rear pew mirror • doug brook
Torah’s Funniest Moments: Leviticus
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April 2024 • Southern Jewish Life
Weeks before Jewish palates are strained by the alleviation of leavening, mental palates are similarly strained by the annual Torah cycle reaching Leviticus. This third book of the Torah is best known for being unknown to most people. Rules. Levites, one assumes. And lots of sand, as if there’s much mention of the Israelites still being in the desert. Story? We don’t need no stinkin’ story. Thus, it’s time to explore – not merely what happens in Leviticus – but the funniest things in this book that, on the surface, seems drier than a dry martini. The first several chapters, and several more after them, describe various sacrifices that Israelites were to bring to the Levites to offer up to the Almighty Big G. Of course, the closest to burnt offerings in modern times are tailgating barbecues before the Iron Bowl. Services and scripture related to sacrifices are relevant today not for the literal altarnative act, rather for the intent behind the sacrifices. They matter today for the timeless reasons why anyone would sacrifice, such as: reparations, thanksgiving, well-being, atonement, or a man on second and nobody out in a tied or one-run game. Leviticus describes the ingredients and recipe for each sacrifice in such detail as would daunt any bachelor. The description of every animal sacrifice, entrails and all, ends with the aesthetically incongruous, “an offering by fire, of pleasing odor to the Almighty Big G.” Apparently, the ABG enjoys Passover year-round, because at all times “no meal offering shall be made with leaven.” The recently discovered tractate Bava Story? We Gump extends this to not preparing meals don’t need no with anyone named Levin. For various animal offerings, the Levstinkin’ story ites are instructed to “sprinkle blood against all sides of the altar,” presumably because there’ll be a mess anyway so it might as well be by design. If a priest unwittingly incurs guilt, his sacrifice includes “bringing the bull to the entrance of the tabernacle,” which is good training for what they’d need to bring if they enter politics later in life. If one must bring an offering for having sinned and they are too poor to bring a goat, they can instead bring two turtledoves. Or two pigeons, but not a partridge nor a pear tree. After the many chapters instructing how to offer sacrifices, Moses has a formal public installation ceremony where Aaron is consecrated as the high priest. In recognition of this, the Israelites offered a special sacrifice, just as outgoing presidents are similarly roasted at contemporary synagogue board installations. When that sacrifice was ready, “fire came from before the Almighty Big G and consumed the offering” and everyone saw it, cried out, and fell to the ground. Despite that demonstration of divine disintegration, two of Aaron’s sons decided to spontaneously burn an unrequested offering. The Almighty flame combusted them both. Aaron and his other two sons were cautioned not to mourn them, because there’s more where that came from. Next comes a long list of rules for the Health Department about what’s allowed in a kosher restaurant, followed by similarly appealing rules recontinued on previous page