever happened to me. So yeah. Now you know how I really feel except you don't since you can't read this so ha.

Well I'm going back to how it was before and I'm so damn done with this crap. BYE BITCHES. OMG I've wanted to say that for so long now.

March 1, 2012 I will always be second best.

March 2, 2012 I really want to say this and it's really important. I'm not a mean person and I haven't always been this way.

The depressed girl you see who disses her friends and is a real bitch is the person that you've made me.

Hanging around with you made me a person who I'm really not and I'm sick of being that person. That's the person you know and are used to but if that's the person that you like and want around then too bad cause she's never coming back.

March 2, 2012 12 Signs Your Falling In Love 1. You'll read his txts or messages over and over again...

2. You'll walk really really slow while you're with him...

3. You'll pretend to be shy whenever you're with him...

4. While thinking about him...your heart will beat faster

and faster...

5. By listening to his voice...you'll smile for no reason.

6. While looking at him… you can’t see the other people around you...you can only see that person...

7. You'll start listening to SLOW songs.

8. He becomes all you think about 9. You'll get high just by their smell...

10. You'll realize that you're always smiling to yourself when you think about them..

11. You'll do anything for him...

12. While reading this, there was one person on your mind the whole time.....

Madi- Ok this is true for all except 9. I read it and went wadttt??? But all of them apply plus it's been 6 months. Soooooo, this is about Jonathan. I try so hard not to love him but it's not possible.

March 2, 2012 I'm at Kids Night and for the first time I am sad about it. Dylan's not here he's grounded. Bad boy. Haha.

For once I don't have to think about all the drama in my life since Diana and Avery and Miki and Ashlyn don't have any. But Diana trusts me again and she told me something I can't tell Miki. Haha that makes me higher then her sorry gurrl. Her secret is that she likes Jonathan but it's not a big surprise since fucking EVERYONE likes him. It's kinda getting annoying. But I won't tell anyways, but of course Jonathan has my password to here (Dickhead jk) and he will most likely get snoopy eventually and see what I write.

March 2, 2012 Last night me and my mom and my sister went to Dragon Buffet. I got a fortune cookie that said: New friends are silver, old ones are gold.

Ok, coincidence? Or fate? So lost.

My mom got a fortune that said: Only listen to cookie. All other fortune telling devices are deceiving.

Ok WTF???

March 3, 2012 Ok my plan totally backfired. I'm still their friends I guess but I don't want them to hate me. Becca will never get it and she will always be mad at me for choosing the friends that dont make me want to kill people. The real reason that I did this besides the fact that I hate myself for being the person I was for the past 6 months, is that as soon as I started hanging out with Becca and them, my other friends haven't been my friends and there are 2 specific people and if they read this they'll know who they are. Ok I did this for them. And for one of them it's gotten better but the other one. I don't think it will ever change. I will always be 2nd best to him.

March 4, 2012 Psych Best show on earth. End of story. I did not forget that I promised to watch NCIS. But I haven't had the time to so when I get time I totally will. Ok back to the actual subject. Becca will never get it and I know that but it still seems pointless to forget that we were friends and everything that happened before I decided to finish with them and forget the drama and all that

crap. I wasn't who I really am and I don't want to be the person I was. So really, I'm not coming back.

March 4, 2012 Ok, Here's the deal... Start with 100% and subtract 1% for everything that you've done.

Then repost as your __% Virgin.

1.[] Smoked weed and or cigarettes 2.[X] Drank beer/wine 3.[X]Cried when someone/something died.

4.[]Been drunk.

5.[]Had sex.

6.[X]Been to a concert.

7.[]Given/received a handjob.

8.[]Given/received a blowjob.

9.[X]Been verbally harassed

10.[X]Verbally harassed somebody 11.[]Felt someone up and/or been felt up 12.[]Laughed so hard something came out of your nose 13.[]Cheated on a boyfriend/girlfriend before.

14.[]Been cheated on by a boyfriend/girlfriend.

15.[]Been to prom.

16.[X]Cried at school.

17.[X]Gotten lost in a WalMart or a department store.

18.[]Went streaking 19.[X]Had someone of opposite sex see you naked.

20.[X]Had someone of the opposite sex in your room.

21.[X] Had someone of the opposite sex sleep over.

22.[X] Slept over at someone of the opposite sex's house.

23.[X] Kissed a stranger.

24.[X] Hugged a stranger.

25.[] Went scuba diving.

26.[] Driven a car.

27.[X] Gotten an x-ray.

28.[] Hit by a car.

29.[X] Had a party.

30.[] Done serious drugs.

31.[X] Played strip anything.

32.[] Got paid to strip for someone.

33.[X] Ran away from home.

34.[X] Broken/Sprained a bone.

35.[X] Eaten sushi.

36.[] Bought porn.

37.[] Watched porn.

38.[] Made porn.

39.[] Had a crush on someone of the same sex.

40.[X] Been in love.

41.[] Frenched kissed.

42.[X] Laughed so hard you cried.

43.[X] Cried yourself to sleep.

44.[X] Laughed yourself to sleep.

45.[] Shot a gun.

47.[X] Stabbed yourself.

46.[X] Trash talked someone and then acted like their best friend the next day.

48.[X] Watched TV for 9 consecutive hours.

49.[X] Been online for 9 consecutive hours.

50.[X] Watched an animal die.

51.[] Watched a person die.

52.[X] Kissed and/or messed around somewhere with at least 1 person present.

53.[X] Pranked somebody.

54.[] Put somebody in the hospital.

55.[X] Snuck into someone's room and/or your own room after being out.

56.[] Kissed somebody of the same sex.

57.[X] Dressed preppy.

58.[X] Dressed goth.

59.[X] Dressed punk.

60.[] Been to a motocross race.

61.[X] Avoided somebody.

62.[X] Been stalked.

63.[] Stalked someone.

64.[] Met a celebrity.

65.[X] Played an instrument.

66.[X] Ridden a horse.

67.[X] Cut yourself 68.[] Bungee jumped.

69.[X] Ding dong ditched somebody 70.[X] Been to a wild party.

71.[] Got caught stealing something.

72.[X] Kicked a guy in the balls.

73.[] Stolen a boyfriend/girlfriend from a friend 74.[X] Went out with your friend's crush.

75.[] Got arrested.

76.[] Been/gotten someone pregnant.

77.[X] Babysat.

78.[X] Been to another country.

79.[] Started your house on fire.

80.[] Had an encounter with a ghost.

81.[X] Donated your hair to cancer patients 82.[X] Been asked out by someone that you never thought you'd be asked out by.

83.[X] Cried over a member of the opposite sex.

84.[X] Had a boyfriend/girlfriend for over 3 months.

85.[] Sat on your butt all day.

86.[X] Ate a whole carton of ice cream all by yourself.

87.[X] Had a job.

88.[X] Loved someone who hates you 90.[] Danced like a whore .

91.[] Been mistaken for a celebrity.

92.[X] Been in a car accident.

93.[X] Been told you have beautiful eyes 94.[X] Been told you have beautiful hair 95.[] Raped somebody 96.[X] Danced in the rain.

97.[] Been rejected 98.[] Walked out of a restaurant without paying.

99.[X] Punched someone/slapped someone in the face.

100.[] Been raped I am 45% virgin. OK WTF? I'm not sure if thats good or bad.

March 4, 2012

Dear -Natalie-, I have a lot to say to you but I really don't know how. I'm not sure about you but when I'm around you then it's like I can feel the tension in the air.

Dear -Jasmine-, Well, I don't hate you but I hate you.

Yeah, it's complicated.

Dear -Jonathan-, Hi. Dear -Becca-, You will never get it and I'm not dissing you or anything but I'm so sick of the drama and it's not your fault but when I'm around Natalie, Jonathan, Whitney, Diana, Avery, Ashlyn, Mikaela, and Jaina I can just talk about anything and I don't have to worry about starting something. With you, your just so sensitive and you will never get it no matter how hard you may try to get it you won't.

March 6, 2012 Not the worst day of my life but close to it. I just want to sit on the roof and scream until I lose my voice.

I learned that girls are backstabbing little bitches.

Yes, it's official, I'm now full Anti-SuperBitch Club.

Haha love the name but then again, Jonathan made it up.

Well here are the members: Founder-Ashlyn Sablon 1st Member-Madison Hair 2nd Member-Avery Seeley 3rd Member-Jonathan Spence 4th Member-Diana Sanchez 5th Member-Natalie Cranmer Hopeful MembersMikaela Kesinger Mykia White Hayden Pepple -If I didn't add him, Miki would kill me <3 lol March 7, 2012 I don't even know where to start. People think they know me but they don't. They never will. I just want to give up but I can't. I keep thinking, tomorrow I'm gonna do it, tomorrow I'm gonna do it. But I just can't.

