Grace Schneider, Remember the Times

I remember the times when life was simpler, waking up before school to mama making grits and toast. Waking up and seeing her tangled hair and pale skin, the oversized Mardi Gras shirt and flowered night shorts seemed to swallow her tiny body. Waking up to only an alarm clock in a peaceful home with no noise, no anger, nothing to be scared of. And yet, her subtle, “wash your face sweetheart,” haunts my brain, like a depressed entity in an abandoned morgue.

I remember the times when life was simpler When mama made cakes for every birthday, got gifts for every Christmas, went to church every Sunday where she would look the priest dead in the face and her expressions would scream, “HELP ME!” For she struggled and was the most broken in our home, had the lowest income and felt like a horrible mother because she couldn’t give us the world. Felt as if she lets us down every day because she can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t walk without being in pain, For her to wake up the next day, and take her poisoned candy to have energy for the next house to clean because“Daddy, the coffee pot is broken again!” ...She loved her coffee, until it was no longer keeping her awake like her candy.

I remember the times before worrying about health, Before worrying about drug tests and illnesses and broken bones. I thought peeing in a cup was something kids just do. I thought my life was normal. I thought we were all happy together in a big happy home.

That we were perfect. That we’d live forever in our big happy home“Teresa, you need a doctor!” Mama must’ve been sick from all the candy. I remember the times when mama came home with her feet swelling, feeling weak, and calves as thick as cones. “Mama, go to the doctor!” It wasn’t long before these boils began to show, her legs leaking water, laying in a bed where her breathing looked like it stopped Jesus Christ mom, “GO TO THE DOCTOR!” “WAKE UP, MAMA!” ….. I remember that time I stepped foot in that E.R. My vision blurred, my ears went deaf, and I lost feeling in my chest. They found something eating the muscles in her legs, only 48 hours to live, And the first thing that popped into my childish head was, “It’s all my fault..”, my head began screaming, “THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT”.

…. That day was the last day I said a full sentence for months, The last day she was ever home, The last day of my childhood…five years ago. But now, Mama has a new home. A home with old, wise ones far from her age, but …. I’m just happy she lived.