Backpage Dylan Lewis staff writer
OrTighty Whities vs. Whitey Tighties
The disagreement between the childhood underwear term
Whitey Tighties? Now that just doesn’t sound right. I believe the correct terminology should be tighty whities. Senior Ryan Land can’t seem to get the term right. I mean, underwear is tight and white, not white and tight. I plan on making Ryan change his tighty brownies if you know what I mean. Ryan is going against me and the Merriam-Webster Dictionary; looks like he’s going to be facing an up-hill battle. I’m planning on proving him wrong and finally zipping up the fly on this case. I have got some tricks up my sleeve that I don’t think he can handle. I set out to ask the students of our school their opinion. Everybody that I’ve quoted firmly believes that the correct term is “tighty whities.” Sheldon junior Henry Asay had this to say about tighty whities: “I like tighty whities better than boxers because they grip better.” I also asked Asay on a scale of 1-10 how stupid does it sound when somebody says whitey tighties, and he responded saying, “Ten.”Asay was one of several people who agreed with me, leaving Ryan Land slim pickings when it came to interviewing people on his argument. Some people still agree with the term tighty whities, but seem to have something against the underwear. Sheldon senior Peter Anderson said he hasn’t worn a pair of tighty whities since kindergarten. That’s quite some time. Anderson also has a strong belief in what he believes is the correct term. When I asked him hypothetically if the dictionary said it was “whitey tighties” would it change his mind, Anderson responded saying, “No, I’d probably stick with my opinion.” Good thing his opinion is correct, huh? Unlike Anderson, freshman Isaiah Cartwright said it is not embarrassing to wear tighty whities. Cartwright said it was not considered weird to wear tighty whities, “because they’re underneath your pants.” He makes a valid point, unless you get your pants pulled down while wearing tighty whities. I think that happened to someone I know… oh yeah! That would be Ryan Land! Land doesn’t know what he’s talking about when he says whitey tighties. The only decent source that he had was Urban Dictionary, which, to my understanding, anybody in the entire world can write on. Not everybody can write in the Merriam-Webster dictionary, which states “tighty whities” is the correct term. Sorry Ryan! Anything he has said referring to me liking the movie The Lion King should prove he has no argument whatsoever, and confirm that it’s the best movie ever made, and to make fun of it should only make true fans angry. Bad move Land.
Drew Haugen photo
Junior Dylan Lewis (L) and senior Ryan Land (R) model their favorite ways to wear their underwear.
Ryan Land staff writer
The term “whitey tighties” is the one and only way to describe the white and tight underwear that is worn by some men. If you listen to normal public dialogue around school and town, you will hear “whitey tighties” spoken regularly. However, there seem to be doubters and rebels who choose to go against the grain, the popular common belief, and the famous Captain Underpants when they say “tighty whities.” The leader of this weak revolt is Dylan Lewis, who can’t seem to get it right in his head that “tighty whities” is a foolish and incorrect way to describe the “whitey tighty” underwear. Dylan clearly represents the skidmark on the underpants of society. As I walked the halls of Sheldon, I asked around and received a ton of positive feedback regarding whitie tighties. Many students agreed that the correct way to call the underpants was, in fact, whitey tighties. Senior Shiloh Jackson said, “I’ve always called them whitie tighties because that is what my brothers have always called them. I’ve never even heard of tighty whities.” Not only did I receive support at Sheldon, but I also found “whitey tighties” on urbandictionary.com, which consists of words used in common, everyday speech, and I wasn’t surprised when I saw that “whitey tighties” was on that list. Those who say “tighty whities” are grammatically incorrect. If you were going to describe something, the first thing you would see is the color of that object. When you are looking at underpants, the first thing you will see is the whiteness of the apparel. After that, you would describe how it feels to you. In this case, the underwear fits tight and snug. Therefore, you should call the underwear by the way it is described, white and tight. Senior Brennan Schauffler said, “I have always said and heard ‘whitey tighties.’ It feels satisfying when you say it. Even Captain Underpants himself called his underwear ‘whitey tighties.’” A plethora of students firmly believe that the correct term is “whitey tighties.” Many even go so far as to claim that they have never heard of that other idiotic term. Senior Alex Torres said, “I love to say whitie tighties. It brings back old memories of me running around my house in the snug little undies. But when people say ‘tighty whities’ it angers me. It sounds weird and destroys my childhood memories.” Personally, I have fond memories of whitey tighties in my life, which Dylan may have mentioned in his excuse for an article. Dylan is a narrow-minded baboon who still obsesses over The Lion King, which was made over fifteen years ago. Dylan lives in a false reality that consists of talking lions, Timon and Pumba, and singing giraffes. Of course he thinks that “tighty whities” is how it should be said, because it’s probably what Mufasa told him to say in his dream a week ago. Just remember that “white and tight” is always right. If you want to sound sophisticated and smooth, say “whitey tighties,” and you will be accepted by society. Go Ducks.
Tennis balls and the interesting science behind their performance The mystery behind the origin of the soft fuzzy neon green balls Kyler Schmeling staff writer Have you ever thought about why tennis balls are the way they are? Why they are fuzzy, neon green, and even why they bounce the way they do? Well it has been brought to my attention that I am not the only one who has thought of such a thing. Now I, as a writer, have figured out why these things are this way. I have also asked the opinions of others to see what they think on this rather unusual topic. These people are regular people just like you, and have an opinion that should be respected. There is a science behind the size and shape of the tennis balls, but what people don’t know is that the texture and color also play into the performance of the players as well. As demonstrated by sophomore Justin Bird, “No, I do not think there is a science behind tennis balls.” The shape and size of the tennis ball control the speed
at which the tennis balls move after being hit. The bigger the ball, the faster it goes. Most professionals play with the smaller balls, most beginners play with the bigger ones. The fuzz on the outside of a tennis balls is also a key factor in speed and direction. I asked sophomore, Amberly Schmit. She said, “I do not think there is a purpose behind the fuzz on tennis balls.” There is a science behind the fuzz on the ball, though. After the ball has been hit the fuzz on the ball helps to slow the speed. The more fuzz on a ball the more drag there is.
The slower it goes. The fuzz also has another purpose: curve. When the ball is hit and spun, the fuzz helps create drag in one direction curving the ball in mid-flight. There is also a reason for the colors of tennis balls too. Tennis balls are usually bright neon yellow or green. This helps the player see contrasting colors and react to the ball faster. Some people such as senior Tyler Gray, would like to see tennis balls be different colors, “You know what,” he continued,” I’d really like to see tennis balls blue.” I replied to this by saying that maybe he should write to Dunlop, a well-respected tennis ball company, to voice his concerns on the topic. He had no further response. There is a science behind tennis balls, from its size, weight, fuzziness, color, and shape, everything about a tennis ball has a science to it. Be enlightened.
Drew Haugen illustration
The fuzz on a tennis ball plays key rolls in speed and direction.