See the different me: Past Fave song

Southern Cross Fave book Warriors-Twilight-2nd series 5th book Best friends Natalie Whitney Ashlyn Fave thing to do Read Paint Present Fave song Behind the hazel eyes Fave book Breaking Dawn Best friends ?

Fave thing to do Sleep Or hope to die

March 7, 2012 It's sad to realize that your friends, aren't really your friends. When I said that I didn't mean it when I called you stupid, I meant that. And I don't purposely make fun of you or be mean to you. When I'm mean, I can't help it and I'm sorry. But today you purposely were being a jerk and I was in tears because you might not know it, but your the only person that I really care about. And it really hurt me when you said those things. You said that you would never talk to me. I'm your back-up is what I got. I'm the person that you go to when all your real friends aren't available. You know what, I'm done being that person. Bye. Don't ever talk to me again.

March 8, 2012 I can't stay mad at him. When I see him I just wanna make up.

March 9, 2012 He's making me cry. I hate him. But I can't. But I hate him. But I can't. But I hate him. But I can't.

This is complicated.

March 10, 2012 I'm so bored right now, there's nothing to do at all.

I'm watching Narnia. Awesomeness!!

March 11, 2012 To Natalie Cranmer Girl, I love you so much, but your really too "involved" with Jonathan. Not like too serious, but you do EVERYTHING with him. I NEVER used to see you, but now it's even less than never. Your ALWAYS with him so I can't talk to you. Your always facetiming and emailing and texting and you put him first and theres NOTHING wrong with that, but normal couples can live their life away from their bf or gf. Don't take this the wrong way, I love Jonathan, he's my best friend, but your almost as obsessed with him as Jasmine was (jk Jazz). I absolutely DO NOT want you to break up and I don't like him like that but I miss my old best friend and I want her back. Please don't get mad at me and don't break up with Jonathan or do anything to make your relationship worse or anything. I'm sorry, but Jonathan taught me this, the truth hurts. Love,

Madison March 11, 2012 I gave Jonathan my password cause I have his, and he hacked me and wrote on my wall -.- Really????

This is what he wrote: Loooooove you! Hacked by "jerk" bahahaha The jerk thing we were talking cause I was mad at him and called him a jerk. But we're cool now.

March 11, 2012 OMG this gurrl is f***ing hilarious and so is her dad.

And the Super Annoying Loud Girl. LOLOLOLOL. We were talking about Jonathan and she said he gets mad a lot and when he's mad he hits stuff. Her dad said "His room must look like swiss cheese." OMG We busted out laughing and we couldn't stop until like 10 minutes later. I was on FB with Jonathan at the same time, I said "Does your room look like swiss cheese?" He said "Nope" I said "Thnx" Then hes like "Why did you ask" I said "It's top secret" LOL. When we were talking about Natalie, her dads like whos natalie? Jasmine was

supposed to say shes Jonathan girlfriend. But she said "Jonathan is Natalie's girlfriend" We busted out laughing again for like another 10 minutes. We were talking about Justin Bieber and her dad said "If people hate Justin Bieber so much why don't they make him a human Bop It? You know, Pull It, Slap It, Kick It, Twist It." I said "DESTROY IT!!!!" We busted out laughing again. Justin Bieber is gonna be a human Bop It. LOLOLOL And then we were like laughing at her sister and they were playing a game and her sister kept killing her and then laughing like a hyena when she killed her.

I was just like crying it was so funny. And then they were like talking about the picture and how it shows a pic of a bald person with a green shirt. Then her dad said "Why does it say Madison Hair?" Jasmine said "Cause it's her last name" Her dads like "Haha, and the picture is a bald person" We were just cracking up I DIED LAUGHING. Her dad KILLED me. We were on for like 2 hours then she went to a sleep over but we stayed up until like 4 am but not on skype cause her dad won't let her take the PSP to her mom's. But it was so funny.

March 12, 2012 You may not see that I am jealous,

You may not feel that I'm hurt, You may not hear me cry But every time when I realize that you are falling for someone... I die...

March 14, 2012 I'm trying to make up for all the time I was in the "Becca and Hannah" club and I'm trying really hard on this but it's hard to not get sucked back into their crappy lives. There is so much going on. I don't know where to start. I'm still leaving but on the last day of school before Spring Break I'm putting a note to all the people I love saying everything I've ever wanted to say to them but didn't. When those people get back from Break, they'll open their lockers and get to read my note and all the notes are private and for the person I give them to not everyone who wants to read it. Just starting with something everybody needs to know; Don't talk to me about one of my best friends behind their backs and the EXPECT me NOT to tell them. Also, don't talk about me unless you really know me and know what the hell your talking about. Thank you. Ok so I don't want to be mean but Becca thinks the world revolves around her and can seriously only think of herself. I mean, wake up and look at the world

through other peoples eyes. I love you girl, but you need to get your act together. And I just love it how I will do something and then everyone will copy me and pretend it was such a good idea no matter what I do.

Like, I ditched Becca and Hannah, and immediately, Jasmine follows. I write letters to all the people I really need to talk to and Jasmine copies me. Jaina is doing the ditching thing to cause apparently, my idea was so great. I think it's good for me but Jaina, you've always been Becca's little puppy so I don't know how you think that's gonna work out. And I don't wanna bring this up again but, about the Natalie thing. I never see her but she finds time to see Jonathan almost every day. I'm in two classes with you and you don't talk to me ever. I have to go out of my way to talk to you. I will email you and you won't respond, but you always respond to Jonathan, and you always see him. I live in the shadows and I'm sick of it. I'm done trying to catch your attention. You can only see him.

This is for Jaina. I think you are seriously fun to be around but you are crazy sometimes, and sometimes your really serious. I love you girl. And I never wanted to disclude you or make you feel left out but I don't tell Becca and Jasmine stuff just cause. They beg and plead and try to get me to spill. I don't tell you cause

you don't really care so I can't help you with that.

Everybody, I love you but you all have serious problems.

March 14, 2012 I'm so bored and I have stuff I need to talk about to certain people, but they won't listen. Ok the only person I've let read every note, is Jaina. I'm so bored.

And IDK where to start on this so I'm just gonna think about this.

March 16, 2012 I want to fix this and I want you to stop ignoring me.

Your online and talking to him but you specifically ignore me and I'm so sick of it. I'm done, bye.

March 17, 2012 Fact When you have a crush on someone, you notice every single detail about them, no matter how small and when they do something for you, you feel so touched even if it was the most simple thing in the world.

I'm not Perfect , I make Mistakes ,

I hurt people , but when i say [[SORRY]] , I mean it..

I get jealous I get mad I get worried I get curious That's because I care ♥ !

I Like Everyone..

But I Love Only one I Live For Everyone..

But I Breathe For only one I Talk To Everyone..

But I Share everything To only one I Smile With Everyone..

But Smile Is for only one Love is a cycle ♥ When you Love, you get hurt.

When you Hurt, you hate.

When you hate, you try to forget.

When you try to forget, you start missing.

And when you start missing...

You'll eventually fall in love again ....!!

March 17, 2012 This is why I hate my life so much. Everybody hates me because I'm mean. I can't help it, and your making it worse. I have no friends right now and it's my fault and I hate myself. I can't even keep writing, this is depressing me. So bye. I hope I die tonight.

March 17, 2012 My first solution is end it. End everything. Yep, sounds good to me.

Nat- It doesn't sound good to me!!!!!!!!!!!!

Madi- It does to me.

March 17, 2012 There are no words. And I'm all out of tears.

March 18, 2012 Alright girl you better get yo act togetho fo I go and KICK it like a grassfairy would idk it popped in my head :) HEYYYYY ILYM <3

Madi- You have mental issues. And grassfairy?

Really??

March 19, 2012 I can't keep promises to everyone. I mean I can but not if it betrays my friends. I'm trying to be truthful to Natalie, but I can't if I'm trying to keep it a secret.

But of course I told Ashlyn. But only cause she told me something and that I'm also keeping from Nat. But Ashlyn shouldn't have told me in the first place! I mean, I trust people, a lot of people, but Nat is the only person it's really hard to trust. Not because she told Ashlyn something. Just because, it's hard to really talk to her. And I really want to tell her everything, but I don't know how. With Jasmine, she begs and pleads until I tell her and I know I can trust her. With Ashlyn same thing. With Jonathan, I'm just used to telling him everything. Same with Dylan. But Nat doesn't ask which I'm kinda glad. And I'm just not used to telling her stuff so I don't know what to do. Ashlyn told me something, that I can't tell Nat she told me, but I'm trying to be truthful to Natalie. And I don't know where to start with how many secrets I'm keeping.

