rear pew mirror • doug brook
Now I Have Everything From: Anatevka Homeowners Association Dear Tevye, We hope this letter finds you well. Everyone in the AHA is gratified to see that you have, in fact, become a rich man. After being blessed with five daughters and a life of poverty, it’s a gift for you that the Almighty has seen fit to smite you with money, the world’s curse. May you never recover. In the best interest of our little circle in this village, it’s our humble duty to raise with you several issues that your small fortune has brought about. We ask that you to attend to these matters with all due expedience. It was a delight to see you buy that big, tall house with rooms by the dozen. Not only is it right in the middle of the town, but that tin roof is as fine as those real wooden floors below. Regarding the house’s interior, there’s no concern about the one long staircase just going up, but the one even longer coming down does not comply with local building code. The one more that leads nowhere just for show is similarly non-compliant. Stepping outside of the house, your good fortune has let you fill your yard with chicks, turkeys, geese and ducks which the town both sees and, unfortunately, hears. While their noisy squawking is a reminder that there lives a wealthy man, each loud quack, cluck, gobble and honk lands like a trumpet on the ear which has led to numerous complaints from your neighbors. Please find a way to limit their volume to a level comparable to that of your new milk cow. Speaking of noise, there have been Where’s the numerous reports that your wife, ghost of Fruma Golde, while supervising meals to her heart’s delight, has also been screamSarah when you ing at your new servants, day and night. It’s not our place to intercede really need her? in matters of domestic service, but we wanted to caution you about this before a labor complaint is filed. Regarding your neighbors, some have observed that you are regularly receiving the most important men in town, fawning on you and asking your advice. This is well and good but, if you please, Reb Tevye, we caution you to not overstep the limits of your knowledge. People might assume that, because you’re rich, you really know. But it actually does make a difference if you answer right or wrong. For example, the Good Book makes no mention of a chicken. Perhaps the accuracy of your knowledge will improve now that you have the time you once lacked to sit in the synagogue and pray, in your newfound seat by the eastern wall. Given that you now discuss the holy books with the learned men for seven hours every day, these domestic matters could easily escape your notice. That’s why we’re sending you this letter. We hope that you understand the various concerns raised in this letter, and that you’ll see fit to address them with all due speed. As you’re doubtlessly discovering, while it is understandably desirable to become a wealthy man if one lives in poverty, with great wealth comes the great expense that wealth brings. The grass is sometimes greener on the other side of the shtetl. continued on previous page 30
May/June 2024 • Southern Jewish Life