ADVICE: How do I create a chosen family?

Advice from ARUNA ZEHRA

Dear Shameless, I often hear about this idea of a “chosen” family, and it sounds like something that I want in my life, but do not know where or how to get it. I’m afraid that no one will “choose” me and my family of origin doesn’t accept me. I don’t want to risk rejection again. Before you begin reading this, take a deep breath. Deeply in through your nose, and deeply out through your mouth. When you inhale, remind yourself that you are deserving of love, care and connection. When you exhale, let go of those ideas or thoughts that say you don’t. Connection is so hard. Connection with others, ourselves, community, families, friends, the land, the water, everything, can be a difficult thing in our world. We live in a capitalist world that thrives on isolation, but as social beings, we yearn for more. It can be hard to make connections now —especially during a global pandemic — and even afterwards, the stress and anxiety that will be left over from this experience will be challenging for us. Be easy and kind to yourself in this process, and remember that even though it feels really lonely right now, it won’t always feel this way.

The concept of “chosen” family is a beautiful thing. It comes from knowing that the possibilities of love, family and care are endless and abundant. It also comes from hard places of feeling like our families of origin cannot or will not accept and love us as we are in all our complexities. Sometimes the idea of any “family” structure can be difficult depending on the ways we have experienced trauma in our lives. What it all comes down to is the need for connection. When looking for connections and family and kin, we need to also be able to ground ourselves in what we are looking for, and knowing that there are opportunities all around us, even when we aren’t actively noticing them! Here are some things I like to remember when I am seeking out connections with others:

Communication is key.

Ask for what you want and need and put it out there. If you are looking for people to hang out with, pod with, make music with, start a book club with, talk the latest politics with; identify what you want and ask for it! There are a lot of lonely hearts out there, also wanting to make connections: sometimes you just have to ask!

Try various methods and places to connect with folks.

Get creative, ask yourself what type of connection would be most nourishing right now. Have you tried online platforms for making friends? Have you contacted old friends from school, work or community? Neighbours that seem interesting? What about pen pals or other ways to start a connection? Remember: “chosen” family doesn’t have to always be a physical presence, they can also be in various places and forms!

Vulnerability is power.

It’s a place where we can invite our loved ones in to witness us, to see our truest selves, and learn to love ourselves and each other for who we are. Requiring and asking for vulnerability from our relations also means we have to share our own as well. It brings us together and makes our connections stronger!

Relationships are reciprocal.

They are nourishing and allow for everyone to grow. They require deep care, love and compassion, and also, accountability. It means that your family are your hype-people, but they are also going to let you know when you need to be more reflective on your words and actions. It requires trust.

Know that you are deserving of so much love and care. Whether or not people can show up for you is not a reflection of what you deserve. Remind yourself often that even though you may feel alone, it won’t always feel this way. Honour the type of relationships and connections you are seeking and nourish the ones you already have. You are loved and have everything you need. <3