the beholder’s eye • doug brook
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This is Your Chai
Mascots unmasked
18
In the beginning, there was a Easter has an egg-laying bunny. Thanksgiving has a turkey, a turducken, question. a group of Lions losing, and — if you wake up early enough — a large, It was a warm, sunny, summer helium-inflated hedgehog. Christmas has reindeer, jolly Saint Nick, and Shabbat morning, when an Geoffrey the Toys R Us giraffe. unsuspecting woman was What do the Jewish holidays have? Services. approached in a synagogue parking lot, and asked the question that But wait. For the first — and last — time ever, the long lost, recently would launch a thousand quips. discovered Mishnah tractate Bava Gump reveals the animal mascots “Do you think you know four rabbis who would prefer people sleeping designated for the Jewish holidays. through the sermon, rather than talking during it?” She said, “probably.” On Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, everyone eats apples and From that came the headline, “Rabbis prefer sleeping during sermon.” honey. Therefore, the mascot is a bee. Some rabbis suggested basing it on In that first fateful column, 18 years ago, her innocuous “probably” the apples instead, but nobody wanted to wear an earthworm costume. was the basis of the scientific assertion that four out of five rabbis prefer The official mascot of Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, is the sleeping during a sermon. From where came the fifth rabbi? Simple: cheetah. Of course, the biggest fast day of the year should be represented When was the last time five rabbis agreed on anything? Thus, four out by the fastest land animal. But also, because Yom Kippur is a day for of five. cheaters to repent. The journalistic integrity and investigative skills demonstrated there Sukkot is honored by the firefly, because they are the least annoying could have easily led to a prestigious career today in covering the Middle — and nicest to look at — of the flying pests that visit these outdoor East for most major news outlets. But instead, this column labored every huts during dinner. (The Talmud makes no mention of this choice being month (except for the ones that were missed), and sometimes twice influenced, or decided, by Israelites drinking Firefly sweet tea vodka in monthly, to bring almost several laughs to its almost several readers. the desert.) It rode the sound waves of The Southern Shofar though, despite The eighth day of Sukkot, Shemini Atzeret, honors its separation from contractual stipulation, never rode in the seat behind a Southern the rest of Sukkot and its eightness with the ritual octopus. Despite some Chauffeur. It then spoke in its own Deep South Jewish Voice, before beliefs, Shemini Atzeret was not the first time an octopus was thrown on settling in to Southern Jewish Life‘s hind end — unless you read the the ice to celebrate a Detroit Red Wings home victory. magazine right to left, which does not make most of the news today make Simchat Torah, the celebration of the Torah, is symbolized with a cow, more, or less, sense. whose hide was the original parchment upon which Moses wrote the Over the years, this column presented the wisdom of the recentlyTorah. discovered, long-lost Mishnah tractate Bava Gump which, among other Much like the mascot of the football team perennially playing in things, teaches how shrimp can be kosher. bowl games this time of year like no other, Chanukah is represented by The column retold the legendary adventures of the beloved young the elephant. Though, while it seems like Alabama has played in every kabbalist, Harry Plotzer, and his adventures with The Sanhedrin’s Stone, postseason since ancient times, there’s another reason for the elephant — through The Chamber of Shpielkis, and with The Prisoner of Ashkenaz go read the complete Chanukah story. and The Gabbai of Fire, though not yet getting to The Deadly Challahs. While you do, you’ll learn why the official tool of Chanukah is the Occasionally there were guests, such as the recurring one due to a harehammer. After one kids party, you’ll learn why the official Chanukah brained rabbinical typo, Ask the Rabbit, as well as Gurb the Caveman drink for parents is the screwdriver. Rabbi, and the occasional special report from The Oynion. Tu B’shvat, the Jewish Arbor Day, appeals to many tree animals. But the Explored were calendar anomalies and events, real and surreal, such as mascot is the wisest tree denizen of all, the one who can recite the entire Thanksnukah, Mezuzapalooza, Kol Nidre the 13th, Purover, Chrisnukah, Torah while standing on one branch — the owl. (You don’t understand Yomtober, and the pirated Rosh Hashaarrrnah and Day of Aarrrtonement. the recitation because you don’t speak owl.) The chorus of “Bubbe’s Been Run Over By a Reindeer” was sung, the Purim’s mascot is the rabbit. What would springtime be without the Rebbe at the Bat got his bell rung, and the Grinch who hated Jew-ville Esther Bunny? had his hatred unstrung. So many animals are involved in Passover, in so many ways. Should its In case it wasn’t apparent, this is the 18th anniversary of this space mascot be the lamb, of shankbone and Chad Gadya fame? Or the chicken, not being for rent. In honor of this Chai anniversary, it would seem in case it came before the seder plate’s egg? Or perhaps some recompense appropriate to toast it with some chai tea. to the plague-related frog, locust, or cattle that was undeservedly inflicted Except that chai tea has baffled rabbinic scholars for hundreds of with disease? None of these. seconds. (“Should we have seconds? Is one cup enough? Let’s drink on Passover’s symbol is the gefilte fish – because there is no better use for it.”) After all, chai is not pronounced like Chai, though a cup of chai all that horseradish. makes it easier to pronounce Chai. And some say that chai has properties It took the Israelites 40 years to cross the desert. Shavuot — beyond that help to extend one’s life, one’s Chai. commemorating the giving of the Torah — is the festival of weeks, And what is chai tea’s relationship to Thai Iced Tea? Is there such a representing how long it takes to find two rabbis who agree about thing as Thai Chai Tea? If there is, are its effects best described as tai chi something. To best symbolize the molassesque pace at which these things for the digestive system? occur, Shavuot is represented by the tortoise. These are questions to ponder during this High Holy Day season, The Tisha B’Av mascot is the pronghorn — the often forgotten secondthough perhaps not late afternoon on Yom Kippur. This column continued on on theprevious previous page continued
54 Southern Jewish Life • December 2014