Here are the ones I can tell her that are mine.

Yep, I still like Jonathan. I can't help it. He's him, every time I try to convince someone else I don't like him, it's more like I'm convincing myself. But, I don't want him to know that cause I treat him like I always do. I can't be mean to him cause it hurts me too. And last time I told him, he stopped talking to me. He did treat me differently even though he said he wouldn't.

And that hurt me too. He was really my best friend.

And he would just completely ignore me, and it was like he was throwing it in my face. Like he was just saying "I hate you" every time he saw me, and I don't care if certain other people say it, but he's my best friend and that hurts.

Yeah, I'm a little bit mad at you for telling Ashlyn, I didn't want her to know (no offense). But I'm not fighting with you about it. I'm not gonna hold it against you like some people (BECCA).

This is what happened to me and Becca in case you didn't know: Me and her were like sisters and it was great we were really close. But Jonathan told me one night I was really mean. And he asked me if I was only nice on FB.

Which I am nice not on FB, but only to some people.

But I am really mean now. And I figured out why.

Becca is mean to some people, she will just like sit there and kick Jonathan and Daeson and just be kinda mean. And I didn't used to do that, until I got close to Becca. It was like she was making me into her. And same for Hannah, she acts crazy. When I hung out with her, I was really annoying and I was just like her.

I don't know why I turn into the people I hang out with. The only people that know the real me I guess, is Natalie, Whitney, Ashlyn, Jasmine, and Jonathan. So what I did was, I stopped hanging out with Becca and Hannah. They thought I hated them. Which I didn't, but they were mad at me cause I started hanging out more with Ashlyn, Jasmine, Avery, Diana, Mikaela, Mykia, Quonnequa, and Jonathan. Well, now the whole "Becca and Hannah Club" (Becca, Hannah, and Jaina) hate me.

Me and Jonathan have had many fights that I accidentally started and we're not as close now, but he always makes me laugh and then I remember why we're such good friends. And I can just talk to him about random nonsense. Which sometimes I really need to just do.

April 19, 2012 Unsent Letters Dear -Becca-, I really miss having you trust me, and being able to tell you everything.

Dear -Jasmine-, You are my best friend that's a girl.

I'm so glad we put all that crap behind us. I have to see HIM. Like soon.

Dear -Jaina-, You are really fun to be around, and I'm sorry for saying you were Becca's puppy.

Dear -Jonathan-, I miss talking to you all the time, I don't know if you care, but I do. I still trust you, and you're my best friend that's a boy.

Dear -Natalie-, I don't hate your boyfriend and I'm not afraid to say it LOL. But some people do...

April 21, 2012 Unsent Letters Dear -EVERYBODY-, CUT THE CRAP AND ALL THE DRAMA. April 24, 2012

Unsent Letters Dear -Hannah-, Sometimes, I really hate you. You are a liar and a faker and you are so annoying and full of crap. But people need to stop joking you about how you "smell like cat pee" and you "don't shower" and "you have lice." You might not be able to shower and all that, and people need to realize, that even if you aren't my "friend" I'm not gonna be a bitch to you. It's not your fault the way your life is planned out. But, it is your fault the way you act so get it together, and maybe people will stop hating you.

Dear -Ashlyn/Avery-, Both of you, you are not the same people as you were at the beginning of the year.

And Ashlyn, get a life, stop obsessing over Dylan, it will never happen and if it does, I will have to pinch myself until I wake up. Also, shut up about Jonathan, it's not his fault he's more likeable than you are. Avery, really? Just really?

April 25, 2012 Unsent Letters Dear -Becca-, I need you to help me go over this list of

people so you can pick the ones you get along with best.

Dear -Jaina-, Same as Becca, help me! And, Dylan said maybe he likes you, but he wants to know if you like him.

Dear -Ashlyn-, If Dylan starts going out with Jaina, and you get mad at her, I'm on her side. You don't even need a boyfriend, nobody does. And he isn't your reason to exist. And if he is, that is sad. Get some friends that you won't pretend to be friends with, and leave me alone. Again, you can hate Jonathan, but it won't make you more popular.

Dear -Natalie-, You need to give your boyfriend a strict talking-to. He gets in trouble too much.

Dear -Jonathan-, I'm not saying it's your fault you get in trouble, so don't start talking about how it's not your fault and how teachers and people are the problem.

April 26, 2012 I just finished reading the LAST book of the ENTIRE series. Letter to Erin Hunter: You used to be my favorite author(s). Your books were

my favorite and I always used to look forward to reading the next book. But, The Last Hope, just destroyed all respect I had for you. You DESTROYED my only life I had away from the stupid school I go to, and all the crap of reality. You DESTROY Spottedleaf, give Lionblaze no hope about Cinderheart, RUIN Sandstorm, ruin Dustpelt's life by killing Ferncloud, kill ShadowClan, WindClan, and RiverClan KITS, kill Hollyleaf, give Cinderheart a destiny COMPLETELY not necessary, ruin Leafpool's, Lionblaze's, Hollyleaf's, Jayfeather's, Breezepelt's, Nightcloud's, Squirrelflight's, Brambleclaw's, and Crowfeather's life's by deciding that there HAD to be such a big "betrayal", KILL Lepardstar, and pitch kin against kin.

But most of all, the worst thing you decided was to kill Firestar. He was THE BEST character in the entire book. Killing him destroys the entire purpose of the Warriors series. This is like taking something that is the most important to someone, and just completely DEMOLISH it. I officially HATE Warriors. And now, you decide to make a series about DOGS. WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Like a series about stupid freakin dogs can replace the Warriors. Thanks a lot.

April 26, 2012

I'm tired of people telling me what to do, and trying to live up to everyone's expectations, fuck off! This is my life, not yours. Don't worry about what I do...

April 27, 2012 Unsent Letters Dear -Jonathan-, I'm not mad at you, and I don't hate you. You don't really annoy me, like at all. I will miss you, I will miss you most of all. Your still my bestfriend no matter what you think.

May 1, 2012 Unsent Letters Dear -Jasmine-, I think in my opinion, you are really immature. You take things to an extreme level on idiocy, and in being retarded. I agree with Ashlyn, it seems like you try to be an idiot, and you try to make your friends hate you. Get a life and grow up. Really Dear -Becca-, I'm worried that now I'm "back in" with the "club" that never really existed. But I like being by your side and being there for you and Jaina since you guys are pretty much my best friends again since

Jasmine started being "her normal self".

Dear -Jaina-, I think you look normal with braces.

Sorry for pressuring you into showing me your braces, but I didn't think it was such a big deal. It's not like your real friends would make fun of you for getting them. Sorry your mouth hurts:( Dear -Dylan C.-, We're back to being friends like last year. I really miss last year, and Mrs. Van Orden.

Despite what people from other elementary schools say, Sheep Harney rocks and I'm glad I went there or I wouldn't have met you and Whitney.

May 2, 2012 Unsent Letters Dear -Becca-, Never going out with him. Just not gonna happen. YOU ARE NOT GETTING WRITTEN UP AND I WILL SEE YOU TOMORROW! May 2, 2012 Unsent Letters 4th Period Class Edition

Boys Dear -Sean-, You're very quiet, and smart, and you sit beside me in 3rd period.

Dear -Austin-, You're normally very quiet, but after sitting next to you for like 2 months, I know you're not what people think. You're really funny, and sometimes really stupid, but you're in AIG so you must have some smarts in that head.

Dear -Isaiah-, Sorry for at the beginning of the year, for calling you stupid, and retarded. You're really not, but I just didn't know that then.

Dear -Dylan C.-, Me and you have been really good friends since 5th grade, and you TALK a LOT. You're really funny and fun to be around and I wish you would sit next to Tristan in 7th period cause it's boring when you're not there.

Dear -Tristan D.-, You're SUPER FREAKIN SMART and you read a LOT. You sit kinda across from me in 1st and 7th period.

Dear -Sharod-, You are very LOUD, and you're always making Mykia laugh so hard. I only have one class with you and that's fine I don't know you that well.

Dear -De'Shaun-, You're really annoying and it was hilarious when Jasmine made you cry. LOL Dear -Tristan G.-, You sat in front of me in the beginning of the year, and then when Mr. Wallace came, you sat NEXT to me. You're always singing about talking tomatoes? WTF? Dear -Daeson-, I'm so glad we're done fighting cause I hate it when I fight with people. Your laugh, is normally funnier than the joke your laughing at. LOL Dear -Adam-, You creep me out. End of story. STOP STARING AT ME! Dear -Matthew-, I want you to help me on the project, and I know you want to, but I don't know what you can do and I don't know if I can trust you to help.

