the beholder’s eye • doug brook
This is Your Chai In the beginning, therefirst was a Murder of the question.
18
was aa morning warm, sunny, summer ItIt was like any other morning, except that it wasn’t. Shabbat morning, when There hadn’t been that manyan mornings yet. And nothing like this had unsuspecting was ever happened. woman approached in a synagogue lot, alone and asked question that When I arrived, there was aparking man. Lying in thethe field, motionless. wouldbrought launch ame thousand quips. What here? His blood was crying out from the soil. Once, he you thinkNow, you know four whovictim. would prefer people sleeping was“Do a shepherd. he’s the firstrabbis murder through the sermon, rather than talking during it?”never She said, “probably.a” There weren’t that many suspects, but having investigated From that came the headline, “Rabbis sleeping during sermon. murder before because there had neverprefer been one before, I didn’t know”yet first fateful column, 18 years ago, her innocuous “probably” thatInI that was looking for any. was basiswas of the assertion that four out of five rabbisweren’t prefer Histhe father wellscientific grounded, his mother lively. Their records sleeping during a sermon. From where came the fifth rabbi? Simple: clean — there was an earlier incident of possession of an illegal substance, When led wastothe lasteviction. time fiveBut rabbis on anything? Thus, four out which their they agreed didn’t seem like repeat offenders. It of five. had been a long time since they spent their days raising Cain. Besides, The journalistic and investigative skills demonstrated there who would kill theirintegrity own son? could have easily led to a prestigious career todaysoinIcovering the Middle There were no records of anyone else around, had to speak to the East remaining for most major news outlets. But only person I could find: hisinstead, brother,this thecolumn farmer.labored every month (except the ones missed), and sometimes twice He was evasivefor at first. I’d askthat himwere to provide straightforward answers, monthly, to bring almost several laughs to its almost several readers. but he did not seem like he was able. He sidestepped, asking if he was his It rodekeeper. the sound waves“ifofnot The Southern Shofar though, despite brother’s I answered, you, whom? And if not then, when?” contractual stipulation, never rodehisinbrother the seat a Southern He said that the last time he saw was behind when both of them Chauffeur. then spoke its aown Deep South Voice, before went to offerItsacrifices. Thisinwas compelling point:Jewish how could someone settling in to Southern Jewish Life‘s hind end — unless you read the willing to sacrifice be a murderer? magazine right to left, which does not make most of the news today make He held up under interrogation as long as anyone ever had before, more, or less, sense. which is to say not very long. He didn’t give me Over the years, this column presented the wisdom of the recentlythe whole story chapter and verse — because it HE DIDN’Tlong-lost GIVE Mishnah discovered, tractate Bava Gump which, among other took less than a chapter, really just a few verses ME CHAPTER AND things, teaches how shrimp— but can be kosher. told me enough. VERSE, IT TOOK The column retold the legendary of thehis beloved young It becameadventures clear that when sacrifice was ONLY A FEW kabbalist, Harry Plotzer, and adventures The Sanhedrin’s Stone, nothis accepted, but with his brother’s was, that he through The Chamber of Shpielkis, withinThe ofaAshkenaz VERSES… struck his and brother thePrisoner head with rock. He and The Gabbai of Fire, though notityet to The Challahs. claimed wasgetting the only wayDeadly to get through his Occasionally there were thick guests, suchbut as the due to atohareskull, thatrecurring was all heone intended do. brained rabbinical thethat Rabbit, well Gurb the Caveman He asked how he typo, couldAsk know wouldaskill hisasbrother, or even how Rabbi, and the occasional special report from The Oynion. he could know what killing was? I reminded him that we are responsible were calendar anomalies andintended events, real andHe surreal, as forExplored our actions and their consequences, or not. askedsuch where Thanksnukah, Mezuzapalooza, Kol Nidre the 13th, Purover, Chrisnukah, that was written, so I wrote it down for him. Yomtober, andbecause Day of Aarrrtonement. I pointedand outthe thatpirated he did Rosh knowHashaarrrnah what killing was, his brother had The chorus of “Bubbe’s Been Run Over By a Reindeer” the been doing it already to animals, such as when he preparedwas his sung, sacrifice. Rebbe at the Bat got his bell rung, and the Grinch who hated Jew-ville He claimed he did not know the same would work on people, that his had his didn’t hatredhit unstrung. brother animals over the head, but his argument seemed feeble. In case wasn’t that, apparent, is the 18th anniversary of he thisneeded space He then itclaimed after this his own sacrifice was rejected, not being for rent. In honor of this Chai anniversary, it would seem to find another kind of meaning for himself in sacrifice. An interesting appropriate to toast it with some chai tea. point: if his brother’s sacrifice was accepted, perhaps sacrificing his Except chai tea has rabbinic scholars for be hundreds of brother — that the perpetuator of abaffled successful sacrifice — would even more seconds. (“Should have seconds?property. Is one cup enough? Let’s drink on highly accepted, viawe some transitive it.”An ) After all, chai is not likeThere Chai,was though a cup interesting point, butpronounced it didn’t add up. no math yet,ofsochai the makes it easier to pronounce Chai. And some say that chai has properties transitive property was inadmissible as evidence. that extend one’s Chai. In help the to end, who one’s else life, could it be? He was the first of many things. is chai tea’s relationship to Thai Is there such a TheAnd firstwhat younger brother, the first farmer, the Iced first Tea? to have his sacrifice thing as Thai Chai Tea? If there is, are its effects best described as tai chi rejected, the first murder suspect and the first murderer. Like his parents for the digestive system? once before for a seemingly lesser crime, he was cast out. These are to ponder during Dayofseason, Calling himquestions the first something, implies this thereHigh will Holy be more them. though perhaps not late afternoon on Yom Kippur. This column continued on on theprevious previous page page continued 38 Southern Jewish Life • February 2015