simple syrup
“The truth is, all of us look forward to cereal for excitement and fun. Deep down, everyone really is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.” –Chuck McGann, voice of Sonny Cuckoo Bird
but it’s hardly a letdown. In my often-drunken investigations, I came to better understand why we’re so obsessed with cereal. They’re a reflection of what was once promised. Toys and sweepstakes are the key to something better. Cartoon mascots are everlasting, though hardly fireproof, guardians to our childhoods. Celebrity endorsements and movie tie-ins blur the line between cravings and commercials, and compel us to buy the shiniest box. Name brands dominate the game, leaving the often-identical store brands in the sugary dust, blinding us to the fact that the best things in life aren’t always plain to see. And everything has fucking marshmallows. Cereal is sweet, but I am bitter. Perhaps I need a new hobby.
tea-drinking, man-bun-and-nose-ring hipster demographic, leaving well-intentioned, mainstream cereal connoisseurs in the sugary dust. Our nation has never been more divided. The night after the flame test, I hit rock bottom: to make the bland Cheerios more palatable, I submerge them in a college-ready cocktail of Natural Light and Jim Beam then microwave it to infuse the flavors. “Radical questions call for radical measures,” I insist, wild-eyed, when my roommate finds me hunched over the potent sludge with a spoon poised at my lips. Finally, I give in and taste it. It’s the vilest thing I’ve ever tasted, and at last I decide I’ve had enough of ‘radical questions’ for some time. Despite all my research, I can’t objectively determine which cereal is best, or healthiest, or tastiest—
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