Dear -Jonathan-, IDK why we keep having fights, but it's getting on my nerves how every conversation I have with you is me saying sorry or you saying sorry.

Dear -Kylek-, You need pills.

Dear -Caleb-, You're really smart with a computer.

And, you made your own website for video games.

Girls Dear -Bailey-, You need a life, and you really need to stop talking about people. And you need a breath mint.

Dear -Jasmine-, You're right, I really don't care.

Leave me alone.

Dear -Mikaela-, You are super flexible and your hair is really pretty and I think it's cuter when it's cut like it is now.

Dear -Jaina-, You are so freakin fun to be around, and when your being serious, I know not to mess with you.

Dear -Quonnequa-, When you cuss, it is so funny! And you dance on the benches outside and it's very amusing.

You seriously hate Mr. Wallace.

Dear -Hannah-, You need to stop talking to Jasmine.

End of story.

Dear -Becca-, You will not get written up and I will bet you $10 that you won't get written up in your entire time at ECMS. And Jasmine was right, your pigtails make you look innocent. LOL Dear -Ashlyn-, You're never gonna have Dylan. Not trying to be harsh, just speaking the truth.

Dear -Avery-, I hope you're OK. I hope you come back tomorrow.

Dear -Diana-, You are awesome, and I GET TO BRAID YOUR HAIR ON FRIDAY! YAY! Dear -Mykia-, You're really good friends with like everybody. Forreal.

May 3, 2012 Just spent like 3 and a half hours outside with Jakob, Sebastian, Kayla, Le'an, Robbie, Kalysta, and Nichellion.

It was so funny. They pulled a freaking stop sign out of the ground WTF? They were throwing knives.

They tried to climb a tree but failed, I tried too, and failed. You had to be there to know what happened.

May 7, 2012 Unsent Letters Dear -Jaina-, Can you tell me what happens in Catching Fire and Mockingjay cause I'm probably not going to read the books sorry Dear -Becca-, Speak yo mind girly. It is a free country

we have freedom of speech wether it's to someones face or not.

Dear -Dylan C.-, Dude cut it with the sound effects.

They sound wrong.

Dear -Daeson-, SHUT UP! You can't make me do anything.

Dear -Hannah-, Stop talking about unmentionable things. NOBODY WANTS OR NEEDS TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR "GIRL PROBLEMS"!

Dear -Jasmine-, We made up I think, but you don't know about the plan.

May 8, 2012 Unsent Letters Dear -Natalie and Jonathan-, You don't know how much it hurts when you ignore me. I wish we were as close as before, but I don't know what I did to make you both hate me so much. You were both my two best friends, and now, I try to avoid you as much as possible. For one of you, it's pretty hard to ignore, but I try. For the other, don't worry, right now I won't forget this.

No matter how much I want my best friends back, it

won't happen. Wether it's your choice or mine, I've tried so many times but you both still act the same and you don't know how much that hurts to have my two old best friends ignore me and hate me.

Dear -Becca-, You and Jaina are my two best friends now, and even if I want back my old friends, they will never replace you guys(: Dear -Boys-, No matter how much I might like someone, I'm never putting you before my friends.

Dear -Jaina-, WHAT YO EMAIL GIRL? May 9, 2012 Unsent Letters Dear -Friends-, STOP THE DRAMA OR IM DONE. AND IF YOU KNOW ME, I CAN STICK WITH IT. Well, this is retarded. And everybody, I might start drama, but I don't hold a grudge, I don't lie, I don't talk behind someones back without them knowing I hate them or that I don't care if they care, I'm not a faker. I don't make up who I am. I chose who I want to be and I am my own person. And as for everybody who jokes me and calls me out to make fun of me, just

so you know, it makes you look stupid cause I don't care and if I wasn't in a room with a teacher, I would beat your ass and then cuss you out, for being so immature. Oh and Adam, trip me again, and you might end up with your face slammed inside a locker. And call me mean, but you don't know the real me so shut up, get a life, and stop picking on people just cause it boosts your self esteem. Nobody needs to know that your a baby.

May 11, 2012 Unsent Letters Dear -Friends, and old friends-, No matter if your an old friend or a new friend you are just as important to me. And I might not say it a lot, but I cherish every moment with you. Wether it's with drama or without.

Thought I very much prefer without(: Dear -Natalie-, I'm sorry for what your about to find out in the morning (It's 10:16 pm, May 10, 2012). I'm about to put a note in your band locker and hope that you don't tell anybody about whats on it. I'm sorry.

May 11, 2012

Secrets I am Keeping/Mine Mine I am not Natalie Cranmer's friend I still like someone I used to like in 5th grade I wish things didn't change. I wish I was still Jonathan's best friend, I wish me and Jasmine were still tight, I wish Natalie was in my confidentiality, I wish me and Ashlyn still hung out at each others house, I wish I still trusted Hannah, I wish Mikaela and Mykia were still my friends. But most of all, I wish I was still Natalie's friend.

Keeping Becca likes a person that nobody know she likes Diana told me she likes a person a long time ago and I don't know if she still does Avery told me something she shouldn't have Rashay is going out with Caleb Trueblood Malia went out with Matthew and broke up, still likes him and also her best friend Kalysta likes him too, but

Matthew likes Kalysta Jasmine likes Matt Hannah went out with her cousin Bailey likes Nick. (Didn't tell, just it's obvious) Jahnecia likes DJ Jahnecia seriously wants to beat up Hannah, and Da'Cia is on her side.

May 11, 2012 Unsent Letters Dear -Natalie-, I wish you were who I thought you were.

Dear -Old friends-, Sorry, but I don't hate you.

May 13, 2012 There are only a few people I cherish in my life. And in this year, I've lost them all.

Natalie, I miss you so much and I feel so bad about the things I said. When I'm upset I say things I really mean or I don't mean. And I'm just so sorry and I've

lost you, and I will never get you back. But, I just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry.

Jonathan, I don't know what happened, but we were best friends, and now you almost hate me. I don't care if other people hate me, but you, it really hurts.

Diana, I don't know if I lost you, but I hope I don't.

Whitney, I really think that we're doing good. But, once somebody tells you what I said to Natalie, you'll hate me too.

Mikaela, we used to be good friends before at the beginning of the school year, but now I don't think you consider me your friend.

May 14, 2012 Last day of school, I'm going to kill myself. And there's nothing to stop me. I lost my best friends, and I don't care anymore. I don't have a will to do anything. I give up. Hate me, it kills me more. Talk about me, it fuels my will to kill myself. I don't care.

Don't change. Let me die. I know that nobody cares if I never existed. I wish I was never born. I wish my parents were never born. I wish I could take a knife

and put it straight through my heart. It's already broken. And I bet it doesn't hurt as much as losing everybody I love. That's right. I love Natalie and Jonathan so much that I would rather kill myself then live without them. I wish I never left Florida. I wish I never left Hawaii. I wish I never left my mom's stupid boyfriend. I fucking hate this world. I fucking hate my life. No matter how much Jonathan and Natalie hate me, I will NEVER hate them.

May 15, 2012 I live in a world where people don't have common sense, and the smartest people can't use logic. That's normally the problem with most people. For me, I don't know when it is the right time to say what things. I will seem mad because I say the wrong thing. Usually I'm just sad and confused. All day today I was trying not to cry. But now that I'm alone I've been crying since the minute I got off the bus. I want people to forgive and forget. But the things I do leave wounds. And nobody seems to forget that.

There is one thing above all things that I really want. I want Natalie and Jonathan to forgive me and be my best friends again.

But they have to keep reminding me that it will NEVER happen.

Every time we act like we're friends, I think they're over it and we can start over. Then, the next day, back to square one. Nobody forgot, and nobody will forgive.

They break my heart over and over again. And when I think it's healing, they break it again.

I might bring it on myself, but I don't try to.

The two best friends I have ever had, hate me. And it's my fault, and there's nothing I can do about it.

When am I going to stop trying? Right now I GIVE UP! Forgive me or not, I'm done trying. I try so hard every day not to loose my best friends even more, but I guess they're done too.

Now that they're gone, I have no reason to go on caring, or feeling, or thinking, or breathing.

I don't know why they hate me, but now I hate me too.

I'm sorry for trying.

I'm sorry for thinking that if I changed things would

change.

I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry

for blaming Natalie. for living. for making everybody's life's a living hell. you have to meet me. for being born. for loving my friends.

May 16, 2012 Jasmine likes Matt.

Becca likes Dylan.

Avery likes Chris.

Hannah likes Isaiah.

Hayden is flirting with other girls and Mikaela is sad and mad at him.

Brittany is dating Andrew.

