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54 Southern Jewish Life • March 2015
Since that fateful evening and morning, history has been replete with In theevents. beginning, was good, a historic Somethere of them some of them bad — which ones question. were which depends on who you ask, and when. It was a warm, sunny, Commandments were summer issued, and summarily broken. Miracles were Shabbat morning, when went an for naught. The Mets won the World wrought, and other prayers unsuspecting woman was Series, and Barry M*nilow released his first album. approached in why a synagogue parking theand question that Some asked bad things happenlot, to and goodasked people, why good would launch a thousand quips. things happen to bad people. Why bad people happen to good things, you think you know four would prefer people sleeping and“Do why good people happen to rabbis do badwho things. Some asked, others took through the sermon, rather than talking during it?” She said, “probably. ” advantage. From headline, “Rabbis prefer sleeping during sermon.” A But that now,came after the countable millennia, an update has been discovered. In that first fateful column, years ago, her innocuous “probably” mysterious parchment was found18hermetically sealed in a mayonnaise jar was the basis of the scientific assertion that four out of five rabbis in the back of a dining hall freezer since midnight some night. Noprefer one, sleeping during sermon. From where came theuntil fifthnow. rabbi? Simple: but no one, knewathe contents of this parchment… When wasstill thethe lastLord, timeBig fiveG,rabbis agreed on Thus,out four out 1. I am who brought youanything? out of Egypt, of the of five. house of bondage. Yet that little episode was apparently not clear enough Theyou, journalistic and investigative unto so let Me integrity spell it out: Slavery = bad. skills demonstrated there could have easily led to a prestigious career today in covering Middle 2. You shall have no other gods before me. After all, I wasthe here first. Eastiffor most major newsother outlets. instead, columnYou labored But someone else has godsBut before Me,this let them. don’t every want month forthey thebelieve ones that were missed), and sometimes twice to mess (except with what in any more than you want them messing monthly, to bring almost several laughs to its almost several readers. with what you believe in. It You rodeshall the not sound of The Southern Shofar though, despite 3. takewaves the name of the Lord, Big G, in vain. Neither contractual rode in this thecommandment’s seat behind a about Southern should you bestipulation, so vain that never I bet you think you. Chauffeur. It then in day its own Deep South Voice, before 4. Remember thespoke Sabbath to keep it holy. SixJewish days you labor and settling in work, to Southern Jewish Life‘s end — unless you the do all your but the seventh day ishind a Sabbath to the Lord, Bigread G, who magazine right to left, which does not make most of the news today make tried to give you an out here — if you wouldn’t give yourself a day off, more, or Me. less,But sense. do it for that did not work for some of you, so just take off the Over the years, this the wisdom of Stop the recentlyseventh day: For me, forcolumn you, forpresented your spouse… whoever. burning discovered, long-lost Mishnah tractate Bava Gump which, among other yourself out — that bush was not consumed, but you will be. I made the things, teaches how shrimp can be kosher. world in six days, and rested on the seventh — not because the world was Thebut column retold legendary thethat. beloved young done, because I wasthe pretty tuckeredadventures out. Learnof from kabbalist, Harry Plotzer, and his adventures with The Sanhedrin’s 5. Honor your father and mother, so that your days may be long Stone, in the through Chamber Shpielkis, withand Themother Prisoner of Ashkenaz land thatThe I give you. Or,ofhonor yourand father because if you and The of Fire, though not yet getting The Deadly don’t theyGabbai will make your days seem very long.toOr they mightChallahs. end your Occasionally there such as that the recurring days prematurely, andwere makeguests, another one looks justone likedue you.to a harebrained rabbinical Ask the Rabbit,it as as Gurb the Caveman 6. Thou shalt nottypo, murder, whether bewell another person or living Rabbi, and the occasional special report from The Oynion. creature, the score of a good show, or simply killing a good weekend. Explored werenot calendar anomalies events, realadults, and surreal, such as 7. Thou shalt commit adultery.and But act like otherwise. It Thanksnukah, Mezuzapalooza, Kol Nidre the 13th, Purover, Chrisnukah, does not give you license to act like children. Yomtober, and the Rosh Hashaarrrnah andnor Daythe of Aarrrtonement. 8. Thou shalt notpirated steal, neither a physical object hearts or minds The chorus of “Bubbe’s Been Run Over By a Reindeer” was sung, the that cleave to others. For it is just not nice. Rebbe at the Bat got his bell rung, and the Grinch who hated 9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against your neighbor. Jew-ville Or your had his hatred unstrung. neighbor’s neighbor. Or your neighbor’s neighbor’s neighbor. And so on. In case it wasn’t apparent, thisenough is the 18th anniversary of truth, this space Specific enough now? It’s difficult to keep track of the why not being for rent. In honor of this Chai anniversary, it would seem introduce more to remember? appropriate to toast with neighbor’s some chai tea. 10. Do not covetityour house, wife, servant, animals, or Except that that ischai teaneighbor’s. has baffledTelling rabbinic scholarsthey for cannot hundreds of anything your someone want seconds. (“Should we have seconds? Is one cup enough? Let’s drink on something typically makes them want it all the more. Therefore, if you it.”) your After neighbor’s all, chai isnew not living pronounced like Chai, you though cup of chai like room furniture, can aask where he makes it easier to pronounce Chai. And some say that chai has properties got it. If you like your neighbor’s wife, you can ask if she has a sister. that help to you extend Otherwise, canone’s looklife, but one’s don’tChai. touch. Even your neighbor’s love for And what is chai tea’s relationship Thai Iced Is there such Me, the Big G, you should not covet —tobut you areTea? free to emulate anda thing as Thai Chai Tea? If there is, are its effects best described as tai chi surpass it all the days of your life. I just sayeth. for the digestive system? Doug is a writer in Silicon Valleythis whoHigh has Holy been Day a badseason, thing These Brook are questions to ponder during happening to bothnot goodlate people who read For though perhaps afternoon on this Yomcolumn, Kippur.since This1996. column past columns, other writings, and more, visit http://brookwrite.com/. For continued on previous page exclusive online content, follow facebook.com/the.beholders.eye.