Kane County Chronicle / KCChronicle.com • Thursday, January 10, 2013
| ADVICE
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Readers urge wife to work through problems Dear Abby: This is in response to “Had It in Hartford” (Oct. 6), who has been unhappily married to her husband for 20 years. She said she married him for all the wrong reasons and “has never loved him the way a woman should love a man.” After I had been married for seven years, I went to my pastor concerned that the grass on the other side was looking greener than mine. As we spoke, I began to realize the extent of the investment I had put into my marriage and that I didn’t want to start over again on a new one. My mom always told me, “Marriage is not easy. You will always have to work on it. There will be times when you won’t feel that you like him or love him.” I have been married for 36 years now. Do I notice handsome men, or appreciate a man who treats me kindly? Of course. I’m not blind or dead. Love isn’t just a feeling, but a choice and a commitment. I’m committed to my husband not
DEAR ABBY Jeanne Phillips because I’m “supposed” to be, but because I CHOOSE to be. It seems to me that “Had It” never made that choice or worked toward it, but expected it to just happen eventually. She has a foundation of trust and friendship that helps a marriage through the rough times. Many marriages that end in divorce rely on sexual attraction and passion to carry them instead of friendship. “Had It” should take another look at what she’s about to lose and tally up the costs to her family. Is she really trapped? Or has she just been unwilling to choose to love? – Barbara in Mount Vernon, Wash. Dear Barbara: Thank you for writing. I advised “Had It” to think long and hard before leav-
ing her husband, but that if she truly cannot love him the way he deserves, she should move on. A readers comment: Dear Abby: “Had It” doesn’t feel love toward her husband because she spends her time and energy ruminating about a “mistake” she thinks she made 20 years ago. She says he is doing everything right and they get along fine. If she tried something positive, like reminding herself about the qualities she likes about him, and doing things she knows make him happy instead of fantasizing about other men, she might find the love she craves in her marriage. Loving feelings come from loving behavior, not the other way around. The sooner she realizes this, the sooner she’ll see that what she really wants is right there at home with her family. And it has been there all along. – Dr. Peggy B. • Write Dear Abby at www. dearabby.com.
Cognitive behavioral therapy can relieve childhood anxiety Dear Doctor K: I believe my second-grader suffers from anxiety. How is anxiety treated in children? Dear Reader: Many kids have anxiety disorders. There are several different kinds, and most are suffered both by kids and adults, such as generalized anxiety disorder, social phobias, panic disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder. Some anxiety disorders affect only children. The prime example is separation anxiety – an extreme difficulty being away from home or loved ones. Before your child is diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, however, consider this: Some children who are anxious have good reason to be afraid. For example, your child may be a victim of abuse by a relative or a classroom bully. Try to find out if this is the case. If your child is diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, the treatment options are: • Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). CBT is the best-confirmed treatment for anxiety disorders in children. A common CBT method is called graduated exposure. In this method, young children with phobias, for example, are placed near the feared object while doing something reassuring and
ASK DOCTOR K Anthony L. Komaroff enjoyable. Older children can learn how to use deep breathing or muscle relaxation, or they can be taught to talk themselves out of fear-provoking thoughts. Another technique is modeling. This involves asking the anxious child to emulate the therapist or another child who shows no fear. • Drug therapy. The FDA has not approved any drugs for childhood anxiety disorders. (The only exception is the use of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) for obsessive-compulsive disorder.) But some SSRIs are effective and approved for the treatment of anxiety disorders in adults. As a result, many doctors prescribe these antidepressants for anxious children. • Combination treatment. Among children and teens especially, combining CBT and drug therapy is often successful. You and other family members can also help your child. For example, learn techniques for managing your child’s anxiety. Provide models of self-confidence and problem-solving, and give rewards for overcoming fears.
Sometimes a family problem is the source of the child’s anxiety, or an anxious child may think he or she is the cause of any trouble in the family. In that case, joint family therapy may be a good idea. Many years ago, a patient of mine was having trouble in his marriage. He and his wife were very different personalities. With some marriages, people of like mind find each other. With other marriages, opposites attract. That was their marriage. He was meticulous, cautious, a man of few words who rarely expressed emotion. She was a volcano – always on the go, talked a blue streak, and emotional every minute of her life except when she was asleep. They grew apart. Their 12-year-old daughter, who had been a confident and independent child, became fearful and insecure. Therapy revealed that she blamed herself for breaking up their marriage. Sessions with her parents finally absolved her of that guilt – and of her suffocating anxiety.
• Dr. Komaroff is a physician and professor at Harvard Medical School. Visit www.AskDoctorK.com to send questions and get additional information.
Man’s drinking strains relationship with girlfriend Dr. Wallace: I’m almost 20 years old and have, for the past year, been dating a great guy who is 21 years old. He treats me like a queen and keeps saying he wants to marry me. I would have said yes months ago, but he has a drinking problem and doesn’t seem to realize it. He has been arrested twice in the past year for driving under the influence. The last time he had to spend 10 days in jail and had his driver’s license suspended. Unfortunately, he continues to drive and, of course, has his share of alcohol. My family is terribly upset that I’m dating this guy. My mom keeps telling me never to ride with him, even if he only had one drink. So far, I haven’t taken Mom’s advice. His parents like me and keep telling me that I’m a good influence on their son, and they believe that, in time, he will stop drinking. My own mother wants me to stop seeing this guy, but his mother is encouraging me to stay with him so I can help him. What’s your advice? – Nameless, Tupelo, Miss. Dear Nameless: The only mother you need to listen to is your own. The only person who can help him stop drinking is himself. You have been “encouraging” him to stop consuming alcohol in the year you have been dating him. What makes you think things will change later? When you tell him farewell, make sure you give him the telephone number of the nearest Alcoholics Anonymous group. Tell him to call you after he has enrolled and is no longer drinking.
’TWEEN 12 & 20 Robert Wallace
Dr. Wallace: I’m 16 years old, a good student, and basically a fine young lady. Bret is my boyfriend, and we’ve been together for three months. We met at church, and we both feel that we’re made for each other. I like Bret very much. My life is much happier and brighter since we met, but I’ve got a weird situation at home. I am allowed to have a boyfriend, and we can be together at my house, but we are not allowed to go on a date. Bret is 17 years old and has his own car, but I’m not allowed to ride in it under any circumstances. I’ve tried to get my parents to be reasonable and allow us to go out for a bite to eat. The answer is yes, as long as my parents tag along. When you were a teen, would you enjoy having your parents accompany you and your girlfriend for a snack at a restaurant? I seriously doubt it. I realize that what you say is not going to change my parents’ minds if you agree with me, but I would enjoy hearing what you think of my weird situation. – Nameless, Tulsa, Okla. Dear Nameless: I’m on your side. A 16-yearold who is a good student and trustworthy daughter, who is permitted to have a boyfriend, should be allowed to spend time with him occasionally without parental supervision. • Write Dr. Wallace at rwallace@galesburg. net.