Jasmine might be moving to Arizona.

Becca practically stalks Dylan.

Whitney likes Nick.

May 18, 2012 Today I was really happy cause Jonathan wasn't being mean to me all day. And 7th period, he said he loves two people in the room and he said it was Mikaela and me. He is the nicest boy I have ever met. He forgave me, even when I didn't deserve it. But I'm sorry for the whole Natalie thing, we just don't get along that often. Well, 7th period, we painted Jonathan's nails.

It was so awesome that I got to hang out with Miki and Jon again. I really missed them. Especially Miki. And Jonathan. LOL. Well, I don't think I like Jonathan again. I do love him, but not that way. I love Mikeala too. And Diana. I like someone else but I think really I've liked him for a long time, I just haven't noticed it.

I'm not gonna say who, but I think I do. And I used to judge him for little things and he didn't deserve it.

Well, just to say, I didn't mean it, and I'm sorry.

May 19, 2012 Dear -Mikaela-, You and I used to be really great friends, and we are again. Do you remember at the beginning of the year, we would walk the halls together, and people would ask us "Are you sisters?" I thought that was really cool, and I really like being your friend

again.

Dear -Diana-, I'm soooooooooo glad we're still friends, and have been for a while. I'm also sooooooo glad that you get to sit with me in Math! Otherwise I would hate Math since Jonathan doesn't sit in front of me anymore.

Dear -Jonathan-, You know I could never hate you right? I can never hurt you. And if I do, it wasn't intentional. I really missed being your friend. I love hanging out with you again, but you don't have to kick Miki every time you see her.

Dear -Natalie-, You seem to have just as much drama as I used to have. WOW! Surprise. And I thought my friends were jacked up. LOL May 20, 2012 I miss last year. 6th Grade sucks so much. I'm dreading EOGs because I know that I can't do anything in Math anymore and I WILL fail.

I remember last year, at the beginning of the year, Mrs. Van Orden made Kelly show me everything about the school. I sat with her in class, I sat with her at

lunch, I hung out with her at recess. She was my friend. Then, our class was in PE, and Whitney came up to me, and it was still when I didn't know who anybody was, so I didn't know who Whitney was that well, and she said "You know Kelly's using you. She's just your friend cause your new and she wants you in her gang.

Also, you bring money to school for lunch, and she knows your lunch number. She's been using you this whole time.". I was done with her after that. I asked Mrs. Van Orden to change my seat. So then I sat next to Whitney. And in Science, I sat with her and Dylan.

A little while later, I got close to Ashlyn, and me and her sat together. After that, Mrs. Van Orden assigned me, Whitney, Ashlyn, and Natalie to sit together at one table at the back of the class. Then, I got to know Natalie. And ever since I've sorta been her friend.

We all sat together at lunch, went to recess together, and pretty much told each other everything. A little while after we started sitting together, I found out about Dylan and Natalie. At first when I asked what was going on between them, nobody would tell me, but I kinda guessed. So then on, we were all best friends.

Last year I was really sensitive. I cried a lot. Before I got Mrs. Van Orden to switch my seat away from Kelly, me and her got into a lot of fights. And a lot of the

time, I was afraid to cuss or anything. So usually she ended up making me cry a lot. At the end of the year, Kelly sat in front of me again. She was cheating off of me in the EOGs. And I never said anything. But once she got her scores back, I knew she didn't deserve it.

I told Mrs. Van Orden, but she didn't believe me. I was just miserable for the whole day. As soon as Kelly figured out I snitched on her, she and her black girl gang were threatening me in the bathroom. She said a lot of things that if I repeat I will start crying again.

So I was crying in the bathroom, and Natalie came in.

She was in the bathroom with me by the window and we were talking and I told her a lot of things. About Kelly, about her cheating, about how Kelly used to do stupid things, and when I would walk by her, she and her gang would start laughing and Kelly would say "Beep beep beep! Loser alert!" After that, Whitney came in, and me and Natalie and Whitney were closer than I was with Ashlyn.

I remember when we were skipping class and we were hanging out in the bathroom, (Yes, we hung out in the bathroom a LOT) we were talking about the legend of Ricky. And then Natalie turns around and we see her mouth open and we look and there's a head coming up the window, and we're on the 3rd floor so nobody's

just walking by. It was freaky.

I remember when Natalie and Whitney convinced me to do cheerleading with them. We went to every practice before tryouts, and we hung out a lot. Then, after tryouts, they called everybody who either made the team or got in as a substitute for games, and we were all sitting in the practice room holding hands and we were all really scared and Whitney said "I know we got in. I know we got in." Then, they said we were all on the team. We were standing in there dancing. They announced over the intercom who the new Sheep Harney cheerleaders were, and everybody came up to us and congratulated us.

Once we were on the team, my mom didn't have a car so Natalie and me went to games and competition together with Natalie's mom. Courtney always came with too. Every time we went to a game, we played Stuck Like Glue by Sugarland. It was kinda like a good luck song. We would sing it in her car, and Natalie and Courtney had moves to it. I remember learning them, but I can't remember them now. That was back when I like Cody. So when Cody went with us, I never talked or anything. He would sing with us too. I got to know him more, and Natalie and Courtney. I spent the night

at Natalie's house a lot, and Courtney would come too.

We would go on her trampoline and on her tire swing, and we would play-fight with Cody and his little brother and then with Cameron too. It was winter so I froze me feet all the time on her trampoline.

When I went to Natalie's house, we played a game with Courtney and Kennedy that was Courtney was the mom and me and Natalie were sisters, Kennedy was the little sister and we had a lot of fun pretending and being "mean" to Courtney when she used her mom voice. I used to take Kennedy's arms, and Courtney would take her feet and we would swing her around.

After EOGs, me, Natalie, Kennedy, and Holly went to the beach when they had re-testing. I remember holding Kennedy walking into the water and she said "I wish you were my big sister too." And I said to her "I'm not your sister, but I wish I was too." Me and Natalie would take turns pulling Holly and Kennedy with the boogie-boards. I remember Natalie tried to get me to pull her, and the string broke. We were laughing like crazy and pretending to her mom that nothing happened. We went in the water and Natalie would keep holding on to me cause we saw little fish. Ok lemme explain, she said when I asked her about the

little fish "Little fish mean big fish, big fish mean sharks, sharks mean no more Natalie." I was swimming and I almost drowned laughing so hard with Natalie on my arm.

I remember the talent show, she would come to my studio all the time to practice our routine for our hullahoop thing. I went to Natalie's house all the time too to practice and to make our tie-dye shirts for our performance. When the talent show came up, we (Me, Malia, and Whitney) went to Natalie's house to get ready. I did both Natalie and Whitney's hair in braids, and Natalie painted our nails neon-green. Mrs. Christi did our makeup, and we all got ready to leave. At the time, Ashlyn was mad at us because me and Natalie went to the beach together and wouldn't let her come too. So, Natalie and Whitney did their song, Mississippi Girl by Faith Hill, and then we got ready for our hulla-hoop thing. We did awesome. Our music to the routine was Dynamite by Taio Cruz. We rocked!

For Malia's birthday, Natalie, Whitney, Courtney, Alexis, Emily, Amanda, and Kalysta spent the night at our house. We (Me, Natalie, Courtney, Whitney, and Kalysta) were gonna pull a prank on Malia and put frosting and sprinkles on her face while she was

sleeping. But Malia didn't go to sleep, and she ended up being all sad that we were going to do that to her, so at 3:00 am, we all had ice cream, and cake, and pizza to make Malia feel better. We totally wrecked the house, but my mom didn't care.

A little while after Natalie got back from Mississippi, we (Me, Natalie, and Ashlyn) went to the beach for me and Ashlyn's birthdays. Whitney was at Lake Ghasten with her boyfriend. So, we went to the beach and hung out a looooong time. We saw dolphins, almost drowned (Don't ask), and then for my first time, we ate at McDonalds.

After graduation, Ashlyn threw us girls a spa day. I rode the bus home with Ashlyn. Caroline, Ashlyn, Natalie, Whitney, and me were all there. We got our nails done really cool looking. Caroline was about to move, so we wanted to hang out as much as possible.

For Natalie's graduation thing, we (Me, Whitney, Ashlyn, Courtney, Malia, and Alexis) spent the night at Natalie's house and we made friendship bracelets and did truth or dare. Courtney had to do the chicken dance on the street in front of everybody, Natalie had to wear her mom's bra over her shirt and walk around outside waving at cars. Whitney had to kiss Logan, and

Ashlyn had to wear her hair really stupid, and act like a retard. We had so much fun.

I went to Caroline's and Ashlyn's swim meets a lot and watched them swimming and hung out with them at the YMCA. After that, when my mom went on a lot of trips to see concerts, I stayed with Ashlyn. Once, first I spent like a week with Ashlyn, then we both went to Natalie's house and I had the rats and we were having so much fun with them inside of Kennedy's little barbie car.

I hung out with Natalie and Courtney at the Christmas parade, and we painted pictures of crappy little christmas ornaments (No offense guys), and we saw the first snow of the season right in front of the studio.

I can't believe that after all that, me and Natalie aren't still best friends. I miss her so much, I miss hanging out, doing nothing, or doing all the crazy stuff her mom plans (No offense again). I feel like she isn't my friend whenever I hear from other people "I was at her house this weekend" or "We went to the movies together." There was a time when Natalie would never leave out me and Ashlyn. I don't know what happened.

I'm not blaming anyone. I'm just sorry that we aren't

still best friends.

May 20, 2012 Today was the potato festival. I went out to pass out flyers for Serenity Studio Arts, and saw a lot of people from school. All of them said "Hi" to me except Natalie. And I know she saw me. I saw Carrie, Shelby, Mykia, Ali, Maggie, Mikaela, Kim, Courtney, Kayla, Jacob, Robbie, Robbie Craddock, Tristen, Heather, Ty'Mira, Quonnequa, Isaiah, Steven, Maddie, Colby, Jonathan, Eric, and Jordan. I hung out with Shelby all day pretty much. We went to the waterfront to watch SLC perform, but we were too late. So we walked around and looked at stuff. We saw Isaiah by the bounce houses with Colby. We went back in time to get soaked by the water balloons. We were running around and dancing when Natalie showed up. She made it a little more not-fun. I mean no offense, but when Natalie was there everybody was trying to get her attention. Kim came up and was really annoying and was all up in Natalie's face. Me and Shelby were just having fun and then Natalie showed up and everything kinda got awkward. Shelby isn't exactly Natalie's friend. They've had some bad times. But Shelby, unlike me, doesn't want to offend Natalie and tell her

how she really feels about her. So, they did some stupid belly dancing thing, and they made us go up and dance. LORD! I felt so stupid. Me, Shelby, Courtney, and Malia had to go up there and dance. URG! And with all the people watching, omg. So after that, Shelby had to check with her mom, and I went with her. As soon as we came back, Jonathan, Natalie, and Courtney left. So me and Shelby wandered around for another 2 hours or so. We went to her mom's setup.

She gave us some flyers. We went around and handed a couple to people we know. I gave one to Jacob, and then he tried to put it down my shirt. Not cool. So me, Shelby, and Jacob went around handing out the flyers.

Jacob was winning the game. We were trying to see who could hand out the most flyers to strangers, since we're all really shy about that kinda thing. Well, we played the t-shirt game. Girls yell out the color of a cute boys shirt loud enough for the person to hear, and boys do the same with girls shirts. Shelby yells "Green shirt!" I'm looking around and the only boys wearing green shirts are butt ugly. Then I look over my shoulder and Jacob's wearing a green shirt. I looked at Shelby and I'm shaking my head. She's like just laughing her head off cause he has no idea it's him.

When he left, Shelby said "Dude, if I was with him, I

would not let him go. Just like oh my god he is so hot."

I'm thinking "Lord Shelby, he's like one of my best friends. And he's in like 10th grade". She said I could tell him it was him, so Monday morning I'm gonna tell him at the bus stop. Well, peace out.

May 23, 2012 In case anybody's wondering, this is how I feel about you.

Best Friends Mikaela, when your hanging out with Diana, you and her always ignore me, but I guess I haven't always been the best friend to you guys.

Diana, even though I like don't talk to you that much, you understand me and we're good friends.

Jonathan, I feel hatred for my friends when they make fun of you and they're being bitchy. I beat myself up whenever I say something wrong to you and make you mad. I really care about you, and whenever I see the anger in your eyes, it makes me mad about whatever made you mad. Even though I told you that I don't care what people think of me, I really don't but I

can feel the words, and I think that you do too. I can see it in your eyes whenever you get mad, or upset and it makes me feel bad because it's my friends doing it, and I never do anything to stop them, and I'm just really sorry.

Becca, if you ever need to tell someone something, don't trust the other girls, they aren't trustworthy, believe me. You can always trust me, and I will always try to do what I think is best for you. I understand people, so when you don't want me to do something, I know that and I can usually guess why. I've liked Dylan since the 5th grade, and I still do, but that would never make me do anything to jeopardize our friendship, or your relationship.

May 24, 2012 Quotes I like: "The best thing about a picture, is that it never changes, even when the people in it do." ~Andy Warhol Stop the world I wanna get off.

I'm tired of trying, sick of crying, I know I've been

smiling, but inside I'm dying.

It seems to me that the harder I try the harder I fall.

The deepest people are the ones who've been hurt the most.

I'm multi-talented: I can walk, talk, and piss you off at the same time.

Nothing can stop me now because I don't care anymore.

I'm only me. That is all I can be. No more, no less, don't second guess. I love, I live, I laugh, I cry. I've wished sometimes that I could die. Some days I'm funny, other days I'm not, sometimes I'm on overdrive and I can't stop. You may not like me, but that's okay because this is me and it's how I'll stay.

Reinventing the wheel to run myself over.

May 27, 2012 Today was I guess Day 3 of being stuck in a house with nobody to talk to but my lame sister. Yeah, be offended Malia. I tried to get pretty much anybody to talk to me on Facebook, or email, or just texting. I was talking to Shelby, and Becca the whole time. I guess I

know who doesn't think I'm annoying(: Well, I stayed up until like 2 a.m. so I woke up around 10:00 a.m. so I checked my email, Facebook, and iPod. I had one email.

From Natalie. FROM FREAKING 7 A.M.! How in the heck do you get up so early? Cause I doubt you went to sleep early. So, I woke up, fed Jasper and Curly, and then took a shower. After I sorta half got dressed, flipping Shell and Kalysta knock on the door. Malia's still sleeping, and I'm half dressed. I'm thinking WTF?! So they come in, we play with the babies for a little bit, then we go to see Max. Other Malia's guinea pig. We walked with Shell and Kalysta to Other Malia's house, then played with Max a bit. We were playing around and singing like idiots while running around in the middle of the street. So Shell is like "Let's go bug Jacob!" OMG Shell, you're so obsessed with him not trying to be rude or anything. But, I convince her not to bug Jacob. So we walk back to my house, and we make some lemonade and ice tea. I walk into the kitchen, and Shell is on my laptop looking through my Facebook messages with Jonathan. Snoopy much? It's just kinda weird for people to read my messages with him. I mean, with anybody else I wouldn't care. Just with Jonathan, I say a lot of things that other people don't need to know. Shell is on there writing on

Jacob's wall as me cause she doesn't have a Facebook.

Then, her and Kalysta have to leave. So me and Malia are left to be lonely and bored. I check my texts.

Shelby sends me "I'm gonna kill myself soon."

So I sent her "No your not."

And she says "How do you know?"

I say "Cause if you kill yourself, I'm gonna kill myself. And I don't feel like killing myself."

She sends (; After that, I'm really bored. So I text Becca for a bit.

She says "My brother just said dick, and I almost fell off my

seat laughing."

I send her "Your sitting in a car, I don't think you can fall out of your seat."

She says "Oh shut up."

I have to go cause I'm on my sister's iPod, so I tell her bye.

I'm really bored now. So I tell Malia we should go to hooker park. We walk up there, get lost half way, then figure it out. We took videos of us singing while acting stupid and going down the slides. There's one video where Malia is wearing her booty shorts, and you can hear her butt squeek on the plastic slide and she gets stuck. LOL moment Then we take some videos of us doing cartwheels. I think every one she took, has a close up of my boob.

Really? You are so weird Malia. Well, just got home from the park, now writing this, and being bored again.

Urg. Boredom. The Silent Killer. Along with high blood pressure(:

Well, today stuff, listening to Are You Gonna Kiss Me or Not by Thompson Square. Watching some weird show on ion television. Kk, well, bye, gonna go check my email again. Wish me luck, maybe someone decided to be online(: May 28, 2012 Unsent Letters Dear -Natalie-, I tried to get us back on the whole friendship route, but I can't if you have to do stuff whenever I try to plan something with you!

Dear -Whitney-, DUDE! OMG you passed your EOGs!!!!!

I am so proud of you! No more scissors(: Dear -Shelby-, Hey, don't kill yourself. Too many people love you. Don't even think about second thoughts.

Dear -Jonathan-, Can you please tell me if I'm bugging you when I message you? I have a very... Let's say "creative" mind and I will think of the most bizarre reasons that you said bye.

Dear -Ashlyn-, It's not my fault you annoy me sometimes. Or that we don't talk or laugh with each

other anymore.

May 31, 2012 Mr. Wallace~1st Period~Social Studies Well, on Friday, we (1st, 2nd. 3rd, and 4th period) have a country project due. Mine is almost done, but I still need to color and trace my map and flag. I have to sit next to Kylek, but Becca is one row behind me, so it's all good. But, Addrianna is next to her. Suckish.

Mrs. Elmore~2nd Period~Science We're not doing anything, but I think some of the other periods still have to finish their "Olympic" sheets. This project was only fun because I was in a group with people I got a long with. Mikaela was our group leader, and the rest of the group was, Avery, Diana, and Austin.

Mrs. Brothers~3rd Period~Math Mrs. Brothers keeps giving the class logic problems and stuff. MY BRAIN DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY! But, I get to sit next to Diana and near Jonathan and Jasiya. So awesome!

Mr. Everett~4th Period~Communication Skills Well, me and Mikaela found out that Mr. Everett only makes the other classes do work. Our class, he let's us make deals, so we just have Hannah do the work, and when she's done, we all get to do whatever we want.

Thanks Hannah! Also, I think being the AIG class helps a bit.

Mrs. Peterson~5th Period~Keyboarding I'm pretty much done with like all the assignments, but Mrs. Peterson never runs out! It's kind of annoying actually. I also have EVERY class with Matthew, even band. So I'm stuck with him ALL day.

Mr. Simmons~6th Period~Band In band, I don't have any reeds, so I need to get some.

I sit between Chase and Trey, and Chase is uber annoying, and Trey doesn't talk. But Becca is in front of me, and we usually find a way to talk to each other in class.

Mr. Wallace~7th Period~AR...Kinda Well, we finally got Mr. Wallace to loosen up on 7th period. But, we still have to sit in our assigned seats.

So, Jonathan is always shouting across the classroom to Mikaela, mostly just to annoy Mr. Wallace. All we do in 7th period is make Mr. Wallace mad, and disobey his "rules". Along with yelling, screaming, shouting, laughing, running (with spoons:), reading over my shoulder while I'm on the computer (TRISTAN G.), messing around, painting Jonathan's nails, reading inappropriate magazines from Jaina's brother, talking, ME HAVING TO EXPLAIN LOGIC TO A TEACHER, people calling me a psychologist, cussing out Addrianna, me making people's collages for school (Mikaela, Becca, Diana, and Jonathan), playing The Word Game across classroom (You say a word, then the other person says the first word they think of. Ex. Diana says "Hayden" Mikaela says "Six pack" LOL), playing rock paper scissors across classroom (Jonathan, Hannah, me, Mikaela, Becca), talking during the EOGs, watching Curious George, Clifford The Big Red Dog, Wild Krats, Word World, and The Electric Company, eating in class, putting notes in peoples lockers (Dylan and Becca:), buying candy bars from Jasmine's locker, JONATHAN SCARING THE FREAK OUT OF ME, staying at our lockers after EVERYONE else's classes go inside the classroom, throwing stuff down the back of the hallway (Jonathan!), and pretending to read in class, while

really texting (Jonathan, Mikaela, Daeson, Kylek), or just plain out passing notes and talking.

Well, this is mostly what we do in class everyday, every week.

June 2, 2012 I'm not exactly mad but, I mean I am. All of my friends, Natalie, Jonathan, Becca, Dylan, Shelby, Jacob, and a lot of others, are like getting together, and then leaving me behind. These are things I really hate, and that really bug me and just make me sad.

Becca is always talking about Dylan and nobody cares!

Her and Jaina get whatever they want and they always show off about it. There are a lot of ways to be subtle.

But they suck.

Natalie is always stealing attention, when in my opinion, when she acts like a retard, it really is stupid like a retard. But everybody thinks it's so cool, and it's not.

Her and Jonathan are always talking and couples need time away from their stupid boyfriends or girlfriends.

I'm just so sick of it. OPEN YOUR DAMN EYES AND TAKE A LOAD OF THE CRAP THAT YOU ALWAYS FUSS OVER.

Shelby and Jacob are gonna start going out, I know it.

And it will make it so that ALL of my friends are together and I'm left out of everything.

June 2, 2012 I feel a lot better, now that I know that Diana feels the same about Jonathan. Not just liking him, but the being confused, cause we're really good friends. And it just really hurts when he talks to Natalie, and ignores me, when not long ago we were each others worlds.

It's like, when Jonathan makes a joke, and it's not that funny, I can't help laughing, because it's him who says it. I can't help liking him so much. He's just, Jonathan. But, whenever my friends are mean to him, and Becca pinches him, and they joke him, I never know what to say. When he's sad it makes me want to cry.

It makes me want to do whatever I can to make him feel better. When he's mad, I want to kill the person that made him that way just as much as he would.

Whenever I'm sad, he's one of the only people that can make me laugh, especially when I don't want to. And when I get mad at him, I do or say something stupid, and then he says like "Well fuck you too" And it makes me want to take it back, I beat myself up about it,

because I cannot stand it when he's upset. It's so complicated, liking him. I don't want to like him, because he knows I liked him, and I think he knows I still do. But I can't help it. It makes me so mad that I can't get over him. There was a time when I was over him, but that was when we weren't speaking at all.

Now, all the things I said, make me so mad at myself.

It's just so confusing. When I'm at school, the thing that brightens my day is seeing his face, and hearing him laugh. Today, he wasn't there in 7th period. And I just felt like sitting there and crying and it made it worse I couldn't see him, or hear his voice. I don't even care that if he was in the room, he wouldn't care.

Just I wanted to hear him laugh, to see him smile, to hear his voice scorning the teacher, just to be in the same room. To have him acknowledge the fact I was there. I just had such a bad day, and then it got worse cause all of the people in the room were people I didn't like at all. Except for Diana and Mikaela. And I wanted to tell them why I was crying, and why I wouldn't talk.

But I couldn't. I just couldn't find the words. It just seems so stupid, but I can't help it. But that's not why I was sad that day. I just don't want to talk about it.

This just made at worse.

June 6, 2012 How am I thinking, what I'm thinking?

How is it, that I'm me, and not someone else?

How do people know anything about other people?

What if I'm the only person who can't do something?

How do you know who's different and who's not?

How are people not just all the same? It seems easier to have everyone the same.

How do we have intelligence, but not enough to cure cancer?

How is it that we have cures for things?

How did we come to decide we wanted cures?

How did we decide that we needed more people?

Why do people keep making new electronic things, when we can't even get to the point where the world isn't dying?

Why is gas so expensive now? Why don't we just bust cars forever?

How is it that we have no other planets with life?

If the president weren't such an ass, the United States might 1. Be able to find a better less embarrassing name. 2. Find life on another planet. 3.

Keep up our NASA program. 4. Discover a planet with life conditions for human kind.

Can animals of the same species, speak different languages?

But still speak the language of their species?

Do animals of the same species have accents when they live in another country for a while?

Can animals understand everything we say, but chose not to obey us?

Can they read our minds?

Can they telepathically send us messages that we're just too stupid to receive?

Are we hearing they're messages, but not knowing it's theirs?

Do animals have the intelligence to cure cancer?

How will we ever know anything if we can't

communicate?

Why do we spend money and time on this when instead we can stop our planet from dying?

June 7, 2012 If I was famous, I would give all my money to...

AHAHAHAHAHA WHO AM I KIDDING? I WILL NEVER BE FAMOUS. If we ever travel millions of light years to another planet, and we find out that it has intelligent life, let's just make circle patterns in their crops and leave.

Would the opposite of The Naked Brothers Band be The Clothed Sisters Club?

Please come in, have a seat. Hows your mother?

My-diary has just passed Facebook as my most visited site, I'M FREE MOTHERFUCKERS! Cop "How high are you?" Me "No officer, it's 'Hi how are you?'."

If we gave all blind people mops, the streets would be much cleaner.

If you were a break dancer, would the past tense of break dancing be broke dancing? "Hey man I just broke danced at this club."

MATURE ADULT CONVERSATION. JK. I'm all for the right to bare arms, and to arm bears. *le PEW PEW PEW June! Gee I hope I don't die of heat stroke.

If you think about it, cigarettes are just like hamsters.

Perfectly harmless until you light it on fire and put it in your mouth.

I hope you stub your toe on your personality.

The accidental conversation loop. "Hey, happy birthday!" -"You too!"

So there is this drug called Ibuprofen. (I-BE-PROfen).

And believe me, Ibuprofen everyday. I was wondering if anyone else buprofen? "YO PHIL? Phil: "Yeah?"

"YOU BE PROFEN?" Phil: "Hell yeah Ibuprofen."

Forced to wake up early and go to school, but I lost my mood ring, so I'm not sure how I feel about it.

Cool story bro, but if you tell it again, I'm gonna punch

you in the mouth.

Hello, I just met you and this is quite unorthodox But here's my contact information.

So send me a carrier pigeon or fax me, MAYBE. When people at Burger King force you to eat something in order to use the free wifi, not exactly free.

Jesus can walk on water. Babies are 75% water, and I can walk on babies. I'm just as special as Jesus. I'm totally going to jail.

"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what i wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down 'Happy'. They told me I didn't understand the assignment, and I told them they didn't understand life." -John Lennon "I reject your reality and substitute my own."

I think my chair is having a competition with my desk to see who can stub my toe the most.

I just met you, and this is crazy. But I'm a rapist, no

one will hear your screams. MAYBE My rabbit just died yesterday, now he's just some bunny that I used to know.

Can someone please tell me why hemp is illegal?

Rawr does not mean 'I love you in dinosaur.', Have you seen Jurassic Park? It means I'm gonna eat your fucking face off!

June 14, 2012 I am so over Jonathan. The first day I went somewhere with Shelby, I can't remember what day it was, but we went to this boy Tyler's house. I like him a lot. I keep thinking about him. Every time I think about him, my heart beats faster and my stomach just jumps so high. Me and Shelby were talking about that dream that everyone has. You know, the one where your walking/running and you run off a cliff or fall into a hole and you feel your whole body jump and your heart pounds and then you wake up. That's how I feel about Tyler. I really want to tell him and Shelby, but I can't work up the nerve. I almost said to her "I like Tyler." But I always imagine the response "Ewwww, gross. I can't believe you like him!" Or she goes to

Tyler and tells him like the way that she would. I don't know if she would say anything I just can't tell her. I will probably never see him again unless I go back to Shelby's house. I can't catch my breath right now, just thinking about him.

June 15, 2012 65 Girl Confessions 1. Do you sleep in your bra? Sometimes 2. Does your dad know you like boys yet? No 3. Do you enjoy drama? Depends 4. Are you a girly girl? No 5. Small or large purses? Small 6. Are you short? No 7. Do you like somebody? Yes 8. Do you care if your socks are dirty? Yes 9. Do you like Halloween? Kinda 10. Are you double jointed? No 11. Where is the weirdest place you have slept? In a swing 12. Have you already had your first kiss? No 13. Is there any type of rumor going around about you?

Yes 14. Do you call anybody by their last name? No

15. How many guys will read this just because it says "Girl Confessions"? A lot -GIRLS BE HONEST...

16. Who is someone you miss right now? Elizaveta 17. Do you prefer light or dark haired guys? Dark 18. Are you currently frustrated with a boy? Yes 19. Do you have a best friend? Yes Shelby Nikole Williams 20. Have you ever had your heart broken? Yes 21. Have you ever thought of having plastic surgery?

No 22. Do you like your life? So so 23. Have you ever jumped in the pool with your clothes on? Yes 24. Do you have more friends that are girls or boys?

Boys 25. How long have you had a Facebook? About 2 years 26. Have you ever slapped a boy in the face? Yes 27. What are your biggest fears? That I will lose my friends 28. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep? Yes 29. Have you ever not been able to get someone off of your mind? Yes 30. Do you believe in the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater"? No

31. Have you ever had a good feeling about something?

Yes 32. Do you ever wish you were famous? No 33. Are you currently missing someone? Yes 34. Who are you texting right now? Nobody -THIS GUY OR THAT GUY? PICK ONE...

35. Cowboy or gangster? Cowboy 36. Face or personality? Personality 37. Sweet or sexy? Sweet 38. Contacts or glasses? Contacts YOURSELF...

39. Eyeliner or mascara? Mascara 40. Pink or black? Black 41. Pumps or flats? Flats 42. Skirts or pants? Pants 43. Socks or leggings? Socks 44. Hoodies or jackets? Hoodies 45. Heels or sneakers? Sneakers 46. Straight or curly hair? Straight 47. White or black? White 48. Smoothies or lattes? Lattes 49. Diet or regular sodas? Regular 50. Make-up or no make-up? No make-up 51. Pearls or diamonds? Diamonds

52. Mary-Kate or Ashley? Ashley 53. iPod or cell phone? Cell Phone 54. Friends or family? Family 55. Lip gloss or lip stick? Lip gloss 56. Manicure or pedicures? Manicures 57. Tank tops or beaters? Tank tops 58. Big sunglasses or small? Small 59. Sunglasses or purses? Purses -IN A GUY...

60. Funny or serious? Funny 61. Romantic or daredevil? Romantic 62. Dark eyes or light eyes? Doesn't matter 63. Long hair or short hair? Doesn't matter 64. Curly hair or straight hair? Doesn't matter 65. Hockey player or football player? Hockey player

June 16, 2012 Question Game 1.What day would you love to live again? The day decided to trust Natalie 2.If you could have one superpower, what would it be?

Telepathy 3.Who's been the most influential person to you? Erin

Hunter 4.What movie do you watch again and again? Hunger Games 5.What's your most valuable possession? My laptop and my books.

6.What's the best advice you've ever received? Follow your heart, from Natalie Cranmer 7.What's your happiest childhood memory? The day we moved to Florida 8.What's the worst lie you ever told? I don't like Jonathan.

9.What's the hardest life lesson you've had to learn?

Life's a bitch. And the truth hurts.

10.What friend do you want to get back in touch with?

Elizaveta 11.If you could meet one living celeb, who would it be?

Selena Gomez 12.Who do you envy most? Nobody 13.What's something you couldn't live without and why? My laptop, because it holds everything in my life, friends, my life, my secrets, my peace.

14.What family member do you wish you knew better?

My older sister 15.If you could meet someone famous, who would it be?

Erin Hunter

16.What do you want to be when you grow up? A writer 17.What experience has changed your outlook on life?

Losing my best friends.

18.What's your biggest regret? Taking things more seriously than others.

19.What do you love most about your family? Why? I love most about my family, the fact that it's easiest to be myself instead of pretending.

20.Where's your ultimate vacation destination? Greece 21.What in life are you most proud of? Getting over 800 AR points in the 5th grade 22.Who's your most loyal friend? Shelby Williams 23.Would you want to be famous? For what? Yes I would, for my writing.

24.What's your biggest accomplishment? Over 800 AR points in 5th grade.

25.What's your earliest childhood memory? My sister's 1st birthday party, where she ate cake all over her face.

26.What's a life lesson you learned the hard way? The truth hurts.

27.What's one thing in the past you'd like to change?

Telling Natalie I liked Jonathan.

28.What's your favorite thing about yourself? I am really good in school.

29.Do you think you're a good judge of character? Yes, and no 30.What's the best compliment you've ever received?

When you get older, your going to be gorgeous.

31.What's the worst advice you've ever taken? Tell him the truth.

32.What talent do you wish you'd been born with?

Gymnastics 33.What's the most spontaneous thing you've ever done? Said "Yellow chocolate chip banana pancake bunnies under your bed."

34.What's a subject you wish you knew more about?

Science 35.What did people tease you about growing up? Being a baby.

36.Who in your family are you most like? My older sister.

37.What's the most fun you've had in the last year?

The talent show with Natalie and Whitney.

38.Do you have a recurring dream? What happens in it?

No 39.What's the bravest thing you've ever done? Told Jonathan that I liked him.

40.What's the biggest personal change you've ever made? Made my personality mean and shutting people

out, instead of sensitive and letting people in.

June 17, 2012 I ended up telling Shelby. Well sort of, she read it off of my diary when I walked away. It turned out to be not such a big deal. But I'm still shaking and my stomach is doing somersaults. I have never been a big fan of rollercoasters, but right now I'm thinking about Tyler, and I feel like I'm dropping a hundred feet on a rollercoaster, and it feels great. So maybe I'll change my mind about rollercoasters. I'm just really afraid of the next time I see him, if I see him. I want to tell him so badly, but also, a part of me wants to never see him again, and just forget about it. But I don't think I will ever be able to forget him. My head is spinning and I don't know what to think or do or feel. It makes me forget I ever even went to school. All of my past memories have nothing in compare to the day I met Tyler. I will never forget that day for the rest of my life. And I have Shelby to thank for that. I really can't even explain how I feel right now. My heart is just pounding, and I'm pretty sure I could do anything I ever tried. But I'm too afraid to try. So that will remain a mystery.

June 18, 2012 I hope this turns out good. My life will straighten out.

I will get to know Tyler. I hope a lot of things. I wish a lot of things. I can't help it. I'll keep writing. But this is over. Bye(